What would you do if a married woman asked you out for dinner?

[rs.dallaire]

I can agree with this, I was living with and engaged to a man for 5 years and our relationship was dying long before I left him, and in the meantime I was falling for someone else. But out of respect for myself and my ex (even though I question if he deserved it because he was physically abusive to me), I waited until I ended things with him and moved out before pursuing a new relationship with the other man.

 

I think that has more to do with the type of person I am and what my values and beliefs are then anything else.

 

I agree with you wholeheartedly. When you say that you were falling for someone else, what happened for you to fall for that person? I assume there were at least a few interactions before you left your partner.

[Hope75]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. When you say that you were falling for someone else, what happened for you to fall for that person? I assume there were at least a few interactions before you left your partner.

 

It was someone who worked next door to where I worked. I would bump into him at the neighboring deli/store where we would buy our lunches and we both occasionally had business at the other's place of employment. I did not go out with him save for one occasion when I invited him to a concert my then fiance was playing, this was a few weeks before I broke it off with my then fiance.

 

I knew things were going downhill with my then fiance, but I also did not feel comfortable spending time alone with the other guy until things were officially over with my then fiance.

 

It was definitely an awkward situation.

[rs.dallaire]

It was someone who worked next door to where I worked. I would bump into him at the neighboring deli/store where we would buy our lunches and we both occasionally had business at the other's place of employment. I did not go out with him save for one occasion when I invited him to a concert my then fiance was playing, this was a few weeks before I broke it off with my then fiance.

 

I knew things were going downhill with my then fiance, but I also did not feel comfortable spending time alone with the other guy until things were officially over with my then fiance.

 

It was definitely an awkward situation.

 

This is very interesting. I guess it all goes with our definition of cheating. Some people view thinking of someone else romantically as cheating. Others think dinners are ok. There are even some of think that anything less than intercourse is not cheating.

 

If you were thinking of that person and knew him enough to invite him to a concert, I think this qualifies as emotional infidelity. I'm not saying it's right or wrong - just that it happens all the time. If you had kids, the dilemma would've been much more difficult.

 

I think we are all quick to judge those who stray but with half of the marriages ending up in divorce, there is obviously something wrong with the system.

[Hope75]

This is very interesting. I guess it all goes with our definition of cheating. Some people view thinking of someone else romantically as cheating. Others think dinners are ok. There are even some of think that anything less than intercourse is not cheating.

 

If you were thinking of that person and knew him enough to invite him to a concert, I think this qualifies as emotional infidelity. I'm not saying it's right or wrong - just that it happens all the time. If you had kids, the dilemma would've been much more difficult.

 

I think we are all quick to judge those who stray but with half of the marriages ending up in divorce, there is obviously something wrong with the system.

 

I would agree with you that my heart was no longer with my then fiance and had not been for some time. I would also agree with you that I was attracted to the new guy. To me, cheating is a physical act of being unfaithful, but perhaps to others, having a crush when you are with someone is considered cheating. I never saw it that way.

 

Looking back on this, I think deep down when I invited the new guy to my then fiances' concert I felt I was entering dangerous territory- which is why I did not see him again other than bumping into him at the deli until after I left my fiance. In some ways, the new guy gave me the motivation to end something I knew had long since been over.

 

I think that even healthy long term relationships probably endure partners having crushes on others from time to time.

 

I guess it all boils down to what you consider cheating- and I've seen numerous ideas and definitions here on what people consider to be cheating.

[Melody77]

This is very interesting. I guess it all goes with our definition of cheating. Some people view thinking of someone else romantically as cheating. Others think dinners are ok. There are even some of think that anything less than intercourse is not cheating.

 

(...)

 

I think we are all quick to judge those who stray but with half of the marriages ending up in divorce, there is obviously something wrong with the system.

Very true! It's really hard to find someone who has the exact same definition of ''infidelity'' as yours. I personally think that infidelity does not have to be physical and just fantacizing about someone else is a kind of infidelity... and I know how hard it is to not do it. I mean temptations are everywhere nowadays, no matter if you're a man or a woman. But, in my very humble opinion it is the duty of a wife or husband to 'fight' these temptations or thoughts. And again, it is not a simple thing...

 

I would say, before accepting anything, just make sure you truly realize what you are going to deal with. I am married, I would NEVER invite a guy out unless he is a long time friend, unless I have to for business or unless my husband comes with us. Just keep in mind, it is easier to ignore someone than to forget someone... If you have dinner with this woman, you might get emotionally involved and it is not good for you if she is not available. You are the one who might end up being hurt. Now if you really think you will not get hurt and have no problem dating a married woman, then go for it and have a good time!!

[Hope75]

Interesting. So on this principle, you do not have any male friends?

 

Do you believe a married woman can have friends of the opposite sex?

[rs.dallaire]

I think the sequence in your relationship transition is similar to what happens in affairs - except you ended things quickly with your ex before your emotional affair turned into a physical affair.

 

In the modern world emotional affairs are just as destructive as physical affairs. Add a kid or two to the mix and you've got one real predicament.

[rs.dallaire]

Interesting. So on this principle, you do not have any male friends?

 

Do you believe a married woman can have friends of the opposite sex?

 

This has always been a very tricky question.

 

I do have female friends - and clearly, they are friends and there's not a doubt about it. I think there's a clear distinction between friends and acquaintances though. As an adult, I rarely make new friends - only business friends and social acquaintances.

 

For a female co-worker who I barely know to propose that we have dinner is TOO friendly to be innocent.

 

To be honest, I can't think of the last female acquaintance who wanted to spend time with me as "friends".

[Hope75]

I think the sequence in your relationship transition is similar to what happens in affairs - except you ended things quickly with your ex before your emotional affair turned into a physical affair.

 

In the modern world emotional affairs are just as destructive as physical affairs. Add a kid or two to the mix and you've got one real predicament.

 

Do you think that having a crush on someone is an emotional affair?

 

To me, if I had to define emotional affair, I would define is as two people getting emotionally involved, spending time together alone, confessing feelings for each other, without actually acting physically on those feelings.

[Hope75]

This has always been a very tricky question.

 

I do have female friends - and clearly, they are friends and there's not a doubt about it. I think there's a clear distinction between friends and acquaintances though. As an adult, I rarely make new friends - only business friends and social acquaintances.

 

For a female co-worker who I barely know to propose that we have dinner is TOO friendly to be innocent.

 

To be honest, I can't think of the last female acquaintance who wanted to spend time with me as "friends".

 

Ah, you're right, Melody said "unless he is a long term friend" she would never invite a guy out.

 

I am an adult (32) and I still make friends- particularly in college for my second career in the last few years I've made some very close friends, some men, including a man who I went to school with and now work with. I'm engaged and he just got married and there is no romantic connection for us but we are the best of friends- I do consider him one of my best friends.

 

I do agree that dinner with an acquaintance that you hardly know is different than dinner with a close friend of the opposite sex.

 

So, you seem to have drawn the conclusion that this co worker is interested in more than business and friendship with you.

 

What's the next step?

[rs.dallaire]

Do you think that having a crush on someone is an emotional affair?

 

To me, if I had to define emotional affair, I would define is as two people getting emotionally involved, spending time together alone, confessing feelings for each other, without actually acting physically on those feelings.

 

Again, I think it depends on the intensity of the crush. I think an emotional affair involves having romantic thoughts about someone other than your partner - and for these thoughts to be entertained over a certain period of time and for you to somehow seek interaction with that person. Rather than sheer intensity, I think time is the key variable.

 

A crush is rather a sudden and short attraction you have for someone - but you don't really have any thoughts about that person.

 

I think an emotional affair that involves confessing feelings is at a very advanced stage. The physical affair usually follows shortly after.

[rs.dallaire]

So, you seem to have drawn the conclusion that this co worker is interested in more than business and friendship with you.

 

What's the next step?

 

Tough call... We're supposed to go tomorrow night but I might choke and call it off.

 

She certainly wants more than just business. As for friendship... I know some people are really outgoing and will have dinner with anyone as friends. I personally don't do that so I might be a bit shy compared to the average joe.

 

I often get hit on by married women and ignore them for the most part. This one is really pretty though and she was very forward. It is very tempting to say the least.

[Hope75]

Again, I think it depends on the intensity of the crush. I think an emotional affair involves having romantic thoughts about someone other than your partner - and for these thoughts to be entertained over a certain period of time and for you to somehow seek interaction with that person. Rather than sheer intensity, I think time is the key variable.

 

A crush is rather a sudden and short attraction you have for someone - but you don't really have any thoughts about that person.

 

I think an emotional affair that involves confessing feelings is at a very advanced stage. The physical affair usually follows shortly after.

 

I guess it really all depends, as you say, on one's definition and interpretation of what an affair is.

 

I knew that for a short time (maybe a month or so?) before ending things with my fiance I saw the new guy in a different way, as someone I was attracted to and who I thought might be a good person to be in a relationship with.

 

I also knew that I could not act on those feelings while in a relationship with someone else, no matter how unhealthy that relationship was.

 

Interestingly enough, after ending the relationship with my then fiance, I dated this other man for 2 years.

[Hope75]

Tough call... We're supposed to go tomorrow night but I might choke and call it off.

 

She certainly wants more than just business. As for friendship... I know some people are really outgoing and will have dinner with anyone as friends. I personally don't do that so I might be a bit shy compared to the average joe.

 

I often get hit on by married women and ignore them for the most part. This one is really pretty though and she was very forward. It is very tempting to say the least.

 

Do you think you could participate in an affair?

 

Would you be able to accept being the 'other man', and having to keep any developing relationship a secret?

 

If this woman isn't interested in leaving her husband, would you continue to be involved with her?

[rs.dallaire]

Do you think you could participate in an affair?

 

Would you be able to accept being the 'other man', and having to keep any developing relationship a secret?

 

If this woman isn't interested in leaving her husband, would you continue to be involved with her?

 

I think it's all a matter of managing expectations.

 

I was once in a situation similar to the guy you dated for two years. A married friend of mine started to show signs of interest. As soon as it became evident that we were about to become physical, she filed for divorce. Unfortunately, things didn't work out as guilt soon took over and she called it quits. It's great though that you were in that relationship for two years. Shows that not all rebounds are "rebounds".

 

I've never been the other man in a physical way so honestly, "I don't know" is the only answer I can give you.

 

I don't expect anything out of the meeting but I realize a lot of relationships end and start like this.

[jimthzz]

One of your first responses said to invite her husband along too. That would be a signal to her to look elsewhere for something on the side.

 

Don't participate in helping someone mess up their marriage.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I think it's all a matter of managing expectations.

 

i'm sorry, i'm giggling at this one. EVERYONE who starts up an affair with a married person thinks they can handle it, and it universally ends up messy...

 

this is your libido talking, trying to convince your brain that something dumb is a good idea...

 

when was the last time someone's heart 'managed expectations'? hearts get involved in affairs, regardless of most people's assumptions they can handle it.

 

it isn't *reason* that is trying to talk you into this affair, it's that you think she's hot and your libido is ready to roar... libidos are notoriously hard to control, as are hearts, so don't put yourself into danger.

 

what if you sleep with her once, and decide that your 'once in a lifetime' pretty girl is so special, no other woman will do for you? and she won't leave her husband? or she's playing a game with you and dumps and laughs at you as being ridiculous because she really wants her husband and was just playing around with you, and you mean nothing?

 

or tells you it wasn't as fun as she thought? or her husband is a 6'5" bodybuilder and comes and beats the heck out of you.

 

you are imagining the best case scenario where everything is light and fun and she is pretty and you won't get attached and her husband won't find out and it won't affect your work or work won't find out and fire you both or... you name it.

 

that's how the libido works, blows logic and reason all to heck.. lots of single women without these complications out there, why take the chance of really messing up your life with a married woman?

 

it may be a once in a liftetime opportunity to totally mess up your life and head!

 

yeah, i guess you can tell my vote, don't do it!

[servedcold]

I have a question for the single males out there... If a married woman asked you out for dinner, would you turn her down no matter what? If she is very pretty and the kind of woman you get 2-3 chances to meet in your entire life, would you still pass?

 

I would turn her down, and have been in this situation many times, mostly due to one particular job in the past. Used to work for a bank as a mid-level officer in my early 30s. Was moderately overweight at the time, and didn't feel very studly or attractive, but this didn't seem to matter to the women in my branch network...

 

Like you, I was good natured, a good listener, also, part of my job was to schmooze employees in the network. Out of the many women in my territory, there were five who were very attractive and married, and one very attractive sweet girl who was engaged to a long term (but very dull) BF.

 

Four of the five of these hot married women hit on me in various ways, sometimes flagrantly, some asking to dinner, some asking to get together after work. The engaged one (and the prettiest) would come in my office behind me and start rubbing my back and neck when we were the last two in the office. The best looking of the married women would let me know whenever her husband and son were going out of town for the weekend, saying things like "I will be home all alone, don't know what I'm going to do with myself." She would also stay late lots when she knew I would be around, come into my office looking very "come hither," ask me to walk her to her car 20 feet in a very well lit parking lot when the sun wasn't even fully set. Another of these married women was in town for a training session and asked me back to her motel room after we had been having drinks... in front of other female employees having drinks with us! I assumed she was joking, but was told later that she was deadly serious and had quite a crush on me.

 

Sexual harassment cases were relatively new at the time (mid 90s), and as an officer (even a plebian one), it was hammered into me not to consort with female employees of the bank. I never did, and sometimes have mild regrets as there were so many opportunities and I was actually having trouble meeting decent single women in the town to date, so was involuntarily celibate at the time, hehe. Overall, I'm glad that I didn't mess around with any of them, and despite some mild fantasies and regretful feelings, believe this was a formative time in my character. Sorry if that sounds too much like a boy scout, but you asked Thanks for bringing this up and allowing me to reminisce some.

[scotty77]

It might be a cultural thing but I am surprised at how affairs are viewed as an immoral thing. Don't take me wrong - affairs aren't nice. But when confronted with the realities of life people tend to become more forgiving.

 

I have about 10 colleagues who I work with regularly. While I've never indulged, there were at least four married women who wanted to have sex with me. The others were either males, either too old or either too unattractive.

 

I'm not a super hot player or anything. I'm a good listener and women love that. The fact that these women hit on me indicates to me that they must be hitting on other guys too. My sample might be biased but faithful people are a rarity nowadays, especially in the younger crowd (those 35 or less).

 

I think we all hope for the perfect relationship. Personally, I've lowered my expectations...

You must be attractive then and not without prospects.I could see you being tempted if you were lonely and didn't have many members of the opposite sex after you but this doesn't seem to be the case.Why not pass on this one?

[Rum]

The definition of cheating; doing something with someone other than your SO and knowing that they would not approve is cheating.

 

Just having lunch with another person and not telling your SO is cheating.

If you told him/her, that means you are comfortable enough to know you have no intentions at all, and are open with your spouse.

If for some reason you have that lunch, but purposefully withold that info,then you are probably thinking of doing more with that person so keep it a secret. That is cheating, and that is how bad things begin.

 

It's really that simple.

 

For example, if your wife/husband continuously has lunch dates with someone else but always tells you, but then all of a sudden you don't hear that person's name anymore, or hear about the lunches. Did they stop? Or did he/she stop telling you because he/she knows they are moving deeper into bad territory?

 

So your friend rs, if her husband does not know? she is cheating. if he does know, then she does not have any intentions and thinks your just a cool dude. but maybe after the 3rd, 4th, 5th lunch/dinner, she stops telling her husband, that means she has intentions and is officially cheating.

if you want to get caught up in that? it's your call. but beware my friend, you have no idea what's ahead.

 

oh, and maybe they have an open relationship? she can tell you whatever you want to hear, doesn't mean it's true. if it is, get a written note from hubby then!

if she says it's true, then she is playing you, and probably playing a couple of other dudes on the side as well. so wear protection, and beware the consequences. they will come a knocking later.

 

why not just play safe and pick a single babe? there must be a few out there.

 

--Rum

 

 

This is very interesting. I guess it all goes with our definition of cheating. Some people view thinking of someone else romantically as cheating. Others think dinners are ok. There are even some of think that anything less than intercourse is not cheating.

 

If you were thinking of that person and knew him enough to invite him to a concert, I think this qualifies as emotional infidelity. I'm not saying it's right or wrong - just that it happens all the time. If you had kids, the dilemma would've been much more difficult.

 

I think we are all quick to judge those who stray but with half of the marriages ending up in divorce, there is obviously something wrong with the system.

[rs.dallaire]

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it.

 

I personally would never approach a married person. I am still shocked that this one has approached me.

 

I have no intention of pulling any moves on her. I'm mostly very intrigued as to what her intentions might be.

 

If it's essentially just dinner, then it would be 3 hours in good company.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Do you think you could participate in an affair?

 

Would you be able to accept being the 'other man', and having to keep any developing relationship a secret?

 

If this woman isn't interested in leaving her husband, would you continue to be involved with her?

You seem intent on going but these are questions I wish I had asked myself before getting involved myself with a married woman.She isn't leaving and I fell in love with her.Emotional affairs are devastating[i guess all affairs are].

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

she asked me out to dinner? fine, im not going to think of it as a date but just for fun...........i'd go, and if she pay i'd order the most expensive thing

[Melody77]

Interesting. So on this principle, you do not have any male friends?

 

Do you believe a married woman can have friends of the opposite sex?

 

No, you didn't read my post right. I said unless it is a long time friend or if my husband comes with us. I mean I could go out for dinner with a long time friend but I don't see why my husband wouldn't come with us, right? That's what I meant.

 

I wouldn't want my husband to go out for dinner with a female coworker without asking me to go with them - out of question!! I would be like: * * * ??

 

On the other hand, it seems more 'natural' to me if you go out for lunch with a coworker, that is something usually. Although I alway try to go with several coworkers and not only 1 man because I don't want any misunderstanding. Plus, I might be thinking too much but we've just had a seminar about sexual harassment at work and you would be very surprised to hear some of the stories the lawyer told us...

 

So in this particular case, I'm just saying, she's probably looking for something more than friendship unless she and her husband are VERY 'openminded'. I would be very careful.

[rs.dallaire]

We went for dinner yesterday and had a fantastic meal. My friend looked stunning.

 

After a couple of drinks, she became really flirtatious.

 

To make a long story short, we had quite a bit to drink and ended up at my place. We didn't go all the way but almost.

 

She left in a cab at 11 pm.