Damned if ya do; damned if ya don't

[need2bme]

Ever feel like whatever you are going to do when you get back in a relationship, is not gonna work?

 

What I mean by that is, being scared that the person you choose will end up doing some of the same things your ex did (attack, find things wrong with you, leave you and break your heart, basically blame it on you) OR because you feel this way OR because of insecurities, you actually end up DOING things to make your new person WANT to leave.

 

It is like an endless circle, if you think of it that way.

 

I try to believe that if I can be hurt like this, then I have the capacity to love deeply. I try to believe that if I let this, it can be a valid learning experience to help me grow and grow up.

 

I try to believe that when I get in another relationship, that it will be great, because I would not have traded the last relationship for anything, even after being hurt...

 

...but, there is always that lingering feeling of "damned if ya do and damned if ya don't, 'cause it is all gonna get screwed up eventually, anyway."

[revitalized]

I had the same feeling as you man. But the only way we know is by trying. Without trying you will only end up thinking about your ex. You just have to have the right mindset and just have a stand as a person. What I mean by that is that when you meet new people, just express yourself and be yourself as a person.

 

So if you meet a girl you like she will like you for who you are. If the girl is too busy picking out your flaws then you will know right? The worst thing to do after a horrible breakup is to curl ourselves up into a ball and be afraid to meet new people.

[JeckyllNHyde]

That's really great advice revitalized..

I feel the same way as you btw need2bme.

And I'm dating someone right now.

You know what's funny. That one thing we have in common with our exes is that we were both sorta "rebounds". This is the first time in a long time that someone hurt me so bad even though it wasn't a long "relationship" or we didn't date for long. Makes me wonder how much this has to do with the way you/I feel.

Lately I have been feeling quite scared to get into any relationship. I don't know if it's fear of things not working out.. But after being hurt I suddenly feel like "what's the point of relationships anyway??"

[circi]

I know exactly what you mean.

It took me literally 10yrs to let myself open up again. Look where it got me! I'm terrified it will take me another 10yrs to be able to try once more!

[need2bme]

That's really great advice revitalized..

I feel the same way as you btw need2bme.

And I'm dating someone right now.

You know what's funny. That one thing we have in common with our exes is that we were both sorta "rebounds". This is the first time in a long time that someone hurt me so bad even though it wasn't a long "relationship" or we didn't date for long. Makes me wonder how much this has to do with the way you/I feel.

Lately I have been feeling quite scared to get into any relationship. I don't know if it's fear of things not working out.. But after being hurt I suddenly feel like "what's the point of relationships anyway??"

 

What you have written above is so true. In a weird sorta way, it makes me feel better knowing that someone is as hurt as I am and knows exactly what it feels like to be a rebound.

 

I just feel that she was all into me one minute and then the next, she was gone. Sure I ignored red flags, but I figured it would just take time for us.

 

I am just a little gun shy.....but I don't know, just having that type of relationship gone, actually adds to insecurities...ya know?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What often seems to happen is that people do end up experiencing the same kind of things in different relationships..even if they thought they had chosen a different sort of person. For example, how many people have had an ex cheat on them...then they enter the new relationship, have trouble trusting, do tell the new partner about the bad experience they had and how it devastated them...and then suddenly the new person cheats on them as well....so telling someone how you have been hurt in the past seems to propel them to do it to you as well!

[need2bme]

Cheating is such a dastardly thing. If he was gonna cheat, he was gonna cheat. My thought is once a cheat, always a cheat. Treating someone that way is usually a sign of something else and most of the time, it is about control.

 

What I am talking about is a fear in oneself, either about them or the relationship. Doubts creep in and you start to see stuff that isn't even there.

 

I try to reframe things or look at what happened around an incident and question my feelings, but they just come out.

 

I am just afraid that being scared will ruin whatever chance I have the next time.

 

Hey, maybe I will wait until I am no longer scared, oh, like forever...

[circi]

For example, how many people have had an ex cheat on them...then they enter the new relationship, have trouble trusting, do tell the new partner about the bad experience they had and how it devastated them...and then suddenly the new person cheats on them as well....so telling someone how you have been hurt in the past seems to propel them to do it to you as well!

 

 

I think that's more because there are so many cheaters in the world and not so much having to do with what propels someone to cheat.

 

I do totally agree to being drawn towards a certain type of personality in general though.

[sandyv]

I myself feel caught in a relationship spiral.... it all seems to play itself out, pretty much like a story you would read.... and then somehow its all over.... just to happen again...

 

So the short answer is yep "Damned if You Do, Damned If You Don't"

[buckdawg]

i know what you're talking about. my wife fits the 'walkaway wife' description to a tee and that's one of those things you just don't see coming. they keep all the stuff inside until BOOM!! they're out the door.

 

i'm not the most thoughtful guy in the world. i suck at giving presents, planning surprise parties, etc. and i think that really bothered her. she needed those types of things to feel loved and i couldn't do it. that piled on the crap was too much for her.

[thinkstoohard]

What often seems to happen is that people do end up experiencing the same kind of things in different relationships..even if they thought they had chosen a different sort of person. For example, how many people have had an ex cheat on them...then they enter the new relationship, have trouble trusting, do tell the new partner about the bad experience they had and how it devastated them...and then suddenly the new person cheats on them as well....so telling someone how you have been hurt in the past seems to propel them to do it to you as well!

 

Interesting point. How do you think this is overcome? Do you not tell things about past relationships to new partners?

[Wandering_Sword]

Interesting point. How do you think this is overcome? Do you not tell things about past relationships to new partners?

 

I wouldn't bother unless it came up in conversation. I wouldn't want to talk about a past relationship if it has no bearing on my current relationship. I'm assuming all of this based on someone that had time to reflect on themselves and their former partner.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Interesting point. How do you think this is overcome? Do you not tell things about past relationships to new partners?

 

It is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. I have noticed when going on dates that some men are very nosy and on a first date are talking about all their past relationships and then asking questions about yours. So if you don't tell, they think you are hiding something...if you do tell then they can store this information for future use against you. I don't know what the answer is.

[JeckyllNHyde]

What you have written above is so true. In a weird sorta way, it makes me feel better knowing that someone is as hurt as I am and knows exactly what it feels like to be a rebound.

 

I just feel that she was all into me one minute and then the next, she was gone. Sure I ignored red flags, but I figured it would just take time for us.

 

I am just a little gun shy.....but I don't know, just having that type of relationship gone, actually adds to insecurities...ya know?

 

Yea, I know what you mean about it weirdly making you feel better. Lots of my threads which I start here lol I gotta admit, is b/c I feel alone in certain things.

So I get a bit worried. And maybe more scared to meet guys. I wonder if I have some deep issues or it's due to certain circumstances and most people would react in the same way (or close) to the way I did. It makes me think that I will be ok in the end, probably even BETTER then just OK just knowing I'm not alone.

 

I also experienced that whole "into me one minute (MORE into me then I was into him actually... or so it seemed?) and then later not so much" all of a sudden.

Being hurt so bad, and thereforeee being put in THEIR (the exes) shoes a few months later, made me see it from their point though. So in a way that's good. (=experience)

I went thru that being hurt fase and almost making someone else MY rebound.

 

And so I got to see things in a way from my exes point of view: I think even though it seemed he was completely into me one minute, looks had deceived me. Yea sure there may have been moments he was, but for him to bail out quick, and probably go back to the ex, it indicates to me that he was having doubts along the whole way. I say this from experience; I felt this way recently.

I'm dating a guy now, things are great. But 2 months ago when I just met him, boy was I one big confused mess!! He was so sure I was the right girl for him and we hadn't even kissed, and he kept saying only good things about me.

Me??--> Hurt... Unsure what the point of getting to know this new guy was?... Wondering if anyone could match up to the ex (I ended up finding someone BETTER. Unsure if I even needed anyone in my life... Thinking to myself: I don't see any thing great in this guy, why should I? I survived another break up and am ok on my own. Why do I even need someone?... I knew he did have good qualities though and I would be kicking myself later.

 

But basically I just went real slow. Didn't get myself into any type of commitments. I'm lucky though in a way the guy didn't walk the other way though.

But there where lots of times I thought... I need more time alone, I should have taken more time.

 

I think with each month I make progress (I am over the ex, but just when I think I am completely over him, I make more progress and I realise I wasn't; just reminiscing(sp?) about that "experience" and the road to recovery). You too probably.

 

I think dating may help you, but not getting into anything serious right away. I mean you don't have to like the first person you meet. Would be nice to click but still. It will show you how many other options there are out there. Just keep your eyes peeled for oppertunities ya know?

 

I'm a big believer that if a relationship starts as a bootycall for instance, it remains that way (not always but most cases it's hard to transition). Same with relationships which start out with someone cheating. And same for ones which start out as a rebound. So if your dating someone, and see your not healed (wondering if they are going to be YOUR rebound), no need to run away. Just take it super super slow.

[need2bme]

It is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. I have noticed when going on dates that some men are very nosy and on a first date are talking about all their past relationships and then asking questions about yours. So if you don't tell, they think you are hiding something...if you do tell then they can store this information for future use against you. I don't know what the answer is.

 

See that is it, right there. My ex asked so MUCH personal stuff. I had put on my site, that you could ask me anything and I would answer. I am trying to be as honest as they come and I am SURE she held it for future ammo, even if it didn't start that way.

 

I should have kept my mouth shut and told her that I needed to know her better, before sharing those kinds of things. I don't blame women who date when they are older or woman who have been through rough patches from a previous relationship, I simply wish they would base their opinion on my present, not my past.

 

JnH: I love your post. How thoughtful actually, to share that info. I go out and sing alot (not great, but eh, I just pick songs I can use with my voice and muddle through). Sometimes, girls will come and speak with me afterwards. I have always thought, "hmmm, well, they are drunk or they just liked the song or whatever". But, what is to stop me from breaking the ice? Nothing.

 

I had a girl actually come up to the mic, while I was singing. Drunk or not, there she was. I totally should have sung to her, or with her, or flirted during the song, but I didn't (well, I had a friend that was a girl with me and I didn't want her to feel weird).

 

Don't care though; next time, it is ON!!!

[WaterIsLife]

 

What I am talking about is a fear in oneself, either about them or the relationship. Doubts creep in and you start to see stuff that isn't even there.

 

I try to reframe things or look at what happened around an incident and question my feelings, but they just come out.

 

I am just afraid that being scared will ruin whatever chance I have the next time.

 

Hey, maybe I will wait until I am no longer scared, oh, like forever...

 

 

Interesting what these fears can do to us, you know? Its very easy for them to creep in and ruin the next relationship. Whether its doubting them or keeping your guard up too much.

 

Ask yourself what your fears are doing for you? We do feel fear for a reason, mind you. That fear is telling us that we may not yet be ready to give all of ourself to another person just yet. But also realize that this fear is within you, you actually have control over it (even if it doesn't feel that way!). Sometimes we need to realize that our fears hold us back from living life and experiencing love.