Long talk with the ex this morning

[EyesOnThePrize]

So, this morning before work, I was sorting out a bunch of my ex's stuff that was in the master bedroom. I found lots o'trash, too. Anyway, I was stacking some of her stuff up in the hall. I run into her after I take my shower, and she tells me that putting the stuff there isn't helping, its actually delaying her because she has to sort through it and decide what to keep (oops, so much for best intentions). She then really starts to break down. She's scared and depressed about the whole move. She saw more pictures of her new place and its even smaller than she thought. She's upset about all of her memories that she has to leave behind. I assured her that anything she can't take will be safe here (I'll have plenty of storage room after she leaves...lol...just put it in boxes and forget about it). Yeah, some of you may disagree with that, and as I told her later in the conversation, I still hope that one day she'll come back to her things.

 

She's having a rough time financially with the move, its much more expensive than she expected, and she believes that all of the people who said they would help with the move or would be there for her have abandoned her (have I mentioned that her life is run by a fear of abandonment much? lol). She's concerned about having no money when she gets there. Apparently she's blown through much of her savings, which really surprised me. I thought that money was untouchable except for emergencies. She still has her credit cards, and I think she's hesitant to use them. Anyway, after the talk, I really appreciated how tough this is on her. And she asked me if I would help slimeball take her bedroom stuff out to the truck next Wednesday. At first I refused, and then I took a step back and said "Would the man I want to be put aside his dislike of slimeball for a couple of hours to help the woman he loves? Yes..I think he would" so I changed my position. I can deal with him to help her, although I'm not saying that a cabinet might not mysteriously fall onto his foot...three or four times. Much like I'm giving her the cat because I love her more than I love the cat, I'll help slimeball because I love her more than I dislike him. To me, its an act of unconditional love, although from my stand point, I think its not unconditional, because it will probably bother slimeball that I would help her even after all this.

 

I told her that the door was still open to her here, and almost said "but I don't know for how long" and decided not to. I thought that this might be a "digging in the knife" and I didn't think it would have helped the situation. Later, I told her that I was going to continue working on myself after she left. She said "I hope so", although my housemate says (and I agree), not to read too much into that. He believes (as do I) that she really doesn't know what she wants at this point. I also told her that while I was doing the work for me, she was my inspiration (and she is). Finally, I told her that I didn't know if she considered it cliche, but I am trying to turn myself into someone she would like to get together with. I think she was a bit more at ease after everything, and this is probably as tough on her as it is on me.

 

I realized something about the statement "I am trying to turn myself into someone you would like to get together with." I find it a very empowering statement. It doesn't say "I am trying to turn myself into someone who would like to get together with you." To me, that's a pursuer mentality. The way its phrased, I think its saying "I am attempting to become more attractive to you. I am attempting to become someone where you say 'wow...I should pursue this guy.'" As I've mentioned elsewhere, I think the pursuer has to become the pursued in a reconciliation, and I think that's exactly the thrust of this statement. And, if I'm becoming someone she would like to get together with, even if she doesn't want the same, I'm sure it will make me more attractive to others, too.

[Stambler]

Oh dear...

I'm 47 and just went trhough the exact same thing with my ex wife.

 

She wanted out, then she got scared and started crying to me about money, I still have some of her stuff here because her place is too small, she is miserable with me when she breaks up with BF after BF after BF....

 

You need to set boundaries. Do you have kids? If not, then the boundaries should be 100% NC.

 

I gave into my ex because of our son, but I finally set boundaries.

• Tell her she has to take her stuff, it's over and it no longer belongs in your house.
  
• If you want to move her stuff just to get rid of her (as I did) fine. But don't do it to be nice.
  
• How old is she? She can't manage finances? Well, guess what, she's going to learn.
  
• Don't offer to help financially.
  
• Don't fall for teh tears, wether she means it or not, she is not your worry anymore. Yo ucannot be responsible for her (think of it this way - di dyou worry about her BEFORE you met her?)

You can be civil, even loving, but you are only hurting her by "helping" her, know what I mean? She needds to grow up, just as my ex did. Helping her will never allow her to grow up.

 

She is leaving you - don't be a doormat like I did, it doesn't feel very nice..

 

One more thing... you refer to her BF as slimeball and apparently hate him, yet still love her? This is just wrong on so many levels. Did he hold a gun to her head and force her to leave you for him? Step back and think about this. It was HER decision, your anger should be toward her, not him.

[littlej]

Hang in there, it seems like you have the right approach. I am taking the high road and letting my ex be with her man. He screwed it up in the first place and most likely he will screw it up again. She called me and I don't know why. Maybe to see if I was mad? Her first words were "wow you actually picked up"

 

Hopefully she will see him for who he really is and see the difference. By the time she actually realizes it maybe I'll still be here! That's my take anyway. I think you are heading in the same direction.

[BooRidley]

Although slimeball is in the picture he is not to blame for any of this. Your anger towards him is conveniently misplaced if you ask me. I wanted to kill the guy my g/f cheated on me with until I realized he had nothing to with her cheating. It was the change in her feelings toward me that led her astray.

You are incredibly understanding from my point of view. I have no sympathy for my ex and although I still love her and wish she would come back I feel at this point these feelings are not realistic or helpful. I am not interested in becoming someone she would care for. I already was that. I am not interested in loving someone who would move away from me, why would I be? If we ever get back together it will be the changes in her that facilitate that possibility.

The future me will be more understanding of what it takes to keep a relationship healthy but I am not changing anything for her. I like me and if she doesn't any more that's too bad for her.

Just my 2cents...

[Stambler]

Dudes, Dudes, Dudes!!!

 

Can't you hear what you are saying?

 

You were not put on earth to be doormats! Your woman left you for another man, she left you... that is the most insulting thing a person can do, and you are waiting around for her to "change her mind". And listen to yourselves, you are expressing your anger at the new BF and not the cold hearted person that CHOSE to leave you? Have you no pride?

 

Move on, let them be, they will continue to do this to man after man after man... and I can promise you, IF you were foolish enough to take themn back, they would do it ot you again.

[rosephase]

Man, I don't want to sound mean or anything but you really sound like a door mat in this one. Work on making yourself the person you want to be. Not the person you think she wants to be with. That is a good way to screw yourself up. Take care of your needs first, it okay to still love her, but it's over and you need to grow and not make all you decisions on what you think she would want from you.

[Stambler]

Well said Boo - a bit more "professional" than my rant! LoL!

[littlej]

Dudes, Dudes, Dudes!!!

 

Can't you hear what you are saying?

 

You were not put on earth to be doormats! Your woman left you for another man, she left you... that is the most insulting thing a person can do, and you are waiting around for her to "change her mind". And listen to yourselves, you are expressing your anger at the new BF and not the cold hearted person that CHOSE to leave you? Have you no pride?

 

Move on, let them be, they will continue to do this to man after man after man... and I can promise you, IF you were foolish enough to take themn back, they would do it ot you again.

 

 

This is the hardest lesson I have yet to learn, It is obvious but the pain gets in the way sometimes.

[CallingAllAngels]

Dudes, Dudes, Dudes!!!

 

Can't you hear what you are saying?

 

You were not put on earth to be doormats! Your woman left you for another man, she left you... that is the most insulting thing a person can do, and you are waiting around for her to "change her mind". And listen to yourselves, you are expressing your anger at teh new BF an dnot the cold hearted person that CHOSE to leave you? Have you no pride?

 

Move on, let them be, they will continue to do this to man after man after man... and I can promise you, IF you were foolish enough to take themn back, they would do it ot you again.

 

I really have to agree with Stambler on this topic here. When I read when you guys all say that you are trying to "change yourselves" to become better men" I sit here staring at my computer sceen like this:

 

My husband committed adultry with numerous women. That means that I should try to change myself into a woman he finds more attractive?

 

No...there was something wrong with him.

 

I don't blame myself for his adultry.

 

And no man on this thread should blame themselves or try to change themselves for another woman.

 

Period.

 

You should accept yourselves for who you are and find a woman who is willing to love you for the wonderful men you are.

 

~Allie

[Litgirl01]

It's like a kid moving out of their parent's house for the first time! And she doesn't trust her equal (the slime ball) to take care of her! lol

[Stambler]

This is the hardest lesson I have yet to learn, It is obvious but the pain gets in the way sometimes.

 

I only speak so bluntly because of how I let her almost destroy me. Key words "I let her" and "almost"

 

Because it was my choice to let her, but I didn't!

 

Hang in there man! PM me anytime.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I appreciate all the feedback, and I also believe I am on the right track her. Unless you've read a lot of my posts, seeing me call this guy "slimeball" is somewhat out of context. I call him slimeball because I have no respect for him as a human being. My ex did not leave me for him, he was an opportunist.

 

I've said elsewhere that the only good thing about this divorce is that it woke me up to some behaviors that were not working for me in my life. I want to change these behaviors for me, not for her. If it makes me more attractive to her and she wants to come back and she's willing to do this on my terms, then I am interested. And if she doesn't, I believe that I will be more attractive to other women. In my mind, that's a win-win for me.

 

She was venting about her finances, she did not ask me for any money, nor would I have given her any money. The only "extra" money I am giving her is because I am buying a couple of things from her that went to her in the divorce settlement. For instance, she has some wooden shelves to which she was entitled that I really like. They cost us a good chunk of change ($250 or thereabouts, I think). She's willing to replace them with some Ikea shelves for $70. So, fine, I give her $70 and get to keep the shelves I want and save $180. That's just good business to me.

 

I don't mind keeping her stuff. I have the room, and its not like its going to be 1/2 my house filled with it (she has thrown or given away a tremendous amount of her stuff). However, there are some sentimental things that she would prefer not losing, and my goal isn't to cause her any additional pain, because that's not the sort of man I want to be.

 

I would request of you that you not assume that my ex is your ex or that you understand her issues. I think I have a much greater understanding than you of how her mind works.

 

The minute the moving truck pulls away I am going NC with her. I think she needs to understand what life is like without me in it (as her doormat, which I was for a lot of years). Sure, I'll still have to send her alimony checks, and a cat at some point, and if she wants her stuff, she can pay the postage, and that's it. If she decides that this leaves too big a void in her life, then she can talk to me about that. If she doesn't, then the NC will make it that much easier to get her out of my heart.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I believe that slimeball was a symptom of our problems, not the problems themselves. However, I believe that he is an opportunist with no respect for my ex or for himself. That's why I call him slimeball. I'm not angry with him because of his relationship with her. She'll figure him out soon enough. In fact, I almost welcome his presense, because I'm grateful for a break from her drama. But yeah, there's enough jealousy in me that I wouldn't mind giving him a couple of broken toes.

 

If my ex and I are ever to get back together, she has to change, too. This divorce was not 100% my fault. If she's not willing to change, then I don't think she'd be attractive to the improved me.

[Stambler]

I would request of you that you not assume that my ex is your ex or that you understand her issues. I think I have a much greater understanding than you of how her mind works.

 

I won't make those assumptions, this is just a hot topic for me and I HATE to see anyone else go through it. Just keep in mind, we often get blinded by love and can't see that real person that has hurt us so badly. I hope I have not offended you, because we are all here to help!

 

The minute the moving truck pulls away I am going NC with her. I think she needs to understand what life is like without me in it (as her doormat, which I was for a lot of years).

 

That is good to hear.

 

I still love my ex, although I'm not in love and don't want her back. And I still have some of her things at my house and have agreed to postpone the divorce so she can be covered under my insurance.

 

I am the Pot calling the Kettle black!

[Zeter]

...Finally, I told her that I didn't know if she considered it cliche, but I am trying to turn myself into someone she would like to get together with....

 

I realized something about the statement "I am trying to turn myself into someone you would like to get together with." I find it a very empowering statement.

 

Whoa! I find that statement to be quite the opposite; it is an emasculating statement. Think about who you are putting in control here, and the loss of respect as a result.

 

I know I am late coming to this thread, but there you are.

 

Zeter

[EyesOnThePrize]

Whoa! I find that statement to be quite the opposite; it is an emasculating statement. Think about who you are putting in control here, and the loss of respect as a result.

 

I know I am late coming to this thread, but there you are.

 

Zeter

 

I get that you say its emasculating, and I see it differently. I believe it is not saying "I am doing this to get together with you", I believe it is saying "I am doing this to be someone to whom you would be attracted", but it doesn't say "I'm going to try to get together with you" or even "I want to get together with you." I think it sends a message to the other person that "When I do this, you're going to want to get together with me." At least, that's how I see it.

 

Let me rephrase what I think it says in what I think is a more crass way..."Baby, when I'm done working on me, you're gonna get weak in the knees every time I walk by."

[BooRidley]

I get that you say its emasculating, and I see it differently. I believe it is not saying "I am doing this to get together with you", I believe it is saying "I am doing this to be someone to whom you would be attracted", but it doesn't say "I'm going to try to get together with you" or even "I want to get together with you." I think it sends a message to the other person that "When I do this, you're going to want to get together with me." At least, that's how I see it.

 

Let me rephrase what I think it says in what I think is a more crass way..."Baby, when I'm done working on me, you're gonna get weak in the knees every time I walk by."

 

 

The issue is that you are considering her feelings related to your self improvement. Her feelings should not be in play anymore. Get better for you. She will not know about the work you're doing to yourself unless SHE changes and decides she may want to be back with you because you'll be in NC. Right?

[EyesOnThePrize]

The issue is that you are considering her feelings related to your self improvement. Her feelings should not be in play anymore. Get better for you. She will not know about the work you're doing to yourself unless SHE changes and decides she may want to be back with you because you'll be in NC. Right?

 

I see where you believe that's the issue, and yes, I think the original intent of this statement was in a bf/gf situation or a husband/wife situation. And I'm doing this for me, because I want to be more attractive in general. It will help me find a better relationship in the future. That being said, I want her to be aware of the improvements. What she chooses to do at that point is up to her, and totally out of my control.

 

I will be in NC initially, for at least 30 days. I honestly haven't planned it out past that. When I believe I am comfortable having LC with her, I will switch to LC. When I believe I am healed, I don't think I'll have a problem with having her in my life at some level. Will I feel that way after 30 days of NC? I think that today, there's no way to know. Ask me in 35 days. Even when I change to LC, it won't be to say "So, ready to get back together?" That is not a question I ever plan to ask. Either she will ask it one day, or she won't.

[Stambler]

The more I read through this EOTP, the more I realize you are in denial.

 

She's gone. Take off the rose tinted glasses.

 

The mere fact that you became defensive about what I thought of your ex shows that you don't want to hear the truth. It hurts, I know, but it's just going to be worse until you buck up and face the music.

 

I've been throug hit and I say this because it pains me to see someone make the same mistakes I did...

[Litgirl01]

I don't really think he has rose tinted glasses....I think he is realistic about the fact that she may not come back. He is using the time to work on himself. I think we all go through the phase where we hold on to hope...I think we need to. xx

[sparrow]

I don't know the whole back story here, but PUHLEASE!!!!!! It is not your responsibility anymore to help her with ANYTHING, especially if she is already with someone else.

 

Do NOT be a doormat. Someone who would leave you for someone else WILL DO IT AGAIN later. Take me as an example. Please.

[EyesOnThePrize]

She gets very upset when I don't let her treat me as a doormat. In some odd way, I find that amusing. She's not going to like NC.

 

I am only interested in her if she will get help for her problems. If she wants to stay the way she is now, she is not the woman for me.

[lostandhurt]

I am going to be where you are very shortly if she can find a place and get out of MY HOUSE! I am working on myself for myself because I want to be a better father, brother, friend and boss to everyone in my life. She is screwed up in the head right now and wouldn't notice if I grew 6" taller overnight right now. Stambler speaks from being there and I trust his insight and advice....which is just what it is advice. My stbx has never ever lived on her own and has never had a 40 hr a week job either. Now she will have both plus taking care of our 8 yr old disabled son when I don't have him. How much time do you think she will have for the bf now that I am not financing the party? I know she will blame me for her new lot in life and it will cause problems, but I am preparing myself by becoming the best father I can be and taking the high road and therapy. I will try to follow as much advice that feels right to me and ignore the rest. We all love our wives/husbands dearly and this is new to us, but they have been doing this for some time and have turned the love they once felt for us to someone else. It might not be right....but it is true. I have considered some of the very things you wrote about (store things for her etc) but I realized my motives were to hope she would change her mind one day when she came to get something. It is over for us as it was....now is the time for as clean as a break as I can work out with a special needs son involved.

good luck on your journey....mine will start soon enough

lostandhurt