My girlfriend died, just feel lost.

[tiredofvampires]

there are things you can put right and things you can't.

 

I think this is the single hardest thing to grapple with. Somehow, to reconcile oneself to the unreconcilable. How can that be done? It really can seem like the impossible. I think anyone who gets to that point, or glimpses at it as you have glimpsed sees that two separate "truths" are givens at the same time, and must somehow co-exist. One is that something has gone wrong and will never be right again. The other is that even with this being the case, life is worth embracing and finding other things that can be right. That is still there for us and we owe it to ourselves -- our own lives being as precious and worthy as the one that is gone -- to experience the full measure of that.

[Dagless]

You are right and it's that last thing to give. When you can finally let slip through your fingers what you once held so dear then it's the final realisation and you can finally move forward. I still miss her and I still love her and if I had a choice then none of this would have happened and she would still be here with me but I didn't. Life can be very cruel, unfair and unkind at times but when life does its worst then we must do our best. There are times to hold on and there are times to let go and knowing when to do those two is something that only comes with time.

[markala]

I am sorry about you loss. Hope you have someone close that you can share and celebrate how much your girlfriend meant to you. The loss of a loved one often lands us in the middle of an emotional storm with little to no sight of clear skies. In their absense, our senses crave desperately for what we know of them but it can be overcome by not resisting the moment. Allow for your memories of her to continue to resonate in your life, among your friends and family. The memories of your girlfriend and her love for you will show you the way.

[Dagless]

It's been seven months since I've posted anything here. I guess I stopped posting on this thread because I wanted to draw a line under this and believe that the worst was over, and although I had indeed been through my darkest hour, the grieving was far from over.

It's coming up to 11 months since it happened, it's strange how it seems to affect me differently with each month now and I never really know how it will hit me but I have a feeling that this time will be different because it will signify something else.....Christmas. Not just that of course but it will then be 12 months, 1 year and I can't help but feel that the reason I don't feel too much now is because I can see that coming.

I find myself increasingly frustrated or is it uninterested in posting here and I can't help but think it's because my mind doesn't want to face the end of December. I know that turning my back on this place and the good souls that are here would be the wrong thing to do.

 

So why post here now? I don't know, to show that these things don't go away, that my girlfriend died and I still feel lost, to a degree. When I'm in a crowd I still find myself looking for her face.

[raining.stars]

So why post here now? I don't know, to show that these things don't go away, that my girlfriend died and I still feel lost, to a degree. When I'm in a crowd I still find myself looking for her face.

 

I don't know if the searching will ever end.

The year mark will be tough because we don't know what to expect, I am scared that I will completely breakdown and all those feelings from that day will come flooding back. I also feel I don't want to face the end of December and I hate that it is inevitable.

 

but feel that the reason I don't feel too much now is because I can see that coming.

I find myself increasingly frustrated or is it uninterested in posting here

I am feeling similar too, that I know what is coming, these emotions are crazy and sometimes just all too consuming, sometimes I think as if my mind has had enough all ready of the constant emotions, so it gives up and shuts down.

 

You are a special soul Dags. hugs to you.

[stella74]

Dagless - it's understandable that these feelings are coming up now. Not only is a one-year anniversary difficult, but the holidays are hard too. You've got both coming up soon. Make sure to surround yourself with friends and people you can talk to.

 

I'm here for you. PM me if you need to.

 

You're doing great. Hang in there.

[mellybelly]

I think we will always search for them Dags. we never intended on saying goodbye.

 

UGH, I have been feeling so empty at times lately, and honestly feel as if I am trying to rebel against this constant grieving, this constant longing for Michael, like my soul is just drained from it! (I think CC described it perfectly.)

But then a valve opens, and it is still raw and it still hurts so much....I can't believe I am approaching four months, I can't believe I have made it this far, and I can't believe you two are appraoching a year. I'm proud of you!

 

The holidays are going to be hard. : / We will get through somehow......So much love to you.

[tiredofvampires]

I can't help but feel that the reason I don't feel too much now is because I can see that coming.

 

You mean...kind of the calm before the storm?...

 

This has got to be so utterly hard, beyond hard for you, Dags -- yes, the overlap and awful coincidence of Christmas AND this, rolled together is really just a compounded injury, isn't it. Holidays are hard enough as is, without the significance of having this all converge right about ON the holidays. There's just no getting around it: this is tough going stuff. Tough, tough, tough. But you are in equal measure tough (yet soft too, which is the right combo, I say), to meet it, and know that it's still true -- the darkest hour IS still behind you.

 

Though that date is fast approaching, and I think what happens is a dread and tuning out at the same time. Right now, it's like looking ahead to the days coming up as well as massive rewind overload all at once. So I would really, right now, focus as much as you possibly can on each day, just as you have been, being very aware of not zooming ahead or zooming backward, but bringing yourself to just "today." Make it TODAY each day, as best you can, just like all the others "in between" this year, in between month markers. Keep in mind, you are always ahead of where you were before, even when old feelings resurface.

 

Also, start to think about something that might make that day a little less agonizing for you, maybe some little ritual that will make you feel close to her without gutting yourself with a flood of memories that are too loaded. I'm saying, start thinking about some way to make yourself feel good that day, in a way that she would like to see you enjoy yourself. Because this is about "celebrating" that you made it through the toughest year of your life, that you made it through a year of deep sorrow and incalculable loss, and are here to still grab ahold of life and feel grateful for loving. It's about that as much as it is losing her. That you survived losing her.

 

If you have to withdraw from posting a bit just to go inward, everyone will understand...but also, you bring so much insight to the raw experiences you've gone through, if you can find the words for what you don't want to face, it might be very liberating.

 

I'm glad you're sticking it out here, really glad...and to see you posting on this thread again. It is so timely and right that you are revisiting it.

 

Your recovery (and discovery) from this is a continuing inspiration for everyone, even people like me who are recovering from other things.

 

When I'm in a crowd I still find myself looking for her face.

 

Oh god, what can I say except this makes me feel so heartbroken, just this sentence. I can only imagine....but how alive her face still is, in you. Her face, in your heart, will always be alive.

[stella74]

I would really, right now, focus as much as you possibly can on each day, just as you have been, being very aware of not zooming ahead or zooming backward, but bringing yourself to just "today." Make it TODAY each day, as best you can

 

That's really great advice TOV. One day at a time. Stay in the present. It really helps.

 

I can't believe I am approaching four months, I can't believe I have made it this far...

The holidays are going to be hard. : / We will get through somehow......So much love to you.

 

You've come so far too, Mellybelly. I'm glad you and Dagless can support each other during your tough times. Love to you both (and to you too TOV).

[raining.stars]

Because this is about "celebrating" that you made it through the toughest year of your life, that you made it through a year of deep sorrow and incalculable loss, and are here to still grab ahold of life and feel grateful for loving. It's about that as much as it is losing her. That you survived losing her.

 

Great quote ToV, I never thought about it that way but it is true we are making it through the toughest year of our lives, that we can still see the beauty in the world even though it was cruely taken from us, even if at times we want to give up and the pain is unbearable. it is a miracle that we survived and can still see such love without become completely embittered! I have to remember this when Im feeling hopeless! I get excited about these lightbulb moments. lol. Thankyou (hugs) love love

will be ok in the end Im sure of it melly and dags! hugs

[tiredofvampires]

You've come so far too, Mellybelly. I'm glad you and Dagless can support each other during your tough times. Love to you both (and to you too TOV).

 

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and comments, stella. Yes, melly, too, you've really been quite a champion in all this, because even though you are in the very early stages of all this, I mean it hasn't even been a half year for you, you are every day showing up for life, and trusting that by being here, something will come out of this.

 

I think a lot of life is about that...and that means a lot coming from me because I have, despite an idealistic nature, often very much doubted the word "faith." Faith means believing something sight-unseen could happen good for us after all, or that we will turn unseen corners to stumble upon blessings that we never imagined could occur. Even in the face of disaster, those possibilities exist. I think not knowing the future is one of the greatest agonies human beings experience, but it is also the greatest kindness and "test" for us that we don't know it and can't see it. By the same token that we fear it, we don't know what amazing things may in fact be lying in store for us.

 

Having said that, life is a TOTAL roulette table. It's a gamble. It could go infinite ways. And somehow, we have to find that core within us that can say, "Whatever path I am lead down, I will stay open to what is happening and see where the hidden messages here are, for me." To not make a waste out of anything, even suffering and pain. That's the only reason I hang on sometimes, it's like my life vest.

 

Melly and Dags, you both sparkle with the reason love was invented in the first place.

 

Love to you two, and to you, stella as well. Great to see you here, posting.

[tiredofvampires]

Great quote ToV, I never thought about it that way but it is true we are making it through the toughest year of our lives, that we can still see the beauty in the world even though it was cruely taken from us, even if at times we want to give up and the pain is unbearable. it is a miracle that we survived and can still see such love without become completely embittered! I have to remember this when Im feeling hopeless! I get excited about these lightbulb moments. lol. Thankyou (hugs) love love

will be ok in the end Im sure of it melly and dags! hugs

 

Oh, I'm so glad that struck a chord for you, CC dear! I love those lightbulbs, too!!

 

And you know what one is for me? Sometimes, when I am down in the worst of the depths, and I mean I can't cry anymore, the tears are drying on my cheeks and I feel I can't move anymore because I don't really want to...and everything feels so broken I don't think I can stand another day, that I'm only surviving and not "living"...it's then that sometimes I get a lightbulb moment. And that is sometimes, this: "Everything is happening the way it should. There is nothing here that is supposed to be any different, otherwise the universe would have ordained it be. It's all okay already. I don't like it because my mind is wired to hate this, but the truth is that it is all okay, all of it, just the way it is. I release myself of the idea that this isn't supposed to be happening or is wrong."

 

I know that sounds extremely radical, but that echoes a bit what you have said, CC. And it's rather a shocking thing to utter to someone in deep grief, and there's a time NOT to say that...but there is also a time to contemplate or at least consider that notion. And I think all of us do grapple with the attachments we have to the things we can never have back, and that is a horrible no-win situation that goes on in the mind and sometimes, it helps just to toy with the idea of letting it go, all go, just for a few seconds. I say this from my own experience, that that thought does help me suddenly feel a wave of quiet and calm, in the center of the storm.

 

And yes, CC..it IS a time to not just grieve but realize how very much a warrior, a brave soul you are to even be living through this!! And to every day say, "I've got to hand it to myself, look at what I'm getting through!" Feeling warm care for yourself in all this.

 

Love and love to you! (hugs)

[Dagless]

Thanks everyone for your love and support (((Hugs))) for all of ya.

I think it's what I needed to come back here as I think I've been trying to distract myself with other things that I just couldn't put my mind too.

 

You mean...kind of the calm before the storm?....

 

Not so much a calm ToV, but I see such a raging storm ahead that I don't feel the rain that is already falling but I know that what is coming I can't out run or distract myself from. What is coming I can not hide from, it lies ahead, waiting and I must greet him like an old friend and I do greet it because she is worth it, what we had is worth it.

 

It's important that we find our own truth, to find our own reasons to soldier on and believe in it.

[Dagless]

UGH, I have been feeling so empty at times lately, and honestly feel as if I am trying to rebel against this constant grieving, this constant longing for Michael, like my soul is just drained from it! (I think CC described it perfectly.)

But then a valve opens, and it is still raw and it still hurts so much....I can't believe I am approaching four months, I can't believe I have made it this far

 

Remember to be like water melly, just let it all flow. Try not to rebel against how you feel, it's just how you feel and no one would blame you for those feelings, it all wants to come out. It's all like waves, each high comes with a crash, every up cames down. Sometimes you just need to let them flow over you, other times you just need to ride them and let them take you to where they want you to go.

 

Just keep on getting through the days and the months will take care of themselves (((Hugs)))

[raining.stars]

What is coming I can not hide from, it lies ahead, waiting and I must greet him like an old friend and I do greet it because she is worth it, what we had is worth it.

 

It's important that we find our own truth, to find our own reasons to soldier on and believe in it.

 

I like this Dags

For some reason I can't give you and ToV any more rep points, cause you have to many already!

[raining.stars]

ToV such a wise soul, I feel like a lot of what you say is a lightbulb moment for me lol!

You are such a brave warrior too, I admire you so much what you have been through and can still offer such heartfelt advice and support. I had a dream with you the other night that I met you and you took me to group therapy! I feel thats what this is like a support group.

[KG]

We all soldier on in our own way. What's important is to realise that as we put another day behind us, we have been given a bit more strength to face what once seemed insurmountable.

 

Good luck to all of us!

[Dagless]

Today is 11 months. I feel okay but my mind has been little all over the place at times, like there is a thousand thoughts all going on at once. I have found it difficult to focus and as a result I have found it very difficult to post here.

 

I feel as though I'm in good stead for facing what comes next.

 

That journey starts today.

[mellybelly]

HUGS Dags.

Yesterday was four months for me.

 

I'm glad you are feeling in good stead for facing your journey! That's really good.

[Dagless]

HUGS Dags.

Yesterday was four months for me.

 

I'm glad you are feeling in good stead for facing your journey! That's really good.

 

Thanks melly (((hugs))) I've never tried to make a big deal about dates but emotions don't seem to see it that way.

 

The normal rules of time don't seem to apply when you are living through grief. Minutes, hours, days, months, they can all feel as long as each other depending on which moment you are in.

[KG]

"The normal rules of time don't seem to apply when you are living through grief. Minutes, hours, days, months, they can all feel as long as each other depending on which moment you are in."

 

Yes, you are so right.

[Dagless]

I remember an episode of Star Trek where the Enterprise was caught in some kind of vortex where they would be hit energy wave which would smash in to the ship. They would keep adding more power to the shields but the more they did the more violent the energy wave would hit them, almost destroying the ship. Only when they dropped their shields did the energy wave pass harmless through them.

Sometimes the things which we use to protect ourselves ends up hurting us even more.

 

This is what this site has been for me a place where I could drop my shields and be completely honest with myself. There was a time when, during my identity crisis, I didn’t know what part ‘Dagless’ played in who I was. It was only when I put a mask over Dagless and tried to make him perfect that I started to break down. It was like putting a cork in the exhaust pipe, I was blocking up which needed to come out, hiding which needed to be shown, not only to everyone on here but to myself.

 

The truth is horribly ugly at times and it’s important to me that Dagless remains MY truth. He is not one of the masks I wear, if anything he has been my mirror.

 

I guess what I'm saying to everyone who is going through something like I have gone through is that it is important to be truthful to yourself and let your feelings out or else they will end up shaking you apart.

No body is perfect we are all human and showing your humanity only brings us closer together.

[raining.stars]

Sometimes the things which we use to protect ourselves ends up hurting us even more.

 

The truth is horribly ugly at times and it’s important to me that Dagless remains MY truth. He is not one of the masks I wear, if anything he has been my mirror.

 

I guess what I'm saying to everyone who is going through something like I have gone through is that it is important to be truthful to yourself and let your feelings out or else they will end up shaking you apart.

No body is perfect we are all human and showing your humanity only brings us closer together.

 

Very insightful as always Dags, you speak the truth and are a great man. Sometimes the ugliness scares me and is long but I have to remember that it is part of the process and being human.

 

p.s. Dags loving your avatar, lol gave me a laugh!

[Dagless]

Very insightful as always Dags, you speak the truth and are a great man. Sometimes the ugliness scares me and is long but I have to remember that it is part of the process and being human.

 

p.s. Dags loving your avatar, lol gave me a laugh!

 

Thank you CC, it's just some people think that grief is a bad thing but I think not gieving for someone is much worse.

 

p.s. I'm glad my avatar made you smile.

[stella74]

You've grown a lot Dags. Sending you holiday cheer to go along with your Santa cap.