What would you do if a married woman asked you out for dinner?

[rs.dallaire]

How would you feel if you were married and your wife was acting this way with some other guy? It's all about your values and morals... I for one wouldn't appreciate this. There's a lot of women out there. I would let this go even if it is harmless.

 

I'd be pissed off at my wife but not at the guy unless he's a friend of mine. It takes two to tango, right?

 

Some people end their relationship before starting a new one. A lot of them don't. To me it's not necessarily a matter of morals but I'd be concerned that the other person might not be ready for a relationship.

[Hope75]

I'd be pissed off at my wife but not at the guy unless he's a friend of mine. It takes two to tango, right?

 

Some people end their relationship before starting a new one. A lot of them don't. To me it's not necessarily a matter of morals but I'd be concerned that the other person might not be ready for a relationship.

 

I would definitely wager that someone who is married and (can we assume?) still with her husband is probably not ready for an exclusive relationship...

 

I'm not sure how comfortable you would be being 'the other man', being forced to keep your relationship a secret from everyone, and knowing she was going home to her husband on a regular basis and lying to him.

 

For me, a person with so little integrity is not very appealing.

[annie24]

i think affairs may be more tolerated in europe than they are in the us (even though the rates are likely equal...). However, i can tell you, i would not like to date a guy if i knew he used to have an affair with a married woman. i would think much less of him, and he would not be someone i woiuld want to date. i want someone with self-respect, someone who wants a true relationship, who values themself and the instution of marriage.

[rs.dallaire]

I see, that makes sense.

 

If you are considering an affair I would strongly advise you to talk to some people who have done so and find out how it worked out for them.

 

Im my experience (have not had an affair, but in knowing a few people who did), it has not worked out in their favor and caused a lot of un-necessary heartbreak for all involved.

 

I agree with you here. Most affairs are pretty destructive.

 

I think there's a difference between an "affair" and a "blurry transition" though. It's not easy to tell the difference. While most affairs end up in turmoil, a lot of my friends are in healthy relationships that started before they completely ended their previous relationship.

 

As I grow older, I do find that the rules of dating are changing and it's not always easy to decode everything.

[rs.dallaire]

I would definitely wager that someone who is married and (can we assume?) still with her husband is probably not ready for an exclusive relationship...

 

I'm not sure how comfortable you would be being 'the other man', being forced to keep your relationship a secret from everyone, and knowing she was going home to her husband on a regular basis and lying to him.

 

For me, a person with so little integrity is not very appealing.

 

I definitely wouldn't want this to become an on-going thing.

 

I'm a pretty sensitive guy and I wouldn't be able to handle all of the drama.

 

A few years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't going well at all. I was debating whether to stay or go when I met a great girl in school. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't feel like I cheated on my girlfriend but there was definitely flirting before I left her.

 

I think the line between what I described and actual cheating is fine but still significant.

[Hope75]

I definitely agree with you that it gets more complicated as we get older, but I also think that the simple principle of asking someone to end their current relationship before pursuing another with me is a fair request.

 

Talk about relationships being complicated, who needs all that drama?

[rs.dallaire]

i think affairs may be more tolerated in europe than they are in the us (even though the rates are likely equal...). However, i can tell you, i would not like to date a guy if i knew he used to have an affair with a married woman. i would think much less of him, and he would not be someone i woiuld want to date. i want someone with self-respect, someone who wants a true relationship, who values themself and the instution of marriage.

 

I want a true relationship as well although I'm not big on marriage.

 

I never felt attracted to a married person simply because most people my age aren't married yet. I'm getting there though.

 

I know of so many people who I love and admire who have cheated at some point or another in their lives. I'm not recommending this but I can certainly view it as something that can happen to anyone, not only the immoral jerks...

[rs.dallaire]

i think affairs may be more tolerated in europe than they are in the us (even though the rates are likely equal...). However, i can tell you, i would not like to date a guy if i knew he used to have an affair with a married woman. i would think much less of him, and he would not be someone i woiuld want to date. i want someone with self-respect, someone who wants a true relationship, who values themself and the instution of marriage.

 

I want a true relationship as well although I'm not big on marriage.

 

I never felt attracted to a married person simply because most people my age aren't married yet. I'm getting there though.

 

I know of so many people who I love and admire who have cheated at some point or another in their lives. I'm not recommending this but I can certainly view it as something that can happen to anyone, not only the immoral jerks...

[rs.dallaire]

I definitely agree with you that it gets more complicated as we get older, but I also think that the simple principle of asking someone to end their current relationship before pursuing another with me is a fair request.

 

Talk about relationships being complicated, who needs all that drama?

 

I agree. If I were totally reasonable, I would avoid dinner with this woman.

 

I must admit I'm curious as to what she has in mind though.

[Hope75]

I want a true relationship as well although I'm not big on marriage.

 

I never felt attracted to a married person simply because most people my age aren't married yet. I'm getting there though.

 

I know of so many people who I love and admire who have cheated at some point or another in their lives. I'm not recommending this but I can certainly view it as something that can happen to anyone, not only the immoral jerks...

 

 

I suppose your views of infidelity will have a lot to do with whether or not you are willing to entertain the thought of getting involved with a married woman. Out of principle I wouldn't go there, but if you can get past the idea of a cheater being a person with little morals or self respect (which I have trouble with), I still don't think I could deal with the extra trouble that comes with messing with someone who is supposed to be committed to someone else.

 

As fun and dangerous as it might initially seem, that would get old fast in light of having to be deceitful and secretive all the time.

[rs.dallaire]

I suppose your views of infidelity will have a lot to do with whether or not you are willing to entertain the thought of getting involved with a married woman. Out of principle I wouldn't go there, but if you can get past the idea of a cheater being a person with little morals or self respect (which I have trouble with), I still don't think I could deal with the extra trouble that comes with messing with someone who is supposed to be committed to someone else.

 

As fun and dangerous as it might initially seem, that would get old fast in light of having to be deceitful and secretive all the time.

 

I appreciate your wise words.

 

I'm starting to be old enough for people to be married. When over half of married males and females working full time have had an extramarital affair, it really makes me wonder about what life as an adult is truly about.

[matt24]

I must be a minority then. I just don't understand how you can have, or why you would want to start one relationship without ending the previous. To me it's a complete show of disrespect to the other person. If you have feeling for someone it show's a great deal about someone's character in how they treat their S.O. in good AND bad times.

[rs.dallaire]

I must be a minority then. I just don't understand how you can have, or why you would want to start one relationship without ending the previous. To me it's a complete show of disrespect to the other person. If you have feeling for someone it show's a great deal about someone's character in how they treat their S.O. in good AND bad times.

 

I guess the nuance is that people aren't necessarily starting a new relationship before ending the previous one. Sometimes a relationship is dying and there are sparks with a new person. Timing isn't always perfect in those situations.

[Samedy]

That's tough. I've done many lunches with many married women (friends), but they were just lunches. Dinner though... That kind of changes things there, doesn't it.

[rs.dallaire]

It might be a cultural thing but I am surprised at how affairs are viewed as an immoral thing. Don't take me wrong - affairs aren't nice. But when confronted with the realities of life people tend to become more forgiving.

 

I have about 10 colleagues who I work with regularly. While I've never indulged, there were at least four married women who wanted to have sex with me. The others were either males, either too old or either too unattractive.

 

I'm not a super hot player or anything. I'm a good listener and women love that. The fact that these women hit on me indicates to me that they must be hitting on other guys too. My sample might be biased but faithful people are a rarity nowadays, especially in the younger crowd (those 35 or less).

 

I think we all hope for the perfect relationship. Personally, I've lowered my expectations...

[LBP]

I am friends with a number of married women in my work place. There is one in particular who I have gone out with on a number of occasions and who I think is of a similar mind to this lady you're mentioning.

 

I have been on the cheating road before. I have resolved myself against it in the future. As has been said before in this thread, it takes two to tango. As long as you are clear in your boundaries then there is nothing to discuss on this matter. There are several ways you can make this clear. Go out with her in a social setting and, you know, HIT ON OTHER WOMEN. Or have her husband come along with you on an outting. Not only that, insist on it. Bring his friends as well! Create a network among them. This will solidify your own moral wherewithall.

 

That said... It sounds like you kind of want to get involved in an affair with this woman. If that's the case then I can only say this: if she'll cheat on her husband, she'll cheat on you. Period.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the 'everybody does it' excuse really isn't very useful. lots of people may do it, but there are usually very negative consequences, drama, divorces, children getting hurt, hearts broken, etc. to prove that it is not a good idea.

 

this problem is easy to avoid... don't go to dinner with her, and don't go to lunch unless you bring other people along.

[annie24]

It might be a cultural thing but I am surprised at how affairs are viewed as an immoral thing. Don't take me wrong - affairs aren't nice. But when confronted with the realities of life people tend to become more forgiving.

 

I have about 10 colleagues who I work with regularly. While I've never indulged, there were at least four married women who wanted to have sex with me. The others were either males, either too old or either too unattractive.

 

I'm not a super hot player or anything. I'm a good listener and women love that. The fact that these women hit on me indicates to me that they must be hitting on other guys too. My sample might be biased but faithful people are a rarity nowadays, especially in the younger crowd (those 35 or less).

 

I think we all hope for the perfect relationship. Personally, I've lowered my expectations...

 

i suspect it may be a cultural thing. now, don't get me wrong, if a couple wants to have an open marriage and gives the other permission to sleep with others, that is fine. that is not cheating nor an affair, that is out in the open. but an affair is lying and cheating on your partner, the one you stood in front of a church and god, and declared your undying love and devotion, in front of all your family and friends. if you wanted to keep sleeping with others behind your partner's back, well, why even get married then?

 

If for no other reason, by cheating on your partner, you are exposing them potentially to any number of sexually transmitted diseases. that is not cool. And if the woman gets pregnant by another man, or the man gets another woman pregnant, well, now they have to pay child support for a child that isn't theirs. I would be massively pissed if I were married, my husband got another woman pregnant, and now he had to give her $1000 a month in child support for money that could have been used on OUR household. So, from these two points of view, having an affair isn't simply "well, let's fool around during our lunch our, wife/husband will never know..."

[Sketch]

Originally Posted by rs.dallaire

I think we all hope for the perfect relationship. Personally, I've lowered my expectations...

That is an interesting statement...

The pursuit of perfection is exhausting, because perfection tends to be difficult (if not impossible) to attain. However, rather that lowering your expectations for a relationship from "perfect" all the way down to "broken", consider aiming for a more modest and reasonable: "good" relationship.

 

The relationship will not be perfect nor will it be broken. It lies somewhere between at a happy medium.

[amtjrtcet]

I've never been in this situation before and would appreciate your input.

 

I recently went for lunch with a new co-worker. She is married so to me it was just lunch and nothing else.

 

Before we went back to the office she mentioned we should do dinner next time.

 

If you were in my shoes, how would you view this invitation?

 

R

 

Be careful, don't play with fire. She has NO business asking you to dinner unless her husband is going too.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

i think the 'everybody does it' excuse really isn't very useful. lots of people may do it, but there are usually very negative consequences, drama, divorces, children getting hurt, hearts broken, etc. to prove that it is not a good idea.

 

this problem is easy to avoid... don't go to dinner with her, and don't go to lunch unless you bring other people along.

 

I agree here.....I can tell you from experience that you'll regret it,wait and see if she's going to be legally available.....and don't be the catalyst for that either.....don't try and be the rescuer.

[rs.dallaire]

Based on everyone's feedback, I assume I shouldn't go... To be honest I don't even feel like it anymore. It does seem like a lot of drama.

 

I have a question for the single males out there... If a married woman asked you out for dinner, would you turn her down no matter what? If she is very pretty and the kind of woman you get 2-3 chances to meet in your entire life, would you still pass?

[rs.dallaire]

I think you have an interesting answer.

 

Are you still going out with this lady you mentioned?

[Hope75]

I guess the nuance is that people aren't necessarily starting a new relationship before ending the previous one. Sometimes a relationship is dying and there are sparks with a new person. Timing isn't always perfect in those situations.

 

I can agree with this, I was living with and engaged to a man for 5 years and our relationship was dying long before I left him, and in the meantime I was falling for someone else. But out of respect for myself and my ex (even though I question if he deserved it because he was physically abusive to me), I waited until I ended things with him and moved out before pursuing a new relationship with the other man.

 

I think that has more to do with the type of person I am and what my values and beliefs are then anything else.

[Hope75]

I think we all hope for the perfect relationship. Personally, I've lowered my expectations...

 

I would hardly consider a faithful exclusive relationship a perfect one, would you?

 

My fiance and I are committed to one another and exclusive, but our relationship is far from perfect.

 

To me it seems like fidelity is one of the very basic fundamental necessities of a relationship.