Nonchalance is Your Friend

[sfindependent]

thanks Janeiac hahaha. i got hounded for my sig the other day so i finally changed it. Mind you my sig wasnt about my recent break up lol but nevertheless.

 

i keep thinking it's friday night and I know she's going to the bar to see her new "friends" (the bar flies)

 

incidentally, i hated that bar. I told her that i felt that my life was being sucked out of me with the quality of people that go there.

 

she's a grown @$$ woman. she can take care of herself. let her make the wrong decisions. In a way i suppose if i ever have kids, this is good training for me to realize i don't have control over other (adult age) people's lives.

 

I do care and she knows that, so the "caring" part of nonchalance is covered, i suppose.

 

the getting over her part and behaving nonchalantly is the other part. lol

 

She does know I care right?

[ClarenceRutherford]

How petty she's taking your personal improvement personally. That's beyond belief.

 

Imagine she's regreting moving to Calif. and remaining there. You likely remind her of that decision.

Still, it was her decision, just like this other guy's near-divorce thread, Maverick11, where his wife says "...she's not happy" and wants to leave with their child.

I told Mavrick that he didn't FORCE her to marry him. She said yes and made the decision, so it's also on her.

 

I've been to Jville. Nice town with a great riverwalk area.

I live in the bay area further southwest, if you can figure out the major metro. area. Have only lived here 7 years. From the Midwest.

[ClarenceRutherford]

bogswagen

there's a reaction i get from my body just thinking about this as a whole... i cringe, i sigh deeply... ugh (like that) and just wish that we were still together...

On the wishing you were still together, I'm with you man.

That feeling's universal.

This tune is a great heartbreak tune that brings you back to a former love.

 

(yes, that was me that made the only comment on that vid.).

 

"Hey baby, they're playing our song. The one we used to know when we used to get along. Let's get back together, that's where we belong..."

 

Just thought I'd add some levity. A great tune too from the late 60s.

[sfindependent]

On the wishing you were still together, I'm with you man.

That feeling's universal.

This tune is a great heartbreak tune that brings you back to a former love.

 

(yes, that was me that made the only comment on that vid.).

 

"Hey baby, they're playing our song. The one we used to know when we used to get along. Let's get back together, that's where we belong..."

 

Just thought I'd add some levity. A great tune too from the late 60s.

 

 

cool thanks for the hook up. You know, look up "terrible vision" by rhett miller. I used to sing it to her when we drove home and while she was sleeping. I think it's one of the sweetest songs ever.

 

you've got terrible,

vision if you can't see

how i'm in love with you....

 

brings back good memories.

 

B*tch messed it up lol. oh well. onto my next adventure!

[RandomNobody]

Hey guys, just a couple of quickies:

 

First: I believe that it would behoove you guys to listen to empowering songs rather than love songs. Stuff that makes you feel like a complete badass who can take on the world!

 

Watch this and you will want to punch sharks:

 

Second: I reconnected with an old childhood friend of mine after more than 7 years on facebook, by complete accident. Funny that she was the class' "pretty girl" and back then I was nothing short of a social reject...

 

So we were talking for a couple of weeks, and while I really never meant to do this, I practiced some "cocky and funny, nonchalant attitude" on her.

 

She fell head over heels for me. Literally. In just a couple of weeks. She won't stop openly hitting on me (keeps remarking how handsome I am, how nice, attentive and caring I am... Funny, I am kind of the exact opposite! How "funny" I am...) and even wants to hang out next week.

 

Now, I really don't mean to brag, guys, but I think that this is a prime example of nonchalance (just nonchalance, zero pursuing) will make you quite the attractive catch, even if you think it won't or that it'll come accross as rude or jerky. So keep on keepin' on!

[sfindependent]

you know Ruku, that approach is a great tool to have in your arsenal when it comes to women. I didnt realize i did it before until a friend of mine pointed it out.

 

good for you, man. Keep it up.

[professorplum]

I assume when you say attitude Ruku, you mean its not so much what you say but how you say it and how you carry yourself during the process? This is something I have never really got to grips with. Do you have an example?

[sfindependent]

its basically confidence with no fear of rejection as a consequence of your actions towards women.

[RandomNobody]

That was impressively to the point, bogswagen. I can sense a rather nice vibe coming from you already. Keep it up, that was an excellent description.

[sfindependent]

lol. My personality is very very open. i'm not the hottest banana in the bunch but my friend told me i had "natural game". I think i said it once here, that women will buy me drinks at the bar all the time. Good looking women. Men, straight men too. My now (sniff sniff) ex hated the fact i got more drinks at the bar than she did. Seriously, she cried about it. But that's my personality. That definition is how i live my life with women. I should've used it more on the ex. Maybe when i'm a bit over her and the idea she can be seeing other men, then i'll throw that ol' me back in the scene. not right now when the emotions are still raw.

 

I'm not really this depressed, or whiney in real life. I'm just hurt. my ego is hurt...

[RandomNobody]

Bro, I'm so glad to hear ya... I was just like you were. Until I fell in love.

 

The upside is: Neither you nor I had a freaking clue what would happen. I had never fallen in "true love" before. I'll make the educated guess that you never did, either. Now, after having been through the storm once... I believe the second time around (if any at all. For instance, I don't even know if i'll end up with this girl or maybe the other one I mentioned a week or so back, I have choices once again!) is much easier 'cause you actually have a clue what's happening, why it's happening and what you gotta do.

 

Getting a wake up call such as this kind of break-up is a blessing indeed. Looking back now, I wouldn't change it for anything.

[sfindependent]

i know, man. In the back of my head, i know the relationship we were having was not good for us. We were drinking too much, we barely had sex, the sex we had she literally just laid there or pushed me aaway out of "uncomfortable-ness". It was over for her.

 

I did have one very bad one ex gf experience (not with this latest one). I went into literally insane ex BF mode. I went into deep depression, stalking her, eeeeek. gfakfhgkf

 

so i told myself never again. I remember telling Michelle this before I decided to fully commit to her. I said "do not break my heart."

 

As soon as she said that she didn't want to be with me anymore, the old feelings came back. even now you can tell from my frantic posting and the rants that it contains sooo much anxiety and fear of letting go. But i've learned my lesson. I learned to post here instead. I learned NOT to beg. ( as i said, i did try a bit of convincing and rationalizing but at the same time i was moving out and detaching)...

 

I'm on NC now and have the usual doubts experienced during initial NC... is she going to miss me? is she going to find another man? has she found another man? will she ever open up to me again? I don't know...NC is the path to where i would be who i was again. a cocky m*therf*cker who could bag women, no problem.

 

Then we'll see if i'm still in the mood to reconnect with her again.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Bro, I'm so glad to hear ya... I was just like you were. Until I fell in love.

 

The upside is: Neither you nor I had a freaking clue what would happen. I had never fallen in "true love" before. I'll make the educated guess that you never did, either. Now, after having been through the storm once... I believe the second time around (if any at all. For instance, I don't even know if i'll end up with this girl or maybe the other one I mentioned a week or so back, I have choices once again!) is much easier 'cause you actually have a clue what's happening, why it's happening and what you gotta do.

 

Getting a wake up call such as this kind of break-up is a blessing indeed. Looking back now, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I too didn't see any of this coming and hadn't ever fallen in love before.

 

I know I was much wiser in my successive relationships, Two were fairly casual and I broke one off bec. couldn't see a future with her and we weren't really that alike.

 

A 1-2 yr. relationship, I was a little hurt when it ended-- but I wasn't torn-up about it and didn't cry my head off or do odd things like I had with the earlier blow.

 

Another relationship that ended, nah... a little disappointed but we weren't that close anyway. No big loss.

 

During my third major relationship after that devastation at 26, I tried to be nonchalant and not let things get to me.

EDITED.... If this happened:

So she's not interested. No biggie. I'll move on. There are other women out there. I've got a lot of good things about me. I'll find one that recognizes that.

 

We intensifed our interest in each other and within three months expressed that love sexually and though marriage later.

[RandomNobody]

I'm in the exact same boat. Just a couple of steps ahead is all, and even I have some doubts ocassionally. It'll be a month in Sunday...

 

My rule of thumb is: Whenever I can spend a few weeks not feeling "the doubts" (y'know what I mean, that thingy on your stomach...), then I may CONSIDER whether I want to contact her or not.

 

Any earlier than that, I have strictly forbidden myself to do so and still holding strong. At least I'm in a position far enough into it that now I know I won't go berserk one day and start stalking her or begging... The "ocassional feeling" is ever so subtle, no more than a very light, easily brushed off nuisance.

 

We'll see for how long this light nuisance lasts.

[sfindependent]

During my third major relationship after that devastation at 26, I tried to be nonchalant and not let things get to me.

 

So she's not interested. No biggie. I'll move on. There are other women out there. I've got a lot of good things about me. I'll find one that recognizes that.

 

We intensifed our interest in each other and within three months expressed that love sexually and though marriage later.

Did you go on NC?

 

I suppose that i'm doubting my thoughts on NC. In my straight mind, I KNOW not talking for a while is the best thing for me. As I said, i've got a lot more loose ends to tighten with her (medical insurance, car in the garage, personal belongings) so i'm sure i'll be seeing her again. I dont think i need to tell her I moved out because she dumped me or because she liked this other guy from the bar...it's a simple fact. you and i aren't together, why should i be here at home with you?

 

I am slightly confused as to why she seemed upset and was kind of acting bitter that i left the house without her being there. She called me "shady".

 

She never asked me to leave the apartment we lived in, at one point i asked her, so what do we do now? her response was "ttake it day by day"... i didn't want to sit there and take a reaming "day by day" from being hurt whenever she went out or if i came home late. I'll forever wonder if she's seeing someone secretly behind my back (i doubt she will do that but hell) if i dont take the time away before i go nonchalant on her.

[ClarenceRutherford]

During my third major relationship after that devastation at 26, I tried to be nonchalant and not let things get to me.

So she's not interested. No biggie. I'll move on. There are other women out there. I've got a lot of good things about me. I'll find one that recognizes that.

We intensifed our interest in each other and within three months expressed that love sexually and though marriage later.

Did you go on NC?

On the first one I cited, I pretty much did NC, but wasn't aware I was doing it. Just tried to keep away from her and not let it get to me like the other killer one did.

The other, I wasn't as heavily invested in, so no biggie.

 

My last relationship (the one that led to marriage), I didn't have to go no-contact or really be nonchalant.

I let it grow and see where it goes.

 

Should have phrased it this way:

So she's not interested. No biggie. I'll move on. There are other women out there. I've got a lot of good things about me. I'll find one that recognizes that.

 

We intensifed our interest in each other and within three months expressed that love sexually and though marriage later.

 

If she didn't seem interested, I was prepared to not take it personally. I'd been rejected before so kinda knew it would eventually come.

Like Rukumouru says, you gotta know what to expect and be prepared for the worst, which I hadn't been earlier.

[sfindependent]

I'm in the exact same boat. Just a couple of steps ahead is all, and even I have some doubts ocassionally. It'll be a month in Sunday...

 

My rule of thumb is: Whenever I can spend a few weeks not feeling "the doubts" (y'know what I mean, that thingy on your stomach...), then I may CONSIDER whether I want to contact her or not.

 

Any earlier than that, I have strictly forbidden myself to do so and still holding strong. At least I'm in a position far enough into it that now I know I won't go berserk one day and start stalking her or begging... The "ocassional feeling" is ever so subtle, no more than a very light, easily brushed off nuisance.

 

We'll see for how long this light nuisance lasts.

 

i'm with u ruku. I really am just floored by how difficult NC is. It's kind of like "relearning" life again without her. In someways its something like an adventure again, it's exciting! who are you going to meet? How will they be in bed? will it be the one??

 

But then you're hounded by these thoughts... was my last ex the one? if only i couldve done this.. or that... or this... if it's in your right mind to think that you did the best or at least attempted to be a good loving romantic bf, then i am inclined to think that you did not lose anything to this person who left you. they were afraid they didn't deserve to receive the love you honestly wanted to give.

[CrapAtNC]

It's great seeing everyone's healthy attitudes coming to the fore on this thread.

[RandomNobody]

I still have to thank you for your support, Crap

 

And bogs, your last ex may very well have been the one, but if after a new experience or two, you still feel this, heck, hunt them down! With a truly nonchalant attitude, there's nothing to lose anyways

[sfindependent]

exactly. just need to get over this hump.

[CrapAtNC]

"exactly. just need to get over this hump." INCORRECT

 

"Exactly. And I'm getting over this hump now too!" CORRECT

[sfindependent]

thanks crap... ive my own adventures to live... day.by.day.

[Janeiac]

bogswagen, San Francisco by the park sounds fantastic. You obviously have a lot going for you. I know it's hard, but it really does help to count one's own blessings. It may seem corny but really, if we can muster up a sense of gratitude for whatever good is in our lives, it can bring perspective. There is so much horror and sadness in the world-- war, disease, famine-- but we have it pretty good. It's not that other people's misery makes me feel better-- it does not-- but it sure does show me how fortunate I am in many ways.

Yeah, it sucks to get rejected, but far worse things can happen, and in the end we are better off than being stuck with someone who brings us sadness. Turn it around into an opportunity to get happy. We don't need our exes, or anyone else, for that.

[sfindependent]

yeah its pretty rad here. its 70 degrees here with no wind. its

gorgeous. she didnt like to go to the city on a gorgeous day like this because it

was "too far" from our house

[Janeiac]

Great, Bogswagen, rub it in! Here in Boston we're buried with yards of snow with more on the way. Tell me again what sucks so much about your place? hehhe.