Relationship With X

[nick66]

Man, just having so many doubts about what all this means. Is she asking me to stay because, like she says, she misses me? Misses me why, for sex, companionship, what? Our divorce is supposed to be final around the 8th of July. I've told her after that I feel like I'm done for good, no going back.

 

Damn, just so confused right now. I'm not going to mention anything, just try to relax, enjoy the time and see what happens.

[lostandhurt]

Nick,

 

Sorry for being away for a few days but my dog was bit by a rattlesnake and I have been nursing him back to from deaths door.

 

You are on a very dangerous ledge here and I think you know it. She knows your love is fading and it scares her. She thought she could divorce you, have her freedom but keep you as a friend and if things don't work out she could simply break the glass and pull the emergency cord and get you back. The problem for her is that you are moving away emotionally and she can feel it. That is why she asked you if you still loved her. Her fallback guy is heading off into the sunset to start his new life and she knows she is all alone and is scared....very scared.

The sex is a way of keeping you close. I am not going to throw stones at you for having sex with her but you know it isn't the same. Protect yourself and your kids.

 

What is she thinking? I am not sure she even knows what she is thinking. She is running on emotions triggered by the reality of what she wanted that is now looming very large. If you were in her shoes how would you feel?

Your best bet is to stick to your plan and not let these "I miss you" moments get much traction. You might have noticed the more you stand up for yourself and not take any crap the more she is drawn to you. Keep getting back to the old Nick, not the guy from 6 months ago but the guy from 16 years ago. What was that guy like? What did he do for fun and hobbies? How did he view life and happiness? Don't get side tracked my friend, stay on course and see if she starts turning her ship in your direction.

 

Lost

[nick66]

You know what Lost? You're absolutely right. Her supposed best friend, the single one I've mentioned, called me out of the blue last Friday and basically betrayed my wife's trust.

 

She said that she's asked my wife what in the hell is wrong with you? She said that my wife had a great husband, and that she would regret this decision later in life. She even said that she remembers me as being good looking, although I haven't seen her in about 10 years. I don't know what's going on, but I just said "thanks" and moved the conversation on.

 

I'm really at the point where I don't want her back. I can't trust her, and for me, once the trust is gone it's over. I just left my lawyer's office to hammer out the final details and I'm ready for the 8th of July.

 

I don't want her as my wife, I just don't. She's ruined our relationship beyond repair. I'm so ready to move on with my life. I of course will remain civil and not start arguments with her. What's the point? I know that once I leave the house this coming Sunday I will never sleep with her again. I'm really having to make myself enjoy sex with her now, almost like a chore it seems.

 

I'm only there for my kids. There all I care about now and they know it. My youngest daughter actually said to me the other day, "If mommy keeps hurting you then she isn't worth it."

 

I agree sweetheart.

 

I hope your dog is doing better Lost. Thanks again for staying with me. Thanks as well to others who have taken the time to post.

[lostandhurt]

I know what you mean Nick,

 

There comes a point where all you want is some rest physically and emotionally and that means staying away from her and all the drama and dysfunction. You have a good head on your shoulders and are doing very well through all this.

 

You will find that the WAS has terrible taste in friends for the most part. They usually seek out others that agree with them and support their choices unconditionally. It is unusual for one to step out like her friend did and speak up like she did. She must be an old friend because the new friends of a WAS won't do that and will back her no matter how dysfunctional she gets. Be wary though, your stbx may be trying to feel you out through her friend. You did well to change the subject and move on. Taking the high road can be hard sometimes in the moment but minutes later it pays off with a good feeling.

 

You are not making love to your wife any longer, it is just sex and that is why you feel the way you do. You know how great it was when love was the driving force not just physical attraction or lust.

 

Your children see more than she realizes and it may or may not affect them later in life. I work very hard to smooth out the rough edges of my ex and explain things to my son about her behavoir so he can understand where it is coming from and than it isn't the way things should be. It might be a good idea for you to look for a book or two on children of a divorce or the affects of divorce on children so you can stay out ahead of things. I have a very good feeling about your relationship now and in the future with your children.

 

July 8th isn't the end, it is the beginning of a new relationship with your ex wife. It won't magically get less dramatic on the 8th and more than likely as you move farther away it will get more dysfunctional and hard to understand. Remember this: "don't try to make sense out of nonsense" it is wasted effort and energy you could be using on something better for you.

 

Keep posting and stay smart on all your moves and words you say.

 

Lost

[nick66]

Lost, the friend is one from childhood. She just texted me again asking if it was okay to take my kids to a water park, on her, and then if I wanted have them spend the night with her in case I wanted to spend sometime with my wife. Why would I want to spend time with my wife?

 

Regarding her friend, she told me some stuff that contradicted what my wife had told me, basically telling me my wife was lying. I just listen and gather info for possible further use.

 

It's almost comical how my wife will lie straight to my face, when I know the truth about what she's talking about. She acts like we're still a couple when we're together for the most part. I'm trying to be the bigger person in all of this. I figure one day, everything will come crashing down around her head and the truth will be revealed to all those she's lied too.

 

I'm past it all, I just do whatever needs to be done in the best interest of my kids. I have no desire to talk bad about their mom, I just won't do that. I'm not saying once they're all adults, that if they have questions, I won't tell them the real truth.

 

It's sad though that they make comments in a "funny way" about their mom coming home drunk at 3 in the morning. I'm there with them, so I don't really care one way or the other. I used to think that I would always have these "great" feelings about my wife after we were divorced, but now she really just is nothing like the woman I married.

 

I wonder if she'll ever regret her decision. I can deal with what she did to me, but she did this to our kids because she wanted to go out and have fun?

 

Selfish indeed.

[nick66]

Funny, 99% of the time I feel really good about everything, but that 1% is tough right at this moment. I gave my wife 16 years of unconditional love, respect, support, and anything that she asked for.

 

I get re-payed with lies and betrayal. I feel like she's just damaged any good memories we had, that she's just this person who can lie to me just as easily as the sun will come up the next day.

 

I hate this for my kids. My kids don't deserve any of this. I don't care what I have to go through, I will do my best to make sure that I give them all my love and that I'll always be there for them.

[benga]

Nick - I have been reading your daily updates and 100% get what you are going through. I was out on vacation, but been seeing and reading the daily feeds coming into my email from ENA..

 

Your attitude will serve you well, and how you are dealing with this rollercoaster is very very normal. God knows this isnt easy, and you are being braver than you think you are... It is absolutely alright to feel bright and positive one day and down in the dumps the next.. Over a period of time the highs will get higher and the lows will be fewer in between. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and the 16 years that you have invested in your "family" - this is very very normal. Only those who have been through it can relate to how you feel, and we do, very well.

 

Being in close proximity with a WAS can be brain damaging (as hosed so articulately puts it and I am really impressed with how you have handled it so far, and have understood the consequences at each step/phase. A WAS has a way of staying in control/power by using emotional blackmail, sex to sucking you back into the black hole... With some experience (painful I must add), you will learn to see through the lies and deceipt of it all...

 

I know this is a day you are regretting, but I am really interested to read your updates after July 8th.. Somehow I get the sense that she has been bluffing and you have called her bluff... She wanted more from the marriage, and used the threat of divorce as a bluff to get more from you.. You called her bluff, and did totally the opposite of what she expected from you.. I might be completely wrong, but that is a hunch that I had based on experience..

 

What happened with me was similar too.. My wife walked, said she wanted a divorce. But each time, I raised or forced the issue, she would get into the bunkers and get evasive.. When I threatened to file and free myself, she would come running back (but never completely back into a marriage) and then distance herself again... This pattern repeated till I just picked up my bags, my daughter, locked my house and left Chicago and accepted a role in a new company in Singapore.. She figured she had lost all control over me, lost access to our daughter and came running back home.. She has been back for about 2 years now, and from the looks of it, not going anywhere for now.

 

Interstingly, she now offers me valuable insights on how a WAS thinks. She is aware of the fact that I am a member of a self help site (ENA) but doesnt know which and knows that I post periodically since we got back together. She knows that I have received help and contributed, and I know pick her brains from time to time understand other situations too.. Nick, I did speak to her about your situation, and she feels the same as well - Your wife bluffed and you called it.. Her ego at this point of time is too dysfunctional to admit she has f****ed up, and it is likely that she will never admit making the mistake.. But by going through with the divorce she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She knows, but wont do anything about it, she doesnt know what to do about it, or how to deal with it.. She is confused and in a state of mental distress and will levitate to any place that will help ease her confusion/distress - and the source of that will be new found friends who don't know you too well, and constantly encourage her decision and agree with her. Anybody who tries to reason with her will be seen as siding with you and she will see the back(s) of those people really soon.

 

Your kids truly don't deserve any of this! This isnt their fault and this is something that you will have to continue to reinforce with them. They need you more than ever.. Lost mentioned this earlier, but over the next few month, they will actually help save you... You will become the best father they could have had, and they will reciprocate that, and keep your head above the water...

 

Hang in there! You will be fine. The rollercoaster has started, but you still have a while before it ends. You don't know the route the rollercoaster will take, so prepare yourself for everything that comes your way.....

 

Benga

[hopingforbettr]

Nick, I've been following your post and I like your thought process all but I myself couldn't even consider sex when my wife of 16 years walked out. You seem to be doing Great on getting things handled and taking care of your children though!!!! Beware Nick always on guard though as my ex pushed me to the brink many times after being nice for awhile suddenly a monster would show and demand this or that with lots of threats. Take your time think EVERYTHING best and worst case scenario out and place everything you can in your decree to protect both you and your children. I've had to refer my ex back to the decree many times already since April 10th when my new life finally really began. Deflection is the best don't engage if she tries to start playing games or being mean. My ex does both and can try to be nice yet mean at the same time. Be prepared for anything, the best gift other then listen to these guys here on this board I could give you is link removed

 

You will have many ups and downs but trust me the sun will shine if you can go to limited or no contact the better off you will be. I only use text or email and will not speak with my ex period... My ex hasn't been in my mothers house for months when picking up the kids at the end of the work day yet yesterday she went inside and asked for my mother twice, both times my mom ignored her and stayed in another room until the ex left the house with the kids. remember deflect don't engage. Mine only shows herself when she wants attention or to stir the pot. Many things will change in time trust me... The sun will shine again and you will be happy again too, if you live in the past it will take longer and longer to move into the future.

 

My life at the moment is wonderful I've met a wonderful woman and spend all the free time I can find with and without my kids with her and her kid. We had a big sleep over last weekend and this weekend we hit the fair and play volleyball and possibly swimming and bowling for a few days. My only problem right now is money as my ex filed for bankruptcy and had racked up a bunch of credit cards I was unaware of with my name on them, each day I wait to see how many more bills will come.

 

I still pay little attention to the mail though and focus my life on the wonderful gifts God gave me my children and family and the woman of my dreams. I didn't think it would be possible no way this soon. I didn't want to be around women and this woman broke down my walls very fast through unselfish acts of kindness to others and me and my children. I spent years trying to make my ex happy and now all I have to worry about is keeping me and my kids happy.

 

Trust me the sun will shine again if you let it and the sooner you distance yourself from your stbx the better. Again try and make your decree out with the idea you don't want any cracks in it for the present or future. Hang in there and Good Luck!!!!

[nick66]

Thanks benga and hopinforbettr, those were both good reads. You know benga, I really believe that she's just stubborn enough to let the divorce go through, even if in her mind she had doubts. The problem is, even if she changed her mind and wanted the marriage, I really feel that our marriage and relationship is too damaged.

 

She would need to undergo and make serious changes, changes that I don't even know if she's capable of. I used to have all of these great memories of our marriage, and she's just really destroyed all of that.

 

The thing is, there are things I could say to her that would hurt her and make me feel better, but I really don't see the point in doing that. I'm not sure what her best friend is trying to accomplish by calling me and betraying my wife's trust. My sister-in-law said that she's trying to show me what a good mother she is to my kids, and that maybe she see's what a good husband my wife has and is about to throw away.

 

As far as dating goes, it took a long time before I could even look at another woman with any interest. That's when I was still deeply in love with my wife. Now that my love for her is about gone, my interest has been slowly coming back. I'm still not ready to date however, as I need to get my life in order.

 

I was so heart broken today when my youngest daughter wanted me to sign her up for a pre-teen camp at the church. I told her that I just couldn't afford the $375 right now. I'm giving my wife the last of the bills I will be paying for her next month, so that will free up some money. My daughter started crying and I just explained it to her the best I could.

 

I told her that Daddy was living with grandpa now, and the reason was because I was trying to start saving some money so I could get an apartment by them before school starts. I told her that I was sorry, that I didn't want any of this, but that we'll get through it. I told her to just be strong for me and that I love her with all my heart. It's just hurts so bad when you have to disappoint one of your kids.

 

As far as the situation with the wife is concerned, I do what I do for my kids. If I didn't have kids I would have kicked her ass to the curb when all this began. I will limit the contact with her when it's all over, but I still want to remain friends with her. It's very important to me that we get along, especially for the kids. Even through everything she's put me through, and is still putting me through really, I have no hate for her.

 

This is a person that I once vowed to love and cherish until the day I die. It hurts at times to see the person she's become, but she has free will to do as she likes. I can't get wrapped up in her drama, and I won't unless it affects my kids. I will always have love for her because she's the mother of my kids, but we will be friends after this and nothing more.

 

I still get glimpses every now and then of the woman I loved with all of my heart, but they seem to happen with less frequency now. I just want to get on with my life, I'm so tired of all of this, but I'm strong physically and mentally, and it's just something I need to get through. I'm not even divorced yet and I'm able to deal with it. I very rarely, and I mean rarely let it bother me anymore. The only time I become emotional at all is if it involves my kids.

 

I do wish her nothing but the best in life, and I hope she finds whatever it is she's looking for. I do believe she will pay a heavy price for it all, including the kids wanting to come and live with me. That's something she can deal with though.

 

Thanks again guys.

[nick66]

This is exactly how I feel about it all, well said.

[nick66]

Okay, I'll be back on Sunday. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to respond to my posts. I really appreciate y'all taking the time to do so. I might not always acknowledge everyone, but it does mean a lot to me.

 

Have a great weekend guys.

[nick66]

Well, what a difference a few days can make. I don't even know where to start with all of this.

 

As for those who have read my previous posts, I've stated that I could never take her back because of trust issues and so forth. Well, my wife and daughter attended a wedding Saturday night, and I went to sleep that night knowing I was leaving the house again Sunday afternoon.

 

My wife called the house Sunday morning crying hysterically. I asked her what was wrong, and she went on to say that when she was at the wedding, listening to the vows being recited, something came over her and she came to the realization she was making a huge mistake.

 

She said she was so sorry for everything and wanted to see me before I left for work. I told her I couldn't wait, but that I could come home in a few hours so we could talk. I got home and sat down so we could talk, and I started by saying that if I felt she was lying at any time I was leaving.

 

She proceeded to tell me that this last week of me staying at the house started to bring back some of the feelings she used to have for me, but that she was afraid to say anything. She said when she was at the wedding, it just hit her how selfish and stupid she had been these past few months, that she came to the realization that she did in fact want me and our marriage.

 

I told her that it would take a lot of work, that she would have to do anything and everything I asked of her without complaint, and she agreed to do whatever it took to repair our marriage.

 

Counseling, which was always a firm no, suddenly became an easy yes. In fact, everything I could come up with at that point was easily agreed upon by her. I have work to do myself, so I made sure to mention that work was needed by the both of us.

 

So, instead of a divorce next week, I'm going to contact my lawyer Monday morning and tell her to hold off at this point. I feel that I owe it to myself and especially my kids to try and make everything work out. If we can't make it work then at least we tried.

 

I can't even describe what it felt like to hear my wife say "I love you" again to me after over six months. I was surprised at how easily my feelings for her starting surfacing again.

 

I must say that sitting here right now, I'm feeling pretty damn good. I guess my journey through life just changed course and I'm going to see where it takes me.

 

I'm going to still post to keep everyone who follows updated on how things are going. I must say this though, to all those who have done the begging, pleading, and crying, please stop all of it. It wasn't until I just let her do whatever she wanted to do, and that I acted like I didn't care, that she finally saw that I was serious about the divorce. Once she got that taste of real life she saw the grass wasn't indeed greener.

[mhowe]

Wow Nick..guess no one saw that coming! You have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart. Hold her feet to the.fire! Best of luck.

[nick66]

Thank you mhowe. I can't describe the feelings I have right now. Our anniversary is in July, and it will indeed be a special one. Lots of work ahead, but at least we have something to work on.

[mhowe]

I would imagine "shock" is at least part of it! And your expectations are correct...reconciliation is not for the weak of faith!

[lostandhurt]

Nick,

 

I had a feeling this would happen but honestly I thought it would take a few months. I am happy for you but also very concerned. I am in no way second guessing your choice to try again. I feel it is the right thing to do not only for your children but for both you and your wife. 16 years is nothing to sneeze at these days and you have a lot to be thankful for.

 

I know a guy that his WAS returned and at first he was happy but now he is miserable and is just waiting till his last child leaves the house and he will divorce her. She came back but things never were even ever again. She holds all the cards and holds them over him all the time. She has one foot out the door all the time. There is no trust or respect.

 

Be careful and do not let up on the things that got you where you are now. You are right there is much work to be done on both sides and you must be the leader to make sure things are not left un-repaired.

 

There are a few questions I am curious about:

1. Did she really stop loving you?

2. Did she allow her love for you to fade or was there something that distracted her from that love?

3. How does she think her love for you faded and was lost?

4. What does she think will stop this from happening again?

 

Hopefull therapy will bring out the real truth. I have never thought she was being honest with herself through this whole thing.

 

I am extremely proud of the way you have handled this whole situation Nick.

 

How do you really feel about her changing her mind? Be brutally honest.

 

Benga will be a fantastic guide for you now. He has lived through some stuff I thought was impossible.

 

I am hopeful things keep going well and your counseling is very fruitful.

 

Lost

[nick66]

Lots of good info and questions in your post Lost. To be honest, I'm taking it day by day. I can honestly say that if she hadn't of asked me to stop the divorce, I was more than ready to go through with it.

 

She told me one thing really bothered her, and that's when she had asked me a week earlier if I was still in love with her. I told her that I loved her as the mother of our children, but the love for her as my wife was about gone. She said that really hurt her and made her think about everything.

 

She holds no power over me, I'm content in my decision and I'm at peace with myself. She knows what's at stake in all of this, so there will be no games or bs from either of us, just hard work. Our 15th anniversary will be July 22nd, and I'm looking forward to a very special day with her. I can honestly say that I have a long ways to go in regaining all of the feelings I used to have for her, but for me, it's worth it.

 

As for why she fell out of love with me, she says it was something that happened gradually over the years. She said she felt like she wasn't a priority to me, and that she was just a housewife who cooked. cleaned, and took care of the kids. To her credit, she did come to me several times over the years and told me she needed more from me, that she craved that emotional love and everything that goes with it. I can say I failed as a husband in that area. It won't happen again.

 

Will this work? I have no idea. Like I said, it's day by day for me. We will hopefully both do our best to recapture the feelings we once had, but we need our marriage to be better than it was, because that obviously didn't work out.

 

 

 

I told her that she wasn't just going to come back to me and all of a sudden everything was back to normal, because she did a lot of damage to our relationship. To say she is on a short leash is wrong, because she's on no leash. In fact, she's wearing nothing but a choke collar. I told her that one slip up, one time of dishonesty or anything, and I will proceed with the divorce. i told her that next time I'm taking the house and the kids and she can find her own place.

 

It was amazing the turnaround in her demeanor and behavior. She was once again the woman I married and fell in love with. Now, can she maintain this? Time will tell, and I have have plenty of time to work on this marriage. Again, I have areas I need to work on, so it's not like I'm blaming her for everything. I acknowledged that I didn't make her a priority, and I promised her I will now do so.

 

I think that after going out with her girlfriend for a few months, she finally realized that at 43 it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. I think she also noticed that the kids were pulling away from her and were wanting to spend all their time with me. My oldest daughter, 13, is still very upset with her. When we told her what was happening she stormed off to her room. I asked her what was wrong and she said "How can she not love you two months ago and now all of a sudden be back in love?"

 

My oldest is very protective of me, and my wife has somewhat damaged her relationship with her. I told my wife that something only she can fix, not me. My relationship with my kids is great, and she needs to work on being the mother she used to be.

 

How do I feel about changing her mind? I'm still kind of in shock I guess, if that's what you want to call it. I'm still guarded in my feelings towards her, as I need time to really recapture all that love I used to have. Will she fall out of love again? I guess if I knew the answer to that question it would make this an easy decision.

 

From what she told me yesterday, she said while listening to the vows at the wedding, she said God touched her heart and made her realize what she was doing was wrong. She said she realized she was being a stupid, selfish person. I agreed of course. She said she doesn't want the single life, that she wants her husband and family together. She looked so worn down, so tired from work and going out.

 

For those who have been in long term relationships, a person can look at their spouse in the eyes when they're talking and see if their being honest or deceptive. I know this woman inside and out, and I could see that she was truly sorry for everything. It's day 2 of this journey, and I know there will be bumps along the way, but I do love her and will give it all I have.

[lostandhurt]

Nick,

 

My questions were more for her than you and there needs to be no verbal answer from her, just honesty with herself. There is a why in here somewhere and she needs to admit (at least privately) what it was. It could have been simply the grass was greener syndrome...only she knows.

 

You both are in a unique spot here. You have an opportunity to know each other very well from all the years together while placing all your cards on the table about the marriage. All to often things go unsaid or worse, unheard but you both are now paying extremely close attention to your marriage and life together and this is a watershed moment for change and improvement. I see this as mourning a relative or friend that has passed and wishing you had spent more time with them. Your marriage was on deaths door Nick and you both have a second chance as the true value of your marriage has reemerged.

 

This my friend may be a blessing for your whole family. I know for sure your relationship with your children is closer than it might have been after living through all of this. You will emerge a better father, husband, brother, coworker and friend.

 

You can tell your wife for me that she is an extremely lucky woman to have such an understanding man by her side.

 

I know you said one day at a time but what next? Have you sought out a therapist? Perhaps she should do that so she feels more in charge of rebuilding what has been torn down.

 

As she returns more to the woman you married your love for her will grow and grow. I don't think your love for her ever faded, it was just the person she became could not be loved by you is all. I don't see the trust going back to the way it was for some time but it will get there one day.

 

Lost

[hopingforbettr]

Nick, I'm very very happy for you sounds like you get a chance many of us never get.

 

Ok guys I just met another walk away yesterday first I was dealing with my WAW thru email about her filing for BK. Then after I get home I get a text from my former girlfriend she was done and no changing her mind I was too nice and affectionate to her. Funny thing was both of them on the same day, Wow LOL... The girlfriend flat out lied to me about many things of how she felt and wasn't giving me a chance to talk with her about it either just like my ex wife did. She told me before many times that if something was bothering her about me then we would talk about it yet she wouldn't answer her phone and I only got one last text out of her saying she had nothing to say.

 

Lesson learned trust, I don't know about trusting anyone other then my own Mother,sibblings and children again, it will take a long time before I can trust outside of my family again. Just 3 days ago the girlfriend told me she loved me and we took the kids to the fair together and the night before she sent me the text, her daughter was having health issues and I was trying to comfort her by saying I would be there at the drop of a hat if she asked me to. I must be too nice of a guy and too trusting, I'm fine but have to think that society as a whole is too easy to dispose of a problem rather then work through it or even talk about it. The thing that bothers me most is I trusted this woman enough to let her around my kids and they liked her and had bonded with her now she won't even talk to me. So my kids will have even more trust issues too, I don't think I'll be letting anyone around my kids for a very very long time if ever. I may not let anyone close to me again either. I've apologized to the kids and they seem to understand and my oldest is very angry once again saying what is wrong with these mean people anymore even talking about her own mother. Learn from my mistakes guys don't trust them until they earn it after years not months..

[lostandhurt]

H4B,

 

Some things you have to learn on your own. I dated a lot of women and about 1/3 or more were Walk Away Wives. I got very good at spotting them after a while though. When they asked me what happened to cause my divorce and as I was telling them the condensed version I would see it in their faces. There were a few times when they defended my WAW actions. Many of these women were very attractive (on the outside) but they could not hide their selfishness. Lesson learned my friend. Don't condem them all though, there are a lot of good people in this world.

 

I dated for over 2 years and not one met my son. The bar is set pretty darn high for that to happen.

 

Being to nice and helpful can also cause problems for you. Don't change who you are, just reserve all that for when they earn it through actions not words. You will find that many WAW you date are reminded of their ex they walked out on by you or your actions so they bail. Remember they weren't happy with their husband so they need something new to make them happy. Of course they are all not like that but you will run into your share. Just learn to spot them early on and have fun. It took me 2+ years to meet someone special...

 

Well tomorrow is Independence Day

I am hopeful that every single person that has ever been in our shoes can look at their lives tomorrow and be thankful for the independence they have in their lives. Many of us here have taken a very bad situation and learned and grown from it making our lives better than before. Nick has a chance to right some wrongs that took years to happen, some decide to stay single and withdrawal, others go on dating sprees (me at one time) while some take their time and build a wonderful simple life for themselves filled with joy and happiness alone or with someone special. There is a special kind of freedom that comes from what we have been through, let's not waste it...

 

Lost

[hopingforbettr]

Lost,

 

Thanks I don't condemn them all some of my closest friends are women however they all happen to be happily married or not my type. This woman was a WAW however she told me why and I did some checking and understand why too, I myself would have ran from her ex. I have no hard feelings other then how can you simply send a text that says I'm not seeing or talking to you anymore because your too nice? I personally would never consider such a thing as a text to breakup not ever.... Is this what society has become as acceptable behavior as a whole? If so I won't be playing I'm a happy go lucky kind of guy who would do anything for anyone always have been. This may become very reserved for family only though from now on I don't know.

 

Friday night this week or next will tell me what I need to know about myself as some friends already want me to go out with them to eat and bar hopping. I'm very thankful for all my blessings and pretty happy overall with what I have still today. I see my kids everyday and they stay with me every other day, I kept my house and my pickup truck, and tractor life is not all bad not even close to bad.

 

Just shocked at how some people can treat others and think its acceptable behavior is all. I grewup with more respect then that for others, you open the door for ladies and do things to help them out like carry groceries , get them flowers, tell them how you feel if they tell you the same in return. Above all be honorable and loyal these are the types of morals my parents and family taught me, treat others how you want to be treated in return.

 

Have a Great fourth everyone!!! I've got my kids so life is Great!!!!

[benga]

Nick - I had second guessed this happening too.. If you read my earlier post, wherein I was interested in seeing her after July 8, and my comment wherein I had mentioned that she has been "bluffing" and you have been calling her on her bluff all the while. All along, I did have a hunch that your marriage was savable.

 

I am truly happy for you. If a marriage can be saved you should and must do everything to save it. It isn't going to be an easy road. Fundamentally there are things in your relationship that have broken, and have been broken for a while. It will take COMMITTMENT from the both of you EQUALLY in restoring a relationship that the basic elements of trust, respect, love and fullfillment. It will take alot of listening and empathy from both of you and perhaps under the guidance of a very skilled practitioner/counsellor/therapist... But be sure to find somebody who is solution based and skilled. A bad therapish can really mess things up...

 

The effort needs to be EQUAL. If she believes that you carry the lions share of the restoration on your shoulder - she is wrong... It needs to be joint and combined...

 

Look forward.. The past is the past for a reason - because it is in the past (for a reason).. I know its difficult, but you will have to forget and forgive alot of what has happened the past 6 months. Dont bring it up and ask her to do the same...

 

This will take a while. Both of you need to stay patient.... Dont hesitate for a moment if you need to reach out to me for any venting, because for every 3 steps ahead you make, you will take 2 steps back.. This will be a slow one, but will be worth it in time.....

 

Happy for you buddy...... Stay connected and keep us posted on things as they progress...

[nick66]

Well, it's been one week since my wife and I decided not to divorce. I can honestly say that my wife has been giving it 100%. I have told her that the past is the past, ans that we started our new life together on Sunday, 06/30/13.

 

We had a great week together, especially on Saturday night. During this 6-month ordeal, I lost about 25 pounds due to hitting the gym and eating healthy. I went out and bought some new clothes Saturday, and while my wife was getting her nails done, I rushed home to get ready for our "date" that night.

 

I left the house before she got there and hung out at a sports bar down the street. My wife called me when she was ready, and I went back to the house to pick her up for our night out. She greeted me at the door and when she saw me dressed up she just started crying. She told me I looked so good, and that she was excited about the night. We kissed the kids goodbye and left for our date.

 

I gave her a rose when got inside the car, and we then headed out for our dinner reservations. We decided to go to a movie afterwards, and then decided to have a few drinks. I stopped in a parking lot, put on one of our songs, and I danced with her in the parking lot next to the car. It was so nice being close with my wife again.

 

We then went dancing and just enjoyed each other's company until we got home that night. My wife, throughout the night, kept stating how lucky she was that I took her back, and that there was nothing she wouldn't do to make our marriage the best it could be. I could tell by how emotional she was that it was something she meant from her heart.

 

I told her that I loved her too, that I never thought we would have this chance again, but that it was worth fighting for. She said her love for me grows stronger everyday, and that she feels her love for me will be even greater than it was before.

 

So far so good guys. I will keep taking it day by day, doing my part in making the marriage successful. I'll keep posting with updates.

[benga]

Good stuff Nick.... Take it easy, take it slow. take each day at a time. More than anything else, keep open, honest and healthy communication channels open with her at all times. Try ensuring that there isn't any bottled up resentment or anger at any time (it is like poison)...

 

This is perhaps this is what your marriage needed - an infusion of romance All marriages need it, we somehow seem to get caught up in lives priorities, that we neglect one of the most important relationships of our lives... Commit yourself completely into restoring your marriage. 100% committment from both of you (and nothing short of that) will be necessary...

[nick66]

Thanks benga, I must say that I really didn't think my feelings and emotions would come back so quickly. I can see that she's being genuine and honest with me, and she says to ask me anything at anytime, that there will be no secrets.

 

I told her to just be patient with me, that I've been through a lot these past six months. She says she worries that I won't fall back in love with her again, but I never really did completely stop loving her. My love for her is nowhere near what it once was, as hers for me isn't either, but we have the same goal for our marriage.

 

I also told her that I would leave the past where it belongs, in the past. I won't throw things in her face, but will continue to move forward as long as the effort is sincere and complete from her.

 

I'm planning our 15th wedding anniversary celebration as we speak, it will be on the 22nd of July. I'm going to make it a day she'll never forget, and one that I won't either.