sparrow

Wow, dude... mixed signals, much? It's been sort of self-sacrificial for me to help you out and be there for you the last few days, around the holidays. I tried to be there for you, but you are still SO SO LOST. I look into your eyes and not only do I not see the boy who used to love me, but I also see someone who desperately needs counseling and help to overcome their burgeoning alcoholism. That breaks my heart almost MORE than the break-up, because I loved you unconditionally, dude. Anyone who convinced you that I was the cause of your unhappiness WAS WRONG. And I know who the people are who convinced you of that and I will never forgive them. Because not only did they help to destroy our chance to work things out and reach an understanding, they also did you a great, great disservice by not realizing that you NEED HELP and that it has NOTHING to do with me. But nobody advocated for me. Even after how long we'd been together. Nobody advocated for us. And that's why we're here now. Both so unhappy. You WERE HAPPY with me. I know you were. You were at your sparkling best. And you had a GREAT house and a GREAT girlfriend and love and affection and you gave it up FOR WHAT? It's sad... because you're devolving, after all that hard work. I believed in you. I wish you believed in me. I wish you believed in US.

To quote Jeff Buckley: "Lover, you should have come over, cuz it's not too late...."

I cannot believe we won't have our Christmas together this year, with our tree and our stockings for you, me and kitty. Don't you remember us? Don't you care?? Did you not think that that was the most beautiful, wonderful thing in the world? Who ARE you, now? Who has erased your memory of these things? When the sun came out today after a day of horrendous rain and you txted me, we had that moment of true connection again -- don't you MISS that? Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to you? Is it not significant? I love you so much and I miss you so much. I miss your beautiful blue eyes and your contagious smile.

I miss you sooo much right now, it's unbelievable. I cannot, cannot believe you just have completely forgotten all those little moments of pure joy we shared. You know what I mean. We used to make each other laugh like nothing else. We had our own language. We created our own little world and I would have done absolutely anything to make you smile day in and day out. Don't you remember us? Don't you remember your [insert adorable nickname he had for me here]?

Why did you come over and visit me in my driveway this afternoon because you "heard my car running?" And WHY oh WHY the f--- did you move out of our apartment and into the APARTMENT BUILDING RIGHT NEXT DOOR?!? Do you know what that does to me to know that only two walls separate each other right now and I cannot even touch you? By the way, I know you're aiming to be with M. Your best "gal pal." I guess I knew she would be my replacement as soon as you got rid of me. In fact, I should have broken up with you the FIRST time you told me you had feelings for her. Though you'd always tell me she was "like your sister." I guess you're really into incest? That's gross, J. I hope the two of you are having fun.... I'm sure everyone in town is just thrilled to pieces that you two are probably going to end up together. It's like one, big, disgusting happy family of co-dependent, alcoholic bartenders. I cannot believe that you'd be able to replace WHAT WE HAD with HER. She's an idiot. But, I guess you are, too, so maybe it's a match made in heaven. I sit here alone, unable to sleep, while you get everything you want and it's not fair. I cannot believe you didn't value what we had at all. I cannot believe you are moving out of this beautiful apartment we shared together for a life of drinking and lowest common denominator b-s. What we had was REAL. It was REAL intimacy and amazing love. And you gave it all up. Cut the cord. For what?? For more of the same-old, same-old? Because your BROTHER coached this entire break-up? Because he TOLD you to dump me? And acting all heartbroken at the time... acting like a mess, growing a beard -- is that all attention-seeking histrionics? You're a great actor. Cause apparently, you "pretended" to love me, too, right? WRONG. You DID love me. You still do. I don't understand what kind of person can just FLIP a switch like you can. You have broken my heart, probably permanently. I don't know how I can ever love or trust someone ever again after this. After I gave you so many chances. After you said you couldn't live without me. I believed you. I still believe you. I just don't know who you are anymore. The person I knew was beautiful. The person you are now.... well, it just breaks my heart to even think of what he's becoming. This quote from a poster here named Javabear is particularly apt, J: "That’s what love is… it knows the little things. It’s not butterflies or bashful giggles or dressing to impress. Love is sweatpants and Sundays spent watching Animal Planet. Love is remembering to leave out the mushrooms because we both hate how they taste. I was in love with you."