Nonchalance is Your Friend

[KateUK]

Sorry, but I am not a lady... Thus, I cannot speak from my own experience and give advice to the ladies.

 

Jaaayzuz, Mahree, and Jyoseph! We need nonchalant women in here! KateUK, show your pretty self up and give a motivational speech as well!

 

With the power of our voices, we'll start the Nonchalancaust

 

You are ace, Ruku. If you lived nearer, I would totally be knocking on your door ;-) x

[askltk]

Faithful - Go out, do your own thing, but when it comes to him, imagine that you are the lighthouse, and he is the boat. Imagine being strong yet fairly passive (yin), shining your light out there and letting him be the active one (yang) and come to you

He will or he isn't worth it, and someone else will - after all, boats love lighthouses! Be full of faith, like your name, have faith in yourself and enjoy every second of life. Just see beauty and love in all you see, and you will get it in return. In abundance

 

Loving the analogies on her recently, lighthouses / cups ... its all good! Ha

[CrapAtNC]

I'm doing well. Finally had closer with the ex, ended it on good terms and went NC for life. Now I am getting my life back, pursuing my own hobbies, starting to date again and am just overall OK with it being over.

 

Excellent! I see good things for you just around the corner.

[faithful14]

Faithful - Go out, do your own thing, but when it comes to him, imagine that you are the lighthouse, and he is the boat. Imagine being strong yet fairly passive (yin), shining your light out there and letting him be the active one (yang) and come to you

He will or he isn't worth it, and someone else will - after all, boats love lighthouses! Be full of faith, like your name, have faith in yourself and enjoy every second of life. Just see beauty and love in all you see, and you will get it in return. In abundance

 

Peace and love people x x x x x

 

Loved this Kate! Thank you so much, already feel much better : )

[sfindependent]

so my negative actions are just pushin her away. makin me look pathetic and even more unattractive. replace my thoughts with positive ones... what ifs do not help. the only truth is i respect myself i will be respected back. i need to believe in it. i need to let the waters flow underneath me, not empower me. i need to keep thinking that.

[Janeiac]

That's right, bogswagen. You are getting the idea! Now get off the internet, away from the computer and go do something productive and energizing, like working out, or fixing your car. ANYTHING!

And remember, you are a great guy and this isn't over yet. Don't wallow. Take care of yourself!

[Mrs Popsicle]

so my negative actions are just pushin her away. makin me look pathetic and even more unattractive. replace my thoughts with positive ones... what ifs do not help. the only truth is i respect myself i will be respected back. i need to believe in it. i need to let the waters flow underneath me, not empower me. i need to keep thinking that.

 

Keep repeating this! Respecting yourself is your number one priority-identify what it takes to do this and keep doing it.

Good Luck!

 

Mrs Popsicle

[sfindependent]

thanks all... i realize that shes only hanging with me because of guilt and pity. i of course dont want that for me. i dont deserve that especially the way i treated her. i guess im fixated on the thought that while im at home i can improve her idea of me instead and not reinforce the negative ones (which ive been unhappily doing) i want to take away her feelings of guilt, change her feelings of pity and change it into wonder, appreciation an respect. i KNOW i have to fix myself first before i can fix us but these are the cards im dealt with right now. i live with her. i KNOW ill HAVE to try even harder to swallow my pride while im home, to ACT that im ok. to ACT that ive got no hidden agenda to Act that the reasons for any of my actions are sincere, burden free and appealing; from a man she can respect. a man she can love. ive a better chance of reconciliation if i pull that off.

 

only problems now are... keeping my anxiety and ego in check, improve my aura by emitting positive vibes to her and the people around me, improving my actions towards her and and improving myself by respecting myself and building a man of respect an not of pity. i guess if i can do that no woman can resist me. not even her.

 

i only wish i had a manual on what to do exactly lol...

[RandomNobody]

Bogs, at first you will definitely have to act, but what you really want to do is not "to pull it off" and that's it. Integrate this way of life into your system. Make it your own.

 

Your happiness and confidence must be real. Find strength within yourself.

[sfindependent]

i really believe i shoul go Nc but for thw imw being, i should SHOULD SHOULD! make a positive impression. not a weak one.

 

i meant pull it off - successful with my life. gain peoples respect, regain myself... hopefully she jumps along for the ride but if not, i win still. i made

myself better through this

[RandomNobody]

Well said!

 

But first things first- Get rid of your signature. You can thank me later

[gallop30]

i really believe i shoul go Nc but for thw imw being, i should SHOULD SHOULD! make a positive impression. not a weak one.

 

i meant pull it off - successful with my life. gain peoples respect, regain myself... hopefully she jumps along for the ride but if not, i win still. i made

myself better through this

 

you should go NC, and make a positive impact on yourself not on others. once you get to respect yourself,you will get the deserved respect from others.

 

and don't hope she will jump anywhere,that's the wrong mindset ,let her jump wherever she wants to.

you get your self-worth back, then you'll win,with or without a girl.

[hermano]

you should go NC, and make a positive impact on yourself not on others. once you get to respect yourself,you will get the deserved respect from others.

 

and don't hope she will jump anywhere,that's the wrong mindset ,let her jump wherever she wants to.

you get your self-worth back, then you'll win,with or without a girl.

 

Extremely well said. I second this.

[TomboyMS]

That's excellent advice!

 

Well said!

 

But first things first- Get rid of your signature. You can thank me later

[ClarenceRutherford]

Yeah, you can't really stay friends with the EX's family or best friends. They're always going to side with the EX.

 

After that 30 y.o. virgin dumped me when I was 26, I called her best friend for advice and to get answers.

We talked. She told me I was "lovesick..."

 

Later, this best friend called me and said she had to tell her friend that I had contacted her

when her best friend asked. She had to, after all, be more loyal to her best friend. "Sorry, Fla. Man. She asked and she's my best friend..."

 

Then my former GF calls me. I was excited bec. I wanted her back.

Instead, she chews me out and tells me to never talk to her best friend behind her back again. Well, that was embarassing.

 

 

Good advice.

I foolishly returned to the church singles group where we met, and even attended a leaders meeting on plans for the future that she attended. Of course, I knew she'd be there. Was why I went.

Like another guy there who had dated one of the leaders (who dumped him too), I soon quit going. Didn't make sense to subject myself to seeing her again.

I posted a pic of her and I in my profile...

[bungalo]

i guess im fixated on the thought that while im at home i can improve her idea of me instead and not reinforce the negative ones (which ive been unhappily doing) i want to take away her feelings of guilt, change her feelings of pity and change it into wonder, appreciation an respect.

 

 

sorry Bog you need to re-read this entire thread. this is not nonchalant dude...

[Janeiac]

In my case, regarding X's mom, she and I had our own private friendship. Long ago, like over a year, she and I'd promised to remain friends even if things didn't work out between me and X. She had expressed fear of losing me if he and I ever broke up. I'd confided in her that I wasn't going to wait around forever with X half-living with me but never committing when she asked me if I thought we'd get married. She said she understood. I felt especially hurt by what felt like her letting me down and being very manipulative because *she* contacted *me* I did not intitiate the communication. I'd told her I didn't want any discussion of X with her, that I did not want her involved-- and she turned around and complained that she was being asked to get involved. I always new she had a somewhat manipulative style -- never confronting or asking outright, but making people feel they must do something or other for her. I shrugged it off and accepted this without rancor. I did a lot for her, without prompting. When X called me screaming that I'd harassed her I took it very hard. I said (shouted, I admit) "I've always been really nice to your mom-- and he interrupted, screamin, YOU ONLY *THINK* you have. All of this combined with my own retrospection cast a whole new light on things. CrapatNC is dead on talking about giving too much. I didn't think I was guilty of that because I'm much better than I've been in the past, but apparently I'm still doing it, with the result of getting used. Just because I've done a lot doesn't mean people will actually like me, love me, or be my friend. I feel ashamed.

The good news is that this drives me to seize my self-respect. I've no impulse to contact any of his family, or X. Sure, there is a magical wish that he'll come to me and acknowledge all this, and tell me he was wrong, and he misses me and wants to work things out. I could win the lottery, too. I'm not expecting either.

[RandomNobody]

Janeiac, if you win the lotto within a month's time, do you mind if I chuckle?

 

Regarding common friendships and yadda yadda yadda... My best advice is to completely isolate yourself from ANYTHING "ex" for a while, except in the case of "mutual friends" (FRIENDS ONLY, family? Isolate yourself from it!). In this case, you may do well to stay away from their best friends, but you can remain friends with the more "neutral ones" as long as you make it crystal clear that you have no hard feelings towards your ex, that you need some time and that during this time, you'd rather not talk about him/her or hear anything about them at all.

 

As for ANYTHING else, BURN IT AT THE STAKE. Okay, maybe not so radical... (I did physically destroy everything ex-related. I gave her back all her stuff, I didn't want any of mine back, whatever she didn't take I literally burnt to ashes) But GET RID OF IT one way or another. Put all of it in a box. ALL OF IT. Write down their phone number or whatever other info you may need and then put the paper/notepad inside this box and delete it from your everyday life (phones and all).

 

Then put this box as far away from you as you can. Give it to your very best, absolutely 100% reliable friend or relative, lock it down in your cellar... In your wardrobe or under the bed won't cut it.

 

Then, as you can TRULY breathe free once again, you can begin to walk the nonchalant path. The very first steps are the absolute HARDEST ones. Do NOT trip yourself up. Instead, do yourself a favor. Do all of this in order to give yourself a much needed (and deserved) break.

 

You need it. You need this break. Don't put all of the pressure on yourself thinking you can handle it all from the start and then crumble under it's weight.

[Janeiac]

I appreciate the supportive message. My posts must make it seem that I'm still hanging on-- I'm not. I stripped my home of all X's things immediately, and got them out of here and back to him within a couple of days. Nothing would make me feel wistful, however. More than anything thing else I have frustration at my anger and disappointment going unacknowledged. I haven't contacted any of his family members, and I don't have any desire to do so. We don't have any true mutual friends. There are my friends who were on friendly terms with him and his buddies who have nothing to do with me. He's already deleted and blocked me on Facebook. I've deleted him off everything else. Not that it matters because I know his contact information by memory, but I don't even see the little icon if he's logged on or not because he isn't in any of my contact lists. I'm not tempted regardless, I have nothing to say to him. I'm not pining. It's true, my feelings are hurt, but I'll live. I'm just slogging through the blues and I'll get on fine. And if I win the lottery I will be LMAO!

[askltk]

Can Nonchalance be misconstrued as arrogance..?

 

Hectic couple of days with the Ex:

(Read the last couple of pages...wouldnt want to bore u all with the whole thing! Ha)

 

Basically, daily contact with ex for 3 months. She went out on 1st date with guy this week (which I found out from a friend and she doesnt know), it went badly, and has since asked me out and been really forthcoming with getting in touch since. A few msgs every day has turned into a barrage almost every 15mins (I do reply in the most part).

 

We have a "date" on Tuesday - and I made it clear to her (nonchalantly of course), that it had to be a date. She asked me out of the blue, and i responded "are you asking me out ms X?x? She said it was because she wanted pizza and she owed me still for the help on her uni work. I even said is that a no, in which she brushed up. In the end, it went from Dinner, to dinner and a movie. "making the night of it" apparently.

 

If her date comes up, I'd almost want to say "well I did set the bar high!" or something of that nature. Is that too arrogant? I wasn't really affected by her date, nore was I surprised that she didnt tell me. What did catch me off guard was her attitude since.

 

Thoughts, as ever, greatly appreciated.

[RandomNobody]

Cocky and funny, as David DeAngelo puts it.

 

Just say it with a smile, and if she seems bothered by it, nonchalantly brush it off as "I'm just messin' with ya" or "Just kidding, dear".

[wellokthen]

nevermind. new developments.

[musicmancanada]

Oh my God I range from pathetic nuisance to TOTALLY needy.. ARGH..

 

First, I broke no contact, THEN, I had some decent nonchalant conversations.. THEN, I broke my nonchalance and had a complete and utter melt down of epic proportions on the cell phone today, texting I don't know HOW many dumb things I could possibly say.. *gurrrrr*

 

To say I'm mad at myself is a chronic and long lasting understatement.. which of course has resulted in me being, again, the child having a temper tantrum, on the other end of the phone, with the girl I want, assuming a motherly posture, and completely blowing off everything I have to say, with "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about it"

 

This is probably the worst mistake any of you can make, the worst you can possibly do to make yourself healthy, the worst position anyone can put themselves in, and obviously, the worst thing I could have possibly done, to be counterproductive to recovering from this disaster.

 

Now, I don't have a clue how to pull this titanic off the ocean floor.. but one thing is for sure, if I don't find my nonchalant self, and stop doing and saying stupid things to make her *react* the way I want, I'm going to be back at square one, or worse, and she's going to start carrying around a pacifier.

 

She's already blowing me off like a whiney baby.. and ya know what? I actually deserve it under the circumstances.

 

Now I'm hooped. We're still talking, and she knows I care.. unfortunately, this began with "I'm sorry, I don't feel it"

 

And I've been a mess ever since.. trying too hard, saying too much, and unfortunately, whining my fool head off.

 

I don't have to worry about light contact, she's in a different city from me three hours away so it's phone text or im for us.. there is no way whatsoever for me to get in contact or 'accidentally' run into her.

u

I dunno what the heck to do now. I feel permanently friendzoned, and I need to shake this up. I don't even CARE if I risk losing the friendship at this point, because all she seems content to do is blow me off, get frustrated and tell me I keep repeating myself (*not THIS again*) but, she keeps on coasting along status quo..

 

She's nonchalant. I'm a freakin disaster.

 

I have a serious problem keeping my emotions in check. Yikes! Advice? Help?

[geiss]

I don't have to worry about light contact, she's in a different city from me three hours away so it's phone text or im for us.. there is no way whatsoever for me to get in contact or 'accidentally' run into her.

u

I dunno what the heck to do now. I feel permanently friendzoned, and I need to shake this up. I don't even CARE if I risk losing the friendship at this point, because all she seems content to do is blow me off, get frustrated and tell me I keep repeating myself (*not THIS again*) but, she keeps on coasting along status quo..

 

She's nonchalant. I'm a freakin disaster.

 

I have a serious problem keeping my emotions in check. Yikes! Advice? Help?

Everything in this part is almost exactly like the situation I'm in. I am also in need of advice....

[CrapAtNC]

Do you know the biggest reason we have fire drills or emergency drills? It's to give people the idea that there is a plan to follow, and that in itself saves lives because it prevents people panicking or running up and down the aisles screaming and most likely causing more injuries or deaths. It's not about knowing what to do, but more about keeping emotions in check.

 

With that in mind, my advice is simple: prepare. Go through in your mind what scenarios are likely to occur. Picture how you would usually (destructively) react. Make that image smaller, more blurred, black and white, and then distant, turning to dust as it disappears over the horizon. Clearly envision it.

 

Now picture the scenario again, but this time with you responding nonchalantly; that is, unaffected, upbeat, confident, calm, collected, and sure. Envision your nonchalant response, and again should the scenario escalate (for instance, because your ex tries pushing more buttons). Call your ex on it, in a funny way. Then move on. Imagine this picture getting bigger, brighter, happier, more colourful. Make it fill your whole vision. See it. Believe it. Accept it.

 

Do this again and again, and notice how great it feels when the old you disappears in dust over the horizon, and how much greater it feels again when the new you takes over.

 

Tell yourself that your only goal is emerge from the next scenario totally unaffected. Do this, and you will give your ex something attractive to follow. It works. Get prepared. Know these things will happen, and know how you now react when they do. Nonchalant, funny, unaffected, calm, confident . . . forgiving (because this is where things start to move forward).