My girlfriend died, just feel lost.

[wildflower_65]

So many plans, dreams, and aspirations we had together, knowing now that they will never materialize. Its like a dagger through my heart. Life just seems cruel and ironic sometimes. One week your the happiest person in the world with a wonderful person who you love with all your soul by your side and the next week your lonely, miserable, and feeling like your soul has been ripped out of you.

 

I can identify with your words. I find thoughts of future plans and the suddeness of it all both very difficult at the moment. The words of people like Dagless, KG and others who have been through the same and are emerging from it give me something to hang on to.

[Standing alone]

Dagless

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story touched my heart. It is hard for anyone to understand the emptiness one feels inside until they have lost someone they love. I hope that over time you have healed....I think that once we have lost someone we love we are never the same. But....I also know that it doesn't end our ability to love again and feel again. But that also is something that comes in time. I am new to this web site but my eyes water and tear up as I read the stories....loosing people we love is one of the hardest things we will have to deal with in our lifetime and I believe that sites like this help to heal....being able to reach out to others for advice and just being able to vent our feelings....that is good for our insides to let some emotion out....so take care of yourself and I wish you the best of everything and I hope the sun shines down on you today and everyday.

[Dagless]

Thank you Standing alone. It has been almost 23 months for me and as each month has gone by I have felt lighter and lighter. I have reached the point now where I feel as if I can move on and feel something for someone else but that too is bringing its far share of confusing emotions but, as I have always done, I take it as it comes. The heart has to be open to heal, there are parts to it that can not be reached alone.

 

((Hugs)) to you all.

[KG]

"there are parts to it that can not be reached alone."

 

This is so true Dags. Be it friends, family, anew person in your life, they all contribute, whether they know it or not. It helps make us whole again.

 

Good luck mate. I see the change...for certain.

KG

[PsychGirly]

Hey Dagless,

 

I've always followed up on your thread, & it's been really difficult for me, because I also lost my father a few years ago to a heart attack.

 

I know losing a parent is something almost everyone experiences at one point or another, it's really difficult when you're so young, and when you're left with so many questions.

 

My dad died alone in his home from a heart attack. He had been dead for approx. 72 hours, and nobody had known. They couldn't determine why he had a heart attack. He had serious amounts of cocaine & alcohol in his system, & he was a smoker, so I'm sure all of that contributed to it.

 

He led a pretty miserable life. I can't even have comfort in knowing that he made the best of the 43 years that he lived. He had a horrible childhood. His parents neglected him & he always felt like he was the only one out of the 5 kids that wasn't loved. When he married my mom, he was doing fine for a year or two, until they had me. He started using drugs & things just got worse as the years went by. He became abusive, first towards my mother, then me & my sister.

 

They divorced in 97, & I slowly grew apart from him. As I grew older, I realized who he had become, & as sad as it is, I didn't want to know him.

 

In 2000, he got into an accident on the night of my birthday. He was high off cocaine & had alcohol in his system, & he had crashed into the center divider on the freeway. He was in a coma for 5 days, & I thought I was gonna lose him. I remember visiting him everyday, running my hands through his hair, holding his hand, & begging him to not leave me. When he woke up from his coma, I remember crying and holding him saying "You're not dead, you're not dead..."

 

Now he is dead, & I have had to spend the last 5 years of my life sorting out my emotions, and making sure I heal properly. It's been a really bumpy road, & I'm not the same person that I was 5 years ago, but I'm still working on it.

 

"The heart has to be open to heal, there are parts to it that can not be reached alone." This really touched me, because I experienced it firsthand. I remember always wanting to be alone the first few months after his death. I didn't want to talk to anyone, & that was just my way of healing. I was still angry at him, and feeling guilty about not being able to say goodbye. I hated myself for not sensing that something was wrong, but I came to realize that I couldn't have done anything to change what happened. I was lucky enough to have people around who worked really hard to tear down the wall I had built. I began healing the moment I started sharing my emotions with others, & not caring if they will judge. They reached parts of my heart that not only could I not reach, but that I never knew existed.

 

I can feel the pain you have felt, & can feel what you're going through.

 

I wish you all patience, because time is key when it comes to healing, & like other posters mentioned, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[tiredofvampires]

Dags...I love seeing your updates on this thread, which has been such a "map of the human heart"...and a guide for so many in troubled waters, too...it's always so good to know of your progress. And how you feel more room opening in your heart, to be able to imagine another.

 

No one will ever take the place of the ones who are gone. EVER.

 

But that's not the point of loving again. Allowing yourself to love again is your birthright. As a plant continues to need water to keep living, so we continue needing love -- in all its faces, and to its greatest potential -- to keep living.

 

As long as we are given life to live on this earth...we deserve to know and experience love.

 

We all deserve to love again and again. To add to our hearts what has already been planted there. Because love doesn't belong to any one person or any one time. As much as those we've loved remain precious to us.

 

Love is just what we are made of, asking to be expressed. Keep welcoming the confusion as part of the healing and advancement.

 

((Hugs))

[wohoo]

I loved her a lot, she loved me twice as much. Its been an year, we were together for 4 and one day she was just gone. No goodbyes, no kiss, no fights, nothing..just a car crash.

 

Every day since then has been painful, I wait in the the hope that time would heal it but it just keeps on getting worse. I breath, I eat, I laugh, I socialize, I just don't feel. I've done everything I can - gotten rid of every picture, email, common friends, city , everything that would bring back her memory but I just can't

[Dagless]

I loved her a lot, she loved me twice as much. Its been an year, we were together for 4 and one day she was just gone. No goodbyes, no kiss, no fights, nothing..just a car crash.

 

Every day since then has been painful, I wait in the the hope that time would heal it but it just keeps on getting worse. I breath, I eat, I laugh, I socialize, I just don't feel. I've done everything I can - gotten rid of every picture, email, common friends, city , everything that would bring back her memory but I just can't

 

I'm sorry you are going through his wohoo but memories don't come from the outside, you can't hide them away or runaway from them. They are always there, inside and it's that which you have to face. You need to look at her pictures and emails and her stuff and you have to feel the pain that doing those things causes. If you don't it will aways be there inside of you waiting to be felt.

[Deana]

I know how you feel and its not a feeling that I dont wish any1 to have to except.. I am 28 years old and I have 3 daughters.. coming out of an 8 year abusive relationship with their biological father I felt alone and scared.. After 6 months I met a funny attractive all around wonderful man I became friends with that friendship grew into a 6 year relationship. He was not only my best friend and the 1 person that truly got me but. Since my kids father was no longer around at all he was a daddy to my 3 girls.. On August 25th 2009 he went to work and i got a call saying he was in the hospital and I needed to get there as soon as possible... I was so scared and people convinced me he just had a heat stroke and they would give him IV fluid and i would be able to take him home.. When i got there the doctor took me and my 6 year old into a small room and told me i needed to contact all of the family he had a heart attack with a 108.5 temp. and only a 5% chance of making it.. He was on life support for a cuple of days..In full organ failure and brain swelling.. We had to take him off the ventolator..On August 27th 2009 he passed away with me by his side I kissed him right before he took his last breath..His face,smile laugh,voice and everything about him is in my head on a daily basis..I have not had a job dropped out of school and just cant figure out how to make things better..My little girls lost their daddy and I lost the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..

[HeartSounds]

Dagless, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 26 years old and I lost my mother a few months ago in a very unexpected and sudden manner. In addition, my gf has cancer that is life threatening right now. All I can say is that I know what it's like losing someone you love so much. Their laugh, smile, voice, presence and personality is all so easily missed and longed for. However, those things aren't important. What's important (to me at least) is who that person was and what they stood for. Those are the things that should be remembered and focused on.

Also just take it easy man, it really does get better with time. You'll never forget and never stop mourning, but with time it gets easier and you'll be able to function again. If you need anything at all just send me a message. I'll be thinking of you.

[emptyshell]

I lost my soulmate to a stroke on March 15th this year and I have no clue how to carry on. She always told me that if she lost me she would die. I moved away from her temporarily and I guess she thought I was leaving her for good and she began drinking more and stopped taking care of herself. She was an alcoholic and had diabetes. I came to visit her and she was hallucinating. So I carried her to the ER. Three days later she was recovering but then had a stroke in the hospital next to her brain stem and could no longer breathe on her own. After three weeks on a respirator her family took her off of life support and I held her hand and told her that I loved her dearly and watched as she quickly faded away. We were not even together for a year, but we had a special connection like I have never experienced before. I cry every day and can't stop thinking about her. She was my whole world for short period of time. She was a true soulmate but would not get the help she needed to stop drinking. Now I am left alone in this world confused and hurt and no one to talk to about it. I can't explain the pain I feel!! But I bet some people here know it.

[Dagless]

I'm sorry to hear that emptyshell. I know how badly you must be hurting right now, you cry all you need to for as long as you need to. It all takes time, you just give yourself however long you need.

[emptyshell]

Thank you, Dagless. Most of the time I can deal with it, but there are times when I feel like I am going to go crazy. I have had some counselling but they always say the same thing, you know , that it just takes time. It doesn't really help much but I know it is true. I've also been told to try to keep myself busy to get her off of my mind but, you know as well as I do that there are memory triggers around every corner. I will be just fine in time though. This is just one of those curves in life that you just don't anticipate.

[simplethings]

I've just read this from start to finish and it's quite strange to see such a transformation in a person so quickly when reading it like that.

 

I lost the guy I loved very much recently. The biggest issue for me is that I don't have the usual 'boyfriend'/'girlfriend' excuse. I already loved him as one of my best friends, and had grown to fall in love with him too - I just hadn't told him yet. The thing was (though I have no way of knowing) that I felt almost certain in my heart he felt the same way. We were slowly starting to open up more about our feelings, and I have never been more myself with anyone than I was him. I was stupidly sure(although some of our friends thought so too) that we were going to become more, we'd got to that stage where you can't be any closer as friends and its all about to happen...and it was so exciting The last time I felt that way about someone, feeling he shared those feelings was also a close friend and we ended up being together for over 3 years. It happened very suddenly and now I feel like I never got to have that time with him that I should've, not to mention that regret of not telling him(although for some reason I felt like we both already knew). I've never had a connection as strong as that with anyone else. Aside from never knowing what might've happened between us, I am most devastated about the fact that he will never get to live his life. He had some wonderful dreams he was just beginning to fulfil(although he had the take each day as it comes attitude) and such a unique outlook on the world...I try to follow it as best I can and live my life similarly - and feel good about that. I've been doing relatively well, and to the outside world I probably seem fine...as fine as any of his other friends. But noone knows how deeply I felt for him, they just know we were 'close'.

 

I usually do okay, but think about him a lot...everything seems to have a link to him. Even thinking people look like him, sound like him, walk like him! This week has been the worst...just when I think I'm doing better, I 've spent most of today(after work, where I appeared fine) crying and feeling hollow inside.

[Dagless]

Hi Simplethings, I hope that reading through this thread has helped you in some way, maybe given you a bit of understanding of what you are feeling right now. I always said that you have to give yourself permission to feel the way you do because it is okay to feel hollow no matter what your relationship was with him. You feel how you feel. If you need to cry then it's okay to cry.

[Dagless]

I know that it's not quite 3 years yet but I'm back at work tomorrow and I wanted to write something here and I was afraid I wouldn't have time or the energy to do so later in the week.

It's so strange to think it's been 3 years. Sometimes it feels longer but others it is difficult to comprehend that it has been so long. I feel good, I feel okay. Emotionally I think I'm sturdier than I have ever been in my life but I have noticed one thing. Recently I have been trying to push myself to get out there a little more, just to open up and make new friends but I have found that I only let people in so far. In everyday friendships this is fine but for relationships it means that I thwart them before they begin.

This is not because of some fear of moving on or a feeling of betrayal to Lisa or anything like that. I think I have grown so fearful of losing something that I am afraid to have it.

 

There are still obstacles to overcome even after all this time. The journey continues.

[tiredofvampires]

That's totally and completely understandable, given what you've been through, Dags. But you know that. It's the "what to do with it" that's the kicker.

 

As in all the other stages and emotions, there's no forcing this issue out of yourself. And I feel fully confident in you that in time...you'll break down this innermost wall as well. It's really good that you're clear this isn't about feeling like you're betraying her, or a fear of moving on. That's really quite an advanced frame of mind you're in. It's good you can identify what exactly ARE the issues.

 

One thing that really helps me is meditation. You don't formally need to do it to understand some key concepts, though. (And I'd highly recommend the bestseller, "The Power of Now", by Eckhart Tolle.) The basic ideas behind the schools of thought that run closest to my affinities are Buddhist. The core of Buddhist thought is that life causes us pain because we either cling to what we want (craving) or push away what we don't (aversion), and the nature of human suffering is a swinging back and forth between these polarities of thought. The goal being to recognize that since nothing is fixed or unchanging, it's impossible to apply these states of mind to reality and hope for something. The fear of losing (which is the extension of craving and clinging) arises when we are not able to fully let go into the truth that nothing can be clung to, because everything is subject to change. Continually meditating and reminding oneself that life IS change keeps bringing us back to the fact that fear of loss is just a clouded state where we are not open at that time to the acceptance of impermanence. Impermanence being a governing law. When that cloud cover clears, and we are fully able to accept the nature of impermanence, the radiance and clarity, the open-hearted peace of taking life on its terms without fear is then possible. Freedom from this fear is about, centrally, accepting that nothing we have or find will remain just as it is, and the beauty is that knowing how or when that will change is not necessary to embrace life and take things into our heart to love.

 

Being in the present moment means that the fear of futurity is no longer relevant.

 

Much easier talked about than done, I know. But when bringing the mind into alignment on these principles, I feel a lot of peace and freedom, myself. It's like a feeling of things inside just having gotten more spacious and allowing. Living today means accepting whatever tomorrow will bring. And not hoping or asking for certain conditions to be met.

 

You're in my thoughts a lot, and my heart, too, Dags.

 

I hope you have a wonderful New Year with new breakthroughs and progression...and at this very somber and reflective time, know that you've accomplished some major life missions. Loving and healing.

 

(((HUGS FOREVER)))

[alphaomega]

It's unreal to read this. So many of the emotions you expressed in your posts are almost exactly how I feel and have felt dealing with my recent loss. I feel for you bro.

[KG]

Dags,

I know the feeling. I thought I'd never open up my heart again, so much to lose, again.

 

But the right woman walked into my life, and my barriers started coming down, albeit slowly. But I couldn't deny my feelings. I confided in a lot of close friends, here, and in 3-D, to make sure I wasn't trying to replace my wife. My grief hadn't ended, but a new part of life was waiting. And this was just under 3 years as well.

It's natural, you've come a long, long way, buddy.

KG

[libra888]

I just read alot of the pages of your thread...Its good to see you have kept this journal for over 3 years now...My boyfriend just died Jan 28th. (MY mom and brother died a few years ago) he helped me get through their deaths which still depress me to this day....It really affected my life alot, and he was my dream guy who told me "everything will be ok" etc, hes the only person i really talked to, and now it feels like the end of the worrld, i never expected him to die especially not this early, he was 31. All i do is cry, at first i was like a zombie and couldnt sleep for over a week, so i went to the DR and they gave me meds, but im still so depressed and just cry all day.

[Dagless]

It’s been 4 years since I created this thread just 5 days after my girlfriend died. In a few months I will be as old as she was when she died and that feels weird. In the early hours of the 4th I dreamt about her in the first time in ages. She would have been 36 yesterday, I didn’t really think about it much.

 

Four years is a long time. The strange thing is I have found the healing never really stops. I feel better now than I did 6 months ago. I think that after so long of always having an underlining sadness you can forget how good happiness can feel. So when the sadness subsides it’s like finding new heights and depths to everything. I look back now to how I have felt over these past four years and I can’t believe how insane some of the times were. Some days it felt like I was losing my mind. Anger was another thing, I’ve had to learn to forgive a lot. Forgive myself.

 

What’s that saying “You live and learn” well, I’m still learning. So I guess now, after four years I am learning to open myself up to love and trying to resist the argue to push it away like I have done for so long.

[IRefuseToSink]

I'm so beyond sorry for your loss. You'll be in my prayers tonight. You sound like a wonderful person...and I know you'll be able to pull through this and end with a smile on your face. I'm sure she would love that..

 

Those four years must've been hell. But look how far you've come. You're gonna make it.

[Dagless]

Thanks Sink, It has been very tough at times but I keep going, learning and growing.

[oceandream]

 

What’s that saying “You live and learn” well, I’m still learning. So I guess now, after four years I am learning to open myself up to love and trying to resist the argue to push it away like I have done for so long.

 

Thankyou so much Dags for posting, I am feeling very similar right now. Especially the last post in your journal quoted below, it's is exactly how I'm feeling right now and you put it into words so well.

 

It all feels a bit like the devil and the deep blue sea at the moment: I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with someone either. I convince myself that I don’t want love because really I do and I’m afraid I won’t find it.

 

 

I guess it all comes down to emotion investment. What are you willing to put in, what are you willing to risk? If you don’t invest in someone then how do you expect then to ever invest in you? It’s just so hard, when you have lost so much, to risk it all again on something that is so uncertain.

[siegfriedso]

just had same experience as you couple days ago.

hope that i can get through this..