Nonchalance is Your Friend

[TomboyMS]

The Friend Zone is a much more desirable zone than most folks realize... Read "Ex2 System" by Matt Huston to see what I mean. "The idea is to come off under her radar as a platonic friend, so that she lets her guard down and can rationalize that this is all you are... But at the same time, displaying the traits of an attractive man".

 

 

That sounds REALLY difficult especially since there are still hard feelings. I hope you can do it. Good luck and keep us posted.

[askltk]

 

 

The Friend Zone is a much more desirable zone than most folks realize... Read "Ex2 System" by Matt Huston to see what I mean. "The idea is to come off under her radar as a platonic friend, so that she lets her guard down and can rationalize that this is all you are... But at the same time, displaying the traits of an attractive man".

 

I'd love to see some truth in this - having now resided to the fact that the Friendzone is my current home for the time being. She lets her guard down constantly, as I'm the only one she really talks to (except stuff about our relationship) so I'm her crutch still. At the same time, my own confidence is improving, gym work is paying off and I'm starting to feel like myself again.

 

It does still seem quite difficult still.....

[RandomNobody]

Your proof is that when my ex was on the rebound, I provided a very friend-zone-like sounding board to her... ALBEIT NONCHALANT AND STRONG. And, in three weeks, she wanted to get back with me... I screwed up my chance, however, and here I am.

 

I can do it all over again, this time with a little more patience and a much, much more authentic nonchalance by my part.

 

First, comfort, then, once a deep connection and friendly rapport have been established, start the playful teasing and gradually amp up the kino while remaining emotionally stable and perfectly nonchalant. That's your path to success.

 

So, my friend, truly work on your nonchalance and confidence, never look down on yourself. You are the best and you know it: Nothing is ever wrong... No matter how wrong it may actually be!

 

Combine this happy attitude with some flirting/teasing and kinesthetics. Yet again I recommend purchasing Matt Huston's Ex2 System, simply because it provides marvelous advice for attraction step by step, recommendations on how to be nonchalant (this comes in the included "Train Your Girlfriend" book) and an overall very in-depth guide.

 

You may have heard that the system relies on dirty psychological mind tricks, and it may very well sound like a ton of mysoginistic bull * * * * to you. I give you my personal word: it is not. It actually relies on quite sensitive methods, such as shoving yourself into the friend zone!

 

However I warn you: The system is dedicated exclusively to men and I have no idea how good or bad Matt Huston's systems for women may work.

[askltk]

Interesting thoughts Ruku

 

Well for starters - I'm a guy, so that's at least one box ticked! Ha

 

I can say with some confidence that I'm already there for comfort - we talk alot about issues we both have with family (this was only last Friday) and know that we'd pretty much be there for one another. I do "tease" her as you put it - but I always end up complimenting her in the end! Ha

 

This has gone on for a while now with little positive response...hence my questioning. Hope it does come good.

[RandomNobody]

If you already have a good friendly rapport going, you should amp up the kino (touch her often, for instance leading her through doors or touching her arm or hand when making a point) and tease her a little harder: Don't end up complimenting!

 

Eventually, you'll get further and further with the kino: Tickle fights! Tickle fights are awesome! If you can get her into a tickle fight (not right now, though, even if you can, make a determination to amp up the kino PROGRESSIVELY) then, during the fight, get on top, then suddenly stop. Look into her eyes and kiss her.

[ClarenceRutherford]

What's kino? Not familiar with the word.

[RandomNobody]

Kinesthetics, my friend. Touch. Touch her hand or her arms when making a point, lead her through doors or accross the street with your arm, hug her/kiss her on the cheek when saying hello or good bye (when doing this, after a while, hold her a little bit tighter and for a little bit longer than you would with any friend), tickle. Tickle fights are awesome!

 

The key is to progressively amp up the kino.

[sfindependent]

I think although that is a great way of upping attraction, i think some (this is going to sound so hypocritical of me since i've not maintained NC at all, only NC) NC and healing your self is vital before embarking on a good path to possible pain. By the this i think you'll be better by handling uncomfortable situations that you'll definitely be placed in.

[RandomNobody]

I couldn't agree more with you. I needed 30 days of NC before I could cope well with this situation.

 

After 30 days of working day after day on my nonchalance, none of the hits i've taken so far have done as much as dent my confidence. S'all good!

 

I may have lost plenty of rapport and trust with her, but I needed this confidence. It is quintessential to success. Do not desperately act in a hurry.

[sfindependent]

I know, Real.

 

I set myself up for that one. Harsh words, its painful to read, especially coming from you, i just squirmed from discomfort.true words tho. man, i appreciate you sharing your painful experience. In a way, i do understand that despite my problems, someone somewhere is hurting from an even more painful experience. not to discount what my experiences are and not to be an @ss, but sure is nice to know someone else has it more difficult than me. Makes mine easier to deal with in a way.

 

I woke up today and started work early. I'm One good thing is that today, I've started to pick up back at work. Meeting them girls last night, getting a really flirty message from another HB9 is making me feel a bit better. I made a list of changes i need to make (including NC) with my life, overall. I suppose i need to be prepared for the rapist tomorrow.

 

I'm looking forward to this dental thing. Today is the first day. I'll be coming in to have my teef deep cleaned (OUCH) and the second part on thursday.

 

Working yesterday was a drag, but i found it therapeutic and significant to box her stuff on Valentines day after work. After chatting with her (ugh, i am very aware of how stupid that was) i decided to forego the gym and treat myself to a nice dinner.

 

Going back to the HB9 (she's not the mexican girl i got the number from last night, hehe), she's an old friend who's always been someone I have good conversations with. Frankly coz she's been taking her master's in psychology and we're both in the mental health industry. It also kinda helps we've drunkenly made out once in my car a LOOOONG time ago. I mean, she is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. She's 5'8 bout 125lbs, full blooded Russian, grey eyes, perfect teeth. as far as i know she's single. I messaged her the other day that i live around her area now and her reply was:

 

"ohhhh, you're right by my favorite store- have u ever heard of ____? i'm not sure when i'll get the chance to hang out- grad school is so busy. but we should definitely hang soon with everyone (except for ___ and all of them, lol)"

 

"with everyone except all of them"?

 

Sounds like she wants us to hang by ourselves. I am grinning from ear to ear. Damn, that woman is gorgeous.

 

 

dammit, posted on the wrong thread.

 

MOD how can I delete this reply?

[RandomNobody]

Well, well, what have we here?

 

She started sending me pics of herself and "the kids" (that's how she calls the plushies, I'm their papa), talking about her Super Dollfies and the clothes she's gonna buy for 'em, and then she wanted to show me her new haircut via videocall... Only I was already having a videocall with a pretty girl from next city that is hitting on me like crazy. So she asks me why the MSN videocall invite won't work and I tell her it's because I'm having a videocall with another girl.

 

She goes: Oh, isn't that the one who is supposedly hitting on you?

Me: Yeah, sorry, this is probably gonna take really long.

Her: I don't care. You go ahead and take your chance with her.

 

Then she keeps generally being an ass (and me ignoring her negativity completely) for the rest of the afternoon, until my MSN crashes.

 

Me: Wow, there I go. So, take your chance! Show me your new hairstyle.

Her: No, you're better off flirting with that other girl.

Me: She isn't asking for another videocall.

Her: I don't care.

 

She goes on like this (Again, me ignoring her negativity). Before dinner, she finally calms down and shows me her new hairstyle. All is quite fine. However, later in the afternoon she's depressed. I ask what's wrong and she says she's crying for no reason and her life sucks. I tell her she shouldn't say that, and that if she needs to talk, she's more than free to call me and tell me about it. We haven't talked on the phone ever since she last wanted to get together.

 

Her: No, I really shouldn't... I have an english exam tomorrow, and if I do call you... I'll probably be on the phone for at least two hours.

 

Wow. That's a big statement to make for someone who has been avoiding me like the plague until a few days ago.

 

So, in the end, I mention that I have to go sleep, but that if she really feels she needs to, she's free to call my cell. After all, I am sick and probably won't attend college tomorrow.

 

Her: Ok... Thank you very much, Ruku (cat face for the uninitiated) Kisses!

 

Been forever since she's signed off with a cat face... Or kisses... And she's been calling me by my real name ever since we broke up... (Ruku/Rukumouru is just a pseudonym).

 

I think we're onto something here. Signing off like that and the jealousy outburst sound like I just gotta follow the plan and tug on her feelings a little when she's comfortable.

 

P.D: Also, I feel great. I feel happy. I have always felt like this. Sometimes I may feel like crying. Sometimes I may feel like I'm stuck. But ever since I took my break, ever since I gave myself some time, did some soul searching and took up strong spiritual values to uphold (ninjutsu related, which incidentally are just like nonchalance... To be able to withstand any negativity and just brush it off unaffected. Hundreds of years of japanese wisdom at your service, Crap!), I have been "Happy, regardless".

 

There's plenty of bullsh*t in my life right now. But hey, i'd say that the very few positives there are far outweigh the positives.

 

Damn, the leaked Crysis 2 PC Beta is so incredible... Electronic Arts (the publisher, quite money-hungry big corporation) blamed PC piracy for their own blunder (after all, debugging versions do not leak themselves from INSIDE THE COMPANIES), yet Crytek (the developers, heart and soul of PC gaming) came out in our defense and said they were confident we would treat it as a demo and buy the real game regardless. They also said they're releasing an official demo anyways. This may sound pretty irrelevant, but working at Crytek is the ultimate goal of my life. Truly unique developers, work their asses off to produce the absolute best games in every imaginable aspect. No one does that anymore. It's good to be reassured that even if they develop multiplatform games now, they're still PC developers at heart, now and forever.

[TomboyMS]

Sounds like you are doing well with your ex. Hope you feel better soon.

[Deepfork]

Deepfork, I wasn't aware of your situation so I looked up a couple of your earlier threads. I hope you do get back with her, but I'm sure you've considered how getting involved with a woman who just got divorced may not be a good idea.

"Rebound" relationships, I have read, rarely work.

 

I know now.

[bungalo]

Originally Posted by FloridaMan

Deepfork, I wasn't aware of your situation so I looked up a couple of your earlier threads. I hope you do get back with her, but I'm sure you've considered how getting involved with a woman who just got divorced may not be a good idea.

"Rebound" relationships, I have read, rarely work.

I can vouch for this...recent experience with just this situation..less than a year out of a long long marriage..she is nutter butters...but Hey I learned a new song with an F#dim7 chord in it. Who needs a girl...when you've got a guitar!

[RandomNobody]

My situation must certainly be one of the worst to be in. To love your ex so dearly, yet be her shoulder to cry on when she's trying to conquer the heart of someone else!

 

All is good, though. I'm perfectly fine. You chaps know what? I'm probably sleeping over at some pretty girl's on saturday... It's definitely gonna be interesting

 

Let's see what the future brings.

[Deepfork]

Originally Posted by FloridaMan

Deepfork, I wasn't aware of your situation so I looked up a couple of your earlier threads. I hope you do get back with her, but I'm sure you've considered how getting involved with a woman who just got divorced may not be a good idea.

"Rebound" relationships, I have read, rarely work.

I can vouch for this...recent experience with just this situation..less than a year out of a long long marriage..she is nutter butters...but Hey I learned a new song with an F#dim7 chord in it. Who needs a girl...when you've got a guitar!

 

LOL Being that I was a professional songwriter for 8 years, I have a guitar too, and a new reason to write.

[CrapAtNC]

Now that's one benefit of breaking up that I think most people hadn't considered. There must be countless favourite songs of ours that would never have been written had the songwriter not had a relationship end.

[askltk]

My situation must certainly be one of the worst to be in. To love your ex so dearly, yet be her shoulder to cry on when she's trying to conquer the heart of someone else!

 

All is good, though. I'm perfectly fine. You chaps know what? I'm probably sleeping over at some pretty girl's on saturday... It's definitely gonna be interesting

 

Let's see what the future brings.

 

With you on that one, Im in a similar situation. (minus the conquering of someone else's heart - She "may"have been on a date but I'm not dwelling on it - its pointless Ha!) I wouldn't say I love my ex, I care for her more than I should- but she isn't the same person I feel in love with.

 

But I'm with you, I'm doing perfectly fine without her, filling my days with excessive work, gym and nights out. I even took the plunge and asked someone out (only to be politely turned down) - which is why nonchalance and Crap's advice has worked wonders - I wasnt at all bothered by it! Sure it would have been good to get back out there, but nothing ventured nothing gained! Ha

[sfindependent]

yeah, I don't know if my ex is trying to play games or assume that we can be friends or trying to erach out to me and i really don't know what to do. i gchatted with her on vday for a bit then didn't talk for a day, then she posted something on my fb wall saying "saw a porsche with a roof rack today". i havent responded yet, and i'm not sure if i should. Ive been feeling a bit better about my confidence in myself and have found myself focusing a lot more at work.

 

last i talked to her, like really talked. I told her i'd want us to be friends she said "that's BS, from the get go, you said you didn't want. either not friends or dating. two options" i said "ive been thinking about it and i want to be friends yes, but i want something meaningful out of it. i care about you a lot but if being friends will make what we had fix things then im willing to do it." she said "its better if we don't talk for a while" so i went stopped talking to her except for vday when we chatted after i greeted her happy vday.

 

I'm not sure how to approach this...

 

comfort by talking to her? NC? i'm already seeing a therapist to sort myself out and i think if i give it a week, i can fully detach myself and figure things out.

 

i'll see what happens. sigh, oh exes... why must you all be crazy?why must you all drive US crazy?

[Janeiac]

I'm having a hard time feeling nonchalant today. I haven't been foolish enough to actually try to get in touch with my ex, but I did foolishly look at some Facebook stuff. It made me very sad but I'm not sure looking at it provoked these feelings, I think I was already starting to miss him as my anger dissapated.

Nonchalance is good, and I'm on board knowing that I don't *need* him and that I won't die without him, but I did love him a lot and had reason to hope we'd get married. Now I feel so lonely, and it's not that I want him back (not without a lot of changes that I can't see him ever making).

Nonchalance FAIL. I feel very hurt over this rejection and realizing that he didn't love me very much. I'm just not letting him see it.

I know I will feel better in the future, but I can't even fake it right now.

[KateUK]

Hey you... its ok to drop out of character every once in a while. Its ok to let yourself feel. It can be hard trying to stay 'UP' all the time! Just let yourself feel the feelings, acknowledge and accept them, and love yourself through it. As long as you focus on the feelings and not on thinking, you will be ok and soon come out the other side... The worse thing I used to do was to play the 'what if' and 'never again' games.

 

It's all good, sweetheart!!

 

xx

[ClarenceRutherford]

Jane,

You're gonna be okay. Your words have said that over and over in these posts, yet it's one thing to believe that rationally, but harder to put into practice, no?

 

"...I've overcome the blow, and learned to take it well.. I only wish my words could convince myself that it just wasn't real...."

 

"...Something in my eyes. You know it happens all the time when I think about the love I thought would save me..."

Operator. Jim Croce. (1973)

 

 

I posted the most recent comment about the great heartbreak song.

[Janeiac]

I know I'll be fine. things could only get better from the nadir of the relationship. As bad as it hurts right now, I couldn't spend the rest of my life in such an unsatisfying relationship. Better to end it sooner than later.

However, right now I need some nonchalance advice. CrapatNC, please, especially, your words always seem to be just right.

 

We were rocky when I caught him cheating (he swears nothing happenning but did confess to an emotional affair that he is still having) and ended it. We had one huge fight (over the phone) two weeks after, and we haven't seen nor spoken to each other since. He left me a voice mail on my home phone the evening of my birthday, wishing me happy birthday and saying he missed me (I did not pick up nor respond) and another a few moments after on my cell phone, also wishing me happy birthday.

He left a good chunk of cash in a bank account of mine (he holds the debit card and the money is 100% his) and a few odds and ends around my place that I knew he'd want, but I wasn't rushing to do anything abut it. I was doing 30 days NC for my own sanity and peace of mind. However, I had an emergency-- tax bill collection threats-- and I was afraid his money might be seized since it's in my name. The deadline was tomorrow. I did sort out the problem and set up a payment plan, but because I had received official notice I was still scared for his money. Whatever else may be going on, I must at least be decent and fair.

So, I took the cash and put it in an enevelope that I securely taped to his front door, and packed up the things and left them on his porrch this afternoon while he was not at home.

He just called me five minutes ago apparently very angry about my having left his stuff. (OH GOD I HOPE THE MONEY WAS NOT STOLEN!!!) He says it looks like it was "gone through" and he says he's been calling me but I don't answer. He says I should have notified him in advance of bringing the things over.

Now, these are trivial things and not all that valuable, but collectible and meaningful to him and I knew we would like to have them Why is he so angry?

Ok, so because of the situation with the cash I feel I must call him. I was really hoping to do this on day 31-- or at least day 30 (tomorrow). I thought he was out of town until tomorrow. Seems silly, I know, but I was honoring the commitment I made to myself.

Anyway, I have to call him in the next couple of hours and make it seem like I did not ignore the call, but that I was out. Easily accomplished, no biggie-- I was walking the dog or shopping or something-- but what can I say about the business of the phone calls? He blocked me on Facebook and only called to say Happy Birthday The notion that we were on friendly terms is nonsense. I don't want to lose my temper and call him a liar, even though that's what I feel like doing.

WHAT DO I SAY? He is angry right now, and I'm shaking. This is a powder keg waiting to blow and I do not want that. I'll try to calm down some before phoning, but it does have to be tonight. (Because of the cash. I have to make surehe got it.)

Yes, I know, be to the point about the cash. OMG I hope he got it. The other stuff? I'm reeling.

HELP!

[Janeiac]

OK I've calmed down some and had at least one rational thought: I can call him tomorrow. Even though I'm worried sick about the cash, waiting won't change a thing. Either he has it already, or it was stolen and I'm in big trouble. Nothing I can do either way.

I can call him tomorrow, and say I was out tonight and didn't get the message until very late, too late to return his call. By then he perhaps will have calmed down some himself.

But I still need advice on what to say. Should i ignore the nonsense about him claiming to have been calling? Reward/ignore, right?

Or just say, "thanks for the birthday message, I didn't call back because I thought that was all you wanted to say. You still have me blocked on Facebook so I understood you did not wish to communicate with me at all. And that's why I didn't call you about dropping off stuff, either. I only dropped the stuff because I urgently had to get the money out of my account so I had to stop by regardless." It's the truth, except I'm not mentioning the NC part because it seems too melodramatic. What about him saying he missed me? I thought it was BS but...

[Janeiac]

oh, and he also said to please call him, he wants me to call him. Whatever for? So he can yell at me about leaving the stuff on the porch? He did that on voicemail already.