relatives set me up on a blind date with wealthy, older man

[Caterina]

Some people might not think that is weird, but he was obviously aging. I feel really mean for feeling this way, but I mean, he was too old! Going out with an old man where there is actually supposed to be a romantic setting is not appealing in any way to me...and it makes me feel old...it makes me feel like someone is taking a Fastforward button on my life straight from twenty five to OLD. I'm a late bloomer. I haven't ever even fallen in love, much less considered marriage and kids. Plus, if I ever do get married...I'd really just like to be physically attracted to the guy. He was really nice but I just felt really weird. I'd take physical attraction over wealth any day.

 

What - a girl turns twenty five and all of a sudden its free game to older men since it ain't pedophilia? I'm not trying to be mean, but there is no way to put this: why do older men think they have a chance? Why did my relative think that he'd have a chance? This is ten times worse than having the skinny nerd pushed on you, let me tell you. What is it saying about me that I think this shouldn't be normal?

 

I was nice to him, but I really wish I hadn't been put in that uncomfortable situation of different cultural values.

 

I mean, there is something stinging about not having a romantic relationship and then having people set you up with people that are wayyy below even your basic standards. I just feel offended.

[welshieme71]

people who marry for money earn every cent!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, people can't read your mind. So something that really offends you may be irrelevant in their own minds. Perhaps they saw this guy as a really good provider and a chance for stability and a comfortable life for you. Some people value that a lot, and think they are doing you a favor.

 

So before agreeing to be set up, just make your needs really clear. Tell them you don't want to date a person who is over X age, or has this or that characteristic. If you specifically tell them what you won't consider at all, they won't waste your time or the other person's by setting up a date.

 

Also, you shouldn't be offended because they are trying to help. After i got divorced, a good friend of mine tried to set me up with her husband's best friend. I found the guy TOTALLY unsuitable, boring, unattractive etc. We did not hit it off at all. But they were seeing it as two friends who were single and should meet one another. I wasn't offended, but i couldn't wait to get away from the guy! It's not a reflection on you whom they choose. My friend's husband was really a good buddy with that guy, but i found her husband boring too, they were both boring. She loved other qualities about her husband, as in he was stable, steady, reliable (dull in my book!), and thought her husband was great. But for me, that stability wasn't enough to overcome the boringness. Just different people want different things.

[Batya33]

Often when I want to set someone up he or she will say "what is it about him or me that would make a good match?" I like that question because it shows that the person is not desperate and also gives me a chance to tell about the person so that if he is not a good match we can end the conversation right there.

 

I wouldn't be offended, though and I know several people who are VERY happy with and attracted to their "skinny nerds" so I would not hesitate to set someone up with a guy with those characteristics (and I would explain if he was skinny and had "geeky' interests) and I would hope my friend would not be offended.

[annie24]

i'm curious about how old he was.... was it within 15 years of your age? anyways, it's a nice thought, to set you up. i agree with asking in the future why they think you would be a good match. and maybe specify any deal breakers you have.

[Hope75]

How old was he?

 

By the way you describe, he was in his 70's!!

 

Was he nice?

[Zeitgeist]

Maybe your date was feeling a bit weird about it too? I think you need to think hard about why you would be offended because you seem to be blaming them, and none of them have any blame here (the date or your relatives). It was just a date and everyone involved had good intentions. Quite frankly, it's not a healthy attitude to judge people on whether or not they're up to your "standards". A person may or may not be a good match for you, but that doesn't make them a lesser person. You make it sound like your date is an awful person just because he's older.

[Caterina]

I didn't want to come accross as someone who thinks she's better than someone else. Maybe I am judgmental. Some part of me automatically became offended...I guess b/c it was symbolizing the passing of my own youth, which really scared me.

 

He was a decade older than I was, but looked a bit older than that. I've been attracted to older men...I'm attracted to someone who looks like Adrien Brody, but not balding etc

 

I can see how according to the relative's perspective, it was a favor.

 

Yeah, he was a nice guy, but I'm NOT into older men. I don't care about money and I want someone I will be physically attracted to. Its not worth a relationship if you're not attracted, in my opinion.

 

Bestrong and Batya...you both made some really good points, thanks

[summerpeach]

age is irrelevent. You just were not attracted to him

 

35 is not an old man!

[Caterina]

To me it is. I guess b/c the things I found unattractive were signs of aging...balding, wrinkles,etc

[summerpeach]

To me it is. I guess b/c the things I found unattractive were signs of aging...balding, wrinkles,etc

 

I know a few 28 yr old who are bald and wrinkled.

 

Leonardo Dicaprio is 35 and let me tell ya, there would be MANY 25 yr olds that would want him. Hell, I'm 42 and would want him ;-)

 

So you were just not attracted to this guy, it was not his age

[annie24]

35 isn't so old at all, but i guess if you are uncomfortable with that gap, then that's your choice. i know plenty of 23 year olds who are balding and have wrinkles. honey, we will ALL age. and most men can't help their balding, and all men will eventually go bald. so i wouldn't judge a man by things he can't change about himself, like that. i guess if you are not attracted, then you're not attracted, but how would you feel if a man turned you down for not having big enough or too small breasts? and breasts are easier to change than male pattern baldness!

[itsallgrand]

So has this motivated you to go out and try dating some more guys on your own? lol.

 

Match-ups don't always work out. It's pretty much a blind date. But no harm, no foul - it's a chance and can be fun when taken with a spirit of adventure.

 

Consider this: you probably never would have went on a date with a man such as he if not for being matched up. I consider that a good thing sometimes: to date enough different sorts of men to get a true understanding of what it is you are looking for, and what turns you off.

 

At the very least, it's experience in getting comfortable with dating and bowing out gracefully. ..

[Batya33]

LOL. Your relative did not set you up with an old man. I thought all along he was in his late 50s! It's ok not to prefer that type of age gap but to call that old and you are over 15, I don't know....

[itsallgrand]

I pictured a walker and stories of the great world wars!

 

Guys in their 30's have a lot of appeal to me right now.

[Caterina]

He looked older than thirty five, he probably was forty. I like signs of youth: full hair,thin waists. I'm only twenty five, two years ago I graduated from college. What do I have in common with a man who has been working for a decade or more? What do I have in common with a man who says, "what is it with these kids and this myspace?"? I listen to hip hop. I say "dude" and "that sucks". I know who fifty cent is. There is a difference.

 

Men who are balding are looking to settle down obviously b/c most guys their age have settled down and had kids.

 

I'm so far from that its not funny.

 

I'm just going to chalk it up to different strokes from different folks. I guess more people feel differently about this issue than I thought.

[Batya33]

I think the difference here is not age - you are not looking to settle down - many people in their 20s are. The other issue is that this guy just seems like an old man - he probably was like that in his 20s too - not about age. I know many people in their 30s and 40s who don't talk like that. On the other hand, even in my 20s I would have been uncomfortable with too much "slang" talk - again not an age issue.

[poloplayer]

Again, moreso than not, I am taking Batyas side here. I also don't think that you are ready to settle down quite yet. Your explanation is just full of angles that you are shooting.

 

I graduated college a few years ago and 'dude' was standard vocab that was used probably voiced 239 times a day along with at least one beer in my hand each day. I used to have some bangin subs in my ride as well. Today I rarely ever drink and hardly use any slang (no subs either). Yet, I can easily pass as a high schooler looks-wise. From the way I am today maturity wise, many people guess me to be married in my 30s. It's all about where someone is at mentally. I also work with many people my age, and younger, who are either married or engaged to marry. Age isn't an issue for them.

 

But of course, nothing wrong with not wanting to settle down quite yet. Have fun, enjoy life, etc. Honestly, I thought this dude was frail and you would need to take care of him. Perhaps Viagra would be required along with your aid to walk him up and down the stairs. Dude isn't old - probably looking to get serious and settle down. I guess that can be perceived as old if you aren't ready yet. I'll admit I used to think that way when I was going out all the time and having a blast. I ran out of juice eventually, and now I type on here.