the ravings of a teenage nobody

[stranded247]

Urgh I'm stuck on what to get adam for a present, its his birthday party on saturday, I'm trying to find some cool gadget shop I can go to. I hate this time of year, I know my posts are probably becoming more and more negative these days, I'm so bi-polar with my moods, not that I am bi-polar at all but one minute my life is perfect the next I'm dark and moody.

Actually socially my life is going quite well but I'm so perverse, I'm always trying to sabotage myself. Now that I actually have a lot to lose its scary, like I find myself trying to make me fat or being really insecure and I just want to kick me. Its like there are two versions of me. The first one is the determined and driven me who wants to be good and always does her work on time, eats a perfect diet, is nice to her friends and generally tries to be a good person but then the second person is lazy and greedy, judgemental and overtly critical of all her friends and tries to sabotage anything person one does. Its like a constant battle, I know I must sound nuts but thats what I feel at the moment. Usually just person one exists but with a few faults as usual but at this time of year I always feel * * * * and person two seems to manifest.

Anyway livy got back from this tony robinsons seminar where she lied to get into, you have to be 18. It sounded like the biggest load of hippy crap in my life. She talked about hugging random people and lying on the floor, I'm sorry but what a walking cliche! Its like she actually wants people to think of her as some sort of socialist hippy who's constantly stoned. And then she comes into school and lectures me about the healthy lifestyle and how we dont need to eat protein and its all a bloody myth. I'm sorry but one minute she's drinking absynthe and smoking fags and then next minute she's swallowing this hippy crap and claiming she's cutting out dairy whilst eating a bio-yogurt (literally). And then I go "livy you said u were cutting out dairy, why are u eating that yougurt then?" and she's all like: "Oh give me a break, i've got to start slowly", pfft I will give this four days.

I know I should be nicer but literally its a joke. Whats even weirder is that last week she was complaining about being moody because she had her period and then this week she was using it as an excuse and I just realised that for the past three weeks she's been saying she has her period. What the hell?! Either she's abnormal and the river nile flows out of her or she's a bloody liar, i'm inclined to believe the latter. Bathy was getting really annoyed with her ranting on about hippy philosophies and talking about getting it on with this 27 year old guy, she told him she was 18. How can you like guys so much older than you?!

God that was the biggest mouthing off I've done in a while but at least I'm writing this in a somewhat anonymous journal and not slagging her off to girls in my school.

Anyway I cant wait to find out where I've got in so I can finally leave my school, I've calculated that I have about 6-7 actual weeks left of my school and then I will only come in for exams, my last exam is the 16th of June and then I'm going to go insane! I'm already picturing the "Satisfaction"-The Rolling Stones playing as I strut out of college all carefree with no books and say goodbye to that hellhole. I dont think I will stay in touch with many of them. In fact I will probably loose contact with all of them and to be honest it doesn't bother me, I CANT WAIT!!

[stranded247]

Its 1am here and I cant get to sleep so I thought I'd journal. This week has been ordinary except I got a letter in the mail from my first choice of sixth form asking me back for an interview which is brilliant!!! I am adament on getting into this college! Oh and this evening I went to adam's party, my mum got lost on the way and we ended up driving around in circles heading towards the countryside to get to his place. Luckily it didn't matter too much. I bought adam's the soundtrack to the movie JUNO seeing as he really liked it and then this hilarious book called 101 things to do before you die and its like a checklist of these crazy things like "win big at vegas" or "try a karma sutra position" and it give you step by steps on how to accomplish it. Adam seemed to like it. We all went in a flash white limo around london which was a bit embarrassing but fun because I've never been in a limo, and then we headed onto this amazing chinese restaurant, I didn't eat much but of what I did, I enjoyed it. It was a good night, spent most of the time chatting to dave in the limo, he told me I was a good friend to him and he did all the usual "only for you" stuff. I caught him looking at me accross the table several times, he told me that next time I should just come to his house first, he was like "call me when ur in the area" and he offered to give me a lift back so his mum dropped me at the station. His mum's quite pretty, she's fully indian wheras dave is half indian and half irish. Went with pedro too, he seems a little more distant, it feels like we dont have as much to say to eachother as we used to but I reckon we just need to catch up alone for a day.

Also I've decided as of tomorrow for the next month I am cutting out sugar, dairy and wheat from my diet so I can finally get rid of all the thyroid weight. Winter is almost over now so there is no excuse and the sooner I rid of it the more happier and confident I will feel. I might as well get rid of my bad eating habits now anyway and I felt so amazing when I wasn't eating sugar or any crap, it was impossible to feel depressed basically. If I stick to this accordingly which is also only eating three meals a day and no snacking and relatively small portions of very healthy food the weight will fall off, within a month I will be on the thin side. I finally feel motivated and excited, I cant wait to start and I know I can do this! It will be a little more difficult what with going out with friends but if I have to order something from a pizza joint once a week I will just eat a very small amount or try to order the healthiest thing there. Even after one week the difference will be noticeable, I did this health regime before but I had a low thyroid and I didn't know so I didn't lose much weight but I felt really good on it. Its not a diet because after a month I will continue to eat like this but I will not have to be so strict. Its just a way of life, christmas threw me off track and I havn't really gotten on track again which is a bit lame and a sad excuse but oh well I'm gonna do something about it. Anyway I'm finally sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed, gotta get up tomorrow to prepare my mum's present for mothers day.

[stranded247]

I feel happy and good, eating no sugar wheat or dairy actually makes me feel amazing. Yum its been a day and I'm already loving this. Eating slowly really helps, I'm so full from eating little.

Also spoke to chloe, its her birthday tomorrow, she seems really fed up of constantly getting wasted and going to parties all the time. But on friday we are going to have a proper catch up session-just the two of us =]. I know we both have our own social lives and we arn't as close but I sometimes miss it. Livy's just too much of a crazy hippy even though she's uber cool.

[stranded247]

I made £15 from babysitting today. I've finally mastered getting A's in my english practice exams (although I did get a D in a physics homework but thats not because I'm dumb its because I was lazy and copied off kate). Also I've lost two lbs on this uber health no sugar thing already, went to the thyroid doctor and he said there is a possibility of me becoming hyperthyroid now as opposed to hypo. I'm still on 50mg of levothyroxin though which is annoying, I'll have to wait till summer for them to increase my dosage. Also Chloe's being a giant flake and hasn't bothered to call me once this week about tomorrow and I've called her several times this week and no one has answered and I texted her about friday, she promised we would do something and now she hasn't bothered to call me, I really resent that, I might tell her that, instead of just keeping it to myself and fusing over it. I was really looking forward to seeing her. It just makes me feel like i'm really low on her priorities and I wanted to give her a birthday present and everything. Anyway things are good on other fronts, ben is being really nice to me and sweet. And David is always talking to me so i'm feeling pretty good .

[stranded247]

I'm really annoyed, I spent yesterday with no social plans so I just saw the other boleyn girl with my madre which was actually really good if you like those sort of films. And then ben tells me on msn that dave is going away and so cant come, patrick is broke and adam is ill and so may or may not come. Ben told me that apparently Adam doesn't want to go because he thinks we are a "couple" and should go out. He said in the photo's from his party I was clearly "leaning in on ben". Well ben had his arm around me anyway and I lean in on all photo's. Anyway trust Adam to make things embarrassing. Mr.bloody analytical. So ben said if Adam can't make it we will postphone and at this rate I believe I will end up alone tonight watching heroes. I would call chloe and see what she's doing but after she hasn't returned my calls I'm feeling too proud to call her when she is ignoring me. I've been invited to get drunk at bathy's but that does not appeal to me at all. Plus it will just be mostly girls from my school and livy was drunk dialling me last night and whining so i dont want to be around sad and emotional drunks let alone drunks.

But I always got the impression ben liked me and i've sort of used that as a confidence boost a bit. Livy thought he adored me but if ben actually like me would he have so openly been like: "Adam wants us to be together, he thinks we're cute as a couple, but dont worry its just his fantasy".

Je ne sais pas but its awkward! Plus I like David, not Ben. Just no, its just not right urgh. No one except Pedro knows though. Oh god this is so bloody typical. So yeah happy saturday for me, and i've got my interview in an hour or so and I so don't feel positive or perky. Need to change my mood.

[stranded247]

I spent the weekend as I predicted, alone in my room, me and ben decided not to meet up alone because adam would have had a field day. Well I wanted to but with those implications it was a bit more awkward. Anyway I got invited to a party nick was having but it was 9.30pm and ben wasn't allowed to go and my dad wouldn't let me go out at that time for some weird reason unless ben accompanied me but his parents were being strict too. So we just had one massive msn conversation. Its getting slightly worrying because we've become a lot closer over the past two weeks and we're always talking, I need to stop flirting back because I don't want to lead him on. But he's so complementry to me, its such an ego boost! And he's nice and I guess he's nice looking too but hmm. Also adam showed me the picture of us where we look like a couple and I have to say, its frightening, in a whole group we are leaning apart from everyone and leaning into eachother and we completely look like we are a couple, its so strange. And we actually look good together which is even scarier.

 

Anyway I've lost a grand total of 3lbs so phew! Now I just need to keep going. Also my interview at that sixthform college went brilliantly. The woman showed me my predicted grades and they are all A's and I have two A*'s. I mean they are predicting me an A in even maths!! And the woman who was interviewing me said: "you appear to be very multi-talented, you make a very good first impression". So I don't think it would be wrong to say that I might just have had a very very promising interview. I want to go to this college so badly, its sooo near me, I won't have to treck into central london everyday like I do now and its got 450 students in a year, its mixed so it will be easier to avoid cattyness and I can just become good friends with guys, its one of the highest achieving state school ruled by a conservative council rather than those stupid labour councils and it has amazing facilities, they have proms and they have a school ski trip and it looks like such a nice sixthform college. So I am adament on getting in there, in my minds eye, I am already there, I have already been accepted, I am going there one way or another. The idea of them rejecting me just isn't happening but I'm not gonna think about it too much. I've gotta work like crazy over easter to get these predicted GCSE grades, its quite scary. I would type some more but heroes is calling me. Its actually the best tv show ever invented. I wish I could regenerate and read people's minds, I'd like peter's powers actually.

[stranded247]

Easter break is here. I broke up yesterday and went to wagamamma's with Kate and some others in my year, it was actually really nice and then me and Kate went stationary shopping in selfridges in preparation for this hellish holiday that will consist soley of studying. I feel guilty I made a timetable and told myself I would start studying today, I have three weeks exactly we go back on the 7th April I think. My dad said I should give myself the weekend off but I feel like GCSE's are too serious for me to take an actual break. I think I will do a couple of hours today but not as many as five hours. I've timetabled it all so that I start studying at 9am and finish by about 2pm with a lunch break in between. I've gotta buy a new desk as well cos i was doing some work the other day and it just collapsed in my hands.

But yeah yesterday was nice, Kate is such a nice girl and she's a lot more light hearted and upbeat than livy so its nice to have both of them as friends. She leant me season one of heroes and I'm actually hooked, I'm hoping sometime in the near future I'm going to discover that I have some sort of wonderful power wow that would be cool. I've also got to take up running, I used to run everyday after school when I was about 14 cos we never got much work and I was really worried about my weight. The one thing I remember about it was that it wasn't very enjoyable but it was an excellent stress release and not only that but it sped up my metabolism and I always felt amazing after going for a run. Although after about two months of it I got really muscled legs, my legs are actually really muscled still cos of all the walking and fencing I do but back then I wasn't that into sports so it was a very noticeable change. And after a while I got sharp pains up my legs and my muscles were not very long or lean but more short and bunched up. I get a better result with things like pilates but pilates is so god damn boring!

Anyway I will take up running for this easter just to relieve stress I think. I've lost 4lbs in two weeks which is quite nice, I need to keep this up. I also now fit very nicely into my black skinny jeans. I'm meant to be seeing Chloe today after she finishes school and tomorrow I'm seeing the gang to arrange going to Paris after GCSE's which should be awesome. Will be nice to see David At this point I don't really care too much about what happens romantically, I just really like having them as friends and Pedro's always going on about how having a girlfriend or boyfriend is practically the only way you can be happy but he's just so bloody smug! I'm happy right now thanks, I don't want to be tied down in some serious relationship when I'm only 16 for christ sake! Pedro annoy's me at the moment I havn't met up with him alone since last year which was a long time ago. Dont feel that close to him and I notice everytime we hang out in a group if his girlfriend is not there he just hangs out with dave and talks to him the whole time and its like argh I like dave! lol selfish I know but Pedro knows I like dave. Anyway I should stop soon give myself another hour off then revison must start.

[stranded247]

Weekend: spent fencing, won three matches and drew twice which was lovely, I'm not too bad these days Then I saw Dave, Adam and Ben. We went for pizza and talked about Paris well we tried to. And we saw the worst movie ever, vantage point, advice to anyone who is going to bother going to see this movie DONT its crap and far tooo repeptitive. Anyway the whole Paris situation after GCSE's seems like its getting a little complicated. Adam is set on going to disneyland being the big kid he is, ben wants to do that too and I think patrick and a few others do also. Me I'm neutral, disneyland seems really quite childish to me but I'm willing to compromise plus I'm one of those people who believe its not where you are but who you're with. I think we could stay in a disneyland hotel but those of us who really want to spend the day there can and then the those of us who dont can go around paris and then we all meet at night to out for dinner and to a club. Pedro is being sooo uncompromising, he's meeting up with Dave alone trying to arrange their own plan and then were all going to compare plans. Adams insisted that I join his team. I dont really want to go to disneyland but I'm willing to compromise and spend half the time there and half the time doing what I want to do. Pedro doesn't even understand the word compromise, its all about what he bloody wants. He's just like: "look yeah (in his stupid I'm a rich kid but i'm trying to be cool and common accent) this disneyland crap sounds like its gonna be about as much fun as adam is, and he's bringing all his friends and I dont like it, at this rate I'll go on holiday on my own". So I just replied: "okay sure go on your own, whatever". And then he's all "Don't be angry Penelope, I love you like a sis".

Argh he infuriates me, he's soooo arrogant and he thinks he can control everything and he hates the idea that dave might possibly like me. He's just so possesive but I misss him I havn't seen him properly in ages I wish he would just make more of an effort to see me as I've made an effort for him and he's just cancelled. Urgh, anyway I've taken up jogging again, it hurts my knees a little but the difference is already noticeable and I'm gaining muscle and loosing fat.

[stranded247]

I got into my first choice of sixth form!!! There were 500 applicants and only 80 places. And they've offered a place to me early, they told my friend it would be a month until she heard from them, its been two weeks and I already have a place EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I can't wait this is the coolest state school.

They have a "prom", wow thats sooo american lol.

They have a school ski trip.

They have almost 2000 pupils which is practically tripple the size of my school.

Its mixed not single sex.

They are one of the highest achieving state schools in London.

Its really near my house so no more hour long journeys to central london.

They have college hours so I don't have to go into college every day, can study at home.

They have amazing sport facilities.

WOW i'm excited.

Oh wow...i can't wait, I have to go for an induction week at the end of June. To meet everyone and my new teachers and talk to my subject teachers. I wonder if any of the girls I know that applied got in...I hope sadie didn't. She's hell.

[bobsiesprincess]

wow congrats missy, thats great news! you should be proud of yourself!

[stranded247]

wow congrats missy, thats great news! you should be proud of yourself!

 

Hehe thanks i'm really glad, I can't wait! Good luck with your dissertation! I'm sure u will get it all done and get an awesome grade or points (cant remember what they use for these univercity things).

[stranded247]

Tuesday November 21st 2006

I am a teenage nobody. I’m pretty much a loner who just watches everything around me, well that is in school. I’m pretty new to this whole being a loner thing, its not what I want but it feels like subsequently I have no choice people almost put me there. I mean how do you deal with it? Do you embrace your lonerness and hang out in the library? Do spend lunch break texting/ or pretending to text my supposedly “cool friends out of school”.

 

I am just having the crappiest lunch break, no matter how hard I try to avoid talking to anyone to avoid being put down and insulted they do it anyway. We have this rule in my class set by my overly hygienic form teacher who insists that no one eat in the classroom. So bugger for me, I have to brave the cafeteria and sit on my own, I have too much pride so I meekly huddle up to some girls I used to be friends with and sheepishly sit with them even though I think they are all boring and shallow and all they do is * * * * * about people. So this lunch break I got down to the cafeteria got some soup in a cup and ran up to class. Usually three other girls eat there so I don’t feel like such a looser because there are other people in the room even though I just sit by myself. So this short ginger chubby girl who is loud and nerdy and sadly lives very near me, scowls at me and says “CAN YOU PLEASE NOT EAT IN HERE!” So giving her my best trying to be cool rolled eyes look I say “why do you always ask that, why do you even care?”.

 

She nerdishly laughs and go’s “Its soooo funny saying it to you”. I want to kill her!!!!!!!!! But instead I say nothing. And then quickly trying to finish my food before anyone else discovers what a loner I am, this girl who I used to be friends with but put me down sooo much that I preferred not to have any friends walks in and goes, ” God!!! eating by yourself” with inflected disgust. I stupidly mumble something about having to go to the maths department and not having enough time to sit downstairs. I mean maybe I am really oversensitive. But like coming back the other day after being away for several days at my grandpa’s funeral which was in France, no one even bothers to ask me where I was. And every morning I walk into school and no one ever says hi. No one. I hate it. I was thinking of asking my mum to be home-schooled but then I realised that was no way possible because she works all the time. I have to stay here for another year and a half and I have not one friend. I’m going insane. When I’m out of school I’m sooooo much happier I become a different person. Its like I cant even be myself. Everyone has labelled me a nerd. When I first came to this posh private snobby school I was determined to prove that I was clever. And I did, it was easy mainly because the girls here are so vacuous that I easily seem like einstien because I am able to make conversation that goes beyond ghd straighteners and boys. Not that I dont like talking about those things, just that I am able to go into more depth lol. I wanted to seem clever because at my old school which was also a private school but not half as expensive and not as snobby I was popular and had a lot of friends but there were only about 150 girls at the school, they all thought I was a bimbo. Now at my current school they think that I couldn’t possibly have a life or know boys or go to parties. And the look on their faces is hilarious when they do bump into me at a party and its like “why is she here?!”.

 

They just dont know me at all!! And what infuriates me is that they just dont let me be myself and prove that I can be clever nice and have a social life too. They just stereotype me and then put me in the cupboard not allowing me to leave. I hate teenage girls, I’ve never gotten on with the female sex in general. I just dont get them…

I feel I have to justify my being a loner. Its not like I haven’t made an effort wit these girls its just that when I have been friends with them. Its been very one sided. I’ve been majorly critisized about the way I look how I speak, and in general betrayed. My confidence is too damaged to try and make friends with the girls in the other classes who seem nice-ish. And I do have friends out of this cruddy school but they are not here to keep me sane, I hate this hellhole!!! tomorrow we have science gsce modules, just great. I’ve revised my ass off. Three and a half weeks until the holidays, I’ll just have to hold on until then .

 

Wednesday November 22nd 2006

I just did my science gcse modules, they sucked. I didn’t eat at all this morning so I couldn’t concentrate, the grade boundaries are soooo high 72% is a B 50% is a D?! or something like that. I revised but I think it all went out the window cos I just couldn’t concentrate. I’m utterly depressed, I dont want to eat I dont want to think. I DONT WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL!!! I just want to sleep forever. I got home last night and I just cried my eyes out. I called up my friend Chloe to tell her how bad everything is and how I miss my dead best friend Leila soooo much. Although I felt worse after speaking to her. I dont know why though but I just did.

 

Thursday November 23rd 2006

’ve been trying to forget my lonerlyness by watching amasing movies like “Some Like It Hot” and I just watched the graduate now. All these american films make me realise how I hate england, I used to love living in London but now that I’m not so popular and not sooo happy the depression just seeps in. Strangest thing has just happened to my lonerly self. This guy David who is a friend of my best guy friend Pedro just asked me randomly over msn if i’d like to hang out with him and his friend on saturday evening while they sell tickets to kids at a school disco. I mean I’ve met the guy a couple of times and he always says hey to me when i sign online to msn which i’ve always thought was kind of nice. But on the other hand he barely knows me?? So I said yes, gave him my number but he said me and a friend so now I’m thinking oh * * * * are they gonna just leave me out. Well if they do I can just leave I guess. I always tell myself never miss a social oppertunity no matter how awkward it could be. I’m not even sure that I can remember too much what he looks like uh oh lol. I do remember him being quite good looking.

Oh well I am gonna try not to have any expectations.

 

Friday 16th February 2007

God I havn’t really bothered to keep up this whole teenage nobody thing. My life has changed so much since then! Its incredible. Okay-I am still a looser at school but apart from that all is good. Looking back on my last blogs I seem so depressed its like jesus! Now I’m all happy. I’ve made a lot new friends over and I have this one guy who is quite interested in me …got a little valentines text from him and all, okay i think valentines day is soooooooooo cheesy but it is nice to be aknowledged anyway ha ha. I’ve become such a different person its crazy! My outlook on everything is sooo darn positive these days compared to what it used to be. Well let me list whats changed, i started doing a lot of sport, i fence-joined a club and all with the white suits and all! so yeah i’m sporty these days, my body just got hawt! lol, made new friends-gotten closer to old ones, my confidence has shot up loads, money keeps falling into my pockets, my weekends are always full, i have this really awesome guy pursuing me are looking good on that front! And overall I’ve realised something, I can have whatever I want if i really want it. Life does not have to be depressing! I mean look over the past three months my life has gotten pretty darn awesome! I mean I’m not some popular blonde with a huge social life but things are really good for me. I like my situation, it how i want it to be! I’ve also stopped trying to fit in with those oh so shallow druggy and supposedly cool kids. I used to care so much what they thought but then I realised why care about what someone thinks when they have a low opinion of you and dont even care. I stopped trying to fit in with them because I realised they are all fake, not cool, not even interesting! Just a bunch of brainless druggies-i’d rather not know. So I’ve met people who are interesting and cool and dont take drugs and are nice-I just feel like its all in your head. I’ll explain so that statement doesn’t sound too weird ha! Basically i think that you can have all the goodstuff, no matter who you are, what your situation-its irrelivant! If you just believe in yourself and have confidence and strive to succeed in getting what you want you can have it. I am seriously soooooooooo different from what I used to be and everyone is noticing it! Life is awesome!!!!! I should be seeing that guy i like tomorrow too. so alls good! Like they say “life is what you make it”

I just discovered all of this right now, got an email in my inbox from eblogs saying I had spam comments on these posts so I just decided to read them. They say you can't remember what pain and sadness feels like, but reading those posts make me really sad. I was so unhappy. Last year was probably the unhappiest year of my life. I mean the last post in that blog was cheerful. But I ruined all that, I was not eating then which was why i was thin and when I began to eat I got really chubby and i had undiagnosed hypothyroidism then. The guy who was pursuing me at the time just gave up on me because he was too shy and I was too shy and now has a beautiful girlfriend who wasn't too shy to tell him she liked him.

Oh and that was the first night I became friendly with dave, actually I remember that night I decided I really liked dave to the extent it made me loose my appetite. Then I realised I was getting thinner so I thrived on that feeling of infatuation to stop myself from eating. It makes me really sad reading those posts.

[stranded247]

Studying is not going as good as it should be, I pretty much burnt myself out for the mocks argghhh. I've gotta be more productive than I am at the moment. Adam told me a good way of studying. I'm gonna follow his method, he's the one who gets A*'s, he must be doing something right. Anyway he's coming over today and were gonna try and arrange paris and possibly see the film the orphanage with dave and pedro.

I may have a little nap before I start my studying. I had my interview for another sixthform college, I didn't see the point in going, I've already gotten in somewhere and I dont wanna go to that college. But oh well. Studying give me the munchies so badly, I don't know what it is. For my mocks I ran it like a military operation, waking at 8am every morning starting study at 9am. Doing 40 minute sessions and then setting my alarm for a twenty minute break. I would do four of those sessions. Then stop for lunch and then do some more. God how organized I was. But i've decided getting up early is a bad idea, I need my sleep, maybe the studying will take up more of my day if I start later but what would I do anyway?!

[stranded247]

I've almost covered the whole of biology in two hours thanks to adam's advice, seriously works well. I'm gonna finish it and then do some ruski yusik as they call it, well russian. We saw the orphanage last night, that is an AMAZING FILM, it was very chilling and so depressing as well. Walking home in the dark last night at midnight was really scary after watching that. All of us loved that film. We discussed Paris with dave and pedro and they wanna go to the lake district instead for a week rather than paris and disney land for three days. I gotta say I kinda agree, firstly it would be cheaper, secondly we could stay for a week have general jokes in a nice cottage bonding and such lol, thirdly its easier to arrange and I think it would be more fun, we're kinda too old for disneyland but adam is a big kid. He seemed really upset cos the whole thing was his idea. We really need to arrange things and come to final plans otherwise NOTHING will actually happen. But the lake district would be so much easier and we could go swimming and do things like bike rides which would be cool as well as getting nicely drunk after GCSE's, gawd i'm worried. On that note I'm gonna go and revise. If I don't give it my all i'm doing myself no justice whatsoever i've done all this work for the past two years so I've gotta just sprint the last couple of miles and then I can fall back and reeelllaaaaxxx.

[stranded247]

Last night I went out with chloe, we went to the pub and caught up, it was one of those pubs that didn't ask for ID, its better going with more people but it was really nice for us to just be alone cos when we see eachother these days it always with other people. We did the funniest thing, chloe is basically a totally bohemian hippy at heart, she tries to hide it by dressing in a very sloany fashion but the hippy is still there lol. I remember as soon as she hit puberty she immediately started dressing in a really bohemian fashion-it really suits her and she's very arty, she's going to an art college where famous artists been and what-not. But anyway she did the funniest thing, she got ribbons and beads and insisted that I wrap it around my head and then she did the same to herself and lit candles and insense, took out cushions put them on the floor and turned off the lights and started playing the kinks "this time tomorrow". She didn't have any weed but oh how it would have suited our surroundings, she instead she stole her mum's dunhill cigarettes and smoked them and we discussed "deep" things haha. It was a good break from studying. I've done four hours of studying today, I feel really pleased with myself. I've only got a week until I go back and fear is a great motivator so I've finally gotten my act together and I'm working harder which is good. I do feel like a bit of a prisoner though, I really cant wait until these exams are over, the idea that I'm going to have to spend the spring term like this for the next five years or so fills me with dread. How do these people survive? Really, how?!

[stranded247]

I should be in bed but i'm buzzing. Was a tad drunk but its wearing off-urgh I had tooo much-not good when I have a date tomorrow ahhhhh!!!

Anyway there was a little shindig at matt's house, this guy rory invited me it was okay. A bit dry I felt a little out of it and I havn't eaten all day appart from some cereal so I just drank and it went to my head. Anyway the highlight was me being told I had a sexy voice by a very sexy guy who had a nasty girlfriend heh.

So yeah let me update you all. For about a month and a half I've been messaging this american guy who's 17 and lives pretty near me every day or so. He added me on facebook from this dumb application are you interested where you basically click on someone if you think they are hot and then you come up on their screen and they decide whether you are hot by your picture and then you get a match, I just added the application for a laugh. But anyway he messaged me just wanting to talk so we've been talking for quite a bit. He's very smart and he seems interesting. He's a nerdy but cool type-that is HOT. I LOVE NERDS MMMMMMM lol. Anyway he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him this weekend so yeah were meeting up for the first time tomorrow-I'm pretty nervous. I usually dont do this kinda thing and by the way just so y'all know he's not some paedophile, he goes to an international school and is friends with some of my friends but they dont we've been talking, cos well I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I'll talk to strangers on the internet. But he seems really cool. I'm trying not to have any expectations, I'm just gonna go and see what he's like. And then afterwards I'm going to hang out with Dave, Adam, Ben, Patrick and possibly Pedro who is still annoying me-mr.dominant argh. I got offered reading festival tickets by my friend Kate for £180 to camp for the weekend. I'm so tempted to go because I dont think we are ever going to manage to arrange Paris cos we're all disagreeing and Reading has an amazing line up playing, I would love to see the killers, bloc party and pendulum play live and vampire weekend!! EEE sooo many cool bands. But on the minus side about 1000 Aholes from all over london seem to be going and it sounds reaallllyyyy huge and overcrowded, anyway i'm off to bed now so that I dont look too shabby and hungover for my little rendez vous tomorrow.

G'niighhtt all.

[bobsiesprincess]

good luck with the date girly... and yes, geek chic is good!

[stranded247]

good luck with the date girly... and yes, geek chic is good!

 

I love geek chic, they did an amazing feature on it in vogue one year I saved it all haha. Thanks still jittery I have like a couple of hours to go ahhh don't even know what to wear Oh well i'll find something hopefully haha shall update you all

[stranded247]

Okay well I'm back from the "date" or whatever it was. He's exactly like I thought he would be from his facebook. I was early and so stood around feeling SO NERVOUS haha. But I wore a nice outfit, black skinny jeans, a grey tank top with black lace around the edges and a cute cardigan and ballet pumps. Anyway he seemed really shy, like I thought I would be the shy one cos he was the one who asked me on the date. There were a few pauses of silence but I'm quite good with that kinda stuff and so I made conversation mostly. He was nice though, he bought me a drink. We saw a movie so we couldn't do much talking. WOW he is sooo american hehe, I felt so english next to him like his accent was a total contrast to mine. He bumped into some of his friends from his school so he quickly said hi to them, didn't really introduce me but then again I would have done the same thing.

I had to go once the film was over, so he walked me to my busstop and then was like "was good seeing ya" and then just stood there staring face onwards at me kind of in my personal bubble so I just thought what the hell and gave him a hug to stop any awkwardness lol, he could have been waiting for a kiss I have no idea haha. Well it was an awkward hug, I think he is one of those people that you need to get to know quite well before he can be talkative. I think it went well, there is not much you can tell from it, cos it was a movie date. But whatever it was nice and I'm glad I did it and well we'll just wait and see, whatever happens happens. I'm cool with it. It made me realise that I'm a lot better in social situations than I thought, I'm not that shy after all

[stranded247]

CRAP. Today is my last day of easter break, christ I have sooooooooooooo much work to complete in one day. I feel like I havn't done enough studying at all, arggghhhh! On my best days I would do four hours but there have only been a few of those, mostly its been 2-3 hours a day And now today I have to complete a history paper on china (that should take an hour) ummm a french writing paper (again should take no more than an hour). Make cards on muslim beliefs about life after death for religious studies-30 minutes or so. Ummm tidy up maths coursework-who knows how long that could take. Okay so thats the work loads-not too bad. But wait, I have only covered half of physics, have not even opened chemistry and I'm doing it for a level-stupid me! And we had this giant science work book that was like 100 pages and we were meant to fill it in but I've refused to do it even though we were meant to. Its way too time consuming and I have my own way of revising science and I dont find it to be helpful, they gave us an answer booklet with it so we could mark ourselves. My chemistry teacher is kinda strict so maybe I will copy the answers from the booklet and fill it with that and make the odd mistake here and there. But for the other teachers I'm just gonna show them my revision notes and tell them that I did not fill in the revision booklet because it was too time consuming and I have my own methods of revising. Ahhhhhh not only that but I have done barely any french other than learn a few A* phrases. I've done almost zero religious studies just touched on topic 8 equality. And I've done very little history. I've done quite a lot of russian but nothing for my oral. Oh crap. But on the other hand. I've done loads of maths and about 4-5 two hour practise papers, covered the whole of biology, half of physics, some french a* phrases, a french reading paper (i'm quite good at french anyway if I didn't revise I could still get an A) ummm i did a few of the main history topics and I covered A LOT of russian grammar but I feel like i'm forgetting it all but I mean at least i've done something right?? This was so not the situation I imagined i'd be in during GCSE's. I've got five weeks still I guess. But sheesh its soooo soon. Basically I've focused on all my weak subjects and kind of havn't bothered with essay subjects because in things like history often I dont study and I still get A's but I'm gonna do quite a bit of studying every night after school I've decided. Well I will try oh nooooooo. Everyone i've spoken to is complaining how they've done barely anything but I'm not sure thats true.

[stranded247]

So american boy messaged me today, he's actually called Michael but hey americanboy is my name for him online-i'm amazingly original. So yeah he just asked me how I was and how my saturday evening I had planned with friends (which I told him about) went. I was kinda surprised, I was expecting that he probably wouldn't talk to me for a while again-that he might not be interested in me. Anyway that put a perk in my step hehe.

I really want to find reading tickets. Too bad I've decided I want to go to reading when the tickets are already sold out and kate isn't sure she can sell me one any more..oh well.

[stranded247]

Plans pour le weekend:

tomorrow I'm going to cassie's house, she's got a free house which is cool so there should be quite a few people going there (all the usual guys) and i'll see chloe. Although she's not sure whether to go cos she's now only allowed out one night a week and she heard there is a party on in stratham or something and she says cassie's isn't a real party. Pppffttttt she's too "cool" and socially selective these days, I wish she would be more nerdy and care less its so much more endearing, she's not the same person.

And saturday I'm meant to be studying and in the evening I'm going to some kind of glowsticks pulling fest rave. It sounds not my scene but I'm going with my cool canadian friend Kate from school so I will go. And sunday who knows? American boy messaged me again, asked me what I was doing this weekend. I'm growing on him, I think thats a bad thing when nothing is guaranteed lol. Life is too fun, its worrying I need to be more studious. Actually I've been getting up at 6am to go to study sessions at school and I've been staying after school for more study sessions. And I've still got four weeks. Shall do some hardcore revision on saturday I promise me.

[stranded247]

I'm disgusted by what I did, the other night, I put myself in a very akward and embarrassing position, it disgusts me. But at the same time I know it wasn't me: I'm not that kind of girl. I am honestly taking a pledge not to drink, I never have much of a good time when I'm drunk and to have a false sense of security about drinking is a stupid idea. I never though me of all people would put myself in that situation but next thing I know I'm in some bedroom doing something way too personal in such impersonal mechanical manner, that is never how I wanted things to be. It has not been a good weekend. Last night I went to a rave with Kate, saw all the girls from my college. They were taking E pills and asked me if I was on E, for god sake if I dance crazy does not mean I'm a junkie. It was fun but some random guy there started to kiss kate so I had to go off on my own, I felt kinda well not pretty next to all these other stunning modelesque girls but it was really fun because me and kate saw step up 2 with these two really nice girls natalie and jo and we just had a girly evening before we went to the rave which was fun, the good thing was that it was totally a good three hour workout of dancing haha. And I stayed over at Kate's. She's so cool, she was totally born in the wrong era, she's this happy go lucky perky and pretty canadian blonde who bakes amazing cakes in her spare time and she has a lot of class and she's such a nice girl, I'm so glad I'm friends with her. My whole time I've been at this school I've always wanted to be friends with her. She's so much fun too. Anyway I got home and I was feeling quite sad because I just felt cheap and ugly and like guys only liked me if I threw myself at them or something like I did on friday, which I have promised myself I will never do again. I've decided next time I kiss someone its not going to be a random boy who I've just met, its going to be someone I've gotten to know and who I really like, because that is special. There is no point in these things and its such a meaningless and hollow feeling. Anyway I got home and found a message from Michael, he wants to meet me after school tomorrow, I think it will probably be for drinks or something which should be cool. Cheers me up to know that someone might have some vague interest in me and that I'm not viewed as some object and nothing else. I'm also going to stop going out to parties so much now, I just want to calm it down, my whole body is aching from last night and now I'm too tired to do any work so I'm gonna sleep and try and do all my homework after I've had a nap.

[stranded247]

Stupid me, I was so tired yesterday that I misread michael's message, he wanted to meet up last night not today arghhh. So I messaged him back saying sorry I misread your message and thought you meant monday evening, could we meet up another day this week or something? He hasn't replied. I hope I didn't bugger it up. If I hadn't gone to the rave and gotten home at 1pm on sunday I could have met him: silly me. Oh well if he likes me he will still agree to meet another time, besides I did take like two days to reply to his last message.

[stranded247]

My mum agreed to give me the day off school today so I can study, she told my nurse I was ill. So far I've kinda procrastinated however my plan is to cover at least half of chemistry by the end of today. Then I'm meeting michael. I've given up fencing for this term cos I have to study on saturdays. Also tomorrow I shall just study then in the evening I shall see the beloved crew for a movie and pizza, ahhh I like not partying, last weekend was horrible. Its my birthday next weekend, I'm kinda freaked, I've never really enjoyed my birthdays much. Anyway me and adam were talking last night about tea and I said as a joke that he should come round for afternoon tea one day. Then we came up with this idea of having an afternoon tea party. I could do it but I always get so nervous of mixing friends, like mixing my pretty friends from college with all my guy friends. Maybe I will just do it for me ben, david, adam, pedro, possibly patrick and chloe or something. Just outta school friends, I dont know. I'm asking to go clothes shopping for my birthday I have no clothes whatsoever-SUCKS. But my mum is poor so she says I might have to wait until after my birthday but she will at least buy me a new dress for the day. Hmmm I reckon maybe a cute tea party would be a laugh, my mum said she'd give us champagne with it, not exactly fitting but could be a laugh.