Relationship With X

[hopingforbettr]

Gdude,

 

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet life is crazy busy right now! I'm glad the bike rides help and trust me there will be a time when you don't think about the ex at all. I've hit that point never even a single thought for a week and the only reason I thought about her was mothersday and the kids schedule. I don't even think of her in a mother,wife or old girlfriend way anymore. She is nothing more then someone I know and have to deal with for my kids.

 

Keep working on you and everytime you think of her think of something else try hard!, forget about the sap that has to deal with her in the future. You have nothing to gain by having any contact with her or those in her life other then your children....

 

I will deal with the money end of things one way or another and don't really worry about it as I'll work it out, the nut job now has no control over my thoughts and its a wonderful feeling.

 

I can't get enough of seeing the new woman I met and the feeling is mutual! I'm looking into the much brighter future not the past and that is exactly what you need to do buddy! Take care and keep working on you and making your life better think about a new future without her in it and open all options in your brain, all of the options in any scenario, things you never thought possible but always wanted to try... Do It let her go! Think of the future for you and your children nothing else matters! your ex does NOT matter!!!! Take control of your life!!!!!

[lostandhurt]

Hey Guys,

 

It is good to see you all progressing so well. I have to say you all are doing better than I did in the beginning.

 

Still,

I could tell you stories of what my ex did and still does that would shock you. They loose some of the motherly instincts or something when they walk. Don't try and understand it or fix it, just protect your kids and move on. It is kind of funny but yesterday several people asked me if I got a mothers day card from my son since I am more of a mother to him than she is. I guess it is more sad than funny...

 

H4B,

 

I am glad you have met someome but I worry you haven't finished healing like you should before starting something new. Please be very careful so nobody gets hurt. Finding someome that has been thru this is a blessing for sure. Many people just can't understand when they hear the story.

 

Gdude,

 

I know how you feel and I understand your motives but you must let go of the past and what she did. I eventually let the truth come out all by itself. It has taken years but the truth has a way of finding its way into the open for all to know. The number one thing is you know the truth and even if she tries to rewrite everything she knows the truth deep down inside and has to carry that with her all her life.

Telling the new guy what he is in for is a bad idea like Still mentioned. Would you have listened to her ex if he came to you all those years ago and told you what she did to him and to run away as fast as you can? No you wouldn't, you would have thought he was trying to ruin her relationship to get even or to get her back. The best way to win this game is simply not to play. The high road is uphill all the way with plenty of potholes but once you reach the top it is well worth the journey.

 

I don't want to be Debbie downer for any of you but you need to know that since there are children involved you will always have to deal with your ex. it may be easy sometimes and frustrating others but you will have to do it. Even when your children are grown and moved out there will be times when you will have to deal with them one way or another. The steps you take now for yourself and your children will dictate how things go later on. Please remember that your children watch you closely to see how you deal with her and they may pattern their behavoir on yours.

 

I myself still make mistakes and struggle when she pulls some sort of crap. I am a work in progress for sure...

 

best wishes to you all

 

Lost

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Holy smokes do I have an update!!! I'd love to be reporting that I have found a job, but so far nothing has come up. Prayers are welcomed. I'll keep doing my part.

 

Okay, here goes: This is some C-R-A-Z-Y stuff. As you all know, I have been doing a terrific job staying in NC with my xW over the past couple/ few weeks, turning my focus to the job search & my girls.

 

Well, last weekend was Mother's Day & not a peep from me. No card. No call, nothing, as it should be. I stopped by my MiL's & left a card, a present, and visited with her & my SiL who's in from out of state.

 

Recently, my x has been texting me out of the blue wanting to know what in the world she did to make me act so weird towards her. I guess ignoring her is weird to her.

 

I suppose it is, because I have been worshiping the ground she walked on as soon as I met her, all throughout the 13 yr marriage, after her affair, & I even pined over her after we were D'd, hoping she's "wake up" one day & want me back.

 

Well, even though she should be happy as a clam with all the $$$ from the D, a BF of 9 months, and the freedom to live without kids when I have them so she can go out clubbing or hanging w/ her BF like a couple who doesn't have kids, she is acting angry towards me in her unsolicited texts.

 

When I went to pick up the girls from my MiL's more than a week ago, I noticed she was still there, so to avoid having to see her, I drove around the block a few times to wait for her to leave. As I sat at the stop sign at the end of the block, she drove by. I rec'd a text from her saying that I am waiting in the shadows for her to leave and that it's "too weird for her, man". Naturally I did not reply.

 

So, what's the big news:

 

Yesterday I was heading over to visit with her MiL & SiL who's in town from out-of-state and I get an incredibly long text from her out-of-the-blue. Therein she states that she is 100% certain that I have been reading the text messages from her phone!!!

 

Can someone say Bat $hi@ Crazy!

 

She went on to say that it was a federal & state crime and that I could get prison time for this felony. She asked me why I would want to torture myself with knowing her text messages & that we have been divorced over a year & this invasion of her privacy has to stop. She said she didn't want to see the Father of her children end up in prison.

 

Dear Lord the cheese has slid off her cracker!!

 

Now, way back over 1.5 years ago when we were still married & I found out about her affair, I took her phone (in my name) and hooked it to a computer to retrieve the sexting messages with her affair partner (she knew I did this). But I have zero access to her new phone, so she's just NUTS!!!

 

What could be fueling this insanity? Well, she is definitely a full blown narcissist. She cannot handle me finally moving on and not being obsessed with her. Narcissist's will NOT be ignored. And, there's the NC over Mother's Day. During the past 12 MDay's I showered her with incredible presents and even 1 month after our D last year, I sent her a beautiful card with a 2-paged heartfelt note and she responded with a text thanking me for making her feel so special all those years. She went on to say she was having a very "emotional" day. Boo-hoo. Decisions have consequences. She wanted the D.

 

Ok, what else is going on in her life. Lots. She is stressing over her real estate exams (she passed one, flunked another), re-entering the workforce full-time after 10 years, and who knows/ cares if her 9 month relationship is on the rocks or not. Heck, even if it's going strong, maybe she's stressing over the possibility of getting married and dealing with a blended family of 5 kids!!

 

Whatever she's dealing with, she's definitely wracking her pea brain trying to figure out why I went from encouraging her & helping her with her real estate to cutting her out completely.

 

It's called finally getting that you are an adulteress, selfish POS who is not worthy of my continued attention & I'm finally moving on.

 

So, I was heading over to my MiL's when I rec'd the text, & I read it to her & my SiL when I got there. I must confess I was not amused. I had some choice words about my xW, calling her a few names, & reminded them both that her affair ruined our marriage & our girls chances for a better upbringing, etc. You have to understand that they both do not condone what my xW did & they have always adored me.

 

After I calmed down a little, I stated that although it would be hard for me, I needed to cut ties with them as well. If I am to heal, I have to move on completely. Both my MiL & my SiL were in tears. It was sad. My SiL walked with me as I left begging me to reconsider. She said she loved me and I have been a great BiL, that she hates what her sister did to ruin our family and she wanted me to stay in contact with her & her Mom.

 

I kissed/ hugged them goodbye & only said that maybe someday, a year plus down the road when I have completely healed, that I may reach out to them again.

 

Well, I never dignified her nutty text with a response/ denial, but I did ask her to never contact me ever again and to make all contact through Our Family Wizard. I told her I was going to block her from my phone. Just before blocking her, she sent me one final text stating that she wasn't going to do anything (press charges?)about my reading her texts but she just wanted it to stop. She said she only wanted the best for me & wished me luck on my job search. Aww, so sweet.

 

Wow is all I can say. She's certifiable!

 

Now, if someone did hack/ jailbreak her iPhone, it certainly wasn't me. Her BF is an engineer, so who knows. I have no earthly idea why she would say she is 100% certain she knows I am reading her texts. Just beyond weird. First off, it's just not true.

 

I guess her brain just couldn't grasp that I was indeed finally done with her.

 

Anybody have any ideas how/ why she could have come up with such nonsense??

 

This weird episode really doesn't change too much for me. I'm continuing to focus on the job search. Actually, I am more inclined to look out-of-state now. I'd hate to see my girls only a couple times a year, but not having to interact with Ms. Nut-job has tremendous appeal.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Stillwanther is now ABetterLifeAwaits.

 

I changed my username to something that more accurately reflects my current mindset & focus. I no longer want my ex. Even though I grieved the loss of the person I thought she was when I first met her & we shared our hopes, dreams, children, & life together, it's time to move on.

 

I still have some healing to do, but I am far more focused on the great life I know God wants for me & not what I lived through with a selfish, narcissistic, cheater who could care less about me, our children, and their future as long as she was free to pursue her self-centered "happiness". Many of my friends have told me recently that I seem to have finally found my balls (marbles).

 

Here are a few video clips that put this into perspective:

 

Here's me before, during, & after my marriage:

 

Here's me now:

 

Listen to what Toodles says as he flies away... Seize the Day!!

 

And what Peter says at the very end of clip 2: To live...to live will be an awfully big adventure! So true.

 

Time to start living again.

[calichick007]

What kind of woman wouldn't want to be with her young children on her bday? Obviously a selfish, narcissistic one. She either doesn't realize that the girls look fwd to celebrating with her, or she doesn't care. Yikes, what a train wreck!

 

I don't see the big deal about this at all. Many adults, even those who are married, opt to celebrate their birthdays without their children. Lots of people I know in my age bracket who have children get a babysitter so that they can go out or away for their birthdays... I certainly would, if my children were not infants and it was just a night out or a quick weekend away and I had a trusted family member to keep an eye on the children. I'd like to think that wouldn't make me a horrible/unfit mom.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't see the big deal about this at all. Many adults, even those who are married, opt to celebrate their birthdays without their children. Lots of people I know in my age bracket who have children get a babysitter so that they can go out or away for their birthdays... I certainly would, if my children were not infants and it was just a night out or a quick weekend away and I had a trusted family member to keep an eye on the children. I'd like to think that wouldn't make me a horrible/unfit mom.

 

Totally agree. If it were up to me, my birthday wouldn't be celebrated at all.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Calichick & pl3easehelp, I always respect your insight. There's all kinds of people in the world; family-types, non-family types, and everybody in-between. My point was that my kids always looked forward to celebrating our birthdays together as a family. You're both right. If it has never been something that your family did together, then there's nothing wrong with getting a sitter, etc. & celebrating without them.

 

I should have considered that not everyone is like our family used to be. My bad. My girls are going through major changes by spending 80%+ with their Mom. She has decided to completely alter her parenting approach to the girls (and she has every right & I'm sure this happens after divorce). There's no sense in my getting upset or trying to fight it. I only see them 20%ish of the time and my way of raising them gets completely washed over when they go back to their mom's. Church only happens on the weekends I have them, they're on their own getting homework done, etc., etc.

 

It's just the way it is. I have to accept it. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.

[guitardude]

Lost,

I'm at the point now where I don't even care to see her or talk to her. My kids know that. She does the same thing to me, and the kids know that too. If I have something to give to her, I will give it to the kids for them to take to her. I remember one time about 3 weeks ago when she was waiting in the driveway to pick up the kids and I had some mail to give her. One of my boys said "she's right outside". I just told him that I didn't want to see her. They have a pretty good idea of what she did. A conversation came up the other day and the topic of me getting back together with my EX came up. I told them "No, I could never get back together with Mom because of what she did to me". I believe they understood.

 

My days are getting better. I have had 3 really good days in a row. I told Paul that it's a feeling of peace coming from inside. I think I've made remarkable progress since the 3 months since I kicked her out. There's no way it's going to take me 2 - 6 years to heal. I give it another 6 months.

[lostandhurt]

ABLA,

 

In the early stages of divorce when the children are uncertain how their lives will be going it is very important to include them as much as possible in each parents life so they do not think they are being forgotten or replaced. It isn't what the parent having the birthday wants it is how the children will feel if left out of something they were always part of. Their world has been torn apart so trying to keep as much normalcy as possible as they adjust to all the new in their lives is extremely important.

She is selfish and has proven that over and over again so please stop trying to figure her out. The other crap is just that, CRAP to throw at you to see what sticks. Don't be surprised if this kind of thing comes up from time to time.

 

I too backed away from my ex's family so there would be less drama. Unfortunately my son suffered because of it. I have known them for over 20 years and my son saw and spoke to them frequently during the marriage but after the ex made little to no effort to keep him close to her family. I reached out to them after some time had passed and now I am their main contact with my son. Vacations to go visit them are planned through me, phone calls and emails come to my house not hers. My ex's family is now starting to give up trying but they do not want loose contact with my son so we ignore her and do what is best for my son. Of course she gets really mad when she hears that plans were made with her own family without her knowledge but she never makes an effort to do it herself.

 

This is the way it is and many just don't "get it" but that is okay. The children must be the primary focus after a divorce until they can adjust to the new life after the family they have always kown is gone.

 

Venting here is a good idea and I encourage you to continue. We have all been there...

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

gdude,

 

healing takes time and there is no timeframe any one follows. It is good that you are focused on getting better but it does take time to get clear. There will become a time when healing becomes growth. This growth comes from all the hard earned knowledge you gained going through this terrible time in your life.

 

Moving past the anger and pain and into your new life is a beautiful thing. I am not the man I once was which is funny because she told me "you will never change" but what she did and what I did after did change me into a better person and father. Maybe someday I will thank her....... Probably NOT!

 

It took me a year to get good and then I didn't date for another year. Time well spent on me and my relationship with my son.

 

The funny thing about the path you are on is that although you know where you want to go the path only shows you a glimpse of what is ahead like there is a fog or haze keeping you from seeing. This is actually a good thing because it keeps you focused on today and tomorrow not what might happen in the future. Keeping expectations low is always best but we often do the opposite don't we? We expect better from our ex's and when they pull some crazy selfish crap we get ticked off, we expect that after all this time we would be doing better and when we have a couple of bad days in a row we feel like a we haven't come as far as we had hoped. This is human nature for some reason. Learning about your own ego and how it affects our everyday life is a big help. It helped me anyways and still does.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[Lester]

I too backed away from my ex's family so there would be less drama. Unfortunately my son suffered because of it. I have known them for over 20 years and my son saw and spoke to them frequently during the marriage but after the ex made little to no effort to keep him close to her family. I reached out to them after some time had passed and now I am their main contact with my son.

 

Humility and strength beyond earthly explanation.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

NC is underrated! I've had a relatively drama free month. NC is driving my narc ex nuts. She sent me the following msg through Our Family Wizard (I've blocked her cell).

 

"When and if you are ever ready to talk after you have calmed down, I am willing. I know you are mad but you won't be mad forever. That's not you. Remember, the kids..."

 

I feel like a huge emotional burden has been lifted from me. She "has" to have contact with me. Sorry, I'm done...finally. Praise God I am finally free of my emotional hell. I'm a little sad about the loss of my family, the dreams we had, the awesome life that could have been, but I realize it was her, not me. I tried everything & she wanted a different life. I sleep much better these days.

[lostandhurt]

Thanks Lester but I have a long way to go...

 

I learn more and more about myself and why I react or think the way I do all the time.

 

 

It is a good feeling knowing that I have come so far and that it is noticed.

 

Thank you

Lost

[lostandhurt]

ABLA,

 

It seems they need to stay in contact or feel like they have some control over you for some strange reason. NC has always been for you and I am glad it is working so well.

I am not so sure any WAS knows what they want, they just know what they do not want. They say things like "I want to be happy" but have no idea what will bring them happiness and joy. They fill their lives with superficial friends, things and activities while leaving their old lives behind. Sometimes sadly enough that means children as well.

It sounds like your life is becoming yours once again. I know the feeling and it is pretty nice after what you have been through. There is a life after the death of your marriage and it will be better than you could imagine.

 

Lost

[guitardude]

Well,

I had the kids this weekend and they had a soccer tournament about 1 1/2 hours from our house. My Ex wife had to work 12 hour night shifts this weekend at the hospital where she works, about the same distance away. I had a really good week last week overall. Better than I've ever felt so far. I've had NC with her for the last 4-5 days.

 

So imagine my shock when the Ex comes walking up to the soccer field at 8 a.m. I couldn't believe it. She hasn't been to a kids' event since January. Plus, she had just been up all night and worked 12 1/2 hours, driven down 1 1/2 hours, watched the first game, then drove back 1 1/2 hours back to her house. She probably got 5 hours sleep tops. She did that for both days.

 

That really set me back. Totally unexpected. I asked her what she was doing here. "I thought you were working this weekend". She walked right by me, gave me a really dirty look, and didn't say a word. I lost it and called her a ****. She just kind of smirked back at me. Felt good at the time, but as the day went on, I regretted saying it. I was really bummed out that she was there at the same time as I was.

 

 

Called my buddy last night when I returned home and told him. He said "No, don't think like that. That's great that she showed up. It means she's finally thinking about the kids. You've won. See, you've set the bar so high as a Father, always being there for your children, that now she probably has a sense of guilt and is trying hard to live up to your standards. This is a good thing".

 

He's right. I recall that the kids told me last week that she cooked them fish for dinner. She usally makes something quick, like hot dogs or tacos. I did the vast majority of the cooking when we were married, and cooked all kinds of stuff. I guess she is trying to step up to the plate. I wonder how long that's going to last? Here's why I ask this question.

 

When I saw her, she looked used and worn out. With working 12 hour night shifts on her 'On' week, having the kids and dogs on her 'Off' week, and trying to shuffle her sex and party lifestyle, I guess I would be too. I can tell it's starting to take a toll on her. I felt like saying "Guess the single life is not all that it's cracked up to be". I wonder if she's starting to have some regrets?

 

She had some pepper spray on her keychain. My kids then told me that she has also been carrying a Taser for the last month. Man, she was never like that when we were married. My buddy said "That's cause she's scared. You were always there to protect her, and now she doesn't have that security anymore. She feels vulnerable". Maybe she screwed around with the wrong guy. Who knows. Anyway, he told me the best thing you can do is to be nice to her (I know, I've been told that a hundred times!), so last night I texted her "Thanks for taking the time to show up at the soccer tournament. The kids were really happy to see you". She texted me back "Ok".

 

With so much on her plate, I wonder if she's going to be able to keep this up? Or will it crack? If it does, which way?

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Ok man, here's my read. Continue to seek the high road. Please, no name-calling. The best thing you could have done is to say nothing (drives a narc crazy) or say a simple, hi. No text afterwards, etc. The more attention you pay her, the worse it will be for you emotionally when you don't get the reaction you hoped for. The only way to win that game is not to play.

 

She must pursue you. Period.

 

I did this like crazy too but you have to stop caring/ over-analyzing what she is thinking or why she does what she does. Let it go, brother. Let it go.

 

As far as ever talking to her about the single life being/ not being what she thought it would be or whether she has regrets. PLEASE don't ask her about this (or anything else, really). #1, it doesn't matter. #2, let her come to YOU. If she doesn't, then she's enjoying her life. If she does, let her apologize & ask for you back. Any attention is going to be viewed by her as pursuing behavior & you will get the opposite reaction... she will pull away. Trust me on this or learn the hard way.

 

As always, best of luck.

[benga]

Hi Guys

Been seeing the messages coming in every day, and glad to see that the first few waves of emotions are subsiding for the new(er) folks on this board. While this is journey and will continue to be one, what you might want to do a little more is to "stop" over analyzing the situation and "her".. You will be walking on eggshells if you keep thinking of what to say, how to say it and then analyzing what you said and why... it doesnt help you...

 

Also get the sense that even thought outwardly some of you are healing, and going through a typical "high", there is still some amount of hurt, yearing, longing for your ex wife - and if it is, it is perfectly normal. Trying to convincing oneself that we are happy, moving on, and that the past is behind us is very very normal. There will continue to a few "off" days and when they come, also remember that it is pefectly normal.

 

What isn't normal is your present relationship and how your ex wife is behaving. Selfishness, narcissicm, self-centered behavior cannot be dealt with normally. I remember one of our old friends on this board used to call it "brain damage" even attempting to deal with it... It is true. Don't try even thinking about what she is doing or why she is doing what she is doing.. It is very likely that even she doesnt know or understand most of it herself.. It is very likely she is unable to find logic in her own actions.. BUT all she knows is that YOU are the source of all the unhappiness in her life. PERIOD.. This is reality, the faster you accept it the better for you. The more you try to pursue her or care for her, the more her anger for you will realize itself..

 

Its takes YEARS (if you are lucky) for a WAS to start showing some semblance of normalcy (40%-50%). Unfortunately, alot of time would have passed by then, and too water would have flown under the bridge. She needs to be knocked around several times (WITHOUT YOU BEING AROUND) before some sort of light appears in front of her. Alot of her present actions are an escape from you and the life that she had with you - for whatever reason, for her, her life with you sucked. Whether we like it or not, agree if it or not, this is her reality...

 

My advice to you is not to deal with any of her issues.. Keep minimal contact for the sake of your kids (you must), take the high road, stay calm (no abusing), work on yourself, appear happy..... you will get there...

 

 

Lost - I am sure you have been wondering where your old friend Benga has been. I have been alright actually. Singapore is treating me / us really well. Work is good, T is happy, R has a new job which she is really enjoying.. Conflicts have nearly ceased, collective decision making is getting better, collaboration/cooperation is getting better... Sex could be better - but I think that is more my issue. I am still a little afraid of being completely vulnerable again, so I am not the affectionate, touch/feely person I once used to be.. I will get there too one day I am sure.. I still however see some selfish, self centered behaviour, but I also realise that she realizes that too... It is actually quite amazing how much 7 years changes us Hope you are doing well. PM me with details around whats going on with you? ....

 

Cheers

Benga

[lostandhurt]

Gdude,

 

I agree the name calling has to stop and you know it. If I were you I would apologize to her. Keep it simple and sincere. "I am sorry for calling you a b#%&* the other day, it was un-called for and I am sorry" The high road isn't an easy one but well worth it. Please try and keep your ego out of any interactions with her. We all have an ego and we all let it control us to some extent which is a very bad thing.

 

I would suspect she showed up mostly to mess with you and less to support your kids. She got what she wanted when you called her a name. If you think about it she didn't cause it, you allowed her presence to have control over your emotions and your life. Sometimes you almost have to be able to see into the future so you can stop yourself before you say or do something. I like to plan ahead if I think I will have deal with her in person. That way nothing is left to chance.....or emotional response.

Your friend is right that you have set the bar pretty high but don't get your hopes up that she will use that as a reason to be a better parent. Do what you do for pure motives which of course is your children and leave her to her messy life.

 

As you mentioned she isn't looking all that good and there are two reasons for that. 1. Is what you mentioned that she has bitten off a lot more than she can chew and things aren't what she thought they would be. 2. The deep love for her you once felt is faded so you see her as she really is. Love goggles are a magical thing that change our view of the person we love so much. We don't see the wrinkles or bags under the eyes, the extra weight, grey hair and other issues. We love them so much that we see the girl we fell in love with but once the love fades away the goggles fall off exposing reality.

 

There is still more anger in you than I know you would like to have. I still carry some with me so don't beat yourself up about it. Mine is fading but she tends to bring it back up from time to time and I have allowed it to happen. It is my problem not hers. Move past the anger, see it as it builds within you so you can do something about it before it controls your emotions and your life. Even if it ticks you off for a few hours, that is a few hours you could have spent happy or content. Life is far to short to waste on a selfish dysfunctional person you used to be married to isn't it?

 

Give some thought to saying you are sorry for the name calling. I think you will like the feeling once you do it.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Benga!

 

My old friend it is good to get an update from you.

 

It sounds like things are improving between you two and I am thrilled T is doing so well. What a long hard road you have traveled. I often wonder if your wife knows just how lucky she is to have you. Many men (including me) would have given up and put it all behind me long ago.

 

I know what you mean about totally trusting and being that vulnerable with her. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. I guess there is a big leap of faith you will have to take one day and basically put yourself all in. It must be tough...

 

I will PM you

 

Lost

[guitardude]

Hi guys,

Paul: Good talking to you again. Your insight is most welcome.

 

Benga: Thanks for your advice as well. It's always good to hear from a 'Veteran'.

 

Lost: You're absolutely right. I did talk to her last night when I talked to the kids and told her I didn't mean to call her a Sl*t. I do feel better after that.

 

I still think you guys are wrong that I have the typical WAW. She just called me as I was typing this. Sounded just like her normal self, as if we were still married. No bitterness or harshness in her voice at all. In fact, she was really accomodating to a couple of schedule changes that I wanted for myself. She didn't want anything for herself. She even told me that she had missed my daughter's gymnastics class yesterday because she was doing something else with the kids. "I hope you don't get mad" she said. I didn't. I said "No big deal, I'll get her there on Thursday". A month ago she would have never told me she screwed up or forgot something.

 

I think that she has been doing this for so long (starting at 19; she's 34 now), doing the same thing to every guy that's ever loved her and never looking back, that this is her 'normal' and it doesn't phase her. She told me last month "The better we get along, the better it is for the kids. I want us to have a good relationship with each other".

 

As long as I don't berate her or treat her badly, she treats me like she would any other person.

[lostandhurt]

Gdude,

 

There is no such thing as a typical WAS. It sounds like your ex has made it a lifestyle not something that happened after years of "normal" behavior.

 

She walked for no apperent reason and turned off her love for you like a switch and then acted like everything was fine and doesn't understand why you are so upset. Typical or not it is what you have to deal with.

 

For any WAS being friends with you is like proof what they did is not a bad thing. "Look everyone, we are best friends still so the divorce was for the best" It is how they cope with the things they have done that they do not want to admit to themselves hurt others and their children.

 

It is up to you how you react to her. She will seem friendly one day (it used to scare the crap out of me when my ex was friendly) and then the next the simplest thing will be a big deal.

Keep your life and your feeling secrets and deal with her on a minimal level. It will help you heal and get on with the life you want for yourself and your children. If you don't it will be like picking at a scab, it will never really heal.

 

Lost

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Exactly!

 

Just like I told you, GD, they do this so they can carry on with you like nothing went wrong. Like Lost stated, they also do this to convince themselves everything's fine & it's how they cope with what's they've done. Now, it's not like you always have to be at each others throats of course, but being super buddy-buddy with her enables her to post D emotional rug sweep.

 

My advice is to maintain your distance emotionally, keep contact to an absolute minimum! Email is best. It allows you to review every word & keep everything focused on the kids.

 

Remember when you found out from her that she was telling everyone that the D was a mutual decision? Again, that's her rewriting history and it's standard operating procedure for most WAWs.

 

It will eventually drive you nuts if she immediately starts to be all nicey-nice to you. You'll look at her giggling around you & your kids yucking it up at a soccer match, etc. and you'll say to yourself "WTH?! Why in the world are we divorced, this is nuts!?" And the road to recovery will be delayed some more.

 

Most of the guys I know who are doing the best emotionally cut all ties for a long period of time until they were completely (or nearly) healed before attempting to even have simple conversations. Why be nice to someone who ruined your marriage, your kids' lives, etc., etc. Where's the consequences to her when if are all nicey-nice? I don't need her to be my friend. I wanted a wife.

 

I don't want to come off as a jerk, but decisions have consequences. Blow her off! I wish I had before now. I FINALLY feel like I've taken a little power back by not feeding her narcissism by being all nicey-nice. One day, way down the road when/ if I've totally moved on, I MIGHT try to be more cordial. Now is not the time, GD. My $0.02.

[guitardude]

I agree with you guys about why she's doing what she's doing. We live in a small town of 6000 people though, and everybody I've talked to knows the truth, and even some of her friends know the truth. She will never be able to hide from the truth, and even her re-writing our marital history won't change that in the long run.

 

I actually had to see her the other day when we swapped the kids. Since I was mentally prepared this time, I didn't have a problem at all. We talked about the schedule and some paperwork I have to fill out and give back to her, and everything went smoothly. Emotionally, seeing her didn't bother me at all. I'm almost to the point where I realize her life is her life, and mine is mine. Things didn't work out, but due to the kids, we can be nice to each other.

 

It doesn't always have to be hateful. One of the soccer dads on my kids team was married for 10 years. His wife had an affair, left him, they got divorced. 2 years later she came back begging for another chance. He gave her that chance, they re-married, 3 years later she did the same thing: had an affair with another guy and left him. Got divorced again. Now, 2 years later, I saw them together at one of the soccer games. I thought at first it was his girlfriend, but he told me "No, that's my ex-wife". They get along great. He has moved on and has a girlfriend, and all 3 ride in the car together with the 2 kids back and forth from the games. I asked him how he could do this emotionally. He said "F*ck it, you can't go around being bitter your whole life. She did what she did, who cares at this point".

[guitardude]

I was doing so well this last week. I was barely thinking of her, focusing on myself, and seeing a scant ray of forgiveness at the end of the tunnel. Then my kids told me that she has found her new man; she introduced him and his 2 kids to our kids 3 weeks after the divorce was final. For the last 2 weekends that she has had our kids, he and his kids have been staying at her house. Yesterday, she introduced him to her parents and family. It's only been 5 weeks since our divorce.

 

Man, that set me back to almost square 1. Can't get rid of the thoughts of anger, hatred, and revenge. She found my replacement and has introduced him to our kids and her family so incredibly fast. I guess I knew it was coming. The timeline fits almost perfect from what she has done before. Still, it hurts deep down inside. (BTW, I know him; knew him from 10 years ago when he worked at the same hospital as my ex; he's a great guy and would make a wonderful step-father to my children; he got divorced about 2 years ago).

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

GD, keep remembering that she did this. It's not you. She destroyed your family. What she's doing now is trying to find a "replacement" for you. There's no way this guy can mean as much to her as you once did. Know that. Hold your head high knowing you did everything you could to keep your family together.

 

Your ex & kids will never know the joyful times you could have had together but they will always remember the great times in their lives when you were all one happy family.

 

For me, forgiveness will be very, very difficult. My Faith requires that I forgive & so I will work towards that goal. It may be awhile. I'm comforted by the fact that the people who knew me (& our family) best all realize she was wrong & that I was/ am a wonderful man. Most of all, God knows the kind of Father/ husband I was & the kind of man I am. He wants good things for me. He knows what's in my heart. That sustains me.

 

Hang in there.