Relationship With X

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

I just re-read your last post and something struck me about patience. My X seems to have zero. Her ego wants what it wants NOW. If it does not get it, the duo of blame and complain springs into action. It demands what it feels it needs and is "entitled" to, whatever that means. It is a part of the selfishness persona that they seem to demonstrate. The feeding of their own ego, which is self perceived to be very vulnerable (low self-esteem covered up by anger), is the only concern they have and it has to be done without delay.

[scornandtorn]

Scorn,

 

Is it a shame? I do not think that my X has any shame. She has never shown one iota of remorse towards me or her children for her actions.

 

John, how long has it been? I only wonder because I have this vision that someday she will snap and at least apologize for her actions.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Just wrote you a PM. How long has what been?

 

I always felt that she would snap out of it also. But the nature of the extreme emotional dysfunction tends to get them in a inescapable cycle of maladaptive thought creating destructive emotional responses which are fed back to the mind to create more dysfunctional thought and on and on. Even though they are suffering, this dysfunctional way of the ego is the only path they know. In their extremely distressed emotional state, they dare not venture off this path. Very few, like Rum's wife, ever do. Many therapists that I interviewed, agree that most will never see the light even when they hit rock bottom.

 

It is like Catch-22. The only way out of their distressed state and suffering is by seeing the dysfunctional nature of their thought-emotional cycle BUT in their distressed state they are incapable of seeing it.

 

We are all in this same boat but they let it runaway to a very high level of distress.

[scornandtorn]

Scorn,

 

Just wrote you a PM. How long has what been?

 

.

 

How long has it been since she "walked away"?

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Chronology:

 

Married 1984

 

She "lost it" September two years ago (2005).

 

Served me with divorce the day after X-mas almost two years ago.

 

Court awarded me temporary custody of kids and house Jan 6.

 

She was required to leave premises on Feb 1 (Asked her to stay many times)

 

April mediation agreement

 

Final divorce decree July 6, 2006

 

Paid her off (share of equity in house) Feb 1, 2007

[John Bendix]

Just spoke to a friend, who's the wife of good friend, and she had just read my book. Actually read it in one night. She knew my X somewhat. I asked her if she thought any of it was too unbelieveable to be true. She responded oh no, her mother had done the same thing to her step father (married 17 years). She said that her mom had even said some of the same things that my X had said, word for word. She says she hardly speaks to her mom because she is so irrational, denies anything that she does not want to admit and just plainly acts as though she does not hear what she does not want to.

 

Is there something in the water?

[benga]

Wow! Each day I get wiser and have more knowledge. This thread is just what I/we needed. I have been on this board for 9 months. I have contributed here and there, but I can attribute alot of my personal progress courtesy this thread. John - Thanks for opening doors to the club?

 

John - Your posts #151, #155 and # 158 are excellent and you have made some wonderful points and my eyes have opened further as I move down the path towards acceptance.

 

I have a question for you? In your research and study, have you been able to draw out any trends on the origins of the Ego or the genesis of what really creates this dysfunctional ego?

 

My thoughts about the X and perhaps why she is like this today.

a) Very spoilt and pampered as a child

b) Always got what she wanted

c) Has never said sorry to anybody

d) Has always had somebody fight and win her battles

e) Has not done too many constructive things for herself

f) Lazy

g) Extravagant to a fault

h) Poor communicator and masking true feelings

i) Fear of confrontation

 

I just get a sense that dealing with problems and conflict is something that we learn to deal with ourselves at a very young age. My X never really did that, so till now, she hasn't developed internal mechanism for dealing with crisis. When there is a problem - RUN. Run like mad... And off course be on full display and keep up a facade. There is also an inability to introspect, so naturally, they can't understand their contributions in the relationship, so the easiest option is to blame the easy target.. US!

 

John - I would be very keen to understand your thoughts around this and whether you have any additional research or insights around this.

 

Another question - do they ever settle down again since they can't see the light even when they hit rock bottom. I clearly want to move ahead and years down the road, I would not want any connections with her. Will she be able to let go of her angst and move ahead. Will they ever learn how to forgive?

 

It would be fantastic to hear back from you.. I also get a sense that once we have some of these answers, a future relationship would be easier. We would know who is a possible walkaway just by some of their growing patterns....

 

Your response would be very interesting.

 

Cheers

Benga

[scornandtorn]

John thanks, was just trying to get some kind of reference point on where I am at recovery wise with others.

 

Here is my resume.

 

First wife

* Moved in together 1986.

* Married 1989.

* "Lost it" May 1993.

* Separated August 1993.

* Moved right in with OM.

* Petition filed immediately, by her.

* Divorce final July 1994

 

Second wife

* Moved in with me 1996.

* Married October 1999.

* "Lost it" November 2004.

* Separated January 2005.

* Moved right in with OM.

* Petition filed (by her) March 2005.

* Divorce final November 2005.

* No contact declared, by me. (which she will not adhere to)

* Multiple post divorce hearings ongoing.

 

Both instances had common exit strategies by the walk away. Although my first wife has carried around the guilt for over a decade, we are now at least a step above friends. My second wife will never come out of the state she is in. All of her relationships in the future will fail, as do her mothers.

 

John, I don't know if it is "in the water" or some genetic phenomena.

[Rum]

John,

i just wanted to follow thru with my current happenings, i noticed you mentioned my wife a couple of posts up.

I noticed my wife "lost it" July of last summer. I can see traces of her returning in September this year. But she left me in November anyway.

4 days later she tells me of the affair, which i had no clue. I can see it clearly now, after the fact. It's so clear.

 

Anyway, something happened to snap her back. Yes she left me, but it was for her to build up the strenth to tell me of the affair. She had already stopped it several weeks ago, and in fact they hardly had any contact for several months. (she wrote me a 13 page book, because i needed to know ALL)

She hit rock bottom 2 weeks ago, spent 2 weeks nearly in bed, realising all that she has done.

This week, after 5 weeks of knowing of this, I hit rock bottom. I had a period of 4 days where i just felt rage. Not angry, but rage. I had to control it big time.

3 days ago, i told her how i felt, how i lived with a robot the past year, how i feel like leaving her, that it is too much to handle. because you cannot believe that the woman you've known since we were teenagers, lived and done so much, best friends, shared secrets, started a life and family, could do that. it's too much.

she left my house crying, very sad. the next morning she calls, i thought she would be broken, because she absolutely wants to be with me... but her voice was so strong, so decisive. we went to counselling that day.

she told the councellor that she had NEVER, ever seen me quit in anything. and when she saw that she said when she got home the previous night, she was more determined than EVER to get me back, no matter what.

 

my god that felt good to hear that!

 

so yesterday she's at home, we're talking about our situation. she again tells me she has woken up and see's everything so clearly now, that she wasn't thinking straight at all. but her word means only so much to me right now.

she's frustrated because she doesn't know what to do, no matter what she does i'm skepticle (sp). so i say.. "e-mail him" she says she already has told him it was over a while ago, but it was when she was still in the 'lost' period.

and he has tried some e-mail contact.

 

soooo, she says give me a bit. she takes pen to paper and starts jotting down stuff. goes to the computer and starts typing out an e-mail. when she is done, she says come read it. i read it. she says is this good enough for you?

i say yes. i cannot tell her what to write, what she wrote was her feelings and her realisations of the event. she clicks send. it was a stern letter to him about how she feels of the affair, how she feels now, and that there will never, ever be no contact between them again, ever.

 

 

From a self centered, no self esteem person to a strong, decisive, do the right thing, let's work together to make this even better that before woman.

 

After 5 weeks, she's moving back in. She wanted to reveal everything before she came back. She wrote her book which was hard because she now had to relive it all again, which sickens her. She also wanted ME to have the choice in letting her go or taking her back. The way she is fighting to come back of course i'll take her back! She has already started to heal me. This is the woman i used to know.

 

 

Cheers,

--Rum

[John Bendix]

Rum,

 

I am most happy for you. By empirical data, you two should have a better relationship than you ever had before. This is true. The studies show that couples that are having severe marital problems and work on their differences, the main one being meaniful communication, report a stronger connection and a happier marriage than even when they first got married.

 

It should be noted that in the county in which I live (DFW, TX), 70% of all second marriages (that were ended by divorce) end in divorce. No one learned anything the 1st time.

 

Keep us informed on your situation. Many here would have given it all to have a wife (or X) come to their senses. She has all of my praise.

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

I am currently working on my next book entitled. "Walking Away From The Ego In No Time". You can read an excerpt on line at Sprirtual Now under John Bendix entitled, "Awareness of Mind - Demystifying the Ego". Do not blame me, They called it that!

 

For my X, all apply except f. Lazy. She has always been a whirlwind of activity. She has always liked to create drama of some kind.

 

As you will read, the ego is created by the mind to help with coordinating its defense mechanisms to ensure the survival of the organism. It is a self propergating entity. It always seeks to renew and build itself to feel it is doing what it has to for self protection purposes.

 

Everyone has an ego and lets it grow to dysfunctional proportions. It is to what level we let the ego grow and dominate our lives that dictates the level of dysfunction that we are at. I have postulated that some go so far as to be described by the medical community as having some form of mental illness.

 

As for her letting go of her anger, who knows? It is her ego's emotional reaction to her life situation that causes this emotion. That anger cannot affect you unless your ego produces an unpleasant emotionally reaction that you take in and make a part of you. Otherwise the emotion that you feel in reaction to hers will simply dissapate as all emotions do.

 

Forgiveness is an act of compassion. Compassion is knowing that we are all connected. Who knows if she feels this compassion towards you? If she doesn't, what will be the problem?

 

We are dealing here with the uncertain and imaginary future. Let things come as they do and deal only with this moment. It is the only one where we can effect change. Expectations are the dysfunctional workings of the ego which seems to put our attention in the future because it cannot accept the undesirable present moment at times.

 

"There is also an inability to introspect, so naturally, they can't understand their contributions in the relationship, so the easiest option is to blame the easy target.. US!"

 

This is a point well taken. I am not much into introspection, though. To me it infers the mind examining its own thoughts. This is like using a device to measure itself. The mind is ill-equpped to do this. I think we need to see our thoughts and emotions, and thus the workings of the mind and the ego, from a better vantage point, without their interference. From the real self that is inside of us. Stripped of the nuances of the mind and ego. Heavy? Maybe, but it seems so clear to me.

 

Write me anytime. The "Clubhouse" is open......

 

John

[scornandtorn]

I guess we won't be seeing rum anymore. I am glad his is turning out better. And what ever happened to tigger? His situation must have changed also. Some people are luckier than others I guess.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Not a big believer in luck or fate. Things just happen as they do.

 

Where is tigger? Also, what happened to Surfjon? Maybe he met a gorgeous

singer in the clubs he has been playing!

[scornandtorn]

Can't wait to get through the next couple of weeks. The holidays are still rough time for me. To be alone and hoping someone calls is a far cry from the large family get togethers we used to have in this house. I can't even stand the Christmas music on the radio and find myself immediately changing stations.

 

It still just makes me sick that I have to deal with the ruins of our former life together while she will probably not even miss a beat.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Whatever she does, thinks, or feels, does not affect the person that you are unless you give it a reaction. Even NOT knowing what she does, thinks, or feels, does not affect you except by your reaction. Of course, our ego does make this easier to say than to do. The X-mas music and the memories are still creating emotional reactions. I would suggest to look at the memories and what ever produces these unpleasant feelings as just that, memory bits.

If you make them a part of who you are or associate your identity with them, suffering can most likely occur.

 

I'll PM you.

 

 

John

[surfjon]

Hi all..........

 

Scorn and John, I agree we often let the memories of what we thought we had invade our current reality and cause us the hurt. I'm trying to let the places, people and things that trigger these memories be appreciated for what they are rather than what they represented at one point in time.

For instance, I'm having a hard time motivating to decorate the house at all this year, I've associated the season too much with the memories of what we used to do and what she used to do (wonderful!), I have allowed it to really bring me down to another really low place. Instead, I need to be happy that I'm with my kids and reflect on my fond childhood memories and also the ones with her in the house us all together. I need to teach myself to SMILE at the memories of what was instead of lamenting what cannot be any longer.

 

My kids and I will instead go to our family lake house in North Carolina. A few days ago I was really fearing the trip. She and I took our first trip together there, we always loved it. We could walk in the woods and not say a word and be totally happy. I have taken so many trips there with her that everywhere I go will trigger some memory. Instead of letting the memories trigger hurt, I'm going to try to smile and think of the good times that WERE had, because they did happen and the feelings were great!! I want the memories, I just don't want the pain. I'll learn to turn it around. I need to try to apply that mindset to everything associated with her so it can't hurt me.

 

We spoke on the phone earlier as she was discussing my son and school band and we discussed the NC trip departure/return details. I thanked her for letting them come and that I understand this time of year is just as hard for her as it is me.

 

I was already misting up from her voice on the phone but when I heard her crying on the other end I sort of lost it and barely was able to say "I gotta go" before hanging up, she cannot hear me do that, I can't let that happen. But she knew I'm sure. I had to finish the conversation with an email to her.

 

I realize that I am sad to be without her, it's normal grieving process, but I'm so GD sad for her being alone on what was always a special family season, I'm also so sorry for my kids to be in a split home this first hard christmas.

 

Does this make any sense......I know this first christmas is painful, it can be no other way for me yet, however I'm almost more afraid of next year, when we're a year further down the road in healing and recovery, and both quite likely to be in other relationships, we're both young enough and attractive, so there will be others I'm sure. It seems almost like I don't want that phase to come, I don't want us to be with others but it must be, I'm almost afraid to heal because then it's REALLY over. I know and I'm letting that get to me right now. Any ideas on haw to address that with myself??

 

Oh, and Scorn...... I used to love christmas music, even cheezoid Burl Ives!!!

This year I've listened to none.

 

stupid attachments........

[Tigger67]

Holy crap! Yeah, it has been a while since I was on here! Chalk it up to being busy I guess! It took me about half an hour to play catch up with the posts from where I left off!

Surfjon-- Yeah, the first Christmas. For me it was last year. No tree. No decorations. No music. No cookies. Nothing. My X had the kids and was off visiting her family. I believe the extent of my Christmas festivities was me sitting in my easy chair with a pack of smokes, a glass of eggnog, watching 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' on T.V. Ho ho ho.

This year it is different. Decorated the house, put lights up, tree up at Thanksgiving, just finished baking some cookies with my daughter (I will have the kids this year), lots o' presents under the tree. Quite Holly-Jolly! Had talked to my X the other day as she wanted to find out what I had gotten the kids for Christmas, so as to not duplicate any items. She was then a bit morose about not having the kids, etc. Yeah, well, this is what you signed up for right? I have, however, invited her over for Christmas dinner, but she has not given me an answer either way on that yet. I figure whatever her decision (more than likely 'no') I cannot be made to look the bad guy as I have extended the olive branch, and if she declines, then it is her loss and hers to deal with.

Did have an interesting series of e-mails from the X about 2 weeks ago. She FINALLY answered some of my questions (It's only been about a year). She did go into more of how felt that she was to blame for things, and that she felt like she has failed her marriage, failed at being a mother, and failed at keeping the shop that we started together going. Basically feeling like a failure all around. Also got into more of that 'You are doing so much better now--I was no good for you' type of stuff. Wasn't sure even how to respond to all of what she said. I just felt sorry for her. It did seem though like a few stones were falling from her emotional wall.

Last week my daughter came home from school and informed me that my X had bought a puppy. I couldn't understand the reasoning behind this, as she already has a dog and a cat, and lives in a little 2-bedroom apartment above the post office in the town she lives. When I talked to my X about this, I must have come accross a bit harsh and scolding of her decision to get a puppy, as she stopped being interested in talking to me. The next day she e-mailed me and asked what was up with our previous conversation about the dog. When she did not get a reply from me to her e-mail, she then attempted calling me 4 times that day. ( I find it interesting that I have to wait a year to get the answers that I want, yet she won't give in until SHE gets an answer from me!) I finally did answer her call and we talked through it all. During the conversation she said 'I was really disappointed with our conversation the other day', to which I replied 'About me not being thrilled about your new dog?', to which she said 'No, I'm disappointed because I thought we were working on our communication skills with each other, and I feel like that conversation just set us back quite a bit". Huh. I didn't know we were 'working' at ANYTHING! Hmm. Must not have gotten that memo.

Regardless, we have had some really good, light-hearted coversations since then, seen a lot of each other because of various Christmas school programs, etc., but I am still not sure how things are. As I said, it does seem as if she is letting her guard down a bit, but not sure if I should just let things lie for now, or confront this 'working on something' idea a bit more. Have contemplated lending her my copy of "Divorce-Busting" for the holidays just to see exactly which way this is all going for sure (if she denies it all--going nowhere. If she is open and interested in talking about it--well, we will)

Anyway, that is where I am at right now. Any thoughts on this and the book lending thing?

Sorry I've been away for so long! Maybe I was in a coma.

[scornandtorn]

Welcome back Tigger. Are you still married? Fill us in. You invited her for dinner, WOW. I could never do that with the x. I can't even stand the sound of her voice let alone spend a holiday with her. I would rather be alone rather than dealing with her mindset.

 

Tigger, have a good x-mas and enjoy the kids. Surfjon enjoy your time with the kids too. Sometimes I think it easier that my x and I don't have children, then times like this I wish I had someone to share the Holiday with.

[Tigger67]

Oh no--we've been divorced for almost 1 year to the day now.

Yeah, dinner with the ex. Sounds like a movie. "Guess who's coming to dinner!" Still not sure if it will happen or not. Either way I'm still happy because I'm gettin' turkey,ham, and pumpkin pie!!

[John Bendix]

Tigger,

 

Scorn and I were just discussing the fact that we have not heard from you. We thought that you were a "Walkaway" from the Walkaway Wives Club. It sounds like you were in a well deserved coma.

 

You wrote, "She FINALLY answered some of my questions (It's only been about a year). She did go into more of how felt that she was to blame for things, and that she felt like she has failed her marriage, failed at being a mother, and failed at keeping the shop that we started together going. Basically feeling like a failure all around. Also got into more of that 'You are doing so much better now--I was no good for you' type of stuff. Wasn't sure even how to respond to all of what she said. I just felt sorry for her. It did seem though like a few stones were falling from her emotional wall."

 

This seems to be alittle of the PLM complex. She accomplished her goal in that she gotyou to feel sorrow for her. It is a egoic mechanism to ellicit attention on themselves and the ego loves that whether it is negative or positive. Maybe the wall is coming down a little but it can go right back up when the ego feels threatened. Confronting her is the way to get her to start building the wall again. Let it be. Let her bring it up.

 

The book does not seem to be a bad idea whether she reads it or not. What harm can it do? If it makes sense to you and you do not anticipate what the outcome of such a gesture will be.

 

surf,

 

Was there last year with the 1st X-minus X-mas scenario.

 

The saddness you feel is natural and it is there. That's fine but try not to let it become a part of your persona. The saddness you feel for your kids and your wife is understandable but it still a projection of emotion. You are reacting emotionally to the emotions that you perceive that your wife and kids are experiencing. That is a lot to take on for it is not possible to deal with a projection effectively.

 

You wrote, "Does this make any sense......I know this first christmas is painful, it can be no other way for me yet, however I'm almost more afraid of next year, when we're a year further down the road in healing and recovery, and both quite likely to be in other relationships, we're both young enough and attractive, so there will be others I'm sure. It seems almost like I don't want that phase to come, I don't want us to be with others but it must be, I'm almost afraid to heal because then it's REALLY over. I know and I'm letting that get to me right now. Any ideas on haw to address that with myself??"

 

First of all, you know that I do not believe that it HAS to be painful until it is. If you expect a painful reaction to your life situation than you have already brought the pain upon yourself.

 

That said, you fear the future. Welcome to the ego's stomping grounds. It is the fear of the future that fully engages the ego's dysfunctional nature. It is very tough for all of us to see that the emotional reaction of fear is not rational. Fear is only natural when it is used to signal the body's defense mechanism against a threat right now. The ego, and its ability to stimulate the mind to create images of the possible future, loves to play possible scenarios in this images. This is imaginary but still creates the same unpleasant and irrational emotional reactions as if they were real and happening right now. That is what the dysfunctional emotion of worry is all about. We all do it but if we recognize it for what it is, then we can let it come and go without judging (usualy denouncing) ourselves for having that feeling for that one brief moment. It is possible to have compassion (an understanding of our connection to the world and its inhabitants) for our own life situation.

 

Do what makes sense to you right now and let the outcome come as it will. When the outcome becomes your present moment, you can again do what make sense at that time. We can all handle what the world throws at us right now but are helpless to effect change in the imaginary future.

 

It it gets old me spouting off on all of this, let me know.

 

Best advice I ever got in my life was a question from a wise old friend who asked it as if I was a complete idiot.

 

"What's the problem?"

[surfjon]

John,

Thanks for the input, your posts are always helpful to me in trying to identify why it is I feel a certain way and trying to develop a strategy to correct the faulty viewpoints I often have.

 

Had to sit with her last night at my sons christmas band concert at his school. I was already really down from our phone conversation yesterday, never really quite recovered before I had to see her, I looked like hell with my eyes red and swollen from the day, again, it must be the pollen making my eyes water . She didn't look much better though, neither one of us could look at the other one. I didn't want to lose it in an auditorium full of people so as soon as his group played, I left while I was composed. Then I just banged my head on my steering wheel in my truck for a while and went home to my guitar, the only comfort right now. Thank god for that hunk of wood and wire.

 

On a good note, my kids are stoked to go to N.C., and so am I. Really looking forward to the peace and calm up there and seeing my dad.

 

I can only hope that next year we may still all be in touch in some way, but not on this thread. I hope we have a "hot new girlfriend club" instead

[John Bendix]

Surf,

 

To reinterate, this is my strategy, "Do what makes sense to you right now and let the outcome come as it will."

 

In trying to figure out why you feel a certain way, you have to first accept your emotional feeling as it is without judgment and without wnating it to be otherwise. It is there and is what it is. Denial of it will certainly identify you with it and you get to keep experiencing it over and over.

 

That said, If you accept the fact that your thoughts and emotions (in feedback from the mind) are producing your emotional reactions, you can proceed to deal with them in an effective manner. You need to see through them for what they are. Reactions that are temporary and not a part of your true make-up or persona. This is the illusion that gets most of us into problems by expanding the dominance of the ego in our lives. Seeing these thoughts and thus created emotions from a better suited vantage point that is available to all of us but clouded over by the mind of thoughts and the ego itself. The vantage point of our higher self that is able see through the workings of the mind and ego. Most of us have always believed that they are the real us and would lose our identites if we perceived differently. But that is what is needed to be done. Lose our identitfication with these two dysfunctional mechanisms and we free the higher self without hindrince.

 

John

[scornandtorn]

Wow, just as I have been preparing to get through the holiday season emotionally and alone, I get my mail today and I have a x mas card from my x wife. How can it be possible for someone, who is so shamelessly dragging me back to court over anything she can, to wish me a happy holiday?

 

I have requested several times not to contact me PERIOD. I don't know how to make it any clearer than that. She has her new life and I just want her to be completely out of mine. I gave her a choice in the beginning of this to be civil and end the marriage peacefully. She chose the expensive court battle instead.

 

Even though this has set me back some, I will not reply. Our next post divorce hearing is on Jan. 30 and she can deal with me then. That card went directly in the trash can where the respect I once had for her is filed.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Sorry that she does these things that end up bothering you. Who knows why?

 

Maybe it is to appease the egoic desire to drum up drama in her life. Or an egoic act in which she tries to perceive herself as the "good" person doing the "right" thing. Somewhere, deep inside clouded over by the dysfunctional ego, she has a sense of what she has done. She is not even cognitive of this but her inner self sees the folly of her ego-centric actions.

 

The worst case scenario (for her sake) is that she is just trying to push your buttons. She cannot do that in her present non-relationship with you. My X must also be experiencing the same feelings due to my firm stance on non-communication.

 

"How can he have no reaction to me?" Her ego, in a fit of dysfunction, needs an emotional reaction in order to again bolster its own opinion of itself. "No one can just ignore me. That would make me worthless".

 

Of course, dealing with such a irrational person and situation, I may be just spitballing.

[John Bendix]

My X took my three sons shopping yesterday for X-mas, unbeknowst to me. The youngest did not want to go but the older ones talked him into it. They were gone for only an hour or so. She bought them clothes that they said they wanted but she took the packages with her. She told them that she will give them the presents only at her house. She begged them them to go over on Christmas Day but they refused stating that they already have plans. That maybe they will go over a couple of days after X-mas.

 

Knowing how big a deal Christmas and family always was for her, this is probably killing her (or she is really dead inside). She woke up last Christmas morning without them and the whole day. I feel for my kids that they have to finish their childhood like this, with this type of person as their mom. But I did not want any of this to happen to my family. I have not been of the same mind as her when she discounted how all of her actions might affect the kids by stating emphatically, "They're tough! They'll get over it! Just tell them to pull up their bootstraps!" And she wonders why no one from her former family wants to deal with her too much.

 

Scorn,

 

I just remembered that my X sent out X-mas cards last year to all my relatives that she signed, from; "Robin and the Boys". My relatives knew the boys are with me and that they do not see their mother much and really saw how twisted she had become. She tried to create the impression that she was being a good mother and had a good relationship with her sons. Denial is a very illusionary act and indicitive of clinical emotional problems.