Relationship With X

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Well folks, I think I'm at another crossroad/ milestone.

 

I'm sure you all came to the realization at one point or another that "enough was enough!". I can say that I am finally here. I had my girls with me all wknd & we had a blast (we always do). On Fri night, we were snuggled on the couch watching a children's movie and I had a seizure. Actually, I have had a number of unexplained seizures since July. After getting a complete workup at the hospital back in July, they couldn't find anything wrong with me & I was told it was probably related to the stress of looking for work and all the relationship issues I am dealing with.

 

Enough already. This really freaked out my girls and I have decided to once again cut contact with my ex. I didn't decide this however until Sunday. My neighbors called my ex Fri (she was out having dinner w/ a GF) to let her know so she could come get the girls if I ended up going to the hospital (I didn't).

 

She was understandably nice to me on Sat & Sun, texting me about random stuff and asking how the girls were doing (she never does this). I texted her Sun AM asking her if she wanted to meet us at church. She send a couple of long texts stating that she won't go to that church because she feels everyone knows me there and she thinks everyone will be whispering about her, etc. I sent her a text back thanking her for leveling with me (because I didn't know she felt that way) and even gave her the option of going to a different church so we could all be together. At this point she texted back, upset with me. She reminded me that she was in a relationship & that she had other plans, etc. etc.. I send her a message back stating I was sorry to have asked.

 

That's when her texts got interesting. She texted me back asking me not to get upset and not to go into my "no communication thing again". Whoa! I have had a few extended periods (a couple of weeks here & there) of NC since our D was final since Apr-12 and apparently she doesn't like it. Wow, it looks like NC does has an impact.

 

Well, that's exactly what I have decided to do. This time however, I think it's finally time to do it for the long haul (6-12 mos, who knows). Let's be real. She has a BF of 8-ish months and I really need to move on & get a life, not to mention a job in my field, at similar pay. I have read enough relationship books/ blogs/ forums to know that I cannot force her to love me. After all my reading, I think my ex is somewhere between a WAS (in the definition of this thread), someone who had a MLC (I mean, she was 39, married for 13 years, & had the affair they led to our D), and has narcissistic traits (not wildly so, but definitely borderline). Even after 8 months, I believe their "honeymoon" is going strong. He's nuts over her and she's nuts over anyone who's nuts over her. I have to face the fact that this relationship may indeed work out, despite her not taking any time off to "discover herself" after the D was final.

 

Looking back on the time since I found out about her affair & the divorce that followed, I have to admit that I haven't truly moved on (duh). Moving on is needed for my sanity and physical health. I really don't hold out much hope for a reconciliation anymore. I may keep praying for it but that's in God's hands now.

 

Wish me luck.

[lostandhurt]

Still,

 

I don't want you to feel badly because you have had a glimmer of hope that her relationships would blow up and she would come back to you realizing what a great guy you really are and what a huge mistake she has made. Most of us have been there and done that. Everyone gets to a point when reality is right in their face and no matter which way they turn it is there waiting for acceptance.

Whether or not you hold to NC for any length of time (actually it would be LC because of the girls) is up to you and none of us can judge you. I think you can admit that being in contact with her is not good for you mentally and now physically. You have two wonderful reasons to do what is best for you and take good care of yourself for them.

 

Since your ex is aware when you go NC simply tell her you respect her new life and so there will be no more invitations and all contact between you two will be co-parent in nature only. Let her know you feel this is best for all involved, especially the children. Tell her you will of course still be cordial and you would like to meet her bf since he will be spending time around your children. Getting his full name, age and if he is new to the area his last home town would be good. I run a check on all the ex's bf's as she doesn't have the best judgement these days. She knows I do it and doesn't like it but understands. This is up to you of course but it makes me feel better when I know she leaves my son alone with the guy.

 

As far as the physical reaction you had goes: Been there and done that too! Stay away from her, get your life going and focus on you and your girls and you will feel so much better. Trust me on this one.

 

Stop reaching out to her, stop having discussions with your mother in law and keep all contact with your ex short and professional like. You are on a journey that can take years and you have taken some good steps but you have to stop looking back.

 

The sooner you are good the sooner your life will open up in front of you. When that time comes I can help you with dating tips too. You can't imagine how many WAS's are out there dating and believe me you don't want to get involved with one!!!

 

Best wishes

Lost

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Thanks Lost, I really appreciate your advice.

 

Ok, big news. My Sister-in-law is in town visiting my ex's Mom & I stopped by to see her. After chatting for awhile, the conversation begins to gravitate to my ex despite having asked her some time ago to help my healing by not bringing her up. I allowed it because my SiL has been incredibly supportive of me & was always embarrassed by her sister's actions that led to our D.

 

Apparently my ex has indeed been talking marriage with her BF. I guess I'm not too surprised. The way she describes it, they are talking through the logistics of who will have to move (they live 1.5 hours from ea other now), whether or not he will be putting an addition on his house or buying a new one, etc., etc. Wow. They've dated for about 8 months and they see each other only twice a week. She's only introduced our girls to him 2-3 times & they've met his kids once.

 

We've only been divorced 11 months. This will be his third marriage & her second. I guess this is God's way of extinguishing any small glimmer of hope I had for a reconciliation. I am so worried about my girls. My ex's decision-making has been horrible & I see that she is not showing much improvement.

 

Way back in May-12, less than a month after our D was final, I had a very emotional conversation w/ my ex. I asked her what her greatest fear was. She turned to me with tears in her eyes & said not being able to make it on her own. I shared with her that my greatest fear would be the day I learned she was with someone else.

 

Of course there's no way for me to know if she truly loves this guy (or if she even knows what love is, really). Her true motivation may be security, fear of being alone, or maybe she's really happy. She told her Mom shortly after meeting him that there are a lot of jerks out there & she felt lucky to have met him. She also said that it would be different having 5 kids and having such a busy household. Her mom reminded her that there are few men like me who don't have problems with their wives not working, not being big on cooking or cleaning, and who spoiled their spouses like I did with elaborate vacations, jewelry, etc.

 

Surprisingly, my ex apparently agreed with her mom, stating that she realized that she was very fortunate to have found me. Her mom has been consistent in airing her concerns about the viability of this relationship. 7 mouths to feed, 5 kids w/ a lot of running them to & fro, the stresses of a blended family, and the fact that he is so frugal (she spends like crazy). I love her mom... She has told me repeatedly that she hoped they would break up & didn't think it would ever work out for them long term. Oh well, part of God's plan, I suppose.

 

This is a lot for me to process.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

The back cover of John's book seems appropriate : "I envisioned her on her mission of escape as flying a plane to an unknown destination (happiness), realizing she was not going to get there (plan crumbling), but not having enough fuel to get back (past the point of no return), and just keep flying (into oblivion),

and all the while denying there was anything wrong with the course she was on."

 

My ex looks to be on the mission in search of happiness, her emotional wall is firmly in place and she cannot see the problems of jumping into another relationship, a more complicated and challenging one for her & the children. The only thing that matters at this point is her happiness. She is oblivious to everything else.

 

It's such a powerless feeling to watch this all unfold. No one can talk any sense into her. So sad.

 

For me, acceptance is just around the corner.

[John Bendix]

Still,

 

You posted, "It's such a powerless feeling to watch this all unfold. No one can talk any sense into her. So sad."

 

I cannot tell you how many times over the past 7 years that I have either said or thought that. It is in the knowing that I cannot do anything about it that frees me. I have always wanted to help her but.............

[fabact]

I feel sorry for your ex. She seems very lost, unhappy, hurting inside, self loathing, the list goes on... there's not much you can do. You were awarded custody of the kids, and thats good. You should get your son (s) therapy asap so he does not grow up to have "mom issues" ... you know, men that dont get along with their moms and therfore cant relate properly to women , or are always seeking the wrong women because their mothers were crazy, abusive, and whatnot. Theyre a red flag in relationships. Whenever possible try to show compassion for your ex, even for as miserable as she has made eveyone. Rise above it. This will give an example to your son(s) as well. Gd luck!

[hopingforbettr]

I join the club of WAWS, my story.

 

For about 3 weeks after my wife got promoted and a much higher salary I knew something was wrong she wasn't talking to me much on the way back and forth to work. We work in the same building, ride together as far as I knew had a Great relationship the only thing we didn't do together was lunch due to my work load I have to hang around incase I'm needed by the Boss. She simply said she was tired due to the new job, when I asked her. We still talked even about our hopes and dreams for the future for our kids and us up to 20 years down the road, she just didn't talk as much as normal. I simply thought she was stressed from the new job and tired.

 

So during the last year she started loosing alot of weight throughout the summer and into the early fall we also take out a loan a Big one to buy me a new truck, build a barn for my tractor, pay down some debt and buy my 2 kids some nice new things.

 

I had noticed a lot of her time was spent texting and on facebook, when I asked she always said oh just talking to friends from work, as this gets more and more of her time spent doing this I confronted her on 12/12/12 I go out to smoke, doors are slamming inside the house. I run back in and through the house to the garage her hand is up with her phone saying too late stop where you are I've filed for divorce........

 

I fall to my knees in tears instantly we have been married almost 17 years got married when I was 25 and her almost 22, it's almost Christmas. I begged her to talk to me I would do anything to make her happy this and talking about seeing the priest at church, counseling ect, nothing budging her. I say atleast go inside and tell the oldest child with me as the youngest was at church with my Mom. She agrees as we go inside my Mom pulls up with the youngest I run outside and my youngest 12 year old and My Mom come in to witness the wife walk out on us all.... She came back the next morning, we talk go to her attorney and talk with him. She asks me to move her 1 mile down the road into her Grandparents house and I do for a few days gave her almost anything she asked for. The kids and I are devastated for almost a month I didn't see daylight or light of anykind I can recall.

 

She is in party mode, disappears for 4 and 5 days at a time, I see facebook for the first time with my oldest showing me. The wife is badmouthing me, living it up with other guys ect. First thing she did on the first party outing right after Christmas was sell her wedding rings and get a big tattoo and another one since that. Along with partying and seeing lots of guys. 2 days after she tells me she filed she post her status on Facebook as divorced and has continued to tell everyone in a small town we are, people know better as I'm closely related to 85% or more of the town.

 

I'm barely scraping by due to driving the new big diesel truck 150 miles a day to work and back, I get some help from a friend get a car, an attorney and start putting together a case against her. Once she finds out she blows a top, but pulls her act together some at work and with the kids alittle. We have major arguements via text and on the phone a few times and she finally has started to be nice again but within the last week she moves in a boyfriend who my kids have never met and agrees with the kids they can stay with me for a few weeks to a month to get comfortable with him being there though. This is amazing! I found on Facebook she was having lunch with this guy for the last year he has just divorced this summer and lost everything, he has no car, no furniture and barely gets to see his own 4 kids with 2 different women. He didn't attend his parenting class or court so what kind of loser is she bringing into my kids lives?... Wow! My wife has lost it, she knew I would never cheat and I've only ever been with her in my entire life at the age of 41 now, my paycheck went into the bank automatically, I am always working on the house and still am and I would have stood infront of a truck to save her from harm allday everyday. She was my world and she knew it....

 

We are talking nice to one another I am playing nice because my entire life I've been taught to take the high road, she is because I think she feels guilty. I'd love to give her and this thug a piece of my mind but resist the urge, I don't want them to take it out on my kids. Wife does have a quick fuse always has as she came from an abusive home as a child, I've dealt with this and worked her through alot of issues in the last almost 20 years, how could she do this to me and my children. Me I'm seeing little things I could have been doing like holding hands more often, helping out with housework inside more often but nothing to get divorced over. All my family is shocked and says she has lost her marble and I have to agree.

 

I'm not yet divorced but the date is very close, Thanks to all who contributed to this thread I'm learning alot as I read. I'll be in and out as I can life is very busy right now and I'm trying to move on to a better future for my children and even thinking maybe sometime later on in summer I can think about another woman at some point, I hope I can emotionally connect to another someday anyway but don't know if I can. As most of my closest friends are women and they even the wifes best friends say she has lost it and is being very selfish. Whats next who knows but I hope the crazy wife syndrome slows down soon! She is now pushing the kids to take a 3 hour trip one way to her BF's hometown over the weekend and they just met him a week ago. This is all Nuts! She is still talking to me nice and I wonder how long that will last??????

[guitardude]

Hi John,

Your insight is greatly appreciated on this one. I wrote this 2 months ago. It's rather lengthy:

 

My wife and I have been married 12 years. We have 3 children together; ages 11, 9, and 6. I'm quite a bit older than her; I am 50, she is 34.

I look good for my age, keep in shape, etc. I am a very loving, affectionate, caring guy; I cook, clean, do the dishes, give her backrubs, buy her turtles (her favorites); just generally try to make her feel special.

 

 

She is the exact opposite. I'll be lucky if I get a kiss from her once a month (unless it's a quick goodbye kiss as she's leaving for work). She's not affectionate at all, but I knew this from before and have learned to live with it. Overall she's not a happy person.

That's just how she is. Our sex life is great! We still have sex (up until recently) 2-3 times a week, and she can even orgasm twice once in a while. No complains there.

 

 

We've had some hard times in the last 5 months, argueing and such, which I will explain later. A couple of weeks ago I walk in the door, all smiles happy to see her. I try to give her a kiss and she turns her head. I then tried to kiss her again but she just pulled away.

She's done this before, but everytime when she was busy doing something. This time she was just standing there.

 

 

 

That hurt me so bad inside, I just shut down. I stopped giving her attention; started acting the way she treats me. She responded by being very terse with me, no more long conversations, even more distant, etc. I finally stopped talking to her; she responded by saying "What, now you don't even want to talk to me?". 3 days later I asked her why she was treating me so badly; that it seemed we were more like roommates, not husband and wife.

I also told her that she needed to see a psychiatrist because of past issues before we were married that have never gone away. She was sexually abused as a child by her stepdad for approx. 6 months when she was 4 years old. She told me one time that her Mom stood by her stepdad instead of her. She is on good terms with her stepdad ever since I started dating her 13 years ago. They talk fairly frequently.

 

 

Instead of a positive reaction from her (lets work this out, etc), she totally disengaged herself from me. "We're like roommates, huh?". A couple of days later she said that she needed to figure out why she treats me so bad, that she doesn't trust me anymore, that she needed some time to herself to figure out who she is. She brought up that maybe we should get divorced if she couldn't come to terms with all of this. She basically said "I need to figure out who I am; you need to leave!".

 

So here I am 3 days later, staying at a friends house, letting her figure out what she wants to do. She didn't give me a date for me to come back.

 

 

HER ISSUES WITH ME

 

She doesn't trust me anymore - I helped build a house for my Mom, and when she sold it, she gave me $30,000 for the kids education fund (Missouri MOST) and $5000 to help pay for a new roof for the house. I never told her about it, knowing that the money was not going for us. The $5000 I put in our joint savings account, and she checks it online every so often. It's not that I put it under the mattress to hide it, I just didn't think it was a big deal. BTW: she has a checking account in her name only; I got pissed off when a couple of years ago I opened up my own saving account, so I closed it to make her happy.

 

I save money every month which goes in our safe, and had to take out $1900 to cover a stock trade that went bad. Then she wanted to know exactly how much I spend per month and where the rest of the money was going. I told her every detail; and she's told me many times she isn't interested in investing or how it works.

 

I order her food for her: She told me that she's tired of me telling the waiter/waitress what she is having; "I have my own mouth, I can order myself!" To me it's just common courtesy for the man to order.

 

I order her beer for her at the bar: Same as above with same reaction

 

 

HER OTHER ISSUE WITH ME

 

Like I said, I am a loving,trusting husband who would never do anything intentionally to hurt her. I've made 2 mistakes in our marriage:

 

1) On my birthday 8 years ago, I went to order a beer at the bar. I went up to the bar and ordered the beer, and stated it was my birthday. The girl standing next to me said "Happy Birthday", gave me a quick (and I mean quick) kiss and walked away. My wife was pissed. She's never let me live that down, saying I was "Sucking Face" with her. Not true.

 

2) 2 Years ago New Years Eve, we were out with some friends. I barely ever drink any hard liquor, but I got to drinking shots that night for some reason. I don't remember anything after about 2 hours in there. Total blackout. My friend told me that at Midnight, I gave the bartender a kiss on the cheek. My wife then punched me in the face. Like I said, I don't remember any of this; and I certainly will never get that drunk again. She's never let me live that down either.

 

 

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART

 

 

We've always done everything together, we generally get along great. Like I said, our sex life is great! About a year and a half ago, her friend broke up with her boyfriend and was really depressed. My wife said that she would go out with her to cheer her up. She started going out to the bars fairly frequently while I stayed at home with the kids.

 

I started getting worried (and I'm not a jealous guy at all, even she'll tell you that), especially after she and her sister went to a party at a guys house who invited then to go after the bars closed and she didn't come home until 4:30 in the morning. She ended up being Facebook friends with him. In her defense, I don't think she ever contacted him. However, everytime she was going out, her new favorite song was "Hey, you crazy b*tch, you f*ck so good you're on top of it". She would play it and sing it frequently.

 

After about 5 weeks of this, she sits me down one day and says: "Would you mind if I have sex with other guys; It's only sex, it doesn't mean anything". I asked her how she would do this, she said "I'll just get a guys phone number, and when the urge arrises, maybe once a month, I'll go over to his house and F*ck him. No emotional ties whatsoever, it's only sex". I asked her if I could do the same thing; she said "No, you would get too emotional and get attached to the girl".

 

Man, that killed me. It was like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I never, ever, would have thought that she wanted another guy. She never acted like she wanted one. I cried for 4 days, had to see a psychologist, before she finally realized how much it hurt me. She then said she was just gauging my reaction, she really never wanted anyone else.

 

 

I hurt for about 2 months, then got over it. Everything was going alright and our marriage was back on track.

 

 

ROUND 2

 

Part 1:

 

Last summer in July, we had 3 soccer coaches from England staying at our house for a week. One of the guys was really attractive, and she just swooned over this guy. She tried to change her work schedule to stay home, didn't sleep during the day when she was working night shift, etc. She then took them to the bar one night, I showed up about Midnight just as she was rubbing her rear in some other guys c*ck.

 

Man was I dissappointed. What really hurt me was that she payed him more attention in 1 week than I get all year!

 

 

She then starting going to the bars again, this time with a couple of local friends. She was going out once to twice a week, coming home late, having fun and dirty dancing.

 

PART 2:

 

In late September, she went to a 3 day conference in Columbia, MO with one of her friends. The 2nd night she was there, I hired a private detective to tail her. I called her about 6pm and asked her what she was going to do. She said she was going to go shopping, go out to eat, go back to the Hotel bar for a couple and go to bed. The detective followed them to Kohls and dinner, and she was doing exactly what she told me she was going to do.

I was happy! I trusted my wife, so I called off the detective and told him to go home.

 

I then called my wife around 9pm because I was going to bed. She said "Not much is going on here, just having a few beers and going to call it a night. I love you". Man, I was happy, she barely ever says "I Love You", so when she does, it means a lot. We talked for about 1/2 an hour and she said "I Love You" again before hanging up.

 

 

At 12:30AM the phone rings. It's the detective! I said "What are you doing calling me, I called you off!" He said: "I've been doing this a long time; I know how it ends". Apparently her and her friend had gone downtown and picked up a couple of guys. I found out later that these guys were in fact staying at the same hotel they were, were drunk and needed a ride home. That was verified.

 

The detective gave me the play by play: The guy her friend was with went back to his room, while my wife and her friend and this other guy went to my wife's room (she was rooming with her friend, he was rooming with his). He went to the bathroom, and then my wife and him went to his room. I was freaking out. I waited about 10 minutes, the called back to her room.

 

I wish I could have seen the look on her friends face when I called. I asked to speak to my wife, and she stuttered "She's in the bathroom". "Well, give her the phone!". "I can't, I'll have her call you when she gets out". She then called my wife who calls me back. I made up a fake story about me having a bad dream. She said "Don't worry, I'm in bed and ready to go to sleep; I'll call you tomorrow".

 

I waited another 15 minutes, then called her again. I couldn't stand it any longer. I told her there was a detective that had been following her and she was busted. She lied and said there wasn't another guy, he must have had the wrong room. He verified she was indeed with the guy. She hung up on me, then she texted "We didn't have sex". She told me that they were just talking, she wasn't tired yet and wanted to stay up a little bit longer.

 

Needless to say I wasn't very happy. When she came home the next day, we had a big fight, but at the end, we made up. I wanted to believe she was telling the truth.

 

 

PART 3:

 

I was bummed out for about a month, but got over it. One halloween night, we got dressed up, went dancing and had an absolutely awesome time. It was so good, I told her it reminded me of when we were dating. Hadn't had that much fun in years! About a week later she bought a card and told me how special I was and that she loved me. She had never done this in our entire marriage, so I felt great!!!

 

Then in December we went out for her birthday and were having a good time. She asked if she could dance with other guys. I said no problem; like I said, I'm not a jealous guy. We were both on the dance floor, and she started dancing with this one guy. Next thing I know, she had her hands all over the guys *ss and was feeling him up on the dance floor. I was dissappointed. She told me later that's how she always has danced. She just likes dirty dancing and it doesn't mean anything.

 

 

With all this happening within 4 months, I started having good and bad days. She couldn't understand why I was acting like this. If I were to do the same thing she does, we'd be divorced. There's a huge double standard in our relationship.

 

Example: We were at Walmart a couple of weeks ago and I was in the checkout line. She snuck off because the person behind the register was a girl. We struck up a conversation about the weather and work. She was fat and pregnant, married, definitely not attractive. My wife comes up from behind and says "Didn't know I was behind you, did you". She gave me a dirty look and walked away.

 

A week later, we were shopping again. I asked the checkout girl if I could borrow the Aldi's ad to comp. All I said was' "Can I borrow the Aldi's ad, I'll bring it right back". My wife got pissed and told me to get my own cart. I had had enough. I walked off, got in the car, and went home. I couldn't take it anymore, She called and I picked her up. That was the beginning of where this story started.

 

 

Here's the quick timeline of what's going on now:

 

AUGUST 2011 Starts going out to the bars and constantly listens to her favorite new song "Hey you crazy B*tch, you F*ck so good you're on top of it.

SEPTEMBER 2011 “I want to have sex with other guys”

OCTOBER 2011 Puts pocket p*ssy on neighbors c*ck

2012 Her friend says “She’s like a little kid in a candy store” referring to her infactuation with hot 22 year old soccer guy

JULY 2012 Rubs *ss in guys c*ck at Hub’s Pub

AUG - OCT 2012 Goes out to the bars all the time and dirty dances with other guys. Friend says “I try to keep her talking to me to keep her away from other men”

SEPTEMBER 2012 “I want an Open Relationship”

SEPTEMBER 2012 Told her I had sex with another woman to see her reaction. Tells me 3 hours later “I forgive you”. I wonder why. I was at a buddy's house that night.

SEPTEMBER 28,2012 Hire a PI and catch her in a hotel room with another guy at 1 in the morning. She says "We didn't have sex" because I got paranoid and called her 10 minutes after she went in his room

OCTOBER 2012 Says to me “How can anyone have sex with the same person for 10 years”

NOVEMBER 2012 Tells me she cheated on old boyfriend while they lived together, after years of telling me that she never cheated on him. Tells me “I Lied” straight to my face

DECEMBER 2012 Feels up a guys *ss right in front of me at Hub’s Pub

JANUARY 2013 Starts detachment

FEBRUARY 2013 Says "I want a divorce"

 

2013

 

1st and 2nd week of January - starts treating me like sh*t – terse short answers, “Take the F*cking Computer”. Try to kiss her, she turns her head away. Try to do it again; same thing. Gets insanely jealous when I’m in the checkout line at Walmart talking to a female cashier about the weather. Does it again a week later and I drive home alone, then pick her up. Ask her why, she says “I don’t know”.

3rd week of January - starts tanning

4th week of January - She says “I need some time to think, you need to leave”

1st week of February - Joins fitness club. She's never worked out in her life. She's got a great body. She has always had a thing for buff guys

1st week of February - Unfriends me on Facebook

 

2nd week of February and on - Treats me like I don’t exist and our 12 year marriage never existed. ***? We had awesome times together. We were 'the team'

 

2nd and 3rd weeks of February - gets hotel room off and on, starts f*cking other guys . We haven’t even filed for divorce yet

3rd week of February - Talked to her sister. She only said one thing to me before walking away: "She’s always been like that”

4th week of February - gets a hotel room for a month even though her friends offered to put her up. She says “I didn't want to impose”

4th week of February - Tells our neighbor “I wish he would just go out and have sex with someone”. I told her and said “You want that so you don’t have to feel so guilty” . Response: “Go F*ck Yourself”

1st week of March - destroys all of our pictures of us together + the special picture I made for her

2nd week of March - Constantly texting at soccer game instead of paying attention to her kids

3rd week of March - Put a VAR in her car. She says “If Kenny and Shaun are the only ones he knows about, I’m good!”

3rd week of March - Has a whole list of guys she’s dating, ranking them in order of attractiveness.

17 April - Divorce

 

 

Whenever we've talked in the last couple of months, she always says "this is why we are getting divorced' and "this is why we are getting divorced". Every time its something different. The last time it was cause I asked her to get a phone card and some groceries from the store. "This is why we're getting divorced. Your always asking me to get something". I texted her back " So if your new husband asks you to get him something from Wal-mart, are you going to divorce him too?"

 

 

Instead of grieving over the loss of her marriage, husband, and kids (we were a great family), she feels no guilt, remorse, or grief at all. She couldn’t wait to start dating and f*cking other guys. Couldn’t even wait until the divorce was final.

 

Question: How could you do this knowing full well you would destroy your own children?

 

How could anyone sacrifice their own children just to spread your legs for someone else?

 

She is having sex with other guys and having the time of her life while me and the kids are left to pick up the pieces.

 

 

 

What I don't understand:

 

1) She detached without anyone else being in the picture.

 

2) She didn't want to go to MC. Said " If she tells me something I don't want to here, I'll just ignore her". She didn't want to work on our marriage at all.

 

3) A couple of times in January / Beginning of February she kissed me, then said later "I never kissed you!" She called me "Honey" a couple of times, then denied it. I told her, "You're forcing yourself to be distant"

 

4) Now that she has all these different guys, I've never seen her so happy. Is this going to last?

 

 

 

She Detached from our marriage which lasted approx. 1 month, said she wanted a divorce, started f*ucking about 4-5 different guys for about 1 1/2 months, and now she's settled on one guy and is living with him.

 

Which catagory does she fall in?

 

Is she in the Fog? I thought that only happens when there is an affair?

 

Is she a wayward spouse? I don't know, because in her mind, she already wanted the divorce and filed soon after this started.

 

Is she a walkaway wife? I don't know; I don't think she had anyone lined up when she started detaching.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

H4B, welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of. You are lucky to have dialed into this forum before your divorce was final. I'm not sure if you want to try & save your marriage, but I'd recommend that you come familiar with link removed immediately. Another excellent site is link removed. You have found what I consider to be the top thread dealing with the WAS. Many other sites will claim that your stbx complained to you about all the issues she had in the marriage for years and you ignored the warning signs that D day (the day the bomb was dropped) was coming (I'm sure that is the case sometimes, but it was not with me. My ex simply lost it out of nowhere).

 

Every sitch is different, but there are a lot of similarities that I'm sure you have read in this thread.

 

Okay, what to do from here? There are some guys in this thread who have lived through more than I have but I'd also read John's book. There are so many factors that could be playing into your stbx's behavior. It could be a mid-life crisis (MLC). Is she 39-40? If so, I can almost guarantee a MLC is a factor in all of this.

 

The new job definitely had a role. Like your stbx, my ex went off the deep end regarding how she's changed. Like yours, she went from guy to guy, partying like a rock star every chance she got. This was completely different from the stay-at-home, church-going Mom role that she played for the 13 years we were married. To this day, 11 months after the divorce, she acts more like a 25 yr. old instead of the 40 yr. old she is whenever I have our girls (or every chance she gets). She's either partying with her BF (soon to be husband, from what I gather) or with one of her "birds of a feather" friends (also divorced WAWs). She is on a flight to "happiness" without enough fuel to get her where she is going. Why? Because she has no idea where she is headed. Such is the mindset of the WAS. All they know is they're not "happy" and they blame their exes with why it's so.

 

Please try to ignore the way she is treating you (easier said than done, I know). Believe nothing of what she says & half of what you see. Let's be clear. Her actions are so incredibly selfish that there's no explanation or excuse for her behavior. You may want to read up on NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She may or may not be a narc. Many WAS's are or have borderline tendencies.

 

Lastly, although not discussed in this thread, many men have the tendency over time to become "beta" males. Basically what this means is that initially, our spouses were attracted to the alpha males we once were during courtship. Over time, a lot of guys start to put their wife on a pedestal and cater to their every need. We think this is what they want because society conditions us to put our wives and families first. We think that our spouses should appreciate this behavior and respect & honor us for it. Truth be told, many women start to lose attraction to us when we display this behavior. They won't do it right away. They often don't even know exactly why they lose attraction to us. During the rewriting of history phase, they may claim to have not been happy in the marriage "for years". This is a cop-out, because they really don't even know why they are no longer happy. But one thing's for sure, it is their spouse who's to blame. Yep. Just get out of this terrible marriage & all their problems will be gone. Of course, that is lunacy.

 

This is not your fault. There are many things you can do to reduce the pain in this process. PM me if you want to get some specific threads from various websites that will help. One thing is for sure, you must go almost completely dark right away. Take your communications with her down to close to zero. If possible, pick up the kids at a relatives house so you don't even have to see her. Only text her about logistical issues with the kids. This will be the hardest thing but if you do this, you will be SO much better off. It will make it easier for you and it she will go nuts. Why? Because she knows you want her back. She's addicted to this attention. It's the only power you have, so use it wisely. Looking back, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. I really think that if I would have treated her like the trash she was becoming, things may have been different. I essentially enabled her actions by sitting on the sidelines and continued to help her with emotional needs while she got her sexual needs met by others. Trust me, none of these men give S@#!t about her emotional needs.

 

Ultimately though, it all depends on what you want. Do you want to try to reconcile this marriage or not? All advice you get will depend on what you really want.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Guitardude, turn on your Private Messages. I want to send you one.

[guitardude]

How do you turn on the Private Messages?

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. deleted.

[guitardude]

I must be blind, but there is no Private Messages on/off in my General Settings.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

xxxxxxxxx. deleted.

[lostandhurt]

You cannot receive private messages until you have posted so many times. I am not sure of the number but it is like 6 to 12 messages. Once he posts a few more he should be good. I could be wrong though.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

H4B,

 

Hoping will not lead you down a path you want. Information and education on what is happining will. Still has and is learning lessons as he goes through his own version of hell right now.

There have been many of us that joined this club we never wanted to be a part of. You are the victim of a Walk Away Wife and for that I am sorry. There is good news though. You WILL survive this!

 

Let me be clear right up front. You cannot fix her, there is no drug or therapy that will stop what has been going on. She has made a choice and has been edging towards the door for many months so there is little chance she will suddenly realize what she is doing is wrong. In fact she has built a wall up around her keeping all reality out. Trying to reason with her is useless. The wall is strong and the more you try and get her to see what she is doing, the hurt she is causing or the lives that are being torn apart by her will only cause the wall to become higher and higher. She sees it as an attack and her solution it to build a bigger defense to the attack. She doesn't want to hear how selfish and hurtful she is because she has convinced herself that everything she is doing is okay.

 

Do as Still has said and cut contact down to just for the kids. You need to protect yourself as well. Talking to a lawyer is very wise but keep all your actions hidden from everyone except your close family. Don't discuss anything with her friends no matter how much they claim to be on your side or disgusted by her actions. Be smart.

You are no good to your children if you aren't healthy so eat right, get in shape and keep your family close to you. Don't be ashamed that she has done this. Reach out to your freinds and family during this difficult time so they can help you cope until you get your feet back under you.

 

The fact is she checked out of the marriage along time ago and has been probably been fooling around with this loser for some time. Go get checked for std's right away and make sure you mention your situation to your doctor so they can help you as well.

 

Accepting things as they really are will be your best friend. Keep posting and expressing what you are feeling. You are not alone in this...

 

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Dude,

 

That is tough story to read and it brought back a bad feeling in my gut.

 

I know you want answers to your questions but they really won't help you. If all your questions were answered it wouldn't change a thing. Trust me on this one.

 

Her sister said it best "she has always been like this" Basically you got a good number of years before her true self came back out. My ex pretty much did the same thing. Her famly is sick of her and the way she treats people.

 

Your children need to be protected so keep them close. She isn't much of a mother so you need to be both parents right now. You can do it as I have and I love it!!!

 

Tell us what you want? Closure? Answers so you can put your finger on where it went wrong? Let us know what you truly want.

 

Lost

[John Bendix]

I have not been back her for a couple of days so, sorry I am getting back to everyone now.

 

this is sent out to both dude and HBF

 

First, listen to lost. He know of what he speaks. I agree that she is gone. In the present moment she is someone else working out her issues in her own way. As for someone saying that this is the way she has been, I agree with them. I heard that from quite a few people that knew my X for a long time. Sometimes it takes some emotional disturbance (or even pain that welled up inside of them for years that has had to come out) for them to draw on old (and usually dysfunctional) defense mechanisms when faced with huge emotional turmoil.

 

You can look for years (and many of us have) for your own culpability in her radical changes but it is still her reactions to whatever stimuli see might be sensing. Most of the faults that I have observed that the true WAS points to are contrived and extremely exaggerated. It is mostly rationalization for their actions. They feel they are Compelled to leave, to run, to start a new life. They have accumulated way too much pain emotional pain and simply refuse and unable to deal with. My X once told me after leaving that she viewed me as the enemy of her life and happiness. And that there was not any big problems with me, just a bunch of little ones. This is all the while being mean, nasty, abusive, selfish, irrational, untruthfull, and closed down. How can you argue for rational, meaningful communication with these in the way?

 

Lost is right. The children need to be protected from this activity. I have done my best but at times they still show signs of an emotional distress hangover. They do not trust their mother, believe her, and know there is no chance of a rational, meaningful conversation. They accepted that but they are now all adults in age. They claim that they have seen behavior in her that is so bizarre that there is no room to even discuss it.

 

Will your wife aver see the light of reason? Therapists claim that in their experience, the chances are very slim or none. Denial mechanisms will not allow it.

[guitardude]

What do I truly want? That's a good question. Our divorce will be final next week. After f*cking at least 4-5 different guys between February and Mid-March, she has picked one and has been living with him for the last 3 weeks. Same pattern she did with her last husband and live in boyfriend. If the pattern holds true, she will probably be engaged to this guy within 4 months and marry him within the next year. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I guess I want answers to:

1) Why did she throw me away like a used tampon so quickly after 12 years of marriage?

2) Why does she treat me like me or our marriage never existed?

3) Why did she go from being the best mother in the world to half the mother she used to be? I texted her 'Your children used to be your pride and joy, now they are your burden'.

4) I wonder what the future holds for her?

[hopingforbettr]

Thanks guys! GDude and I seem to have much of the same story and the same questions however I have come to somewhat of an acceptance that this is the way it is. I've asked MANY people both family,friends and even my kids if I had changed and they say no she did and drastically in a Bad way.

 

I'm hoping for a brighter future for me and my children I'm done with her....... Yes I Loved her with everything I had and more and she knew this but threw me out like garbage. The only reason I think she came back was to control me using my children as pawns to control me, other family and friends see this the same way. Yesterday alone I had to negotiate with her again, each and almost everyday some weeks I have to talk to her, this time she wants her rose bushes dug out of the flower beds. I said ok as my youngest wants me to do this and I want to seem like the Good guy trying my best when the reality is I'd like to use some weed spray on them. Yes I am mad at her for what she has done and is doing to my children....

 

I can somewhat accept what she has done to me as I've had time to document each and every interaction she has had with more then 1 loser for over the last year from her facebook page, which I no longer even care to look at and don't. I'm moving on and work on my relationship with my children and am in the process of remodeling my house she wouldn't know the inside of my house already. I'm trying to remove her from the equation in my life, my house, and anything else I can and prefer NC with her but I have to at the moment to finalize the divorce and for my children. At one point I wanted her back and prayed for it dearly for a few months then reality hit of all that she has done my line has been drawn deep and she crossed it, separating me and her for eternity. Once the kids hit 18 I won't speak with her again ever unless I absolutely have to for my children.

 

This is a wonderfully informative thread and I've read alot of it and will all of it as soon as I can. The only thing that concerns me now is to be ahead of her future actions so I can be prepared how to handle them for my children when needed. Me I'm hoping and focusing on a brighter future for myself and my children and how to build a different dream for myself without her in it, hopefully with a special someone else in it with me and my children. It's helped me to see her with this guy and to see others reactions even people at work who barely knew both of us have approached me and told me how wrong it is what she has done and is doing and how selfish she is. I've spent the last 4 months researching everything I could find on her actions and keeping myself taken care of as well as keeping my childrens needs above my own. Doing my best to finish work on the house to cut her out and considering buying a mustang or a boat I need a new fun toy that she hasn't been a part of for myself. It's weird I have this need to find fun again for myself so I can be fun to be with for my children when they are around me, played Basketball with them the other night it was a blast. Thanks for everything guys and Good luck to all. I'll be in and out when I can trying to learn more.

[lostandhurt]

H4B,

 

You have a great attitude but I know it isn't always easy to keep the mindset you have written above. You will struggle, you will have low points but over time they will become farther and farther apart and have less and less of an impact on you.

 

The need you have to find joy, fun, happiness comes from the man you used to be that was somehow buried over the years. Some may be her doing as you tried to MAKE her happy and changed to make that happen. I spent 20 years trying to MAKE my ex happy without even realizing it. In the end I realized it to late and after it was over I could see that she was never happy and may not know how to be. This may or may not have been your situation.

I can tell you that there is good that can come out of this. You will rise above this betrayal, lies and selfishness and become someone you could only dream of before all this started. I am now closer to my son than I could have ever been without all this mess. My time with him is spent in the moment and our bond is a dream come true for me. Like John and his sons my son and I will be close till the last breath leaves my body.

 

Focusing on your children is good for them and great for you! This is what it is all about. Our friend Benga's wife bailed when his daughter was 3 years old I think. He has done a wonderful job of raising that little girl basically on his own. He and his wife are back together but what he has with his daughter can never be taken away and he, like John and I are good role models for our children. The thought of a WAS having an influence on young minds is frightening to me.

 

I did the remodel and have done things I never thought I would ever do and have simplified my life so I can enjoy what is real. There is less stuff in my life and more living. The car thing is something I get too. The muscle car I owned in High School awaits a frame off resto this summer. These are things I enjoy and part of my life. You seem to be finding your way to who you want to be and I commend you for your effort. Well done.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Dude,

 

We have all asked those same questions as did family and friends. As the life of the WAS crumbles and the flight of fancy turns into a dismal existence many ask the questions again again of you. Clinically there may be answers, physiologically there may be answers and certainly morally there may be answers but from her stand point she has built a new reality that makes what she is doing perfectly okay and anyone that intrudes on this new reality is punished, pushed away, abused or ignored. There is no room in her dream for reality.....not the reality she wants anyways. Let me see if I can answer a few of your questions:

 

1) Why did she throw me away like a used tampon so quickly after 12 years of marriage? From her point of view you are the enemy and she is fleeing you.

2) Why does she treat me like me or our marriage never existed? The first part of the marriage to die for the WAS is the truth and fond memories of what was.

3) Why did she go from being the best mother in the world to half the mother she used to be? I texted her 'Your children used to be your pride and joy, now they are your burden'. My ex did the same thing. Selfishness rules their worlds, children are important only when someone is watching and they want to make a good imnpression on someone else, other than that they are a burden.

4) I wonder what the future holds for her? Dysfunction, abuse by men that will use her and throw her away or she will use them and throw them away, heavy drinking, looks will fade, money troubles, possible DUI.....basically a shallow life where they have people around them but are really alone.

 

This of course is my take on this. From evidence many of us have seen it will not be pretty no matter how it may appear on the outside....they are not happy.

 

What do you want for your life? What are you willinng to do to make that happen?

 

Lost

[guitardude]

I want to be happy again. It sucks being lonely. Funny, we did so many things together, spent almost every moment with each other, that I wished for my space, so 'me time'. Now that I've got all of the 'me time' and more, I wish that she was back in my life. I miss the companionship. We have 50/50 custody; it's going to suck coming home to an empty house for a week at a time. My days are getting better, though. I'll have one good day, two bad days. I wish I could just totally disconnect from her, but that's impossible due to the kids. Once the divorce is final on the 17th and I get all of her crap out of the house, I plan on re-arranging the house towards my tastes, plan to spend alot of time outdoors, etc. My problem now is that I can't stop thinking about her in some way or another; especially what she is doing and how happy she seems to be. I can almost guarantee that she will marry the guy she's with right now. She did the same with me; moved in, engaged 3 months later, married 9 months later.

[John Bendix]

dude,

 

The perspective I use on my emotions is a rational one (IMO) in which I am 100% responsible for them. No one makes you unhappy, sad, angry, lonely, or any other emotion. They are responses to the stimuli that your mind, which is its function, interprets through the senses. Those thoughts are processed and an emotional reaction (which is physical) is created. The good news is that mind created thoughts and the emotions that ensue from those thoughts, are not who we are. They are memrely fleeting thoughts and feelings that dissipate almost as soon as they appear. The problem arises when we create the thought-to-emotion-to-thought-etc. cycle that it can create discomfort. To break the cycle (or loop) we must first accept the thoughts and the emotions that ensue that we have for they are real. To me acceptance is the key in the grand scheme of things. Acceptance without judging it or ourselves (for how does that change them) foir having them. By the mere act of seeing through these activities, without making them a part of who we are, the cycle is broken and pain subsides.

 

Wanting things to be other than they are right now leads to agony. Wanting things to be the way we want them in the imaginary future usually leads to disappointment and more emotional pain.

[lostandhurt]

Gdude,

 

She seems happy but is she really? No matter how hard they try they cannot escape what they have done. She is distracting herself from reality right now. I feel sorry for this new guy inher life really. How long before he suffers the same fate I wonder?

 

We have all been where you are. Wanting things back the way they were, happiness, companionship and a bright future together. Accepting that what once was is gone and will never be again with her is key for you. Even if she did come back tomorrow things would never be the same between you two.

 

I prayed and hoped for my ex to snap out of it and come back for a while, then I began to live my life and enjoy who I was once again and it didn't seem eat at me so much and then one day I realized I was afraid that she might come back. I was afraid because I wasn't sure what I would do. For my son I might have tried but I feared the cost it would have on my soul. I simply do not want a person like that in my life.

 

What she does is hard to stop thinking about I know. It takes time but listen to John and he will help you see your reactions or what you allow to affect you is normal but what you do after the intitial reaction is very important. I struggled, we all struggled as we watched and learned of the good times they were having while we were curled up in a ball trying to survive. Seeing things as they really are and acceptance will be your best friends in all this.

 

Who were you before you met her? Were you a happy fun guy? Did you have interests, hobbies and friends? Get back to that guy right away. Reconnect with old friends, get interested in something you and your kids will enjoy doing together and take good care of yourself. That means working out and eating right. I can't stress enough how much it will help you.

 

When the 17th comes it will be a weird day as mine was. Logically I knew it was over for years (it took 2 years to get it done) but seeing it in print on the documents sent a strange pain through my soul. That lasted about 3 hours and I was good again. For right now do things that make life easy on you. That means little to no contact with her and if you do need to use email or texts. These things have saved me so many times I can't count. The WAS has a terrible memory so if it is in print you simply send it back to them what they said and it stops misunderstandings in their tracks! Be very business like and cordial but nothing more.

 

I think you are well on your way to beginning a wonderful new life for yourself and children.

 

Lost