I'm 30...is it time for me to grow up?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ohhhh veryyyy good post enchiladaman!

I completely agree.

[southerngirl]

You don't stop playing because you grow old.

 

You grow old because you stop playing!

 

You sound like a really fun person! Do not change yourself to suit anyone else's expectations!

 

You have a great career and sound responsible with your money. If you can afford to hire people to clean for you, more power to you!

 

If I could afford it, I would most definitely have a maid service clean this place. That would be like a dream come true.

 

I am SURE that my step dad (recent widow) having a maid come to clean his house once a week was a plus with his new wife. She doesn't have to mop or scrub toilets or any of the other things that I am sure not many people really enjoy doing. I do know that they still have a maid come and clean the house once a week. He did it because he was a recent widower and bachelor and didn't want to be bothered with cleaning. He is much older than you and still plays tennis twice a week, drives a nice porche, has a boat, jet ski and other toys.

 

Dont be ashamed to have fun in this life, you only come through this place but one time!

 

My 2 cents.

[CaptainPlanet]

I skimmed over your post.

 

You sound pretty normal.

[Siriana]

Oh siriana did you have to share that?

You're not in a club?

Crap...without you this is going to be a boring club. lol

[Siriana]

I already pay my shrink too much as is...and he never says anything basically...just asks me what I think about this or that or whatever...what a waste of money THAT guy is...200 bucks a month to go hear myself yammer on about stuff...my dog is just as good as he is at that

 

 

Find a better one.

Some work in a way they only listen and ask - and that is crap (what on earth is he thinking about when you talk - I guess what's he gonna have for dinner), and IMO the better ones know how to give useful suggestions what to try to do. They give you homework.

I will be free enough to say that I think you're affraid of getting hurt again because of your ex.

[Killasasparilla]

I think you're in the clear man.

I wish my dad played video games...

[greensleeves]

I think you're doing great (you're also very funny). You're thirty....enjoy yourself....that's what you should be doing at your age. And, if I had the money to pay someone to come and clean my house and do my laundry, I would in a heartbeat....nothing wrong with that at all. I think you're pondering it because maybe you are ready for the next stage in your life and that will come when you meet the right person. Now that your open to that possibility she'll probably walk right into to your very charmed life

[ycmanvs]

Yup, I second the cognitive therapy stuff. I had trust issues, just like you and the regular freudian therapist did not help at all. Within a year of doing cognitive therapy, however, I finally managed to have a better attitude about life, relationships and marriage.

You are still young. Work on these issues now, before it is too late. If your current shrink is not helping you, you have to find one that will. The relationship with your shrink is very important and if you have the wrong fit, it can do more harm than good. It is a business after all, so shop around.

 

A great therapist will enrich your life and help you to grow.

[love4life]

Yup, I second the cognitive therapy stuff. I had trust issues, just like you and the regular freudian therapist did not help at all. Within a year of doing cognitive therapy, however, I finally managed to have a better attitude about life, relationships and marriage.

You are still young. Work on these issues now, before it is too late. If your current shrink is not helping you, you have to find one that will. The relationship with your shrink is very important and if you have the wrong fit, it can do more harm than good. It is a business after all, so shop around.

 

A great therapist will enrich your life and help you to grow.

 

Yep - my perspective on life has changed drastically (for the better!) after a few months of CB therapy, combined with a messy break-up. It's pretty empowering when you start to realize (and really believe) that as humans we have free choice to do or think whatever we please; and, in doing so, understand that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[rootcause43]

or am I just a guy that is doing exactly what he wants in his personal life and is lucky enough to be able to fund it?

 

Yes. That is what you are.

 

You do what you have to do to be a successful attorney. You drive the Lexus so your clients feel ok with you billing them +$200/hr.

 

Kids terrify you. Thats ok. They terrify a lot of guys.

 

You hit on younger women because you can and because that is who you are attracted to. At 30 are you creepy in the bar? No. I'm 38 and now I'm becoming the creepy guy. You have a good five years before you hit creepyhood.

[JadedStar]

You're not in a club?

Crap...without you this is going to be a boring club. lol

 

I am sure there is another club you are in that I'll come to .....LOL!!!

 

How about the "assertive women who speak their minds" club? LOL

[Siriana]

 

How about the "assertive women who speak their minds" club? LOL

 

Thats the club where most guys run away from at the very same moment they knock on the door. lol

[JadedStar]

Thats the club where most guys run away from at the very same moment they knock on the door. lol

 

Yeah as opposed to them not running away when they see you pick your nose? ROFLMAO!

 

 

At least at this other club they are so very intrigued.....heehee

[Siriana]

I always managed to find guys who liked picking their nose too, so we pick it together ROFLMAO.

Thats our "us" time

[Rosee]

It's interesting no one has picked up on what you said about wanting the woman you marry to be 100% perfect. Maybe you meant it as in'perfect for you', if not, that does point to an immature attitude and you must know it's completely unrealistic - you'll be forever searching for this mythical 'perfect woman'.

 

You sound like a very intelligent guy otherwise and it's great that you are having fun and acting young (as you still are). It does sound though you have this idea there are figurative boxes in life you need to check off to be accepted and happy.

 

To me it seems like you aren't feeling fulfilled even though you have a lot of 'stuff', also that you value appearances and status to an extent and are perhaps a little selfish. (Sorry if that's harsh!)

 

If you don't already do it then maybe doing something to help others, or giving back in some way, could cause you to mature a bit as a person, cause it sounds like you're feeling ready for a growth spurt.

 

Remember to that having a serious relationship doesn't mean you necassarily have to give up everything else, maybe you can even still pick your nose

[Celadon]

I haven't read the whole thread so excuse me if this has been said already. The fact that you're asking about this means to me that you're dissatisfied and you're ready -- but scared -- to grow a bit.

 

What you need is a vision, a role model. You need to find a man that you *truly* look up to. Someone who has made something for himself, not just monetarily or power-wise, but as a human being. Look for that kind of man, and get to know him (or if he's a historical figure, read about him). Then try to develop one of the qualities that you admire about him.

 

Right now, you're in a comfy rut. Take a step to get out of it, and you'll find yourself on a new adventure. Good luck!

[skyjuice]

Yes, please do...grow up.

 

You are fine. You know what you want once they have been fulfilled, you need to look for new goal.

 

If I had maid to clean my house, it would be awesome.

[Up and Down]

Funny I am a lot like you, 32, successful by many persons standards, own my own home, a couple cars etc like nice things. Max my 401K and invest in a roth and else where. Travel a lot. I dont' really play video games. I have a core group of friends that I am out with on the weekends. I dress up to go to work, however you will find me in jeans most other times.

 

I am a social person, always have been and probably always will be. Its just in my nature. However after my recent serious break-up I am wondering if there is something else out there but then sometimes the pessimist in me comes out and says well most relationships seem to fail these days and part of me thinks I should avoid serious relationships, maybe out of fear of getting burned, however another part of me likes the closeness of someone that comes with a serious relationship.

 

I wonder if its just a fantasy, I see so many guys in my office that went down the married path and are miserable...even without kids, let alone the ones that are miserable with kids...and then I see divorce so rampant out there and think these men must of thought the same thing, she is perfect, marriage is ideal...and then I see how they are nothing but shells of persons...that is my biggest fear. Then I wonder if I am letting my fears cripple me, however I am happy hanging out with my friends and traveling with them. The worst thing I could imagine would be to marry a women who started to control which friends I hung out with or gave me a "hall pass" if I did something nice etc. I don't want to be treated like a kid anymore. I am sure many of you are going to say you will know when you meet the right woman. I have though in the past I have met the right woman, she was social for the first year and a half, saying she loved to go out and she would and it seemed like she generally had fun. In addition she didn't care if I would occasionally go meet my friends etc and I supported her hanging out with her friends separatley....however that soon changed and ms independent changed to ms dependant. All of a sudden if she wasn't the focus of my world day in day out she was unhappy. I felt bait and switched...this is my fear someone that is one way as you presumed that changes.

 

This is very crippling in my mindset of longterm relationships as I see it a lot with many couples. In anycase for now I am going to do what I enjoy until life may lead me somewhere else or like you I "grow up". We are at an age where good friends are getting married and having kids, so you start to wonder, "what about me? whats my future like? am I missing the boat?". Its tough but at the end of the day for now I seem to be happier than many married people I know....and I just got out of a LTR.

 

Not sure if any of this is advice other than sometimes I wonder the same thing.

[greenmonster]

It's interesting no one has picked up on what you said about wanting the woman you marry to be 100% perfect. Maybe you meant it as in'perfect for you', if not, that does point to an immature attitude and you must know it's completely unrealistic - you'll be forever searching for this mythical 'perfect woman'.

 

yes, I meant "perfect" for me. everyone is very different in what their ideas of perfection are, and I my idea of a perfect girl is certainly FAR from most peoples idea of a perfect girl.

 

You sound like a very intelligent guy otherwise and it's great that you are having fun and acting young (as you still are). It does sound though you have this idea there are figurative boxes in life you need to check off to be accepted and happy.

 

this sounds about right...it feels like I am missing some boxes on that check list of mine. and I guess its because I'm a very "list" type person. I make a schedule of things and cross them out as I go...I apply this to business as well as most of my personal life too. and I guess that somewhere in my mind I have this list of things I need to have done by now that I think is incomplete. and I think that this list is made up of a lot of outside influences and "norms" that I think I should be following

 

To me it seems like you aren't feeling fulfilled even though you have a lot of 'stuff', also that you value appearances and status to an extent and are perhaps a little selfish. (Sorry if that's harsh!)

 

If you don't already do it then maybe doing something to help others, or giving back in some way, could cause you to mature a bit as a person, cause it sounds like you're feeling ready for a growth spurt.

 

Not harsh at all...quite true in fact. I am selfish, greedy and very concerned about my appearance...but those are the things that drive me forward...those are the things that push me to succeed. those are the things that have taken me though college and into my career...and those are the things that have gotten me into the position I am in financially.

 

on the flip side of that I am also very giving, compassionate, and caring for others...I give quite a bit to various chairities, not only money but also my time. I volunteer for a thing called "Junior Achievement" where once a week I go into an inner city high school and talk with kids about the value and importance of staying in school...I talk with them about progams available to help them pay for college...I volunteer at a soup kitchen down town every year on the night before thanksgiving, christmas eve, and a couple other times each year. I give to my church...and I stop on the road to help old ladies when they have a flat tire....

 

however, like I said...I am greedy...

 

 

I haven't read the whole thread so excuse me if this has been said already. The fact that you're asking about this means to me that you're dissatisfied and you're ready -- but scared -- to grow a bit.

 

What you need is a vision, a role model. You need to find a man that you *truly* look up to. Someone who has made something for himself, not just monetarily or power-wise, but as a human being. Look for that kind of man, and get to know him (or if he's a historical figure, read about him). Then try to develop one of the qualities that you admire about him.

 

Right now, you're in a comfy rut. Take a step to get out of it, and you'll find yourself on a new adventure. Good luck!

 

This is a very interesting way of looking at this, and I appriciate your insight. no one else sugested that and it does raise some questions for me.

 

I have always looked at my father as my role model...he is a good man who has lived his life doing good things. he has changed his comunity for the better and took himself from nothing and transformed into something greater than anyone could have ever expected.

 

and thats where I'm at sorta...I cant do the things he has done in his life...and I'll never be able to. I came from something, and I had high expectations, and so far I have lived up to those expectations...but unless I cure cancer or solve world hunger, I'll never be able to exceed my expectations in the way that he did his. he faught in viet nam right out of high school for 3 years before he went to college...I played football and drank beer durring the same time in my life. He married a poor farmers daughter and together they made an incredible life for themselves, and by my age they had 3 kids and were making things work on less than $30,000 a year combined income...they paid their own ways through school while both working and raising a family. I have a dog, make 6 figures, and drive a car worth more than the house we lived in when my dad was my age.

 

its like I have had no great struggle, no true hard luck strife. I have worked hard and succeeded at almost everything I have applied myself for...I haven't just been handed anything, but I feel like the hardest things in my life have been caused by simple things like breakups and getting cheated on...whereas the hardest things in my fathers life were watching his cousin violently die in his arms in viet nam...working 2 jobs, going to school, and raising a family all at once...growing up and coming from nothing and becoming one of the most powerful men in the county. and all the while never doing anything to comprimise his morals...he has always done the right thing...

 

how can I compete with that? how can I live up to that? is there any way I can top the things he has accomplished? am I just a masochist for feeling like I am missing some kind of struggle? is that what this empty feeling is?

 

I am a social person, always have been and probably always will be. Its just in my nature. However after my recent serious break-up I am wondering if there is something else out there but then sometimes the pessimist in me comes out and says well most relationships seem to fail these days and part of me thinks I should avoid serious relationships, maybe out of fear of getting burned, however another part of me likes the closeness of someone that comes with a serious relationship.

 

I wonder if its just a fantasy, I see so many guys in my office that went down the married path and are miserable...even without kids, let alone the ones that are miserable with kids...and then I see divorce so rampant out there and think these men must of thought the same thing, she is perfect, marriage is ideal...and then I see how they are nothing but shells of persons...that is my biggest fear. Then I wonder if I am letting my fears cripple me, however I am happy hanging out with my friends and traveling with them. The worst thing I could imagine would be to marry a women who started to control which friends I hung out with or gave me a "hall pass" if I did something nice etc. I don't want to be treated like a kid anymore. I am sure many of you are going to say you will know when you meet the right woman. I have thought in the past I have met the right woman, she was social for the first year and a half, saying she loved to go out and she would and it seemed like she generally had fun. In addition she didn't care if I would occasionally go meet my friends etc and I supported her hanging out with her friends separatley....however that soon changed and ms independent changed to ms dependant. All of a sudden if she wasn't the focus of my world day in day out she was unhappy. I felt bait and switched...this is my fear someone that is one way as you presumed that changes.

 

This is very crippling in my mindset of longterm relationships as I see it a lot with many couples. In anycase for now I am going to do what I enjoy until life may lead me somewhere else or like you I "grow up". We are at an age where good friends are getting married and having kids, so you start to wonder, "what about me? whats my future like? am I missing the boat?". Its tough but at the end of the day for now I seem to be happier than many married people I know....and I just got out of a LTR.

 

Not sure if any of this is advice other than sometimes I wonder the same thing.

 

lotta good stuff in there up and down...

 

you and I sound like we are in a very similar boat.

 

I am blessed with some truly incredible friends, both male and female. and whenever they have married someone it has usually been someone that I have either become friends with, or someone that I was already friends with. I am a very social person and just seem to get along very well with just about everyone I come in contact with.

 

Usually I get along with these friends of mine not only on an individual level, but also on a couple level. I have played "Dr. Phil" to most of my friends through most of their lives helping them with their problems. I can sit down with them and help them work stuff out and it seems as though I can talk people through any troubles they are having. and in turn, they all love me. Over the last 6 years I've been a best man 5 times, and a groomsman 17 times. the only weddings I've gone to that I wasn't in were ones that girls I was dating at the time took me to of friends of theirs.

 

everyone hangs out at my place on the weekends...friends come in from out of town and stay here...and everyone knows that if they are ever in trouble or just need someone to talk to they can call me up at anytime and I'll be there for em.

 

I see their relationships and the ones that are closest to me I see them as just being so perfect it makes me sick. its like...good guy, good girl...perfect match 10 times over and they have all been together for years now and it seems like theres never any problems and I just don't get it!!! how come I cant find that "perfect match" type girl? I mean sure, its kinda fun durring football season when every other week I show up at the tailgate parties with a different girl, like she is almost a conversation piece...but it gets old because its like you can just hear my friends say "where'd ya find this one?" and "what happened to whats her name?" or "ooohhh Max...I like this one...she's a keeper!!" and of course "how long you gonna hold on to this one?"...ya know?

 

One of my best friends is married to a girl that I dated for two years in high school. I'm the guy that set them up together like our freshman year of college. they have been married for 9 years now, have 2 kids and the biggest argument they have ever had was the shape of the pool they wanted to get put in....seriously.

 

and so I guess I look at all this happiness with my friends and their significant others and feel like I lack that aspect of my life, and I'm starting to want it more and more.

 

sure, its nice to date around, get to meet a lotta fun people, do a lotta fun stuff, and have some really great sex...but I think I want to do all that and have all that with just one person now....crap...I cant believe I just said that...here I am, a guy with literally everything a man could ever want: money, toys, hot women, cars...and I am sounding like a big damn girl saying "oh me, I just want someone special"...jesus...this is lame.

 

anyhows...this has gotten way too long...thanks for readin...and thanks for yall's help

[ycmanvs]

Well, just the fact that you are taking an analytical approach to it shows that you are mature enough to figure out your own flaws. You are probably looking for a woman who will not only be attractive but also challenge you. The fact that you are having issues with your success and comparing yourself to those that had to struggle more than you, shows that you may still need to work on owning your success.

 

If you have tons of friends and you are social, chances are that eventually, when you are ready, meet someone who will be close to that "perfect" ideal. This ideal may change as you become more comfortable with who you are.

[Merrick]

I didn't read most of others posts so I may have missed something.

 

But funny thing is. I just broke up with my bf yesterday. He's 29 and does all the things on the bottom of your list. Biggest difference, he hasn't done anything at the top of your list like having a good job and money. It isn't wrong to play the way that you do b/c you have a real life as well. One can be young at heart but still realize that life takes hard work. My bf (shoot...ex bf) still lives at home, his car breaks down every other week, has no job, sleeps on his friends' party house floor, etc etc.

 

If i found a man that I could stil have fun with but could stand up and be a man when needed, that would be all i was looking for. And i could give him a run for his money on guitar hero and i am a 28 year old woman!

[KG]

GM,

You sound like a well balanced guy who just turned 30!! LOL!! As a previous poster said, no drugs, you don't break the law, you pay it forward in terms of volunteering! You got it more together than a lot of guys, 30, 40, 50's!

Seems like you may be looking ahead, if this lifestyle will keep you happy later on in life. My 2 c's...live the life you want, don't wonder about the life you don't. You sound a lot like my nephew in Hawaii...32 years old, a squatter on undeveloped land, owns a tent, a truck and a dog. Works every day, plays every night and weekends. He's the happiest thing I've ever seen!!! I think yer gold!!!

KG

[irin997]

how come I cant find that "perfect match" type girl?

 

Well, one thing is that you are never going to meet that "perfect match" type girl in a 20 year old body. The perfect girl will actually have some life experience. Try dating a girl that is closer to your age and you'll find that yes, a 26 year old is just as hot, if not hotter than a 20 year old. Not only are they more experienced sexually but in life as well. They've most likely finished college and have a couple years of real world life experience. They've been working, they've lived on their own, they aren't dependent on their parents. Maybe just give it a try!

[Up and Down]

Green Monster sounds like we are in the same boat. Always going to weddings in a lot, in fact the first year I dated my ex I was invited to 16 and went to 12...that was a bit much. Anyway I know what you mean about dating girls etc...but it does get old and you want something with more depth and its hard to come by.

 

I would rather not settle and then I tell myself I have so much going that I really shouldn't even care, but its human nature to want what you don't have. It happens both ways, married people that want to be single and vice-versa. I guess time will sort it out and in the mean time I will have fun with it. Like you I am a sounding board for many of my friends in their relationships, also just in general. I also am friends with my friends SO as well and make it a point to include them as they are now part of my extended family.

 

I do agree that dating a girl in her early 20's is probably a bad place to start since they have no real world experience and are not truley independent. We will see how that pans out for me...I think the issue I am running into now is that the girls my age I meet want to be married yesterday and have babies tomorrow and while that can be on the agenda it doesn't mean I want to rush into it.

 

Anyway I think you have a good head on your shoulders and what you think is normal...I guess I would agree since we are in the same boat

 

In any case I think you just keep doing what makes you happy and things will fall into place..even if its not the time frame you have in mind.

[Celadon]

however, like I said...I am greedy...

Well, it's good that you recognize this aspect of yourself. We all have areas that both motivate us and at the same time limit us. My observation is there's a limited return on satisfying greed, and even saying "satisfying greed" is kinda an oxymoron.You can't satisfy greed. Greed just wants more and more. It's never-ending, and thereforeeee never completely fulfilling.

 

But maybe you can take your incredible drive and channel it into a bigger challenge. You say you volunteer with inner city kids. That's great! Have you thought about what *more* you could do for them? What more do they need? Is there something really big that is lacking in their lives, and could you do something about that? Could you rally your friends and business associates to dig in and create a new program for them? Could you organize a road trip for them to visit colleges, for example?

 

My overall take on what you've said is that you've hit a plateau, which is normal in life. As you mentioned, your dad really made something of himself -- because he HAD to. His circumstances were challenging and he rose to the challenge. No need for you to feel guilty about having it easier than him; that was likely the point of his efforts -- to give his family stability and opportunity. Where do you go from here? I think you start by not comparing yourself and your success to his. That would be intimidating!

 

At the same time, the world is full of challenges and problems, and you have the chance -- thanks in part to your dad and thanks in part to your own hard work -- to explore how you can make a big difference in the world. In your own way, of course. The only question would be, where do you want to start?

 

..and so I guess I look at all this happiness with my friends and their significant others and feel like I lack that aspect of my life, and I'm starting to want it more and more.

That's great, greenmonster. I agree with the others on this one. Find a woman worthy of your affections, someone who will challenge and inspire you to be the best you can be. Given your success in life, I'm sure there are plenty of accomplished women who would like to get to know you. Leave the 20 year olds at the door. Go for someone more your equal and you'll probably find love that is deeper and more satisfying.