Wedding Bell Blues

[Dako]

Yes, that's my point.

I think people leaving a wretched marriage are more inclined to get back on that horse because the loss isn't the same. I also wonder why eagerness to marry is equated with seriousness or loyalty. Some scoundrels will marry at the drop of a hat.

[honeybee52]

I get it. Kind of a paradox, it seems, to not want to enter into marriage again because the last one was so good. My bf is very loyal and very serious and very committed. This comes down to an "I would like to live together" desire on my part. He won't live together without marriage, so unless we tie the knot, we'll be essentially living separately lives. That's what I'm struggling with.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He has commitment issues and as much as he complains about his living situation, he is actually much happier living a non-committed life...in other words, being free to come and go as he pleases with his girlfriend as well as his family and even his living arrangements. The fact that he doesn't want to have more stability in his living arrangements despite his complaints of living out of a suitcase suggests to me that his problems go a lot deeper than simply not wanting to be married. People who have issues with commitment and being tied down can have those same issues within a marriage..in other words, commitmentphobia is a mindset and not something that is situation dependent...a man who gets married can still be commitmentphobic...what happens is that they put emotional distance between them and their partner. In your situation, he might be warm and loving...but there is a line drawn in the sand that you can't cross...the issue of marriage and living together. Supposing you did get married to him, if he hasn't solved his commitment issues, there would be another line drawn in the sand which would prevent you from completely fulfilling the sense of partnership.

[just M.E.]

honeybee, Dako brings out a very good point, the reluctance to remarry is based within him and I would bet it is not a reflection on how he feels about you. That in itself may only make it tougher for you.

 

I ordered a crystal ball about a year ago but it still hasn't come ;-) sure would make life easier!

[lady00]

There may be a lot of legitimate reasons why this man does not want to get married ever again, and they may have nothing to do with you. I personally think that is irrelevant. You want marriage and you shouldn't compromise on that if you cannot be truly happy otherwise. It doesn't make sense in a relationship if you're not fulfilled. Marriage is important to a lot of people, including myself, so I can understand where you are coming from. Marriage is also a scary thing for a lot of people, so I can understand where they are coming from. But, my feeling on this is...if one person wants marriage and the other does not, it's a no-go.

[honeybee52]

I agree that this is his hang-up to unravel. He loves me a lot and he needs to resolve these issues, for himself and for us, as well. For those of you who are still nice and patient enough to read my story, I thought of another thing that recently happened to make me all confused. About two months ago, when I brought up the topic of marriage, he said, "Well, what would be the first step in moving toward doing that?" And I said, "Getting engaged." And he said, "Okay, we can do that." But....... nothing came of it!!! Now let me say that he is very honest/forthright, and not one to b.s. his way out of a situation. The mixed messages are killing me.

[annie24]

have you read 'men are from mars, women are from venus?' there is a 'script' in there for what to say when you want to get married, and he's dragging his feet.

[honeybee52]

NEWSFLASH: We had a big talk two days ago and I told him that we need more of a commitment which would involve a "plan" for our future. The upshot of the conversation is that he said we'll get married in fall '09 at the latest, but possibly sooner. He isn't the type to b.s. people, so I am happy. I think he needed a little boot in the behind. Some men seem to get a little too comfortable with the status quo. THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!! Your advice helped me realize that I deserve to have what I want in my life. I will keep you posted.

[lady00]

NEWSFLASH: We had a big talk two days ago and I told him that we need more of a commitment which would involve a "plan" for our future. The upshot of the conversation is that he said we'll get married in fall '09 at the latest, but possibly sooner. He isn't the type to b.s. people, so I am happy. I think he needed a little boot in the behind. Some men seem to get a little too comfortable with the status quo. THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!! Your advice helped me realize that I deserve to have what I want in my life. I will keep you posted.

 

Good for you, Honeybee! Out of curiosity, did you consult "Men are From Mars..."?

[annie24]

great news! how did you bring it up to him such that he didn't get all angry?

[honeybee52]

Well, he knew I was very serious and was not going to back down from the issue, and truthfully, I was at the point where I didn't care if he was going to get angry. I just needed some answers. I think he sensed my seriousness, and he respected me for it because I wasn't all weepy or begging. I was just confident and direct. Plus-- we had the talk in the morning after a long and beautiful night of love making, so in all honesty, that helped, too!!!!

[annie24]

yes, i agree, no reason to get weepy or beggy, you just need to know what is up, if you should stay with him or if it's time to move on if marriage is important to you. i am glad things seem to have worked well! let us know how things go!

[Dako]

He may have appreciated a nudge. No matter how a marriage starts, it's the long run that matters.