Rude vs. Needy

[kevinm]

Basic question... here's the situation:

 

So I'm pretty much seeing bachelorette #3 now... let's call "Kelsey".

 

Kelsey and I have gone out a few times, had sex a few times, are REALLY into each other, etc. Part of the failure of my last relationship was moving really fast. And I feel like I may be repeating the same pattern. The biggest difference is that my ex was a LDR, whereas Kelsey lives very close.

 

Kelsey is very sweet and it's clear she likes me. Today I received an email saying that she wants to hang out this weekend. Then she tells me it's okay for me to call on her phone, but she has chosen to email since she's unsure about my work schedule. In any case, so part of me wants to call her, but another side of me wants to write back maybe tomorow morning.

 

Should I contain my excitement? Is it rude to not write back or call back very quickly? Would I be preceived as needy if I call?

 

-Kevin

[Portage]

Why play games when the interest seems mutual?? Calling her is more than fine. You had sex already so what is one phone call going to do??

 

Exactly

[Censored]

She WANTS you to call her, hence she said it's ok for you to call.

 

Call her. It's not NEEDY to call a person.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are already full speed ahead...I recall you slept with her on date 1...too late to take things slowly. If you are already sleeping with somone it is pointless to play coy by using email instead of the phone to prove any kind of point like you are taking things slowly and building the tension.

[caro33]

but another side of me wants to write back maybe tomorow morning.

 

Is this purely because you don't want to move fast or because you have some sort of doubt about your real interest? If it's just because you don't want to move too fast then you should ignore this part of you for now - there is nothing wrong with calling her, and if you want to you should. If you want to tone the whole thing down a notch to make it last longer that's a different issue, and maybe just one where if you see her this weekend just don't spend ALL your time together - leave room for you to do your own thing too.

[kevinm]

Well... the problem was solved for me, as she just called me.

 

True, I realize all of what you guys are saying. It's not so much game playing as it is being unsure of how to negotiate these waters. She has expressed the desire to be independent and, I too feel strongly about having personal space and time.

 

And yes, we have slept together, but despite that fact, I feel there is a good connection here beyond the physical attraction we have towards each other. I told her the other day that I keep on waiting for a red flag to pop up... something that I don't like about her, something that annoys me, etc. But I've yet to experience that with her. She told me the feeling is mutual... that she keeps on waiting for SOMETHING to be wrong with me. So yeah... the sex is there, but that doesn't mean we can't take other aspects of our relationships slowly... right? In fact, I do want to take other things slowly. The "fantasy land" aspect of my last relationship was the worst part about it. I don't want to do that with Kelsey.

 

-Kevin

[knightNshiningarmor]

many ENAers will not agree with me but its my strong belief that in the beginning there is a lot of game dynamics to dating and relationships...i think and like to hope at some point you can stop gaming and just allow yourself ot be yourself but i think its awesome you didnt call right away and doing so the second after reading that would have come off needy....so the fact you waited long enough for her to call you just really affirms that she couldnt wait for you to make a decision...good call.....basically dont go out of your way to much to cater to what you think her needs keep that in mind and then go with what you will.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

many ENAers will not agree with me but its my strong belief that in the beginning there is a lot of game dynamics to dating and relationships...i think and like to hope at some point you can stop gaming and just allow yourself ot be yourself but i think its awesome you didnt call right away and doing so the second after reading that would have come off needy....so the fact you waited long enough for her to call you just really affirms that she couldnt wait for you to make a decision...good call.....basically dont go out of your way to much to cater to what you think her needs keep that in mind and then go with what you will.

 

 

And what about her...she sent the email and then she called...so while she is showing her interest and not being held hostage by this game playing notion of having to wait before calling back, the OP is trying to decide whether to wait...that is not about taking it slowly...that is about trying to look cool, calm and like you are not in any hurry. If you start holding back, then she will feel uncomfortable, like she is doing all the work and has to run after you. Taking it slowly does not mean making a mental count of how many days to wait before calling back so that the other person sits there and wonders...gee, I slept with him and now he is taking his sweet time calling me back when I have suggested getting together. The rushed nature of this relationship was already started...if you want to slow things down why just slow things down on the phone call side of things...why not slow things down on the sex side as well...in other words, have dates that involve enjoying each other's company that don't end up getting naked. Slowing things down is not about timing the phone calls, it is about slowing down the frequency of getting together and slowing down the frequency of doing it like rabbits. Slowing down by not calling back so quickly just leads the other person to feel insecure.

[JadedStar]

Slowing down by not calling back so quickly just leads the other person to feel insecure.

 

I totally agree. Slowing it down is not about timing phone calls...it's about getting to know each other at a slower rate. This is hard to do once you introduce sex early, but not impossible.

[midnightrambler]

I totally agree. Slowing it down is not about timing phone calls...it's about getting to know each other at a slower rate. This is hard to do once you introduce sex early, but not impossible.

 

hard to believe that having sex is easy....but rules about using the phone is hard to grasp

[Batya33]

Sounds like a bad habit to tell someone you just met and have already been inside of that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop - maybe a decent joke once but otherwise it starts to put a negative cloud over everything. Of course you can have a connection with someone right off the bat, and of course she is more stranger to you than good friend at this point in time (despite the sex), but just like it's a bad idea to use the "let's break up" phrase too much during an argument, why go down the path of "when am I going to see all the red flags"?

[ghost69]

stop questioning yourself. you like the girl, she likes you. call her.

[knightNshiningarmor]

has nothing to do with "slowing down" im not advocating that at all...but from a lot of conditional experimenting attraction is more easily built if i am the one being chased rather then doing the chasing. And my biggest point is not so much formulating when to call exactly but instead the idea of not changing or going severely out of your way to make that effort to allow the other person to know you have priorities that come before her as it should be early in a relationship....if after a first couple dates you already seem to have put her top on your priority list then that gives off the impression of needy and desperate.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

has nothing to do with "slowing down" im not advocating that at all...but from a lot of conditional experimenting attraction is more easily built if i am the one being chased rather then doing the chasing. And my biggest point is not so much formulating when to call exactly but instead the idea of not changing or going severely out of your way to make that effort to allow the other person to know you have priorities that come before her as it should be early in a relationship....if after a first couple dates you already seem to have put her top on your priority list then that gives off the impression of needy and desperate.

 

 

If both parties played that game and wanted to wait until they were chased, relationships wouldn't really get off the ground...both sides would be too busy waiting for the other person to do the work in order to not look desperate!

[knightNshiningarmor]

those are the best relationships because they are at a very balanced level and then it becomes less of a waiting game but a give and take...lol me and my gf are at this level and imo it makes things more interesting...we basically take turns to call although she still calls me a majority of the time but then i make it up by being the one who does more traveling in the LDR...but if she feels like shes been doing to much then shell say something like...ok its your turn. Call me tomorrow...its like a tug of war game....if you allow yourself to be the weaker party then you end up with mud in your face....if your in a match and the other party is overly weak and just lets you win...then youll be happy you won it will be enjoyable but the real fun comes in being pitted against your equal and you each take turns nearing that mud pit and go back and forth...btw this isnt about power persay although often it goes hand in hand but rather about setting boundaries and knowing to what extent your willing to give of yourself for that other person...and in the beginning i think its good to set up such boundaries and as the relationship progresses then you can both let go of the rope and jump into the mud pit together and have fun.

[kevinm]

Well, first off, thank you everyone for your input. I think ghost69 has it right... I need to stop questioning myself. I need to listen to my gut more.

 

At the end of the day, I truly like this woman, and want to give "us" an honest chance. But however unconventional our start may be, sex alone will not determine the success of our relationship. I feel many here have criticized me for sleeping with her so early. While this doesn't bother me, I fail to understand why it will be "very difficult" and why the fact that we've had sex makes the relationship "rushed". Why wouldn't I be able to take things slowly on the emotional level?

 

I dismiss the concept of "the formula" where two people approach their relationship in the very conventional manner of dating; as the only manner in which to build a healthy relationship. I'm not playing games with her, my honesty about the whole "red flags" conversation was perfectly acceptable. Anything less would have been bottling up my emotions, sweeping them under the rug. Why not get these concerns out in the open?

 

I'm not trying to "be cool" what I'm trying to avoid is becoming obsessed and overly excited about our potential. What I'm trying to do is maintain a clear head. I'm not holding back my feelings, I'm maintaining composure. I think everyone has been super excited about meeting someone and then you feel so good and so excited that you want to scream it out to the world. BUT, recognizing the honeymoon stage is just that, a stage, we dampen our excitement so as not to scare off our potential mate. We don't want to be viewed as weird or strange. We don't want to be clingy, especially so early on.

 

-Kevin

[Batya33]

It's ironic that you dismiss "conventional dating" yet your first post was all about wanting "rules" as to how and when you should contact her in order to give a certain impression. If you're just going with the flow, why would you even need to ask?

 

It sounds like it's going really well, by the way, so, enjoy!

[melrich]

I feel many here have criticized me for sleeping with her so early.

 

Not at all. Some people just click and know that it is right very quickly. I think as long as you are mature enough (and I think you are)to realise that having sex does not equate to knowing each other deeply then I see no problem with it.

 

My wife and I slept together very early and it was never an issue, we just knew very quickly that we were a good chance to be long termers and it was a chance both of us were willing to take. Don't get hung up on that.

 

Sounds like you have something good going. Throw yourself into it.

[JadedStar]

hard to believe that having sex is easy....but rules about using the phone is hard to grasp

 

YOu need to take notes midnight. LOL

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It's ironic that you dismiss "conventional dating" yet your first post was all about wanting "rules" as to how and when you should contact her in order to give a certain impression. If you're just going with the flow, why would you even need to ask?

 

Yep, my sentiments exactly.

 

As for taking things slowly on the emotional level...I guess it depends on her. For a lot of women once they have sex, the emotions are in overdrive and you can't slow it down otherwise they start getting insecure about the relationship. So while many men can separate sex from emotions and just need the sexual gratification, many women are not built that way and get easily emotionally involved once they have had sex. The fact that she emailed you and then called you, not waiting for your response, suggests that she is getting emotionally involved and may not be able to separate the sex from the emotions as well as you can. There are two people in this relationship and both have to be on the same page.

[kevinm]

Yep, my sentiments exactly.

 

As for taking things slowly on the emotional level...I guess it depends on her. For a lot of women once they have sex, the emotions are in overdrive and you can't slow it down otherwise they start getting insecure about the relationship. So while many men can separate sex from emotions and just need the sexual gratification, many women are not built that way and get easily emotionally involved once they have had sex. The fact that she emailed you and then called you, not waiting for your response, suggests that she is getting emotionally involved and may not be able to separate the sex from the emotions as well as you can. There are two people in this relationship and both have to be on the same page.

 

Fair point CAD... there are indeed two people involved. Last night a friend of mine told me that men have sex with those they are physically attracted to, and women have sex with those who they are emotionally attracted.

 

Well, with that in mind, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about her a lot during my day. I'm not going to say I'm in love with her, but I'm falling hard and fast. Maybe I should just let go and fall...

 

-Kevin

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Part of the failure of my last relationship was moving really fast. And I feel like I may be repeating the same pattern.

 

From what you wrote in your latest post, it sounds to me like you are indeed repeating the same pattern. At least you are not saying you are in love with her, because you have only known her for 5 minutes....but certainly sleeping with her very quickly did indeed influence you on the emotional side as well. I think both of you are going to have a hard time slowing this down unless the flames burn themselves out once you actually get to know the real person. Right now it is infatuation and lust that is driving this train....something that is very typical when relationships go full speed ahead from the get go.

[kevinm]

Well, I guess time can only tell CAD. There's nothing wrong with a little lust and infatuation, particularly at this point.

 

-Kevin

[Jayar]

Okay, having not read the entire thread, I don't think you'd be needy if you called her! Go ahead!

 

Here's an example of appropriate vs. needy: there is this guy that is interested in me currently. A while ago he texted me a few times and I responded and it was fun and flirty. But I am very busy (as I told him) for the next few weeks. He has since texted about TEN times, none of which I have responded to, and to be honest I am sick of him. And he did nothing except appear like he had nothing going on in his life but desperately contact me. Really lame and unattractive. Returning a call? Polite! Calling fifty freakin' times?! Needy.