Wedding Bell Blues

[honeybee52]

Well, where do I start? I am a 52-year-old woman who is madly in love with my bf of five years (age 55). We went through a lot of sacrifice to be together, with him giving up a business in a big city to move five hours away to be with me and start a new life. His family (mother, sisters, brothers) also live in my area, so he has been able to reconnect with them, although I know his life in the big city had a lot more to offer. He has no children and was married before, and I think he still hasn't healed from it, even tho he was the one who left. He is teaching at the same college where I teach, and we do everything together, and we have an outstanding sex life, a wonderful supportive relationship, with plenty of laughter. Yes, it's just about perfect.

 

Here's what's become the "problem." I would like to get married within the next couple of years. My daughter is in her first year of college, so by then, she'll have gained more independence. However, my bf gets really tense (to the point of anger) whenever I bring up the idea. This worries me a lot. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out to him around three weeks ago, and he has not read it yet. I brought it up two days ago, and once again, he got upset and said some cruel things that he later said he didn't mean. He claimed that I am never satisfied and asked why I can't be happy with the way things are. We see each other all the time, and he does help me in every way around my house, and I always show my appreciation, but I do want a marriage. He keeps saying he isn't ready emotionally, and once my daughter is off on her own, it will happen. That could be several years from now-- ugggghhh-- I really do not get it because his resistance to marriage does not fit with how great our relationship is... it really feels like marriage would be a natural, happy next step...

 

We are taking a few days off from each other, and it's terribly sad. I told him that this is really a simple situation-- we are crazy about each other, we love to be together, we should get married and share our lives. It should not be this traumatic situation-- it should be a happy and positive step.

 

I want to stick to my guns and not just move along pretending nothing has been said. That's what typically happens, and then the same stuff keeps coming up again and again because it's never resolved. I hate the thought of losing him, it's really heartbreaking, and I'm hoping he will come around... but meanwhile..........

 

Am I being selfish? Am I not being sensitive to everything he has gone through, and continues to go through, in adjusting to his life changes? Should I just give him time to be ready on his own? Has anybody else been in this situation?

 

H-E-L-P ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[just M.E.]

Why are you fixated on marriage? If he was so traumatized by his divorce and wouldn't marry, would you end the relationship?

 

Would you want him to marry you even if he was uncomfortable with the act of marriage?

 

I ask these questions, because I don't know if I would ever marry again. I have serious doubts and at "our" age, there seems less of a need for a marriage. You and he are not going to start a family.

 

I guess I think at an older age, it is very valid to consider all options.

[honeybee52]

Thank you, just ME.

 

I wouldn't want him to enter into a marriage if he were uncomfortable; I'd want him to work toward getting comfortable with it.

 

He won't live together without marriage. No compromise, which I respect. So without marriage, we would be living separately for the rest of our lives, or until he gets over his phobia. Is that acceptable to me? Not really. I look forward to living my older years in a partnership with someone, not in a situation where we both have to maintain separate living quarters.

 

Would I break up with him if I knew we would only be dating forever? Probably, because yes, I do want a partnership that involves living together.

 

Anyway, I think things are crumbling because we are in entirely different places about this. I've started to become resentful because I don't "get it." He gets angry and feels I don't appreciate what we have.

 

It's really hard.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Marriage is actually very important with regards to life decisions in the event of illness. Although you are together, without marriage I don't know what the laws are where you live regarding making decisions on his behalf if he becomes too ill to make certain decisions on his own. Things like medical decisions...what rights would you have or would it be his sister or mother making those decisions? So aside from the romantic notions and connectedness of marriage, there are also these very important medical decisions that might come into play considering you are both now in your fifties.

 

It doesn't sound like he wants to get married, not now, not ever and is quite content with the status quo. Basically you have to decide whether or not you can live your life with him, but not having the legal bond with him.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

i guess my first question was going to be - 'is he committed to you? does he make you feel loved?' and my second question is 'does he not believe in marriage?' i know many happy couples who have been together for decades, but without an official marriage. that's fine, as long as they are cool with that! it seems like this guy does want to get married again, or at least is open to it, if he is saying he won't live together without marriage.

 

on the other hand, that worries me, because he's known you for 5 years, and if he doesn't think you are 'the one', i don't think he will ever be. i would walk away, if you are wanting to live with a man again someday. you can meet someone else. my mom got remarried at 63. it's never too late to find love.

[honeybee52]

Thanks, crazyaboutdogs. There are many reasons why marriage is a practical option, as you mentioned. There are also emotional reasons. We're supposed to take a trip accross country soon, and I'm a bit uncomfortable telling parents and family members because I know they will disapprove. It all seems rather ridiculous that we can't move forward, considering how great we are together.

 

Annie24, Yes, he definitely makes me feel loved, and he is very committed to the relationship. I have no doubts about that-- do you see why I'm confused??? He tells me that I am "the only one" he'll ever be with, and that he does not want to date anybody else... so... I don't get it!!!!

 

We are going to have a "sit down" later in the week, so I'll see what he says... it's just terrible thinking of our relationship ending when we are so happy and in love. He usually takes his time and is negative when it comes to new things. Like when we got a dog, he didn't want to commit to it, so I took all responsibility at the very beginning-- and now he is so in love with our dog and thinks he is the greatest... Come to think of it, most new situations are met with a "no" but then he comes around if I push it a little... Maybe he just needs encouragement...

[annie24]

i don't necessarily think that 'pushing' him into marriage will work the same way it did with a puppy. i know some women who backed off, and that's when their guy finally proposed. if he doesn't want to take it the next step, you can always back away one step, only see him once a week, don't be so available to take his calls, etc...

 

i mean, i think you should tell him what you want, but if that is not what he wants, then you may need to walk away.

 

what is he afraid of exactly?

[honeybee52]

I'm not very aggressive, so by pushing him, I agree-- I would just be less available, not badger him into it. That would not work. I hope and pray he comes around. He seems really depressed today and said he feels a lot of sadness, but that's about the extent of what he's said. He is trying to sort out his thoughts to figure out what he's feeling and why he feels that way. I guess I need to have faith in our love that he will come around...

[annie24]

did his ex-wife clean him out after the divorce? would you be willing to sign a prenup? did she cheat on him or something, and he is afraid that would happen again if he married?

 

maybe you two can see a counselor together to get to the bottom of why he is holding back.

[honeybee52]

Basically, he is kind of a perfectionist... a "do good" kind of person, who doesn't want to hurt others. His ex wife spent much of her time away, didn't show him much affection, and was very thankless, so it was a distant marriage. When he left her, he gave her (willingly) his entire bank account, bought her a brand new car, and set her up in a nice house. None of this was mandated by the court. He did it because he felt guilty and because he wanted her to be comfortable. I think he is afraid of "failure" -- and also, since he has started a new life, he has some mid-life identity issues-- and maybe he doesn't want his life swallowed up by mine (I have a successful, stable career, a nice home, etc. etc.). Those are my own thoughts. Counseling is a good idea, we have tried it individually and together, but he tends to go in saying everything is hunky dory, rather than offering up his vulnerabilities. He thinks he can figure out everything on his own......

[just M.E.]

honeybee -

 

You have a tough situation and seeing the complete story, I would lean to your reactions, not simply due to the marriage issue but I would be concerned that he has unresolved issues that are hanging over from earlier in life, his marriage included.

 

I do know that people who think everything is hunky dory rarely can see the other person's views. Although I also know this to be a generally male viewpoint of dealing with emotions and buried issues and generationally, older men tend to be more reluctant to opening up. Not every person can open up to counseling.

 

I agree to the idea of having someone to share life's later years with although I wonder if that will be a reality for me. It seems as years go on, the pool is smaller and I still haven't lessoned my ideals of the fish I want. As we get older we have so much "stuff", baggage or whatever, that we carry. Finding two people who have room for each others baggage gets a little trickier, but settling isn't very appealing.

 

You have to be true to what you want for you, if he can't find a way to meet you in the middle now, maybe in the long run, it would fall apart at some point later?

[Anotherday]

Maybe this is a stupid question, but why do you feel you have to be married to him?

 

Is it for financial reasons, security reasons, not wanting to be alone when you're older reasons? I can see being married when one is younger and going to be raising a family, but at our age, what's the necessity?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I am having a hard time understanding how marriage would be important, unless if were for one of the above considerations?

[annie24]

i'm guessing part of the issue is that he doesn't want to move in together.........

[honeybee52]

Thanks for your thoughts, just ME. I hope you find the right fish. She's definitely out there somewhere... there are many women in their 50s who want to find a nice mate. Don't give up.

 

Anotherday, He will not live together without marriage, which I respect, so if we are not married, we would live apart for the rest of our lives. I like the idea of being in a partnership where I have someone to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with-- something lacking in my first marriage. I have always, even in marriage, felt like I'm on my own, so I'm very attracted to the idea of having someone to help me, as I would help them, as we live our lives together. It's not too complicated, really.

[honeybee52]

Annie, I think he is afraid of giving up what he sees as some independence. I am a very independent person, so I would always give him the space he needs. He just needs to trust himself and trust in our relationship, then everything will be fine... He loves being with me and spending time with me, he just can't seem to make the formal commitment...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maybe this is a stupid question, but why do you feel you have to be married to him?

 

Is it for financial reasons, security reasons, not wanting to be alone when you're older reasons? I can see being married when one is younger and going to be raising a family, but at our age, what's the necessity?

I don't mean to be harsh, but I am having a hard time understanding how marriage would be important, unless if were for one of the above considerations?

 

Marriage shouldn't be all about necessity...it should be about love and wanting to make the legal commitment. Just because someone is older and not about to raise a family, doesn't mean that marriage should be considered pointless. Marriage is not just about having a family, it is about having a loving bond...something that goes deeper than just dating or living together.

[Anotherday]

Crazyaboutdogs, I guess at this point in my life I am just jaded and cynical, so no one should listen to what I say. Perhaps someday I'll get the notion of marriage back

[Anotherday]

Anotherday, He will not live together without marriage, which I respect, so if we are not married, we would live apart for the rest of our lives. I like the idea of being in a partnership where I have someone to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with-- something lacking in my first marriage. I have always, even in marriage, felt like I'm on my own, so I'm very attracted to the idea of having someone to help me, as I would help them, as we live our lives together. It's not too complicated, really.

 

I guess I understand. I have just had horrendous experiences with men, and I am so used to being alone that this colors my judgment. Certainly we weren't meant to be alone. I wish you all the best

[thejigsup]

I know how your bf feels. I had a bad marriage experience and I now get hives at the thought of doing it again. I do, however, have a long-term bf who has gotten used to the idea of us never marrying. We see each other constantly, have a great sex life, and have very few issues, though we did go through a rough patch awhile back that has since righted itself. If he forced me to choose, I'd choose being single. I will not, and I do mean will not, marry again. Sounds like your bf loves you but has issues with marriage. These will not go away if you pressure him, that will only alienate him. If marriage is more important to you than he is, end it and find someone who wants to get married. I, too, will not live with anyone else, I hate that.

[Dako]

Did he express his views on marriage early on?

 

I'm 56 and won't marry again because I have no faith in the concept.

[honeybee52]

Dako-- He's talked about marrying me from the very beginning, but when I try to find out when he's thinking we can do it, he gets really nervous/upset. I would be happy if we even agreed on getting married in two years (that would make it almost 7 years together), but he can't even say that at this point. I know he is still rebuilding his life, but really.......... I feel I've been incredibly patient and supportive, and I think he would agree.

 

I'm surprised to find so many people who are down on marriage. I had a crappy one myself, and my parents had an even crappier one, but I have not given up on the idea. When you think about it-- it isn't "marriage" per se that was the problem, right? It was being married to a wrong person for you... I agree with crazyaboutdogs that marriage, when it's with a person you love and are compatible with, can create a special bond, and living together can be a really sweet arrangement. Unless I'm completely romanticizing it.

 

thejigisup-- I appreciate your honest answer, but it is disturbing that you would give up the person you love so deeply if he insisted on marriage. You must feel a lot of damage, and/or a lot of fear. Do you ever worry that he will find someone who wants to live with him or be married to him? Or isn't it important to him? Maybe this is the perfect situation for you two. Wouldn't you be terribly sad if he moved on without you? I'm not saying that he will; it's just that you seem a bit cavalier in your attitude about it.

 

I know it sounds weird to try to project what I feel would be good for my bf onto him, but really, I have a strong feeling that he would love being married and living together. He's always complaining that he doesn't have "a home" and that he basically lives out of a suitcase (between spending time w/ me and w/ his family). I know he's conflicted.

 

I would imagine that it isn't unusual for one person to be the motivator when it comes to marriage. I will try to see what happens and hope he comes around, but if he is dead set against it, I will most likely move on. And I'm not going to push him into anything by giving him an ultimatum. I'm just giving him time and space to do some soul searching. Hopefully, regardless of what becomes of us, it will help him figure out why he's harboring pain, and I hope he can let it go so he can free himself.

[just M.E.]

I know it sounds weird to try to project what I feel would be good for my bf onto him, but really, I have a strong feeling that he would love being married and living together. He's always complaining that he doesn't have "a home" and that he basically lives out of a suitcase (between spending time w/ me and w/ his family). I know he's conflicted.

 

honeybee -

 

I know you feel you are helping him because he is conflicted but be careful. There is a phsychological trap in that thought process. We always want to help, to reach out and make another's life better, but you need to remember in the end this is a choice he has to make and if he remains reluctant you will either push him into a decision he shouldn't make or push him away.

 

If a person makes a choice because subconsciously they are trying to please another, they rarely put the commitment into that choice. He needs to address those emotions that are holding him back if he is to be comfortable, but the Catch 22 is he needs to do this himself, you can't do it for him.

 

Sometimes standing back is hard to do, it is obvious that his conflict over not having a "home" is not enough to push him to change his life at this time.

 

Oh by the way, I am a woman ;-), does that change my fishing?

[Dako]

If he was talking marriage and is happy in the relationship, it's probably time to make your decision. He seems to be comfortable with the status quo.

 

BTW, I had a long wonderful marriage, amiable divorce and remain friends with my ex. In order to prevent another painful divorce, I'll simply avoid the precursor. If my marriage had been a disaster, I might be inclined to try again. Odd logic, but that's my take.

[honeybee52]

I agree with you, justME. I can't make up his mind for him; he has to live an authentic life. He will have to decide if and when he is ready and willing, or not. I would be satisfied knowing that something will happen within a couple of years. If he can't give me that, well... I have to look at it honestly.

 

As far as gender goes, I have no idea why I assumed you were a man. The fish for women in their 50s seem a little harder to find, but I do believe they are out there. But you should definitely wait for the one you want. We've spent too many years picking up smelly ones to drop bait into that pond again!

[honeybee52]

Interesting, Dako. He does remain "friends" (albeit distant) with his ex. It was a painful divorce, but not vicious. Maybe that makes him more afraid to try again? Because it didn't work with someone who was basically okay, and it wasn't a clear "mistake"? Is that what you're saying?