Having NO CONTACT

[david_01]

Hi,

 

I wrote on this board a while ago after my girlfriend of 7 years dumped me.

 

 

I went NC for a month and worked on myself and am now in a great place as an individual. Up until about 2 weeks ago I was really determined to try to get her back but something switched in head where I now don't feel like that now and am pretty content with my life.

However I was set on speaking to her as I wanted her to know what I've been doing and as she said people don't change so I kinda wanted to prove her wrong.

 

I called her before this to see how she was and just see what she'd been up to but as she was at work she didnt answer but text me saying she saw I had called. Anyway I explained what my intentions were and she said she was going away the next day for work for the weekend and she'd let me know when a good time to talk would be or, as I suggested, we could meet up for a drink.

 

4 or 5 days went by and she never contacted me so I wrote her an email saying that I literally just wanted to meet up and catch up and nothing else, in case she was wondering my intentions and that i didn't think that would be a problem for her. I said that however if she needed more time then I totally understand but if she had no intention of contacting me she should just say so instead of saying she would and then not. She replied to this apologising, saying that she had not tried to brush me off and that she would definitely call me next week to arrange to meet up. I was pleased as initially I thought we'd just have a chat on the phone.

 

Anyway we're now at "next week" and she still hasn't contacted me. I know she is busy but noone is so busy they cant make a 5 minute phone call so I'm a bit annoyed that she still hasn't contacted me despite saying she would even though i gave her an "out". I did however get an email from her on Sunday saying that she went to this restaurant I recommended her and she wanted to say that she enjoyed it but no mention of anything else.

 

I have never felt bitter about her and I have been really good since the breakup and tried to make it as clean and uncomplicated as possible for her, but now I just feel that she is being disrespectful to me and our relationship and if she doesnt want to contact me then she should just say.

 

At what point am I entitled to contact her and express my disappointment of how she is being? If nothing is going to happen between us in any context then I want to tell her I'm disappointed by her lack of honesty with me and how my opinion of her as a person has changed. She wanted to be friends when she dumped me and even though or emails have taken a much lighter tone now she is still not being honest.

 

Instead of dragging this on she could have just called and got it out of the way or told me that she would rather not meet but she hasn't. She has said yes I'll call you to meet and then when challenged says it again and then doesn't do anything.

 

I'm not angry about not meeting but I am angry that someone I invested so much time and love in tells me a couple of times over that they will contact me to meet up and then doesn't rather than just saying, "it's too soon" or something. She apologised before about how she has had to deal with us but then continues to deal with it badly.

 

What can I do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Do nothing except walk away and don't look back. You have nothing to prove to her as far as changes are concerned. Contrary to what you wrote above, it is clear that you really wanted her approval, perhaps so that you can get back together again. Since she is blowing you off rather rudely I would say that perhaps she is not worthy of knowing the changes you have made...take those changes and let a woman who is more worthy benefit from them. Think of her as the lesson you had to learn in order to improve yourself for the woman who will really be right for you. If she sends anymore fluff emails just ignore it...don't respond and don't tell her how you feel. If you go on a rant to her, she will only say to herself "I am glad I broke up with him". Let your silence speak volumes like her silence is doing. Only respond to her if she initiates contact about getting together and talking.

[PushingDaisies]

I dont think its easy to know why she is doing this.

 

Perhaps she wanted to be friends but is now finding the whole idea daunting. Maybe she isn't over you sufficiently to see you; I know she finished with you but 7 years is a long time and I dont think that you can just let go of that. She wouldnt have stayed with you for that long if there werent some deep feelings there. So perhaps she isnt ready for just seeing you.

 

Also, maybe she thinks you do have alterior motives for this. We can sit here all day and try to figure out how she is feeling. I think the best approach (if she doesnt reply) is to be polite and understanding, and maybe leave it open for her to contact you if she ever does feel like having a catch up. Its difficult to know what to do because we dont know how she feels about this. Sorry I couldnt be of more help,

[Fif Angel]

It sounds like she's fobbing you off here. I'd say chances are she doesn't want to meet up with you, but is unable to tell you directly for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you,maybe she just doesn't have the guts. Either way, as you yourself said, she's had ample opportunity to get in touch with you but clearly hasn't. I say let it go. There are so many reasons why she may not want to get back in touch with you. Maybe she thinks it's too early. Maybe she's worried that you'll still want to get back with her. Maybe she doesn't know what to say to you. Maybe she's worried that when she meets you a whole range of emotions will come flooding back to her.

 

If you want to email her and express your disappointment with her then do so. However be aware that you may not get either a) a response at all or b) the satisfactory response that you are clearly looking for. Sometimes, we have to accept the fact that we may never get any real closure at the end of a relationship. Lots of questions remain unanswered. Often the best thing to do is to accept this and move on. If you do email her, do it once and then wait for her to reply. If she doesn't reply, accept that she doesn't want to meet you and move on with your life. If you keep trying to get in touch with her it will come to nothing. However if you do nothing, and go back to no contact then she may begin to wonder about you, what you are doing etc and reply to you.

 

Final bit of advice-sometimes meeting up with our ex is not the wisest thing to do. Yes we think we've moved on, we think we're a whole lot stronger but then we see them again and BAM! we're straight back to where we started when we broke up. This is a good thing to keep in mind when thinking about re-establishing face to face contact with an ex. I hope it works our for you

[david_01]

I agree with what you guys have said but I have been really understandable with her even when she told me the news about leaving me, I was very understanding and made it very simple for her and took it on the chin with little fuss as I didn't see the point in having a massive drama over how someone feels.

 

My gripe is that she is telling me, which she doesnt need to, that she would like to meet up and she said she was pleased that I am now in a position where I feel that we can be friends. If she doesnt want to meet or be friends then I would rather she said that and I have given her the opportunity to do so but she has denied it and said that she wants to. So for me it's like only say that if thats the case, don't lie because it's pointless.

 

I totally understand that she may not want to meet me, or isn't ready or just doesnt care but I have said this to her and said that if that's the case it's totally fine but at least tell me that and she said no thats not the case and I will call you. A friend of mine bumped into her this week and she told my friend to tell me that she will call me next week! I mean ... come on!!!

 

So for me I feel like just saying, thanks for stringing me along for no reason! She apologised for her behaviour but still continues to do it and I feel that she should know that she's not being very good about all this.

[itsallgrand]

She isn't exactly stringing you along. Not trying to hurt your feelings - trying to make it easier for you.

 

Trying to be a friend with someone who has just broke your heart rarely works out. I truly don't understand why people do it - because to me , it is like emotional masochism.

 

If you get burnt on a stove, do you go back to the stove and try to make nice? No. Of course not.

You walk away and heal your hand...and when you later approach that stove, you do so with more caution and slowly.

 

Ok, she's not a stove. But you get the idea.

 

It is YOUR choice to try and stay in contact with her.

 

That choice is proving painful, yet you wish to persist and blame it on her.

 

It's not unusual - you haven't accepted the truth yet. That's it's over.

 

That's what time apart is for....acceptance. To have no one to point fingers at or slough off your feelings on. To be left with yourself to get clarity about the situation.

 

Keep your fingers off the stove!

[lost1234]

I agree with itsallgrand that she is not trying to hurt your feelings. It is probably because she feels guilty that she hurt your feelings when she broke up with you. I confronted my ex about whether she just wanted me to leave her alone. She never answered. Giving an ex an out who feels guilty won't get you an answer. Unfortunately, their actions are guided by guilt. So my advice is leave her alone and disappear. Sorry.

[david_01]

Thanks for all your comments so far.

 

I just want to say that yes I'm not 100% over it but last week something switched in my head and I think I am pretty healed now. The reason I wanted to meet was literally just to show her that she was wrong about me not being able to sort myself out, it isn't a mission to win her back. It's a personal goal I suppose.

 

I'm not angry and hurt but her at all, I'm just annoyed that she proclaims to want to see me but then doesn't do anything. This isn't a girlfriend/boyfriend thing, if this was one of my good friends I would feel equally as annoyed if actions and words differed.

Her not doing this isn't hurting me or stopping me from moving on because I have moved on but I feel let down by someone who supposedly loved me for so long and after 7 years they can't even be honest with me. If anyone else I knew behaved like this I would also be annoyed. I just didn't want to be treated like this by someone who supposedly loved me, it kinda undermines the last 7 years of our relationship and makes me question what we were doing all this time if I can't even get one honest answer from her!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Personally I think she is taking the coward's way out. She is not faultless in all of this and I agree with David that she is not behaving in a very nice manner. I would not even attempt to justify her behaviour with statements like "she wants you to move on", "trying to make it easier on you" etc. People who behave in such a manner are not at all motivated by altruism...they are motivated by cowardice. After being with someone for so long you do indeed deserve better treatment than this...and it is unacceptable for even a friend to treat someone like this. I personally can't stand when a so-called friend doesn't bother calling back but then tells another friend to tell me that they were planning at some point on getting back to me. It is rude and it makes you feel like you are below the bottom of their list.

 

Given the way she has behaved, I would suggest you don't show that it bothers you...in fact, you don't need to prove anything to her...who cares what she thinks of you at this point since she has proven that she is no great shakes herself. I would really suggest that rather than make an issue out of this which will just make her feel like you are not over her...and will give her an ego boost...that you simply view this as your closure with her...swallow your anger and irritation and just tell yourself that she doesn't really need to know about the new you...you have proven it to yourself and you are the only person who matters. Don't get so swallowed up in your anger that you undo the progress you made.

[Hosvius]

completely drop it. do absolutely nothing. go back into NC. dont bother calling/emailing/texting etc. wait until she contacts you. vanish off the map bro. go about your life doing what you were doing. if she wants anything further i promise she will call you.

[Clemente21]

Hosvius is correct...drop it. Don't email, don't text, don't call. If she wants to chat with you, she'll find a way to contact you--and someday, down the road, she will. By this time, though, you'll have moved on and learned to love yourself again--to trust yourself and hopefully found someone who can take the good times AND the bad and support you no matter what. It is easy to stay around when life is lollipops and roses, it's extremely hard to handle someone who is depressed or going through a rough time, but the one who truly loves you will be there for you day in and day out. Keep in mind, always, that you are valuable and deserve to be treated that way.

[david_01]

Thanks guys for all your advice. I'll leave it for now as I don't need to contact her anyway. It was just annoying that she was not doing what she said and that would irritate me whoever it was.

 

My question is what to do if she does contact me. Say she calls me this week or next week way after when she said she would. Do I answer and carry on as normal or shall I not even bother to answer at all since she never did what she said she would?

[Landon]

u should answer and act like very happy, keep it short no matter what u do

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks guys for all your advice. I'll leave it for now as I don't need to contact her anyway. It was just annoying that she was not doing what she said and that would irritate me whoever it was.

 

My question is what to do if she does contact me. Say she calls me this week or next week way after when she said she would. Do I answer and carry on as normal or shall I not even bother to answer at all since she never did what she said she would?

 

Answer it, be very pleasant and see if she brings up why she couldn't talk to you until then. Keep the conversation short..you owe her nothing.

[NoPainNoGain]

Hi,

 

 

 

4 or 5 days went by and she never contacted me so I wrote her an email saying that I literally just wanted to meet up and catch up and nothing else

 

 

Shes not worthy.

[pumpkinmoon]

no she isnt worthy, noone who dumps us and leaves us in this mess is worthy, i'm just bitter today

[Addicus]

I agree with those that say do nothing. Keep walking, as far away from her as possible! YOU have changed for you..not her. No one should ever change for someone else! Be proud you made changes. Always remember it's her loss.

[david_01]

Hi everyone,

 

Ok a little update for you but I have some questions that I'm hoping people here can answer.

 

Well I finally got a text from her this morning saying that she was sorry she hadn't been in contact but she has realised that she doesn't now want to meet up yet because she feels she still needs more time and isn't ready to meet. She said that she does want to meet me though but she needs some more distance and time and that she'll call me in about a month to arrange something and by then it will be fine.

 

Now I may be being cynical here but from a dumpers perspective I don't understand why she needs more time. If you choose to leave someone and thereforeeee doing what you think is right and makes you happy, why would you still be healing two months later. The only way I can relate to it is when I dumped someone in the past which I've done once (only had two relationships). Thing is I was really happy about it at the time and didn't miss the relationship at all and I certainly couldn't imagine needing more time after a couple of months or still hurting beyond about a week.

So can someone shed a light on the emotions that she may be going through or does she just not want to know me at all and is thereforeeee just getting rid of me altogether?

 

She has told me that she really really enjoyed our time together but I think "not that much"!

 

The other thing is that I'm ok most of the time but I've realised that the odd time I do wake up feeling down, it happens to be the time when she has popped up in my dream and we've gotten back together. When I wake to the reality it just starts my day off so badly. If I didn't dream about her then I'd be fine.

 

Lastly, I'm not ready yet but there will be a time when I may meet someone else. The thing is that right now, I feel that if I did meet someone I would almost be being unfaithful to my ex (obviously that's not the case). After having read things on this board about people getting back together several months later, I'm worried that if that did happen I wouldn't want to complicate things by being with or seeing other people. The thing is when will I be able to let that go and actually move on with my life and realise that it's ok to do so.

If she is still hurting, then is she not totally comfortable with her decision? In which case if she knew I had moved on then I may seem a heartless person who obviously got over it all very easily?

 

I feel lost at the mo so please help guys.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to accept that this is over. You are clearly not ready to date yet otherwise you wouldn't be worried about it seeming unfaithful. It actually wouldn't be unfaithful since she told you she is not ready to see you, didn't contact you when she said she would etc. You really don't owe her anything and your life is your own to do as you please regardless of whether or not she would be upset. She dumped you and has shown no interest in getting back with you...so if you meet someone else, tough luck for her. You actually did give it your best shot and she threw you away...so you have nothing to feel guilty about....just live your life and if she comes back eventually then she will have to live with the consequences of her actions and deal with the fact that you might have had other relationships in the meantime.

[Addicus]

CAD speaks the truth. Sorry that you are going through this. As for waking up in a bad place, feeling sad etc, it seems common and is frequently shared by people on this site. It souds like you are having more good days than bad which is great. Just keep taking care of you. It will get better. Summer is upon us and it's time to get out ther and have fun. Focus on you and the rest will take care of itself.

[lost1234]

I agree with CAD also. I reiterate that her actions are probably guided by guilt. If you look at it from that point of view, more things make sense. I hate it when peoples' actions are guided by guilt, because you really don't know what they are thinking and then you start trying to analyze everything and it drives you crazy.

[david_01]

Hello Again,

 

OK so you thought this thread was finished well not quite as am still needing some guidance.

Basically I did hear from her again and she explained that she didn't want to meet because it was too soon and she wasn't ready. She said she needed space and time and then it would be fine.

So with that in mind I quite happily backed off. I was pleased that she had finally said what I had known all along. She also told me that we would meet before she goes off on her work placement in June.

 

Since then though we've had a few texts back and forth. Nothing special just telling each other a couple of things that have happened recently.

 

The thing is now, I'm not sure how this being "friends" thing can work. When I do move on to someone else, surely it could complicate things and now she still pops up in my dreams which is a real downer! I feel like the mess of the breakup is just dribbling along. Although I kinda of am over it now, but the dream thing is a bit weird.

 

Yesterday she text me asking me if I was watching some tv programme, I was at work and wasn't so didn't bother to text back. Just after midnight she text me again telling me about a work opportunity that she had been offered but was unable to do. I still haven't text back and wondered whether I should or not? I don't want to act stupid here and start ignoring her but she did say she wanted space and distance!?!

 

I'm worried that if I meet someone and start seeing someone else that by the law of murphy she may come back into my life and maybe want me back. For me I don't think I'd be able to deal with that and it could complicate things a lot. So for now I'm wondering whether I should just cut her out my life completely and if people think I should, how should I go about doing that?

 

I know people do it all the time, but I'm struggling to see how I could be friends with an ex. Surely future boyfriends are gonna mess with our heads.

 

Maybe I should tell her that she still pops up in my dreams when we text and that I dont want that anymore so should stop contact!?!

[Clabs]

Hi David

 

The old "friends" question comes up a lot on here. The problem is that where you still have some romatic feelings for the other person, it really doesn't work out. It is not really a friendship - not a proper friendship anyway.

 

I quite agree that if you meet someone else, having an ex hanging around in the background is likely to complicate things and make your new partner uneasy. This goes for your ex too.

 

I think you are far better to turn around and walk away from this. You won't be a jerk by ignoring her - as you rightly say - she was the one who asked for time and space. Give it to her. Who knows - a long way down the road you might feel comfortable contacting one another but I do mean a long time - maybe a year or more.

 

When someone breaks up with you it is different rules - you need to become selfish and do what is best for you. You will find it much easier in the long run to get over her if you are not batting pointless messages back and forth.

 

Don't worry about the dreams - they suck but they are quite normal - and yes - they will stop!

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Clabs. It is often the case that the dumper wants the security of the "friendship" and someone pining after them while having the freedom to date others. Her contact with you is just about trivialities and nonsense..do you really need that in your life? It sounds like it is not helping you heal. I would suggest you go complete no contact with her. She wanted space...give her all the space she needs by walking out of her life.

[david_01]

So do you think that I should not reply to these texts or should I say something?

 

It will be very sudden if I stop replying out of the blue and she may think that something bad has happened so should I not say something?