Checked Email UGH - Did I misread it?

[oldbutnew]

I'll try to keep this short but I need some objective opinions:

 

I think I found out on Friday night that my GF of one year and a guy who works for a client were planning on spending a couple of nights together when she is at the client site in a week. She met this guy while at the client site about two weeks ago.

 

Since she returned from that trip, I have felt something was wrong as she was less interested in spending time together and seemed distant and distracted - the usual story.

 

On Friday night I looked at her work email which was open and saw the thread between them featuring comments like: Him: "I am sorry I was nto available at night to spend time with you when you visited"; Him: "I'll spoil you rotten when you are here again"; Both: "Here is my cell number and personal email"; Her: "Did you get my email from my other account"; Him: "I'll be your personal guide and chauffeur..."; Him: "I've set a rule now so your emails are highlighted when they come in"; Him: "shall I plan on spending one night or two with you"; Her: "I enjoyed talking to you Saturday and I am sorry I kept you on the phone for over an hour but you sounded nervous"; Him: "me? nervous with you?" Those are the highlights, complete with the nods, cute winks, etc.

 

Before confronting her directly with him I gave her chances to explain why she was being distant. She insisted nothing was wrong and that her behavior had not changed toward me. I asked her if she loved me and she said "you are the person I am closest to in my life, I care deeply for you, you support me, comfort me, I confide in you, I enjoy your touch and sleeping with you and you treat me very well better than anyone ever has, but I don't love you or at least I won't let myself say I do." Given what I had found, I half expected that kind of answer. I told her that what she described sounded like love to me and she should think about whether she was being honest with herself and me.

 

I then dropped his name into the conversation and asked her directly. Her first response was defensive and accusatory - she wanted to know "who I was talking to". I told her no one and admitted to her that I looked at her work email.

 

She became furious and focused only on me looking at her email. I told I would be angry if she read my work email and that my actions were wrong. I then asked her to read the email thread and explain it to me. She admitted that "you could read it and think what you are thinking" but that the "guy has an odd way of communicating" and that she has done nothing wrong. I asked her why a client would offer to "spoil her rotten" out of the blue, she replied that it was "odd". I asked her if she had plans with him. Despite the emails, she said "no" but then admitted that "he is smitten with me and I guess the possibility is there if I want it." I told I had heard enough; that I did not believe her and that she is lying to me. I told her that she can contact me when she wants to be honest with me and own her behavior.

 

Did I over react? Am I crazy in thinking that she was planning on hooking up with this guy?

[DN]

You did not over-react. She is either cheating or intending to cheat. Dump her and move on.

 

Sorry you had to go through this. It seems some people have no morals or fidelity.

[annie24]

You did not over-react. She is either cheating or intending to cheat. Dump her and move on.

 

Sorry you had to go through this. It seems some people have no morals or fidelity.

 

i agree. those emails are way fishy. i can smell them from here!!! walk away.

[Siriana]

No, you're not over reacting and it's not crazy you think she was flirting with that guy.

She did.

And her reactions during your conversation were typical for a person who knows she's doing/planning to do/dreaming about doing something wrong.

i think she had/has a plan to cheat with that guy.

[servedcold]

Welcome, sorry you are having to go through this. Seems like a rash of these kinds of stories here.

 

You will not get straight answers from her unless she is caught absolutely redhanded, try not to torture yourself by questioning your actions, which were wrong, but a small wrong compared to what she is doing. Don't let her twist things back on your snooping.

 

If you decide to dump her, and you should, sever cleanly, tell her not to contact you further, and do not contact her. Many seemingly good excuses for contact may pop up, ignore them, they aren't really good reasons.

 

Best wishes getting through this and finding someone with more integrity.

[ladyblue07]

I have to agree with everyone else here. It's pretty obvious that she intended to cheat with this guy. Consider it her loss, since obviously you treated her well. Since she barely knows this other guy, the odds are good that he will turn out to be not so great once she gets to know him better. Some other woman out there will appreciate you a lot more than she did.

Sorry this happened to you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Seems like a rash of these kinds of stories here.

 

You are so right...it is really depressing that so many people do not value their relationship and have their heads turned so quickly. We are living in such a "fast food" society and everyone wants instant gratification and gets bored easily. People throw away other people just like they throw away all the electronic items in favour of something newer and flashier. We are a throw away society all the way around and relationships have simply become like material possessions. How very sad.

 

To the OP: No, you did not over-react. It is clear that she was up to no good. Men do not do what this guy did without encouragement from the woman. Amazes me how so many people use the "it's just work" excuse. Like DN had pointed out in another thread...work emails are very business-like with perhaps a joke or two thrown in (depending on the rapport between the two colleagues)...but it never crosses any lines into sexual/relationship tones.

[kenshinkitten]

I don't think you overreacted.

Reading someone's emails isn't that big of a deal unless they have something to hide, im my opinion.

I would have done the same thing.

[annie24]

I don't think you overreacted.

Reading someone's emails isn't that big of a deal unless they have something to hide, im my opinion.

I would have done the same thing.

 

i think it's not appropriate to read a person's emails, it's snooping and shows a lack of trust. the rule (IMHO) is that if you do snoop and find out they are innocent, you're at fault. if you snoop and find out they are up to no good, then they are at fault. depends on what you find!

[NoPainNoGain]

She admitted that "you could read it and think what you are thinking" but that the "guy has an odd way of communicating" and that she has done nothing wrong.

 

This kind of crap drove me up the walls. Dont put up with her BS

 

 

 

I told I had heard enough; that I did not believe her and that she is lying to me. I told her that she can contact me when she wants to be honest with me and own her behavior.

 

Good job.Even if she does fess up she MIGHT be worthy...

 

Did I over react? Am I crazy in thinking that she was planning on hooking up with this guy?

 

 

No ,you did a great job. Now you know what you dont want in a woman. A cold hearted kaniver(sp)

[DN]

i think it's not appropriate to read a person's emails, it's snooping and shows a lack of trust. the rule (IMHO) is that if you do snoop and find out they are innocent, you're at fault. if you snoop and find out they are up to no good, then they are at fault. depends on what you find!

I think it is wrong to snoop unless there is some sort of evidence (other than some sort of unfounded suspicion) that something is going on. If the only way you can find out is to snoop then there is no other way to handle it.

 

It is no different than hiring a private detective.

 

The key is to make sure that your suspicions have some rational basis and aren't just "a feeling". People say 'trust your gut" but that is too often wrong to justify snooping.

 

Bottom line - it is one of those times when there are no absolutes.

[thejigsup]

I don't condone reading anyone's emails, but she left it open and I guess your honest side didn't win out. That said, I think that they definitely have something going on. Maybe you two deserve each other. If my bf read my mail, I would be taking him to court for invasion of privacy. It is illegal, you know. This is a real sore spot with me. I've never had it done to me, email reading that is, so I assumed most people do not do that. After being on ENA awhile, I now know many people do this and justify it by saying they found out things about their partner and that made it right. You are both in the wrong. Splitting up sounds good for both of you.

[DN]

It is illegal to break into someone's private e-mail although employers have the right to read wrk e-mails. But if someone leaves it open - then that is their fault.

[servedcold]

On Friday night I looked at her work email which was open and saw the thread between them

 

No expectation of privacy here, especially as it was a work email address (dumb cheaters lol), agree with DN, no law breaking, very little wrongdoing on OP's part.

 

Cheating has such a high, undocumented social cost, and catching a resolute cheater is so difficult, that there is some ethical wiggle room in situations like this IMO.

 

You see lots of threads with women snooping and finding things out on ENA, fewer of men, somehow the men get beat up and the women get let off more easily by posters at large. hmm.

[jamieboy]

well said!

[pumpkinmoon]

I think it's kinda wrong to snoop but half of us would never know what was going on if we didnt

[anggrace]

It might be disrespectful to snoop, but if someone is cheating, I don't give a you know what if they like my snooping or not.

 

You are not overreacting, at all. Walking away is the right thing to do.

[hers]

I've only read the first post on here, but here's my take:

No, you didn't overreact. My ex did the same to me...I found an email he had written to a girl that was inappropriate, and I found it by snooping. Snooping was wrong, yes. But when confronted, he acted as though I was way more in the wrong than he was b/c i went through his email.

 

you didn't overreact. Your thoughts are justified.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think that in a relationship there shouldn't be any secrets and there should be an open policy about this kind of thing.

[JadedStar]

No, you didn't misread it.

[annie24]

I think it is wrong to snoop unless there is some sort of evidence (other than some sort of unfounded suspicion) that something is going on. If the only way you can find out is to snoop then there is no other way to handle it.

 

It is no different than hiring a private detective.

 

The key is to make sure that your suspicions have some rational basis and aren't just "a feeling". People say 'trust your gut" but that is too often wrong to justify snooping.

 

Bottom line - it is one of those times when there are no absolutes.

 

i agree with you, i guess i just didn't express myself clearly. if you have some real evidence or indication that they are up to no good, then certainly snooping, hiring a PI, is a way to go.

 

but, if you do those things, not because of good evidence or suspicions, but because you just like to keep tabs, it definitely is wrong and makes you look like an ass.

[oldbutnew]

Thanks to everyone for their input and insight.

 

As for the snooping, I will not pretend that looking at her work email was okay, even if it was left open. I did not hack a password or anything like that. But looking at her work email (we work for the same company, fyi) was wrong. And part of me wishes I never looked. When we spoke, I could have easily said I had the info another way and not admitted it. I choose to at least own up to my wrong.

 

Before looking, I asked multiple times why she appeared distracted and whether there was something bothering her. If this guy's emails were "odd" to her, she would have told me that was bothering her. It was the perfect excuse.

 

Anyway, I don't feel good about doing it even though it was open and I don't excuse my actions by what I found out. I am just left angry and sad on so many levels. At myself for looking at her email and for letting myself care deeply about this person who apparently can't help herself. Angry at her for what I see as a very selfish and uncaring act and then for dodging it and throwing it on him instead of dealing with it. I guess she can't own up to it, because the guilt and admittance would be too much.

 

 

It's one day of NC at this point and I am going to try hard to stay in it.

 

Thanks to everyone. I don't feel very good. I am torn up, pissed off and very hurt, but at least I don't feel like I am over reacting.

[oldbutnew]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

It is keeping me focused and sane. We have broken up.

 

She now claims that I am misreading the situation and that she has no plans to be with him and that his email referencing "spoiling her rotten" when she visits next week was "over the top" and made her uncomfortable and that he later called her and apologized. She has offered no real reason for giving him her personal email address or cell number or for the other comments he made that I mentioned in the first post. I have told her that it seems that she was encouraging his interest at a minimum and leaving herself an option when she visits again.

 

She initially admitted that what she did was wrong (but now takes it back) and that given what I read "she would be very hurt and would not believe me (her) either." She says she could have shut him down but that he was nice to her and helpful last time she went out to the client site and that he "seemed like a nice guy." She also says that if she were interested in him, she would have "addressed it with me absolutely at some point."

 

She has my head spinning a little bit but I just can't believe her story. It's too odd. If it were true, she would have told me about this situation when I asked why she seemed distracted. She did not mention anything about it until I dropped his name into the conversation; after she had mentioned him as a "nice, helpful guy" but pretended not to know his name. Once the name was out there and I told her I looked at her emails, all of this comes out. I asked why she did not tell me when she had the chance and her rationale was that "I would have read more into the situation than was there and she would have had to explain things that didn't need explaining."

 

As for my looking at her work email: She is furious and rightfully so. I smelled something was up; asked and got no answers and then looked. That's not good enough. I should have just walked at that moment. My wrong may be less of a wrong here but it is still a big wrong. There is no trust left. I feel that her actions show a total lack of respect and caring for me. And my actions violated her trust of me as well.

 

We were in a relationship. For a year. Am I crazy to think that something like this should have been discussed between us; not hidden? Is her story believeable?

[servedcold]

Will relate a story from the relationship that brought me to ENA to answer the "is her story credible?" question for you to use as perspective.

 

Was involved for almost a year with a woman I was seeing 2-5 times per week, almost always sleeping over. We had met the families and friends. She told me she loved me almost every time I saw her, brought up marriage at least once per week, seemingly devoted and happy.

 

In the last week of the relationship, she started saying that things weren't perfect between us, while still keeping up the loving attitude, good sex, frequent contact, marriage talk. This was odd and came from left field.

 

Puzzled, I asked her if there was someone else. She hesitated and said, "Yes, I have started to develop feelings for a man I've met on the internet and had lunch with once."

 

My reply was, "It's time for us to break, then," despite her reassurances that it had just been one lunch, and she sounded reasonable. I don't expect this kind of thing though from a woman who is professing love and asking for marriage, so that was the end as far as I was concerned. She spent the next day trying to convince me that nothing was really going on, and that she didn't want to lose me. I sent her a long email telling her why things were over in as kind a way as I could muster.

 

Coincidentally, the "lunch buddy" broke into her email (she later claimed she had left it open at his house which I find incredibly farfetched as she was very private about her email and had several addresses at any given time; I think he saw her enter her pswd and later used it, a much deeper level of snooping than yours) and read my breakup email. Though I believe he had no idea of the true nature of our relationship until the moment he saw my email, I do believe he knew of me. He demanded that she tell me the truth.

 

She had been caught red-handed, cut and dried. They had been sleeping together for over a month, and this revelation exposed about 10 blatant lies of hers. She had no ground to stand on and was forced to confess to the whole thing. From my understanding, it is rare that a cheater is caught so red-handed and unequivocally.

 

I learned from this experience that 1. where there is smoke, there is usually fire, and 2. that by the time cheating comes to light, the cheater has become so proficient and experienced at lying to their SO that they do it fluidly, convincingly and as a matter of course, making things sound perfectly reasonable, hence the "head-spinning" effect you reference.

 

Who knows what the actual case is with your GF, hope my experience is useful to you in your decisionmaking.

 

Finally, I think you are assigning too much blame to yourself for reading the work email, and that you will come to realize this over time. It's only natural to accept some blame in situations like this, as you are still in love with the cheater and in a way, still defending her. I know I was prone to this, but believe me, the fog of love will clear, and you will see things more plainly soon enough.

 

If someone leaves an open love letter from their lover out on the kitchen table for their SO to find, there is no expectation of privacy whatsoever. Likewise, someone who uses work email to carry on an affair, and leaves the email account open staring their SO in the face, may consciously or subconsciously desire to be caught, and again can claim no expectation of privacy whatsoever. Please consider the very real possibility that on some level, she wanted to be caught. What you did was wrong, but to a much much lesser degree than more intensive snooping would be. A useful analogy might be the difference of degree of wrong between a speeding ticket and a DUI. Best wishes getting through this.

[oldbutnew]

The analogy is very helpful; thank you for sharing it with me.

 

I thought about whether she wanted to get caught on some level, because she has a history of not being able to sustain a relationship and has grown extremely close to me and I am not sure she is comfortable with that.

 

Ultimately, I don't think she did want to be caught. She is attacking me on the email front and insisting she has done nothing wrong. When we have argued in the past (not about this issue) I have usually ended up backing off and then eventually down. I feel like she is trying hard to push me there again, to re-gain control which is very important to her.