the ravings of a teenage nobody

[stranded247]

So mediocre weekend, pretty decent date with michael. I havn't gotten a message from him or anything of recent so maybe he's lost interest *sigh* oh well..

Its my birthday this weekend but well I dont want it to be my birthday. I may have a small thing at my house with cake and champagne, I'm not sure yet. I feel I have to almost...

Life is just a bit dull...nothing seems to be going anywhere. Oh I got into another sixthform college, it was like my second choice but loads of my friends who tried and are intelligent havn't gotten in so I guess its a nice ego boost. I'm just disappointed cos I feel like michael wont message me back or anything, but its nice to be let down quickly. I'm not gonna message or call him. I dont chase guys. Just NO. not anymore.

[stranded247]

Okay so today Kate came in with this giant red velvet cake as she calls it, she bakes, it was a friend birthday. Anyway I was trying to be healthy today but everyone always thinks of me as the girl who is constantly on a diet and who never eats chocolate so they all offered me a slice. I tried to get out of it with my lactose intolerant excuse, but kate said it was icing so not cream so I had a little slice. It was very delish. But I felt awfully guilty for the rest of the day so I walked all the way home from school which is an hour and a half walk, I reckon its over 7 miles seeing as I walked from one side of London to another where I live. And guess what, that guy I hooked up with on a drunken night two weeks ago, the guy I thought I would never see again just out of sods law happens to cross me in the street. I did a double take and jumped into a barber shop and hid. He saw me though ](*,) and then I got weird looks for being in a male barber shop and then running out again. S'all kinda funny. He was wearing his school uniform and oh my god its a different sight all together. Heh I found the whole experience strangely funny. The fact that two weeks ago we had been in a really awkwardly intimate situation and then sobered up on the street and I hide from him. I know it was him for sure cos I remember him telling me what area he lived in and I looked at the tube station accross the road and it was his area alright.

[stranded247]

So tomorrow is my birthday, I couldn't be less excited. Nothing is happening, except me going out for dinner with my parents. I was invited to matt's house last night for a party, I didn't go, a huge surge of insecurity hit me and made me nervous so voila I found myself in the kitchen eating crap and then of course I couldn't possibly go out because I felt too fat. Apparently it was really good too, loads of people came, I always seem to go to his parties on the crappy nights. Oh well I went to eli's played sims 2 and just relaxed and ate crap food and then made myself sick...its awful. I basically researched how effective this whole thing is and from what I can decipher its very subjective, either a person will drop a ton of weight or gain or just stay the same...so it seems pointless. I was bullemic when I was 13 for a couple of months but then my parents found out and so I had to stop and I dont remember it ever really affecting my weight. It was really stupid considering that at the time I was around 35-40 kilos, as if I needed to lose weight!

So I guess its pointless and will only damage my esophagus and my mental health. I have a horrible fear of the past repeating itself.

Let me explain. Exactly this time last year I suddenly gained a ton of weight as I had been starving myself and then I started to eat normally because I had exams and so I puffed out, then I became very socially withdrawn and pretty much had no social life. I had zero confidence, boys pretty much lost any interest in me, Chloe and Pedro were my only friends, I hid during the weekends and tried to avoid social plans. I felt so crap it wasn't true and I used to come home and cry everyday, the thing is I wasn't even that overweight and I had a low thyroid I didn't know about. And it was around this time last year. But before that I had been having a brilliant time and things were going really well and this guy was constantly pursuing me but then he randomly lost interest and then my social life disappear and bam everything was horrible. And I have this irrational fear that the same thing will happen this year because, almost everything this year has been the same as last year and it frightens me because I dont want to go through such a bad time again. And I feel like I need to make constant changes to somehow stop the past repeating itself. I'm just so stressed and my exams seem to be the last thing I care about and I'm really scared I will fail my exams, like I did last year. And that would be awful because it matters if I fail my GCSE's and I've done so well this year, I need to keep it. I'm just really scared and I cant voice this to anyone, I always dig my own hole and I have no one to go to except myself because its so irrational no one could possibly understand or help me. And besides when it comes down to it all, I'm the only person who can help myself anyway. Its all got to come from me.

[stranded247]

Age 17

 

* Get a Provisional Licence and take Driving Test

* Be sent to prison

* Girls can join the armed forces with parental consent

* Apply for a helicopter pilots licence

* Be a blood donor

Wow look at all these things I can do. The first one, there is no point in learning to drive in London plus no one is paying for my driving licence or car and I thought I'd save the environment some stress for a couple of years.

Prison, well dang lets hope I avoid that. Hmmmm armed forces? I've always wondered, seems kinda fun but I hate cold showers and being bald, could NOT do that. Wow flying a helicopter would be AWESOME. Dont have the money to do that. And as for the blood thang, I give away my blood every month for blood tests to check up on my autoimune disease so no thanks. Next year is when it gets fun methinks. Plus I plan to actually have some sort of bad ass party.

Anyway today was good. Just went out for dinner avec la famille. It was good food mmm. Am so full. Got really nice clothes and money etc. I reckon I may get a few things tomorrow at school from friends and such.

Also I am getting my hair dyed in two weeks again ahhh!! And my mum has said that if I'm worried about last year repeating itself she will help me stop it, she said if I wanted to lose weight for the summer I could go to weight watchers with her, she's never done it but she wants to try it. I guess it would be embarrassing cos I'd be the only person my age there and technically i'm not overweight but I think it would be a great motivation for me so I may go this thursday as there is a meeting at 7pm near me. I really hope that 17 is a good age. I got loads of cute birthday message from people, even girls from my school who are popular and dont usually talk to me. Ben was so sweet he did this whole countdown thing till my birthday, texting me saying "three hours, two hours your 17!!". He also said he wished he could be with me on my birthday. I mostly enjoyed being 16.

[bobsiesprincess]

happy (belated) birthday stranded! hope u had a gd one. xxx

[stranded247]

Thanks bobsies! It was good, hope all is going well for you and exams etc. xxx

[stranded247]

I love threeday weekends, its been relaxed but good. Friday I saw an old friend, Nicole and we studied some chinese history together whilst catching up, hadn't seen her in ages despite her living about 10 minutes away from me-which is crazy but we don't have a lot in common however we really got on. Saturday I studied for russian and saw ben, dave and adam for the usual movie et pizza. Twas nice. Sunday worked on russian, went for a walk and relaxed. Today I did a lot of french studying with my mum which was good-feel quite confident and then I just got back from seeing Chloe.

 

It was really nice, we just hung out in a park and the weather is really sunny at the moment and generally I felt so mellow, mostly because we were smoking but now I reek so its not something I'd make habit of. We were going to buy a pregnancy test because my period is late and I've been freaking out about that guy, because he touched me after he ejaculated I think (sorry to be so graphic urgh). And now i'm sort of freaking out. But were both big wimps and all the chemists and pharmacy's seemed to keep their pregnancy tests behind the counter and I wasn't gutsy enough to ask for one. But I doubt i'm pregnant-i mean I didn't even have sex. Whats the likelyhood? If my period hasn't come by june then I will have to get one regardless of my embarrassment. But I'm hoping its just cos I'm stressed that its been delayed. Also scrap weight watchers idea, I've been writing down everything I eat on a daily basis and my mum has been making all my meals and telling me what to eat. Its actually incredibly easy, I'm allowed to snack on fruit and nuts which is great and have three meals a day. Its so easy, way better than starving and making myself sick and I think i'm loosing weight: I've only been doing this for five days so I have not bothered to weigh myself yet, will do so on saturday when I finally get my hair done again yay!!! Also I've got my orals exams this week and friday is my last day ever of that horrible school woooo!!! My induction week for my new college starts on the 30th June so that is my huge motivation to lose weight and summer. I want to go to my new college feeling really confident about my body So everyday I write down what i've eaten and how much exercise I've done and then I give it to my mum and she grades it-lame I know but its really motivating in a perverse way lol, so far I'm all A's and even some A*'s And my fencing coach called me up and asked me if I wanted to compete in this national fencing competition on the 29th of June so I'm gonna do that which will be cool and I got my british fencing membership card which is awesome and I represent my local borough and I get t-shirts and hoodies with my fencing club's logo which is awesome-I feel like an athlete hehe. Its all good-lets just pray I'm not pregnant!

[stranded247]

I'm not pregnant!! Phew!!!!

[stranded247]

So I had my first GCSE yesterday-religious studies-it was a difficult paper but its over and I never ever have to do religious studies again THANK GOD-well thats a lie. I've got my ethics paper on the 16th June but the philosophy is done and I wont ever have to have another lesson with that boring germanic cold woman. I've done my russian and french orals too-they went pretty well I think. Except in russian I was so nervous I spoke a sentence of french and then had to correct myself in russian heh.

 

Oh and I've gotten a job at this hippy health food store/bistro and juice bar-its one of the only three raw food eateries in London-its so cool! My mum is really into health and we have all that shiz like spelt bread, quinoa, goji berries and hemp seeds etc-when I was younger I used to hate it, I wanted to be like all the other children and have chocolate bars and white bread sandwhiches with jam and peanut butter and I used to scowl at my rye goats cheese sandwhich. But now I pretty much love all this health stuff, I thinks its because ever since I was 14 and gained copious amounts of weight and discovered I had this thyroid problem I started to care about what I ate and now this stuff tastes good to me, although like anyone else I'm a fan of all things deadly. So yeah this healthfood store is awesome and all the guys there are pretty hot. I get paid £6 an hour which is like $12 in US terms I guess its pretty good. And the woman who runs the shop wants me an hour after school everyday. I had this huge argument with my mum on the way to the hairdressers because she said she would buy me a ticket to reading and then she just decided she wasn't going to because it was spoiling me and that I had to work for these things.

So anyway my summer is going to be boring but I figure I will just use it to work and make money and then go out in the evenings if I can get invited to parties or see friends if they are here. I got my hair dyed again-I'm uber blonde-think jessica simpson and this time I got a really layered cut so its really cool but my mum went to France and took the straightening tongs with her and I washed and dried my hair and it went poof so now I'm wearing it back to avoid having some sort of bruce springsteen do goin on.

What with exams my social life and everything else that usually keeps me going is dead. I think its so stupid to have exams right before summer. Also to add to this misery my thyroid is playing up again and I'm going to have to go and see a doctor for a second opinion because my metabolism is still like an old old woman. I've taken to the solace of books again, I just finished reading "Playing with the Grown Ups" by Sophie Dahl, its meant to be semi-autobiographical paticularly depicting the relationship between her and her mother Tessa Dahl who dragged her all over the word and had a suicide attempt and severe drug addictions. I love Roald Dahl and its sad to think that in reality he was meant to be unmonogomous and apparently not a good father. I like sophie dahl-her writing is good but its sad to think she had such an unstable life. At first I envied her but by the end I pitied her. I would mostly trade a glamorous cool lifestyle for a happy and stable one anyday.

[stranded247]

just maybe I might be allowed to go to the lake district with dave and pedro after GCSE's, adam and pedro's girlfriend may come too. God Pedro has just not bothered at all with me this year. I mean he's made feeble attempts. I miss him. And I'm mad that he forgot my birthday-not like I wanted a present, just a friendly text-thats all. I feel like he doesn't like me anymore. I think he's resentful of how close I've become to his friends and he feels alienated because we always hang out in places that are over 30 minutes distance from his house-thus not being convienient for him and then he goes: "I cant be arsed, its such a fking trek!". So he never comes along, and when he does, he seems resentful. He's a selfish boy, but I miss him, and I also have too much pride to text or call him, I feel he has to be the one to call me first. Over the years he's been a good friend, despite his major downfalls, which we all have, I myself am guilty of many faults. According to my mum I am: mercenary; a hustler; stubborn; bossy; demanding in my expectations of others and in my relationships with people and judgemental. Mostly all of that is true except I don't think I'm a hustler or mercenary.

I did my maths paper today, non calculator, it was so much easier than the practise papers we did. I'm glad as maths is my weakest subject but its unfair. The government is awful-each year they make exam papers easier and easier so that they can present the country with a bunch of false stats claiming our students are getting higher grades each year and more people are getting A's and A*'s than ever before-when in reality they are just dumbing it down. Its hardest on the people who are naturally talented and intelligent as they no longer outshine others-everyone can get an A*.

[stranded247]

I love tea. LOVE IT-its the non-alcoholic answer to all of lifes problems. I also want to start making short films and learn how to animate. Its something I've wanted to do for over a year now. I've been making money at my new job so I think I should go out and buy a camera. But i've already bought a ticket to see ash, am going with adam, ben, patrick and suprisingly pedro who is a hardcore 80's hard rock fan. I dont like ash much, dont even listen to them but hey it looks fun and the lead singer is quite nice looking heh.

Oh what else. I'm also saving up to see morrisey play at the 02 wireless festival along with beck and some other bands-should be coool. And also I dont actually have a metabolism so I've gotta go to the doctor yet AGAIN-stoopid problems.

[stranded247]

Ah I feel so much happier. For the past three weeks or so I've pretty much not gone out or done any socializing. I like to be alone, I enjoy my own company but when you spend three bloody entire weeks just studying and not seeing friends its NO fun. I am also on half term, so I have a week to study for my exams next week, its crazy I have a horrible timetable next week, I think there is one day where I will do three nasty exams in one day! But I guess I'm sort of half way through my GCSE's. But I gave myself friday and saturday off because I NEED A BREAK. I will work today but I'm still having a grasse matinee. So Friday was so nice I just did my thing, read my books, bought this cute french book called "Chez Moi" which I'm reading in between "The Mandarins" which is far more intellectual but they are both french. And I bought Roald Dahl's "tales of the unexpected". I love Dahl, I read all his childrens book as a child and I read Kiss Kiss but apart from that I havn't read much of his adult books. And yesterday my Mum drove me to this amazing place in Oxford called Bister Village where they have all these designer clothes stores at discount prices. And she bought me three really pretty dresses. One was tommy hilfigher, another ralph lauren and the other was a french connection dress-ahhh they are so nice! And I go this beautiful cardigan from ted baker and its so french and cute I love it. And last night I saw the gang for a film and pizza, it was nice, then I went back to Eli's. So I can definitely say I feel somewhat more uplifted. Also Pedro asked to meet up which is nice, there is so much I want to tell him.

[stranded247]

Oh dear, last night I was teasing ben, because the other night a bunch of wannabe gangsters got on the bus and shouted at him to "shut up" and then he went really quiet and untalkative and looked kinda scared. And then I stupidly teased him and said "awww ben it was so cute how scared u looked". I totally did not realise how emasculating that is. And then he was like "no you idiot the guy was tiny and its not like he was carrying a knife". So I replied with "ouch no need to be snappy, dont need to call me an idiot". And then he was like "well I'm kinda allowed to seeing as you just think I'm some dopy guy who stares at screens all the time and who has no brains at all". Then I was like "no!! I dont think that i'm really sorry..." yada yada yada-he ignored me and signed offline. So I told adam and he said: "If I'm really honest, I think that ben does have a crush on you, I may be wrong, but that would make sense as to why he got so offended."

I feel bad, Adam's not the only person who's told me they think Ben likes me. I sent him a little sorry message but I dont think he's got it yet.

I mean he's always like "awww I love you!" and when I show him ugly pictures of me he insists I look amazing and he's always really complimentary and he never ignores my texts, when we meet up its just us two alone before the others arrive he has this big grin on his face that makes him look really happy to see me when I hug him. It would make sense, but he also told me that he was practically in love with his best friend's ex girlfriend and then he moaned about it for ages until I got bored...so I dont know, Adam thinks that was a cover.

To be honest I'm really conflicted here. Its so nice to have a guy who treats me so nicely and makes me feel really good about myself and I do like him. I think part of me is attracted to him but then there is the age, I just turned 17 and he's not 16 till july. Isn't that a bit sad for me to like him, its like almost two years in difference, I mean he certainly looks older than me but still. If we were say in our twenties-it would be fine but we are still kids and I think he is emotionally quite a bit younger than me and while he's great to talk to and I can totally trust him and he's an awesome friend when it comes to have serious discussions and talking about literature and things of a somewhat intellectual level he has no interest, he's not dumb at all, i think he's clever but I just dont think it would work and part of me wants it but the other part doesn't and I still like David more than I like him so I kind of think it cant happen. But then again I feel bad flirting back with him and letting him treat me so nicely when it may lead to nothing, eventually something is gonna have to come out and I worry I will have to choose to be with him or to not be his friend at all or something...argh I might as well enjoy our friendship even though its not completely platonic while it lasts. Who knows maybe I'm kidding myself...maybe he's not attracted to me at all but just a really friendly and caring person, I've seen him be nice to other girls-so I'm sure its quite possible.

[stranded247]

I shouldn't be writing in here, I should be studying. I'm kind of panicking. I've got a maths paper tomorrow. I've done quite a fair bit of maths revision but not a lot recently. I've done little history and so for the past three days I've attempted to study for that. I'm quite good at history. I did some past papers at school which I had not studied for and managed to get A's and A*'s but still I want to get good results in history. And then I've got chemistry, I'm good at chemistry but its one of those subjects I've left till last minute and now I AM FREAKING OUT.

I just attempted to do a maths paper, got half way through and I'm semi giving up-its soooo difficult!! I know the real thing wont be half as bad as this practise paper but its still very discouraging. I'm predicted an A in maths but whether I will get that is questionable.

Anyway on thursday I went to Pedro's house and we caught up. It was nice. He buggered up my ipod with his linux system so I had to leave it as his house and then come collect it once he had fixed it. He nosily browsed through all my photo's and files. I don't mind the files part but the photo's thing is a touch too personal-it annoys me. Friday was really nice, I met up with Chloe in the evening, we got chinese takeout filled with additives which I treated her to seeing as she had no money and then I gave her most of mine as I hate the idea of putting funny chemicals into my body. And then we went to this pub del ponte's and met some people-kevin and matt and all those kinda assholes were there. Except they now treat me with respect seeing as I refused to go to their parties if they treated me like * * * * . But kevin was like: "why arn't you drinking?! dont be anti-social blah blah" and then when we had to get a lift back he was like: "you can sit on my lap ", he can be so annoying. That annoyed me, I refuse to drink during my exams but I did smoke which is just as bad and then suddenly I turned really green and was about to be sick which was not nice-apparently smoking is really bad for the thyroid especially when you have a low thyroid-oops! But me and chloe had our chats at 1am in the morning. We're getting on well, she's not trying so hard to fit in and she's getting annoyed with gaby. Also I've decided right before the induction week of my new college and straight after my exams I'm going on the lemon cayenne pepper detox for 10 days, just so I'm super svelte for it. I dont believe in diets in general. This may not be the best thing for long term weight loss but generally people gain the weight back from it because they instantly start eating solid foods straight after and tend to over eat-which ruins all the good work that has been done. You've gotta spend those 4 days returning to normal. Ah and also the healthfood store I work at is soo cool, they're all going to glastonbury festival this summer and the woman's 18 year old son is coming to help out, hopefully's he's hot, hehe. Even if most of my friends are away this summer I will be able to make lots of money and keep in contact with the people I will meet at my induction week. I keep having anxiety dreams about my new college. I kind of think its a good thing that I really dont have high expectations of this place, because with my last school which I have just left-I had SUCH high expectations and it ended up being the worst years of my life. I mean year 11 has been pretty good though but that school-urgh! So yeah I know that this college will probably be very high schoolish with many nasty people and lots of competitive girls that I will dislike but I'm sure it will also be an interesting experience and there will have to be some nice people who I will hunt down and befriend.

N.B. Please forgive my awful grammar and my constant ramblings.

[stranded247]

I've come to realise recently that no matter how happy and confident I feel there are people who will always go out of their way to make me question myself. I always thought up until recently that most people would try to be nice to you and if they dont like you they will at least leave you alone. But what disgusts me is that I've recently discovered that some people actually just take pleasure in upsetting others for no reason. I will only go out of my way to be nasty to someone if they are directly nasty to my face and cross me in a way that I find unforgivable. Other than that I will try to be pleasant and civil even if I dont like someone. But some people are just nasty for the sake of it. And I know people are always like "this is a tough world-people are assholes" blah blah. But I always believed it was cynical and negative people. But now I really see that some people really are like that and it makes me sad. I know people always complain about the world and the way things are but they do so with good reason. Recently I've been looking at everyone in this world and whats so wrong with society and the more I think about it the sadder I get. And then it maks me really angry. Why do people have to be like this?! And then I look at myself and I wonder if people think: "why does she have to be like that?" and to be honest some probably think that about me. Because I am probably just as guilty as other people for all the bad things going on. But I really do try to be nice, I'm not selfless or some religious saint and I can be very selfish but I hate upsetting people and I know I really try to be nice and friendly. Some people can be cold which makes me colder but I try. I always have this thought in my head that if there was a book and in it printed all the things and conversations people had about you and said about you. Even people who just passed you on the street and their impressions of you. I'm pretty sure my book would contain about 50% of people sayings that I'm a horrible girl/ugly person/fat/nasty/weird/strange/ * * * * /dog-you name it, those insults would be there. But I also like to think that in that book, if over half of it was negative at least 40% would be positive. There would be people who have said the nastiest things imaginable about me and if I knew about it, it would probably deeply upset me. But once I got to the positive section I know that even if it was a lot smaller than the negative it wouldn't matter. Because I'd know that you cant win and for every 10 people that hate you and think your worth nothing there has to be one person who see's that your amazing. And as cheesy as that sounds its the one thing that cheers me up when people are horrible and nasty to me or reject me. I know there are people that love me, not a lot of people do but the love I have no matter how few people its from is enough to make those negative comments and insults not matter even if they outweigh the positive. The positive is always going to be stronger and matter more. If you let the negative get you down forever you might as well not live.

I call it bouncing back up. Bad stuff always happens to everyone, even people who pretend their life is perfect and try to retain a glossy image. Sometimes I let stuff get to me and it takes me a really long time to let go of it and not let it affect me. But I always come back up in the end and ignore it. It just becomes something that used to upset me-something I know is not true. I don't care if 10,000 people try to convince me I am worthless, its not true. I know its not and I refuse to let people have that kind of power over me. Even if they make me question myself and my own beliefs about myself, I'm still right and they are wrong.

[stranded247]

I took some of my brothers ritalin for my exams today, I studied till 11pm last night and drank lots of coffee and then I couldn't sleep-only got like 4 hours. So then I asked my mum to just let me take the ritalin even though I've never tested it out or even needed it prescribed to me. Now I feel quite awful. Just yuck, I need 48 hours of sleep. I have russian tomorrow but I am far too tired to even study and if I did I would need lots of caffeine and then I would have to repeat today all over again. After russian tomorrow I'm giving myself the day off and buying new sunglasses and seeing the new sex in the city movie. I just feel like two years of slaving away for this one exam is going to go to waste because I've worked so hard but its been like over 3 weeks since I've properly revised russian and I'm really worried I wont do myself justice. Sheesh. Chemistry was dire although I did manage to solve the empirical formula question.

Bzzttttt.

Bedtime.

[bobsiesprincess]

hope russian went ok stranded.

 

I have russian tomorrow but I am far too tired to even study and if I did I would need lots of caffeine and then I would have to repeat today all over again.

 

when you get to this stage, the best thing really is to not study, you cant help how your body feels. if you force yourself to study at this stage you wont learn anything anyway. a good sleep is what you need.

 

I just feel like two years of slaving away for this one exam is going to go to waste because I've worked so hard but its been like over 3 weeks since I've properly revised russian and I'm really worried I wont do myself justice.

 

i have felt like this countless times, but it has never happened. if you put in the work over the course, you will get the mark you deserve, i promise. exam period is hectic, and its hard to put everything in. but its really just revision, youve done all the learning and hard work throughout the year. just stay calm and know you have done what you can.

 

After russian tomorrow I'm giving myself the day off and buying new sunglasses and seeing the new sex in the city movie.

 

good call! you need days off and treats when studying. hope u get nice big sunglasses. SATC is awesome, ull enjoy it, gd girlie fun!

[stranded247]

Its her fault, she's too weak in character and she'll go along and satisfy the crowd at the risk of a friendship with someone who actually cares about her. She wont even defend me properly when people slag me off. She knows that if she defends me they wont be friends with her and she'd rather loose my friendship than theirs..so be it! I'm still going to Jessica's party but apart from that she can forget seeing me this summer. I'm not a human doormat, nor am I some easily depressed victim like she makes out, the only time I become a victim is when she treats me like this. I wont have it. I have other friends now who are honest and wont treat me like that so I don't need her. She thinks she has me wrapped round her little finger. pffffttt not any more you don't!

[stranded247]

So I've got one GCSE left and the majority of my friends are finished and so they are out celebrating. My last GCSE is on monday. And I can smell the freedom of summer. I feel like a tiger in a cage at the zoo who is the last tiger to be released into the wild along with its fellow tigers. Just thought that analogy neatly summed up my feelings at present.

It turns out Jessica kicked me off the guestlist, she had "too many people coming-nothing personal". Pffttt..oldest excuse in the book. Clearly she doesn't seeing as Chloe was allowed to invite Gabi who is bringing all her nasty chavvy friends. Anyway it doesn't matter it means I dont have to see chloe and furthermore I have a way better weekend lined up as a result. I know I shouldn't be celebrating just yet but what the heck! My GCSE's are sooo close to finishing. And the last exam is religious studies paper 2 which I find very hard to take seriously.

Anyway tonight as its Friday 13th I'm meeting Adam, Ben, Patrick, David and Louis, we're going to see this horror movie the happening then go out for a meal. Then we are heading back to Adam's and I'm staying the night with louis and ben. We're gonna play poker and other things and then we are going to watch loads of horror movie. I'm really looking forward to it-I LOVE THEM!!

And then on Saturday night I'm going to this rich boy's huge post GCSE bash as he named it. Adam invited me so I'm going with him, louis and ben.

Its gonna be filled with all these really cool kids, whom I dont paticularly like and the really stunning yet nasty girls from my school are going. But hey I'm looking forward to it because there will be some cool people there and I barely ever party with the crew so it will be fun. I promised Adam I wouldn't get paralytically drunk. He doesn't drink: partly to do with his religion (muslim), he has no desire, doesn't need it for confidence or fun, thinks its pointless. I really respect that and I used to be the same and to be honest I dont enjoy drinking unless I'm with my etonian cousins in the south of france drinking rose late into the afternoon and even then I feel demurely drunk because they are such toffs.

Anyway I may get merry and cheerful but I'm not going to get drunk. English kids dont know the meaning of drinking responsibly they just drink to get rat arsed. Its quite sad. Ben plans on getting drunk. Adam said the most embarrassing thing. He said he would look after me and stop me from doing anything stupid like going off with random guys and dancing on tables but if I ended up in a dark corner with ben he would just laugh. Oh god-dont let that happen!

I made £73 yesterday from all my 10 hours of hard work at the health store. So I'm going to buy a really nice dress for this party. Apparently this guy has an indoor pool so people may swim if they like. Hell no for me-I'm far too body conscious! Especially in front of loads of guys. But on monday I am going on the master cleanse diet so I will loose a lot of weight. I'm thinking that perhaps I will keep a mastercleanse journal here. Because whilst researching the master cleanse I found the most useful information about it from people who kept online journals about their cleanse. I'm going to have to make a hell of a lot of excuses socially. My guy friends will think I'm nutty if I tell them I cant come out with them for pizza because I'm only existing soley on lemon and maple syrup. Besides I dont like to admit to people I have body hang ups. I'm one of those people who will lie about being on a diet, I tell no one because I've noticed as soon as you mention your on a diet suddenly friends pull out the chocolate cake and fries and are like "its so lame that your on a diet! Your skinny (blatent lie) come on eat this donut with me!!".

I know the cayenne pepper is seen as very faddish and that the majority of people gain at least half the weight back. However the fatal mistake the majority make is as soon as they come off it they dive into their old habits of eating badly and dont ease off the diet. For example the first day you come off it you only drink strong juices, the next day you drink vegetable broth and juice, the next day you can have juice, broth, salad and maybe some nuts (small portions and not a lot) and then the next day you resume to eating three whole meals a day. However your not meant to just eat cereal, sandwhiches and such. The whole point is that the detox kills sugar cravings and gives you a smaller appetite and more control over your willpower.

I read this woman's journal and she reported that she lost a lot of weight and of course she gained about 5lbs or so back but she kept the majority of it off after eating healthily and it made her hate the taste of sugar, crave lots of fruit and vegetables and only want to eat a little meat. I dont mind gaining 5lbs or so back. So yeah as of monday-its abstinance all the way. My mum has agreed to let me do it. She's also going to buy me some 2-3 kilo dumbells and we are going to go power walking with them every morning early in the morning. I may go to a few parties next week but I'm going to pretend to drink by having a glass in my hand but I'm not planning on actually drinking it. And my college induction week is soon 30th june-main reason for me wanting to do this cayenne pepper thing.

[stranded247]

Wow I've had a nice weekend. I spoke to my mum about how I always felt self-conscious in social situations and how I had these negative thoughts. So she had a long conversation with me about what I could do to change this. She's writing a book for the economist about coaching so its become a little expertise of hers and she's always very positive. To be honest I've always found that kind of stuff a little hmmmm phony? But we discussed what I could do and came up with several things:

1. Buy an outfit which makes me feel amasing for the party

2. Focus on other people and really listen to what they have to say and engage with them. Dont think about your insecureties-think about them.

3. Think about some really good times and memories where people were really nice to me, counter negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

4. Dont compare yourself to other girls.

5. Remember you dont have to be a skinny girl to have guys notice and like you.

6. Be friendly and nice to all the girls from your school at the party even if you dont like them.

7. If someone re-introduces you to your old boyfriend dont get awkward and shy or be standoffish, be polite and friendly.

Well I pretty much did all of that and I bought the cutest outfit its very fashionable but totally flattering. Its very in with the nautical trend. I wore a navy blue rara skirt with a cream trim about it. Then I wore a navy tank top with a cute navy ribbon at the front, a pretty short sleeved blue and white stripy cardigan that was very summery and black round toe patent leather heels that made me look nice and tall but were easy to walk in and made my legs look awesome The whole outfit cost me £91 But I paid for it all with my hard earned cash. I think when your buying clothes from your own salary suddenly your very careful to only choose clothes that look amazing on you.

So Friday was great fun. I met up with the gang and David was there. Louis wouldn't hug me cos I was late-it was a joke. But dave came upto me and gave me a big hug and said "good to see you! how are you? all going good?". I found that so nice. Then we went back to adam's place and me Adam and Dave took some really cool but fun photo's of ourselves on his laptop whilst ben and louis jammed on their guitars. And Dave wanted me to sit next to him so he was like "I'll move up but only cos its you" hehe I'm glad he still says stuff like that. Then we played texas hold 'em poker and Adam's 26 year old brother joined in and so did his cousin. They'd all played countless times but that was pretty much my second game. I single handedly took about 5 of them all out of the game with several royal flushes And they were all like "its fluke she doesn't know what she's doing!" and dave defended me saying, "actually you guys are the idiots she's just pretending she doesn't know so you guys doubt her whilst she bluffs". So I didn't win but I survived the game till the end and was one of the last two people playing. And then we stayed up ridicoulously late, dave left but me, louis and ben slept over. It was really fun but we only got 4 hours sleep. Thanks louis and ben who are actually inseparable when together and wont stop talking.

I realised something, all my friends are just older versions of my little brother. They were teasing me for only hanging out with guys and then we came to the conclusion that I was a feminine tomboy and they said that was cool.

The party last night was really good, Ben said I looked really nice. And all the girls from my school who I consider a little too cool and somewhat cold came upto me and hugged me. But ironically the girls from my old school who are friends with chloe and whom I've known since I was about 6 years old were really frosty and to quote the old saying "if looks could kill..." well her look was as cold as ice. But that didn't bother me one bit. Anyway my ex's girlfriend from school came up and hugged me and was like "hey how are you?" she was so sweet and then my ex boyfriend came up. And instead of being standoffish I beamed at him and asked him how he was (even thought things have been really awkward between us and I havn't spoken to him for over a year nor had we settled any of the awkwardness), he smiled back and gave me a hug and a kiss. So that wasn't too akward, except I asked them if there was anywhere I could get a drink and then she handed me a bottle of unopened wine and I didn't know how to open it so I said "oh no thanks" and she gave me a funny look lol. I spent most of the night dancing with guys. Infact all the girls from school were really surprised that I was just in a big group of guys and they were in packs of girls. There was so much positive about this night. I felt really good about myself. And of course there were a few negative but I chose to ignore them. I didn't get drunk but I managed to trade my cool wafer sunglasses to be borrowed for the evening in return for a glass of white wine.

Ben was really sweet to me the whole night, and to be honest I do think a big part of me likes him back. But I think its better I leave those feeling alone.

Anyway this morning to make things even better I decided to step on the scales without freaking out, I expected I would weigh more or be the same as last time but I've lost three lbs and I'm going on the cayenne pepper diet tomorrow. However one problem is that I've done pretty much next to no revision for religious studies and I may fail if I dont cram for it today so wish me luck! Its funny, I really dont need Chloe. I havn't been this happy since last time I wasn't friends with her. This year has truly been good.

[stranded247]

DAY 1

I finished my last exam today on the cleanse, as my exam started at 9am and finished at 11am I wasn't too hungry but by the end of the exam my stomach was making really embarrassing noises. The lemonade tastes quite nice, I don't find the cayenne pepper to be too spicy and the maple syrup gives it a really good flavour. I'm so exhausted seeing as last night even though I attempted to go to bed early I couldn't sleep till 1am. So I came home at 12 made some more lemonade and then collapsed until 4pm. I'm still tired. I'm not actually hungry at all. I'm just craving junk foods. The book says you crave what toxins your body is eliminating and right now I would love to eat a pizza and I did eat half a pizza on Friday so that makes sense. Apparently days 2.3 and 7 are the worst. I haven't bought any of the laxative tea yet, kind of bad, I'll have to buy some tomorrow. I went to my local pharmacy and asked for some senna tea but they didn't have it. I'm going to club now to parrttayyyyy with kate-no GCSE's WOOOO!!!

Kate and Alex ended up eating pizza in front of me, It was mental torture but I was too tired to care, I drank about 6 or 7 glasses of the concoction and I stupidly had a cup of rooibos vanilla tea. Uh oh only allowed to drink peppermint tea but what the hell! I wont do it again.

 

DAY 2

I woke up this morning at Kate's and felt fine. I went to her local health food store and managed to find some laxative tea containing senna leaf. They had a whole bunch of it. I bought the "slimatee" because I was too embarrassed to buy the "laxatee"..lame I know. But also the slimatee has senna leaf in it anyway so it should do the trick. I'm surprisingly OK, I'm not hungry at all-just craving foods. I mean whats kind of annoying is that my mum just did her huge weekly shop yesterday and she just bought loads of really yummy food. Like she bought my favourite granola, rice dream milk, lots of fruit like cherries and raspberries. Its all pretty healthy but still I would love to eat it. I think that's just because when I see it, it triggers my cravings and I can smell it. I also bought myself an apple and cinnamon herbal tea by celestial seasoning's who make THE BEST HERBAL TEAS EVER. Seriously they make them sweet using spices without adding sugar its awesome! I'm going to drink it once I come off the cleanse-haha I cant believe I'm excited about trying a different flavour herbal tea!

I just had a cup of this slimatee, its got peppermint in it so it doesn't taste too bad. I'm meant to have the salt water flush but I had that yesterday and it didn't work-I believe that is because the sea salt I used might have been iodized and not non iodized like the book recommends. Apparently I'm meant to drink a "quart" of this salt water flush, what the hell is a quart?! I'm so bad at following the instructions. Anyway the guy says you can drink the laxative tea morning and night if you don't like the salt water flush (he says the flush is more effective but I'm only 17 I'm pretty sure I have healthy bowels). I haven't had any of the lemon stuff yet. I just made some but I've gotta wait a bit. Last night I dreamt of dorcet cereal porridge haha. I eat that stuff most mornings. I really want to do this. I am determined. I will feel so good and proud of myself if I do the 10 days. I also genuinely want to rid my body of these toxins-its not just about loosing weight. I think my body is retaining a lot of fluid for some bizarre reason-it could be to do with my thyroid and my whole hormonal imbalance but I think this cleanse will get rid of all the water retention in me. Strangely enough I feel a little bloated and I haven't eaten anything I think its because I'm still retaining stuff.

21.00-Worked at the health food store, was okay until they told me to carry up some cakes. The smell was sooo good. And downstairs goody was cooking some buff paprika dish-it smelt so nice, I could have just stood there for ages and just smelt it. Wow their mango and raw chocolate smelt good too. But anyway today wasn't too bad. I'm praying tomorrow wont be too harsh on me. I'm gonna take some of that senna leaf tea now. It works and its not too strong fortunately.

 

DAY 3

The only way I'm gonna do this, is to take it one day at a time. Last night I dreamt that pigged out on cookies and that I had a bunch of school work I hadn't done and I felt really guilty in my dream. And then I woke up and remembered my exams are over so I have NO WORK!! And I haven't eaten a thing so its all good in the hood. I've lost 2lbs so far on this cleanse. And if you add that to the weight I've lost over the weekend that's 5lbs. I woke up feeling fine, so far I'm not craving any food and one glass of the lemonade has satisfied me and its almost 1pm. I'm still in my pyjama's heh. I feel really good on this. I know the book says day 2,3 and 7 are the worst. Day 2 was okay for me, day one was the hardest so far and I also feel fine now so maybe if I can make it through today I will feel really good tomorrow. The herbal tea is working but I feel guilty not drinking that flush. I'm going to attempt to do some light exercise today as the book suggests. So I will go for a brisk 2 mile walk or something. We'll see how I feel, then I've gotta do some pricing at the healthfood store.

Irrelevant part not related to master cleanse

Also I know this is irrelevant but I'm happy hehe! Last night Adam was teasing me about being ugly. And then he was like "no I'm just kidding, your very pretty, some might even say beautiful". WOW I did not know he thought that. Its so nice when a boy tells you your good looking because it always seems so much more genuine coming from guys. I never really feel "very pretty" let alone "beautiful", I know I can look attractive but ehh its hard for me to feel it ya know. I'm always surprised if someone takes a good picture of me to the extent I doubt its me or I convince myself the picture is deceiving.

[stranded247]

DAY 4

Yesterday was fine for me. Not half as bad as other people make out. However my one complaint is that bloody slimatee! I had to get up several times last night to go to the toilet. Urgh yuck! I might resort to that horrible salt water flush cos at least it gets it over with. I'm going out with friends tomorrow so I might skip the laxative tea just to avoid embarrassment. I mean last night I was a liza's house and suddenly my stomach jerked and I had to run to the bathroom-not pleasant. I have no cravings, I'm not hungry but when I think about food I want it because I remember how good it tastes. I'm getting a little bored of the lemon concoction. I've added more cayenne pepper to my drink, I seem to be able to take quite a lot of it without finding it too spicy which is strange seeing as I find most mild spices really spicy. I've lost 3lbs in total. I kinda feel like I should have lost more. I mean if you add that to the weight I lost before I started this that's 6lbs. But still this is day 4 and supposedly you loose up to 15lbs on the 10 day cleanse, if I'm only dropping at 1lb a day then I'll more likely loose about 10lbs. I mean that's still good but I want to loose more. I guess I will just have to get the rest off myself through a very raw and healthy diet with exercise. At least this is a chance to sort of start over. I really should have lost more seeing as yesterday I went for a a 2-3 mile walk and then I did loads of stacking and running around in the store which was really tiring. I guess the fact that I have a low thyroid will prevent me from loosing as much weight as most people. But my mum commented that I was looking trim and I'm wearing jeans I couldn't fit into very nicely a week ago so its good!

 

DAY 5

So technically I'm halfway through this detox. I skipped the slimatee last night-I wanted a decent sleep. I've lost another pound making my grand total loss on this cleanse 4lbs and if you add that to the weight I lost over the weekend thats 7lbs woo! So half a stone in a week is not too shabby eh? I freaked out last night cos my friend adam suggested we all go swimming sometime this week. There is NO WAY I'M GOING SWIMMING with just a group of boys. I'm just waaayyyyy too body conscious and also I firmly believe that while you can dress well to hide your lumps and bumps in a bikini nothing except your private parts is hidden. I suggested that maybe we could go Monday. I mean I'm not sure if I will feel confident enough after the cleanse is over to go out in a bikini with them-maybe I will. I'm not sure. I mean its weird I keep trying on clothes I tried a week ago that didn't fit too well and now they are loose and its really weird because usually it takes like a month for that to happen. I went to the store to buy more maple syrup this morning and the smell of fresh french bread was soo good and the croissants too. I worry as soon as I come off this I will want to eat all of that crap. However I'm not hungry at all. When I'm not near food I don't think about it. Its when I see or smell it. I've also gotten a really bad breath and my mum thinks its because I'm not drinking enough water. I just realised, I'm really not. Apparently your meant to drink upto a litre or more! Maybe thats why I'm not loosing as fast as others. I'm gonna try and drink a lot today. I just had some of that gross herbal tea.

I also kinda cheated, I read somewhere online that if you were really hungry you could have a teaspoon of black strap mollases, so I had half a teaspoon. I hate that stuff! And yesterday I ran outta maple syrup so I used some agave syrup in my tea instead-oops! Oh well it hasn't affected my weightloss or wellbeing. Much better than eating a solid food I guess. Also I'm cutting down on the amount of maple syrup I'm eating, I read somewhere that if you want to loose more weight you don't have to have 2 tablespoons of maple syrup in the lemonade. So instead I'm putting two small teaspoons in. I'm getting really sick of cayenne pepper. I wish I didn't have to put that in. I have a real temptation to put mint leaves in the lemonade. Mint and lemon is soo nice together. Also I tried on a bikini for my mum cos I was complaining about how I felt way too fat to go swimming with adam and the others. She said she would give me an honest opinion on whether I looked good in a bikini. She said I looked really pretty and "sexy" in a bikini. I cringed at that but still it was nice to hear. She said I looked slim but shapely and my legs looked very good and that I definitely had the figure to now wear bikini's. Well if I go swimming with adam and the others next week I will have lost even more weight and so maybe I will go swimming with them after all.

[stranded247]

DAY 6

So today was hard as I had to do two hours of fencing- I sweated so much. I'm getting really sick of the drink. My mum turned around to me and was like, "hhhmmm i dont know if you'll keep this up for 10 days its getting hard for you." That comment made me SO ANGRY. How dare she try and discourage me!! That was kind of over reacting but it annoyed me. I only lost 0.8lbs today so the total weight loss is 7.8lbs so far. I went to the cinema and out for pizza with just ben and adam. I made an excuse about not having enough money to eat pizza. So I just drank a whole litre bottle of san pelligrino. Ben came back to mine as my parents are away and I have a free house. There was some serious sexual tension as we sat on the sofa lol. It made me cringe how he was edging nearer to me. He's so sweet. Anyway I think the increase in attraction is due my weight loss which has made me trimmer and thus better looking and increased confidence. Knowing I only have about 4 days left of this doesn't make it too bad. I've just got to take this one day at a time.

DAY 7

This day was hellish. I couldn't sleep because all I could think about was food and I got really irratable. But I lost another pound so the weight loss was 8lbs.

DAY 8

I've now lost 9lbs but today I cheated-dont worry I havn't consumed any solid foods. Just well I havn't been 100% following the cleanse. I went shopping with my mum and she bought me a lemon and lime spring water drink and it had a little bit of sugar in it. But considering that maple syrup is pretty much just sugar I don't think it was that big a deal. Also I've started drinking herbal teas that arn't just peppermint tea which I'm not sure is allowed but screw that! I've also switched to limes and ginger because the taste of cayenne pepper is making we wretch and I'm bored of lemons. I really like limes. Apparently using limes and ginger is allowed. So thats good. Usually ginger gives me hiccups but so far i've been ok. People have commented on my clear skin and how well I look. Several people have given me the once over look as if noticing my weight loss but they havn't said anything. I think its because they know I'm a touchy teenage girl so its best not to say anything.

[stranded247]

Today I went to a natropath about my thyroid and went through my whole medical history with her and her medical students and they examined my hair, skin, eyes and nails. She told me that she wanted me to stop fasting and that I should break the cleanse today. She said I was a beautiful girl and that I shouldn't be so focused on my weight. She told me that my weight is not a result of what I do or dont eat-at present its totally controlled by my thyroid and hormones. She said my priorities were wrong and that my whole immune system was weak and inflamed and that this fast would just shut down my metabolism. She explained that I needed to focus on my health first and fixing my thyroid problem and then the weight would go away. She said that I needed to eat a lot more protein and that I should eat snacks of things like fruit and nuts and that my diet is already good but it lacks protein. She also insisted that my mum buy me a lot of probiotics to build the lining in my stomach, I also need zinc suppliments and I have to take a mineral shake.

So when I got home I had the mango mineral shake with water and I broke the fast with a small plate of salad and beetroot and then I had a small bowl of raspberries and strawberries and a glass of rice milk. I feel VERY FULL. My appetite really has decreased on this. I've lost about 10lbs on this whole detox. My mum says I'm slim and I need to stop focusing on my weight. Marina, the natropath, said that if I eat about 50-60g of protein a day and have lots of healthy oils, nuts and seeds in my diet and I aim to eat about 2-3 cups of vegetables a day then I will loose weight. But she said I need to focus on my health and getting rid of my illness and she said she really wanted to stop me from having an eating disorder. I got kind of tearful for somre reason-it was quite embarrassing. I've decided I'm just going to follow marina's advice though and I'm going to only weight myself about once a month now so that I'm not always so obsessed. Its just a number on the scale after all and I guess I'm slim now. I just want to be svelte and that might have to wait a bit. Tonight my mum has to make me a rice soup with chicken broth but no actual chicken pieces and steamed vegetables. tomorrow I have to have the same soup for breakfast and then I can have a lunch of salad and humous with a little rye bread and chicken for dinner and on thursday I can resume to eating normally but of course healthily. I've gotta say-it feels good to eat again and I'm glad that my appetite is supressed.

[duppy_conqueror]

i just read your first post and ur lifei is about ten times more interesting than mine. (im also 17_) its beginning to inspire me to restart a journal but i alwasy fizzle out with those things.