Relationship With X

[benga]

Mari - I really like your post (and have given it due credit), but alot of what you have mentioned is easier said than having to experience it real time. Dealing with the betrayal isnt easy. An emotional affair I believe is equally devastating and seldom marriages recover.

 

We tend to meet alot of compatible people at work, who are likeminded, have common goals, share a bond given the amount of time we spend together. Hey, we spend more time with people at work than we do with our spouses (most often), but that doesnt mean at all such relationships at work with the opposite sex end up in an emotional affair. Affairs happen when the offending spouse is vulnerable and many needs (emotional, physical etc...) aren't being met and there are cracks in the marriage already. Sometimes the offending spouse is simply bored and is dragged into the lure of excitement with these affairs... Irrespective, for the spouse who has been cheated upon, recovering from this knowledge of betrayal is hard work. Some couples trudge through it, but things are rarely the same, as the damage is done...

 

I have encouraged nick to go to counselling. They still can, provided both are completely willing to let go of the past and start afresh - again easier said than done..

 

In my own experience, letting go of anger, resentment and the past is the only key to a successful reconciliation, which is again alot of hard work and easier said than done. This process can take years!! But if there are benefits to be had in the end - why not take that chance...

 

Nick - offering you an alternative perspective for what it is worth. I hope you are doing well..

[Mari]

I think the key is whether Nick's wife physically cheated or not. If she did, then yeah, the marriage is over. But as you're saying, we do meet a lot of compatible people at work. I've seen people that are trying so hard not to have an emotional affair but they're clearly in love and just haven't admitted it.

 

Emotional affairs are just a matter of the amount of time spent and the apparent compatibility. If one works with someone compatible for a long time at the bare minimum they end up fantasizing about them. Usually they compare. They go home to their spouse that's in comfy clothes and deal with responsibilities and commitments while their spouse indulges in hobbies. Whereas at work, everyone is well groomed, well dressed, looks hard working, and oh, someone is interested, so they ask why are they settling for less. So at a bare minimum it erodes marriage.

 

I think Nick has been really blessed and his pride is getting in the way. Many of us are not married to our first, second, or even third loves. And we are not necessarily our spouse's first either. Our spouse may already be our second best, and we theirs at the time of marriage.

 

I see this playing out in two ways. Nick can forgive and then accept that there always exists a better relationship for anyone, especially since youth does not last. And that it's possible to be in love with more than one person. If he does, he can move past this, and his marriage will become stronger. He can openly discuss how his wife feels about the other guy and she will bond with him more because she doesn't have to hide it. Then help her get over it. Ask that guy to send a pic of him with his girl, talk about it with his wife.

 

Or he could say that he has to be the first pick and only love. In that case she does have to hide it, and she will not be able to be herself. Then they will divorce. Once she moves out, he's going to realize that it's hard being a single parent. He'll put out an ad that will describe his ex wife. Women may show up, but they will probably have kids of their own. He will be their 3rd best, but what choice will he have, it'll be better than being single so he'll go with one of them. They won't love his kids like his ex wife did. His kids will be more prone to divorce themselves then. And they will never accept this new woman as their mother, and resent Nick and his wife for splitting up.

 

His wife loves this guy at work, but has never lived with him. Even if she gets to go with him, she'll either realize that he isn't what she thought he was. Or that love will fade over two years. And because she had to lose something to get him, she'll resent him after those two honeymoon years, and miss her children and her ex-husband.

 

The choice for Nick is pride or his wife. I hope he lets go of pride, works on himself more, asks his wife what he can do to make the relationship better for her and then seek counseling. His kids and possibly his grand kids will pay the most for something that could've been fixed.

 

I know this is very hard to do, but it is harder being a single parent, it's harder being third best to someone who has already had a life with someone else.

[nick66]

Again, the post by Mari is completety the opposite of my situation. I have given some details in this thread earlier this year.

 

My pride has nothing to do with anything. I tried for a year to save my marriage, she wanted the divorce. I took her back in July but she wouldn't do what was required to save our marriage.

 

This is what she wants, and I'm at the point where I'm done trying.

 

I'm on my phone so I'll stop here for now.

[waffle]

I know we promise "til death do us part" but it really is just a promise, not a guarantee. Sometimes the marriage just really is over.

[lostandhurt]

I have read Nick's words very carefully and have re-read them from time to time to make sure I understand his situation.

 

In my eyes he needs no defending but I will remind you of what Nick did.

 

He did what many couldn't and gave his family a chance to stay together and become more than they were. He took his wife back after what she did and said. The lies, deceit and betrayal after so many years together is no easy thing to put behind you to truly try and work on the relationship but he tried his best but unfortunately she wasn't. He caught her telling the other man that she loved him and admitted to Nick that she was in love with this other guy even through he is in fact in a relationship with somone else. Nick was faced with no options. She is IN LOVE with another man. Is she going to regret what she has done and is doing? Yes you can be sure of that but she was given what many on this site have not been blessed with, a loving spouse that took her back and tried to repair the damage. She chose to keep living in her fantasy life and throw away a loving family.

 

For those that do not understand the Walk Away it may be hard to grasp but when they walk it is after they have built a life in their heads that is happier, more fun, exciting, new and makes them feel good. It is like a drug and they do not want to give it up no matter how many get hurt. They build emotional walls to protect themselves from reason and emotional regrets. They hide behind these walls when their old life shows up because the simply do not want to face it. In the end I keep seeing the same symptoms. The Walk Away is not happy for what ever reason so they build a happiness and run away from a life they once wanted. Perhaps one day his wife will seek out a therapist and she will work through the "WHY's" of all this. More than likely Nick will be long gone emotionally by the time that happens...

 

Men like Nick and others on this thread are rare, they tried and ate emotions and pain, put their ego's aside and gave it their best. He is a good man that simply knew when to say when. Like me he didn't want to get divorced, he had too.

 

Best wishes to all of us on this thread and forum as the holidays approach.

 

Lost

[nick66]

Thank you Lost, I think you summed it up pretty well. I have tried and given it all I could for our family, but in the end it takes both people to want a marriage. You know when your 11 and 14 year old daughters tell you that "Mommy doesn't deserve you" that it's pretty obvious to all what my marriage has become.

 

I stayed at home with the kids for months while she went out partying with her girlfriend, and even spent weekends with her. I was made to feel like the failure of our marriage was my fault in the beginning, and she had me convinced at first that maybe it was. I did everything, and I mean everything I could to make it work, but I have given up because it's no longer worth saving to me.

 

I know it's weird that we still get along great, but at times I think it's her guilt more than anything that causes her to act that way. She tells me that she loves me, just not the way a wife should love her husband, whatever that means. She tells me that she'll always care for me, which is nice, but if she really cared she wouldn't have done this to me and our family.

 

She's scared to tell her parents because she knows she is wrong and will lie to them about the real reason. I won't say anything because I don't want to ruin her relationship with them. My oldest daughter asked me if "momma had cheated" on me, I just told her that it was between her mother and me. Her reply was "that's what I thought."

 

I've tried to reread a lot of this thread, trying to take the advice that I can only control what happens day to day in my life. I still get overwhelmed with grief at times when I think about the future that won't be how I envisioned it, but I try to tell myself that that future will still happen, just minus my wife.

 

The divorce will be finalized on 12/16 of this year, and so far it's only cost me around $700. There's been no arguing over anything, and my wife has pretty much given me what I've asked. I'm also keeping my home, which is important to me, as I think once she's gone I will redo it how I like it.

 

I think what I'll miss the most, with the obvious exception of my kids, will be the companionship I've had everyday with her for the last 16 years. My house will now be empty most of the time, and I have no desire to replace her anytime soon. I know in my heart it's because I still love her, but I also know that I've let her do things to me I swore no woman would ever do.

 

I thought she was my soulmate, the love of my life, but I guess I was wrong. Once she's gone I do know this, that I will never take her back again under any circumstance. I would rather live alone and just be with my kids than to go through all that hell again. I could never trust her again, never. She says all she did was kiss the guy but in my heart I know better. It may in fact be true, but when a person is lied to repeatedly it's hard to believe anything they say.

 

I will always care for my wife, and I will always love her because she's the mother of our kids. I will never talk bad about her to the kids, nor will I show her any disrespect. Just because she hurt me and put me through hell for a year, I don't believe that hating her, or being vengeful has any purpose.

 

I wish her the very best in life, and I hope that God has something good planned for me. I can't imagine living the rest of my life in the pain that I currently feel almost everyday. I wish I could get a handle on my emotions but they just overwhelm me at times.

 

I just want to find a woman one day that will love me unconditionally. I know that I was a good husband, even my wife has said this to me. I guess people fall out of love, it's just that when they do they sometimes really hurt the people that have loved them unconditionally.

 

The upcoming holidays will be our last as a family, and I hope I can keep it together in front of the kids. My wife hates it when I get upset because she says it makes her feel bad. I think it's all the guilt that she really can't handle. Even when we tried to reconcile, she would tell me if I was upset that comforting me was something she just couldn't do for me.

 

I mean hell, if she can't do it then who can? She never really gave it 100% and has admitted as much. I tried and tried and tried to do anything and everything. I'm spent emotionally and physically. My body just can't take it anymore. I'm so hurt and sad that my marriage is coming to an end, but I really hope i have something great in my future.

[lostandhurt]

Nick,

You are walking a path I know all to well my friend. The unkown is what hit me the hardest. When will this pain end, when will I have a life again, will my son be okay, where will I live, how will I cope when everything I worked so hard for is gone, am I that unloveable, will I ever trust again, what will become of me...

 

There was a lot of fear for me because I felt I had zero control over my own life because of what someone else did. She decided the fate of the whole family and nobody had any say in it but her.

 

My best friend in all this was ACCEPTANCE. It saved me as I learned it (thanks John). Learning about the ego and how it was driving many of the thoughts above helped so much and continues to help me everyday.

 

At this point Nick all I can tell you is that I made it and so will you. Looking back at the situation I am not sure how I survived but I did. I took advice and used it often, I followed my doctors advice and took mild meds to get me through the harderst times and I devoted myself to my son. We told my then 8 yr old son who is disabled about the divorce one Saturday morning and the following Monday I took him to see one of his doctors for a routine visit and we were both told he would need major surgery on his leg. It was a pretty tough 3 days on him to say the least. The next summer the same surgery was done on his other leg. We both survived all of it together and that is what you will do Nick. You will keep your daughters closer than you have ever in their whole life, you will be the only one they can trust and will trust and they will look to you for strength and clues as to how their lives will be in this new world they find themselves in.

 

Focus on your children and everything they need and in a few months you will see that what they needed is what you needed too.

 

Please keep posting, it will help

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Hey guys,

So I'm looking into purchasing the house I'm currently leasing. It's important to me that the kids have stability as things have been turned upside down enough. Got together with the bank and they say, well, you should have no problems getting into the house with what you make. Then we crunch the numbers against the truckload of spousal maintenance that I pay. Then they say, well, it's gonna be tight, let's look at other things. One of those things is a couple of loans for my exes car and motorcycle that I co-signed for. So I explained the situation to my ex and asked if it's be possible for her to finance those on her own and get my name off of them. She had mentioned that she had the papers to do so a couple months back (I didn't ask her to do this) and she wanted me to sign them so I thought it would be a shoe in. After explaining the situation, she came at me with, "You don't pay any alimony, in fact you should be paying me more than what you do (her number was like 25% more) in just child support so you got a hell of a deal. Then she says I had a choice. Either be ignored for another 20 years like your mother or move on. Now, I usually leave this stuff alone and don't argue over it so I said, go to the state department of human resources, here is the website. Punch in what I make a month, then go ahead and punch in what a yoga instructor makes a month as potential income (she instructs yoga 2 days a week basically for free). I said go ahead and do that and tell me I don't pay alimony (number comes out to a little more than 1/3 of what I pay). She then tells me, "I'm not as stupid as you always think I am, I'm trying to get on my own feet so I don't have to depend on it and that I should be happy that she's trying so hard instead of going and making fun of her efforts". Told her that I'm not making fun of your efforts and I am proud of what she is trying to accomplish but I'm not going to be threatened or assumed a deadbeat by numbers that are pulled out of your ass. I mean, I pay more than other guys that make more than I do. Geez...it's extremely difficult financially. She then proceeds on playing nice and attempting to help. Even giving me advice on purchasing the house. It was actually kinda nice. Afterword, I said "I appreciated your time today. Thanks." She then says, "I would like to see you be happy. Something you were not with me. You were content but not happy. So it would be nice for you to have the house until the kids are of at least driving age." I honestly don't confront or defend against these types of comments when she says them. She also has said things like, "I use to be so much in love with you" or "Be honest with yourself, you were not in love with me" amongst other things. When she knew I started dating, she said she was happy I was moving on. I don't know how to make sense of the things she says and she mixes them with business. When I ignore it, she tells me to stop ignoring her. God... 2 1/2 years of this crap. It's taken a long time to get a schedule down with her and the kids. I didn't want to have contact as much with her like she did. I'm trying to move on after SHE pulled the trigger and said done. And quite honestly, even though I've dated quite a bit, met some really great woman, a couple even told me they loved me, which scared the heck out of me, I still have feelings for my ex. She's still the girl in my dreams... Trying hard for that to not be the case. I get to the point where I'm feeling awesome then get knocked back. Just trying to make sense of things. Feel like I'm sitting in limbo sometimes...

[waffle]

To be fair, there is a difference between spousal support/alimony, and child support, and how they're classified does matter. For one, child support is taxable to you and tax-free to her; and spousal support is taxable to her and deductible to you. Agreeing to pay extra child support over and above what the state formula calls for is not the same thing as paying spousal support.

 

My Ex and I don't communicate, which is in keeping with how it was during the marriage. These days, all communicating and I do mean ALL communicating is done through our youngest (middle-school age). I'm becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with this. Just a short while ago kid texted me "dad is picking me up" (from school). Not quite sure how to address this. I am the custodial parent, I have sole custody and he has visitation rights, what is appropriate here? He swings back and forth; he goes weeks where he wants nothing to do with the kids, then all-of-a-sudden he's in the picture constantly and I have the kids telling me what he's going to do. I fault the Friend of the Court official who sat there in our initial meeting a month after I filed and just casually said for us to figure it all out on our own and FoC would prefer not to be involved, and good luck. I sat there with my mouth literally hanging open, and Ex was deliriously happy because he interpreted that as "I can do whatever I want and Waffle can F* off" which was the theme of our entire marriage anyway so why should the divorce be any different? Annoys me to no end that I'm still being pushed around by him. I know it's because I'm still afraid of him on some level, which annoys me further because there's no reason for it. His power over me is and always was illusory--I know this. I wish I knew what the hell was/is wrong with me!! It's very unlike me to put up with this from anyone, much less from someone I don't even like. Again, I know it's a fear thing and it's something I'll have to be more aware of and work on. Some progress: he's been out of the house 4 months (divorced for 5 months) and I will say that I very rarely have that instant sense of dread when I hear the garage door start to open (which these days is my young adult daughter coming home from work or school). In fact, it's only happened once in the past six weeks or so. In the beginning I would literally say out loud to myself "it's not him. You changed the code on the garage door opener. So it's not him." Panic attacks in general stopped the day I moved out of the bedroom; I had two during the divorce proceedings whereas I used to have 2 - 4 per day during the last three years or so of the marriage. I have had exactly zero since D was final.

[benga]

Jeff - you will learn. If you have read and learnt from this thread, it is really to avoid "engaging" with your exW/WAS. Take the high road, and stop yourself from getting knocked around. It is easier said than done, but one day you will take the high road and her actions/reactions wont bother you any more. You are still raw and your feelings for her being around dont make things any easier. Expect nothing from her, you will be more peaceful..

[Jeffbobo]

Jeff - you will learn. If you have read and learnt from this thread, it is really to avoid "engaging" with your exW/WAS. Take the high road, and stop yourself from getting knocked around. It is easier said than done, but one day you will take the high road and her actions/reactions wont bother you any more. You are still raw and your feelings for her being around dont make things any easier. Expect nothing from her, you will be more peaceful..

 

This week has been difficult for some reason. She does not let me forget how I neglected her. It botheres me still. She haunts my dreams. We came from absolutely nothing when we were married and I worked to become very successful in my career. She stayed at home. We worked hard building a farm from the ground up. All by hand, doing all the work myself and with her. This farm was her dream. One of my dreams this week was of the last project I did for her. I built eight 4x8 raised bed flower beds, excavating them into the side of a hill, hauling in black dirt by hand to fill them. She looked so good working in them in her long sundress with her long brunet hair blowing in the breeze. It is true that I neglected her as a woman over time. Reasons for that are complex but it was replaced with hard work and devotion. I honestly loved her very much and believed she was worth all of this. Worked very hard to provide an environment she could feel safe and flourish in. I know where I went wrong. I've had over two years to reflect. I just don't need her continually reminding me of what I did wrong. God man... She wanted the divorce, said it could not be fixed so I gave it to her. I don't let up that the things she says bother me in hopes they'll go away and that has been my strategy. What is there to gain by her continually saying these things to me? Is it to justify her position she has taken? Something else? I don't understand. I'd be for reconciling slowly if that's what it was otherwise I just wish she would stop so I can continue to heal and move on.

[lostandhurt]

Jeff,

 

I know what Benga told you sounds good but seems pretty hard to do. It can be done but it takes effort and patience. You need to forgive yourself for your shortcomings as a husband. I too worked my butt off to give her "what she wanted" and then you are blamed for working to much.

 

The reason she keeps bringing up your part in the divorce is because she is still convincing herself what she did was the right thing to do. How else can she deal with her choice?

 

For you to truly move on you need to stop looking at her the way you do. She isn't that woman any longer but you still see her that way. Seeing things clearly is not always easy but with pratice and brutal honesty with yourself it can be done.

 

Looking back can only cause you problems. If you are climbing stairs (your new life) but you keep looking behind you to all those great steps you walked on (your old life) there is a very good chance you will trip and fall and possibly even roll down a flight and then you have to dust yourself off and start again. I am not beating you up for it, I did the same thing and that is why I know. Once I stopped looking back at the good ole days my today seemed better, my tomorrows looked brighter.

 

Trying to make sense of what she says and does is really not a good idea. Sometimes it is non-sense that she is just throwing at you hoping it will stick. If you allow it to stick is it her fault or yours? It would be easier if they were ugly and mean all the time or nice and pleasant all the time so you would know what to expect but they aren't. Like Benga said "if you don't expect anything from her your life will be peaceful" You wish she would stop so you can heal and move on and I get that but you need to accept that she isn't going to just stop. She wants to keep punishing you and show that divorcing you was the right thing to do. She wants vindication at your expense.

 

Good luck on the house. Having something that is all yours to tinker on will be good for you. Get creative with the loan if you have to. Go 40 year term just to get in and later when things ease up financially you can refi it to a shorter term.

 

Keep us posted on your progress.

 

It has been over 5 years for me and I still have some problems with the ex from time to time. My son (14 yrs old) is now experiencing some problems with her. He is very much like me in a lot of ways and it really ticks her off. I apoligize to him frequently for that but then I smile real big and put my arm around him and tell him "better you than me buddy" he laughs and says "real nice dad, thanks a lot" It does get easier Jeff...

 

Best wishes

Lost

[waffle]

I will give my Ex credit for one thing . . . he has not (to my knowledge) ever been condescending behind my back to the kids.

 

I heard from one of my older kids that dad sat them down as the divorce was coming to a close, and asked them if they had any questions. My youngest asked him why we were getting a divorce. I was curious as to the answer he gave; I wanted to hear his version of why *I* filed for divorce. Now, I had already explained to them as best I could without badmouthing him (although they aren't stupid, they heard mom being abused frequently and on two occasions saw it, so the divorce was a surprise to none of them) but I guess Youngest wanted Ex's view and I think that's valid. He simply told the child (in the child's words as it was relayed to me), "your mom has changed and is not the same as she used to be."

 

Honestly, that's the best answer he could've given. It was mostly factual . . . I HAD changed and I now had the confidence to pursue a better life for myself. He didn't give the child a list of my faults or talk about how awful I am/was and he didn't ridicule me or anything like that. So I do give him credit for taking the high road in that case.

[Jeffbobo]

So here I sit... It's Friday night, 7:00. Just got home from work. Company reported poor financials, with poorer financials projected, we recently went through layoffs, which I survived, work is piling on due to RIF, longer hours, will I have my job, attempting to get into the house I'm leasing and that I'm still not sure I'm approved for, friend from the divorced men's group just took his life due to loosing hope, can barely afford to put food on the table for my kids, trying so hard to make things nice for them, one of my daughters recently made some comments that I know could have only come from my ex, I attempt to have a cordial conversation with my ex wife which turns into her blaming me for the holacost and it continues as I type. But I'm also receiving texts from a girl I've been seeing sweetly asking me if I'd like to go dancing... Let's see... I don't drink so the bottle is out of the question. Don't do any drugs, not even prescriptions... I could go work out... Dancing sounds like fun though...

 

Lost and Benga, you both make total sense. Very wise advice. I have learned and am still learning to step away from the situation and not let it bother me. I heard a saying from another guy recently, quoted from the Greatful Dead that goes, "It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you". Pretty good approach I think. Later boys, I'm going dancing.

[nick66]

Jeff, you're doing what I did early on when I found out she wanted a divorce. I placed all of the blame on myself because she said it was my fault. I came to realize that no, while I wasn't perfect, the decisions she made were just that, her decisions. I finally confronted her and said it was wrong of her to blame me. She actually agreed and said that it was her decisions that ruined our marriage.

 

My relationship with my wife is opposite of your ex, as we still get along great. I sometimes wonder about it, and I think a lot of it has to do with guilt on her part. I would still rather us get along than to hate each other however. I find myself more and more looking forward to her moving out, as I know that as long as we live together I'll never really start healing.

 

I'm going to hate my kids leaving, however they will be living no more than a 5 minute drive from my house. They will be able to come stay with me whenever they want to, as she has said she would never keep the kids from me.

 

I think if I'm honest about my feelings towards her, I know that I don't love her as my wife anymore, that the love I feel for her is because she's the mother of our three kids. She has ruined everything in our marriage and I know that I would never again want a relationship with her. I am in love with the woman I married, not the woman she is now.

 

I'm really to the point where I have no feelings one way or another anymore. I'm just numb to everything and am just going through the daily motions of life. I hate it and I just want to get on with my life. I mean we go through the motions of husband and wife but know that it's coming to an end soon. The holidays I think will be difficult for me, knowing their the last as a family together.

 

Stay strong Jeff and just take it day by day. I find out I have more problems whenever I start thinking about the future than if I just try and focus on today.

[lostandhurt]

Jeff,

 

I hope dancing was fun. All to many times when these types of bad things happen we wall ourselves off from the rest of the world to lick our wounds and when dong so we start to forget that there is a whole big world out there full of life's simple pleasures.

 

After I pulled my head out of my butt I had a saying anytime anyone would invite me somewhere. It was "When and Where" because I knew I needed to enjoy MY life once again and not make excuses or find reasons to not go.

 

Sorry to hear your friend took his life. Such a terrible thing but I can see how some may feel there is no way to make their life better.

 

Here is a good one for you guys. My ex decided not to have Thanksgiving this year at all. My ex sister in law is pissed and vented to me about it. I invited her to ours as well as her mother and brother. I don't know if they will come but I would love to have them there and my son would be thrilled. Was I surprised? Not really...

 

Lost

[nick66]

I'm hoping that once I'm on my own I won't just sit around the house doing nothing. I l know I'll have to make myself get out even though I know I won't feel like it. There are quite a few things I can do around the house so I might just do that for awhile.

 

I just have no desire to go out, especially going out and meeting someone new. I just don't have any desires for women right now. It's weird because I can look at another woman and not feel anything, it's like I don't even care right now.

 

I'm at peace with my divorce, but I think I still struggle with the why.

 

We'll be going to her families house for Thanksgiving and I'm supposed to act like we're a happy, married couple because she hasn't told her parents yet. I don't think she'll tell them until next year, after the holidays are over.

 

Going to be a difficult time being with the kids knowing it's our last together as a family.

[lostandhurt]

Hey Nick,

 

I have an idea that worked very well for me. Make a list. A list of all the things you need to do and want to do. Post it where you can easily see it walking around the house. It will be a great reminder and keep you focused and busy.

 

Reach out to friends as well. They really want to help but don't know how so make it easy on them by calling them up or inviting them over. The tendency when the kids are away is to curl up and lick your wounds but the best medicine is to take care of all the stuff you need to so when they are back you can devoted all your attention towards them and have fun.

 

I did an Easter where everyone knew but the kids. So her family and my family were all at our house pretending. It was awkward to say the least. If your children know how is she going to keep them from telling her parents?

 

Lost

[waffle]

Sad.

 

Last year I filed for divorce the day before my birthday, which happens to be in-between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Since I had already informed Spouse a few weeks before Thanksgiving that I was going to be filing for D, and the kids knew too because mom had moved out of the bedroom that same day and I was completely up-front as to why, there was no pretending to be done. My extended family was kept apprised the whole step of the way so I never put myself in the position where I had to lie to them, but apparently Spouse was in denial still because when he showed up to Christmas at his family's without me, they were confused as to where I was. And he still didn't tell them. Pretending nothing was going on and all was normal seemed unhealthy to me, not to mention silly. Delaying the truth makes it harder, I've always found (I found this out first-hand when I finally told my church. My advice? Be up-front and clear; don't hide and don't pretend because the longer you pretend and deny, the harder that makes it when the truth does come out). So we started the separate holidays immediately, and it went exceptionally well. No one was uncomfortable. This year we've already got it hammered out--Thanksgiving at this place, Christmas Eve at this place, Christmas Day at this place, etc. It is so much less stressful than when we were together! And kids are SOOOO much more resilient than we give them credit for. We adults are the ones that make it more complicated than it needs to be, trust me. When you're open to redefining the family unit and keeping a "normal" for the kids that is similar to what they're already used to, things tend to work out for the best.

[nick66]

Hello all, I hope that everybody is doing well. I continue to go through the daily ups and downs of how I feel. Like I said earlier, I've accepted the divorce but I just struggle with the why at at times.

 

The family and I went out to dinner Saturday night and did some shopping, and at times it hits me that this is all coming to an end very soon. I don't really know how to explain it, but when I'm with her I just feel like "when is this going to be all over?" I just want to get it done and have her get her own place. Now, with that being said, I still enjoy her company and we get along great. I know that I won't really start to fully heal until she's gone, but I just hate that my kids have to go as well.

 

My oldest daughter has said that she would rather live with me, but that she needs to be there for her sister and brother. I have told her that I'm proud of her for thinking that way, that I too want her to be there for her sister and brother when they really need her. I won't be but 5 minutes away so I'll always be close.

 

It's funny, I told my wife that i'll miss her cooking and she said that she could still come by at times and cook for me. I just said okay, but that's something I feel won't work for me. I want our friendship to remain strong, just like it is now, but I just can't have her coming by the house and hanging around. I don't know, maybe I'll feel differently in a few months.

 

I have a feeling that we'll be living together for at least a month or two after the divorce is final, which is okay I guess. We have already told each other that we won't be going out or dating, which I wasn't planning on doing anyway.

 

Lost, as far as what happens if the kids slip up at Thanksgiving, well, I kind of hope they do. I'm sure their mother will tell them not to mention anything though, so we'll see what happens.

[benga]

Great to hear from you Nick... Hang in there.. You were getting close(er) to closure last time around, and got sucked right back in. I hope you are being cautious of that not happening again.. ie days before the divorce, she comes back and begs for another chance etc etc...

 

I feel for you. Having to see and interact with the person you still have "some feelings" for isnt easy.. You are going to remain in touch.. just are you are, but under a different roof.. it isnt going to be easy. You are layed with multiple band aids at the moment and it would actually be the best if you were able to remove them all together.. But based on how this will play out, I fear, that you will have to remove them one by one, and it will take the process of healing and recovery much longer.

 

Hold your head high my friend. .You are an honorable and a good man... Your children are lucky to have a man like you as their father.. You have the right attitude, this will serve you well in the long run....

[nick66]

Good to see you back benga, I always appreciate your insight.

 

You're right, last time I was 7 days from my divorce being final and I was in a good place as far as acceptance. I gave her a second chance because of not only the kids, but because I really loved her and hoped we could make it work. When she didn't put in 100%, and told me she give me what I needed when I was hurting, that was it for me.

 

I do not fear her asking to come back, not that she will, but for me my marriage is over. While I have love for her, I am no longer in love with her as my wife. I'm able to interact with her on a daily basis because I still care for her, I'll always care for her.

 

I found this quote around here somewhere and I read it along with others whenever I'm feeling down.

 

"She's not worth it. Anyone who inflicts that much deep pain, hurt, and mistrust on you is not worth the good in you. Your life is a gift. She's proven herself undeserving of the gift that is you."

 

I will always try and treat her with respect, deserving or not, because she is the mother of our children. I will never badmouth her or talk negatively about her in front of the kids.

 

I do think that once she moves out I will feel incredibly relieved and lonely at the same time. It will be hard being alone after having her by my side everyday for 16 years. I'm not ashamed to say that I know I'll miss her, and that I'm sure I'll have days where I will just break down. I look forward to better days, although right now that seems very far away.

 

Thanks for the kind words benga, they mean a lot to me.

[nick66]

Something else I wanted to say. I'm at a point where I don't want to be married to my wife, yet in some way I wish I had the woman I married again. I know that woman is gone, never to return. I could never trust my wife again, and I can't be with someone I can't trust.

 

The thought of dating again, and just really going through everything required of dating, is just so unappealing to me right now. I can't even look at another woman and think about dating or anything else. I think my wife just killed everything inside of me. She killed my love, my trust, everything. I feel so dead inside, that at times I just feel like I can't go on. I try my best to stay strong because my kids need me, and I would never do anything to leave their side.

 

I have asked God what in the world did I do to deserve all this pain? I wish I knew the answer, because as those here know the pain is unbearable at times.

[lostandhurt]

Nick

 

The limbo you are in is no picnic that is for sure. You know what is going to happen and it will not be pleasant but you have to wait for it. It would be better to just rip that band aid off fast and get it over with but circumstances do not allow that. It must suck.

 

I couldn't wait for my ex to find a place and move out. Funny she was in such a hurry to throw our marriage away but drug her feet finding a place. I don't miss those days that is for sure!

 

With my son I have tried my best to be reliable, safe and consistent. He knows he can count on me and I will never let him down. I include him in decisions that affect him and when possible let him decide what he wants to do. We are so close that it is pretty seamless now. I never tried to sway him to want to stay with me more but doing everything I mentioned has made that happen. He really doesn't trust his mother and knows she has lied to him frequently. Your stbx has already started that by telling your children to lie to their grandparents. The walk away hides behind lies because they don't want to face the truth. Be the good man/father you are and in time you will see a migration towards you. It may not be physical at first but it will be emotional.

 

I have been angry at God many times in my life and asked just what you asked. I can tell you one thing that will come out of all this. A man that started this pretty darn good but will come out the other side a better everything. Better Father, son and man. Benga and myself are not the men we once were. We took this opportunity to learn and grow and so will you. There are many great books out there that get a guy thinking about the way he used to see things or the way he used to react to things. This experience will for sure re-focus you onto what is really important in life. The death of anything usually does that doesn't it? and your marriage did die.

 

I can tell as can Benga that you are a good man that will become more than you are. In time you will feel different and things will look better but it will take time. Dating and dealing with all that crap takes thick skin and patience and a clear mind. There is no rush to that for sure. When you do you will see in time you have a lot to offer and hopefully you will find someone special.

 

You are now no longer a husband which gives you more time to be the very best single dad you can be and I have a very good feeling you will excel at your new job.

 

It will get easier and the bad days will get farther apart little by little. This I promise...

 

Lost

[nick66]

Lost, at this point I'm still a husband to her. I still wear my wedding ring and will do so until our divorce is final. I will remain faithful to her and continue to treat her with respect and try to be as happy as I can be around her, even when at times I'm feeling pretty sad inside.

 

I'm sure she'll tell the kids not to say anything, but in a way I'm kind of hoping one of them will slip up and say something. I don't know, maybe not. I just want to get through all of this and get on with my life. I'm not sure when that will be, January or February I suppose.

 

It's funny, even after everything that's happened between us, I don't hate her. She insists that after she's gone I will begin to resent and hate her. I hope that won't happen, I would like to remain friends for our kids. I have a feeling that once she's gone, that she will want to continue having sex, and possibly staying over whenever I have the kids. I haven't said anything to her, but once she's gone I'm done with that. I can't give her that part of me anymore.

 

It's weird, after my 1st divorce, at around age 30 or so, I went out and slept with as many women as I could. Now, at age 47, that's something I could care less about. I want a relationship based on love and trust, someone who means everything to me. I had that for the first 15 years of this marriage, but all that disappeared during this past year. Even after we got back together it just wasn't the same for me.

 

I would tell her how much I loved her, but at the same time I would ask myself if I really did. What we had just died, and it's such a shame because we get along so damn good. She says that we'll always be great friends, and I guess we will. Like I 've mentioned before, I've accepted my marriage is over, and I've pretty much fallen completely out of love with her. My biggest problem still is the why.

 

I've already sat down with the kids, well my daughters anyway, and told them once they move out I will start repainting their rooms and fixing them up however they want them. My son, 9, doesn't know yet that we are again divorcing. I see no sense in ruining the holidays for him. I've got so many things planned for my house, I guess now I just have to figure out how to pay for it all.

 

Thanks for all the kind words.