My girlfriend died, just feel lost.

[heaven66]

OMG Im so sorry Girogio it's hard...I lost 3 people like that...yup 3 times...But it does get better..It really does..You feel empty like if no one understands your pain...but we do..I do..Believe me it will get better.

[heaven66]

Thank you CC, it's just some people think that grief is a bad thing but I think not gieving for someone is much worse.

 

p.s. I'm glad my avatar made you smile.

 

Dagles you will be alright..I know its not what you want to hear...but you will have to grieve..there is no way out of that..Cry, scream, take time for you alone and you will come back to reality..right now you find nothing will help..but it will..give it time.

[Dagless]

There was a time when the sadness would ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

As it comes up to the year my mind is just a muddle of images and feelings of the past but I feel at peace with it all and I have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the peace.

[KG]

There was a time when the sadness ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

As it comes up to the year my mind is just a muddle of images and feelings of the past but I feel at peace with it all and I have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the peace.

 

Dags,

Welcome to the next level....it's OK. And glad for you.

[JadedStar]

There was a time when the sadness ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

As it comes up to the year my mind is just a muddle of images and feelings of the past but I feel at peace with it all and I have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the peace.

 

Great post.

 

And i am glad you are finding yourself in a more tranquil place Dags.

[WaterIsLife]

There was a time when the sadness ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

True. Its your familiar, no? (in the spiritual/mythical sense of the term)

 

As it comes up to the year my mind is just a muddle of images and feelings of the past but I feel at peace with it all and I have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the peace.

 

Yes, it is Ok to feel at peace. Don't forget, its also OK to not feel at peace at times as well....

[tiredofvampires]

There was a time when the sadness ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

What a great post. This is really the key to everything, Dags. The key, as I've known it, to anything approaching "acceptance" -- not necessarily feeling a good feeling or even an okay feeling, but to be able to co-exist with what it is in this kind of way.

 

It reminds me of one of my favorite poems:

 

 

 

 

The Guest House

 

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

 

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

 

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

 

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

 

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

 

 

~ Rumi ~

[Dagless]

True. Its your familiar, no? (in the spiritual/mythical sense of the term)

 

What a great post. This is really the key to everything, Dags. The key, as I've known it, to anything approaching "acceptance" -- not necessarily feeling a good feeling or even an okay feeling, but to be able to co-exist with what it is in this kind of way.

 

It's really difficult to explain but sometimes I don't even know it is there and then I'll get a feeling like I feel as if I'm back in the hospital but so watered down, like an echo. Then I'll get the nod from the sadness but he sympathises because he feels it too, after all he is me or at least part of me.

[yeawutever]

I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be very shocking. I would go crazy if I was in that position, he's my love, to think something like that can happen to him, oh nooooo it better not.

[Dagless]

It's amazing what you can live through if you don't have a choice.

If you have someone you love then you hug them and tell them that you do.

[raining.stars]

There was a time when the sadness would ride in on a black cloud, punch me in the gut and throw my soul around the room but these days I see him coming and we nod our heads then we sit quietly together.

 

As it comes up to the year my mind is just a muddle of images and feelings of the past but I feel at peace with it all and I have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the peace.

 

Love to you Dags and glad you are feeling at peace.

[Al B]

Dagless - Thank you for posting all of your feelings over the past year. Three weeks ago I had my fiancee die similar to what happened to your girl. She was only 43 years old. Her birthday was to be on Dec 22. Her mother was talking to her at midnight and the next morning at 7 am she found her lying on the kitchen floor gone. I am experiencing so many of the same feelings you related in your postings. I thought I was going crazy until I read your posts that what I am experiencing are normal feelings. Thank you so much for helping me. Al

[Dagless]

Al, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It does feel like a madness, all the emotions they become uncontrollable at times. If my posts have helped you make some sense out of it all then that helps me too.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Will D Ness]

How great it is that you will admit to having a great support group. Many men like to isolate themselves and convince themselves they are alone. Good for you.

 

So very sorry for your loss. I know you wish you could just turn your mind off sometimes--you probably think about her all the time. You are transitioning from a time of living with her to a time of living with only her memory. That constant thinking and mulling is nature's way of searing those memories into your heart so you'll never forget.

 

She must have been very special to have made such a lasting impression on you. You sound like a special person too, to have presented her in such a warm light.

 

Let us know how we can help.

[timetoremember]

Her time and her reasons for being here on this physical place are done....she will always love you, and will watch over you. Talk to her, remember her with tenderness, and with a smile and when you are ready.....open your heart again. Seek guidance, pray or get counselling, whatever will help you at this time of sorrow. Peace be with you Dagless and others that have lost loved ones. They will be with us forever as long as you keep them alive in your heart.

[Dagless]

Tomorrow it will be a year since she died but on that Friday all I felt was relief. It was on the Thursday when I knew I had lost her, when I had to let go of the hope that she would wake up and everything would be ok. I spent days pushing the notion away, not allowing it to enter my mind.

I had to let my greatest fears in at that moment.

 

A year on and I feel much more at peace with it all. I no longer have that twisting in my stomach when I think about what happened, I no longer struggle with those memories and I don't cry at night anymore. It's been a long time since I did that. I feel that I am ready to move forward again.

[raining.stars]

Much love to you Dags, I know it has been a tough year and so glad that you can find some peace, Lisa would be so proud of you, you survived a year and also you have helped many on here going through something similar it is a great gift!

[Dagless]

Much love to you Dags, I know it has been a tough year and so glad that you can find some peace, Lisa would be so proud of you, you survived a year and also you have helped many on here going through something similar it is a great gift!

 

Thank you CC ((Hugs))

 

I had a little cry last night, I still miss her so much but I believe I am ready to be part of this world again.

[raining.stars]

I believe I am ready to be part of this world again.

 

hugs! I am happy for you Dags!

[greensleeves]

Hi Dagless...it's hard to believe that a year has passed. I'm glad that you're coping well and my thoughts are with you today. You are a wonderful person and she would want you to find happiness.

[tiredofvampires]

Dags, I can't even tell you how much it gives me a really deep down feeling within my own heart of greater lightness (like a smile in my chest) to know that you weathered these two very significant and momentous days of revisitation the way you have...that you are passing through doorways on your way back up to the Upperworld, so to speak. To me, you stand here as not just candle for your own way forwards, but a candle to others who are stumbling in the same lightless places...look at how again and again, people type in their deepest sorrow, into letters and words in a search....searching to know they are not the only ones, searching for a hand to hold, searching for some reason to believe that it's ever going to not hurt this bad. And you and this thread are what come up. Your inspiration comes up again and again, your example, your words, your emotional honesty and eloquence, your expressive nature, your kindess and soulfulness. How I wish there were more in this world with such precious and unbreakable qualities. You're one of the rare ones.

 

And watching your evoluation and progression throughout this year is truly remarkable...I think at our lowest points, we can feel so terribly "weak", and yet just bearing them, like you did last year on that worst of nights, is such an immense moment in time of strength, it's something you may not feel as strength or see as strength until you've come farther along the path to be able to recognize it. That's why it's so hard...we don't get to see the fruits of our labor, our labor pains when we are in the throes of them, and need it the most, to know it won't be forever like this. That is why it is so important to have a few to tell us, "It won't be forever like this, this unbearable pain. Just stay with it, stay here, stay with your fists to the wheel and your ear to the ground." And now you are one of those people....even though you still miss her and there will never be a day that you don't, even when you can laugh and love as hard as you ever did.

 

I think grieving and then returning to life are such gradual processes, the most important element of all is patience. Patience with the pain is a trial by fire. But as life unfolds and the two start to blur -- the grieving and missing, along with the healing -- it becomes clear just how many feelings can coexist within us. The line between a tear and a laugh is a fine one. The line between joy and sadness, distinct but they still often touch eachother. The taste of sweetness at the center with bitter around the edges, or bitter with sweetness in the mix....makes of us a rich palette of flavors...and we can see just how nothing is ever black or white, and how we can allow ourselves the ambiguity of this mixture. There is never a time we have to choose one flavor to feel....we can feel them all in a moment, all at once and make that okay.

 

The memories surrounding her death...the hospital, the efforts to keep her alive, the last time you saw her...will fade into these echoes, but she will never fade as a force within you, a force of love and the way she changed you and shaped you. I do truly believe that she still lives, the immortal aspect of her self, and as such, is always accessible to you. The genius of Time I've found is that if we just hang on, the parts that we need to remember least because they don't serve us drop back, and the parts we need the most get brighter and more unshakable. It seems the total reverse, the opposite when at first we are in the thick of losing...but healing slowly turns the tide on this seeming appearance of things.

 

I'm so glad you have this feeling now of growing peace. I'm so glad to know you and to keep learning about loss, love and life alongside you.

 

(((Huge hugs for your milestone)))

[Al B]

Dagless and all others, Thank you again for this wonderful site. Today was another tough day. Kristen was my fiancee's name, she was taking care of her mother and had her living with her, she has lung cancer. Now her mother is trying to pack up the pieces of her daughter's life sell her home and move away to stay with her son. I try to help her in all of my free moments. On the tenth it will be one month. I have lost so much weight I am starting to look like a skeleton. I am still saying that I can't believe this happened. It is so hard for me to go into her home and help her mother pack and give away her possesions. I keep expecting to see her and I can't shut my mind off thinking of the things we used to do. Her mother has given me several items that I will always treasure but they also bring her memory right into my mind and I break down. I have a daughter that loves me so those thoughts I have had of suicide are not possible. My family wishes the best for me but they have no idea how gut wrenching this feels to me. Kristen gave so much of herself to help less fortunate people and animals. She forgave all the many people that hurt her in her lifetime. I just don't understand why she died and so many evil people live on. Dag from what I have read of your early posts it didn't seem you would be able to survive the loss. I at times get involved in my job and numbly get by but any free moment makes me think of her and I cry. I want to join her but I know she would not want that now. Thanks for listening. Al

[mellybelly]

Al--

 

Just want to send so much love out to you! The first month is unreal, there is just too much to process, and as a result so many different emotions, and the first months are the hardest.....I'm just at five months after losing my boyfriend. I'm so so sorry for your loss of your fiancee, she sounds wonderful...It's so hard to find understanding on why these things have to happen, the most we can hope for is acceptance in time. For now just be very easy on yourself...let yourself cry when you need to, be close to family, take time for yourself when you need it, and ask for help when you need it. I too lost a lot of weight that first month. Just know that everything you are feeling is normal, and merited. It's the hardest thing losing a love, and that gut wrenching feeling you are experiencing...only those who have experienced a loss like this can understand truly the depths of the pain! It speaks of the love you have for her. Just know that she is your angel now.

 

so much love,

melly

[mellybelly]

Dags,

just want to say I am so happy to see you at a peaceful point! You deserve it, and CC is right, Lisa would be so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your experience along the way, you have shed so much light for me and helped me along my journey!

 

so much love to you friend!

[Dagless]

Dags,

just want to say I am so happy to see you at a peaceful point! You deserve it, and CC is right, Lisa would be so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your experience along the way, you have shed so much light for me and helped me along my journey!

 

so much love to you friend!

 

Thank you melly ((Hugs)) much love to you too.