Hooray, I got dumped! Words of encouragement and tips for those hurting!

[Suzanne1281]

For those of you going through any type of limbo with an ex or current bf/gf, I have some words of encouragement and an outline of the silver lining of breaking free. First my tale and then my tips:

 

My ex is crazy. He's kept me in limbo for 2 months saying he still has feelings for his ex but has feelings for me too. I would stay NC with him and he would be the one to contact me here and there. This past weekend we hung out with our friends, had a wonderful time and he called me early Saturday morning and told me he "wants to start from scratch with me, has a wonderful time with me, sorry for being such a jerk, wish you were here right now."

 

Cut to Saturday night (the same day, mind you). He initiated texting with me about the Stanley Cup game we were both watching on tv. I asked him if he wanted to watch the rest of the game together. He says, "I'm not really presentable and am going to bed after, but if you want to." I said, "Well I can make it there in 20 minutes." No response. I called him and he said if I wanted to come over he'd be there. Then I get a text from him: "You probably shouldn't come. I want you to, but I can't keep doing this to myself. Being indecisive and hurtful. It's not me."

 

I call him and ask him what's up. He beats around the bush. I flat out asked him if he's still thinking about his ex. He tells me she's moving here the next day and he's going to try things with her again! Can you believe it? IN THE SAME DAY he gets back together with me and then with her. And if I hadn't confronted him, he would have continued this double life!

 

He says he just doesn't have the guts to stand up for himself and say "It's over." and she wont' accept it. She didn't decide to move here until after she saw him moving on with me. He says all they do is fight, he's expecting a lot of fights and she's pissed off at him because she knows he was still hanging out with me. He says she hates his friends, has always thought they all hate her and now even moreso because they are all friends with me as well. And this is what he wants to go back to.

 

Anyway, of course I'm crushed, but I have words of encouragement if you have been left in limbo by an ex. First a tip: Ask them flat out right now what they want. It may not be the answer you want, but once you have the answer you don't have to wait around anymore. Now dont' get me wrong, I AM HURTING. BADLY. THIS SUCKS. But there are so many positive things that come out of getting away from a jerk.

 

-No longer do you feel like you have to look at your phone or e-mail to see if they called because they're not going to anymore. This sounds so awful, but you're free from constantly checking. And my favorite? I have no desire to look at his Myspace or Facebook anymore. I don't WANT to know what he's doing with her-it will only make me hurt more and prevent me from forgetting about him. LOOKING AT THEIR MYSPACE/FACEBOOK DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING THAT'S GOING ON. So stay away from it. And put pictures up on your own page of all the fabulous things you're doing without him.

 

-His/her problems are not your problems anymore. My ex is messed up (obviously, if you've read my story). I don't have to be pulled down or deal with his bull---- anymore. It's his and his clingy gf's problem now. Yay! Have fun, you miserable couple, you.

 

-Finally see the true meaning of NC. He's going back to his ex whom he has all these problems with and fights with all the time. Stay away, disappear, remain aloof and elusive and he will realize what he gave up once the old problems resurface. Especially, as in my case, if he tells you "You've been nothing but good to me." And he told me "You can call me if you need to talk." By not calling, he'll see he no longer has any power over me.

 

-You will feel like yourself again. I finally see the meaning of people telling me to "get yourself back." He/she can no longer control you. You control you and are free to do whatever you want to to MOVE ON to something better. I am no longer controlled by what his decision may be. I no longer have to walk on eggshells wondering if what I did or said will affect his decision. I can just be myself again and be happy. AND I get to concentrate completely on my life again and being happy and successful. I was concentrating on him: what he was thinking, if he was still talkign to her, if he still loved me, etc. I wasn't concentrating on my job (which I love), my family (which I love more than anything) or myself (ie-not eating, not sleeping, drinking too much, feeling bad about myself). Bottom line: You get to be just you again-and you are awesome. The ex made you feel not awesome and so why would you want to be anywhere near them anymore?

Also-by concentrating completely on you (your job, your family, things you love to do) you won't be thinking about them or what they are doing with who they're with now.

 

-Take your anger out in a positive way. I'm furious and my pride is hurting more than ever. But I don't even want to yell at him because I don't want to alleviate his guilt that I'm crushed and it's not going to change anything. I plan on going straight to the gym after work tonight and I'm hoping the punching bag is free. Why is this a better option than yelling at him? Because by going to the gym, I will in turn get in great shape, look hot and if he ever sees me out he will see me looking hot. AND by not screaming at him, in no way will he feel better or justify himself about his decision to leave me.

 

-You get to go out and look for someone better now! Isn't that exciting? You're free to, and dont' need to think it will ruin your chances of getting back with that ex because they are no longer your boyfriend/girlfriend. You get to go through the excitement that a new relationship always entails once you do meet someone. And your ex will end up finding out about you and your hot new S.O. and realize you left him behind and he was a jerk.

 

-Do not do anything to take revenge. Carry yourself with grace, dignity and beauty and trust me-he/she will probably regret losing you once they re-realize how awesome you truly are. And by the time they realize? You'll have moved on-whether it is being happy on your own or having the luck of meeting someone just as awesome as you who APPRECIATES YOU.

 

I hope this helps. Feel free to add on to the positives of getting dumped by a jerk.

[arcadefire]

I agree 100% with what you've written right here. And I can agree from experience with your points on waiting for his calls (won't happen!), cyberstalking (only makes you feel worse!), and not doing anything after the break up especially revenge. That way you can look back with pride!

[Hollyj]

Good for you!!! Great post!!!!

[pumpkinmoon]

Do not do anything to take revenge. Carry yourself with grace, dignity and beauty and trust me-he/she will probably regret losing you once they re-realize how awesome you truly are. And by the time they realize? You'll have moved on-whether it is being happy on your own or having the luck of meeting someone just as awesome as you who APPRECIATES YOU.

 

I hope this helps. Feel free to add on to the positives of getting dumped by a jerk.

 

Just want to say what a great post this is and I especially love this bit Thank you for posting this, you have made me feel a little better about things. I am sorry that you have been treated the way you have but like you said now you can look for something better

[Litgirl01]

Suzanne....AWESOME post! Wow....helps a lot!!!!!!!

[Suzanne1281]

Good, I'm glad I was able to make some people feel better!

[wtm78]

good one suz...

[missHoenikker]

hi suzanne, your post made me smile thank you so much for that. it's remarkable that you can have so much clarity amidst all your pain. i hope you feel better soon.

 

*hugs*

[ifloatabove]

Suzanne!! Your post was EXACTLY what I needed!! Everything you said rings so true with me because it happened to me too and I want to do all the things you suggested because it's so obvious! We got back together but I was always walking on eggshells so when I finally asked him if he wanted space, he said yes and he said he couldn't go on hurting me. He deleted his facebook so I no longer am curious to look at it, I'm so happy that I no longer have to deal with his issues and his problems with himself because he is SO messed up, my pride is hurt but ultimately I'd like to get back to myself and find someone who truly appreciates me. It sucks because I loved him so much for who he is but now I know that who he is now is someone I don't want to be with. And even if he was capable of change, no matter how much being a better person could be, he didn't want to do it. So eff him! He'll probably come crawling back to me one day but I will never, ever do this to myself again and degrade my self-respect. I see that now and I will carry on with grace and dignity because I need to, for me.

 

Thanks so much for this post, it was uplifting and it is helping carry me through as this most recent break up (which I initiated) was weighing heavily on me. It still hurts so much and I'm so crushed that I let this happen again, but everything takes time and I hope in time I will feel better. I sorely miss the good times but I have stopped checking my phone because he isn't going to call me anymore.

 

It's hard though. So hard. I try to be positive but again, its still so freshly painful.

[choclab88]

OMG!!! Just got dumped an hour or so ago and I was feeling so sad, hurt and betrayed. We were only dating for almost 3 months but at the end I was walking on eggshells, cyberstalking and always feeling like I had to watch what I said..This helped me so much....Unbelievable....

[afonselaca]

You get to go through the excitement that a new relationship always entails once you do meet someone.

 

............makes me want to cry

[juiicybrii]

OMGGGGG this helps me so much!!!! I didnt accually get dumped but i can most definatly relate to this because my ex used to talk to so many other different girls on social sites such as twitter and only God knows who he talked to on myspace but before reading this I kinda moped around because i thought I made the wrong decision by breaking up with him and i thought about maybe telling his cousin(who is my best friend who got us back together previously wen he dumped me the first time) to try to hook us back up but i found out that he talks to some other girl. At that moment i Thought ALREADY!??!???! it hasen't even been one whole day my gosh he must have been awfully happy.So a few hours go by and I finally see what the girl looks like........I must say he can do wayyyy better and PLEASE dont think I'm saying this out of jealousy towards this new cuople but she isn't an attractive person in my eyes but that is just my personal opinion and I feel that every human being is entitled to one. I must add, when i saw her i was deeply infuriated simply because she looks horrible to me and I know that he knows he could have done much better. These past couple of days have went awfully well though because I no longer feel as if I'm walking on eggshells by asking him questions about other females he comes in contact with...Also songs have helped me along the way H.A.T.E.U RMX by Mariah Carey,Epiphany by Chrisette Michele,Another One By Chrisette Michele.Here are some words of advice from me please stay close to up tempo songs because they simply make you feel better and slow sad songs make you feel worst

[Tanzi]

Great attitude ... and one that will have your ex wondering why the hell he left you, especially if he is going back to someone who he says he doesn't even want. Their relationship is a recipe for disaster but that is their problem. You sound ready to move on and that really is a liberating feeling when you finally let go. Who wants an indecisive mouse for a boyfriend anyway!!

[lookingforhope]

Uh, Suz, maybe try to avoid dating the losers next time, huh? This guy seems like the kind of cat who wears sweats all day on Sundays.

 

You seem like a nice gal. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here by suggesting you can probably do a LOT better the next time around.

 

You know what you want. It's pretty easy to tell when a guy knows what he wants. That should be your target

 

Best wishes.

[lia86]

Wow... this was awesome! Total bump.

[1dayatatime30]

I have just ended a 9 year long relationship. It hurts like hell. I cry myself to sleep every night, I am crying even as I am typing this post. I feel like my world is at its end. But i have to somehow find the strength to pick myself up and dust myself off.....here is my tale.

 

I was 19 when we met. He was separated from his wife. She cheated on him with his best friend. I was just out of school and started my first real job. We work at the same place. We started hanging out. Nothing serious. Movies or just talking. Our friendship grew. I invited him into my home to meet my mum. She seemed to like him fine. Soon we were inseparable. Weekends couldn't come fast enough for us to hangout way into the night. At this point we were simply friends.

 

As the months passed by, stronger feelings began to develop and eventually we slept together. He was my first and I wanted him to be my last. We talked about marriage and settling down. We even started house hunting. I was riding high on love and i thought he was too. Then I learnt he was still living with his in-laws even though he had gotten a divorce from his wife. I also learnt that when his wife had left he took comfort from her sister. I tried to understand this peculiar situation. He assured me that since he met me he had broken it off with his "sister-in-law". I had a nagging feeling that he was lying but i didnt trust my instinct.

 

Nine years have passed by with me in this unhealthy relationship. I now know that he has been with the 2 of us over all these years! What kind of person does that? He knew how i felt about him...I feel as if I have lived only for this man. I gave him my virginity and so much more. I stuck at his side thru thick and thin. I was more of a wife to him than his ex-wife.

 

Recently he claims that the sister found out about me. Sje meets me in public and calls me a home wrecker. She calls my phone and leaves threats. She calls my work place. She threatens me at every opportunity. Even though he has promised me the sun , moon and stars and even though he says they both fight alot and that they wont last, he has chosen to stay with her.

 

This has almost killed me. Sometimes i imagine killing myself just so i wont have to feel this pain anymore. I tried talking to friends but they cant truly understand what i am going thru. This was the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now i feel as if i have nothing.

 

I just read a post by someone saying hooray they had a break up. I can relate to their story. It actually made me feel a little better. I have to believe that things happen for a reason. I was feeling all mopy and crying and i found that story. I have to believe that God released me from that bondage called a relationship in order for something better to come into my life. I have to start back being myself again. I have lived so long for him and have put off doing so many things to please him its like now i feel lost.

 

I will survive this. And he will regret treating me this way. He will never find anyone to love him as unconditionally as i did. I will be happy some day and i will look back and praise God that he took the sad out of my life because sad is what i've been for far too long.

 

I look forward to the great unknown. Maybe i will find my soulmate and maybe i wont but I will find peace. Too all those who are going thru a break up...its not the end of the world. It doesnt have to be. You are special and you shouldnt settle for anything less. Please know your worth. Thats the only way others will know it too.

 

When you are at your lowest point in life, know that the only place to go from there is up.