the ravings of a teenage nobody

[bobsiesprincess]

Im sorry David didn't get back to you. it sounded so hopeful with all the texts and calls when he cancelled 2! but ah well, hes probably not worth it anyway.

 

you were so brave asking him to meet up as well, I cant do things like that! you say asking guys to meet up isnt effective, but i think it is rather than sitting about liking them and doing nothing about it!

 

What i've found as i've gotten a bit older is all the guys that messed me around and stuff when i was younger, or I liked and they didn't like me, they all come back in the end and it feels great rejecting them! Bet that happens for you too.

[stranded247]

Im sorry David didn't get back to you. it sounded so hopeful with all the texts and calls when he cancelled 2! but ah well, hes probably not worth it anyway.

 

you were so brave asking him to meet up as well, I cant do things like that! you say asking guys to meet up isnt effective, but i think it is rather than sitting about liking them and doing nothing about it!

 

What i've found as i've gotten a bit older is all the guys that messed me around and stuff when i was younger, or I liked and they didn't like me, they all come back in the end and it feels great rejecting them! Bet that happens for you too.

 

thanks for that.

Well I'm not too worried because I honestly think he liked me, you just get that feeling when someone does and well I think he's too shy because Pedro told me about all these other times girls asked him to meet up and he just got scared. But oh well I'm not too discouraged, I'm feeling strangely cheery, I mean obviously I will move on but I dont feel rejected or even angry at him, its really weird because I usually get so upset over small things like this. Wow your lucky I would love it if all the guys I liked from the past but didn't like me suddenly liked me haha. But I will have probably moved from London by then and be somewhere far away for univercity like scotland but its a lovely thought. I hope all is going well for you with moving on from K. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find someone you deserve. And good luck with those exams I'm also going to have to spend the next six months working like a dog well obviously not as hard as you but I'm gonna just try and get it all over with.

[bobsiesprincess]

Yeh i know what you mean, you do know when someone likes you. Obviously not ALL the guys from the past but a fair few....... I guess what I'm trying to say is boys can be really silly, especially when theyre young. And if the reason is he's too shy, I'm sure one day he'll realise how stupid that was!

 

What do you fancy doing at university? You really thinking about going to uni in Scotland?

[stranded247]

Yeh i know what you mean, you do know when someone likes you. Obviously not ALL the guys from the past but a fair few....... I guess what I'm trying to say is boys can be really silly, especially when theyre young. And if the reason is he's too shy, I'm sure one day he'll realise how stupid that was!

 

What do you fancy doing at university? You really thinking about going to uni in Scotland?

 

Well yeah a fair few is still very good.

Well I'm not sure yet what I want to do, english is my best subject but its so oversubscribed and everyone wants to go. Yeah, I'm half scottish so if I dont get into oxbridge I want to try for st.andrews or edinburgh univercity but the problem is its a four year course in scotland and I will be 19 when I start univercity so its a little too long but I really want to go to univercity far away from London because I always wanted to go to boarding school for some weird reason haha. I'm guessing from ur journal ur at univercity, what are u studying?

[bobsiesprincess]

Well yeah a fair few is still very good.

Well I'm not sure yet what I want to do, english is my best subject but its so oversubscribed and everyone wants to go. Yeah, I'm half scottish so if I dont get into oxbridge I want to try for st.andrews or edinburgh univercity but the problem is its a four year course in scotland and I will be 19 when I start univercity so its a little too long but I really want to go to univercity far away from London because I always wanted to go to boarding school for some weird reason haha. I'm guessing from ur journal ur at univercity, what are u studying?

 

ah kool, i know ppl at st andrews and edinburgh n theyre both excellent unis. im biased towards edinburgh though cos its the best city ever. I'm studying law and I go to uni in Glasgow. Its such a tough course! but im nearly done yaaaay.

[stranded247]

There is this girl in my class who I used to be good friends with when I was 14 for about a year. I distanced myself from her as she was quite nasty behind my back, she had a lot of insecurities and she was anorexic. Anyway we all thought she had recovered. Apparently not, she hasn't been in school for the past week or two and her best friend says she's in for anorexia and the teachers will only tell us that she's in hospital. Whats even more obvious is that we all received leaflets about "Body Blues" to hand in to our parents. And this girl Kate was in my classroom at lunch eating her soup (we arn't meant to eat in classrooms due to risk of rat infestation) and my form tutor comes in and tells her to go to the cafeteria and finish her lunch. Kate just said that she would stop eating seeing as she had already eaten most of it and was no longer hungry. My form tutor got really uppity and started saying that eating is good for you and that you shouldn't skip meals.

All of a sudden my whole year is pretending they are best friends with this girl and they all want to buy her flowers when she arrives in school. I think this is the worst idea, she's not going to want people to know about it, thats why she never spoke about her anorexia. And buying her flowers is cute but it suggests the whole year knows she's anorexic. I think it would save her a lot of angst if she came back and we just acted like she'd been ill from flu. But anyway as far as I'm concerned I wish to stay out of this whole scenario as much as possible. I sometimes feel like the girls in my year are so much younger than me mentally, I know it must sound snobbish and it probably is. Well technically I am a year older than everyone as I was held back at the age of 9 as I missed a lot school due to being ill and partially deaf/learning difficulties and all that BS. But there are so few who are actually mature. I really wont miss this place. I just hang with livy mostly and the rest of the time I feel like an outsider or I feel like I'm there but watching from the outside. tomorrow is Pedro's birthday, I better call him tomorrow and I have a blood test to check if my dosage of levothyroxin needs increasing. Also I get the day off on friday because my school is holding entrance exams. So I may get my hair highlighted. Oh god I hate the month January its so bleak in London. I want to live in Paris. I cant wait to leave school and finish with all of this tedious stuff. I know it will go quicker than I realise but I just want to be in my twenties. Being a teenager is so limiting in every sense and so awkward! I mean I'm sure its great for those people who are beautiful and party all the time and everyone loves them but for the rest its a little harder. I know I will be better when I'm older, I know I'll look better, feel better and have more confidence and I will be financially independent which I cant wait for.

[stranded247]

So I just looked at this sixthform college which happens to be situated really near me and I think I've found my first choice yay! Over 60% of students achieve A's at A Level and they have all these amazing facilities and they actually want to admit pupils from the independent sector like me. Not only this but they have all sorts of amazing extra curriculars and they have ski trips,proms (I mean in an english school!!) and it seems like a really friendly environment and their oxbridge entry level is good. Okay its awful to assume its perfect but its not overly academic like some other places I've applied for but still upholds good standards. I just completed my application already on the night of the open evening to show them I am keen. Oh and did I mention its mixed and its not like I want to go there for the guys soley but I must remark on the level of buffness! I had a nice day today, also I'm finally getting my hair done on friday so more blondeness which will brighten up my bleak janvier. I also want to do chemistry at a level there because univercities adore people who do sciences and I did get an A* in my chemistry mock so its not like I'm a failure. I saw some girls from my college there. I really hope I get in and I think that I stand a good chance of being accepted to this place. Also I am trying to be more positive these days. The less negativity the better!

[stranded247]

I really want to start vlogging, yes vlogging on youtube-its like this except on video and it would be less personal and more for entertainment value. I find it relaxing at the moment to watch mindless vlogs, my favourite users are probably: devonks,paperlilies,pearshaped68,charlieissocoollike,nerimon and so on.

Anyway enough about youtube. I have a day off school tomorrow YAY!! And I just got a nice text from ben saying he was annoyed tha he couldn't speak to me on msn the one night I was actually online. Oh and I'm dying my hair blonder tomorrow, golly its so exciting!! These little things really cheer up my bleak janvier. I think i'm going to start calling this winter period of january and february "bleakmass". You know its a sort of post-christmas depressing time. I actually find that whining about it makes it more pleasant-perverse I know!

I'm feeling really impatient about the future, I want to it to hurry up but at the same time I dont because I have these awful exams. I hate that we cant use profanities on enotalone. I know its bad but its a londoners habit thing. Just the other day I shocked myself. I was on the bus and it was really crowded and i was sqaushed against the door and some huge girl was leaning into me so as you can imagine its not at all comfortable. And then the bus driver opened the door and closed it on my foot and so I automatically went "Oh F**K!". And I'm suposed to be proper and elegant? haha that went out the window. Kiera Knightley swears a lot but she's so beautiful she can get away with it. Oh I could go on about Kiera Knightley forever-I dont think I've ever seen a more beautiful human in my life. I save every magazine with her face on it. Its really sad but I reckon everyone does something uber sad. Like when people come to my house I always have a little check list of things I want off display. For example I have loads of self-help books like: "change your life in seven days" and "think yourself slim". And then I have so ugly photos of me and my dead friend which I only hang up because they are the only photos of me and her I have. And also I hide my journal and my poetry and my stupid keepsakes in a secret draw. For example I have cinema tickets of films I went to see with old boyfriends and a coca cola drink a guy i liked bought me, some fake roses, an astrology chart, my self affirmations (VERY uncool), letters from leila, letters from an old boyfriend, black and white photos of me and my brother and my dad when he was a kid. All this sort of sentimental stuff. I usually try to proof my room free from this stuff when friends come over. Except for when Chloe comes because her room is the same and Pedro doesn't care. Anyway this has been a very pointless journal entry but I've got no school tomorrow so i'm making the most of staying up late ahh...

[stranded247]

So after being certain David isn't interested in me I just got a random text from him saying: "Hey, howcome you get the day off today? Lucky!." If he isn't interested in me or trying to avoid me why does he text me?!? Is he paralytically shy? I mean is he to shy to bring up meeting up again or what? I think that may be the answer but I'm not too sure. I know they've probably been talking about me cos him and ben have a field trip together today so thats how he would know I have a day off. Plus ben spent the whole of last night texting me to come online and I was almost asleep when he did that so it was so annoying! He calls me weird names like: "smelly pirate hooker". I mean what the hell is with that?! Its just embarrassing lol. He's texted me five times in a row now without me replying to one of them, oh dear I better reply then. Oh and I've lost yet another lb that I gained back over the christmas period so I'm feeling very merry today.

[stranded247]

God I want to hibernate, I'm sleepy and hungry all the time, this weather is good for no one! I've got a pile of work to do but I'm too tired so I'm putting it off for another six minutes whilst I write here. The weekend has bee dreary, I'm having a dry spell in all senses, social life dying down and work playing up. I've decided to start a book of goals. I got this stupid notebook covered in faeries at christmas from my mum which I would have died for at age five but still I love notebooks so its useful. Anyway I've called it all things aspirational. I just wrote a big bunch of goals I want to accomplish. They arn't unrealistic they are quite achievable and now the plan is to update on progress. I have so many bloody journals its almost arrogant. I have one I started on my fifteenth birthday and its almost finished but I only write in it when something mildly interesting happens or I update it every month or so. Then I have this journal on enotalone which I write in most frequently and then this new goal journal. But I dont really write about me or in that just what I'm doing to achieve my goals. The only thing that has perked up bleakmass for me is having my hair highlighted. Its very shallow and costly but seriously January is one grim month. Hopefully I'll be a bit more social this weekend and see Pedro. Next weekend we've all planned to go and see "Penelope" the movie (we're only seeing it because I'm called Penelope so of course there will be plenty of jokes) David is coming to that but I dont know what to make of him at the moment.

[stranded247]

Well this week was seeming to be pretty awful. Livy invited me to this fancy dress party, it was the party of one of the "popular" girls in my year and she was being nice and inviting everyone. I was tempted to go but Liv told me about it on Thursday and everyone wanted me to dress as Mrs.Lovett from sweeney todd even though I dont look remotely like helena bohm carter nor did I have the hair for it. I wanted to go as Debbie Harry from Blondie and rock a peroxide blonde wig and some cool eighties glasses but of course my wardrobe didn't cater for that. Plus I heard my old boyfriend was going with his girlfriend who is in my year and all their druggy friends so in the end I decided not to go. I don't like the girls at my school, I know its snobbish (well of course I like a few like livy and bathy etc.) but they have a worse kind of snobbery: which is to look down on me. I just find some of the things they do and say so shallow and immature. Thank god I have friends out of school otherwise I'd be royally screwed. Anyway I made a stupid excuse not to go to the party and decided to stay home on friday which was nice. I watched that film JUNO about a pregnant teenage girl and I just relaxed.

 

Anyway saturday morning Pedro and David who were meant to be meeting up with me flake out on me, I was really annoyed with Pedro, I asked him on Tuesday to make it clear to me whether we could meet up and he was like "yeah sure". Anyway I was feeling pretty crap thinking I was going to have a boring saturday night in. So I called Chloe and asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said: "Yeah that would be awesome, my friend gaby is with me do you want to come to this guy matt's house tonight? Its gonna be a small party but it should be fun". So I decided to go and meet with them. Chloe's friend Gaby is really nice but a bit stupid and very self-absorbed. This guy Matt was crazy about her, he bought her a necklace costing £110 and they wern't even dating. She sort of twists him round her thumb. Like she will kiss him but when he asks her to be his girlfriend she makes an awful excuse about GCSE's and wanting to stay single. Anyway we all went to matt's house and we bumped into these two girls Cassie and Jess who went to my old school. So they came along with us too. I wasn't in the best mood and I had very little hope for this evening. Anyway some of Matt's friends came over. We all ended up drunkenly playing truth or dare which resulted in two guys kissing me, hooray my dry spell is over!

 

Everyone kept saying how politically incorrect I was and how I reminded them so much of their friend James. He wasn't there but when he did arrive we got talking and he had so many simular views to me and he was really quite cute. Anyway everyone started dancing so he came upto me and started to dance with me. I must admit it was pretty smutty dancing but that was the case with everyone and it was all in good fun. So he spent the whole night with me and everyone was like "oohh you and James have got it going on". Its so nice after so long to have all these guys interested in me again. Chloe was like to me: "Penelope I see you've got quite a few guys eh?". Anyway we all left together and when we said bye James was like: "I'll add you on myspace or something". So I gave him my surnames to look me up. Honestly it would be easier to have just taken my number but some people are funny like that. But I feel like there finally is hope, I honestly began to think I was never going to get any real interest from guys. I think it was the whole gaining weight with hypothyroidism that knocked all hope and confidence out of me. Anyway I'm glad Pedro and David flaked out on me. It led to much better things. And now I feel like anything can happen and that is a wonderful feeling.

[bobsiesprincess]

aw dressing up as blondie wlda bn awesome!

[stranded247]

aw dressing up as blondie wlda bn awesome!

 

Lol yeah it would have but I heard the party didn't go so well because all the girls didn't get on, which I knew would have happened. However I am invited to a pimps and hoes party so maybe I will be a raunchy blondie. But I'm glad I went out on saturday.

[stranded247]

I've got flu, my flu consists of a thumping headache, which is weird because I've never had a headache in my life, high temperature, soar throat and a cold. This is my second day off school and I'm really worried now. I used to like being off school but now it means that I will have piles of work to catch up on which is really annoying. I could do some work today but I'm genuinly ill and it wont do me much good but I will have to practise my english presentation. We've been given the task to make a presentation on anything. So I'm going to play what is known as the "intellectual bandit" and argue the indefensable. I'm arguing that the roman emperor Caligua had a stroke of pure genius when he made his horse inciatus or whatever it was called a senator. I'm going to make crude comparisons between horses and george bush or gordon brown. Its basically an oxford debating team technique.

I have this annoying maths coursework to complete and its just hellish because I dont understand what to do. I'm really worried about my GCSE's all of a sudden. I'm just so stressed! I swear I always become ill when I'm stressed, like when I had my mock exams I walked out my maths exam to be sick. God I'm gonna have to be really careful when I have my GCSE to not get stressed.

Anyway on other fronts, James the guy I met on saturday has been contacting me on myspace. He's so sophisticated, he reading ernest hemingway, likes opera along with metal and rock, he's also on the right when it comes to politics-like me and he's a rugby player. I hate opera but I admire people who are cultured as he clearly is. He seems like a cool guy, would be nice to get to know him better. I've got a sixth form open evening tonight, which should be interesting but I'm ill and I look awful and I know I will bump into people I know.

 

I've also lost 4lbs this week which is nice. Being ill always makes me skinner. Somehow my weight seems like such a trivial issue these days, my life used to revolve around weight. I was always skipping meals and going jogging everyday after school but I couldn't loose much weight unless I starved. I was kind of on the road to anorexia, hypothyroidism is actually directly linked to anorexia. I'm so glad I didn't become anorexic. I had a dream the other night that the girl in my class who is in hopsital at the moment for anorexia died. I used to dream of leila dying before she died. Anyway the other day I heard this girl is on hunger strike and deteriorating rapidly apparently no visitors are allowed. I know its horrible to say this but I think she is going to die. I hope she doesn't but what she is doing is a slow suicide. She is such a perfectionist, she gets A* grades in everything and did everything perfectly, she's one of those people who is almost too brilliant and clever. Its often the brilliant people who have tragic endings I find. But to be honest there is only so much sympathy you can have. Anorexia is almost like a form of narrcism. This girl doesn't have to be in hospital, she doesn't have cancer, she doesn't have a brain tumour but she's there on her own accord. Only she has the power to make herself better. It sort of repulses me that people can be so selfish. Sometimes I think anorexics need a bit of tough love. If she dies imagine what her family will go through! My mother was anorexic in her twenties and thirties mostly because of her domineering mother and her brother Hugh dying when he was 15. She still has a slight anorexic mindset and she's very healthy usually, there is no sugar in my house or anything except a few things for my brother. She's into all these health things like live enzyme vegetable juices, goji berries, hemp seeds, non-dairy (were both lactose intolerant) etc. I think its good because it means I'm very healthy too but my mum can be tough when it comes to weight. Although at the moment she says I'm really slim and I look good which is a big compliment considering how judgemental she can be. Anyway I think I need to stop worrying about everything so much its not good for me.

[stranded247]

I'm feeling pretty low today. I want to curl up into a ball watch some good tv and eat chocolate and sleep. That is all I desire to do. I've been off school for three days. I thought I would be okay to go out yesterday so I went to the cinema with pedro, david, ben, adam and patrick, we got something to eat in cafe rouge and then saw that film "Penelope". It was nice to see them all but I was feeling really * * * * . My ear drums inflated, the sort of feeling you get when your flying on a plane and you want your ears to pop but they wont. So I found it difficult to hear the conversation, my nose was running like a tap so I just had a kleenex over my nose most of the night. I was invited to go to Gaby's party afterwards where that guy James from last weekend would be. Really wanted to go but was way too ill. I wonder how it all went, he probably met some other buff girl. I'll ask Chloe how it went later. Maybe we can all do something next weekend, surely I will be better then. I've gotten worse since going out last night, I'm not sure going into school tomorrow will do me any good. I sound so croaky its horrible, everyone last night was like "jeez penelope your losing your voice really badly!". I just hate sitting inside all day but it was stupid to have gone out. Its really weird but according to this guy rory who was at the party last week, his friend James told him that he kissed me and I touched his "manhood". How weird is that?! We didn't kiss, if he had wanted to kiss me why didn't he?! And there is no way I touched his "manhood" lol. I'd just met him-christ. Anyway I'll ask him if its true. Part of me is flattered and amused, the other is slightly insulted and surprised.

[bobsiesprincess]

Its really weird but according to this guy rory who was at the party last week, his friend James told him that he kissed me and I touched his "manhood". How weird is that?! We didn't kiss, if he had wanted to kiss me why didn't he?! And there is no way I touched his "manhood" lol. I'd just met him-christ. Anyway I'll ask him if its true. Part of me is flattered and amused, the other is slightly insulted and surprised.

 

oh dear, thats a biiig warning sign penelope if hes making stuff like that up before anything has even happened. i guess theres no way to tell if its actually true or not though, cos hes not exactly gona admit to you that he did say that cos it would make him seem like a complete tosser. so be careful with this one!

[stranded247]

oh dear, thats a biiig warning sign penelope if hes making stuff like that up before anything has even happened. i guess theres no way to tell if its actually true or not though, cos hes not exactly gona admit to you that he did say that cos it would make him seem like a complete tosser. so be careful with this one!

 

Yeah it is a big warning sign, your right. I guess I will just have to wait to ask him. Either that or he was being sarcastic and his friend who is quite dense took it literally but I have a feeling he was being serious.

[stranded247]

I asked him and he was like " * * * ?! no, dont believe rory he really chats a load of b*llocks. And then he just randomly signed off after that which brings me to two conclusions: 1. his msn stopped working and signed him off. 2. He blocked me/ signed off because he was bored.

Anyway point is, he isn't a safe guy. I feel so desperately gloomy. Its like everything leads to nowhere, I always get all these really hopeful things happening and then they fizzle out. My friend gabe said to me, "Penelope you're beautiful but your not lucky at all". I just thought, well thanks! Who cares if I'm beautiful?! I don't think I am, I would say that I can be attractive but beautiful? no. What is beautiful anyway?! Looks dont matter that much I realize, I can attract guys but past the stage of looks and I'm doomed. It takes so much more than attraction. And I just dont understand what it is. Am I needy? Am clingy? Am I boring? I mean what the hell?!?! Why am I even asking myself these stupid questions! I know the answers. I believe I'm none of these but jesus christ I almost give up. Either its some wimpy shy guy or some jerk or just...its bloody hopeless. This was not how the blonde era was meant to go. But nothing ever turns out the way I wanted it to. I guess I'll just focus on being uber slim and work on my confidence. The reason I want a boyfriend I guess is because I dont feel like I have friends anymore. Pedro just hasn't been bothering with me much lately, we're close but there's an emptyness, same goes for chloe we'll never be as close after that incedent in december. Livy well I like her but were so different that you can only be so close. I just feel like there is a casm that needs filling. I want a best friend and someone who I can talk to about everything because I dont have that and I miss it. And well a boyfriend just seems like the solution. I want to be able to stand still and hug someone for ages without it seeming weird. Hugs are so...oh wait James signed online so he didn't block me afterall. Why does my little heart suddenly start to pitter patter?! Why do I even care!! I'm not going to sign on just yet. Give it five minutes or so. Come on Penelope. And I bet he wont start talking to me anyway. Is it me or are modern boys these days really passive when it comes to chasing girls? Or am I just interested in guys that are disinterested? I fear its the latter.

[stranded247]

I had parents evening last night, mostly everyone was very positive. Russian was amazing, my russian teacher was so pleased with me, it was so nice! But for chemistry I was told if I wanted to get the A I deserved then I should start revising this half term. French was good, so was maths! Philosophy was awful which is a shame because I do try. Anyway I'm pulling a semi-allnighter as I've been off school for four days they've loaded me with essay upon essay. I've just finished my maths coursework, my english coursework and I finished preparing my english presentation. Now I'm doing a french reading exam practise paper, then I have to do this bloody history essay and some philosophy and do some research for russian. I'm tempted to do the philosophy in lunch break and hand it in later. Anyway spoke to Chloe, have a good weekend all lined up, yay! tomorrow were going to have a night in, go for dinner or something. And saturday I've got fencing then me, chloe and gaby are probably going to go to a party at that guy matt's house, James might be there. So thats exciting. But Chloe said something interesting to me, she said that she's decided not to have expectations, for example she said how much fun she will have on one evening should not depend on how much interaction she gets with a guy, basically we shouldn't expect guys to show us a good time. I think thats a good idea, high expectations in my opinion are always bad. Anyway I just want to be social and talk to people, have no other expectations. And sunday will be cool because its half-term and I wont have to spend the day working so I will do something nice like go for a walk, see some friends or something. Maybe I'll call Liza, I havn't seen her in ages!! I mean we live next door to eachother and go to the same school yet I see people who don't go to the same school or live near me far more often. I think its just generally clashing schedules. I bumped into her in the IT lab and she was like: "Penelope, I miss you! I never see you!".

God I should get on with some work. But at least I've got this weekend to look forward to and half term, although I have to babysit and I plan to do a lot of studying for GCSE's as well.

[stranded247]

Last night me Chloe, Gaby, Matt and Rory went out for dinner which was nice but Matt is such an indulged boy, I mean I know he doesn't go to private school but still his parents give him £90 a week for money!!! I get £70 a month and I have to buy my own clothes, travel, books, make up, shoes, coats. Anyway he was really extravagant in this chinese restaurant and we ended up paying way too much money and not eating half the food. That annoyed me.

Chloe has changed so much, I havn't realised till this weekend. Gaby has such influence over her. Anyway we went to matt's house tonight, that guy james was there and kevin and this guy ed and dominic. And two of gaby's friends caragh and hannah, who were nice but rather chavvy girls. Gaby ruined a lot of the evening because she's stringing this guy matt along and he's asked her out a thousand times and she keeps saying no but she flirts with him, jumps on top of him and has two hour conversations with him on the phone everynight-she's such a twisted, over-complicated and drama-seeking girl. Anyway everyone got into huge arguments, matt got off with caragh because Gaby annoyed him and broke his havana cigarette. I personally think we would have had a nicer night if there had been less alcohol. Chloe drinks far too much its worrying, she had about five large bottles of smirnoff ice. I just had a few small glasses of the stuff. I was quite disappointed by the evening because there was very little dancing and nothing happened with James. He put his arm around me when I said I felt ill, told me he thought I was funny when Kevin said he was going to ask Jess out and I said, "Oh yay!! Thats so nice!! Can I come to the wedding?!". It was a joke of course but I think he was being sarcastic. Chloe said James was being nice to me and that he winked at me several times and he did tell me I should come and watch him and matt play rugby. God I'm so stupid!!! Why do I always act standoffish and shy when clearly someone is being nice. Urgh I really fancy him!! I felt so jealous when Gaby was like, "Oh Mary-kate is so pretty, you thought she was gorgeous didn't you?". And he was like: "yeah she was but she was completely out of my league".

Urgh. Yuck! Anyway everyone was getting pissed off at eachother so I just decided to leave, got a hug from them all, and of course James who said it "was nice to see you". Maybe if I tell kevin I like him it might make things better but probably not. Also James was complaining how he hadn't gotten with a girl in eight months and him and Kevin were being all depressive and Chloe was being an emotional drunk and crying, urgh I hate alcohol!!! On my way home tonight I was on the tube looking sad and this good looking blonde man suddenly grabbed my arm, and said: "SMILE!". I was so taken aback because if someone grabs you on the tube at midnight its usually not a good sign so I just looked shocked and then I forced a smile but he was already gone. Oh why is my love life so awful!! Am I ugly or something?! Sheesh this sucks. And gaby and her stupid drama and chloe and gaby always making me feel like third wheel! At least Adam wants to meet up tomorrow and for me and the gang eg ben, pedro, david, patrick etc. to go see a film. They are nice boys who are far too shy to ever screw me over, to get drunk, well me and ben got merry on new years eve but he was a very timid drunk and we were just cheerful. But they are very different to this new crowd of people i've been seeing. It sort of makes them seem a lot less exciting to me because we never go out to parties or have an obvious sexual tension thing going on but at the same time I adore them because I just feel like they are really good friends who will look out for me. And I can have really good conversations with them. Oh i'm just tired and I wish I was prettier, skinnier and that people liked me more. I don't connect with people on deeper levels these days, its all just lots of casual friends. But I want to be close to a person, I crave intensity for some reason, I like having a good social life but I miss being close to people.

[bobsiesprincess]

On my way home tonight I was on the tube looking sad and this good looking blonde man suddenly grabbed my arm, and said: "SMILE!". I was so taken aback because if someone grabs you on the tube at midnight its usually not a good sign so I just looked shocked and then I forced a smile but he was already gone.

 

Oh why is my love life so awful!! Am I ugly or something?!

 

Oh i'm just tired and I wish I was prettier, skinnier and that people liked me more. I don't connect with people on deeper levels these days, its all just lots of casual friends. But I want to be close to a person, I crave intensity for some reason, I like having a good social life but I miss being close to people.

 

i get that all the time, but usually its creepy old men telling me to smile. i find it weird cos its like if your walking down the street youself or sitting on the train yourself your not exactly gonna have a big cheeser on!

 

your love life is defo not awful because your ugly. you look gorgeous in your pictures. your only 16 - the love life will defo come. just enjoy being young, free and single because relationships can be so much drama and hurt.

 

i can totaly relate to the last bit. you will probably meet people at uni who you will become really close to and who will become life long friends. just enjoy the social life you having just now - it sounds great, your always out doing different things with different people. loads of people would kill for that!

 

hope your ok anyway.

[stranded247]

i get that all the time, but usually its creepy old men telling me to smile. i find it weird cos its like if your walking down the street youself or sitting on the train yourself your not exactly gonna have a big cheeser on!

 

your love life is defo not awful because your ugly. you look gorgeous in your pictures. your only 16 - the love life will defo come. just enjoy being young, free and single because relationships can be so much drama and hurt.

 

i can totaly relate to the last bit. you will probably meet people at uni who you will become really close to and who will become life long friends. just enjoy the social life you having just now - it sounds great, your always out doing different things with different people. loads of people would kill for that!

 

hope your ok anyway.

Yeah it is weird! I mean I know sometimes people look miserable and you want them to cheer up but walking around with a huge grin can look a tad strange.But its nice that some people have the confidence to just do that. The guy was so good looking but I think he was in his twenties so too old for me haha! And I gave him such a scared look that he just ran away lol.

Aww thank you, makes me feel hopeful, I hate to whine but sometimes I get down easily because i'm not the most confident of people. Thanks I will definitely try to enjoy being young more, I am enjoying it far more than I was when I started this journal. Before I hated being a teenager now I don't mind it so much.

Yeah you're right i should appreciate what I have, I never used to have a social life and now I do so I should be really pleased. At least I'm seeing all my friends tonight, we're seeing that film cloverfield and going for pizza. But david isn't coming but I don't paticularly mind. Its just nice to go out with a bunch of boys who are genuinly nice and caring and they are actually my friends whereas those other guys just see me either as a posh boring girl or some sort of conquest.

Ah i'm really looking forward to univericity I can't wait to make closer friends. I guess its nice to have a break from being intensely close with people all the time.

[stranded247]

I've done no work today. All I did was babysit isabella, should be getting paid tomorrow, I made about £25. I've been called back for an interview at one of the sixthforms I'm trying for. Its not my first choice but its a good sixth form and it looks pretty good. I saw cloverfield last night with adam, ben and patrick. It was good, we all just talked for ages, were all planning to go to Paris after our GCSE's, me and pedro's girlfriend will be the only girls but I dont mind. They are such nice boys. I went to Leila's parents shop today to just to say hello, I've been missing leila a lot recently. But they wern't there which made me sad. Its funny how you can walk into a crowded room and talk to a lot of people yet still feel completely isolated. I'm finding at the moment that I always need to see people, all of a sudden my own company is not enjoyable yet i'm such a homebody usually. I just feel very empty. I want someone to hug me for a long time. I wish leila was still alive to do that. I just feel like there is no one to be close to. I'm fine on my own, I don't really need anyone but the more I think about it the more I feel lonely. Its a strange feeling, I've never been more popular yet felt more alone. And whose fault is that anyway? mine, all my own fault. I'm responsible for any shortcomings.

On a more cheerful note adam says he will teach me how to play poker this week. And he's invited me to his birthday party, he's such a nice friend. He's just one of those people that is so easy going and fun to get on with, he's always happy, always positive and very clever, he's probably going to end up at oxford or something.

Ha I just made the stupidest playlist on my Itunes, its called "Songs that make you want to die and it consists of:

The Rebels-The Cranberries

She Will Be Loved-Maroon 5

Faded From The Winter-Iron and Wine

The Fool On The Hill-The Beatles

Half Acre-Hem

I Saw Daddy Today-Yann Tiersen

The Zephyr Song-The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Pretty Girls Make Graves-The Smiths

Not An Addict-K's Choice

There is a Light that Never Goes Out-The Smiths

The Freshman-The Verve Pipe

Zombie-The Cranberries

In The End-Linkin Park

Let's Go-Score

Dream On-Led Zeppelin

Last Goodbye-Jeff Buckley

Sometimes Wanna Die-Joydrop

This Is How You Remind Me-Nickleback

Sad Song-Oasis

Apologize-One Republic

Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack-Radiohead

Cry Baby, Cry-The Beatles

Sarah-Bob Dylan

Love Hurts-Aerosmith

Between The Bars-Elliot Smith

Stan-Eminem ft.Dido

Wedding Song-Romeo and Juliet Sountrack

Heaven isn't too Far Away-Whitesnake

Sorry-Youth Group

 

Anway listening to so many depressing songs in one go has the reverse effect, it makes things seem funny lol. I'm actually feeling cheerful, ironically!

[stranded247]

Wow half-term is almost over and within a blink. I've had a really nice time though. Tuesday I just chilled, Wednesday was fun, I went to covent garden with chloe and we just caught up alone together without gaby or anyone. We just had coffee, went window shopping because we are both absolutely broke, somehow i've managed to spend over £70+ this week-too much socialising!! Anyway Chloe was telling me not to be so insecure, she said: "Penelope your slim, stop dressing in baggy clothes and be a bit more funky show off your figure!! The preppy look suits you but your already good looking and if you were to dress in a more funked up fashion you would be a head turner". I liked that she gave me honest advice but I like my plain clothes too. But anyway she gave me some "fashion advice" and then I showed her how to do her eyeliner properly-god were so female! lol. We were discussing this new group of guys we've been hanging out with and we both decided that they arn't trustworthy guys and they will take advantage of us if we let them. I mean they are great for a laugh and a bit of a rave but they are not what you could call nice boys and in terms of personality I think they are all rather dull, even this guy James. I like the idea of him but I know he's not a nice guy and I really dont trust any of them. As a group of friends they are all very backstabbing towards eachother which is unusual as boys tend to be loyal to their close friends. But I mean matt's best friend has started to date gaby when he knew matt was practically in love with her. And they were so nasty to matt about gaby and they defended her against him when they've only known gaby for a few weeks or so-weird or what?!

Anyway after going to covent garden it was my mums birthday so we all went out for dinner which was nice. And then later when I signed online Ben randomly started talking to me and saying that adam had asked him what he would rate me out of 10 and ben told me that he rated me an 8 out of 10. It was sooo nice to be flattered like that I was expecting him to say something mean, and I was like "oh thank you ben!!" and he was just like: "calm down dear, its not like I'd ever give you a 1!". So that really boosted my self esteem.

 

Yesterday was my favourite day of the week though. In the morning I had my first interview for a prospective sixth form which called me back after I applied for their sixth form sending my referenances and personal statement. I was really nervous but I got chatting to this really friendly girl in the waiting room who had already had her interview so she gave me the lowdown. I also did something really funny, I imagined I was Pedro because he's really confident and he always goes on about he "he's a sexy beast who can do anything he wants" so for a laugh I told myself: "I am Penelope, I'm a sexy beast, everybody loves me, I'm going to be bloody incredible and breath-taking in this interview because I am a ledge". Anyway I made myself laugh and by the time the deputy head came down to interview me I felt really confident and had my answers all ready and I introduced myself a la pedro style (firm handshake and polite introduction). Anyway the interview went really well, my interviewer was really friendly and he seemed impressed by all the things I was doing. He asked about my russian and I told him that I love languages and that I was really sad to have to drop it. And then he was like: "well we could arrange for you to do it at a level, you would have to study it outside school but we could arrange for you to take the A Level exam in the school". So if I got a place at this sixthform I could possibly continue my russian which at the moment I am loving! I will miss my russian teacher she's soooo good and really nice. Anyway my interview went really well and he asked me all the sort of questions I had rehearsed with my mum beforehand. It helps when your mother's proffession is media training!

 

Anyway last night I went out to see the film Jumper with adam, ben, david, patrick and I decided to invite chloe along. Chloe was really late and so we ended up keeping them all waiting which made me feel really guilty but thats chloe for ya anyway adam was nice and bought us tickets. The film was awful but afterwards we went back to adam's place ordered pizza and played poker. Adam's house is so nice, he has a pool in his back garden, they are quite wealthy! Me and chloe didn't know how to play so the whole process of them teaching us was rather histerical however I managed to fluke myself a fortune just as they had written me off as a dumb blonde. Dave was really nice to me and he kept touching me and talking to me. They are such nice guys I really adore them all. They would never mess you around and they are all so caring and friendly. I cant wait to go on holiday with them all after GCSE's it will be so fun! And at the end of the evening Adam gave me and chloe a rose each and he was like: "Happy valentines day ladies". I hate valentines day its really cheesy but it was so sweet of him and no guy has ever given me a rose so it was nice. Dave offered to walk me back to the station, he was like: "We cant have you being abducted now, this is one nasty ghetto". Obviously it wasn't a ghetto but it was nice. So adam's twenty year old brother ran me chloe and david to the station. And as soon as it was just me and chloe alone, chloe was like: "Oh my god david so badly fancies you!!". She said that she thought he seemed like a really private person who doesn't open up easily and he seems very frigid, she thought that if I were to be flirtatious with him he would just back away because it would scare him. But chloe who usually tells me when to give up on a guy was like:

"Penelope I honestly think you guys could happen, its really obvious he fancies you, I think the only way this will work is if you become really close friends with him first until he can be open around you, I think he would be a really interesting person to be with once he opened up to you, he's a really nice guy and its obvious he cares about you".

I do really like him and i'm not going to give up, I've just got to become really close to him, how I'll do it? I don't know. It might take a long time because he is so shy and "frigid". But I never believed he didn't like me, he's a complicated person I think. And last night when he hugged me goodbye it was really weird because he sort of held me really close and just looked into my eyes for longer than what is normal and then looked really shy and nervous and so I pulled away. Anyway I'm freaking out my first GCSE is on the 9th of may. I've got to buckle down and stop going out so much. Oh christ why do GCSE's have to coincide with my life actually getting interesting?! I've got so much work to do its not even funny and I looked at my GCSE timetable and for some weird reason I have about 4 days of study leave wheras everyone else shall get two weeks-that is really worrying. I've got to get back to a normal routine of hard work. But today I had to get up early and babysit isabella from 8am so I left chloe, I had a rubbish sleep last night as chloe took all the covers and I got cold and my throat hurt so I'm going to bed now even though its the middle of the day and then I'll work tonight even though Eli, Julia and Doug are coming round. Then I'm just going to stay in this weekend. Well I shall try to stay in! God I have a social life at the worst time possible.

[stranded247]

So I'm just trying to get back on track work wise. School is a nightmare what with the impending GCSE's, all my teachers are like: "You have to start revising now!!" which really scares me because its so difficult to study on top of the huge work load we have. My french teacher gave us this amazing booklet of about 50 pages filled with key A* phrases in french, since my grammar is awful and I have difficulty forming tenses and whatnot I'm going to try and learn two pages a week from this booklet. Anyway enough about boring school. Last night was Adam's birthday and the end of the mocks for ben, adam, patrick and dave. So we went for pizza and saw "Be Kind Rewind", it was a decent film, far better than jumper, it was actually funny, dave was in histerics he thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. I bought this really nice outfit yesterday too and it was all on sale but it looks really good, I'm wearing more purple these days as I think purple goes with blonde hair. Anyway last night was fun, david was being really cute, whenever the pearl and dean theme tune comes on he sings along to it for a laugh. So this time I was like: "come dave, sing", he was like "alright but only for you". I noticed he talked more about himself to me last night than he usually does which was encouraging haha. Anyway Adam's brother wanted to know if we all wanted a ride back to Adam's place for a game of poker. But then Adam's brother was like there's not enough room in the car Penelope, so he said to me: "You get to pick who's lap your sitting on but just keep your head down". Seeing as they were all a bunch of guys it was really embarrassing and then dave was like, "keep her head down? you dirty boy!".

Anyway we all decided it was inconvienient to go to Adam's because there was no way I could get home at 2am when all the trains stopped running. I'm meant to be going to this guy matt's party tonight if Chloe managed to get me on the guestlist, there is like 180 people going or something. Chloe called me last night but I was out so I need to call her and see whats happening, it may turn out that I will spend tonight being alll lonneeelllyyy. But oh well. I'm so annoyed I stepped on the scales and it showed a 3lbs weight gain but then again my weight fluctuates between 5lbs every week. Also taking loads of laxatives does not help I think especially when you come off because all it was, was water weight. Anyway everyone is saying I look skinnier and its funnier because today I felt like I'd actually lost weight and when I had actually lost weight I couldn't notice it yet today when I step on the scales it tells me I'm heavier. Oh wait, this is explained, its that time of the month coming up, ahhh now I see. Anyway I've got fencing today so I will be lighter on the scales tomorrow, plus I wont eat dinner tonight if I'm going out.