Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

For sure, that's the best route for you. See you later!

[Starrgrl]

So I AM 10000% sure my ex will contact me in the future (I'm the dumper, was forced to dump cos was compulsively lied and cheated on. Have blocked him on everything (bc he kept msging me) but am unable to block him on phone) so was wondering will these responses do? I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. He doesn't deserve anything.

 

If he calls me and I happen to pick up (anon call for example) can I say, 'why are you calling me?

 

him: bla bla bla

 

Me: K. I have nothing to say to you so please don't ever contact me again.

 

And if he goes (cos he loves to manipulate and guilt trip) : you never loved me

 

I plan to say: Think what you want, it doesn't concern me.

And if he somehow keeps on talking, I plan to cut him off and go 'are you done? I got to go, someone's waiting in the car.'

 

 

Do they sound indifferent enough? Cos see, the thing is I'm basically over him BUT he's very quick with words and if I'm caught off guard I don't want him to twist my words around or whatever.

 

 

Some advice pleasee =)

[Starrgrl]

I want to make it clear I have moved on and don't want to talk to him ever again.

I don't feel any hatred or anything towards him, and I want to show I just don't care.

 

If I do get a bf in the future, I don't plan on rubbing it in his face, but what do you guys think? Should I actually say 'are you done? I got to go, boyfriend's waiting in the car' and then just turn off my phone for the next few hours.

[Starrgrl]

so some advice please =) oh and would you rather I just hang up the phone and say nothing if I do happen to accidently pick up a call from him? I ignored his calls awhile back, and never replied any of his msgs or emails. But I know the calling will start again later on. =/

[RandomNobody]

Wrong thread, Stargrrl.

 

If the objective you pursue is to never hear from him again because you're hurt and/or pissed, well, that's not a very nonchalant objective, is it?

 

My best advice for your situation would be either starting your own thread or looking for another one about dealing with exes when you want to cut off all contact with them and they won't let you.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Starrgrl]

lol.

 

I thought I was in the right thread. Cos nonchalance DID pertain to you know... indifference primarily. Cos that's what the word actually means.

 

but lol thanks nyways

[RandomNobody]

And to you, not wanting to talk to him EVER again is to pursue nonchalance?

 

I believe that to be able to live with his presence and actually SHOWING the man that you can smile and go about your business still will work wonders for your "I want him to stop pressing me" scenario.

 

Wanting to completely eliminate him from your life doesn't really seem like an "I don't care" attitude. More like an "I care negatively" attitude.

 

The point of my previous post is: If what you want is feedback on how to pursue the path that will make you a happier, independent, more confident individual who simply brushes off any negativity, then this is your thread.

 

If what you want is advice on how to get accross the message that you never, EVER wish to see or hear from him again just because you can't stand him, I don't really think this is the place. Feel free to make a new thread about it! People at eNA are always willing to help

 

There is a catch, though: Have you considered the possibility that perhaps, what you REALLY need, is "some time" instead of "ALL ETERNITY"?

 

Here's what I propose: Politely let him know that you just feel like contact so soon is a little rash, and that you would appreciate it a lot if he would be so kind as to allow you a little bit of space for a while. Then, use this space to pursue the path of nonchalance while, at the same time, this guy takes a chill pill and calms down a little bit. Then perhaps in the future you reconnect, but you are now nonchalant. Nothing he can do will make you focus on negativity: You're now a permanently upbeat woman! Congratulations!

 

I don't think he will turn down your request for some space if you ask nicely

[CrapAtNC]

Starrgrl, saying "I'm really angry!" or "I want nothing to do with you!" is not nonchalance; you should aim to be less affected by these things, by him, by anyone or anything. Don't react. Now THAT's nonchalance. ;-)

[Starrgrl]

Nah I just think he doesn't deserve to be in my life.

He only brings negativity and weighs me down, and I don't respect him as a person at all, so no, why should i WANT him in my life? He's just a burden.

 

I'm happy keeping away, but I know that eventually he's gonna be like 'oh no, I seemed to have lost control of her' and will try to get under my skin again.

I just wanna show him I'm over his games and I want him to leave me alone haha.

 

Oh and my ex treated me like absolute crap. Being friends would be way too nice. He would take advantage of it and loveee that he has that hold over me.

[sfindependent]

i'm not sure if you saw how my progress was doing but in the interest of shortening my post, here's the bulletpoints

 

- quit smoking cigarettes and changed my diet and outlook - she's upset with it

- moved out three weeks after BU

- talked to her a few days later, she said she was over it.. and me

- changed fb status - she was upset with it

- talked to her today, I said i needed space to move on from the relationship

 

funny thing is that she did see my nonchallance. She made a remark right before i went NC "i thought you moved on". I told her i havent fully and need a few days to move on and find myself. Of course i'll try to do more than a few days, maybe a fwe weeks or even months. But despite me feeling like crap for losing her, i feel like before i can do nonchallance, i need to do NC first. move on first. i just need to really get over her first.

[CrapAtNC]

Yep, and that's the true value of NC; it really gives you the space you need to work on getting yourself back. Nonchalance isn't easy until you've had time to catch your breath and regain your composure.

[Janeiac]

I think it's pretty hard for most of us here to be nonchalant and composed in the face of deep emotion. It's great to get a handle on it, but isn't what we really want not to have to?

[CrapAtNC]

OK, I read that second sentence three times and still don't understand it. Is it Klingon?

[CrapAtNC]

Oh, wait! I got it! Ha-ha!

 

You're asking if most of us want to have deep emotions? I think we do. And there's no reason why they can't go hand in hand with constructive, positive behaviours.

[Janeiac]

No argument, CrapatNC.

That would be ideal

[Janeiac]

By the way,

what's a nonchalant-- positive and healthy-- way to deal with someone who cheats and lies about it?

Me, I told him to get out, and went NC. He briefly (one day) said he wanted to rescue our relationship, but then went running off again when the other woman got in touch. Circumstances suggest that was the day she officially separated from her husband, so he then turned it around and told me HE was ending it with ME. I suspect it was so he could have a chance with her, even though he denies it, because I'd told him the terms of us reconciling were that he stop contact with her. I'd told him that as we approached the breakup. He was trying to keep both her and me in his life.

Only hanging out in the "Getting back together" category because these are the best threads!

OK, I confess I'd love to see him crawling back and apologizing, but really I can't fathom how to deal with it other than "goodbye."

[CrapAtNC]

Telling him to get out is much more powerful if done without the expected emotion: a strong, calm, simple, brief "You have to go" completely turns around any perceived balance of power, putting the 'victim' firmly and fairly in control, which is where he or she deserves to be.

 

Then move on with your life. Accept the horrible feelings that accompany any break-up but refuse to be governed by them or seen to be affected by them.

 

You really have nothing to lose, after all; there's no way in the world it should be anything other than him running back to you begging you to take him back. You deserve nothing less, and neither does he. So change focus. Stop wanting him to come begging and instead start moving towards a better you; then see what happens.

[Janeiac]

The only thing I have to lose is a bad relationship

Thanks for reinforcing what I'm doing. I actually have been much calmer with him and other people than I apparently seem on here.

I did tell him calmly, we're done. I did calmly gather his things when he called me to see if I wanted him to take my dog out for excercise. (Really? Huh?). I calmly told him the puppy didn't need to go out at that time, and calmly asked him if he wanted to pick up his stuff, and calmly helped him carry it to his car. I calmly said goodbye.

None of it seems to have any impact on him, but I'm not really thinking about that. I'm taking care of myself. Avoiding drama is part of me taking care of myself, not thinking about what it effect it may or may not have on him.

Even writing this on here is more thought than I've given to him otherwise.

I'm skeptical that he would ever come back or apologize. I believe this episode of cheating was his way of ending things, because he was done with me for reasons of his own. There was no prior history of this type of thing, with me, but he'd done it to previous girlfriends, so I think that's just his way of passively-aggessively breaking up. But that doesn't matter. I'm getting along just fine on my own.

Still, I can't help but think it might be interesting if things do go the way you suggest even though I really do not want a known cheater and proven liar as my boyfriend.

[here4u]

Wow, I think this is the best post I've readd here so far. It's very positive and uplifting, and I hope a lot of people read it. You can help a lot of people here with your philosophy and techniques. I know some of these skills myself, I just refer to them in different terms such as "standing within my power" "accepting a person or situation and making a decision to feel better about them" "Not allowing people to 'hook' me into their story or drama." Each one would require a long explanation, but these are all powerful life skills that go along the same lines of what you're saying. They've helped me keep my job, husband, family and friends and to get more out of life. "Nonchalance is your friend" Truer words were never said.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[sfindependent]

Ugh, yes. I was hoping since we were living together at that time that I can do nonchalance, but i didn't want to be friendzoned. We were hanging out like friends. No intimacy whatsoever and i didnt like that.within a week, I Found a place in SF and I moved out, record time i must say. I know she's hurting right now but i cannot be a chump who cannot stick to his own convictions.

 

Despite me loving her as much as I do... i will need space before i can be nonchalant. If she starts dating while i'm in the current state i'm in, i'll be crushed.

[MakeItCount]

Ugh, yes. I was hoping since we were living together at that time that I can do nonchalance, but i didn't want to be friendzoned. We were hanging out like friends. No intimacy whatsoever and i didnt like that.within a week, I Found a place in SF and I moved out, record time i must say. I know she's hurting right now but i cannot be a chump who cannot stick to his own convictions.

 

Despite me loving her as much as I do... i will need space before i can be nonchalant. If she starts dating while i'm in the current state i'm in, i'll be crushed.

 

Yep, it will suck. But, you'll be fine. I'm fine, so will you. Everything is fine. You will wake up, you will suck, and you'll realize you're alive and kickin'. Not much more you can ask for.

[sfindependent]

Yep, it will suck. But, you'll be fine. I'm fine, so will you. Everything is fine. You will wake up, you will suck, and you'll realize you're alive and kickin'. Not much more you can ask for.

 

wake up in the beautiful city of SF! a block away from the golden gate park. literally.

i've been in really bad breakups and i promised myself i wont act the way i did before and just do the positive changes i need to make in order to have a better chance of not losing my dignity even moreso, have a better chance at reconciliation. My last ex i pleaded, begged, stalked, ugh everything. till this day i cringe at the thought of what i did. This is a complete turnaround from how i reacted before.

 

when iin a better mood, i'd think my new place a perfect setting for a kate hudson/hugh grant movie. lol

[ClarenceRutherford]

i've been in really bad breakups and i promised myself i wont act the way i did before and just do the positive changes i need to make in order to have a better chance of not losing my dignity even moreso, have a better chance at reconciliation. My last ex i pleaded, begged, stalked, ugh everything. till this day i cringe at the thought of what i did. This is a complete turnaround from how i reacted before.

Bogs,

I could have written that post, as I did just what you did, including slight stalking.:sad:

 

i'm not sure if you saw how my progress was doing but in the interest of shortening my post, here's the bulletpoints

 

- quit smoking cigarettes and changed my diet and outlook - she's upset with it

Quitting smoking and changing your diet, those sound like good things.

If I may ask, why was she upset about that?

[sfindependent]

because she asked me to do it so many times during the time we were together. she wanted me to stop because of her... she wanted me to do the good things for her. i guess now that i'm doing it for me (and i told her for my next relationship) she's taking it as an offense to her that it could've saved our relationship. My thing is, is that if she communicated clearly and reinforced that (i told her i needed prodding and just reminding of the things she wanted me to NOT forget to do, i was honest i was forgetful) an tried to work with me to find solutions then we wouldn't be in this mess.

 

we broke up once and i asked her what we can do to "fix things" when we got back together, she replied "i don't know" she even laughed and declined my suggestions of taking walks down the beach (we have a beach down the road).

 

there's a reaction i get from my body just thinking about this as a whole... i cringe, i sigh deeply... ugh (like that) and just wish that we were still together...

 

btw Floridaman, she's from Jacksonville and flew out here for school. quit school and decided to stay for me. she doesn't have anything here excpet me.

[Janeiac]

I love "Feel the force, don't force the feel." LOVE IT!