Relationship With X

[scornandtorn]

Benga, on your comments about "it takes two", I agree with all of them except "it takes two to end it". I feel it only takes one to end it. The problem I had was I didn't want to be the one that carried that responsibility around the rest of my life. I think it actually became a contest on who could hold out the longest.

 

There came a point when I had played that game long enough and drew a line, based on my tolerance thresh hold. Once she surpassed that line I put an end to all contact. Maybe I gave her another reason to blame it on me, I don't know, and I really don't care at this point. As far as I am concerned she ended it by having the affair and making herself emotionally unavailable to the marriage. All the BS I got from her about it being my fault was just that, BS.

 

Surfjon, man your comments about the counseling session remind me of the one appointment my ex wife had with the counselor I had been seeing by myself for three months. She finally agreed to go see him on her own and gave me the illusion that she was going to at least try. The reality was that she was only using it as a platform to further justify her behavior and set me up for future failure.

 

When I went back for my next visit, he looked me in the eye and said you need to divorce. I hope it turns out better for you.

[benga]

Surf - I know your feeling buddy. Trust me I do. But there aren't any easy answers on this one? I would recommend that you wait it out for a bit. Its only been 4 months and 4 months in a lifetime is really nothing. Ask yourself the question.. What will you gain by forcing the issue? Sometimes its best not to push for answers, but by allowing time to give you those answers. In this situation, time is our best ally.

 

I would say, allow yourself to "heal". Give yourself time to process what's really going on and get yourself back before thinking of forcing the issue. I waited for 11 months before I forced the issue.. i was ready and prepared for the response and possible outcomes...

 

Before I travelled out, I emailed her and sent her a few text's asking her to accompany me to the lawyers..... No response.... At times it difficult to figure things out, but its important not to read too much into it. She won't come home, doesn't want to work on the marriage, is OK with a divorce, but is resistant to it!!!! So, we still haven't filed. I will wait another 2 weeks before pushing again...

 

One thing I have learnt over the past 1 year is that you cannot control others, but you can control the way you react to others. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to react to anything she does or says... Don't react...

 

India is pretty cool actually. Its not how I imagined it to be. There is alot of development going on but its several years behind China on that one.. Folks are quite bright and over willing to work... Going to the Taj Mahal on Saturday and the team here is planning a river rafting trip next week - a team building exercise.. its apparently quite close to a holy place called rishkesh.

 

Scourn - I would agree with your observation. If a marriage turns out to be an emotional contest or a mexican stand off, its best not being married. How are things progressing with your first wife?

[surfjon]

Scorned and Benga.... John too!!

 

I agree, with the "only takes 1 to end it".

 

Before I taught my yoga class yesterday, my phone was ringing and it was her #, I was like "uh-oh, holy $heeot", I picked up and she was passing judgement on me for taking on teaching the class, accusing me of not spending time with my kids that she moved 30 minutes away, each way.

 

We spoke about the good things we had (finally!), and I told her we could have that back we could give another try.

 

She told me things are definitely over.

[surfjon]

Wow,

well just talked to her, it's just sad she won't try again, 2 kids and 20 years gone.

 

At least I won't hang on now, I am glad in a way that she finally told me she's done.

 

I told her I could let her go with love and that I genuinely hope she finds the one to make her happy, and I really mean it. I love her and if it's not me that she wants, I only want her to find the one for her.

 

I feel calm in a really odd way I wasn't expecting.

[John Bendix]

surf,

 

 

Sorry it did not go the way you wanted. I held out hope that my X would see the light and "wake-up" but they rarely do. They have learned to live by their egoic coping methods and do not see another way.

 

But at least now you have found some acceptance. She will not find someone to make her happy because it is not emotionally possible. No one can make you happy. It is too brief an emotion and not a state of being. A state of being is the joy of peace that comes from the understanding that you are connected to everything and everyone. No one can instill that in you. Only you can when you stop the ego from dominating your life.

 

In the county in which I live, the divorce rate for second marriages (after a divorce) is almost 70%. It means to me that those who chose divorce did not learn anything from it or the relationship and continue on their dysfunctional egoic ways.

[scornandtorn]

Surfjon, just be thankful she didn't develop a relationship to make herself "happy" during the marriage as mine did. It adds so much more pain to the mix. I hope you can at least look at yourself in the mirror and say I tried to repair the damage. That is the biggest asset in the road to recovery you can possess, as I have learned. I don't have any problem telling someone that I did everything possible for her wellbeing while she totally disrespected mine.

 

Benga, I am going out with first wife tomorrow night and can't wait to see her in the new beauty I see her now. I spent this week helping her remodel her house and getting to know her son much more. I really hope this goes somewhere but, I know I have to keep things in perspective.

[whodathunk]

You know I do draw a lot out of this running thread. I'm not a big poster and I don't check in all the time - but I really do get a lot out of everything that is said just because it is uncannily close to what I've been going through.

 

Long story recap - 16 years (I thought) happily married, three beautiful kids. She enters into an affair (we're still "sleeping" together mind you) a few months later she gets caught.... but doesn't care.... because this is the "new life" she has chosen. And so the past 6 months or so have been the very-painful-for-everyone-but-her aftermath of all that.

 

Among the many, many things that utterly baffled me as my whole perception of my world came unglued - was the litany of complaints and accusations that rose out of the clear blue in what turned out to be completely synchronized with the start of her affair. One that sticks in my mind was that I was too hard-boiled - she wished I was less "proud" and could be more open with my feelings. And yet... she treated my utter and open devastation with what had happened - with the calculating indifference of an assassin. She sure taught me there, I wasn't left with much pride at all...

 

We settled into an all-kids-all-business interaction format that has gone on now for months... not without its oddities. She'll show up here to pick up the kids at 7:00 on a Sunday morning dressed to the nines - heels, make up, perfume, flashy new jewelry. I'll answer the door in sweats and a T shirt - (I can shine up fine, but not typically at dawn on Sunday.) We'd "business-nice", maybe tersely address any money matters... but even at the times when the kids were really distressed, she has been as happy as a lark. "See ya on Thursday...."

 

(This is why I don't post, I could write a novel here...)

 

So anyway - back Veteran's day weekend - a few old friend couples who I hadn't heard much at all from recently, were coincidentally passing through town and needed a place to stay. It ended up being a great weekend - pile of kids having fun in the rec room, the adults staying up playing cards til almost 2:00 in the morning... it wasn't just like old times, it was like the best of old times (minus my wife of course...)

 

She showed up a day later in full costume... but I was just so relaxed and still feeling good for the first time in a long while. So instead of the usual porch-kids shuffle - I told her the kids were still getting dressed why didn't she come in for a coffee.

 

She was a like a deer in the headlights to that - the first time I think I'd rattled here at all since all this began.

 

She sat down at the table and launched immediately into a story about how she wanted to take the kids for an extra day next week because, get this, they were going to be throwing her boyfriend a birthday party.

 

I said "ok".

 

And at that she started melting down - telling me stories about how much the kids missed me, how she'd always hoped we could still be friends, even started complaining about her frigging boyfriend (which I shut down immediately - "not your girlfriend here sister....")

 

What the heck is that? If she is not obviously hurting me its not fun anymore? and the real person she used to be reappears?

 

But you know what - it has been so broken, it doesn't even matter I guess. I don't want it back anymore. Happiness or at least contentment does end up being the best revenge.

[John Bendix]

whodathunk,

 

Welcome back to The Walkaway Wife Club.

 

I think you know where I stand on the matter. When you thought that she was parading around all happy and wonderful, she was emotionally distrought more than you can imagine. Her indiference is due to the highly dysfunctional emotional wall that put into place to protect her from the huge amount of pain that she was feeling. The wall also keeps out any possibly (and in her state that could be everything) emotionally damaging stimuli. You being the closest human to her, emotionally, you were her biggest threat.

 

She was so emotional distressed that she had to attack. She was not capable of accepting any responsibility for her actions and reactions. She had to engage the duo of blame and complain for her ego to push the reasons for her state to someone else, you. It is all in the syndrome.

Now, she is faced with the duality of self, one she presents to you and the world and the one inside of her. They are in extreme conflict and causing her additional pain.

 

John

[benga]

Surf - So sorry to hear that. I know what you want and you'd want nothing to have another chance at making things work with your wife. Unfortunately, that's not what she wants at the moment and there is nothing, nothing anyone can do about that. Sorry. Its like you are telling my story. I am many months down the road and can relate to exactly how you are feeling. Still early days for you. Its been 4+ month correct? I would ask you not to force any issue at the moment. Leave her be in her new found "happiness" and "freedom". The emotional walls will not allow her to think rationally at this point and nothing you do to change, or words of affirmation - will make no difference. I am sure, a lot of what you see is a facade. I gaurantee she will be hit with a reality check soon enough and all this will crumble on top of her. I assure you of that. All depends on how patient you want to be. If she hasn't asked for a divorce, dont push it. All the professionals I have spoken with and reached out to, said to give it atleast a year. If there isn't a change in attitude, then its likely, there never will be a road back home...

 

Till then, focus on yourself. Focus on that routine. Find yourself things to look forward to each day. Make the most of each day. Ha ha!! I still find myself struggling from time to time, but I know each time I hit a low, there will be something that lights up my day... Hang in there bud!!! Keep posting and keep us in touch with your live. We are here for you mate just the way you are in here for us!!

 

scornandtorn - nice.. I am happy that you are finding comfort, solace, peace and love in your first wife. Take things slow and you will know where this is headed. Rediscovering love with somebody you loved earlier could be incredible I am sure. Keep us in touch with your life and hang on in here for us

 

whodathunk - I am sorry to welcome you into the "the walkaway wives club". we have a few members and unfortunately, we do expect some more to join us over time. Can related perfectly to what you are going through. The element of "an affair" or "the other person" can add deadly hurt and I am sorry for what you are going through. Its amazing that they will never acknowledge fault or accept responsibility for the demise of the wonderful long term relationship. Somehow they need to have their actions justified and for that to happen, they need an easy target - YOU. You are perhaps the manifestation of all thats gone wrong in her life. She doesn't realize that she has & and had control of all elements in her life.

 

Keep posting your thoughts! I am sure you will find many answers in this very thread. I know I got my anwers out here... Keep posting and we are here to help, just as you are..

 

John - Once again... Must thank you for this thread and for chiming in from time to time. I have many of my answers thanks to you and personally am indebted to you in many ways...

 

The X is being most uncooperative about the divorce. We agreed to make it painless for everybody. But each time I set up time with her to discuss the terms of our divorce she bails out from meeting up. Each time I fix an appointment with the lawyer, she claims she is busy. Not that she is doing so much. Just cant figure this out.

 

Folks - another classic feature is how all of a sudden the X wives begin to shine in their "full costumes" as soon as they walk out. All of a sudden all the perfumes, jewelery, high fashion clothes They walk around in full display. I am assuming - another facade.

[scornandtorn]

Benga, sorry to hear things are kinda "stuck". I know it is difficult to plan a future and a direction when things are in limbo. Hope things work out the way you want.

 

On the relationship with my first x, It has been building a little at a time and I must admit I have been kinda hoping it would evolve into more. This weekend I got hit with a reality check. She invited me to a party for her birthday with a group of her clients and friends. I accepted and was looking forward to it. Then the night before she called me and told me she wanted to be fair with me. I said, what do you mean fair?. She told me there was going to be another man at the party that she has been "seeing" but still wanted me there. I backed out and told her to have a great time.

 

This was a big pyridine shift! We don't have any commitment or anything, I was just shocked she hasn't told me this before. I don't want to put to much thought into it, but it was definitely a reality check

[surfjon]

Scorned, sorry to hear it didn't really go the way it seemed it was heading and yes, ons would wonder why she hadn't said anything prior to the day before the party. You were probably right to pass on it, it probably would have just been awkward.

 

Whoda,

Sorry to welcome you here, but the club seems to be the place for you too.

Nice that John B. got the thread going as we all seem to be in very similar situations.

 

After last weeks developments, I took a friend up on an offer to visit her in NYC, I'd never been and had met her a couple months ago, just a friendly vibe. She gave me a free ticket she had and put me up in Manhattan.

 

I left Friday and had a great weekend of seeing the city, she's a great guide, lived there 15 years. Saw many sites, museums, concerts and had some great food.

 

Best of all, I escaped the empty house for the weekend and it was nice to have a woman to talk to and have dinner with, if only for the weekend.

It was a really nice break! Man, it would be a great place to spend a year, what a music scene!!

[benga]

Scourned - Aaaarhgggg! Sorry to hear that buddy!!. I am sure you feel a little like crap. right now, but you will be ok in record time for sure. I am surprised she never mentioned this to you before. I was under the impression that you were connecting and developing a bond.. I guess all relationships are based on honesty and trust... I understand how you feel. I am sure its just a passing thing and you will reconnect. From your earlier posts, I was also under the assumption that you were looking at this just as a friendship... So just because she had another chap over, doesn't mean you cut yourself away completely. Remember, she has been good for you. She has helped you heal. Continue using this as a support mechanism for moving. Who knows what emerges from there....

 

Surfjon - Nice!!! New York is always nice Its good that you are getting away once in a while. I cant tell you the importance of travel during these times. Helps put some distance and keeps you distracted. Any communication from the X?

 

I am away, so its blissful NC for me... As a matter of fact, I love NC. its such a secure blanket thoughts?

[surfjon]

Yeah Benga, I've pretty much retreated back there to L/C, the kids prevent the full N/C.

 

No contact with her since some tension last week when she told me no way of trying again.

 

I let our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday pass without a word, it was depressing. Thank I drank a bit too much last night to forget it.

 

ouch!

[benga]

Yeah Benga, I've pretty much retreated back there to L/C, the kids prevent the full N/C.

 

No contact with her since some tension last week when she told me no way of trying again.

 

I let our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday pass without a word, it was depressing. Thank I drank a bit too much last night to forget it.

 

ouch!

 

Hey surf - know that feeling bud! Anniversaries and birthdays can be real tough emotionally. But you did good by not initiating any sort of communication. I am sure that would have got her thinking a)why didn't he call or b)what a jerk! Either ways - who cares right? I hope you feel that way!

 

I must confess, I wasn't such a toughie on my anniversary! I sent her a text wishing her the best in her pursuit of happiness! She promptly text back wishing me the same.

 

Surf mate - you are doing great. I see a lot of similarities in our epic! You will have your answers in time! Be patient, lay low, heal, get strong.... You will be just fine!

[surfjon]

I think I've finally made it to the stage when you start to accept the loss and start a real try at moving on. I certainly hope that she finds the happiness she was looking for when she left, but then again, maybe John B. is right that they are never really happy, even after walking.

 

I'm really unfocused lately, seem to sit and stare alot and just think about things. I just want to run sometimes, go far away and start over where nobody knows me. If I'm going to be alone, I'd like to do it from scratch. I know it's just dreaming of change, but I seem to do that alot lately. I like to imagine a different life(s) far from South Florida and people I know. I would miss my kids, that's the only reason I haven't pointed my motorcycle towards Baja.

[John Bendix]

Surf,

 

No matter your geographic location, you (the self) is always here. The here and now in the present moment. The connection to all things and persons is still there. Maybe this is the lesson that we have all needed to learn.

 

After a lifetime of struggling against what is, a moment of surrender brings on our awakening.

 

John

[scornandtorn]

Benga, our relationship has been developing for a couple of years as good friends. Lately however, I felt that she was pulling me closer and we were both becoming more venerable. Obviously I am wrong. If we were such good friends why didn't she let me in on her other relationship? I don't think I am angry just, disappointed. However it turns out at least we are friends I guess.

 

Surf, I am glad you are coming to terms with a different outlook on it all. I know that in the back of your mind there is a glimmer of hope and thats OK. Just don't let it get the best of ya. In my first marriage I also thought of relocating far away. Actually flew down to Florida, went on interviews, and looked for a place to live. Was there for a week and realized the pain was going to go with me and I had no friends there, so I returned home. Just my 2 cents.

[whodathunk]

I do hear the urge to just pull up stakes and get out of Dodge as well. Seems like kind of a half-life here as it is. No way to go anywhere forward with her, but with the kids, am stuck not completely able to let her go.

 

I wouldn't do that to the kids, but I understand for the first time why some guys fall to the temptation. Too much, too many of the old people, places, memories... Everything's a little haunted. Will be a bit easier once I get rid of the house.

[scornandtorn]

Whodathunk, I feel ya on the whole house and memories thing. I am still in our house and it takes time but eventually the memories will start to fade as sad as it is. But I use it as a measurement of the healing progress that time has put into the mix. There is still some places I refuse to even look at because they were "our place".

 

In August I took a date to my x wife and I's special place on the west coast. It was a place that had alot of memories, but to face it head on with someone new definitely put a damper on the tricks my mind was playing on me with the whole memories thing.

[whodathunk]

Hey when did you start dating Scorn? Have had a couple of little nothing outings so far. I married young and feel like I don't know how to date or at least how to make a first date move to a second one... Its been pretty recent though - first Thanksgiving, first Christmas coming up....

[scornandtorn]

I tried to date immediately after we divorced but that was a failure as I did have some healing to do. So I waited maybe a year, but it is now 3 years later and I am still trying to get my game back on. I get dates but, because of the way my marriage ended, I have a lot of baggage. It is hard to see if someone is honest and trustworthy. My marriage ended because she chose to have an affair. So I am just doing my time and hoping something legit forms.

 

I don't know your story yet but I can only hope your transition is easier.

[whodathunk]

I think it will - it already is easier than it was. I was in bad shape for awhile there, but the sun keeps coming up in the morning. My marriage ended exactly the same way and I did not see it coming at all. I was pretty guarded to begin with, so yeah trust is not something I will be doling out again anytime soon.

[benga]

Guys - getting focus back to the purpose of this thread.. The strange ways of the Walkaway...

 

I am still in India. Get a random text from the X. Giving me links to some schools that we need to get our daughter into in March!!!! weird. She knows I am away and get back 10 days from today. Pressing my buttons I guess.

 

Strange, irrational behaviour which cannot be reasoned with. I was told by a therapist that over time, this behaviour will create indifferences in me that will lead to disgust and distaste over time. Hmm! that would be a good thought.

 

I am 85% into acceptance, and know that I have a little way to go. I have avoided dating, sex etc... Sure, I do go out with women and enjoy company, but have been very self aware during this phase. I would stand to get hurt again if I got into any sort of relationship. I have little to offer the other person at the moment. She too would stand to be hurt. I wouldn't mind a one night stand though everynight, with no strings would be even better.. HA HA!!

 

Surf - Its all about that routine buddy. A good solid healthy routine. It clears your mind and helps you focus. What happened to Yoga? Any form of exercise pumps blood into your brain, gets your adrenalin pumping and generally gives you an overall happy feeling. I hope you are getting some form of exercise everyday. I promise, its one thing that has helped me immensely. On the days, I don't workout, I find myself distracted and find my mind wondering... Another positive of this is that I am in the best physical shape today in over 15 years... Getting my shape and look several years younger....

 

Scourned / Whoda - continue to share perspectives and learnings from your experiences. There is a lot we can gain from eachother and the strange ways of the walkaway....

 

There are many others out there who are going through the exact same thing and are gaining immensely from this thread.. Lets keep on getting some answers...from eachother..

[surfjon]

Good day club members.....

Benga, I agree that a routine is good, I had a pretty good one going in the beginning, was working out every other day, riding my bike, etc., but I've slipped a bit.

 

Back teaching yoga Weds evenings, but need to actually take more classes for "me" at this point.

 

She saw my name on the class schedule for the Weds. nite slot and she calls me and is like "Oh, I see you're teaching again", and I thought she'd be happy for me but she commenced to berate me for not spending more time with my kids.

 

I had to inform her that it's not her business anymore and that if she had not moved 30 minutes away (WITHOUT traffic), it would be easier for me to see them. I can't win with her, if I did go more during the week she'd probably complain that I was disrupting their schedule, sheesh. And It's hard to see her new place and neighborhood, I have to say I don't like going there, it really brings me down.

 

Now I've been slacking the last month, just have not been able to get motivated, but I need to don't I. The meds I'm on seem to make me lethargic and tired, I hope to be able to start backing down on the dose soon, but the rubber ball I'm in is somewhat comfy.

 

Got a steady gig playing Thursday nites at a cool downtown street cafe, would like to get a few more. I also take my battery powered amp and set up on the sidewalks and play, I guess I'm becoming a "street musician", I get to practice in public, try out new songs, and make a few bucks. It's a good way to meet folks too. I have a really sweet little set-up and need no power source. I like it because I can move locations so easily.

 

One day some beautiful girl will walk by and hear a song that will steal her heart........................

 

I can always hope right?? We can always hope, it keeps me going.

[John Bendix]

I had a thought after reading the posts. I have written before about a friend of mine that I had explained some of the situations that I was in with my X. After listening, he asked me in a "so-what" manner, "Whats the problem?" I continued on expalining to him about how this and that was happening or goinge to happen. He listened and asked again, "What's the problem?" and then he hung up. I realized instantly that there were no actually problems except those that I was either viewing and labeling as such or conjuring up ones that did not exist and were only images of what could be.

 

My point being that if I judge something and label it a problem, it becomes one. If I accept the situation for what it is then it is just that, a situation that I deal with at the time. Then it is done and gone. For it to become a problem again, I have to start to judge and label it all over again. Htis seems very emotionally exhausting and futile. I have to ask myself, without judgment and desiring the situation to be otherwise, "What can I effectively do about this situation right now?" If I can do nothing right now, it seems to lessen any emotional reaction to situation. To me, the emotional reaction simply is a barrier to dealing with the situation and justs creates an identity for the problem as part of me. "Being wrapped up" in the problem does seem to make it a part of our being and thus creates suffering.

 

Realizing that it is just a situation that has been presented in our life situation that needs attention right now, frees us from our identity with it. The process of dealing with it becomes much easier.