Relationship With X

[John Bendix]

stressedanddepressed,

 

I formally welcome you to the Walkaway Wife Club as it seems I have taken the job of "Rush Chairman". I truly wish the Club had less members.

 

please listen to the advice of Scorn for he knows of which he speaks.

 

As letting her hide behind her wall, I did alot of that but that did not seem to matter either. But when you read my book, you will see just how far my X had gone down the dysfunctional, emotinal road. If you want to see more, go to link removed.

 

Scorn is right that the intimate acts will be totally on her terms. If you initiate them, which would seem natural after awhile, they will most likely be rebuffed in some way. This will again, probably cause you to create a unpleasant emotional reaction.

 

As for Scorn saying that you will be able to take control of your emotions when you leave her's be, he is probably right. You can take control of your emotions at anytime but you cannot probably see that right now. It will take acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that you create your own emotions and she creates her own. Healing starts when acceptance of what is right now begins.

 

Keep us posted.

[just M.E.]

stressedanddepressed,

I read through your post, then went back and read it again, then read on through scorn's post and John's. First of all, what I get reading through what you are dealing with, is that this is "crazy making". Your wife's actions seem based in filling her needs and ego, not letting you go, not releasing you but at the same time not really giving you any real concrete sense of loyalty and love. To be blunt and no unkindness meant at all, this really sucks.

 

What I also feel is that when marriages come apart and one partner behaves this badly, you should not dwell on the concept of whether you were a good husband and partner. You could be Prince Charming, Brad Pitt and Bill Gates rolled into one, and it wouldn't have been enough for her. What I see, reading between the lines, is a need on her part to feed something within herself. That comes from within her, that emptiness, that can only be fixed by her. Sorry, but to leave your bed and call another man? There's some serious dysfunction there when a person can do that. I honestly couldn't imagine how bad that felt. You mention a crisis in her life, hormonal, midlife, etc and that may be very real. Peri-menopause can start very early, she's not too young for that. She may have emotional issues triggered by situations at this time in life, facing the "empty nest", watching her children leave may trigger a need to reinvent her life, now that she can.

 

What concerns me about her behavior, is that it seems to be the "all about me" show. Let me ask you bluntly

"Would you want someone who behaves as she is, in your life?"

 

Put aside all the concepts of blame, yours and hers, put aside trying to understand why and also put aside all the lost dreams, just for a moment. Now look carefully at what is left, look at what you feel and what you see in her behavior, don't read deep into it. When we read too deep, we project our own emotions onto another's behavior.

Can you remove your emotions enough to just be a "booty call"? Obviously there is still a tie for her with you, but be careful with that. It may be emotions that are still real and caring or it could simply be fear of moving forward. Falling back to you is what is known and secure, but this has to be so hard for you.

 

When a man and woman tie their live together, or even when they become entangled, I believe the human condition is such that there is an invisible string that ties our hearts, our minds and our "sexual organs" (for lack of a more accurate description). When you tug on one, you tug on the other.

 

You can't do this, move forward or save what may be left without her doing her part. The one thing you can do alone, is heal yourself, you only need yourself for that. A persons emotions, their anger, their pain, their happiness and joy are owned by them, no one else can make or take them from use (although I have know some people who seem to be able to suck all joy out of a room by simply walking into it).

 

One thing also to remember, even when our spouse has chosen a path in life that we see as destructive and hurtful, in the long run, we truly are helpless to change that for them. They have that right to choose their path, even if it ends in destruction.

 

We can never choose the path another takes in life, it has to come from them.

[benga]

Wow!! What a fortnight and great to be back.. I reconnected about a month ago with one of my old girlfriends and boy, we hit it off instantly... We took a break together and just got back.. There is excellent chemistry and connection - both intellectual and emotional. She seems to understand me well and we literally picked up from where we left off.. We dated from when I was 16 to 19.. I met my X very soon after.. We had begun to drift away because of college and different cities.. Kept in touch for a few years and then after that nothing till the middle of December... Boom!! It was awesome.

 

I am still trying to make sense of all the feelings and emotions I am presently experiencing. I will post a longer note when I get a better perspective of myself.

 

Just wanted to let ya all know that I haven't gone anywhere. I think going through an experience that have with the X has made me a better person, a better listerner, a better communicator and now better suited to be in a relationship....

 

Alot has happened on this thread over the past 2 weeks. I will spend time going through all the very interesting posts and write in more detail.

 

Strange - but till I checked into this site, I hadn't thought about the X too much

 

I don't know where this new relationship will head. But I am glad there is somebody I know who understands me and is able to connect with me where I need it most....

 

John - A very interesting thread started by you on the correlation between own happiness and divorce.. Read a few posts albeit briefly. I would love to contribute soon. You already have some of the wisest members contributing to that thread....

 

Benga

[surfjon]

Benga,

good for you, good luck with that bit of good news.

 

Saturday was my sons bowling birthday party, which I had not been told about.... I was lucky that I called my son to chat and he told me his party started in 1 hour!! Wow, I guess she didn't intend on telling me. I threw on some clothes and cancelled the plans I had and rushed the 45 minutes to the party. Her mom and sister (major supporters of her leaving me) were there.

But I did enjoy seeing my wife and hearing her voice. I was hard to look at her and I could feel her eyes on me and could see in her face that she feels some regret at leaving but she'll never admit it. I was polite and friendly to all, as it must be for my kids.

 

I was glad when I got behind the dark tint of my truck because I lost it for the first time in quite a while, I had forgotten how that out of control feeling burns. It's been almost 6 months to the day since she left and I can see this taking a long time.

 

Thinking of a move out of state, it would be hard to leave my kids but I feel a change may be necessary. I hate going home to the empty house, I'm burned out working at the same place now for 20 years, I can't take seeing her and I realize that will never change. I'm being flown to Maryland next month to interview for a 6 figure salary and place to live. I could dig myself out of debt and have a change, I don't know.... I don't know much of anything anymore.

 

Best wishes all.....

[owmart]

Hello all. I just read a majority of the posts in this thread and I am amazed at how similar our situations our. I was married for two years. I have been separated for about 4 months now. Pretty similar to some of the things you guys have been saying my stbx (soon to be x) blames me for everything. There was no infideltity, physical abuse, drugs or alcohol or anythign like that. We strugged at communication. me particulary because I have been dealing with depression. But i like to empahsize on the we part of this. She was just as bad in communicating as I was. Anyway we have a 1 year old son and A 9 year old (which was my step daughter). She moved out stating she could no longer live with me and took both the kids. I see my son every other weekend. I basically send her an email to see my son. She doesnt offer or volunteer any information about my son at all. I go to see him at his daycare as much as i can during the week. I tried to commnucat with my soon to be ex step daughter but she has not responded to me in any kind of way. I wrote her a letter and even bought her some things for x-mas. So far i have given up on her because she basically is ignoring me. I dont know maybe sometime after she gets older we will communicate but knowing her mother that is slim to zero.

 

I go to court on the 29th of january for temporary orders. Basically so she can get her child support. In my opinion that is all she ever wanted from me was my money.

 

We basically hate each other. We dont speak to each other at all. When she comes to drop off my son we dont ever say hello to each other. it is really an ugly situation.

 

From my perspective i am hurt and devastated i didnt want this divorce. I tried to convince her to stay before she left and she refused with her logic that this is so she could be "happy".

[John Bendix]

owmart,

 

"I tried to convince her to stay before she left and she refused with her logic that this is so she could be "happy"." Your quote has been heard by many of us here. Tou may be looking for a rational way out of an irrational situation.

 

Stressed,

 

Just M.E. has summed up some good advice to you and to us all. What she states does not just make sense for those who find themselves in thies specific circumstances, but also for a centered view of the world and our life in it.

 

Benga,

 

Good to hear from you. Hope you stayed centered. What "makes" you ecstatic now may "make" you miserable tomorrow, as we have all learned. But then again, all we have is now!

 

surfjon,

 

Have not heard from you on these posts in awhile. Hope the holidays were kind to you. My master told me once that a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with one step. Once you take that first step, your next journey of almost 1,000 miles (or even a change in course) begins with one step. Series of steps.

[Tigger67]

Okay. So, here I am again after another small hiatus. Have a bit of a recent development in the X relationship that I may need a bit of help with. It is not an unwanted development, but an unexpected one.

The other night my X saw that I was online and started to instant message me. We chatted for a bit about the kids and other daily things, when suddenly she changes gears and types "you may want to print this out because I can't believe that I am going here, but you asked me some time ago if I missed you. I wasn't in a proper way at that time to answer you or want to answer you. But I can now and I will. The answer is 'yes', I do miss you."

My only response to her was this

 

She then went on to explain how she had been feeling, her knowledge that she avoided issues that she didn't like so that they maybe would just 'go away', her constant feeling that she had to be the 'fixer' of all problems--mine, our marriage, the kids, and basically anybody that needed 'fixing', and would get frustrated or upset and then give up if there were not the results that she wanted. Was afraid to start our relationship again because she felt that the whole 'fixing' routine would start all over again and as much as she knows that it is not her responsibility to make me or everyone else 100% happy, she doesn't know how NOT to do that and can't shake that urge to do so, etc. etc. We then ended up 'talk' talking on the phone for about an hour and a half--nothing about 'us', but just friendly chit-chat.

 

I know I should be, and am trying very hard to, take this all with a grain of salt, but the mere fact that she has seemingly let down some of her emotional walls (after over a year!) and left herself very vulnerable by admitting that she misses me, leaves me in a bit of a state. I am trying very hard to refrain from saying or doing anything, and just 'playing this out' to see if it was a happen chance moment of weakness on her part, or something more.

 

Thoughts or insights?

[just M.E.]

Tigger,

My initial thoughts reminded me of the post on happiness, that many of the people I knew who were divorced because they weren't "happy" in their marriage, were not happy after the divorce either.

 

It makes me wonder, if possibly she is seeing some of the reality of that. You know her best, is it possible?

 

If you asked me for advice, I would say do exactly as you say you are and if you venture forward, to get both of you into therapy to uncover the barriers and bonds between you two. That is premature to think about that at this point, but definitely something to keep in the back of your mind.

 

I can see the possibility of her realizing that life is not as clear cut and black and white, maybe she is seeing things more realistically. Or is she lonely and painting the past rosier than it was? Time will tell.

 

Be careful.

[surfjon]

Tig,

Wow, I bet that did come as a surprise!!The things she told you are the same things my wife had found that she did in our relationship. My wife however, has not expressed anything to me like you just got. She's still firmly in her fortress with her support team on her side.

 

It sounds like your ex is feeling the loss of you and that perhaps mistakes were made in how she handled things.

 

I have always made it known I played a big role in our breakup, but have felt my errors were so fixable!! I have felt she rushed too quickly into the breakup when we could have stayed together and remained an intact family under one roof.

 

Perhaps I too will get similar dialog from my wife one day, but I sure won't hold my breath!!

 

Additionally, the longer they wait to make up their minds, the more likelyhood that we become shell-shocked, move on, find another or simply give up and then when they want us back, we may not be available to allow another try.

[smallguy]

Well guys, I'd like to welcome myself to the unofficial walk away wives club. 7 1/2 years and two little boys- then my wife declares that she has been unhappy for 3 years and has met someone else and fallen in love. the plans to divide our assets appoint solicitors and I will move out to my mums (i'm a mature student) have all been set in motion and so now- i am just live in childcare whilst she goes out with her new man. All since 10 december- so what a crazy 5 weeks it's been and reading some of your posts has made me feel alot less alone- I am amazed at the similarities in each and every case- I have not yet obtained or read 'the bible' but i do intend to- i can't get it on uk amazon. So, she has been pretty honest and open and as reasonable as i can expect given the circumstances- says she misses me, says she is greiving for the loss of our marriage, but still she is so absorbed in this new guy, a bit like a teenage crush, she is steaming ahead with all kinds of plans for the future with him. She has recently been diagnosed with bipolar and she claims that a recent manic phase in october of last year has spurred on her actions- apart from the usual stuff about my inability to give her the emotional support that she needs, on top of the fact that she has connected with this new guy on a level that she and i never did- so yes i feel crap. I am determined to come out of all this on top- and you will no doubt be hearing more from me- but really, I just wanted to introduce myself to you all as i have been following your plights.

[surfjon]

Smallguy....

We already met thru PM'ing, you'll find very similar consistencies here with others too. I hate to admit, I just kinda leave ENA on-line most of the day at work and when I start feeling down I try to turn it around by coming here.

 

What you have is made even harder by the cheating factor. I know that must be hard as hell, I don't know how I'd handle it.

 

I know this is a club I'll only join once, I'm feeling like I'll never get close with another woman like I was with her, I'll stay my own person and stay distant enough so that when things go south next time, I'll roll out of it differently. Maybe I'll be in a "relationship" (whatever that is) sometime later, but I know I'll never become so entangled again.

 

Read and post often, it helps.......

[John Bendix]

Tigger,

 

Just read your post and glad to see that your X has had a moment of rationality. So, it can happen. I am sorry to say that my X is too far gone, as I am reminded with occasional outbursts of convuluted blame and complain, to admit anything real.

 

By your X admitting that she "was wasn't in a proper way" she has acknowledged (through a nice way of saying it) that she was emotionally out of it. The last time I asked my X if she missed me and the kids and the life we had, I got, "I wasted 25 years of my life on you". It was my signal to walkaway.

 

I agree with M.E.'s sound advice (as I often do) on how to proceed. It took years, maybe a good portion of her life, to develop her view on things and will probably take a long time for her to see through her actions and reactions. But, as the therapists call it, a "break-through" has been made. A break-through of the emotional wall that has once shielded her from her pain and the rest of the outside world.

[John Bendix]

smallguy,

 

Infedility does add to an already complex situation. But it may also help her to see the light much more quickly. Yes, it seems bestto give her her space, for what can you do otherwise. But, as link removed suggests, you may have to set some boundries of how much you are willing to endure while pursuing a relationship with your wife.

 

Please do not believe in half of what she throws at you. She maybe trying to push the emotional burden of what she is feeling onto you. She maybe unable to take any of the responsibility of her actions in the confused and diminished state that she is in. Blame, and some of it irrational and unwarranted, may be coming your way.

[scornandtorn]

Smallguy, your story is somewhat close to mine. My ex wife developed feelings for another person (a friend of ours) and gave me all the same illogical comments about being unhappy for 2 years. I said to her "you have not ever told me you were unhappy." She swore up and down that she did and that I just ignored it. That is just the walkaway rewriting the marital history to justify their own reasoning and to gain approval from others for their irrational behavior.

 

I fell into the same trap of trying to put the puzzle together with no success. Trust me don't take her excuses personally. What I learned is that it really has nothing to do with me, the betrayed spouse. It has everything to do with her inner self.

 

Lastly, don't try and compare yourself with the other person. You are not on an equal playing field. She is in the fog and is not thinking rationally.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

You said, "I said to her "you have not ever told me you were unhappy." She swore up and down that she did and that I just ignored it. That is just the walkaway rewriting the marital history to justify their own reasoning and to gain approval from others for their irrational behavior."

 

I agree with your contention of re-writing history or actual living in denial. They probably feel they have told you but to me, not in a meaniful communitive fashion. It is done in the "relationship game" type way that we had learned to ignore. Showing indifference or purposely ignoring the other party is one of the main "tools". This can lead to emotional withdrawal by both parties. This seems to be the start of the breakdown of communication between the parties. Therapists have long recognized the severe adverse effects of communication breakdown. In fact, their main objective in couseling is to have the parties recognize how damaging this lack of communication has been to the marriage and how to re-establish it.

 

Other attempts of one partner (or both) without the actual attempt to talk things out in a meaningful (without egoic reactivity) way can be, hostility, contempt, blame, complain, withholding affection and intimacy, and so on. These are used to express displeasure and unhappiness of their current situation. It turns out to be as ineffective as hostile confrontations or fights. We have all been through the arguments and then the make-up. But, nothing has really been accomplished. The basic communication problems are still there and just usually covered over by the clouding effects of making up.

[Tigger67]

In reply to Just M.E., no, I definitely feel there is some of the reality of 'post-divorce ain't what I was expecting' setting in. Actually, I believe things are worse for her to some extent. I do think that all the problems she thought she was escaping by leaving me, just followed her, and in turn came to the conclusion that if she still had these problems and I was out of the picture, then maybe it was not all my fault.

I have already thought that if there were ANY sort of reconciliation at any time, there would be a need for some type of counselling for us. And I am being careful. Even though I would love to 'rush' things if they are going that way, I am a patient man and have waited for over a year for any glimmer of a breakthrough. I can hang in there a bit longer.

 

Surfjon--Again I feel we move as one. I also made it known that I felt that my actions (or non-actions) were a factor in our break-up. In retrospect now though, after a year and a lot of reading, I may have taken on a bit more of the blame than I should have. I also felt that it was all a little bit rushed and that it could all have been easily resolved and 'fixable'. I still hold on to that belief. I wasn't holding my breath either. And maybe that is how this all should be approached. Go on about life for yourself as if nothing is going to change or happen, and then be pleasantly knocked on your a$$ if it does!

 

John-- I hadn't said this before, but I'm glad you decided not to stay away from participating in these posts. Your insight and words have kept me going for this long while, and since the club seems to be growing every day, I hope you continue on with posting for the benefit of all future members.

[scornandtorn]

John, I agree with what you are saying about the communication and the "relationship game". That being said, I can see it as a common occurrence for the small things. Things such as I always leave the toilet seat up or I forget to set the trash out. As a result she harbors some resentment for me because I didn't do what she asked time and time again. Instead of having a conversation with me about it and risk an altercation she chooses to punish me by not speaking to me or withdraw from me sexually. This is understandable and I was probably just as guilty of this.

 

The problem I have is, when that same logic is being applied to problems of a larger scale such as the status of our marriage, her feelings for me, or how she perceives my feelings for her. Those issues are huge and how we choose to deal with them, I think, is the deal breaker.

 

If she doesn't have the same feelings for me any longer, then it is her responsibility to fill me in on this. At that point we can try and address why she feels this way and go from there. To give me suttle hints or punish me for these lack of feelings achieves nothing.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

I have to interject a comment on harboring resentment towards what they asked us to do time and again. In the extreme complaining and blaming stages of my X's episodes, she let it out that my sons and I were not living up to her expectations of what we SHOULD be doing. When we did not, she resented it and felt somewhat diminished (ego again) by the fact that she could not get us to do wanted she expected of us. We were showing her disrepsect by not compling with her wishes.

 

Those of you who have read my book have seen the analogy of the director (X) of the film (her life) getting emotionally upset because no one (sons and me) was following the script (expectations) that had been written by screenwriter (also her). This leads to admonishing the actors (us), followed by walking off the set (leaving), and then quitting (divorce) and starting a new movie (new life).

[just M.E.]

Again John, I am seeing this really is not a gender definition, but a personality dysfunction. You could simply replace all the "her" with "him" and the sentences would be equally as valid.

 

I am wondering if the male versions of this are not as able to remain in a marriage for as long. I read less about them in marriages and more in break ups.

This really could be a whole topic onto itself.

[John Bendix]

M.E.,

 

I agree totally. It is the Walkaway Spouse Syndrome. For some unknown reason, link removed does speculate on why, there appears to be much more walkaway women than men.

 

On this post, most of whom have replied, and we correspond between ourselves frequently, are men and hence the tougue and cheek name, The Walkaway Wife Club.

 

Maybe your supersition is correct. Maybe it is in the different emotional make-up of each. I do not really know.

 

We would be happy to hear what you think on the subject. As I have stated, the problem is that not too many walkaways will post. The ones (very few on any board) we think that may be walkaways, are so emotional charged that they usually just attack our premises immediately and stop posting. We never get a chance to even get a clue since denial seems to be a common thread.

[just M.E.]

I agree, we wouldn't get much if any input from Walkaway Spouses. My ex's comment to me was classic, almost worth doing in a cross stitch sampler it borders on the absurd. He left 5/31 and I took the "let sleeping dogs lie" approach and didn't ask him for an explanation or any information for that matter. I came into work and we carried on business as usual for a little over a month. Right before he pushed me out of the business he decided to talk to me about our personal situation, our marriage. His total of explanation will never be forgotten, I am still amazed that it can boiled down to so much simplicity by him. his words were "It's all your fault, it will always be all your fault"

 

I think the proper term for my response was "flabbergasted". That really didn't leave much room for open and enlightened discussion. What I see written here is very similar, something done or said that irrevocably breaks down any chance of communication.

 

I will try to give a woman's perspective of what I could imagine going through a Walkaway Wife's mind, only because I have heard the Walkaway Wife describe he situation before. Unfortunately, I will end putting my own imagination into this to take it all with a grain of salt.

 

The Walkaway Wife (WW) has unrealistic expectations of what her life will be like, in all areas. Marriage works for sometime, some longer than others, because in a marriage there is continual growth and progression, in most cases this is enough to keep the demons at bay. Slowly in time, she realizes that she will never have her expectations, being a person who cannot accept accountability for these being unrealistic and that she has done nothing herself to help bring these expectations to fruition, she turns her disappointment and anger outward. She can't blame the children because she doesn't want to destroy the image of a good mother. Now the good wife image is easier to discard, it's so 50's and June Cleaver. So her frustration and suppressed anger turns toward her husband. That is a socially acceptable, almost politically correct outlet for this anger. Soon, she has devalued and demonetized him enough that she can easily justify leaving him and filing for divorce. She will need to remind herself how bad he is so that the sane part of her doesn't beg his forgiveness for what she has done.

 

This is one possible version with much more in followup. I'd lay good money down that I have found a description for a few real life scenarios.

[smallguy]

As we are all veering off in this direction, I am beginning to wonder if there is some correlation or similarities of the psychological profiles of walk away wives. For example most 'traditional' women, seem to be more grateful that they have a marriage that although not perfect, is not dangerous or abusive and they (especially older generations) tend to stay married, happily, or unhappily. It seems that many of todays walk aways, like my very own are more independent, know what they want- dare i say it spoilt. In counselling the other day, it began to come to light that there were issues of manipulation, control, inflexibility and self righteousness coming from my ex to me, to the piont where I'm not sure who I am- for example I have started smoking again, which is something I gave up 8 years ago, and yet i identify it as part of my pre-relationship identity. Just wondered how many walks aways, are so determined to seek what they want at any cost, that when failing to sculpt their husbands into who they want, give up and start the process again in our 'I want it now' society.

 

A second point that I'm struggling with is like many of you guys, the one thing we'd all like is for thins to be as they were before she walked away- and we tend to carry this ideal with us for a long time- In reality if we were to reconcile, there has surely been too much water under the bridge for things ever to be the same. When this kind of feeling transfers to our next relationships it materializes in issues of trust, honesty and openess. IE: We couldn't of trusted any more than we did, and that got us nowhere, so how can we prevent ourselves from being so vulnerable again with no detriment to our relationships?

 

Like everyone, I am not ready to get back into a long term relationship this soon after a breakup (5 wks) but i'm sure there will come a time when I do want to share mundane life with someone, I just hope that I am not too 'damaged' to facilitate this.

 

Keep posting guys, I am learning a lot about waw, and myself- the worst news today is that as an english lit undergraduate, first book on my list this semester is 'The Awakening' about a womans passionate infidelity- JUST WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. take it easy.

[scornandtorn]

just me, thank you for your input. I definitely like your approach, the "let sleeping dogs lie" attitude. Your ex spouse's rationalization, "it's all your fault", seems to be the common denominator whether the walkaway is male or female.

 

Your ex left you with such a simplistic reason for such a complicated life altering decision as did mine. If the spouse wants to just walkaway, is it to much to ask for a real explanation? Something with some substance, rather than some general comments or simply assigning the blame to the other.

 

I know in my case, the healing journey would have been significantly shortened if she had told me something close to the truth. Such as, "look I don't love you anymore and I have been involved in an affair with your friend. I am sorry for causing you this pain and if you would like for me to discuss it further, let me know because I care for you as a person and I want you to heal from this."

[surfjon]

All,

 

I too feel there are different types of women, sort of as Smallguy posted, my wife became her mother.

 

I saw this begin 15 years ago when my wife was quite young. Her mom left her dad when she was 12 or so. She then idolized how over the years her mother built up a successful business and prospered on her own. Her mother also had a failed 2nd marriage and then several failed relationships, she then REMARRIED the 2nd husband and it failed again and horribly. These failed 2nd and

3rd marriages all occurred during the time my wife and I were together, so I saw it all first hand.

 

My wife SO emulated her mother, right down to even saying the exact things her mom would say, certain expressions her mother used, she too used and even then it worried me.

 

Soon her mom lived accross the street from us, and her hold on my wife tightened. My wife saw her mom, successful and on her own, and seemingly happy (Ha!). I knew she wasn't.

 

By now, my wife worked with her mother and her career was the same. Three years ago she and her mother and sister started a company together, and then the trouble really started.

 

She totally became her mom, way overdriven, unable to slow down. She couldn't even sit down and read without feeling like she should be "working" either around the house, or on company business. She emulated her mother so much I saw the end 2 years ago, but there was no turning back.

 

I miss her, but she's still becoming more like her mother every day and I'm glad to be away from it to be honest. Her sister and mom are poisoning her and she won't see it.

 

She'll also be like her mom in another way, neither will ever find peace and what we term "happiness".

 

I agree that even if we reconciled, things would never be ok.

[whodathunk]

A second point that I'm struggling with is like many of you guys, the one thing we'd all like is for things to be as they were before she walked away- and we tend to carry this ideal with us for a long time- In reality if we were to reconcile, there has surely been too much water under the bridge for things ever to be the same.

 

Yes, coming to terms with this may have been the most difficult challenge of all, and the source of the most pain. In the best of moments, I can believe that one day things might be as good or even better. But they will never ever be the same. That chapter of life was closed for everyone in my family, saddest of all for the children. I may hope to have another, better relationship one day... but their primary family was permanently broken - and on the most flimsy of pretexts. It was an untimely loss of innocence for them, and it still feels like a death.

 

Today would have been... is still legally... my 16th anniversary and it is hitting me suprisingly hard....