Girlfriend thinks my NC of ex is heartless

[Boughs]

So.. I dated a girl for two years, broke up two years ago and haven't spoken to her.

 

I just don't see the reason to ever contact her again, I mean I loved her, but I really have no desire to even talk to her.

 

My current girlfriend finds it kind of mean... and heartless, like I just disconnect from people and move on/leave.

 

I just don't want to have anything to do with my ex, even though we broke up on pretty good terms. I just think my girlfriend is scared I'll do it to her, which I will (but I haven't told her that).

 

I'm just a realist, I know good things come to an end, and I know how I cope with these things.

 

EDIT: Just reading through this it might seem that I don't love my current GF. I do of course, we've been together for a little over 2 months now. Things are great, I'm just trying to keep foresight in mind. Should I just put that stuff out of mind? I just think I keep a stronger heart if I keep that stuff in mind.

[MushroomGod]

Did you need NC to move on? I don't think its heartless at all. What more is there to say? I'm sure you would pick up if she called or something like that.

[Boughs]

Boughs, you are one cruel guy. No wonder girls hate guys like you, cold and heartless, esp since you are already saying you could do this to your CURRENT gf. You must be already (subconsciously) thinking of dumping her.

 

I hope one day someone does to you what you did to your ex.

 

Then you would understand the cruelty of your actions.

 

You are truly one who is uncompassionate and cold. I hope never to meet someone like you.

 

Perhaps I should have included that my ex and I broke up because she started doing drugs (blow). She went off the deep end after I broke up with her and apparently she is doing ok now. I don't want to jar her process of recovery. I also don't have anything in common with her anymore.

 

The current girl/woman (we are 21, whatever that makes us), is the best thing to come into my life, period. I hope to be with her for 7 years, then marry her, and spend my life with her... but we are 2 months in, we are discovering each other... good things come to an end. It could be 1 month from now, it could be 60 years from now when we die... whatever it is, I must prepare.

[Boughs]

Did you need NC to move on? I don't think its heartless at all. What more is there to say? I'm sure you would pick up if she called or something like that.

 

I would pick up if she called, yes. And yeah to move on, get away from drug use... which in turn made me turn to a stupid addiction, video games. But 2 years now, and I'm doing great

[Boughs]

My ex did what you did and just never spoke to me again. I have to tell you, it hurts like hell. Makes you think you meant nothing to them. BUT, in your defense, sometimes contacting them just gives them false hope. Yes, your action was very cold, but when something is over, it is over, right?

 

I just feel like we are different people now. She burned me out... I just don't see why I should contact her... what is there to say? I feel like its disrespectful to my current gf to talk to her.

[lady00]

I think for a lot of people, NC is the only way to truly heal but for me it has never lasted forever. I usually will at least talk to them a few years later if not sooner. I do, however, see value is just not contacting them ever again...there really is no point in it and most of the time you can't really develop a true friendship anyway (although it is possible in some cases and I have done it).

[Superfreak]

Boughs, you are one cruel guy. No wonder girls hate guys like you, cold and heartless, esp since you are already saying you could do this to your CURRENT gf. You must be already (subconsciously) thinking of dumping her.

 

I hope one day someone does to you what you did to your ex.

 

Then you would understand the cruelty of your actions.

 

You are truly one who is uncompassionate and cold. I hope never to meet someone like you.

 

 

Right because perpetuating a cycle of false-hope and jealousy through the sham of a friendship that typically characterizes ex-b/f and g/f relationships is far superior to forcing the other person to realize that things aren't going back to the way the were and expediting their healing in the process.

 

Sometimes a swift kick in the ass is a far better antidote then a shoulder to cry on.

[DN]

I find it a little ironic that there are so many posts on here from women concerned or angry because their partners talk to their ex's and now we have you being accused of being heartless because you don't.

 

Perhaps you should tell your girlfriend that you will take her advice and call up your ex and invite her out for dinner to 'talk over old times'.

[JadedStar]

Boughs you are not being cruel. I think that your doing that probably helped your ex to move on. I think that most people who hang on to an ex when they were the dumper do it to ease their conscience...it isn't in the best interest of the person who was dumped even tho it might FEEL that way at the time.

 

I think it is cruel to toy around with smoeone after you break up. Kindness is EASILY misconstrued and it keeps that person from fully moving on.

[JadedStar]

Boughs, you are one cruel guy. No wonder girls hate guys like you, cold and heartless, esp since you are already saying you could do this to your CURRENT gf. You must be already (subconsciously) thinking of dumping her.

 

I hope one day someone does to you what you did to your ex.

 

Then you would understand the cruelty of your actions.

 

You are truly one who is uncompassionate and cold. I hope never to meet someone like you.

 

If more people handled break ups like Boughs did there would be far less confusion and torn emotions.

 

He is not cruel. It's called moving on.

[orangesoda]

This has nothing to do with gender. Girls do this just as much guys.

 

And personally, what Boughs did, he did it out of principle, not out of spite. There's a genuine reason for his NC, so that the both of them move on. I don't think he deserves to be vilified.

[browneyedgirl36]

I just feel like we are different people now. She burned me out... I just don't see why I should contact her... what is there to say? I feel like its disrespectful to my current gf to talk to her.

 

I agree with you. In this case, and in many other cases, NC is entirely acceptable, and even necessary. You're with someone else now, so what reason do you have to contact her?

 

I understand why some people think NC is cruel, but having been in several situations in which an ex kept in touch with me when he had NO plans whatsoever to reconcile with me, I can honestly say I would rather have done NC than be given any sort of false hopes. I think it's far more cruel to give a hurting and vulnerable person false hope.

[browneyedgirl36]

I am the recipient of having been dumped only to have him never speak to me again. Why should he? He is with another now and it is over. The fact that I still love him, miss him and cry my eyes out is NOT his problem. I see nothing wrong with Bough's opinion on this.

 

Agreed. My ex and I aren't totally NC, because we work together, but we have no contact outside of work anymore. Yes, it's hard. Before he took back his previous ex, we were in contact A LOT via texts, phone calls, lengthy e-mail exchanges, and now...nothing. It's sad, but he's with someone else -- there's nothing I can do about that. I don't understand or agree with his choice to take back someone who has repeatedly hurt him, but the fact is, he DID choose, and I have to respect that, even if I don't like it. At least he's not still stringing me along like he was a few months back. That was pure hell.

[JadedStar]

I think it's far more cruel to give a hurting and vulnerable person false hope.

 

Yes, it most certainly is. I find it cruel to keep in contact and give the dumpee false hopes. THAT is cruel.

[lady00]

Perhaps your girlfriend's fear is more about the possibility of breaking up. I think it's possible that deep down your gf knows that if you did break up then NC would probably be for the best, but she doesn't want to think about that because the thought of breaking up makes her sad...and so she's transferred that sadness onto the whole concept of NC. She probably can't imagine never talking to you ever again so the thought of it makes her upset. I think when people start to worry what will happen after a breakup, it may just be a signal that they are feeling fearful of the actual breakup itself.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am the recipient of having been dumped only to have him never speak to me again. Why should he? He is with another now and it is over. The fact that I still love him, miss him and cry my eyes out is NOT his problem. I see nothing wrong with Bough's opinion on this.

 

Misskitty, let me ask you this, would you, deep inside your heart, like to hear from him again? I am not saying it is his problem, or that it is a problem of the dumper. I am just saying dumper or dumpee, people should have an ounce of compassion for the other person who was hurt in the process. Maybe check up on them a bit to see if they are doing ok.

 

Yes, I do have a bone to pick with those who dump, and then proceed to never speak to the dumpee again. Maybe it is because I have some empathy for the dumpee since I have been the dumpee many times in a relationship. And, for a lot of dumpees, most times the breakup comes out of nowhere and is akin to a "brick falling from the sky".

 

I've been lucky in that with all the relationships I have ever been in, and they are not that many, that the dumpers have not just dumped me stone cold, never to be heard from again.

[renaissancewoman101]

Agreed. My ex and I aren't totally NC, because we work together, but we have no contact outside of work anymore. Yes, it's hard. Before he took back his previous ex, we were in contact A LOT via texts, phone calls, lengthy e-mail exchanges, and now...nothing. It's sad, but he's with someone else -- there's nothing I can do about that. I don't understand or agree with his choice to take back someone who has repeatedly hurt him, but the fact is, he DID choose, and I have to respect that, even if I don't like it. At least he's not still stringing me along like he was a few months back. That was pure hell.

 

Do you ever want a friendship with him? Also, if you made contact with him outside of work, would he be open to it, or is this something you are doing on your own?

 

I am not criticizing, just curious.

[SRufus]

Well, i've had two relationships.

 

One was a year long. She dumped me, and we are friends now, but it took a long time for that to happen. We didn't go into NC straightaway, and we saw each other a few times afterwards, and that hurt like hell. Eventually, after going through a massive depression, and after 3 months, I initiated NC- made a big dramatic speech, and she was upset, but I needed to let go. I did this, and regretted it not long afterwards. I met someone new (EX number 2) and recontacted my Ex to see if i still had feelings for her. I didn't. So, I decided we could be friends.

 

I dated EX 2 for 2 months, thought I was more well-equibbed to handle it, and she was playing headgames. She dumped me over the phone, and I was not angry or sad, and she got angry about that. Anyway, over the phone, she said she had too much baggage, and ended it. The very next day she came over and we reconciled. Two weeks later, we got into a huge fight on our little holiday, and i felt I was being set-up, and she dumped me whilst insulting the * * * * outta me. A week later, she apologises for her actions, but says perhaps it is for the best. We've been in NC for over two months now, and it sucks. It's weird that my first EX and I are still friends, yet I was hoping this one would call me. For a dumpee, NC is the way to go, and I am not going to call or beg or cry to EX 2, and it seems so harsh that she hasn't budged from her position. She basically said during the argument that when she breaks up with someone, she NEVER goes back, and never become friends. Really cold.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think once there is a breakup, it is important to really talk it out to say everything both people need to say, but then what is there left to say after you have discussed the reasons for the breakup?

 

You don't return to the source of your pain to heal your pain. You need to look for support elsewhere, and build relationships with friends who can be in your life long term, meet new people to seek new potential partners.

 

Otherwise hanging onto an ex is just wanting a security blanket, and a false one at that becuase you really can't continue to depend on the person to be there for you because the relationship is no longer there and you both need to move on.

 

So hanging onto an ex really is counterproductive to healing once you've talked it out. Talking it out may take more than one meeting, but expecting the person to continue to play a large role in your life just isn't realistic. It is like your former employer expecting you to be on call to still help them with your former job when you have moved onto another company. There may be a short transition period of time when you might offer help, but it is not your responsbility to still have to participate in a relationship that you are no longer involved in, whether that is your former job or your former relationship.

 

So not really fair or realistic to expect the ex to provide any more than an explanantion for the breakup and short term contact after a breakup. You are after all broken up, and unfortunately that means not together, nor obligated to one another anymore. One should try to be as compassionate as possible during the breakup, but continued contact after the breakup is clear is strictly optional and should not be expected.

[browneyedgirl36]

Do you ever want a friendship with him? Also, if you made contact with him outside of work, would he be open to it, or is this something you are doing on your own?

 

I am not criticizing, just curious.

 

Hi Ren --

 

Yes, I hope to someday have a friendship with him, but I don't think it can happen until I am totally over him -- or at least until I no longer want to be with him. I think that one thing that would help tremendously is if I started dating others, particularly if I found someone that I really cared about and got into a relationship with. I have a feeling that it would help me to stop wanting to be with him once and for all. Basically, at this point, I *know* intellectually that we'll never be together (at least I'm 99% sure of it), so the next guy I date will not be a "rebound" -- I am fully prepared to move on when (if?) I find a great guy. I just don't feel that, right at this moment, I can handle being friends and hearing about his relationship with the woman who has hurt him so many times and that he keeps taking back. I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that he passed on me, someone who has NEVER hurt him, to be with someone who has repeatedly caused him pain. Someday I hope to be past that feeling, though. He's actually a good guy, and being friends with him at some point would be nice.

 

As far as the contacting thing goes...I have chosen not to contact him for several reasons: 1) My intentions, at this point, would not be *pure*; since I still have feelings for him, it wouldn't just be "friendly" contact on my part, and I don't want to contact him unless I know I don't want or expect anything more; 2) He has a girlfriend, and because I have feelings for him, I don't think it's really appropriate for me to contact him right now. Granted, I wish he wasn't with her, and I don't think he should be with her, but I respect the fact that he has chosen to be with her, and I don't want to interfere in any way as he attempts to re-build his relationship with her; 3) To be honest, I'm not sure he WANTS to hear from me, and I don't want him to be annoyed by me contacting him. I mean, he hasn't contacted me either, so I'm not sure he wants to talk to me outside of work. He seems happy to see me at work, and we even had a nice, rather long conversation the other day, but...I don't know how he'd react if I called him or texted him just to "talk." In the past, before he got back with his ex, I would have been more likely to call or text him, but now...I just don't think it's a good idea. Maybe at some point something will happen to break the ice and we'll be able to talk on the phone every once in awhile or exchange e-mails, but I don't know when that will be.