Dagless Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 When I first lost her I had to look at pictures I'd got, I don't know why. It was like I wanted to look at them, I had to feel those emotions. There was one point I was in our small computer room and it all got to much. The room just seemed to fill with my emotions, I just had to get out. It was all still very raw I really shouldn't have tried looking at them all. I,ve just been back to her house just to get some things. I thought it would be hard but the place just seemed so empty, I know she's not there. I won't go back again, that probably for the best. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hi Dagless, I just want to say I am so very sorry you are going through this. Remember she is, and will always be with you in your heart. It will probably take some time to be back to your normal self. Make sure you spend a lot of time with your family and friends. You should see someone to talk to. Like someone else said, they have many groups that have people you can talk to in the same situation as you. Again, I'm so sorry Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 I feared I'd have nightmares last night. I lay in bed with all kind of thoughts and images in my head but thankfully I didn't. I woke up about 5am this morning and when I went back to sleep I had a dream about her. I woke up twice but I just went back to dreaming about her again. They were nice dreams although the first one was confusing, they felt so real. When I woke up I held my pillow, it's the mornings I miss her the most. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I remember when my Dad died...I would have dreams too. Some were very strange, but others were just like I was sitting and having a conversation with him, as though he were still here. I treasured those dreams because it made me feel like he with me here with me in spirit. Link to comment
Georgio Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I also lost the love of my life 3 weeks ago. I was blessed to spent the last 12+ years of my life with a woman like her... Her name is Mary Ethne M.she was beautiful inside and out.. things happened so fast she died in my arms I felt her go... I can't put into word what I felt feel and I'm feeling. I do know that I miss her dearly it really hurts... I'm so lonely so scared lost and empty.... I’m also tired.... I can't believe she’s gone... she was so strong.... I never thought she would die.... I walk around our home calling her name smelling her clothes. we have 3 small dogs the girls miss her they wait by the door like they always do and it just rips me apart knowing that she’s not coming home to us ... what do I do know....? she was my universe my sun my moon now I’m just a black empty hole..... someone please tell me it's going to be O.K. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Georgio....I'm so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine what you and Dagless are going through right now. I really wish there was something that I could say to give you both comfort. I'm only able to give you my deepest and sincere sympathies. I think fate has brought you both to this site at this time...maybe you can help eachother just by talking to eachother and sharing what you're both going through. Grief counselling helped my Mom alot when my Dad passed away. Link to comment
Georgio Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 thank you greensleeves for your kind words and thoughts that helps me so much love your pic Link to comment
lostwithouthim Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Georgio & Dagless, So sorry to hear of your losses. I am in a similar situation--lost my partner of 8 years just over 4 months ago at age 39. On some levels it feels like it has been decades without him, on others it feels like it happened yesterday. After 3 1/2 months of mostly numbness and shock, I am just now truly feeling the pain and grieving. I was so bogged down with my own healing (we were both in the car when hit by a drunk driver) and now I'm in the last stretch with my physical therapy. I recently handed over some of the legal, financial and logistical 'leftovers' from the the last 3 months to a family member...3 days later I had an emotional meltdown and cried for almost 10 hours straight....just sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't think I could cry anymore and the flood gates just opened up. I find that I am now emotionally 'raw' and thinking about him so much more. I cry at the drop of a hat...a song, his favorite food on the grocery store shelf, seeing his shoes sitting on the floor of the closet, etc... I never know what will set it off. I just started seeing a counselor last week...I HIGHLY recommend it! In just one session I tapped into feelings and revelations I didn't know were there. You are not alone...I have felt exactly the same feelings you both describe...and still do. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Dagless (and Giorgio, and 15, and KG, and others in this plight, on this thread and forum), I can't say I would know where to begin expressing how sad I feel for you. How this story wrenches my heart, for your sake. I have not had my beloved die, so I can only attempt to imagine the feelings. As other posters have said, it is no where comparable to bring in an older person such as a parent dying, but I have had a glimpse of what you are experiencing since my father died over a year ago. Much of my life was determined by my relationship with my dad, for better and worse. He was a giant figure in my life, and when he died, while I was prepared for it and his time had come, much was left unsaid and lacking closure. I handled it better than what I thought I would but sometimes a tremendous wave of panic will hit me as I think about something, and realize I will never be able to ask him for his advice or reassurance again. It's a feeling much like being trapped on one side of a "wall", where this person can't hear you anymore. At least, those were and are my feelings. Not saying that the extent is anywhere near close, though. I'm so sorry you have to endure this pain and loss. My heart goes out to you. But as I take the time to read these stories in this forum, one thing keeps coming to me. I don't know if what I have to say is helpful or right...but what I hear in common in these stories is how much love and belonging there was in the relationship. How much devotion and care, and union in all ways. As I read the other forums, littered with the kinds of human loss and heartbreak that are more familiar to me, it occurs to me that you had something many people will not be fortunate enough to experience. Of course it is cruel, so very cruel to have it taken away like this, it seems so senseless, but the truth is that the love you experienced makes your heart a very blessed heart. So many people here are living lives they feel are devoid of love -- because of your gf, you know this is not the sad fate for you, that she still lives in your heart as a flame of very much alive energy called Love. That is the part she hasn't taken with her, and has left with you. And that, you will always have. All I'm saying is that the gift she gave you and that you shared is very much still alive, and still more than so many people have. You had something very dear that you lost, but some people here don't even have love to lose. I know this can't take away any bit of the pain, and I wouldn't dare to suggest that it should, but just for you to keep your focus on the blessing of Love and its Grace, and hold on to that in times of great need. Link to comment
MushroomGod Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I'm so sorry for this. Just reading this thread made me cry. Thats something I haven't done in years it seems. I feel for bruthas and if you need a shoulder do not hesitate to send a PM. I don't know how I would react to something like this. I love you guys and hope you'll start to feel better soon. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 I just want to say thank you to everyone for everything you've said, all your word help. I had a really bad day yesterday, I don't know if it was down to those dreams or not. I just felt kind of sick, just horrible. I have a shelf in my room which i had a couple of pictures of us, I decided to take them down. Not permenatly I'll put them back up again when I feel I have the strenght to look at them. I just felt like I was torturing myself. Georgio, I've done that. I held a set of pyjamas so I could smell her, I broke my heart doing it but I admit I've done it more than once. I went out walking were we went on that Sunday. I don't know if i went to look for her or what, I did it in a bit of a daze. Knowing that they're gone is the hardest thing to take in, I'm still battling with what I know and what I feel. Link to comment
KG Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Dagless, Take it one hour at a time...celebrate getting past that hour, try to get through the next! We're here when you need us. KG Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks KG, there's been days I felt like a shadow just drifting along and time just seemed meaningless but yesterday I felt like an unstable emotional mess, I felt every hour it was horrible. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 I would rather feel those emotions than not. That day of numbness was worse, I felt hollow inside. I know there will be worse days to come but all I can do is take it, one day at a time. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I went back to work today, I couldn't stay around the house anymore. It was strange to say the lest. I work in a shop but the place seemed so quiet, even in the store. I was like "What, doesn't this place play music anymore, whats wrong with everybody?". If I didn't realise it before I realise it now, I am smack bang in the middle of the depression stage. The world and everyone in it seem two dimentional, I now see what RayKay ment by feeling "different" from her peers. People are talking to me and I'm just not intersted in what they're saying, it just all seems so meaningless. I can't stop thinking about her, I miss her so much and it hurts so deeply. It's like I've lost the one thing that ment everything to me and I can't get her back. All I've is cry today, I just need to let this happen stop being strong and just be human. I now this pain is only there because I love her and because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and now I can't do that it hurts like hell. I guess you never really know how you feel about anything till its to late. I need to stop trying to be a superman and just be a man, it's not pain but love turned in on its self I should embrace it for what it is. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Dagless..you're right...let it happen and just be human. It's good that you recognize the stages of grief. I hope that you will start to feel better soon, but just know that it will take time. I'm sorry you had a tough day. Link to comment
KG Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Dagless, I'm not one for meds, but when my new Doc saw me, 3 months after she died, he told me...you are going on A/D's...you have depression, so we're going to take the pressure off for a bit. Not happy pills, just to flatten out my wide range of emotions. 10mg Lexapro, which I am now weaning myself off of. You may want to consider...there is only so much the heart can handle. Ahain, PM me anytime! KG Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks guys, I just want to say that my last post was done in two parts. That second bit was put in about six hours later. In the first bit I was feelin really low, I was havin some really dark thoughts and I have to thank 15 storeys I read something he posted and it snapped me out of it. But later I realised something, that grief doesn't come from the situation or from other people or from some mystical force that makes you feel this way. It comes from inside yourself, I feel this way because I love her and now she's gone. The way I see love is like this: It's like an invisable bond, an emotional cord that ties you to all the people you love, to your Mother, Father, brother, sister, your lover even to your friends. The more powerful the love for each other the thicker and stronger the cord. Sometimes the cord is so thick that you almost become one person. Now when someone dies its like that cord is cut, the bond is torn from you and all those emotions that should be for someone else have nowhere to go but back the way they came, in to you. They rage in you like a storm, taking other forms like anger, regret, guilt. I realised last night that what I was feeling was love, love for her and just because she was gone doesn't mean I can't still love her. It was if the storm had subsided. I know that there aren't any blue skys yet, I'm not kidding myself but I know there will be a time. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Those are some really powerful realizations, Dagless. What you say makes complete sense to me, and I think it's really true. Love is something that we don't lose, no matter what else is happening in our outter circumstances. Love is yours, for keeps. Love for this person is for keeps. Love of what you shared is for keeps. Love for her spirit as it has affected you and continues to is for keeps. Lots of people are surrounded by love, but cannot take it in, due to myriad inner obstacles. You have that flowing in abundance, so while it is painful to love and have lost, as the great Alfred Lord Tennyson said, that old truism is as true as anything could be. Link to comment
KG Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Dagless, You summed it up perfectly... It explains why the pain is SO HEARTWRENCHING! Because that cord was so thick, and so tight, it's as being one! You and Storeys are inspirations to the written word! KG Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Thank you everyone for your replys and support. When I wrote that last post I feared everyone who read it would think I'd gone insane or something. It made me cry to realise that it made sense to people. tiredofvampires what you put was beautiful and some of it rings so true that made me cry on its own. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 Yeah, I'm doing ok. I've had a few upsets late last week due to other peoples actions. I don't really want to get in to all that ugly business here, lets just say some people are showing ther true colours. I'm just waiting for the funeral now, I'll be glad when that is over. At work today there were times I was lost in my own thoughts, close to tears at times. This week is going to be emotional I know. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Hard times truly do bring out people's true colors, Dagless. I have found that as well. You really learn who your true friends are, and who aren't. I know the funeral is going to be a hurdle. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong, buddy. You are really handling this with a lot of awareness and being good to yourself I think, in letting your emotions BE, without stuffing them. Crying is ALWAYS good. Keep that up, just what you're doing. ((hugs)) Link to comment
KG Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Dag, you have some tough times ahead, but keep her in your heart. She wants that, to keep you strong. KG Link to comment
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