NeverMore Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 ...never contacts you, you always contact them. Is it wrong to start question the friendship? How about taking it beyond that and just stop contacting them and see how long it takes them to notice or even to miss you? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 i disagree with the premise of the thread. some people are always available to hang out, others are busy with family and work. So when the busy people are free, give the unbusy person a call. really uncomplicates things, establishes order Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I do keep a watch on those kind of friendships. I give chances - depending on the person's situation (did she just have a baby, been traveling a lot, etc) but at some point I cut off contact. No hard and fast rule. My personal pet peeve - the people who never contact you but keep you on their mass e-mail joke/chain letter lists. One time, a person like that sent me a mass email asking me to sign up with a retail store - turned out she would get a "cut" of anyone she referred. I replied to her: "[her name], I just wanted you to know I received this e-mail from your e-mail account - obviously someone is trying to hack in to your account to try to sell products. Hope all is well." She immediately replied that it was not a hacker, it was she and that she emailed because the products were good (yeah, right.....). Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I've had that happen, but I usually check in every so often to see what's going on. As I once said before, I don't really like to dump friendships. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I've been on both ends. A lot of it is because of distance. I'm more likely to maintain contact with the friends in my city rather than the ones who live elsewhere. But chances are, if I'm not initiating contact at least once in awhile, the friendship isn't a priority. It doesn't mean that I don't like the person or wouldn't want to hang out with them, but with a limited amount of time, I put my effort into the friendships that I feel are stronger or I get along with the person better. For example, I have a friend I met at work and we became close. She quit and we tried to maintain the friendship. But whenever we'd talk or hang out, she seemed bored if the conversation wasn't about her. She's fallen asleep over at my place more than once. So I stopped initiating any kind of contact. I'd rather put that effort into friends that I know will want to spend time with me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I agree and with people like that I avoid doing the "check in" because - well - if they don't want to put effort into a friendship I don't care what's going on. And, I cannot stand those "check in" emails from the person who doesn't keep in contact that is just for the purpose of bragging and trying to see what she can find out about your accomplishments - from a competitive perspective. Or, because she just got engaged and all of a sudden wants you to know that and wants a gift. Obviously it depends - I am talking about where there's been no contact for close to a year (where you made the last contact), in the meanwhile she met her fiancee and doesn't return multiple phone calls/emails over that year until she writes just to say that she is engaged. Ick. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Yea I have a friend from college like that. She's engaged, I'm not invited to the wedding, but she occasionally emails me to talk about her wedding dress, engagement party, etc. Not that I want to go...I don't like this girl. But it's just rude. I find myself with a lot of friends who contact me when they need something. Usually advice. If they have a problem, they contact me and aren't really interested in what's going on with me. I've learned to cut those people out for the most part. Or at least not really count them as true friends. Those are the people that I don't contact. Link to comment
Enigmatika Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I find myself with a lot of friends who contact me when they need something. $$$$ and when the wallet closes...LOL....their true colors. ..sad. Good friends are few and far between. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Yea I have a friend from college like that. She's engaged, I'm not invited to the wedding, but she occasionally emails me to talk about her wedding dress, engagement party, etc. Not that I want to go...I don't like this girl. But it's just rude. I find myself with a lot of friends who contact me when they need something. Usually advice. If they have a problem, they contact me and aren't really interested in what's going on with me. I've learned to cut those people out for the most part. Or at least not really count them as true friends. Those are the people that I don't contact. Oh yes....I know all about those kind of people who can't be bothered with you unless they want something from you or they want to brag about something in their life. Yech is right. I stop bothering with people like that. Also, if I find that I am doing all the initiating of contact and they can't be bothered, I eventually just stop bothering and figure if they really want to know how I am doing they will contact me. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I meant more emotionally. I cheap and people know it Or like a car ride, haha. I've had that happen a lot. Great friends are rare, but I'm lucky and have found some amazing ones. My best friend from middle school is still my absolute best friend, even though we live in different cities and probably always will. Link to comment
NeverMore Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 All good replies... I have an online friend who I used to talk to daily. Then she got this new boyfriend (Internet relationship, they live on oposite sides of the country). Not only did I see a change in her attitude, but suddenly it was always me IMing her and she seemed really bored with the conversation unless it was about the new bf.) I thought, Ok, if you want to forget your friends because you met a guy that's fine, and stopped contacting her. Haven't heard from her since. But, I also wonder: I think it's petty of her to forget her friends over an online realtionship, but this is also an online friendship. So maybe us being friends is just as petty to her, idk. I also had another friend who I always had to initiate contact with who I stopped contacting. Then whenever I went a while without talking to her she would always start showing up at my house or call me after about a month. Link to comment
Gratsy Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I really don't know the answer to this. If I know someone is worth keeping as a friend, I don't mind being the one to always contact her. Some people are just busy...or some people have subconsciously just given you the job of doing that. You don't have to be offended unless you want to be. Some people do that b/c well, yeah, they don't really care about the friendship that much. I guess you can ask yourself if they express that they care in other ways if they're doing that. The girl who is doing that to you Daligirl, is rude...I'd tell her to stop contacting me. Link to comment
Gratsy Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I used to be somewhat that way. Like always the one contacting, or asking my friend to hang out. Till I realised she was one big flake! So for years now I never contact her. Too bad, but I would rather her contact me when she "has time" lol. I had a friend who complained that he was always asking me to do stuff with him and me never. In my mind I thought: well you never really give me a chance to miss you, b/c you're always asking me to do stuff. Maybe over time you have sort of taken over the "role" of the one who does all the planning and inviting? Does your friend ever flake? If he/she doesn't then that's a very good sign. This makes sense. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 It is rude, which is why I don't really seek her out anymore. I don't have fun, even though she's a great girl. I wish it went differently. On the other side, my best friend since middle school that I was talking about, she's HORRIBLE at initiating that kind of contact. You'd call her, she wouldn't call back. And we've all talked to her about it. But she's the type of girl that everyone wants to be her best friend, so she's constantly got people calling her and she really just gets overwhelmed. So instead, she just ignores all of it. People get mad at her, but we all know not to take it personally. Within the last 6 months though, she's gotten SO much better with me. She actually calls me more often. And if I call her a few times and she hasn't called back, usually she'll give me a quick text or call to let me know that she's just busy and not ignoring me. We talk about it and she says it's because I don't obsess over her like her other friends do or take it personally. I'll yell at her for fun, but I don't put her up on this pedestal that others do. Link to comment
Sky_Ronin Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 No, it isn't wrong to question the friendship at all. Actually it's a natural reaction and smart thing to do. It's wise of you to protect yourself because it's a harsh world we live in. The loyal ones will stay and the disloyaled ones will fall one by one with time. Link to comment
DarrellG Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I think the consensus of this thread is that you are not wrong to question it but you should make allowences for personal circumstances which is pretty much how I feel...I tend to just let such people fall by the wayside...if they cant make the effort then why should you?? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 For the last several months, my best friend became real distant with me. I couldn't understand why since we spoke frequently about anything and everything. I started having major family issues and she said she didn't like what was happening and since she didn't feel she could speak on it without hurting my feelings, she chose to just back away from me and the friendship. That left me really perplexed because she and I ALWAYS were there for each other. I didn't like what was going on in my family anymore than she did and that was the time that I needed her the most. She stopped calling, stopped texting, no emails. I called her a couple of times and when I did get her on the phone, I could tell that she was all that interested in talking with me. So I decided that I would just let her go. Then, last week I get an email from her, not a very nice one. I don't want to go into details but at that moment it dawned on me that she is not the friend that I loved for so many years. I let her go too. Link to comment
theBestFriend Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 all of my friends are like you describe - except maybe one. most of my friends live together, and i live with someone i don't like. i only see my best friend when her bf is out of town, and when my other friend is with his old friends, he doesn't return my calls. i think in general, i get lonely more often than my friends because they have someone within easy reach to hang out with, like a S.O. or a roommate, so i call them before they have a chance to miss me. i just have to take them the way they are, though i am always on they hunt for new and more reliable friends. i don't think any friend is worth dropping (unless they obviously treat you like crap), so make sure they know how you feel before you make a decision. they may just be oblivious, and expect you to call all they time. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 But what of those whose standards are "expecting me to call all the time = treating me like crap" Link to comment
Gratsy Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Its odd...I had a friend who was really good to me but her best friend stopped talking to me. Now she kind of expects me to be the one to always call. I don't know if I'm imagining it...its pretty petty, but perhaps its real. Link to comment
theBestFriend Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 most of my friends are guys, and i know they generally don't like the phone...so i can get over that. it's so minor, i try not to let it bother me. i can think of a million other things a friend could do to me that would hurt me more, like sleep with my boyfriend, mooch too much, take advantage of my kindness, ignore me and not be there for me, tell all my business to everyone, etc. maybe they are doing something else that makes you mad? because really, some people are just lazy, and you shouldn't take it personally. Link to comment
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