Relationship With X

[guitardude]

Lost and John,

Thanks! Along with Paul who called me, this is some of the best advice I've gotten. weird how so many of us are going through the exact same thing. I went for a bike ride on Sunday, and it felt great! My Ex hardly ever allowed me to do anything without negative feedback. This whole ordeal f*cked me up so bad I thought I was going to die; had a couple of nervous breakdowns, couldn't stop pacing, couldn't get motivated. I think I've gotten over the grief stage, but moving on past that seems to be difficult Emotionally, I feel like I'm in Limbo. Not depressed anymore, but the happiness eludes me.

 

The speed of which this all happened is what I believe is so hard for me to get over. In October, she buys me a I Love You card, puts lipstick kisses all over it, and says what a great husband I am. She's a very unemotional person, in fact, this was the 1st time in our 12 year marriage that she had ever done something like that. At Christmas time, she buys me a new wedding ring. 3 weeks later, she starts detaching, 2 weeks after that, I want a divorce, 2 months later, we're divorced. Didn't even have time to prepare.

[hopingforbettr]

gdude,

 

Listen to these guys and do one more thing smile, even if there is no reason to smile it will make you feel better. I had a Very rough day yesterday as things will be final tomorrow I think. I couldn't help but think of all the good years with her almost 23 years total time from the start of dating it hurts to think about it. I miss who she was Dearly and I also miss the companionship Very much, but the wife who was is gone now and no longer exist. I see her alot too as we work in the same place and live less then a mile apart and switch the children everyother day and will continue to do this. She talks nicer now to me then she has in over a year and she is with another guy.... A guy who has no car, no furniture, 4 total kids from 2 different X's.... My kids are going to have a rough time dealing with all of this I'm sure but it seems to be helping them seeing me everyother day which also helps me too. It's a busy schedule but I don't have to go for long periods without them being around YET, vacations are coming soon, uggghhh....

 

The best thing I can tell you is smile and start trying to think of an alternative future without her, possibly with someone else and try to invision new dreams for your children with just you too. It's tough and hurts alot, it's only been 4 months for me and I saw her with the other guy lastnight on her front porch. I and you have to get past the hurt and move forward, find a project and focus on it...

 

Me I've painted alot of the inside of the house, put in hardwood flooring and remodeling the bathrooms, next up I'll either paint or reside the outside of the house. Find something like painting where you can involve the kids and let them help choose colors or something. Just stay busy.... I spent over 50 hours from Friday night to Sunday night working and exhausted myself on purpose so as not to think of her.

 

Forget about the why it all happened the way it has and focus on the things you may have been able to do alittle different, I spent all those years trying to make her happy I realize that now. She was never truly happy and I did forget who I was long ago to some ex stint now I'm going to find the fun guy back, fun guys have lots of friends.... The push on the house is for many reasons and one of them is so this summer very soon I can focus on having fun with the kids and by myself when I'm alone. I have already made plans for 6 months out. Chin up and smile...... Go talk to friends, chat with the grocery clerks, it gets alittle better eachday, somedays are full of tears but they will get less as time goes on..

[John Bendix]

Stages of Dealing with Grief (Loss)

 

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Bargaining

4-Depression-Repression

5-Acceptance

 

Time sequence to recover is different for everyone.

 

Time does not heal all wounds. Acceptance does but it may take time to be able to accept what is.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

H4B, seems to me that, all things considered, you are doing quite well. You will have setbacks from time to time but you are definitely on the right path. I haven't seen my ex with her new man but it's just a matter of time I suppose. This latest NC I am in with her feels like it could finally be the last. Very few texts now, just about our girls. And my oldest is now 12 and I've been sending more & more communications directly to her instead, minimizing contact with the ex even more.

 

GDude, it was great talking with you. Like you, my D came out of nowhere & was over in a heartbeat (less than 4 mos). It doesn't seem real at times. I used to think it was all a dream and I would wake up one day & it would all be back the way it was. John is right, acceptance will set you free.

 

One of the things that helps me is realizing that my ex is truly dysfunctional. Selfish? Of course. Morally broken? Yes. A completely different person. Yep. This helps too. The person I met, fell in live with, had children with & slept next to for over 13 years is gone. That person is nothing more than a memory.

 

The wisdom about the WAS that Lost & John have is vast. Their advice has helped me more than I can articulate. You are in good hands here guys. Best of luck!

[lostandhurt]

I wish I could say that Gdude and H4B will be the last people to stumble on to this thread/site but as the veterans know it comes in waves sometimes. There will be months of seemingly peace and I begin to be hopeful that the selfish wave that has engulfed our society has embbed but then a new crop of victims washes ashore.

 

My knowledge was hard won. It took me a while to truly listen to what John and some others were trying to get accross to me but once I became open to these new ideas and put what I knew...or thought I knew about myself aside I began to learn about the why, the reaction and most of all the acceptance.

 

I still learn by coming here and helping to guide others onto a good path. What I have learned transcends dealing with the ex or the betrayal and divorce. This new found knowledge has become a way of life I wish I knew so many years ago. I am 49 years old and I might need glasses to read small print but my vision has never been clearer. I see things as they truly are, not what my ego wants me to see.

 

There will be good that comes out of this if you set about to become more than you have ever been. Fatherhood is a blessing and all this has opened my heart not closed it off to the true blessing in my life.

 

All our futures are uncertain but we can certainly steer our ships in a good direction...

 

Lost

[guitardude]

2 days ago I had to call her to work out some custody issues. I was in a good mood, you could hear it in my voice. She said she was going to take the kids Tuesday and Thursday. Fine, no problem. So yesterday she calls me (she never calls me, only texts) and starts talking to me in a really friendly voice (she never does that either) and starts saying that she will have the kids.

 

I told her "We already talked about this. Just text me". Then I hung up. I then texted her "Unless we have a detailed conversation, we don't need to be talking to each other. Yes I know you're taking the kids tonight. You could have texted me that". I felt really good. She usually gets her way. This time it's my way. Then she starts texting me and getting nasty, telling me how I'm a bad dad (right!, I've had the kids for the last 2 months while she's been having the time of her life!).

 

I then texted her "I've moved on with my life. Feeling better every day. You're out of my life. Don't care to ever see you again."

 

Question:

1) Did I do the right thing?

 

2) Why was she all of a sudden so friendly on the phone when she has been a b*tch most of the time?

 

3) Why did she get nasty when I texted her?

[lostandhurt]

Gdude,

Did you do the right thing? From who's point of view? What matters most is your progress. Personally I think you did very well and in time you will do even better.

 

I would caution you not to give out anymore information than you need to. The fact that you are doing better and getting on with your life is your business not hers so let her wonder why you are so happy.

 

As I have said email and texts have saved me more time than I can count. Taking the high road always seems up hill but once you reach the top the climb is well worth it. It might be a good idea to send her an email letting her know that from now on unless it is an emergency that you would prefer all contact about the children and schedules be electronic. Explain that it will eliminate misunderstandings and be a good written reminder of the agreed schedule.

 

It is anyones guess why she was being nice. It used to scare the crap out of me when my ex was nice like that!!! I used to get this strange feeling like something bad was about to happen. The WAS goes in all kinds of cycles and it is best to not try and make sense of dysfunction.

 

She got nasty because so far everything has been pretty much going her way and now life is creeping into her fantasy. It isn't just you but all parts of her life that reality has begun to ruin her escape to happiness. You were just an easy outlet/target.

 

 

Speaking from experience this is the time for you to start nailing down a schedule that benifits you greatly. I see my son everyday except one and I have him every weekend. The other days he rides the bus home to me and her bf picks him up at my house most of those days. Slowly work a solid schedule so you have your kids as much as possible. Right now she is the most selfish and if done correctly she will allow you to have more time because she wants her freedom. Your kids need a good solid parent right now anyways so do what you can and don't worry that they aren't around her that much.

 

You are doing very well so keep it up. Slow down your reactions, think about your next move a while before you make it and stay on the high road.

 

Lost

[guitardude]

Yeah, taking the high road hasn't been easy for me. She has for the most part, but not me. I still want to go to her parents house after the divorce is final and tell them what really happened. I believe she told them that I cheated on her so that's why she left. That's what she's been telling her friends. That really pisses me off! I think once the divorce is final, she gets all of her sh*t out of my house, and I talk to her parents, That will bring closure for me.

[hopingforbettr]

It's done.... Final as of yesterday afternoon, still waiting for all the details from my attorney but it's both sadness and a relief at the same time for me. One last thing for me to do to make it final in my mind, going to sell my wedding band today after work. From here on out I focus on nothing but the future period. I went over and looked at Mustangs this morning wow they are pretty. I've spent the last 3 months working on my house including lastnight painting until midnight as usual, plan to finish up the major stuff in the next few evenings. Then time for yard work. Tonight will be difficult as my kids spend the first night at her house tonight with another man in the house. I'm going to focus on my painting though if I can, I'm so exhausted now I could simply lay down and I'd be out like a light for a few hours this will help too, so I don't stay up all night with worry.

 

GDude, Try with every fiber of who you are to take the high road, I know it's hard to do, I've made my own mistakes. I would love to tell her parents, grandparents and some of the friends that have chosen no contact with me now, my side of the story. What good would it do, they won't listen not really anyway... So what good would come of it? Me I've chosen to take the high road going above and beond to make things work out amicably with her for my children. The only thing that matters to me is what my children think of me... My family and most of hers are finding out the real story from word of mouth through others and her actions of partying and moving this guy in so soon anyway, I've heard her parents and grandparents aren't too happy she moved this guy in. So try to do your very very best if you can to work things out nicely, as it will save alot of headache both in court and in the future for the kids. It's not easy but it's the right thing to do in my mind.

[guitardude]

Today is not a good day. Really stressed out. I keep on thinking about her singing "Hey you crazy b*tch, you f*ck so good you're on top of it", thinking about her kissing and f*cking other guys, etc, etc. On top of all of that, she told my 11 year old son last night that she was going out different guys. How do I stop thinking these thoughts?

 

Her parents live an hour and a half away in another state. They have no idea what really happened.

[hopingforbettr]

gdude,

 

Those are some of the most difficult thoughts to get past and the only way to do that is to occupy your mind and thoughts with something else. A project... Any project....

 

For me I had my tractor around to do work on the road and landscape with as well as all of the remodeling to my house I've done that all myself. Go outside and take a deep breath and try REALLY hard to think about your future without her in it, picture in your mind just you and your children on a beach in the amusment park, ect.

 

Think about anything but her and when she pops into your mind correct yourself and smile, tell yourself I will be better off without the cheater, I had to do that ALOT. I also have talked to a counselor MANY times as well as countless hours with friends over the phone and in person. Find something anything to keep your mind busy and work, work ALOT on anything that keeps your mind busy.... Sorry your having a bad day, mine has been a Great day and I'm looking forward to tomorrow night seeing my kids again, Saturday fun with them, and then I'm going OUT for the first time Sat night dunno what I will do but I'm going out.... Hang in there it does get better and frame of mind is Everything, think of a newer better future it's there in your imagination FIND IT.....

[guitardude]

Thanks guys for all of the support. My brother is coming in from Montreal to visit me tomorrow for the weekend. Hopefully that will keep my mind off of her for awhile.

[benga]

GD/H4B - both, welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of.. Between John and Lost you have both received pearls of wisdom, perspective and advice. I have nothing more to add to what they have already said.

 

Its been a while since I came on this board and saddened to see the arrival of GD/H4B, and I know that they wont be the last. Whilst the build up and the experience towards the bomb was different, unfortunately the outcome was the very same.. The rollercoaster of emotions will ensue. Learning, knowledge, self-education/help/awareness and allowing the water to flow of your back will are the only tools for survival. The highs and lows will continue for a while, but they will get better. The process takes a while (years!), so prepare yourself for the long haul. At this point of time there are 2 things that are important.

1. YOU

2. Your children - they need you the most. They are equally confused and upset, but aren't able to express themselves

 

While you will be overwhelmed with a sense of lonliness, you will have to find a way of bringing some joy into your life. Think of who you were before you met and think of the stuff that you had always wanted to do but didn't... DO IT now.. Continue with your hobbies, and things of interest. Try and surround yourself with people who add value to you. At this point of time, your ex wifes offer nothing but brain damage to you and those around them.

 

Your children need you. They have been through a lot of change and are eventually the most unwilling victims of the marriage breakdown. They love you!! Focus completely on them, and you will find some pleasure and some semblence of a family which you are all craving for at the moment. They are yours and they are all you have at the moment (and vice versa)... i speak of this first hand, and I partly hold my daughter responsible for helping me keep my sanity. Even though my wife came back after 5 years, the bond I share with my daughter even today - gets my wife hitting the roof.. I am clearly the parent that my daughter comes to for everything first up. I am the parent that gets the first good night kiss, the first hug, the first bite of her bday cake - It feels special My kiddo kept me going... Perhaps that what you could do.. Immerse yourself in complete parenting - it is a very rewarding experience. John raises his 3 boys himself, Lost is one of the most involved and caring fathers I know - they helped us survive this nightmare... in return, our parenting helped them get through some of their worst memories of their lives...

 

Hang it there.. nobody will promise you a blissful ending. How blissful you want to make it is really your own journey and how well you adjust and adapt to the environment around you....

 

Still - good to hear from you and for you sharing your newly found pearls of wisdom.. You will slowly get it too and are headed down the right path....

 

Peace to all...

Stay well, stay strong... I will be back in a few days...

[Jeffbobo]

Hey Benga, As with everyone else here, my story is generally the same. In addition, my ex expected that i support her above and beyond financially and even wanted to live together initially, do holidays together and get together as a family once a month. i could not handle being her punching bag for everything that went wrong and her demonizing me after she always talked up how awesome i was right before the lightswitch was switched. It's been almost 2 years now and I've gotten to the point where I've reinvented myself and even started dating. My ex and I only now text and we have our occasional flare ups where she like to take a stroll down memory lane to remind me and reassure herself that she made the right decision. I'm curious on how your ex came back to you after 5 years?

[surfjon]

Wow....Have not been here in like 4 years......Yo John B, Benga and Lost! I guess its like a "class reunion"!

 

Really odd developments with my ex after 5 years, we've actually gone on a couple dates, go figure....

 

Sorry to see the new folks here in such great numbers, to all.....you have great mentors here, they've been thru it...pay attention and you'll be ok...one way or another....

[benga]

Jeffbobo - I have no idea why she came back or why she does what she does Don't want to get into rationalizing that - because sometimes, it is what it is.. Perhaps because her life had gone nowhere, and I was doing fine... She didn't want to let go... many reasons, and to maintain the balance we have, I am never going to ask her why she did.. She said she missed us, and wanted to try again - so I took her word for it. Its been 21 months - not escstatic, but not too bad either...

 

Surf - Good to see you back here buddy! Enjoy the dates with her - it will be a different relationship I am sure, but if there can be some sort of "normalcy" between you both, any efforts you both make will be well worth it....

[lostandhurt]

Surf,

 

Dating the ex........ WOW is all I can say. You certainly aren't the same guy she once knew. Have fun and above all be careful. I couldn't imagine dating my ex. As you have seen Benga is the master of this particular situation so you might want to pick his brain a little.

 

I truly hope it goes well and if nothing else it provides some closure to both of you.

 

Benga,

 

21 months already? How do you feel? I sometimes wonder how you and "T" are doing and if your family becoming closer.

 

Lost

[guitardude]

Well, my divorce was final yesterday. Felt OK, not happy, not sad. I guess reality hasn't hit me yet. Can't believe how quickly it went.

 

My brother was here this weekend. First time since this started in February that she's had the kids. She had them for 4 days. After I picked up the kids, she called me and said our custody agreement wasn't going to work (our agreement says that on my week to have the kids, she will take them for 2 days; on her week to have the kids, I will take them for 2 days). She said she wants to go back to the 1 week on, 1 week off original court agreement. She said that it would be best for the kids not to be shuttled back and forth all the time. After some more discussion, she finally gave me the real reason: "I won't have any time for myself!" Man, I laid into her. I told her that I would miss my kids too much if I didn't see them for a week at a time. Then I said to her "You already see your kids only half the time now. Don't you miss your own kids! Is going out mean more to you than your kids?" After I threatened to cancel the divorce, she agreed to my terms.

 

She came over to the house yesterday to pick up some things and go over the schedule. After we talked about that, I lashed out at her. She has been telling the kids and her friends that we both wanted the divorce. I told her:

 

"If you think this divorce is 50/50, you're wrong. This is 100% on you. You're just looking for excuses. Look at your past history: you cheated on Pete (her 1st husband), then on Tim (her live-in boyfriend), and then on me. I never cheated on you. You want me to have sex with someone in order to lessen your own guilt. The minor issues you had with me were all fixable. Everything you mentioned you had problems with I was able to fix or was working on fixing. You never wanted to fix anything you did. Don't look at your words, look at your actions. Look how fast you started f*cking other guys. What are you going to do when our daughter turns out like you. Is that going to make you proud? No matter how hard you try, you'll never escape what you've done."

 

She responded that we both wanted the divorce. We both didn't trust each other. Wrong! She's the one who kept messing with guys and wouldn't stop. Every month for the last 6 months it was something different. I asked her to stop; she wouldn't. Then she said she didn't start f*cking other guys until the paperwork was submitted to the courts.

 

It was tough seeing her. She looked really good. Hard to think that my life with her is over.

[lostandhurt]

Gdude,

 

You said "Hard to think that my life with her is over"

I would agree with this statement but I think it should read "Hard to think that my IMAGINED life with her is over" How real was it really? When we love someone as much as you loved her reality keeps losing. You are now seeing who she really is and has been all her life for the very first time. You are not the last victim, just the most recent.

 

How we are so easily blinded by beauty, sex and love...

 

You did well standing up for yourself but you cannot make her a good mother. She is selfish and dishonest. In time you will (like me) have your children more and more and you will be closer than you can imagine. You will be the one they turn to, you will be the one they trust and in the end you will be the one with a great relationship with your grown children.

 

You are now in a place this thread was created for. Keep posting and asking questions. You would be surprised how us veterans can predict her future dysfunction.

 

Lost

[guitardude]

You're exactly right, Lost. My brother said to me: "Your marriage ended a year and a half ago. You just didn't want to accept it". I still can't accept it. I'm having a hard time moving on. The end happened so suddenly. End of Feb, we filed for divorce, 7 weeks later, it's already over. You're right that I won't be her last victim. However, I think she will marry again soon, be completely happy for 8-10 years like she was with me, then probably the same thing will happen.

[surfjon]

Guitar,

I can so clearly remember the day in May 2008 when we signed the final papers....

 

As I pulled away on my motorcycle on a bright Florida day, I was like "It's over, I can live now!" and how big my grin must have been as I rode along the ocean to go home...It was indeed very bittersweet, but she wanted out and all I could do is try to live again, and I've had a pretty good time since then........

 

When a couple with children split up, it's like the 2 sides of a coin, you must remain together...yet you remain apart.

[John Bendix]

I saw my X two days ago. My middle son, 24, had heat exhaustion and was taken into the ER. He is fine but my X showed up. I was with my youngest son and she just sat there. She made so inappropriate comments to my son in the hospital bed. Nothing outrageous just ignorant. I was making sure that my son was OK and I was upbeat, trying to cheer him up.

She barely spoke and just gave him a hard time about not taking care of himself. She did not say a word to me or my other son. I looked at her since she was mostly looking down to the ground and saw a pretty depressed woman. No smile, wrinkled, aged face, a little heavier (was always trying to be skinny, vain) and very uncomfortable. She tried not to look me in the eye. My Irish grandmother would say, "Guilty conscience need no accuser".

My youngest said afterwards that his mother is just plain ignorant and that he is certain that she knows somewhere inside that she screwed up and treated everyone badly. This does not make me feel good having a son (or sons) that thinks this about the woman I chose to have him with. I do not know this for sure for there are still, to this day, too many barriers up in self defense of her ego.

[John Bendix]

I have to add one thing that many may disagree with. I maintain, as the Family Court told me again and again which I held them to, that the children come first in the legal and social dealings of divorce and the parents interest means very little. I have taken that to the max. I do not matter. My own emotional distress was something I had to get through and solve. The kids well being was and is my only concern. What happened or happens to me is of no consequence. This is my choice and no one else's.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

You're exactly right, Lost. My brother said to me: "Your marriage ended a year and a half ago. You just didn't want to accept it". I still can't accept it. I'm having a hard time moving on. The end happened so suddenly. End of Feb, we filed for divorce, 7 weeks later, it's already over. You're right that I won't be her last victim. However, I think she will marry again soon, be completely happy for 8-10 years like she was with me, then probably the same thing will happen.

 

GDude,

 

It's been awhile since we spoke. You are getting great advice from the "pros" here. I want to share a link to another forum I frequent. In this link, there are other links to examine as well. There's one on moving on, one on 180/ GAL, etc. Even though your D is now final, much of this info is still relevant. I hope it is helpful to you.

 

link removed

 

Like Lost said, you are now in the phase that this thread was designed for, Relationship with the X. I continue to make progress, then I slip a little, then I make progress, etc. etc. It's likely that you will do the same. Don't beat yourself up. Just realize that this is 100% on her! Her re-writing of marital history (like the D was a mutual decision, etc., etc.) is to be expected. She will have to live with the consequences of her decisions the rest of her life as well as the impact it will have on your children, on you, and even on her.

 

Don't be surprised if she NEVER admits to making a mistake. Many WAWs simply lack the ability to accept any responsibility. It's kind of like looking at a crazy person and asking someone standing next to you if they think the crazy person even knows if they are crazy. Of course they don't!

 

As for Benga, I agree with his assessment of why his wife returned. I think she saw his life progressing nicely by comparison & she was sane enough to realize she'd be better off with the family.

 

And, I think you are spot-on about what may happen to your x in the future. Sure, she may "find happiness" temporarily with another man and go through the "honeymoon period" and even settle down for a few to 10+ years. Then, history will likely repeat itself. She is dysfunctional. She can't help it. I think all of our x's had some genetic defect or experienced a psychological/ sociological episode that convinced them that their spouse was to blame for their unhappiness & once they convinced themselves of this, it was game over & their minds were made up to flee at ALL costs.

 

I had a thread going on some site awhile back to see whatever becomes of the WAS (I was curious to see how my ex might turn out). There weren't too many posters, because most LBS's eventually move on and stop keeping track of their x's. So, your guess is as good as mine as far as what may become of our x's. The trick is to no longer care. It happened. It sucks that someone who we put our absolute trust in, fell in love with, had childrren with, and spent so many years with changed so much. You will get to the point where you hardly recognize her (JB's recent interaction is evidence of that). The women we fell in love with are gone. We are in love with ghosts. I look back on my efforts to keep our marriage together after she filed (and even the stuff I tried to do when our D was final) as trying to do CPR on a corpse. There comes a time when you just have to say goodbye.

 

Unfortunately for those of us who have children with our WAWs, we have to interact with them on some level indefinitely. I'm in the early stage of that, but keeping the interactions to an absolute minimum is key. That's what this thread was designed to help with the most. These guys are a terrific source of info.

 

Best of luck to you & God bless!

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

John, I've often wondered if your x knows that you wrote a book about your experience with her. I would think that she would have some level of shame with what she put you & your family through assuming she is even relatively stable minded (no offensive intended here). How long had it been since you saw her last?