the ravings of a teenage nobody

[emmie_g]

Well done!!

[duppy_conqueror]

congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stranded247]

Two ravens in the old oak tree

And one for you and one for me

And bluebells in the late December

I see signs now all the time

 

The last time we slept together

There was something that was not there

You never wanted to alarm me

But I'm the one that's drowning now

 

I could sleep forever these days

'Cause in my dreams I see you again

But this time fleshed out fuller faced

In your confirmation dress

 

It was so like you to visit me

To let me know you were OK

It was so like you to visit me

Always worried about someone else

 

At your funeral, I was so upset

So, so upset

In your life you were larger than this

Statue, statuesque

 

I see signs now all the time

That you're not dead, you're sleeping

I'd believe in anything that brings you back home to me

 

This song reminds me of Leila, its her birthday on friday, I'm going to put roses on her graveside I think. Its been over three years since I visited her gravestone. I wish she was here sometimes. I wish I could tell her everything that has happened. But sometimes I think she already knows.

[stranded247]

So the past week has been dreary. For some reason and I don't know why but I'm not looking forward to sixth form college anymore-I feel indifferent. Which is so strange because I was pretty excited beforehand and now its just like "oh yeah sixth form..". I just hope I'm making the right choice.

 

Saw Pedro on Wednesday, strangely enough I found him a lot more interesting and enjoyable to be with, I wonder if maybe breaking up with his girlfriend made him less vacuous and more like his old self. Adam and everyone was saying how they thought he'd be all cut up and putting on a brave face and I thought so too. But no, he seemed pretty good to me, I don't think he was putting on a brave face, well maybe he is. He was acting all generous too, like he payed for my drink any everything-he never does that! And then we went back to his house and he bought a pack of 100 condoms off ebay (that is such a pedro thing to do!) and he was like take some! I took two just for jokes-not like I'll be needing them anytime soon but they expire in 2012 and I'll be 21 by then and hopefully not a virgin.

 

Yesterday was grim though, I spent the whole day in my pyjama's and ate my own weight in carbs which was awful as I've lost loads of weight on this protein shake thing and today I still felt pretty crap and fat. This evening my friend Bella had this goodbye gathering because she is leaving for boarding school tomorrow. So it was her and her new boyfriend who is eighteen and completely loaded and hot and this girl sophie and her boyfriend who was alright-a bit of a stupid teenage boy type and me, kate, leyla and angelica. It was funny, it turned out bella's boyfriend is the guy who vandalises our estate's green thing and is always sitting outside my house in his car slightly stoned waiting for his friend and he got yelled at by my dad haha. He was a bit arrogant but in the end he was pretty nice and offered to drive me home. Never actually been driven around by a teenage guy. It wasn't too awkward except when I tried to light up and practically busted his lighter to the extent he asked me if I knew how to smoke. I do, just not lighting up! And tomorrow i'm introducing sandy, kate and sophie to pedro and my friend will. I wanted the others to come too. In a way I'm kinda glad david couldn't come because I like him to myself hehe. I'm so selfish. God I feel so forlorn and just unhopeful which is weird because I've been really happy most of the time. Anyway I'm hoping it will pass-it better pass!

[stranded247]

Well I've definitely perked up since my last entry. Mixing my guy friends with my friends from school went pretty well. The only awkward thing is that Kate seems to like Pedro a lot and I'm not sure he likes her back and here I am in the middle trying to be honest but not brutal. So anyway I refuse to get involved but its nice that my friends can get along so well. Adam is bugging me to introduce a few girls into the group, it will probably be Kate and Sandy as they are my coolest friends. I'm kinda sad though, I really liked being the only girl and getting all that male attention! But oh well, its selfish if I don't. Adam wants us to all meet up this saturday, have a crew meeting, apparently david wants one which is out of character for him. I did text him happy birthday the other day and he said I made his morning as all his friends forgot-poor guy but he is so secretive and private I bet he never once reminded people-luckily I have a very good memory. But I'm already seeing the gang on friday to go to an ash gig minus dave as he's not into music. Oh what the hell we should all have a group gathering. I need to get over myself, just because my friends are stunning doesn't mean I'll be ignored. I am sort of hoping I will possibly get to hang out with some people from my sixth form on saturday.

 

Anyway on a more interesting note my sixthform college has allowed me to do russian and I bumped into this really nice and interesting girl, Sammy who lives on my road and she's just finished her degree at Oxford with a 2:1 where she did english and classics and she got exactly the same GCSE results as me and she told me how GCSE results didn't matter and how everyone told her she was not smart enough to go to oxford but she still got in and that if it is my dream I should not let anyone stop me. She didn't get 10 A*'s but she still got accepted and it really is about so much more than grades. To study russian and english at Oxford is my dream and I've wanted to go to Oxford since I was thirteen. A lot of people will think that the only reason I want to go to such a place is because of its prestige and its elitism-in many ways its true. But what really appeals to me is that it opens thousands of doors. I'm not sure what I want to do but I dont see why its wrong to want to go somewhere where so much oppertunity and rare experience awaits. A lot of people look down on people who openly state their desires to go to Oxford, I'm a little secretive about it, I only tell my close friends and family and even then I do it sheepishly. It seems arrogant of me to even think I'm in with a chance but so what, I want the best for myself just like everyone else. Who knows I may never go to Oxford but I am going to pursue it no matter what anyone else says.

 

I start my first day of sixth form tomorrow which is cool. My goal for then end of this summer was to be happier and more confident in myself and slimmer so I felt better about myself. I think I ticked all those boxes pretty much and if I could just stop comparing myself to other girls I'd probably be uber confident. I hope the next two years go alright-as I've told myself before there is no pain I can't endure. (no ryhming intended).

[stranded247]

Yesterday was my first day of sixth form college, it was so daunting and huge that having Sandy with me was a great comfort. My timetable is filled with free periods as I will be studying my fourth AS Level, Russian, outside of school. My first class was french, which to be honest seemed a little boring, all we did was a worksheet and it was such basic french-I really want to be challenged in french and also I love talking in french as opposed to just writing, of course writing is important too but I've always believed the language should start orally and then you learn the grammar and writing etc. However thats not how french or any other language is taught in this country. But there was the cutest guy in my french class which is a bonus, apparently I'm not the only one who thought he was cute which basically in my opinion makes him off limits.

 

Its strange going to a mixed school for the first time in my life. My teachers at my all girls school told me it was bad to be taught amoungst boys as it is difficult to concentrate if you are attracted someone in your class. I personally think that is BS, I know when to separate work and fun and when to combine them. And then I had my English Class which was fun, there were only 7 people in my class which made it really intimate but I liked having the group discussion. Apparently we are to read the Great Gatsby which I really want to read and then 'The Curious Incedent of The Dog in The Night Time', a book which I read when I was 12, it was a good book but I hate re-reading something unless it is a favourite book, not only that but I think its a bit of a childrens book, I'd prefer to read something heavier and more academic, all my light reading is done outside school so I like to take advantage of reading more serious literature at school especially as I know I will have to finish it whereas at home I will be more tempted to give up reading it if it gets tiresome or too difficult. And then I had economics and I was in a class where I was one of three girls and then there were 20 boys. I think economics is going to be my most challenging subject but I really want to be good at it and I can tell my teacher has already warmed to me a little as I showed a lot of enthusiasm. The people seem pretty cool, a lot of friendly and open people, everyone seems pretty nice and there are a lot of good looking guys but my whole year is huge, I know for the next week I am going to be meeting so many people everyday. I am looking forward to school. Also I love that I can leave campus and go home if I don't have lessons and we finish at 3.20pm as opposed to 4pm like my old school, plus I live so near-its so much easier!

 

Last night was certainly eventful, firstly I met Ben, Pedro, Adam and his older brother to go to an ash gig. It was quite fun but I'm not really an ash fan and also it was the most violent gig I've ever gone to. Pedro was saying how he'd been to death metal gigs where people were better behaved! It got to the point where Pedro and I were right at the front and hundreds of bodies were pressed against us to the extent we couldn't even dance, Pedro looked after me though and he bought me a vodka lemon-he's being so generous these days its scary haha. He said that I should enjoy the ride because he will leech off me soon lol. Anyway my favourite discoball bag got ripped which was really upsetting and I looked like a wreck after the concert so I decided to run home before going to this girl cassie's party to change clothes.

 

I saw Chloe and my god she was drunk and b i t c h y as usual, suprisingly Sadie who is now going to my sixth form with me was being really nice to me and seems to have put her grudge behind her. She's capable of decent conversation and at least she's intelligent. Anyway Cassie's party really wasn't my scene and I felt awkward there and chloe was shouting out that I'd ditched her for new friends and that I blanked her-hah as if she doesn't know why. That guy james was there, he was kind of drunk but he wanted to go outside. So we left the party to be alone together and then everyone wondered where we were. I'd said to my mum that I would be home at 2am but stupidly me and James lost track of time and then it was 2.30am but I figured my parents would be asleep so it would be okay and they were asleep but charming chloe ruined that. She drunk dialled my home phone at 2.50am and woke my whole family, according to my mum this is how the conversation went.

My Mum: hello, who is it?

Chloe: Hi, its chloe can I speak to Penelope??

My Mum: Don't you think its a bit late to be calling?

Chloe: I just wanted to speak to Penelope

My Mum: Well I'm afraid she's at a party so you won't be able to talk to her.

Chloe: Oh, well arn't you worried, its so late!

My Mum: Whether I'm worried or not is none of you're bussiness.

And then my mum hung up the receiver, she really dislikes Chloe as she knows how she has treated me this year. None the less I arrived at 3am and my mum grounded me. Luckily I'm only grounded for this weekend. But still it could have been a lot worse. I feel guilty for just leaving cassie's party without saying bye, hopefully she wont care that much. I mean few people there actually liked me. I admit I wanted to go because I knew James would be there. Anyway tomorrow I am so excited because my good friend Kate is coming round and we are going to this amasing 1940's style cafe that has a recreated air raid shelter in the style of world war II and I reserved the air raid shelter for Kate and I to have afternoon tea in. This place is amasing as they play 1940's music and all the cakes are very old fashioned english and the tea is well brewed. Kate is very into baking herself and I miss not going to school with her so it will be cool to catch up. The other day she told me I was one of her best friends and I feel like i havn't had such a good female friend in ages. I remember when I first joined my new school how much I had wanted to be her friend because I thought she was really nice and cool but sweetly old fashioned for a modern girl. But I never quite managed it until this year.

[duppy_conqueror]

taht sounds like the coolest cafe ever!!!!!! and the cute guy in your french class hopefully has a personality to match...why do u think he;s off limits just b.c other ppl think he;s cute?

[stranded247]

taht sounds like the coolest cafe ever!!!!!! and the cute guy in your french class hopefully has a personality to match...why do u think he;s off limits just b.c other ppl think he;s cute?

 

The cafe was so quaint and lovely its not true! Me and Kate had such fun. I would post pictures of the place but I'm gonna resist for anonymity's sake. The cute guy in my french class is actually named "Guy" is liked by almost every girl in my year, I don't know why but as soon as I find out a guy is really popular like that with girls it kind of puts me off to an extent, he's also way too fashionable to be straight. However there is this nerdy looking guy in my economics class who I know no one has noticed and he reminds me sooo much of my friend David who I've had a crush on since forever so hopefully I can at least become friends with him hehe. Anyway college is pretty darn awesome, really daunting but exciting. I meet at least one person everyday, and they have this Model United Nations competition where fifteen students will go to New York and Washington this july and I'm gonna try and apply for it, there are only 15 places though. And then there is this book club i'm going to go to, widen my reading selection and meet new people etc and I'm going to sign up for this investment bussiness challenge thing. I cant wait to just throw myself into all these extras and I know if I do that it will so increase the amount of friends I make. And my mum has agreed to get me a gym membership which is cool but thats instead of doing 4 hours of fencing a week. Instead I will only fence for 2 hours plus gym. But fencing costs so much money and only happens three times a week, even though I prefer it to the gym, the gym is easier because I can go whenever I want and the gym I'm going to sign up to is next door to my college. Also I can just swim if I get bored of the equipment. And I'm back working at my local store, which reminds me I better head off to work. Just made several pages of economics notes without being asked to, how studious am I?! Got babysitting lined up so I can buy some more clothes soon yay.

[duppy_conqueror]

The cute guy in my french class is actually named "Guy" is liked by almost every girl in my year, I don't know why but as soon as I find out a guy is really popular like that with girls it kind of puts me off to an extent, he's also way too fashionable to be straight. .

 

ahh ok yeah i understand now. its true, when theres one guy a lot of girls lust after, you usually find their not particularly brainy/is just a charmer and the such. nerdy guy sounds cute btw. i love the nerdy guys!

[stranded247]

I want to save it on my computer but I'm not sure I want all this on the internet. I'm not really a teenage nobody anymore, I finally fit in. I got what I wanted I guess.

[duppy_conqueror]

well its been a pleasure knowing you and your stories, stranded247. good luck.

[bobsiesprincess]

I want to save it on my computer but I'm not sure I want all this on the internet. I'm not really a teenage nobody anymore, I finally fit in. I got what I wanted I guess.

 

im happy for you chick