the ravings of a teenage nobody

[stranded247]

haha tonight was funny. I still feel a little tipsy...too much southern comfort. I really should be asleep but all that stuff keeps me awake. I got a random phonecall from my friend nick asking me to go to a little party of his. I had to cancel on him again. I really like him but fate seems to make him call me everytime i'm busy, its like darn!

Anyway I've decided I'm gonna text him and see if he wants to hang out a bit on sunday-which would be cool. He always seems upset when I cancel on him so I'll make an effort to see him this sunday if he wants.

Maybe he doesn't care but it would be cool to hang out. I guess I gotta keep my options open. Anyway tonight was funny, the guys there were a tad retarded but we went back to bathy's and got merry with her brother jamie, took hilarious photo's and just had fun. I want her to send me some of those photo's she took some really nice ones. Urgh fencing tomorrow. I am definatly not drinking tomorrow night, neither shall I touch any of their yum yums and pimms. Its great to have a social crowd inside school as well as out however its difficult when they have such unhealthy lifestyle's compared to mine. They all drink, smoke, get high, eat fatty junk foods. Its hard to be healthy round them. Though all I had was a garlic bread starter and maybe a glass of southern comfort diluted with lemonade. Wasn't very healthy at all but it wasn't excessive or binge drinking. God I get guilty over such small things. tomorrow I shall have vegetable juice and porridge to balance that all out.

Anyway I'm finally feeling sleepy..

[stranded247]

I'm kicking myself, I travelled to the other side of london last night to see livy and bathy who I had already seen on friday night. All we did was watch jonathan creek and they ate junk food. Pedro called me inviting me to come to nick's party as well, it turned out David was going. I wish I had gone, I wanted to so badly but its so rude to cancel on people last minute especially when this was a plan made in advance. But seriously I'm so tired I changed tube lines several times last night and froze to death waiting, it took me two hours to get there and two hours to get back today. I could have gotten to sussex in that time quite easily. Argh Pedro was being a jerk and teasing me last night how I was missing an oppertunity by not coming and how David could get off with all these other girls. I'm so curious to find out if David went or not and I really pray he didn't hit it off with some girl. God I really hope not. I swear time just worked against me last night. It was a nice evening but Pedro's little jest of humour really got to me. What if david did meet someone? I guess there is nothing I can do but if he did I will just feel hopeless. I guess he is shy and I've seen him operate at parties before and he just hangs out with his friends, he doesn't seem to like many of the people at these parties. Arghhh well I shall try to arrange something for me pedro, his girlfriend and david to hang out next weekend.

[stranded247]

So it turned out Pedro was pulling my leg, David never went to that party. I texted him to meet up with everyone our little gang and he seemed pretty keen which is good. I've kind of ditched the double date idea-its just too much of a step. I'm the pathetic baby-step type. Maybe next time we meet up I will try to make it so there are fewer people. And eventually tout seul but I dont want to dive in. Gotta find a balance I guess. Urgh I'm ill off school, I've caught that bug again it sucks! Why do I keep getting sick?? Je ne sais pas. But other than feeling a tad sick all is still on right road. I'm reading the third book of the vampire romance novels-eclipse...mmm edward cullen. Also tomorrow I'm getting my dosage of thyroxin increased so I will loose even more weight. WIN WIN situation =]. I got some mock grades back, French I got an A and English which is my best subject was a total disappointment, I only got a B+ I was really sad about that. I've also started a dream journal because recently I've been having some really vivid and strange dreams with lots of colour and scencery in them. Last night I dreamt I was at someone's funeral, I don't know who's and as I left it was pelting down with rain. When I got into the car there was a really random assortment of people I knew who in real life have never met eachother. It was all quite bizarre-there is more that I cannot recall.

[stranded247]

I'm sooo happy my mocks results were really good!!! Here they are:

English-B/B+ (that disappointed me)

Maths- B (was amazing considering I am a D student in maths)

Science overall grade: A (I was astounded-the sciences are my weakest subjects)

Chemistry A* ( that was amazing!!!)

Physics A WOW!

Biology B (not bad seeing as its my worst science)

Russian B (its alright, my teacher reckons I will get an A in my GCSE's)

French A (alright I guess, I should get an A* next time seeing as I'm pretty fluent in my speaking but my writing lets me down)

Religious Studies overall grade: A (was pleased)

Religious Studies Philosophy 70% which is a C in philosophy.

Religious Studies Ethics: 91% A*

History: A

I mean considering I only had two weeks to study and the mocks are considered harder than actual GCSE's I am really pleased!!!

I'm so happy. Got a great weekend planned. Friday I'm seeing Chloe for coffee then babysitting some kids round the corner. Saturday I'm fencing-taking my grade three Saturday evening I'm meeting up with David, Pedro, Adam and Pedro's girlfriend and a girl called roxy may come but I doubt she will so just the five of us which is cool and were all going to eat out then see the darjeeling ltd and then maybe go to adam's house. Also I am going to this girl in year 13's 18th birthday rave on the 15th December which shall be pretty awesome! Ahh life is good, I'm so relieved!

[stranded247]

I feel like writing in here again, not to rant-no, ranting is not what I am doing. I'm just bored and in one of those strange moods. I should have done my english essay but hey it can wait till sunday.

I feel really strange, like I'm actually excited about life. I have such high hopes and I'm so used to them tumbling down on me. But I guess I've had such a rough year I mean what with being a total loner, overdosing on pills, screwing it up with a guy I was crazy about, failing school, gaining piles of weight, being the most self-loathing person. It sounds very typical screwed up teenager I admit. But to the overdramatic teenager it seemed a lot worse at the time than it does now. I think I can take anything now haha. So I guess it doesn't matter if things dont turn out my way-they will eventually if I just keep putting myself out there. Its funny how nothing and everything can happen in a year. I feel like fundamentally I have changed. I'm still the same-just the happy version of me and its been ages. Anyway I felt like having my friday night ramble..I seem to have these mostly on fridays. Anyway this weekend should be awesome cos I'm seeing David

[stranded247]

It was a lovely weekend of course, we all hung out, grabbed a bite to eat and saw the darjeeling ltd. which by the way is a really cute film, I love the music in it, a lot of stones and the kinks. I love the rolling stones-god I'm so old fashioned its sad. Although I do like modern music, especially techno. Oh and I'm planning to ask David to hang out soon, maybe in about two weeks I dont want to instantly pester him or something.

Chloe is being funny again, I swear I barely see her these days, she's always acting up. One minute she will suck up to me and tell me she misses me and then insist I see her right now and drop all my plans, when I explain to her I cant unless she is willing to come to my house, I'm the one who is always compromising myself for her. Its such a crap friendship. I dont know if I've said this but I've come to the conclusion best friends are for kids. When I was about age 8-13 Leila was my best friend-truly we were what people call best friends. But now I just have my close friends like pedro, chloe, liza, livy, andrew, eli etc. I think when your older the better formula is to have a lover/girlfriend/boyfriend as your best friend and then you have close friends. Even though chloe claims I'm her best friend-we're not best friends, she's too young to get the notion out her mind. She's never there for me half the time I am truly devastated and I am probably not there for her. She hasn't made much of an effort with me and she constantly cancels on me. I'm willing to drop all my stuff and rush to her and cancel my plans but she doesn't do so for me and I've done it so many times in the past for her. Oh god this is just making me annoyed. Chloe is such a character, she's some sort of crazy forgetful hippy arty girl who has a thousand insecurities that almost add to her charm. She's a refreshing contrast to Pedro. I guess I'm not more closer to either of them, I used to measure closeness by how much I would tell a friend. Its such an inaccurate way to measure friendship. I realise there are things I will tell chloe but not pedro and vice versa. Basically I am my own best friend until I find a boyfriend/lover/husband or whatever you call it. People might feel sorry for me because I seem like I dont have one close friend in paticular but that doesn't matter. I have people I can go to and who care about me so all is good I guess.

[stranded247]

So I got my rejection letter for the scolarship application, however they suggested that if we need financial help I should apply for a bursary. I was quite upset, mostly because some of the girls they chose for the scolarships were very unlikely candidates. There were girls who have few intelligent things to say, dont get consistantly good grades and never hand in homework. At least three of the scolarships have been awarded to girls like that. There were some girls who genuinly deserved them and were intelligent and hard-working so that was perfectly fair. What upset me is that these girls who have very little substance by some miracle managed to get a scolarship when other schools rejected them for a place let alone a scolarship. I feel quite dishearted that they could choose some of these girls over me, its not so much the fact that I didn't get a scolarship but that some of the people who were chosen really wern't clever. Perhaps I'm too arrogant and my attitude is all wrong, the fact that I say this probably means its true. I'm having an epiphany here haha. Oh well, I guess I'm not scolarship material. But I am sure my english teacher wanted me to get a scolarship it was probably all the other teachers who didn't.

Anyway I will talk more another time, there is more to write but I'm very exhausted.

[stranded247]

So last night I had the argument to end all arguments with Chloe. She got drunk and high and was just so incredibly nasty to me and she left me in a rough area of london by myself at 2am at night. I cant be bothered to reveal all the details, its all in thread I wrote earlier. But I am never going to be her friend, thats it. I'm not paticularly gutted because I knew we wern't going to last as friends. I've known all along. She's just too insecure and she's only ever happy when I'm feeling insecure but when I'm happy its a totally different story. I have to go and collect my belongings from her house tomorrow, I left my money, clothes, coat, oyster card and house keys there. I'm just going to return her jumper and say "please may I have my bag I left the other night". I'm not going to discuss anything with her at all other than that. I just got off the phone to pedro he's such a lovely friend he said he would come with me to her house to collect my things and then we are going christmas shopping. I'm so glad I have him as a friend. Now that chloe's gone all my close friends are male. I deleted chloe from my myspace and then she got her little sister to comment me going: "chloe wants to know if you deleted her?". Its so petty. Anyway me I'm talking to david online and were planning to sign up for summer jobs together next summer well its a joke but I dont know if he realised which is almost good!

On the good side of things I spoke to some old teachers who I had missed last night at the christmas party. I saw nick briefly at that druggy party and several people said, I quote-unquote "looked fabulous". And before chloe became really nasty she called me a "skinny biatch". But anyway all is pretty good even without her. I am just so glad I have other friends and that she no longer centers in my world. Also I am leaving my college now. I will most definitely be going to a mixed sixthform. Its scary that I have to leave but also exciting. I wont miss my school, I never really belonged there. And if I hate the new sixthform-its only two years and I have friends out of school already.

[stranded247]

Yesterday was cool, was nice to see pedro, he didn't seem to totally understand the situation between me and chloe but I guess I didn't fully explain. I didn't want to bore him with the details, I know he thinks I'm tough on people because I dont like our friend maria anymore. I just think she is too much of a social climber and she acts like she is above everyone. Its not like I have anything paticularly personal against her I just dont really want to spend time with people like that, he said he could sort of see my point but at the same time he thought I was tough-I guess that is what I am. But anyway I got my stuff back from Chloe's, it was slightly awkward. She answered the door and I was like "Hi, I'm here to return some of your stuff and I was wondering if it would be possible to get some of my belongings back please?" and then Pedro was just like "hey how are you?". So she was like "umm okay, here you go and then she said do you want to talk?". At the time there was nothing I could think of saying other than I didn't really feel like it was a good idea to be such good friends anymore. So I just said, "Sorry we dont have time we've gotta get to the shops before they close". Pedro nudged me in the arm and was like: " go talk to her!!". I didn't want to. And I couldn't imagine what she would say to me, I personally think I deserve an apology but perhaps if she thought that too I would of heard by now. So yeah I'm just not going to talk to her for a while and if she wants to talk she can call me and I will say what I think then. I got my brother the most teenage present, pedro told me that every guy wants pictures of topless women in his bedroom so I ended up buying my brother a calendar of "The Hottest Babes" and I bought him some really cool stars and stripes boxers from topman and I'm probably gonna get him a posh box of chocolates and a CD to go with it. Also, I've got two babysitting gigs coming up so I will make about £50 all together-pretty good, I need the money! I helped Pedro choose a present for his girlfriend, we ended up choosing a lepard print bra and knicker set, a cute lepard print bag and some cool socks and a vintage t-shirt and some earings which all came to the cost of £50, god he's such a rich boy. I think she will like it because she likes lepard print and she already has a dress in lepard print-personally I like lepard print upto an extent but I'm not as typically girly as her. My fashion sense is sort of classic and some would say posh. I wear pearl earings on a daily basis and wear trench coats most of the time. Anyway me and Pedro had a long conversation about David. He said he wasn't sure whether David even likes girls at this stage yet, Pedro said David had never had a girlfriend. Pedro said I shouldn't not have any high hopes because then I will get nowhere especially if I'm afraid of getting hurt. He said what convinced him most about David liking me was when a bunch of guys yelled out: "Is that your girlfriend?" when me and David were walking together and instead of David saying no he just blushed and gave me this sort of supressed smile look. Also Pedro asked David what he thought of me and David was like: "Yeah she's cool, she's like a female version of you". Pedro said that David generally hold him in high esteem and seems to respect him a lot more than any of his other friends, so I guess that cant be bad. And then Pedro being his typical self said: "Well awesome, you should go out with her if she's like me!". I dont think David answered that he just laughed apparently. Anyway I went to bed early last night and now I'm feeling really good I got like 11 hours sleep-I FEEL AMAZING ahh. Should being seeing David this weekend so all's looking up Oh and did I mention that Pedro said the little social gathering I arranged had got David really going, he said he seemed to really want to do another one. Might I also add he spent most of that night talking to me hehe.

[stranded247]

I need to vent!! I've would have had a pretty okay week if it wasn't for that awful sadie girl who's sending me hatemail over myspace about chloe. She demanded my side of the story and when I said I didn't want to talk about it nor did I feel I needed to justify myself to her but that it was nice seeing her the other weekend she sent a nasty message back saying that I did need to justify myself and that I was a * * * * * bla bla bla. Does this girl even have a life?! Why does she bloody care about something that isn't even her bussiness. I told pedro about it and he had a go at her over msn (i told him not to but he did it anyway) saying that she shouldn't "bully me" lol, she should remain neutral like him and not get involved. I hate chloe, I absolutely despise her. I hate that bloody school and all those catty girls who were just out to get to me. I'm glad I'm rid of chloe. I'm glad I left that place before I turned into a major btch. She's so pathetic getting other people to do her dirty work. I feel a little lonely now. Not because I miss her but just because I've spent so much time with chloe that I havn't made any other real connections with other people apart from pedro who I absolutely adore. I mean I have friends, good friends etc but at the moment pedro is my longstanding friend. He's the one I can talk to most easily. I dont understand why I'm upset. I lost 2lbs this week, I've earnt some cash, I've sent my application forms off, I'm seeing david this weekend and school is almost finished. I think I am exhausted and sadie and chloe's manipulative ways are getting to me a little. I know I'm a judgemental person, I know I'm hard on other people. I try not to be but thats the way I am. I have plenty of good qualities but then some really bad ones too. My mum is like you have to learn to change. But I've alway thought people are who they are with all imperfections and you cant change them. My father, for example is a very overtly cauticious and short-tempered man-that will never change, we've all begged him to try to be less like that but its just the way he is. But on the other hand he's incredibly intelligent, funny, interesting, fit and generous. Maybe I'm finding excuses but I honestly think that I wasn't too judgemental this time. My argument with chloe was to do with a lot of things. It was a build up of our resentment and it all came out over her drinking and getting high. I am bossy but honestly last weekend I was asking her not to drink for her own safety. She's not even meant to drink much with her health problems and her irish family addiction to alcohol.

I didn't want to end on such bad terms with her and I would have called her up eventually and said look lets not end things on bad terms. But after all her pettyness there is no way I'm going to do that.

Oh god, I just want those girls to go jump off a cliff and die. Why are girls so horrible sometimes?! I'm also feeling a little down because livy asked me where was the most romantic place I've ever made out and I told her in the rain in a woods. She asked who and I stupidly told her the truth, which was with my old boyfriend who just happens to be going out with the most stunning and popular girl in our year. So she started teasing me about it and shouting it out loud and now I worry it will accumulate around our year. Plus I got intro trouble for not having my french folder and plus livy keeps asking me to introduce her to pedro and people like david. I am really uncomfortable with mixing friends-i just hate it. My friends out of school are so different from the people I hang out with in school I just cant see it working.

Anyway after being dreadfully negative in this post I must say I do feel pretty damn good now, ahhh screw them!

[stranded247]

Mmmm gosh I feel good. I've lost 4lbs this week which is a lot but its amazing seeing as my metabolism is finally working with all that medication. So I woke up and had a blissful moring of eating porridge and drinking indian tea whilst watching sabrina fair with audrey hepburn. David called me last night to confirm plans for today. I'm so stupid on the phone. He seemed to want to have a proper conversation by asking how I was and talking about christmas but I just cut to the chase and was like "so umm were all meeting at 6.15, is that ok? cool! see you then bye!" I think I hung up before he could say bye oops. Maybe thats good, makes me seem more um hard to get? He has such a sexy phone voice its ridiculous. I can't believe I'm saying that but I'm not the only one who's noticed just how cool he sounds on the phone. Its like mmmm. But god I'm a bit worried about tonight I'm the only girl out of five people. I mean thats great because I don't get on with girls these days it seems. But, my friend invited this guy who seems to like me. But the problem is that when I was with david the whole time he kept interrupting our conversation and just randomly talking about his music. He's incredibly random and all he talks about is himself, although he is nice, I like him. But I worry he will interrupt when I'm talking with david or slide inbetween us. I hope not. When we were at Pedro's gig, David just stood there waiting for him to finish. Anyway I washed my beautiful white winter coat, its a gap parka but a classy and its so comfy. So I'm going off to do some christmas shopping, buy a present for livy. I know I will bump into david and adam even though I'm seeing them tonight because Adam said they were all getting presents in the same place. Oh and Ignored that sadie girl after she called me first class btch and said I deserved a slap and I feel so much better for it because now I couldn't care less! Ah j'adore ma vie!

[stranded247]

Last night was good, it was nice to be out with them. David was the only guy who hugged me. I'm so used to feeling like I'm just one of the guys when I'm out with only guys but last night I felt like I wasn't which was good. As usual he sat next to me and talked to me throughout the night. My favourite part was when he walked me to my bus stop and just sort stood there staring at me not saying anything and so I stupidly said, "arn't you going to miss your bus?". When adam followed us he was like "why are you just following us? haha". But he just walked on ahead with me. I get the feeling he does like me, I could be wrong. We saw the golden compass but I wasn't focusing on the movie, when your sitting next to someone you like its a strangely difficult task but it seemed good from what I remember. Things are going at a snails pace but at least things are moving along. And I tried to be more touchy with him which seemed good. When he hugged me he hugged me really tightly, I wanted to kiss him so much. He's so tall though, I'm 5ft 2 and he's 6ft 2 hah a foot in difference, I feel like I wouldn't be able to reach his lips. But some tall guys like petite girls right? It was really weird yesterday, the phone rang and I picked up and said hello and then the person hung up. So I pressed redial and it turned out it was chloe's number. She's so strange calling and hanging up, its like she's scared of me. I want her to just leave my life and not play any of these petty games. I bought livy a present, she's so difficult to buy for its like she's this eco-warrier who hates fashion and anything that isn't fairtrade and she's read every book in library and she likes peculiar stand up comedy. But luckily I saw this pretty jeweled paper notebook that she'd pointed out to me ages ago saying how pretty it was so I saw it and bought it plus this pretty key chain, I may get her a little something else too seeing as its also her birthday on boxing day. And yeah so it was a good weekend. I'm seeing david next weekend too, at least I can look forward to that. I wonder if he realises I like him. Its not too obvious but there are good signs, once I ask him to hang out alone if he doesn't realise well then hmmm I'm stuck hah.

[stranded247]

Yes i've had an epiphany that came to me in the middle of the night, as usual I was fantasizing about david haha when all of a sudden I realised I'm not afraid of rejection. I realised I'm just going to act because I will kick myself a 100 times more than I would if I didn't try than if I got rejected. I'm not going to ask him if he likes me, I feel like I will see if the oppertunity to kiss him comes up I might just take it. I'm not telling any of my friends about this idea. I'm not even sure I will do this but if he walks me to the station from adam's house and we are alone this sunday, i might just..It would be a perfect pre christmas thing.

[stranded247]

Its almost christmas and I don't feel remotely christmassy. This week has been rather boring. I've eaten way too much crap for my own good and now I feel sick which means my diet must be pretty pure if eating a few biscuits makes me want to be sick. Its not like I ate the whole tin anyway. Anyway I got some weird message from Nick trying to be anonymous saying he really liked me. He asked me to guess how much I think he likes me so to avoid any embarrassment I just said in a platonic way. He hasn't replied yet, I dont even think he has a computer. Anyway I'm pissed off because my mum told me that my friend Eli dreads me coming over at the same time as James because he thinks we will argue. He told his dad who told my dad and who told my mum and I got some petty lecture. I've been getting on really well with James, they always make out that because I'm the eldest one its obviously me who provokes and starts the fight with James. Okay so we do argue but we've never had any serious fights, they were play fights and I havn't even had one of those with him for ages! James isn't so innocent himself, he's the one always randomly making mean sarcastic comments and he hits me on the ass as if its a joke, its disgusting when he is my brother! God Eli is so touchy about everything. At the moment I feel really friendless and annoyed. Livy invited me out but I cancelled because she lives a two hour train journey away and when I see her everyday at school sometimes I just want to relax. Pedro is in austria, well actually he's coming home today. Well Chloe just isn't my friend, Liza is in thailand or god knows where. Maria and I havn't spoken since July and she hasn't made an effort with me at all when I have. Andrew is stuck on some island but I think he's coming back today. Umm tomorrow I'm seeing David, Adam and Ben and possible Pedro and his girlfriend. At least I have that to look forward to. Its rather awkward to call nick.

I felt all christmassy and happy at the beggining of this week when I decorated the christmas tree with little bella. Now I feel frankly pissed off. I think its to do with the fact that I've not been eating healthily (i feel crap whenever I just think about sugar), Nick sending me that stupid message which made me think that David doesn't like me (not that he ever mentioned david just that he displays far clearer an interest than david), nick not replying, eli's stupid comments, all my friends being on holiday, my mum having to cancel my hair dye appointment cos she's too broke and my hair is looking kinda shabby and being stuck in this god damn house!! ARRRGGGHHHH basically I'm just bored. I should go and read a book or something but there is nothing I want to read. I said I'd go on a walk later with my mum but I went on a walk yesterday just for the sake of exercise and its just so god damn boring walking on that same path. I'm just too neurotic sometimes. I dont know why. Why cant I be a boy? Their lives are just well they all think with clarity compared to me. Except if I was a boy I wouldn't be straight because I dont get on with women but then again I'd hate to be gay. So I'd be asexual and being asexual is just no fun! I mean everyone needs a little bit of hankering and all an asexual has is themselves. So if I was a boy I'd be bored/sexually opressed/sexually frustrated. I guess being a girl is a better idea for me. Not that I would ever even consider a sex change just that there are aspects of being a boy that really appeal to me. Like they are stronger and they can do all sorts of outdoorsy things and have friends who will do it with them. All I ever do is fence, swim, pilates, walking and cycling (its not bad but apart from fencing they are lonsesome things and not very outdoorsy). And they all have these amazing metabolisms. I mean all my friend s who are guys just stuff their faces and remain toned and muscled and slim. I mean I can stuff my face and then do 3 hours of exercise a day and I'd just get fat. Plus guys have the option of acting. If they want to ask a girl out there is no taboo that would make them look desperate they can just do it. Also a guy can be a ho and look cool, sometimes I want to be a ho and look cool! Just so not an option for me. Believe me, I'm no feminist infact probably the opposite but men can just do things I would love to do.

Anyone who reads this is going to think I'm totally insane, well I dont care its my journal I can be as weird as I like! God its two o clock and I'm not dressed. Well I did get up at half twelve but still this is a waste of a day so I'm going to go before I go any crazier.

[stranded247]

Okay well I'm feeling better now. Anyway I feel like posting some cool songs.

Birthday-Cruxshadows-its my crazy goth punk raver friend's myspace song and it totally rocks. She's weird but this band is so cool they actually have this really sort funky gothic thing going on, they are like something out of a fairy tale. And they even have a violinist! How cool?!

Enjoy Destroy-And For What

Enjoy Destroy-Lobby Pianist

(My friend bella who goes to camden all the time and listens to unsigned bands got me hooked onto these guys. I think I am going to see them when they come play in London except its my brothers birthday so that may be a petit problem.

This Time tomorrow-The Kinks (the lead singer happens to live very near me) But anyway I love the kinks and I thought this song was great in the film the darjeeling ltd. I saw that film with david and the others it was such a nice film.

When You Were Young-The Killers

Who doesn't know the killers?! I adore them. I'm mostly into old rock but these days I'm being more modern cos its not cool to like dead people.

Also my favourite french band Noir Desir-Le Vent Nous Portera. That is one of their most beautiful songs and the lyrics are very good if you can understand them. I'm so sad I can never see them live but the lead singer got jailed for killing his girlfriend whilst drunk.

Also Yann Tiersann is a musical genius. I'm not a fan of classical music seeing as its mostly boring but yann tiersann and his accordian antics are not to be missed. He's just legendary-its fact. Just watch Le Fabuleux Destin D'Amelie Poulain. He basically did the whole soundtrack.

Rue de cascades-Yann Tiersann (beautiful song)

Mmm who else, M83 who are also french (I have an obsession with france by the way and I plan to live in Paris even if people say it isn't france) they are like a french electronica techno sort of group and their music is just cool.

M83-Teen Angst (story of my life lol)

M83-Dont save us from the flames

and many more...

anyway I felt that I would leave my little contribution of songs to enotalone. I know that somebody reads this journal otherwise I wouldn't have over 300 views. So whoever you are that graces my journal, here is the personal playlist of stranded247. Much love and merry christmas to all of you!

[stranded247]

Okay so yesterday was really nice, I felt very christmassy. Lol I saw russel brand yesterday signing books in a bookstore, was quite funny, he's not bad looking in the flesh but still I don't see what the hype was. Anyway so I did the usual dinner and movie thing with the crew which last night consisted of just me, David, Ben and Adam. Ben and Adam were late so me and david were just left to wait and talk for a while. It was a tad awkward at first but then our conversation got going and then they arrived damn it! lol. Anyway it was really nice, adam was so funny he was the only one who was really excited for christmas like me, david and ben were just like "you guys are such children". Anyway I payed attention to david's who body language thing cos I've been reading all those stupid "be aware of your body language and flirting signals" stuff and basically it was weird he copied practically everything I did and his feet were pointing to me. And apparently when your attracted to someone within the first few seconds of seeing them a person will very quickly raise their eyebrows then drop them, he did that, well I only noticed because I'd been reading that stupid stuff. And anyway I was thinking last night how once ben and adam had gone david could walk me to my stop and we could have a little moment. So david was like "come on Penelope lets go" and then ben just happened to be taking the same bus as me, damn him! No he's a nice guy but I should definitely meet up with david alone now if I ever want anything to happen. So I'm gonna ask him to hang out casually sometime soon. I hope it works!

Also adam was really cute and got someone to take a christmas photo of all of us, I want him to send it to me, I should ask him. God I really need to get some last minute christmas stuff. I just texted pedro to ask him what he's doing, he said nothing but he's ill so I guess I wont see him today. Yay its christmas tomorrow!! I'm going over to Eli's which is always awesome and I love julia and doug. My mum makes the best turkey. I asked for a video ipod and i think my parents have already got it. I got a cheque for £25 in the post but my clever aunt made it out to me when I dont even have a bank account, I should really get one hhmmm. Its funny I miss chloe a little. I dont know if one day we will make things up but I think what she did was unfair but I know I'm judgemental and demanding as a friend (my mother loves to remind me of this every five seconds, she thinks I should know my bad traits and then do something about it but when I tell her, her bad traits she tells me to stop being petulant, adults eh?!). I want to go out and do something with friends. I wish pedro wasn't ill! David is busy today and Adam is busy too and I dont know Ben well enough. Hhhmm maybe I will go and do some last minute shopping and go for a walk tout seul. I cant wait to see what I get in my stocking tomorrow and the christmas dinner shall be amaazzzinng. Gosh I tried on this cute blue strap top that I used to look fat in and now it fits me perfectly and I look really good except that its itchy, damn it! Anyway I'm being rather too random for my own liking so I shall part now.

Merry Christmas again!

[stranded247]

Its almost half past 11 here. I'm at Eli's house, my parents and eli's parents are drunk and my dad is doing his whole jazz piano thang and doug is doing the sax. Me, my brother and eli are all in his room. They're playing playstation 3 and I'm on eli's mac book pro. How social we all are.

Anyway Christmas was not bad. I'm totally full all that turkey and stuffing plus way too much chocolate I think I just ate my yearly calorie allowance in one night plus champagne lol. So I got the classic Ipod which is cool. My stocking contained this weird jacket my mum bought off ebay but had fluff round the collar (hmmm chic?!) lol and a lot of bath/body stuff from crabtree and evelyn, a notebook with faries on it (I would have died for that age 7 but its still cute) and yann tiersann's latest cd la phare which is pure class. So yeah I got money from all the relatives. As a joke I got my brother a "The UK's hottest babes 2008 calendar" and some stars and stripes boxers. He adored the calendar of course, pedro pursuaded me to get it for him.

So yeah it was a nice christmas. Adam sent me a text asking me how my christmas was going, he's such a cool guy. We had the most amasing idea. Well he did, this summer when we've all finished our GCSE's we're gonna go to paris for the weekend on the eurostar, we'll go with the crew, and adam will bring his older brother who is 26 so he qualifies as a "responsible adult". So it would be me, adam, pedro, pedro's g/f, david, adams brother, ben and possibly patrick. I begged my parents, its gonna cost so I've decided to save my christmas money for it. It would only be a weekend and if we all book in advance as a group it wont be too bad. I love that I have this group of friends. I know chloe's just off the radar but its really made me get out there and make other friends and I just get along with boys a lot easier. So this is the best formula for me. To be honest I just think I'm at the age where teenage girls are not very nice and when I'm a woman I will be able to have close friendships with them but at the moment its difficult. Boys dont have all the cattyness and the jealousy complex things. Its just easier. I'm meant to be seeing the show wicked tomorrow as its livy's birthday. She said she'd call about arrangements today but she hasn't. To be honest I hate musicals but she's my friend and its very kind of her, I havn't bought her birthday present, seeing as I just bought her a christmas present. She lives so far away that I'm gonna try just to go home and not stay at her place, I hate sleepovers. I always forget my medication or my socks lol. And I just hate them.

I dont feel like it has been christmas, I didn't feel remotely festive today. I wonder what 2008 holds for me, 2007 was the worst and best of times. It was actually a hellish year up until autumn when things shifted, at least I discovered what was wrong with me. I got a really good school report, they said I've set the foundations for high GCSE grades. I want to be a kinder person this year. I dont know if people trust me, I dont know if I deserve other people's trust. I feel like I dont try enough with other people. I know its harsh to be like that but I only make time for people I care about and like. I dont want to bother with people I see through or dislike. I will get along with them but no more. I love being friends with livy and bathy but I dont want to be too close to them because they are really into drinking and getting high etc and I'm just not. Livy wants me to introduce her to all my friends out of school but they just wouldn't click. They are all clean, I love that I have friends who arn't into all that getting wasted crap and have fun on a natural high. Livy is so different from me, she's like an eco warrier/philosophical abstract thinker. Its really interesting but I come from a different place and while I can try to understand her, I dont really. She comes from a broken family, her father left when she was 10, her mother attempted suicide, her brother has asbergus, she hides absynth under her bed, she loves eating junk food and doesn't care about health, she watches stand up comedy and reads books on philosophy. I come from a very conservative family, my parents are together, I dont drink or smoke, I hate the idea of drugs, I love the outdoors and sports, I love being healthy and I read foreign literature and adore french films. So what most of these are minor differences right? Well I know but they make me feel slightly uncomfortable. Its her lifestyle that I dont relate to I guess and that she really wants me to be a whole part of her social circle. Like every weekend sort of thing. Anyway I really like her and she's been so kind to me when I had no friends at school she made an effort with me. She feels sorry for me sometimes, but the last thing I want is sympathy. I didn't want to be friends with anyone that much. I'm looking forward to leaving. Anyway I still have new years eve to look forward to, pedro said he'd find us a party to go to. So it should all be good.

[stranded247]

Yesterday boxing day: Livy's birthday, we went to central london, saw the musical WICKED and then went to a chinese restaurant with her family and bathy's family. It was good. I dont like musicals, I must admit they bore me but WICKED was okay. Her mum pleaded with me to do something with her on new years eve. That means I will have to mix livy with pedro and others. Livy wants to get wasted, I dont. Pedro doesn't mind a couple of drinks but its not really his thing. Eli's dad said we could use their double decker treehouse on new years eve. Thats quite a cool idea I suppose. My idea was to have pedro, livy, pedro's girlfriend and david round. I wonder how livy would get on with them. They are such different people. I'm sure the worry is for nothing and they will work quite well-at least thats what I hope. Livy wants to bring the alcohol, I'm gonna state that I will not let her take absynth. Hopefully she will play down her wild side if she's not with crazy people.

tomorrow I'm going shopping, I've been waiting for the january sales so I can buy this cute dress from french connection, its just a black wool dress with an empire line and it reaches above my knee and it has two cute retro button's on the top. I tried it on and I just looked so good in it! That doesn't happen often but I always tell myself that you should only buy something that you look really really good in.

On saturday me and Pedro are going to hang out which should be cool. Today I woke late and then went on a long family walk and then me and my brother bought books with our book tokens from relatives who have no clue what to buy us but dont want to give us money incase we spend it on something "inappropriate" so they opt for book tokens. I bought Lucky Girls by Nell Freudenberger (A collection of stories set in India and South-East Asia, Lucky Girls charts the romantic encounters of five women). I wanted to buy a book which was based on india because david is half indian, he is white but India really interests me. Well I'm infatuated and anything that gives me a link to him sort of comforts me strangely.

The Mandarins-Simone De Beauvoir (love story set in paris at the backdrop of WWII) Its meant to be a classic, I didn't know this when I bought it but apparently its very "intellectual" haha, I just love everything french. Then I bought April in Paris by Michael Wallner which is also a wartime romance novel set in...you guessed it Paris! I'm obsessed with France. I will live there one day I know it. I know for sure that as soon as I can I will leave the united kingdom for good. We just let whoever we want into this country, gordon brown is an awful prime minister, we live on credit, its over populated and arggghh! I just want to leave!! I think if I do not get into oxbridge I shall try to go as far away as possible from London. I was thinking St.Andrew's in Scotland. Its where me and leila planned to go before she died. Or Edinburgh but my mother went there and I dont want to be her clone. Newcastle is a possibility as I love up north but my dad went there I believe. Hmmm. Its too early to think about all of this. Anyway I want to live in Paris when I am in my twenties. My french is quite good after I did that awful two month exchange in Normandy with "Amelie" who was so outspoken and haughty. Her brother was so kind to me though and he was gorgeous, two months with her was far too long. French men and boys are the most beautiful male specimens I have ever seen. They were so wondefully old school preppy and charming. I really need to ask David to hang out, I think I will just do it next time he signs on msn to make it more casual. Anyway I'm going to read my indian romance novels now. Au revoir.

Anyone who wants to make a contribution to my ramblings is very welcome, I would love to see who reads this. The title could be a little offputting I imagine when this forum consists of mostly adults but oh well...

[stranded247]

wow I just got a phonecall from Chloe, she started the conversation with: "Hi I get the impression you dont ever want to be friends again but if you dont could we end this on nice terms". Anyway this esculated into a long conversation about "things" and our "friendship". And so now I'm meeting her for coffee in an hour and a half. I dont know what to expect. I'm nervous, god knows why. I think I do want to be friends again but what worries me is that we can only revert back to how things were. I only want to do this providing there will be change. I told her I realised I was overtly judgemental and bossy as a friend and that I was sorry and I'm trying to be different. She apologized for the whole drinking and sadie saga thing. I think its been about three weeks I've gone without speaking or talking to her. But I feel like a lot has changed. I've sort of established life without her and decided I didn't need her, I did miss her a little I suppose. But it will be strange, I'm almost looking forward to this. But it should be interesting to hear what she's been upto.

[stranded247]

So it is the most overrated day of the year, of course New Years Eve. I've sort of ended up being host this year, I'm having some sort of wonderful treehouse gathering, I believe that pedro, his girlfriend, ben and livy are coming tonight. Livy has promised to bring alcohol, I suppose if no one gets on its a solution, I will just drink my glass very very slowly so that it looks like I'm drinking more than I am. I have a lovely port red dress, its beautiful, I found it in the sales and it was the last dress of that type but luckily it was my size. So I will wear that tonight, I need to find iPod speakers so we can listen to music, either that or we will be cool and bring a boom box haha.

 

I did the most peculiar thing last night, I searched my estranged cousins up on facebook. They live in hong kong. Its a rather long story but my mothers brother married an italian woman who's family is actually a part of the italian mafia, she's a very jealous and demanding woman. My uncle had an american daughter from his first marriage when he met her. As soon as they became an item she insisted he stopped seeing his american daughter alltogether. He being a "wimp" according to my mother did exactly that. However when my grandmother happened to have a photo of his american daughter in her house, his wife the italian woman threw a fit and smashed her plate against the wall. So she stormed out and told him he cannot have anything to do with his family. So anyway relations between relatives became rather strained, he would visit us when he was alone and on bussiness in london. He has three children: Greta who is 15, Alaister who is 18 and Patrick who is probably 12.

I've met them twice in my whole life. Seeing as all my cousins are not within my age range. I have cousins in their thirties and then infantile cousins, I've always felt really sad that I could not have cousins whom were of simular age to me and who I could be close to. So anyway last night I was bored and I searched up Greta on facebook. I'm positive its her seeing as my mother told me she attends an international school in Hong Kong and on her profile it said she went to an international school and lived in hong kong. I have to wait for her to accept me as a friend but also the picture looks like her. She's half italian and scottish so she's a lot darker than me. I'm Scottish, Welsh, Irish, Hungarian, Spanish and French so my colouring is totally different.

 

Anyway once she accepts I shall comment her and ask for her msn. I know they have an apartment over looking Hyde Park so when she next comes to London we could meet. I know our parents wont want to meet and her father wasn't invited to my grandfathers funeral last year as he didn't bother to see him when he was dying except for one day and then his wife made him leave. But this doesn't mean that me and my cousins have to never speak. It would be so cool to see what my teenage cousins are like. The bond between cousins can be pretty strong and I would love to have that sort of bond with my cousins.

 

Anyway I saw Chloe yesterday. She had to bring Gaby with her as she is staying with her whilst her parents holiday in Spain. So it Chloe made gaby sit by herself while we talked a little. I sort of feel like we wont go back to the way we were. I think perhaps its a better idea if we become friends who see eachother every so often like twice a month or so. Not every weekend and not so many phone calls. My dad said to me last night after drinking a lot. He said: "just walk away, just forget it". He was being totally hypocritical. He said I was overtly judgemental and that I pushed away all my friends and that it was a shame to end things with Chloe and now he contradicts himself. He can be such a jerk after just drinking a couple of whiskey's at midnight. He infuriates me sometimes!! Anyway I can associate with who I like, when I want-its my life. I mean I know its been about three or four weeks of absolutely no contact with Chloe but the dynamics have changed. I've become much closer to my other friends and I've developed my social life without her and now I feel less dependant on having her as a friend but I dont want to part on bad terms. Neither do I want to totally estrange myself from her. So I suppose casual friends is good but how does one revert to casual friendship with someone when all you've ever had with this person is a close friendship?!

 

Anyway tonight will be interesting I suppose, I dont expect it to be a rave at all but I imagine it will be interesting to mix my friends. I always dread mixing friends but now less so.

 

Well 2007 has been a rough year, I've certainly been slapped in the face but its also been a really good year. My health has restored and althought most of this year was bad from September onwards I began to enjoy myself. I've made new friends, I've become a lot more atheletic, I've learnt so much this year. Its been really hard but I wouldn't change anything because I really believe that in order to succeed one must fail first.

I dont know what 2008 holds other than change. I know things will change, I'm going to move to a college, I'm going to be healthier, slimmer, fitter and far more confident. I'm going to do my GCSE's which could make or break my future depending on what I want to do in later life. I finally feel like life is picking up again and I'm sure that whoever reads this will perhaps notice that my attitude is far more positive than it was at the start of my journal.

 

I dont believe in New Years Resolutions. I always have goals throughout the year, I've always had a sort of "Must complete this" checklist in my mind from a young age. I've already got my goals clearly set out but I refuse to call them New Years Resolutions because so often people break theirs. But here are my personal goals:

 

-To continue to achieve high grades and be consistant with work.

-To get good GCSE results.

-To lose all of the weight my thyroid added. (I've lost 12 lbs so far and look a lot slimmer for it-everyone has noticed as I have a petite frame).

-To arrange to meet up with David alone now and my friend gabe says I as we say goodbye I should lean in and see if he leans in too or just avoids it by hugging me).

-To take inciative in all that I do, to act more like an adult and face situations bymyself.

-To build my confidence by doing things that take a little bit of guts.

-To reach grade 5 in fencing by the end of this year.

-To get into a good sixth form.

And finally but most importantly to be happy within myself and happy with my life. I hope that I will achieve most of this and I dont think any of these goals are unrealistic. So good luck to my future self!

[stranded247]

Well New Year's Eve was certainly eventful? or is interesting the word? I'm not sure. Anyway, the group was small as pedro's girlfriend was unable to come and Joe, pedro's friend did not come back to the treehouse. So this resulted in me, pedro, livy and ben. We went to a sort of party/gathering on this hill where you could see the whole of london and and all the fireworks that were going off in embankment. We bumped into some hampstead kids who tried to pursuade us to come to embankment, thank god we didn't the crowds are horrible. So we went to this gathering and socialised with a bunch of random teenagers we didn't know very well. Me livy and ben just ended up forming our own circle and talking, it was funny, we all got into this huge debate about whether it was hot for girls to get off with eachother. Pedro said he thought it was weird and if he saw two girls getting off with eachother he'd just want to step in between them. However ben said it was very "arousing" and all the other guys agreed and begged me and livy to get off with eachother. I've never gotten with a girl neither do I intend to but liv has. We just told them to forget it, its really not my thing but it was funny. Then we went back to eli's and my parents and their friends were so drunk that they gave us several bottles of champagne, a crate of stella artois and livy already brought vodka and schnapps so everyone got quite pissed. I was the first to go, being a lightweight. The treehouse idea was really good they all loved it and we just got drunk and talked about the most random things. I can recall a long winded conversation about masturbation and ben and pedro both openly confessing their love of masturbation and me and livy not commenting on whether or not we did it. It was all totally crude. I got too drunk and became really overtly flirtatious with ben even though he's not really my type, he's not bad looking at all but I just dont fancy him. So I ended up inviting him to sleepover at my house and my parents didn't object seeing as they had consumed so much alcohol themselves. Livy decided to leave me and ben alone seeing as she was feeling ill so her mum collected her.

Fortunately nothing bad happened with ben, we spent from 2am till 6.30 dueting on the piano drunkenly and then he said he wanted to serenade me so he started to sing and play on my acoustic guitar. He's actually pretty talented and can definitely sing. Although I became tired so I made us go to bed at 7am. Then I woke up and took one look at him lying on my futon and thought, why did I invite him over again?! His sister goes to my school she's in the seniors, doing her last year of a levels. I know her name but not who she is, she doesn't know who I am. But I know she will be looking out for me. Livy thinks ben likes me..David couldn't come that night but I got a happy new year text from him. I need to arrange to meet up with him next time he signs online. Anyway new years eve was good. Livy was really surprised by how I was with my friends, she said she couldn't believe that I got on with all these guys outside of school and knew all these people yet when I was in school I didn't really get on with people in our year. Ben said his sister thinks all the girls in my year are really nasty and horrible about eachother, to be honest she is totally right. Ben probably thinks I like him after all of that. I like him but I'm not attracted to him and I'm glad I wasn't drunk enough to do anything I would have regretted in the morning. My parents were really cool about all of it, they surprise me.

[stranded247]

So I finally asked david to meet up. He was like: "yeah sure, lets have some jokes". Then he said he had to go but he'd call me about sunday. So I got two missed calls today and a text message from him saying: "Hey been trying to call u i'm really sorry but I cant make sunday gotta go to bloody gatwick airport. can we postpone meeting up till next weekend or something?". Then an hour later I got another text saying: "hey, we'll sort out meeting up later".

I'm guessing these are good signs. I mean he called twice and he texted me twice so I guess he does intend to see me. This could be good, going to livy's christmas party tomorrow. Well its sort of a end of festive season party of some sort. Should be cool.

[stranded247]

So the onslaught of school commences, I feel really tired today, I wanted to sleep in half my lessons it was awful! I have a lot of homework but I want to just go to bed! I havn't spoken to david yet, he hasn't signed online. Well its only tuesday..

I hate january and february-they are the two worst months. Well if you live in England anyway. Its always freezing and grey and the sun rarely shines and you just feel like hibernating. Its this time of year that makes me wish I was a mole and I could just die in my little burrow hole. I went to livy's christmas/new year party over the weekend. It was pretty jokes, met some of her friends and it was nice. But god she lives on the other side of London-its such a trek!

I would love to just recline in front of a movie with the fire going and eat a big fat piece of cake but I cant because I have work and I dont want to be fat. Oh well one can dream..

[stranded247]

I just want to write about some of my dreams because I've had two amasing dreams in two consecutive nights. The first dream was about nothing paticularly special but it was a beautiful dream. I dont remember all of it which is annoying but I will write what scarce details I recall. I was living in this desert type place in a small house that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, I was living with a french girl who I went on an exchange with almost two years ago and her father. What struck me about this dream was how beautiful it was, in my dream I saw flowers blooming in the soil and it was so colourful and pretty I'm surprised my imagination could create such beauty.

My second dream last night was weird. I was on a train and all these girls in my year from my college were on this train and we were waiting to die. For some reason or other we had all taken things to kill ourselves and we were riding on this train through the countryside and it was sunset, my dream ended with me dying. Then I dreamt about this past christmas. In my dream I saw myself with julia and doug at eli's and I was also hanging out with ben and nick and david and I was watching myself. Then when I woke I had this feeling of sadness because I realised what a nice holiday I've had and how I never appreciate these things until they are over.

I looked up some of the symbols in my dreams here is what some of these things mean:

To dream that you are on a train, is symbolic of your life's journey and suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed for the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.

 

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

 

To see flowers blooming in barren soil, signifies that energy and cheerful nature will enable you to overcome your grievances.

 

I think these are all pretty positive things if the meanings are true.

[stranded247]

So he's just not that into you...ring any bells? of course it does ahahaha.

Well a whole week has passed without David signing online and although he said we would sort it out later he most likely forgot or didn't intend to-which equates to me being a low priority. He may be busy with studies but whatever if you like someone you will take the time to sign online or text them or something. Strangely I'm not upset.

Yes this is enlightening, i tried and I failed well I believe so but its rather good to because usually this would upset me a little. I would try not to think about it and then I'd decide to go downstairs and have a slice of cake or watch a movie or do anything but think of my rejection. Well this isn't a rejection its a sort of self-rejection, I'm realising things here you see. I've noticed asking guys to meet up isn't very effective unless they are head over heals in love with you or they have been asking you to meet up a lot and its got to the level of comfort where its okay for you to return it and not look desperate.

 

I'm sort of pissed off that I wasted my time liking someone who was clearly a huge challenge and even Pedro told me so. But whatever, I tried? I put the ball in his court and he did not serve so alls fair. I have fencing tomorrow and maybe I will call chloe and we can see a movie, she wants to do dinner but its so expensive and restauranting isn't so fun when your trying to lose thyroid weight. I came home today and found the sweetest thing in my room, evalina my polish cleaner had totally rearranged my wardrobe by colour co-ordinating it and stacking my shoes and she totally organized my desk. From now on I vow to myself to keep things tidy. Also I've sent three of my applications off for new sixthforms. At least this whole thing with david wont bugger up my being friends with him and everyone else because it was so unpreposessing and casual to simply ask him to meet up that its not like we will be embarrassed to see eachother again and I would quite like to at least be friends. Oh well will be nice to see gabe tomorrow at fencing and my little admirer daniel. And yes in case you were wondering Penelope is my name. I really shouldn't give away so many details but I'm convinced all my friends would never be seen dead on a site like this so my identity will be fine.