Suicide threats from boyfriend

[shinx]

Hm. I don't know exactly how to explain this. I only just decided I should ask for advice and found this forum about 5 minutes ago. But here goes.

 

I'm currently in a long distance relationship. I met this guy on the internet and we live on different sides of the country. I'm 18, he's 19. We've been "together" for about a year and a half now, but we haven't seen each other yet. Reasons being it's very expensive to fly all the way out there, and if my parents found out... they would not be especially happy. And I'm the kind of person that really needs for my boyfriend to be there for me in every way. And he can't really do that right now, so I have been wanting to end our relationship/put it on hold until I go to college this year very near to where he lives, and then we can try again.

 

The problem is, he won't let me end it. I've tried several times, and each time he threatens to kill himself if I do. Not directly like "if you dump me I will kill myself", but I'll say I think I want to take a break and as I try to explain why and let him down easy he'll just get progressively more and more depressed-sounding until he is like "okay... leave me... I wont be around much longer anyway..." or something like that.

 

I really seriously doubt he actually would kill himself, but its still a frightening enough idea that I will spend the next six or so hours desperately talking him out of it and say I'll keep trying a little longer. This has happened about... 20 times in the past half a year or so. 4 times in the past week. And he's recently starting to do it not just about me breaking up with him, but he says if he doesn't get to see me right away, he'll kill himself. Or if I'm not in a good mood one day or just forget to say "I love you" when I first wake up, he thinks I am angry at him for no reason and says he'll kill himself. And if I ever tell him "you doing this over and over makes me feel awful", he will just become depressed and blame himself for everything and say he'll kill himself again.

 

It just makes me feel insanely pressured. Like everything that I do is probably wrong or a mistake and his life is on the line. I feel like I need to constantly do everything he wants or asks of me, and I always need to be completely happy with everything, and I can't miss a beat or I just ruin everything.

 

 

I'm at a complete loss about what to do, so any advice at all would be wonderful.

Thank you.

[melrich]

I really seriously doubt he actually would kill himself,

 

Well I am sure you are right about that. This is passive-aggressive behaviour and guilt transfer. To be honest, it does not say great things about his personality and I think you should think seriously about getting further involved with this person.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well I am sure you are right about that. This is passive-aggressive behaviour and guilt transfer. To be honest, it does not say great things about his personality and I think you should think seriously about getting further involved with this person.

 

I agree with Melrich on that. This is a huge red flag.

[greensleeves]

You cannot stay with someone because they are threatening suicide...it's a manipulative ploy on his part. You've never even met this person face to face, so how can he fairly place this kind of pressure on you? He's obviously very troubled, and as cold as this may sound...it's not your problem. The next time he makes a threat like this give him the following numbers to call: 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK

 

Let him know that you understand that he needs help, but that you're not equipped to provide the professional help that he clearly needs.

 

This is no life for you and you need to remove yourself from this situation. You know that you can't possibly have a healthy relationship with someone like this.

[HyruleGuardian]

You shouldn't put up with that kind of behavior. He shouldn't put that kind of stress and pressure on you. It sounds like he's very clingy and unstable.

[shinx]

How do I do I end it? Just say "you should get help" and then cut off all contact? That seems a little harsh and abrupt and I would feel bad doing it that way. He has some emotional issues for sure, and I don't want to make it worse.

[melrich]

Yes I think that is what you should do.

 

Look, that sort of "threat" is a HUGE red flag. It really does not say good things about him and what sort of prospect he would be for a long term relationship. If he is at that point now then he is co-dependent and your relationship balance is wildly out of kilter.

 

I think you have to be cruel to be kind to be honest.

[jmantra]

Yes this guy needs serious help, tell him you don't appreciate the hints of suicide, and you don't think it;s healthy for you two to be in a relationship right now

[Shiranai]

I had a friend (note the word "had"), who threatened her ex-boyfriend (also note the word ex) with suicide every time he tried to leave her.

 

She ended up becoming more and more aggressive along with her threats of suicide. At the end, she stabbed him, and now she's in state prison for attempted murder.

 

She's alive though, and he's no longer dating her.

 

 

Moral of the story, he is not your problem. So what even if he really tries to kill himself? It's up to him to seek help, not up to you to give up your happiness and your chance for a relationship with a decent normal human being for an a-hole that threatens you with something that's not your responsibility.

[shinx]

Alright. I told him I wanted to end it and asked him to get help. He promised he would and apologized and is begging me not to leave. I feel awful. But... I knew that I needed to do this and just needed a little push in the right direction I guess. Thank you, everyone who has replied.

 

If he does get adequate help, should I give him another chance later? Like... months into the future. If even to just be friends? Other than this, he is a very sweet guy and I really don't want to just abandon him, he doesn't really have anyone else.

[melrich]

If he does get adequate help, should I give him another chance later? Like... months into the future.

 

I would re-examine it in a few months. See how you feel then.

[Shiranai]

I don't think he's a "sweet guy". I think that's a front he puts up to get people to hang out with him. If he's really a "sweet guy" or a "nice guy," he would never threaten you with suicide in the first place.

 

 

I had another friend who threatened her ex-boyfriends with suicides every time they tried to leave her. This woman was crazy enough to actually follow through with her threats each and every time. However, she'll call the ex-boyfriend first, tell him she's about to kill herself, call his best friend, and tell that person she'll end her life soon thanks to her ex-boyfriend, and tell him where, then she calls her parents and tell them she's killing herself now, and where she is. ALL THAT, before she even does it! I'm glad none of her ex-boyfriends felled for her act. Granted she got sent to the ER every time and was saved, but I think even that's a waste of the ERs' resources.

[shinx]

I don't think he's a "sweet guy". I think that's a front he puts up to get people to hang out with him. If he's really a "sweet guy" or a "nice guy," he would never threaten you with suicide in the first place.

 

I don't think he's TRYING to threaten me. He's just really, really clingy and is kind of obsessed with me and doesn't quite know what he'd do without me. But I'd have trouble believing that he actually is consciously trying to control or threaten me.

 

But then again, I got stuck in this mess so what do I know *shrug*

[richmonder80]

Tell him to just do it...he is trying to make you feel guilty. You dont need to take his crap. just go NC. people who tell others that they are going to kill themself never will, they only say it to get attention.

[jmantra]

I don't think he's TRYING to threaten me. He's just really, really clingy and is kind of obsessed with me and doesn't quite know what he'd do without me. But I'd have trouble believing that he actually is consciously trying to control or threaten me.

 

But then again, I got stuck in this mess so what do I know *shrug*

 

Well maybe hes not aggressively threatening but if he is that clingy that the thought of being without you makes him suicidal then he *really* shouldn't be in a relationship, go NC for his sake and yours.

[Miss Firecracker]

If he does get adequate help, should I give him another chance later? Like... months into the future. If even to just be friends? Other than this, he is a very sweet guy and I really don't want to just abandon him, he doesn't really have anyone else.

 

No, you shouldn't give him another chance, ever. That's my opinion. There is a good reason he has no one else. Find someone who will lift you up, not drag you through the dirt.

[shinx]

It's not that he doesn't have anyone else because no one will talk to him cause he's a jerk. He's just recently started college and its away from everyone he knew in high school, and he's not really especially outgoing. And he's been talking to me literally almost non stop ever since he got there anyway, he's kind of secluded himself from the outside world and just let everything revolve around me.

 

So seriously. He's not a jerk. He's just really, really clingy and gets anxious easily. Which is still not exactly desirable and I want him to stop, but I am pretty sure that this whole suicide thing isn't because he is trying to control me, at least on purpose. He's just... got some problems and doesn't know how to deal with them.

 

I talked with him more yesterday and today and he apparently already had been prescribed anti-depressants a few months ago, but his parents pressured him and said only crazy people take pills, so he stopped taking them. He still had the almost full bottle though, and I convinced him to start taking them again and see if that helped any, and if didn't then he should see a doctor or therapist.

 

We're stopping talking at the end of today. Just wanted a day to say goodbye and let him do the same, the reason being I've tried to abruptly stop talking to him before and he gets physically sick. Like vomiting and being unable to eat for days from severe anxiety. This is confirmed from a friend of his that I kind of know (who got very angry me on the phone for doing that to him) so I know he's not making it up.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope you will be good to yourself, shinx. He's got some very serious problems that I'd never get involved with. This is someone you've never laid eyes on who wants to crawl inside you. It frightens me just reading about it.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I don't think he's TRYING to threaten me. He's just really, really clingy and is kind of obsessed with me and doesn't quite know what he'd do without me. But I'd have trouble believing that he actually is consciously trying to control or threaten me.

 

But then again, I got stuck in this mess so what do I know *shrug*

 

I think that after six months of no-contact, it'd be okay to send an email to see how he's doing. But what I really want to address is this post that you made.

 

You say that you don't believe he's really trying to threaten you, then make excuses for him based in things that are really good reasons to not be in a relationship with him - being really clingy and obsessed with you. His constant threats of suicide are manipulative and they are deliberate. When he threatens to hurt himself you give him lots of attention and then he feels treasured and valued. It keeps bad things from happening, like you leaving - and it lets him get out of situations by throwing the focus over onto you having to "save" him.

 

Also, if he's in college, there are counselors on his campus within easy access, and they should be free.

[PixelPusher]

Look.. YOU don't MAKE him do anything. And his friends guilting you into thinking so are just as manipulative as he is. Fact is... HE has to learn to deal with relationships like this because that's what life is. Never, ever stay with someone because you feel guilty.

 

He may be a nice guy, but he also is not confident, clingy, needy and passive-aggressive. He COULD work through these issues but only time... a lot of time... and therapy, will tell. If you want to pursue this in the future, then fine, but be VERY aware. Behaviors like this do not change overnight. He might be able to "play" at being healthy for a while (just enough to get you hooked in the relationship again) before he reverts back.

 

Honestly... it doesn't sound to me like this is worth it. You're young, starting a new phase of life, you've never met the guy, he has already manipulated you emotionally... as "nice" as he is... meh. There are a LOT of nice guys out there that aren't as messed up as this guy is.

[Guni]

Anybody that threatens to kill themselves if a relationship is ended is not right in the head. End it. That is my advice.