the ravings of a teenage nobody

[stranded247]

Today I fear, was the last beautiful autumnal day of this year. I was walking home from my fencing lesson and as the sun set the tree's were set aglow as if they were on fire. Usually small things like this feel me with hope. I dont know why but sometimes when you dont have a lot going for you beauty seems to satisfy me. I must be shallow.

I was having a perfectly decent day until my friend called me, i'll call him pedro since he does actually have a spanish name even though he is swiss?! God knows why, personally I think its a bit pretencious but oh well.

So he cancels on me just because his girlfriend says "friday is their day" i mean they are 16 and already she controls what days he can see me. I hate that girl, she is so bloody perfect that you cant hate her. But what I dont understand is that she is so boring and unintelligent whereas he is so clever?! Surely he wants to date someone with a few brain cells? But no she gives good blow jobs and she's pretty and "he loves her" so of course that is all that matters.

Anyway pedro who is probably one of my closest friends called me today saying he'll make it up to me and then he was going on about his brilliant social life and how he was having fun at the same time being on top of his work for GCSE's.

I always feel fine about being a bit of a loner until he invites me to a party or tells me how the guy he tried to set me up with has now got a girlfriend. I just want to work this year. Well I dont actually but I have to. Last year I did so badly that I have no option and I am aspiring for oxford so here come my three years of gruelling work in order to get where I want. I guess it is worth it but sometimes I feel miserable.

I have all these aspirations and I've always sort of thought they would fall into my lap and now I reach the time I have to act and I realize just how much bloody work its going to take. So year 11 I shall cut out all social life. I never really had much anyway. I'll just go see the odd film with pedro or chloe from time to time and hang out with tom. Except Tom is moving house so he will no longer be my next door neighbor which really saddens me since we've been childhood friends and i've always just casually popped in and now I will see him so rarely. The worst part is that he doesn't seem to care. He's obsessed with the new girls at his school so now he gives no time to me and my brother.

Anyway I hope tomorrow will be a good day even though I shall just probably go straight home, I'll go past the new juice bar just cos the guy who makes the juices is so breathtakingly beautiful ahhh.

One can dream...

Anyhow goodnight I need to finish all my work and studying. Oh gawd help me!

[stranded247]

Ahhh the weekend begins. I have quite a nice weekend lined up hopefully. Today I shall just relax and read maybe watch that new gossip girl tv series and then tomorrow I am off to fencing which should be good. I love it, especially the white jackets and I love how much strategy and thought can be put into a fight. Everyone there is so nice apart from my coach at the moment who thinks I am a spoilt posh girl because of my accent but i dont care. Then in the evening i'm off to andrew's and adam will come to and we will work on our play that we are writing, chill and watch a movie or something. Then sunday is dedicated to working my ass off.

I should be seeing Leila's parents soon. Leila was my best friend but she died when I was thirteen. I still see her parents from time to time which is really nice. Its funny that even after all these years when everyone doesn't think about her much I have dreams of her coming back to life. I remember this summer in the south of france how I had days where I dreamt of her day after day. In most of my dreams I dream that she never died and that it was all a big scam. Usually I am so happy that I dont even get angry with her, I've had dreams where I begged her to forgive me and she just didn't even look at me but said that nothing I could do would make her forgive me. I woke up crying after that. Then there are other dreams where she hugs me and tells me that my life will be okay and that I shouldn't cry.

The best dream I have ever had of her, I dreamt that I was sledeging in a forest and it was winter (ironically winter happened to be her favourite time of year and when it snowed we used to sledge together on snow days off school). I had this dream just after I attempted suicide and I was feeling really depressed and sad. In my dream I got to spend hours talking to her about everything that had happened since she died and how much i missed her. I remember her seeming really happy, we hugged for what seemed like forever and I told her how I wished that she didn't have to go. It was the most consoling dream. It felt so real, I really believed she had come back and that we were going to continue our friendship. Thats the part I hate, I always wake up thinking she is alive and then I realize she died three years ago and its a simular feeling to being slapped in the face. I want to tell her what my life is like now, about my new friends, how i've changed, the boyfriends I had, what life is like without her. I dont believe in God but I feel like my only contact with her is through my dreams. I dont really cry about her that much anymore because I did that for about a year and now there is not much left but sometime I get caught offguard and I want to cry when I think about it.

But now I just miss her so much. Sometimes as cruel as this is I wish it was someone else who had died. I dont feel I will ever be as close to anyone as I was to her. It is not possible to relive that sort of intensity. My parents always thought our friendship was unhealthy. Mainly because we argued so much and at the same time we refused to spend time with anyone else. At school people would complain of how we just shut everyone out and went into our own world. To be honest what everyone says is true but it doesn't stop me from still wanting her to be alive and still wishing no matter how unhealty a friendship it was that it was a friendship i could have had for the rest of my life. I cant say I have gotten over her death but I am numbed to any real pain. I am used to things without her now.

[stranded247]

woke up this morning et voila i've lost another pound, i guess i had just reached my weight loss plateau but things are going to speed up. Getting my blood taken this monday to check if I have a low thyroid. I know this sounds stupid but I secretly want to have a low thyroid so that then they can give me medication to have a higher thyroid and I will not have to worry about why I am loosing weight slowly. When my mum had a high thyroid at the age of like 48 she went down to 45 kilos, she borrowed my mini-skirts and everything. She looked really ill but she looked so good in clothes and she could eat loads of junk food and still loose weight! U cant blame me for wanting this disorder can u? Its hereditary anyway. But she has a low thyroid at the moment which means she cant loose weight and she's really lathargic and she is being so grouchy and moody. Like i told her that we wern't watching the news cos my brother wanted to watch friend and she screamed at me just for saying we wern't watching the news. She's never like that, she's made me cry at least three times this week, that very rarely happens.

What I wish for most is to just have a good healthy fast metabolism without some sort of weird health condition. Anyway an old school friend got in touch with me through facebook today and she wants to meet. She's one of those party party type girls who gets really drunk and high, i can tell just by looking at her photo's. Plus one of the first questions she asked me was what did i do? did i smoke and drink? I mean who starts a conversation like that?! Anyway I acted kind of cool and was like i drink but i'm not much of a smoker. She'd think I was totally lame if she knew the truth which is that I drink at the dinner table with my parents and I only ever have about one drink in social situations. I hate getting pissed. It makes me spotty and fat and i act like a fool. The worst thing is being sober when everyone else is acting like fools, its just so boring. I guess I've always been one of those slightly reserved types, i'm introverted yet at the same time pretty extroverted its strange? I dont see what is wrong with liking your own company. So many people I know have to have gangs of friends with them the whole time, its like they cant be by themselves. I think it shows quite a lot of insecurity. They may laugh at me for taking a walk bymyself or drinking coffee in a cafe alone but what the hell is so bad about that?! Anyway I've gotta go fencing now so au revoir to whoever cares to read this or just au revoir to myself.

[stranded247]

I'm so stressed this year, I really have no idea where I will be this time next year. I just found a sixthform I really like the look of more so than my first choice it looks like the sort of place that would help me enter the oxbridge system. Yet you need at least 6 A's for sixthform. I know if I work hard I could achieve that but sometimes I feel so much doubt. I really need to succeed. I really need this. My teenage years have not been great but if I could just go to Oxford and get into a good sixthform college I have the foundations of my life set for me. I am so worried that if I dont achieve that I will let everyone down but most of all myself. I've dreamt of Oxford for so many years. I have to get this! I WILL GET THIS!

I know its early to be worrying but I think that it starts at GCSE and univercity's always examin GCSE grades, if I can get this right now I will set a path of success for myself. Anyway if I want to achieve anything I need to at least be able to meet deadlines. So I must finish my maths coursework.

[stranded247]

just went to a little chinese restaurant with my next door neighbor. It was so nice to do something like that after school. We just talked about how things were and drank green tea and ate really nice food. It was a nice evening. I should really be doing my french homework but I'll start on that soon! I was talking to chloe and she said she will try for the same sixthform as me which would be amazing if we both went!

I posted this thread about the ladder theory on here yesterday and now i am putting all my friendships with guys into context. Its made me think. I know some of the guys I hang out with fancy me, well usually the ones that are really not very good looking sadly and then there are others who I am not sure whether they just dont find me attractive or they do or I am really low down on their ladder. I kind of feel strange now. I was thinking of showing this to pedro but then I know we'd end up talking about our own friendship and seeing as I used to date him it would get so awkward and he'd probably tell me he just wasn't attracted to me or that he prefers his girlfriend which i know without having to ask but i dont need it clarified. Anyway i should be doing some more french now. So au revoir

[stranded247]

So today I get home and my brother tells me that my mum wants to see me immediately. So I think "oh crap, i've done something wrong gonna get yelled at" etc. But no.

My mum got a call from the doctors today with my blood test results. It turns out I have a low thyroid!! I'm actually soooooooooooooo pleased. It explains everything. My huge weight gain in puberty, constantly feeling depressed, tired, worthless everything! Well anyway it explains why I've been trying so hard to loose weight and all I've lost is a measely three pounds over 6 weeks when I do about 8 hours of exercise a week, dont eat sugar, dont eat dairy, eat healthily, dont over eat etc. So now i'm gonna get some medication and my weight will start to fall off and I will go back to my old slender self. I'm not what you would call overweight but for my body I am seeing as i have a very small frame. The downside is that I will have to remember to take my pills for the rest of my life otherwise it will be dangerous or something like that. I am so so so so so glad to finally know what is wrong. After two really bad years of my huge weight gain, confidence loss, depression and everything I now know there is actually hope. I was beggining to feel like it was just me and that I would always be like this. But now I feel so relieved I feel like my future is going to reach a turning point and I will feel so much more confident and prettier and happier and when I feel like that I feel like I can do anything. I used to feel like that all the time but now I rarely do. Its a feeling that once it is taken away you realize how powerful it is to feel like that. I will be able to do anything. I am sooo excited! My life is just going to be awesome. Ahhh I knew it wasn't me!

[stranded247]

We got our school photo's back today, I hated mine, I always hate school photo's. I looked chubby and like some sort of waitress.

It made me feel depressed about my thyroid. The fact that for the past two years I have been overweight and everyone has assumed its because I ate too much and had no self-control. It took away my confidence, I stopped being the happy popular girl, boys stopped liking me, I stopped liking me. And according to my mother low thyrotoxin stunts your growth which explains why I havn't grown since gaining all this weight at puberty.

I cried and told my mother how much I hated our genes and how I hated my grandmother for rejecting me because I became overweight. She said that out of the blue my grandmother had said she loved me more than ever, more than she loved me when I was the pretty little five year old girl picking flowers for her.My mother told me my grandmother started crying on the phone because she was worried about me. She said she wasn't herself at her sisters funeral and she felt she was cold to me. It was ironic that on the way home today I was thinking just how judgemental and unloving she was. How she no longer liked me because I wasn't the pretty little girl who believed ever word she said. I realized for the first time that my grandmother had basically rejected me. Because I couldn't live up to her expectations. My grandmother comes from a generation where people were uptight emotionally and had high standards and expectations. Anything that my grandmother doesn't feel is "correct" or isn't "how things should be" is either brushed under the carpet or she will create a huge fuss about trivial things. "That was not how things were in my day" or "It is most unsuitable". I think this is why I've never understood my grandmother, she is such a distant woman and she hasn't ever taken time to get to know me since I was five.

Well I am looking forward to getting my medication as I will go back to my old slender self and I will probably grow a few inches. My mother insists I will bloom like a swan, i hope so. I guess i'll just have to wait and see.

[stranded247]

Ahhh its been yet another nice weekend. Went fencing, there was this really sweet boy there, his name is dan he's two years younger than me but he was really nice to me. I was telling him how I go to school near a whole bunch of plastic surgeons and then i said it would be useful incase i got really ugly when i'm older and he was just like "i highly doubt that will happen to you". I mean its not a huge compliment or anything but sometimes its soooo nice to receive small compliments like that, shame about his age haha. And then went out with chloe for dinner at this really nice restaurant. We just talked I ranted away about my low thyroid, i love telling people how its not actually been my fault but everything has been a result of my thyroid. My mum said that cos i'm moving to a co-ed school next year with guys and now i'm gonna loose a whole lot of weight i cant be distracted because my mum say's with the weight gone i shall get a lot of male attention, which is actually really nice. Would like a boyfriend in the near future, but study comes first. Anyway everyone says because i've been doing so much exercise i'm looking pretty toned, my mum is gonna buy me clarins cream so that when all this weight drops off i wont get those ugly stretch marks. This week should be good, i'm gonna be seeing my cousins and meeting my cousin's new girlfriend, i love to see what their girlfriends are like and if he'll marry her haha. If he does get married I might end up as a bridesmaid or something. And then i'm seeing leila's parents and her brother who apparently has gotten good looking. Life is good so far but i'm worried about my mock GCSE exams coming up. I really need to study so I can get 'em shiny A's. Anyhow on that note I shall go and do my work. That is all for now in the life of a teenage nobody.

[stranded247]

weed, nightclubs and fake id's.

Never smoked weed, might try it might not but its honestly something I think is lame but i might try it to see what the hype is all about, doubt i'll like it.

Nightclubs, been to some really crap ones where they dont ask for id, had very little fun and everyone got wasted apart from me

It is virtually impossible to get a good fake id!! ahhhhh, i just dont have the right contacts.

Conclusion: Wont bother till I'm older I guess, i'll just stick with em nice and dandy house parties where I might get the oppertunity to smoke a joint and clubbing can wait.

[stranded247]

Ahh so I have been to the thyroid doctor and I am now on medication. Well today is the first day. The appointment was so embarrassing, i had to strip to my underwear, I wasn't even allowed to wear a bra, i could have died, he was male too. But it could have been worse I guess. Now I have my medication which is the main thing so all things will become a lot better. I saw a really sweet film called "when did you last see your father?" it was very typically english, I saw it with my mum as and on our way we bumped into pedro so I introduced him to my mum. My mum thought he was really good-looking, I think he is good looking but he is soo preppy and "mr perfect", he has no edgyness to him and he is so self assured, I prefer people who are not so perfect and have more vunerability and edge to them. Anyway my cousins are coming over tonight, I get to meet Nick's new girlfriend, should be interesting. Anyway all is going well.

[stranded247]

Last night was great, nick's girlfriend is really pretty nice and clever, I think it will go somewhere which is great. I loved my cousins gay boyfriend he was so camp but so funny and intelligent the sort of guy who would be a great gay best friend as the cliche goes. We all told stories about our family history and it turns out its pretty dramatic. During the second world war in hungary which is where i am from my grandfather has a cousin who was so beautiful even though her parents were both hideous. Apparently she was very spoilt and a huge * * * * * who used to sleep with nazi's. She got involved with a Nazi officer who she wanted to marry but he was already married so she threw herself of a bridge. And apparently her mother, when told of her daughters suicide, looked up and then continued to read her novel as if nothing had happened. It was a huge scandal in the newspapers at the time and my family were not allowed to mention it. I wish my current family life was as dramatic as that. Anyway Leila' parents (my dead best friend) and her brother are coming round for dinner tonight which should be really nice, actually they are due here in about 10 minutes. And tomorrow I am dying my hair a flaxen/.goldish blonde colour and then hanging out with Pedro which should be great, cant wait!

[stranded247]

So last night was good, leila's brother is getting good looking, her parents seem better but there was quite a bit of tension I felt. I mean I enjoyed myself but generally speaking my dad couldn't stop talking about politics and I am a conservative but sometimes I think my father voices his opinions about politics too much. And leila's parents are New Labour supporters so you know, not always best to mention that sort of stuff. But generally it was a nice evening, I think its harder to discuss leila these days, I feel its insensitive to bring her up too much. I mean where does the line between insensitive and uncaring draw? So we mentioned her a little but not so much. I mean last year when Chloe had a bonfire party Leila's mum found it really upsetting because all Leila's school friends came and wouldn't stop talking about her. It was almost selfish. Sometimes people find it too painful to reminsense. And her mother cried because she said I reminded her so much of her daughter as we were so alike. Anyway on a happier note I died my hair blonde and I have to say I am soooo pleased. My mother and my hairdresser just said "now she's gone blonde she's never going to go back!". So I consider this the blonde era of my life haha. I feel a new haircut/haircolour is quite a statement, I'm no longer the old me. Pedro said it really suited me and he liked it, he said it did something to my face shape and eyes. I feel like the past two years of oppression are going now and dying my hair blonde is sort of symbolic of that. I may sound shallow/absolutly stupid but I feel lifted. I had such a nice time with Pedro today, it was great. We hung around town and caught up and then we went back to my house, he tried to teach me Boston-More than a feeling on the guitar and then he fixed my laptop and he bought me pizza. I finally revealed to him how my weight gain over the past two years had made me feel so insecure and how I was sooo glad that this weight gain was not my own fault and that I would loose weight on medication. He said I shouldn't get so hung up on it. He was so sweet he said: "You dont realise how blessed you were born, your clever, original, your cool, you have such knowledge on things! your interesting, your fine, your goodlooking!" It was sooo nice to hear him say that. He said to me that I wasn't that bad at all, he said he'd noticed but he said it was never that bad at all and that it was dramatised in my head. He also said i'd gotten thinner! woohoo! Its been such a while since a boy has told me i'm good looking. I know me and pedro once dated but I figured once I gained all the weight he'd written me off as ugly, I guess "men prefer blondes" eh? haha. I am tempted to post a picture of my new hair in my avator but then I get worried of being identified, I mean havn't changed many names in this, oh well, life is so great!!!!! I really feel the opression is going for GOOD! Suddenly the world is a beautiful place again haha.

[stranded247]

So all is going really well, I'm studying effectively and I really feel like I'm gonna do well in my exams. Today I met up with Chloe and we bumped into an old friend of mine, he's quite good looking these days. He invited us to a party this saturday so that shall be cool. And sunday we are going ice skating with pedro and his girlfriend who invited herself and also some other people maybe. My mum says I'm looking slimmer already on medication and that I shouldn't get low down if weight doesn't drop off instantly. Everyone loves my blonde hair so far. Chloe adored it and my friend who I bumped into today and we ended up haning out with also said he liked it. So its all going rather well!

tomorrow I'm going to Andrew's, Adam should be there and their friend Dan, who I havn't had the pleasure of meeting yet. Its nice to go out after I've been revising. I go a little crazy if I stay in all day and I do love male company haha. Life really is on the up these days. I swear looking at each entry I'm becoming more and more positive. Lets hope this keeps going eh?

[stranded247]

meh this weeks plans were rather screwed up :S. In the end my friend never called to invite me to the party, I'm guessing he went to the countryside instead or just never intended to call me. Then I couldn't be bothered to see andrew cos he lives to far away and I was tired so instead I just moped around liza's house. And I am going ice skating today with pedro and his girlfriend. But pedro was too lazy to invite many people and those he did invite were studying or working. So guess what...its just me pedro and his girlfriend...this should be interesting haha. Well I'll write about how it goes later.

God three is such a crowd especially when its a couple. I was thinking maybe I could become good friends with his girlfriend and be like the couple's best friend. Hmmm like in that really sad film "sophie's choice" with merrly streep (however u spell her name) where the american narrotor guy befriends sophie and her skitzofrenic husband and they are all best friends. But I've never been much of a threesome buddy. Plus that wont work when his girlfriend feels threatened by me. But who knows maybe she wants use to be the best of friends sooo its a merry threesome.

Anyway yesterday I was fencing again and that boy who said that I would never be ugly came and talked to me, were little fencing buddies now its great. Anyway bizarely it turns out he is nextdoor neighbors with this guy who I had a thing with but it never really went anywhere. Its soo strange cos I was thinking how he reminded me of him, I mean I know they have the same name "Daniel" but they are simular types of people. I wonder what Dan will say when my little fencing buddy asks about me. It was quite awkward telling the boy at fencing how I knew dan cos the truth is he added me on myspace and he knew like two aquaintances of mine and we got talking and then met up. Generally its never cool to meet people off the internet but hey...for me it worked and then if flopped. Anyway I shall update on my ice skating date with the lovers+me.

Au revoir to whoever cares to read.

[stranded247]

surprise surprise, we all got on fantastically! Well obviously me and pedro got on but me and his girlfriend hit off this time. She invited me back to her house for drinks and when I left she told Pedro she thought I was really sweet. I mean the ice skating bit was awkward cos I could tell she preffered it if pedro didn't hold my hand but of course she didn't say anything you could just tell. But seeing as I am so awful at ice skating I was too slow for them so they skated off hand in hand and then came every so often to pick me up and encourage me to go faster. I can skate perfectly well I am sure of that, my problem is that I get so scared of falling over that I'll be in mid skate and suddenly I'll get butterflies or freak out if some one gets too close and then i'll head for the side rails and I wont come back out to the middle. But anyway it went well. My studying is going good and I've lost a lil bit more weight. My dosage of thyroxin is too low to make a huge difference but next month my doctor will increase the dosage and I will begin to loose more weight. My mum reckons it i'll take maybe another three months for me to be totally slender like I used to be.

[stranded247]

Suddenly I feel so pressured. I visited my old school and all the teachers immeadiatly asked me about my predicted GCSE grades and I just spoke to my parents friends who said if I wanted oxbridge I can only have A*'s. I'm trying but I dont know if I can live up to this. I want so badly to be the best. To do well. Academic excellence is all I really care about at the moment. I mean secondly my old figure is restoring which is lovely. And social life is transparent. I dont want to be cool. I like being me and playing sport and seeing chloe and pedro. I'm not some party girl. Although I am going to one tomorrow. That is a rare occasion haha. I just want to get ahead. If I work I want to reap success. I'm getting doubtful. I looked at this sixthform college the other day. Its almost perfect! Ahhh I want to get in. But there is so much competition and all these immagrants who come into london have just as much as a right to getting into that college as me. Is that really fair? No but the english government as far as I'm concerned are pushover's. Anyway the more I think about the competition the more insecure I become. So I need to stop worrying about what everybody else thinks and stop thinking about competition otherwise I will work myself up into a nervous wreck and I wont succeed. When I come from such a priveleged background: failure is really not an option.

[stranded247]

Ahhh rather interesting weekend. I went fencing as usual, its quite funny my little friend seems to have developed a crush on me, I always catch him looking at me and he follows me around now, I find it rather sweet. However I wouldn't return the affection. Last night I went to Chloe's fireworks party. It was quite interesting. All the girls from my old school which was really tiny only 130 girls ages 5-16. My whole year group consisted of 12 girls. I cannot even begin to stress how much nasty tension and claustrophobia there was. And there still is as I saw last night. It was a sort of family and young people party not some sort of rave. But anyway all these girls are so sad, because they wern't at a rave where they could get totally pissed and they wern't at a school event where they would behave they just didn't know how to act. So all the "it girls" started stealing alcohol and trying to get drunk because without being drunk they were boring. I didn't really drink much. There were a few guys there and the most good looking guy to my surprise. Out of all those pretty girl came upto me and was like "mind if I join you?". So we got talking and he was really nice and flirtatcious and we were having a sort of one on one conversation. Then all of a sudden all these girls came and butted into our conversation and they all started flirting with him in a really slutty and tacky way. I realised I wasn't going to have him because they were all over him and so he was busy and I'm not cheap enough to be all flirty and stupid. I just dont know how to flirt and when i do I feel stupid and I just like to be friendly and be myself and if a guy doesn't like it he can take it or leave it!

Anyway all these girls already had boyfriends so it was kind of unfair, later everyone said he seemed to really fancy me. I havn't had someone fancy me in ages!!! I think this is down to two things: 1.dying my hair blonde 2. Discovering i have a thyroid problem and getting medication and now i'm loosing weight. The other night my mum's friend said to me, I know I saw you only two weeks ago but already you look lovely and slim, you look as if you've shed ten layers of fat, dont get too skinny. I was astounded cos I am not noticing that much weight loss. I've decided not to weigh myself so often. Obviously I shall continue to eat healthily and exercise my eight hours a week but I no longer see the need to obsess about my weight, I will just have check ups to check that I am not gaining weight. I am so annoyed that all those girls threw themselves at that guy. Ugh he was 17, I'm always having younger guys like me, and finally someone good looking and older than me shows interest and they act like a pack of jealous wild hyeenas. Anyway I am pretty happy, gotta call pedro now and ask him about this gig he's playing at. Its on a school night :S not so sure anymore hmmmm.

[stranded247]

Wow things are just going amazing! I swear these thyroxin pills are transforming me. Anyway last night I went to Pedro's gig at his school. My friend david offered to meet me before the concert started even though I said it would be cool if he could just meet me outside his school. He walked me from the tube. I forgot how gorgeous he is. I think he likes me. Here are my little signs. I know its stupid and pathetic but he's beautiful. Anyway the whole time at the concert he stood by my side even though he could have gone off and mingled with other girls. Three times he put his arms round me for example, i told him he once woke me up at 3am by texting me and then he put his arm round me as if to be like I'm sorry in a sort of joking way. Then when I told him I liked the same sort of cars he hugged me to his side. And when we were leaving he asked me how I was getting back and he wanted me to go with him and his friend. Also when he said bye to me, he was like: "lets not leave it so long to see eachother like last time" whilst hugging me. Also we as we were walking to his school several guys in his year yelled to him: "is that your girlfriend!", he didn't say no he just seemed embarrassed, god that was awkward! I was thinking, I wish! And he complimented my new haircut. And I caught him looking at me. I know I'm pathetic for doing this but he's just so nice and interesting. David introduced me to this other guy who kept on talking to me and tried to have one on one conversations with me. He was a nice I guess but I wasn't attracted to him. He was not bad looking at all but he just lacked substance and all he talked about was his band and he just went on about himself and he was boring. But he managed to get one of my friends to give him my msn address, hmmm. I just wanted him out the way so I could talk to david more. And david was just sort of standing on the outskirts waiting for him to finish talking. How ironic it would be if it turned out david didn't like me but the other guy did. That would drive me insane!! I mean he's a nice boy and I wish I could like him but I dont, I know all my friends are going to start asking me what I thought of him, shall be awkward. But wow I swear suddenly guys are actually interested in me! This is amazing! Stepped on the scales and I've now lost 9lbs. I'm not going to bother weighing myself so often. Everyone says I look a lot lighter than my actual weight. And the scales can be depressing and they lie. So I am going to do it as little as possible, only to check I'm not gaining weight but loosing weight.

I keep expecting things to crash down. I'm so used to things going well and then going badly again. But this time I know for sure now I'm on medication everything is going to get better and its an amazing feeling. I'm so happy, its like now I'm far more confident and people treat me so differently. My mum was smiling last night because she said its been ages since she's seen me so happy. My friends are kinder to me and guys like me!! Well I really wander whether it seems like david likes me, anyone care to give an opinion?

But anyway I am reading this amazing romantic gothic novel called Twilight which is an international bestseller, I am enthralled by this book, I love reading books that you just devour. Ahh la vie en rose.

[stranded247]

I've decided after recieving 12 out of 36 in my chemistry test and after studying four hours a day but being unable to recall anything I studied in my practise paper I am not an academic. There is no longer any point in pretending I'm ever going to be miss investment banker or an entreprenuer. Clearly all I was made to do was write. I'm not intelligent in your typical way. I am very hard worker and still I dont get results. This really points to one thing: I'm just awful at all of it. All I can do is write. My parents are journalists, my uncle's novels are bestsellers, infact the majority of my family are literary. I cant be bothered to pretend I can avoid the literary gene anymore. I've always been insistant that I dont want to be a writer and that its lonely, excruciating and sometimes very boring. But to be honest its all I'm good at. Maybe I will be poor because of it but all I can do is write. My parents have such high expectations of me. I dont know if I'm oxford material but if I am all I will bother studying is english. If not I'll look at St.Andrew's and Exeter. I really try but sometimes its not enough. Well maybe I will go back to being the pretty girl who is charming but rather stupid. Being pretty can get you by I suppose. I never liked being the clever chubby girl anyway. And now I'm not chubby so its sort of fitting.

[stranded247]

So this weekend is the weekend before the mocks. I was planning on revising tonight but I'm too tired so instead I shall get up tomorrow at 8am and do a two hour maths paper. Then I will go fencing and then me and pedro are going to have a relaxed night of watching a movie and then going out for dinner or vice versa. Sunday I will just study again because the exams start this monday. I think I will ask pedro what he thinks about david liking me, he is good friends with david and i've given him so much advice in the past about girls that I'm sure he'll be more than helpful he also said he'd go over my maths with me. I love that boy he can be a real annoyance sometimes but he's such a good friend and even though he's mr.popular he always makes an effort to set aside time for us to have our own little "catching up on the good old days" times.

I'm suspcious of everything going so well. I still feel like I'm the old me and I get really taken aback when people are nice to me. Like today a girl said to me that I looked really nice in my outfit even though all I wore was a navy v-neck sweater and a pleated skirt and some patent ballet pumps, I think its because I'm slim all of a sudden. And in english class this really popular girl turned to me and said "your funny". I imediatly felt I had to be modest and retorted with "thanks but not really" and then she replied that I was because my comments on the women in Orwell's 1984 being exactly like a butch woman from your local government council made her day and then another girl was like, yeah you're really witty. I just kind of sat there, me witty? hahaha no. My mum says I have to stop being the fat girl inside the slim girl. She's got a point. But wow I am still taken aback by these changes.

Life wise, I am constantly worried about my future. I've always thought everything would be alright but now I really feel now is the time to act and start making important decisions, only problem is I dont know how to make those decisions. I want a straight forward plan that is realistic. I know I'm only sixteen but I want an interesting life, I want to go places. I want anything but ordinary, I despise ordinary. I like unsual, interesting and original. If I dont have that I know I will despair for a long time. Obviously I dont expect to be rich straight from univercity but I just want adventure and to do something I'm really good at and I want to love life and know that I am following a meaningful path. If I cannot do that then I will feel hopeless. I cannot afford to make too many mistakes. I already feel I'm carving an unknown path for myself which is why I feel I need to do so well. I dont know why I'm explaining myself but it feels like I should explain to me. I need to do well in my mocks so I have to choice to get into the sixthform college of my choice. Why is modern life so exam orientated?! Its the stupidest and meaningless system and one day it will collapse and these grades will mean nothing because anyone can get an A*. Anyone can get good grades, except me haha. No be positive! Yes even me!

I've been listening to my father too much and taking all his "the world will change and its going to be tough" lectures to heart. I just wish I was good at maths and science but all I can do is hold a pen. Anyway Chloe is wellish, although I still get a little negative vibe from her. I wish that when I was feeling happy and secure she would harmonize with that. But that is of course, selfish.

[stranded247]

The mocks have started and I feel that so far I've done pretty well in my exams. History was slightly disappointing but I can up my grade on the sources paper anyway. Maths tomorrow ahhhh. I'm too tired to study now so I will either wake at 6.30 tomorrow and study like I did yesterday or do an hour later on.

But anyway hmmm well let me recount my weekend. Was good as usual, my little fencing friend is still his charming self. I met up with pedro and told him about david. He was really surprised and he said that David was pretty shy with girls. He said that even though they are very close friends there are two things that David doesn't like to talk about: his father leaving when he was three and girls. So pedro said from the sounds of it there was hope. He said I would have to make an effort to at least get to be good friends with david before I could do anything else. He said it sounded hopeful from what I'd told him and he thought there was a good chance but then again it could be platonic. So I've decided next time I go ice-skating with pedro and his girlfriend I'll invite david as thats letting him subtly know I've invited him out not pedro and its a small group, two girls and two boys. Its easier than me having to ask to meet up with him on our own. Well I think I will see how ice skating goes and then maybe if I think its better I will ask to meet up just the two of us, if I think its okay. And if he doesn't make an effort from there, well there is only so much I can do. I would like him to be just a good friend. He's interesting. After talking me and pedro went out to this party in a park. It was basically a buch of drunk teenagers all getting off with eachother. It just made me think how average most teenage boys and girls are. Hardly any of them had substance. Me and pedro didn't stay long cos it just wasn't our scence. I mean we bumped into some friends and it was nice to see them. What that party made me realize was that guys like david are so much more interesting, he's not into getting wasted and getting off with random girls. He's shy and sounds pretty conservative-that appeals to me. He texted me last night once I told him I got a new phone, he wished me good luck for my mocks. My hopes arn't high, I dont expect anything from this but I want to see if I can at least build a good friendship with him. Pedro makes him seem like such a challenge, which appeals to me even more. What a masochist I am.

Anyway I am feeling pretty positive. I'm getting my medication dose increased in the next two weeks.

Me and Chloe seem to be drifting. She never returns my calls. And I always feel second best with her. I wonder if we will stay friends forever-hmm. Well on the plus side I'm getting on really well with livy, this girl at school. She's really unusual but sooo intelligent and interesting. After our mocks me her and this other girl are just gonna have a little party at hers. I want to make closer friends at college if I am staying there. I'm try for the scolarship exam next week. I would love a scolarship. My teachers seemed very keen on getting me to take the test. I dont know why but I have a strange feeling I might be lucky. If I dont get it I wont be upset. It would just be nice to have. Some girls arn't taking the scolarship test just because they feel like it will be publicly humiliating if they dont get it and they cant face the rejection. I think thats stupid. Honestly, what is there to loose? Who cares if you dont get it, there will be others who were rejected. I'm looking forward to christmas.

Livy gave me the sequel to the twilight book. Its called New Moon.

I love these books so much, its funny how I find myself far more attracted to fictional characters in books than in movies. I guess only my mind produces the most beautiful people. I always seem to idolize fictional characters, simply because they dont disappoint your expectations like real people. And in the movies everyones image of that character is the same: its fixed. In a book that character is unique to your mind.

Oh and also I found out pedro isn't a virgin. I was a bit shocked but now I'm over it. I felt like a little girl and I expected for him to have changed. He told me he still feels like a virgin and he acted exactly the same: thank god sex didn't change him or make him supremly arrogant, I felt in no way was he superior to me. I think if I could I would want to loose my virginity at about 17-18. I feel like 16 is too young and in pedro's case 15 is just too young for me. But of course I'd do it with a long-termish boyfriend. Well there is none to speak of yet. But there is so much pressure at school to break your virginity. I swear everyone is having sex this year! All of a sudden girls consider our year to be frigid because there are only 10 girls out of 70 who have had sex. To me its not frigid! 15-16 is young! I'm no, "no sex before marriage" person but some girls are just such sluts. They all went as far to list every girl in our year and highlighted the girls who'd had sex, ticked the girls who has pulled and then asterixed the girls who had pulled more than one guy or gone futher than pulling. I was in the asterix section so I suppose that makes me cool. I havn't gone futher than kissing actually, just quite a lot of different guys. Anyway I thought they were just sad. Who cares?! Well actually I get really paranoid I'm gonna be a virgin at the age of 30. I sort of feel like i need to get rid of this virgin status. I mean I dont mean the act itself but I absolutely and utterly despise the word "virgin", it makes you sound like some little pure angel draped in white who would faint at the idea of sex. Anyway my logic is stupid and hormone fuelled. But I dont want to be the last virgin.

I had my first kiss at 13 which I think was kind of young now looking back. Maybe a little sluttish even. Oh well what can I do? I was a different person then.

[stranded247]

I feel awful.

I have some sort of violent vomitting thing going on.

Its not cool and its not sexy.

All my foreseeable plans just went down the drain.

I've been confined to my sick chamber and quarantined off from the world.

My mother is so sympathetic, she refuses to even bring me up a cup of camomile tea.

Ahhhh please let this crappy bug pass.

[stranded247]

Ahhh finally the bug has gone away. And now to make up for my two days of eating very little I've been ravenously hungry, to the extent that i've even eaten a bit of apple crumble. AHHHH! Three months without sugar, oh well occasional blips arn't going to make me fatter unless they become frequent. And anyway my dosage of thyroxin is getting increased soon, plus loads of people are saying how much slimmer I look. Several people even called me slim it was like

So yesterday I skipped fencing, physical activity is apparently not a good idea if your feeling rough. Instead I went for coffee with chloe. I basically did nothing this weekend apart from watching movies and seeing chloe. It was really nice to see her though, I bought a cute alice band and this bracelet. They are both in black. I wear too much black although I'm not the slightest bit gothy. I'm just a dark child.

I have my russian oral tomorrow. I'm gonna start revising at 5-7pm today and then I'll just get up at half 6 tomorrow and do some more revision and then leave the house at 9. I always freak out about russian. Its such a difficult language. If you dont study for it, it shows. Its not like french where you can get away with not studying and still sound alright and maybe even get an A. In russian you have to know all the conjugations and everything has to agree with everything. Ahh enough russian for now.

I'm tired. That bug really drained me. Next weekend after the mocks, livy's invited me to go to some club/bar and get intoxicated. I hate drinking, not because i'm frigid just because I hate the hungover feeling and not only that but when your the sober person whilst everyone else is drunk, it makes you realize how stupid everyone seems. So i told liv I can't drink on medication. She got really specific and was like well what can and can't you have? Are you sure? etc.

I'm not lying, binge drinking is the worst thing for me at the moment. I'm gonna have like one drink and sip it slowly so it looks like I'm always drinking. Were going with the seniors, she's friends with girls in year 13, I feel kind of awkward hanging out with them plus I dont know them at all. I know livy and I know bathy but the rest are all strangers. It's cool I'm up for meeting new people I just find it strange that year 13's wouldn't mind us tagging along. And then the next night she's having some sort of "house warming thing". I don't like spending too much time with the same people. I'm gonna leave the bar thing earlyish and go back home instead of going to livy's. At least I can use sunday to see some of my friends outta school.

[stranded247]

Hmmm I'm just wondering is BMI really that accurate? For example I know a girl who is slender and athletic but she is not skinny at all yet BMI catergorises her are underweight-thats clearly not the case. Then I know a woman who weighs a lot more than anyone could guess and she is technically overweight but she doesn't appear to have much body fat. Then take me I work out about eight hours a week and I eat pretty well most of the time, people would call me a slim to medium build yet i weigh a lot more than anyone could guess. Most people think I weigh about 115 lbs at 5ft 2. I thought I did until I stepped on the scales lol. But my BMI says I am a little over weight, I do have quite a bit of muscle too so this could contribute. Also my thyroid problem too.

And it says my brother is anorexic because his BMI is 16, clearly he's thin but you should see him eat, he doesn't stop. So I have come to the conclusion that BMI is just really stupid in many ways. I mean it classes most athletes as obese. That is my rant for the day, BMI annoys me.

But also my mocks are almost over yay! Oh and I'm trying for the scolarship at my college. If I get it I will stay there but if I dont I will really consider moving away to the state sector. Except my mum thinks it may be a problem because even in private school people classify me as the poshest girl in our year so she thinks people will laugh when I go to the state sector. I really dont think thats going to be a problem and if it is well then they can go **** themselves, it doesn't bother me.

[stranded247]

Hallejuliah!!! The mocks are finished!!!

I'm about to go out now and celebrate with livy and her crowd and the sixth former guys. I'm actually strangely looking forward to it now-how bizarre.

I did the scolarship exam today, I opened the paper only to see the first question was: What makes you so special? What would you contribute to the sixth form? Why should we give you a scolarship?

The tone was almost mocking, I love those sorts of questions usually I have a thousand things to say. But I had to really think for 10 minutes or so until my answer came, from there it was easy. I mentioned how I take an interest in my subjects out of school, doing french exchanges, working in an investment bank, reading avidly, watching foreign films, doing extra curriculars. Then I said how I am not an overall achiever however A Level will allow me to specialise in my strengths and I believed it would be the foundation for me to prove myself academically. And so on. Then the next question was a choice of political questions. I chose why I thought David Cameron would be a better prime minister than Gordon Brown. Those two questions were so up my street. I had the perfect answers, it was like yay! I get a chance to express myself.

Anyway I think I have to go out soon. So I will go, shall update on how the evening went sometimes soon.

Au revoir.