My girlfriend died, just feel lost.

[WaterIsLife]

Very well articulated Dagless. I wish I had more to say but I think TOV said it better than I ever could!

[KG]

Hi Dagless,

 

Why don't you email me on me on email removed with your phone number. I'd like to chat to you properly - I'm a bit new with this forum thing so not sure what PM is

 

The story I'm doing is about Sudden Adult Death syndrome - so I wanted to interview you as someone who has been through this with a loved one. Email me if you feel it's someone you'd like to be involved with and I can tell you more about my magazine.

 

Catherinel,

We are kinda a tight group here, who like our anonyminity...writing about us may not be appropriate, due to our feelings. Please respect that....this is our window to others that have problems. With all respect...KG

[15 Storeys High]

Dagless.....I have three hero's on here (well, one is a heroine) and you are one of them. I wish I could deal with stuff the way you deal with it. You're so wise and intelligent, and logical....You're logical. I can't get that. My logic is all gone. And you're sensible. I'm so glad you aren't going the drinking too much way. It's a stupid way to go. You're doing good mate. She'd be proud of you. I hope you know that.

[tiredofvampires]

Yes, this is a very profound statement that you've said, Dagless --

 

there is no fight to be won with grief.

 

I think life often feels like a fight and sometimes it is. "Be a fighter!"

 

I think grief is survived, not through fighting though, and it is this feeling of life and circumstance being the enemy that makes it a battle, when it can simply be viewed as more like falling ill and requiring lots of TLC.

[Dagless]

Dagless.....I have three hero's on here (well, one is a heroine) and you are one of them. I wish I could deal with stuff the way you deal with it. You're so wise and intelligent, and logical....You're logical. I can't get that. My logic is all gone. And you're sensible. I'm so glad you aren't going the drinking too much way. It's a stupid way to go. You're doing good mate. She'd be proud of you. I hope you know that.

 

Thanks Storeys, that really means a lot. You are a hero to me too, knowing a little bit about what you've been through and that you are still standing. I think its amazing.

 

I was reading some quotes and some other stuff and I read something Bruce Lee said about “unnatural naturalness or natural unnaturalness”.

It’s like we have a pendulum inside of us, on one side we have control and pure logic and on the other we have pure emotion and natural instinct. Now if you have one extreme then you become like a robot or a “mechanical man” and to the other extreme you’ll be an emotional jumble. Of course the body protects itself and if the pendulum swings too far you get numbness.

 

During grief this pendulum swings all over the place and all logic goes out the window. I know there are times when I feel emotional and I write some poems and lyrics, sometimes I come on here and I can’t think and I can’t post anything.

Other times I find it easy to put my thoughts down and when I feel like that I try and get them down as quickly as possible because I never know when I’m going to lose the flow.

 

There are times I’m logical and other times I’m an emotional jumble. All I do is try not to think too much and cry it out.

[Dagless]

I've taken her picture down from the wall. I can't look at it anymore, it's just a constant reminder of what I've lost and just too painful to look at. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, I'm not really sure about a lot of stuff. I just want to say that’s that part of my life over, take from it what I want and move on.

I don't want to keep looking back at the decisions I had to make and wonder if I have done the right thing. I just want to say what’s done is done and move on, chapter closed. Time to write a new one.

[WaterIsLife]

It doesn't matter if it was the right thing. You did something, thats what matters. You can always look at the picture again. You can always hang it back up for a little while. There's nothing wrong with that and it wouldn't be a step backwards. Just a part of the process.

 

You'll always look back at decisions made. To do so is human.

[stella74]

Dagless, I haven't been able to read your thread until now. My heart is with you and I'm offering you my condolences. Hang in there. Whatever you need to do for yourself is good. You're going to be okay.

[Dagless]

It's just sometimes you have to make a decision because you can see what is going to happen in the future and you have to protect yourself and the ones you care about. I hate the c ircumstances but they are ones I have no control over.

I know I have made the right decision, it's just I wish I could have made a different one.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds a little cryptic but it really is a long story.

[stella74]

I understand. I read the whole thread. You are moving through your grief and you're going to be okay. It's good you keep posting here. It takes a lot of courage.

[WaterIsLife]

Agreed. It does take a lot of courage. And a lot of times things might not seem to make much sense to anyone other than you. But keep posting them. Keep getting your thoughts out and keep expressing yourself. Not just here, but to those around you too. You might be surprised also, even things that seem cryptic may very well be understandable to others particularly around here!

[greensleeves]

Dagless, there's no right or wrong, only what's right for you. It sounds like you are moving ahead as best as you're able and I think it was a positive step.

[tiredofvampires]

Dagless, I think what you did was a very brave thing, and a sign that you are not stagnating. Just not stagnating itself is a brave thing, no matter how that gets expressed. "Forward" movement is being able to reassess a situation and see where you stand, and go with whatever new thing is arising, whatever that may be.

 

I always admire how clearly you are thinking, that you are a heart as well as good head on your shoulders -- in what I see as one of the most balanced people I've ever known in that regard. It's truly inspiring!

 

I think this is quite healthy, what you are doing. Not that it would be unhealthy to keep it around, but if it is continuing to keep you in a place that you are no longer at, then it's healthy to keep going with that momentum.

 

And yes, you are totally free to look at her picture any time you wish. There is something so reassuring to know that you can come back to it if/when you have need. You are not removing her from your heart by putting it away, for safe keeping now.

[Dagless]

Her picture wasn't down long. It looked a little sad, that empty space on the wall. There's so many other things to remind me anyway.

What is really strange is that there are posts on here I have writen though tears and madness and I've thought no one will make any sense out of that but when I've gone back and read them they sound quite rational. Scary

[tiredofvampires]

Her picture wasn't down long.

 

So is it back up?...

 

I think having a record like this thread is an amazing chronicle of the many turns in the road in the road for you. And from the outside, we can see how very much sense it all makes, and has been making, but while in the thick of emotions, most people can't see beyond their own hand, if that. Looking back to see how far you've come will affirm many things to you.

[Dagless]

Yeah, I had two photographs. One in a frame on the wall (that one is back up) and one I had out loose. I put both of them away but I got the framed one back out again. What I really want to leave behind is the thoughts of what happened to her, just horrible and the things said by nasty, insensitive people and I bit my tongue at the time because I didn't want to start any trouble. I know it was the right thing to do at time but it doesn't stop me wishing that I had really let them have. All the misery they caused that girl, she didn't deserve it. She deserved to be happy and they wouldn't let her.

 

I hate the injustice of it all.

[Dagless]

I can't do this anymore, I can't go on living without her. I just want to lie here and die. The pain is just too much I can't stop crying, I've got nothing left in me.

 

I'm going to sleep now, I hope I dream about her and never wake up

[15 Storeys High]

I hope you woke up. And I hope that moment has passed. Someone here said to someone else....I can't remember names....but they said that the gaps between the moments when you think you can't carry on will get longer and longer. That they'll always be there but eventually they'll become sparse and infrequent. So I suppose that you just have to keep going to let that happen. You made her happy. That's all you have to remember.

[Dagless]

Oh boy, bad night last night. I was fine all day went to bed about 12 and then I just broke down. I cried solidly for over an hour and a half. Just lying on bed wanting to die. I haven't felt like that for weeks, new fears creeping in I guess, new self doubts. Sometimes I just feel so worthless. Confidence has a tendency to abandon you, leaving you alone with your paranoia that seems to take great delight in telling you nasty things, showing you false futures of misery and loneliness.

[stella74]

I hope you're feeling better today.

 

I read somewhere that self esteem drops drastically when one experiences a severe loss. So one of the steps in moving through grief is regaining confidence.

[Dagless]

Yeah I am feeling better thanks. I've got the week off work this, using up some holiday time. Too much time on my hands, too much time to think about things. My mind gets a little clouded at times.

[KG]

Dagless,

That is the worst time for me, when I have too much time on my hands, it sets the mind in gear! One reason I'm apprehensive about vacation in April.

[Dagless]

I feel like I'm going a little stir crazy. I've been out for a walk but it hasn't done the trick I don't know if I want to cry or what.

[tiredofvampires]

Hey, since you have time off, why don't you take yourself to the movies as a treat...I used to do that, love sitting in a dark movie theater watching films that would engage me when I was feeling terribly antsy about a problem, and when I was getting over losses. Sometimes diversion can be a real godsend. A harmless reprieve like that has done wonders for me. I have my favorite arthouse theater that shows old movies and foreign films and edgy indies, and at one point in time, I was going to a different show every day, just to be able to laugh and cry over something on a screen that wasn't my own story.

 

Or even just rent something.

 

I don't see this as escape because you are still doing the hard work of facing things every day.

 

Yes, definitely time to think and not be distracted is a double-edged sword.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better though, overall.

[Dagless]

Today has been very strange. Felt a little down this morning but not to bad, had a driving lesson and this afternoon I have been laughing (be it at my own jokes but hey you have to start somewhere) I've laughed until I've cried. It's been a long time since I've laughed like that. It feels good.

 

I love films, it's great sometimes just to switch your mind off and just watch something.