Relationship With X

[benga]

John - Excellent post. A little heavy (I had to re-read it to get the meaning entirely) but makes incredible sense. Inwardly we all know what we need to do while faced with "a problem", but is dealing with it that we need to master.

 

I think I have recognized so many of your posts as helpful, this thread is not permitting any more additions for your reputation

 

Understanding the problem itself if key. Once you have understood what you are up against or are perceiving to be the problem, half the war is won. That is when you can plan ahead and get a grip of the situation.

 

Its with the benefit of this thread and book that I have been able to identify the problem and myself in it. And as such there is no problem that doesn't have a solution, but the situation I am in, I have only control over myself and my own actions. That all.. .THE END...

 

There is no winning with the X. There is no point trying to understanding the X. There is no point thinking of the X. There is no point trying to figure out the why, where how... I/You have no control over that. No control over her thought patterns, behaviours, image, facade...... I/You only have control over ourselves and how we choose to react in this situation.

 

Restricting the X or forcing issues, only pushes them further away. I forced the divorce issue... She has been very evasive after that. For the past few months, she was open to meeting, lunches, dinners etc... But after the divorce conversations... evasion... I am not reading into this, nor do I want to understand why or what is causing this behaviour. I want a divorce, I want to move on, its my life and today I know, I am ok without her in it and that is my reality.

 

Got another text from her this morning. It was a standard notification from her bank advising her that her credit card payments are coming up... Well, its her credit card. I used to pay for it when we were married, I continued paying for it till July... I stopped. Its her card, so why should I pay... But month on month, I continue receiving the reminder notification on the 7th of each month, advising me that her card payments are due.. She receives it and forwards it to me... I don't want to understand this behaviour or what it will accomplish...

 

John - Thoughts?

 

Surf - Good on you buddy. Its baby steps. Some days we stand up and walk, some days we fall. We are learning how to walk all over again. It takes time and some amount of effort and will. I felt similarly. Some days not wanting to get out of bed. I set myself a reminder/alarm on my phone each morning with an inspirational quote that made me feel better and sort of like "get your ass of you bed and focus on your future"... Everyday!!!

 

I keep bragging about my routine and how happy I am with it. It took me a while to get here. I think I understood the importance of it around the 6 month mark. Sure, there are days even now that I fall back sometimes. But those are getting rare.. I hope...

 

Yoga is wonderful. Music is fantastic. You have 2 extremely helpful skills that are known to be fantastic healing remedies. Make use of the resources available within yourself and focus ahead. There is no winning a debate with the X. If you want to win a war, win it with your head. You will only win with you head once you are mentally, physically and tactfully stronger. You will win once you re-discover who you are, what you stand for, what you are wonderful at and the fact that you are self sufficient and will be fine by youself and for who you really are..... Post away mate... This is a crucial time for us all...

 

Cheers

Benga

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

I agree with you on this.

 

With dealing with the X, she's non-communicative, irrational, demonstrative, mean, self-serving, etc. So, what is the problem? There is none unless we make it into one for ourselves. You are right that it not our problem. But we all seem to have a lingering connection with the X that induces us to want to try. Upon acceptance of the fruitlessness of such endeavors, I simply do not see the need.

 

I, myself, paid for everything in order to ease the burden of the suffering that she was going through but it was never enough for her. My mother tried to impress upon me two things; always wear clean socks and never argue with crazy people. Good, simple advice. This is tongue and cheek but the point being that trying to have a rational conversation with someone who refuses to be rational, is futile. Whether you label one person rational and the other not rational does not matter. Both are on two different levels of communication. It will not work.

 

Benga, do what makes sense to you and let the outcome come as it will.

 

"I think I have recognized so many of your posts as helpful, this thread is not permitting any more additions for your reputation"

In regards to this, I honestly do not know what it means.

 

John

[John Bendix]

Scorn and whodathunk,

 

I agree about the memories. I could not, for the longest time, take a shower in the master bedroom after my X left. Right up until the day she "lost it", we showered together there. It was a lonely and errie feeling. Once i realized that it was only a memory and not a part of me, those feelings subsided. I still remember but do not have the emotional reaction to those memories anymore.

[scornandtorn]

John, when will her ego rest? I mean I have to go to court again next week for another post divorce review hearing. There is no more blood to suck out of this turnip. When will she be happy with her decisions and go about her life and leave me out of it? She is arguing over nothing and it's frivolous. I am trying so hard to move on with my life and am tired of getting drug back in the past.

[whodathunk]

I often just keep the tv on even when I'm not watching it just because otherwise the silence is too "loud".

 

A discovered the other day that a coworker of mine lives in my same little town just around the corner. She said to me the other day, when I told her which house was mine, "Wow I didn't think anyone was even living there - that house is always dark..."

 

The contrast between what is and what was does come around to bite me a little bit sometimes.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Unfortunately, The ego is usually relentless in its pursuit of what it perceives it lacks. By its very nature, it is always in need of something. It is insatiable until we see through its actions and reactions.

 

It seems as though your X needs drama. The relentless ego needs drama to give it a sense that it doing something. It is almost as if, when there is no drama, the ego is uneasy and conjurs up something to stir up a little action. It seeks that feeling of fulfillment (excitement) that bringing a little drama into our life situation may bring.

 

To me, I would let her have her day in court (it is going to happen anyway) without any reaction either outwardly to her or an emotional reaction inside of me. I would just let it come and go as if it were anything else happening that day. I am not saying for you not to stand up for your rights but do not let her egoic need for drama dictate your reaction.

 

John

[John Bendix]

Whodathunk,

 

When we no longer have to notice the contrast between what is and what was, and only see what is right now, there is no longer any bite to "what was". It is a question of where we put our attention.

[scornandtorn]

Not looking forward to the hearing with my x on Wed. I can only imagine what is store for me this time.

 

On a lighter note I met someone new tonight, very pretty and had a good chat. Sometimes I really don't think I will ever be able to attract someone new and then something happens that brings some hope for the future into focus.

 

I hope someday to have a relationship at the same level I felt in my former marriage. Although I don't like playing the games, I do like feeling the attraction. We talked about meeting again next weekend and I can't wait.

[whodathunk]

Hey Scorn that's great! It is nice to look forward to something. I had met someone very nice last week for a movie. We had a really good time, but I just didn't know how to end the date or what to do next.

 

Well she called me tonight and said "Hey there - I guess I'd die waiting on you to call me."

 

I just laughed and told her that I had grown up where ladies waited for the men to call up. She said she was pretty sure that was exactly what "ladies" do.

 

Oh it was fun to laugh. We're going to dinner tomorrow.

[benga]

Got back a day ago and went to see my daughter on Sunday morning and dropped her back in the evening. Met with the X and spoke about this and that for about 1 hour.

 

I guess I just returned and the thought of the impending divorce is making me feel a little low.

 

The X has been very non communicative on stuff that matters. She was looking rather beautiful yesterday and I guess some of the feelings of longing came right back. I have been on a high for the past few weeks. I hope this is just a phase that will pass and I will be back on track once again. Jet lag, and not having worked out for 3 days could also be a reason why I am feeling so low, empty and lonely. This sucks!!! I hate feeling this way. I hope its just a day or two and I start really focussing on myself.

 

I think deep down, I felt that if I push the divorce, she might come around and think rationally. I don't see that. I don't think she is happy with divorcing and its the ego that is preventing her from acknowledging some of her contributions... She is in a very selfish phase of her life and there is nothing I can do to change it... I did think that she would get a "jolt" and come around. Even though she must have got the jolt, the ego prevented her from recognising it.

 

I am feeling lonely. I miss my daughter like crazy and I miss my life the way it was. It wasn't perfect - who's life is perfect, but today I miss it for the way it was. I do miss the X wife.... I feel low....

 

Strength....

 

Benga

[surfjon]

Benga,

I relate to how you're feeling, I had my kids this weekend. It was nice having them there, even my cats acted differently!! They were running around excited to have people there again. It was to have been her weekend with them, but they asked her if they could be with me. I missed my last weekend as I was in NYC.

 

I could tell they were down when I dropped them this morning. My son gets clingy and today he cried, it was the saddest. I haven't shed tears in a while, but couldn't help it when I got in my truck and drove away with him looking out the window waving goodbye. I don't even care anymore that she is gone, I'm angry that she broke us up and wouldn't try. Since she told me "no, I'm not willing to try, it's over", I've been a bit calmer since I know it's really done. I have to remain friendly for my kids well being.

 

One day when we're standing at a mutual function relating to our kids, when I'm standing there with someone and she's standing there with someone, I wanted to feel I tried to fix things, I made many mistakes it's true. But I would have done anything to save us and keep our kids with a mom and dad under the same roof. She claims they are "happier" now, I don't see that as factual.

 

Whooda and Scorned,

I relate to that good feeling when you feel like you're wanted or desired by someone attractive to you. Girls approach me alot when I play out but I politefully have declined. Now that she told me it's done, I feel different. I feel like I'd like to casually go to dinner or a movie with someone pretty.

 

I met a gorgeous girl Friday night, we danced, she asked me out to dinner so we're going tonight, I walked her to her car and she threw her arms around me and kissed me, I almost fell over. I told her my situation fully and she's ok with it and that I am not ready for a relationship or much else other than friendship and conversation. At least she's not attached.

 

I must admit, the idea of sitting accross from a beautiful girl at dinner is quite appealing at the present time

 

wish me luck........

[John Bendix]

Guys,

 

It is true that there a lot of women out there. Some who love to be around men that have given their all to their respective spouses no matter how they were treated. I do hope that you all run into someone that completes you.

 

For me, I am not real all that interested in having someone complete me. I felt whole again when I realized that I no longer HAD to have a women in a special position in my life. The price I have to pay for that is just too high and not worth the investment. I do not see the need.

 

Surf,

 

Yes it is probably true that your wife has gone the extra mile to convince herself that the kids are happier in their present situation. It would be a blow to her emotional state to believe otherwise. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism but extremely dysfunctional. More's the pity.

 

I too have felt many different emotions that my children no longer have a mother to grow up with. I would have done anything to keep my family together.

 

Benga,

 

The jolt you speak of can work in many directions. The one that you seek, according to professional experience, rarely happens. Most of the time it just pushes them further down the same mindset that got them into the situation that they are in. It is the ego's way of coping and ingrained in their responses. This is especially true when in a distressed emotional state.

 

I do at times miss the family that I once had but change is ineviatable. My X is still the most physically beautiful woman I have ever known. When I think of her, I feel sorry for her state of mind. Her pursuit of a perceived happiness has torn a family apart and estranged her from her kids. She does not get to see her children grow up. How she can justify that to herself is beyond me. Then again, it is probably all my fault and has nothing to do with her. There is no force on the planet that could keep me away from them.

 

As for strength, it comes from acceptance.

[Rum]

Hi guys,

I must say, i have been reading your postings with interest and they are eye opening. I also must say i feel for you guys. I can see each and every one of you are very decent people.

Maybe i'm here to read what my future will be, i dunno.

 

I am not in the "Walkaway Wives Club" but am close.

 

My story.. November 2006, i get the 'sit down we need to talk' speech. i sit down and she tells me she is not happy living with me. She leaves for the weekend and stays at a friends house (a couple we know)

She left on that friday night, we talked sunday and she comes back.

 

I ask her what is wrong? She says she doesn't feel right in our house, that both myself AND her need to make changes to make this work. I say yes, let's work it out. She writes me a long letter of things we need to do.

For the most part, they make sense. She wants more communication between us, she wants me to help around the house more, she lists many more that WE can both do to make things better.

 

Things are great until January, at the New years party she started 'dirty dancing' with a friend of mine on the dance floor, in front of me and my friends. It was nothing that wild mind you, but not something a mother in her late 30's should be doing. My wife is very attractive, slim and in great shape.

In my eyes she looked like a horny 16 year old, not my wife.

I know on these wild parties, things like this can happen and it was innocent, but not after the 'speech' i got in November. She should not be doing this.

 

A few months later, i organise her birthday party. We go out us and a bunch of our friends. She had gotten drunk by 9pm. Acting foolish, and giving me a hard time.

 

In April, I had the sit down talk with her. I gave her so much * * * * . I told her to stop her binge drinking when we go out, that what she did in january was total disrespect towards me, and to stop purposefully doing things to aggravate me.

 

For the 1st time since November, i felt good inside. I finally cleaned all the crap that was building inside. We both agreed to work it out... finally, we'll be ok.

 

August. i get the 'sit down we need to talk' speech. i sit down and she tells me she is not happy living with me. (heard this before, i just copied and pasted from above) I say "huh?"

she wants to leave, i say why? she's just doesn't feel well in our house.

i tell her can we work it out? she says yes, but we need to communicate. ok.

i tell her i knew that since last november, but no matter what i try she isn't there. it's like living with a robot. (honest, i feel like i'm living with a robot, no feelings at all)

we immediately start counselling, we also plan a 4 day weekend to get away from it all.

the couselling is so-so. for starters you need to be honest, and she wasn;t.

she also made out a list of things we need to do to make it better, just like it said in November. the difference is the November letter was things WE should work on, the August letter was things "I" need to work on. It's a total joke that letter.

From april to august she did NOT communicate, she closed herself up. The talk i gave her made things worse.

 

Anyway, in September we leave for the 4 day weekend. It was the best 4 days we had spent together in a loooong time. It was like we were both 16 or 18 again. We ate at fancy restaurants, enjoyed each others company, took boat cruises, watched the sunset together. it was an awesome weekend and i thank her for that. she felt the same way.

 

We get back home, and things turn worse after a couple of weeks. the robot is back, i stop telling her i love her, i basically quit trying myself. i'm fed up, no more energy to work this.

 

November past, 2+ months after our awesome september holiday.i get the 'sit down we need to talk' speech. i sit down and she tells me she is not happy living with me.

 

Do i hear an echo?

 

Fudge this, i'm fed up too with her games.

 

She leaves on the saturday, i let her go this time without any argument that we can work this out. she comes back on Tuesday, 4 days later, to tell me she was having an affair.

 

BOOM. I held her and comforted her while she cried her eyes out. It just killed me. But i still held her. She could not believe i would still hold her. She felt ashamed, dirty, guilt ridden, that i did not deserve a piece of trash like her. (her words)

I felt relieved in a way. Because finally i knew what the problem was. No wonder we couldn't work things out, she was with someone else.

 

She absolutely wants to be with me, i tell her i need details and she says she needs time because she can't believe what she did. She admits to purposefully to things to push me away during the whole year (the dirty dancing episode is but 1 example) But she says i kept standing by her and she didn't know why. (maybe because I made a promise many years ago to stand by her in good times and bad? Duh!) i am not religious by any means, but we are married, but imade that promise to her, in front of family and friends, and i would do anything in my power to keep it that way.

it's not like we despised each other, we had 20+ awesome years together, and she knows that. we have done and seen so many things together.

we started out as teens together, i am now 40, she's a couple years younger.

 

So she tells me of the affair, it was not a serious affair ( if that can be said) but an on-and-off thing with a coworker for over 1 year. (the first 6 months or so were lunch dates, with kissing once in while, they became intimate last November (at the same time she wanted to leave me, and gave me the letter with what WE needed to do to make things better)

so that letter was complete bull. she had gotten deeply into this other man.

 

She has since told me almost all, the rest is coming as part of a journal she is now writing. That will be in my hands tonight.

 

She has already told me the details, where they met, when, etc. She bought the book "After the Affair" and cried for 2 days in bed after reading the first few lines in that book. She is willing to move heaven and earth to fix what she has done. We've done heavy counselling since she revealed the affair story.

 

The reasons we were going up and down in our marriage.. things would be going good because she kept trying to stop being with him. But then every 4-6 weeks they would hook up. Her guilt trip would then be used as pushing me away, hence the bad couple weeks or so at home.

Then things would gradually become better between us for a month or so, then she meet this guy, and then i'd hve another couple of bad weeks.

 

So i see what you guys re saying, how they become cold, self centered, etc.

It's like you do not recognise the woman you spent a lifetime with.

 

Since we broke up in November (she left me, then told me 4 days later of the affair) we have actually been having many, many talks, done some x-mas shopping together, went to some nice restaurants, had a few outings. All were great actually.

The fact she fessed up to the affair and told me, because i never would have known, we have been so close together.

(i should add that she terminated her affair during the summer before we went on our 4 day hoiday, but has contacted him 2 times since, both to reconfirm that it is finished between them, which tells me he is still pursuing her) *i will know tonight, as her journal is just a few hours away from being in my hands with the complete tell-all*

 

Buuuuuuuut, having said all that, i've experienced the 'walkaway wife', but with so much damage having been done, i feel like i know may become the 'walkaway husband'.

i have my good days and bad days. today is a bad day. today is the type of day where i could be so cruel to her and just rub her nose in it. i wonder why if she was so unhappy that she could do this to me, why the hel*l is she trying so hard to make it work now? does she think i will be more understanding? more compassionate?

she feels like half of her inside is dead because of what she has done (and believe me, if you could see her remorse it is terrible) and that if i leave her she would understand, but the other half will die as well.

as of now i have NOT told her i would accept her back, altho we have had some nice outings since she finally came clean.

 

One day i feel like giving her that chance, that with the remorse she feels it is genuine, the stuff she has already told me would already cause so much damage to a partner, but she knows i NEED to know. If we can work this, our marriage will be so much better and stronger, that we will have made it thru the most demanding and hard thing a couple could go thru. What doesn't kill makes you stronger, that is a fact i know and believe from other life experiences. I'm a better and stronger person for the curve balls life has thrown at me.

The next day i feel like it is not worth it. That if i leave her it will pain her so much but that is exactly what she deserves, and then some. Today that is how i feel. Payback is a * * * * * .

 

 

So that is probably why i am here, reading your 130+ postings. I can see that you guys would do anything in your power to make it work. My wife is trying that, but some days i feel like just dropping the whole thing. Maybe i wanted to see how it is on the 'other' side.

 

I guess it's the wall you build to protect from getting hurt again. The last thing i need to hear is "sit down we need to talk" speech again.

 

Sorry for the long post. I guess i needed to vent.

 

I honestly wish the best for all of you, it's easy to see that you are all very decent men, even tho many women on these message boards tend to paint us as 'evil cheaters'. Just reading all this thread shows that is not true at all.

 

thanks for listening.

 

--Rum

[John Bendix]

Rum,

 

Yes, it seems that you were in the "Walkaway Wives Club". Fortunately, your wife seemed to come further to her senses than any of ours.

 

It seems to me that she was going through some emotional distress (I firmly believe that this a consistent feature of walkaways) signaled by her attempts to keep you at bay. Closing down (emotional, impenetrable wall) is the prime example. If you have read my book, you would have seen the part that my X was dancing and flirting lewdly when I showed up at the restaurant that she worked at. She never admitted she did that just to get to me but she doesn't have to. That was the point that I was the most concerned for her state of mind. It was completely out of character. 17 year old's actions.

 

You have, at least, had the opprtunity to rationally communicate with your wife and see her "break-down". I do not think any of us here have had those opportunities.

 

I certainly hope that your wife has seen the light and does not put the pursuit of her "happiness" (whatever that is) above her relationship with you.

[scornandtorn]

Rum, I am sorry your here, but welcome. I must say, one thing that I noticed in your post is that she is willing to communicate at this point. That is priceless no matter how it unfolds. I never got the truth and that is the most painful part. I would have given anything to be in your shoes.

 

Although I don't know, looking back, how I would have handled it but it would have at least ended the turmoil I face everyday. Be thankful you may have some closure to the "why" question, at least.

 

I totally relate to the inappropriate public display of affection you mentioned. As my ex wife did the same thing in front of me, our friends and family. Hope you find peace in this somehow. I sure didn't.

 

Surf, let us know if you enjoyed your dinner.

[Rum]

hi guys, thanks for the replies.

 

i have just finished reading her 'book', which was handed to me a few hours ago, i've shared some details from it in the 'infidelity' section where we were having a discussion. It is post #145.

 

 

Now why has she come to her senses when others have not? i have no clue.

the damage is still done mind you. i gotta live with what i know forever, and so does she. why did this have to happen? why did she go bonkers for a 1 year period? why did she snap out of it? why is the strong woman i spent 21 years with, be so stupid and self-centered for 1 year, then come back twice as strong to admit to me all that she did, and then some?

 

Do i love her? Yes, absolutely. Was i good to her all those years? Yes, she even says yes. Did we have great times? Yes, she says yes. Did we have bad times? Yes, she says yes. Did we work thru them and make things better? Yes, she says yes too.

 

Then * * * ? Did aliens take our wives away one night and replace them with clones? It sure looks like it.

 

I don't understand why she switched, then how she re-switched back. I do know that she will not ever do anything like this again. First off, we will be communicating, and second the pain she feels is making her almost physically ill.

 

I guess i had a 'walkaway', but she walked back. Now i just gotta deal with all this crap in my mind and see if i can handle it. I've always prided myself in being a big person, a strong person. But this is a test and a half.

 

Thanks for listening guys. If things can be worked out, i will be getting my wife to read all these posts and maybe she can shed some light on what ws going thru her mind. It will take time but i want her to see this.

 

Cheers,

-Rum

[John Bendix]

Rum,

 

There is no real reason why they go through this. Mine was going through a very bad hormonal imbalance due to perimenopause. But it has been shown that those with depression and other emotional issues have a worse time with this.

 

Are they emotionally stable? Not a chance. Their responses and state of mind are indicitive of emotional distress. Not enough to put them away but they do reach a level of extreme dysfunction especially in the emotional arena.

 

Why your wife rebounded back? Another question without a good answer. Maybe she was keen enough to see through her actions, reactions, thoughts and emotions, and came to some rational conclusions. She was willing to accept some of her behavior as inappropriate. This is a women that I would be willing to try and work things out with, no matter where it lead me and her.

[John Bendix]

Rum,

 

Also check out link removed for a better insight into this dynamic. Maybe have your wife read it. I tried to get my X to read it but she simply denied thatshe had a problem at all.

 

You are at a point where all of us in the Club prayed that we could have been at.

[benga]

I tried to get my X to read it but she simply denied thatshe had a problem at all.

 

 

Classic!! So very classic. I went through the very same things as well. I actually sent her the book few months ago through mail. She sent it back, saying she didn't want to read it and that I should read every page and understand what I did wrong in the relationship and that I needed to change everything about me!! Classic.

 

My X has a thyroid condition and is on medication for life... That too (the thyroid condition) I believe was my fault Its insane what they do to make you feel guilty and pass blame.

 

I am actually worried for my daughter and the environment that she is in - with her mother.. My X is constantly snapping and yelling at my lil 4 year old princess. Has no patience with her at all. No wonder my lil daughter can't wait for Friday's for me to come and collect her.. The relationship I share with my daughter has become so special. She dotes on me and is so protective - in her own innocent way!! I will not fight for sole custody, but I need to make sure I have access to my lil girl whenever I want and all weekends are with me...

 

I've been doing ok. Hovering between dismay and acceptance. Feeling a little different each day. I still grieve the loss of the relationship, but have accepted that things are the way they are for a reason and things will not work out... Deep down silently, I still wish she has a light switch moment and realize that all this is a big mistake. But I have understood that the light switch moment with her will never happen.

 

Rum - You are in a good place buddy. Take things slow. Rebuilding is a slow and tedious process which will involve alot of your commitment as well. As a matter of fact 100% of it. Drop ego and proceed towards the path of forgiving for it will happen over time.

[Danah Hilden]

Good for you to allow your divorce to be a catalyst to growth. I am a divorce coach and in my experience many men are caught off guard in a divorce where as it seems women ruminate about the decision to divorce for years and usually end up leaving when they don't feel much about anything.

[scornandtorn]

Well, had another review hearing and I am still safe, so far. It was just her attorney again and I am so glad I didn't have to see the x. I offered her attorney some documents on tax matters that pertained to "her client". She told me that I needed to contact the x directly on those issues as they are not involved in this lawsuit. So, I just mailed them certified to her boyfriends address. I am not going to call her. NO WAY!

 

Benga, don't worry about the anniversary of your separation it will pass. Not that it is not significant, although in reality it's just another day. At least that is the way I try to look at it now. My 3 year separation is in January and right now I don't remember the day, so thats good.

 

On a side note, her attorney is hot. Maybe I can get a date with her if my ex keeps forcing me to deal with her like this. That would be the greatest revenge. Oh I know back to reality and keep moving ahead.

[John Bendix]

Danah,

 

What exactly is a divorce coach? I have never heard that term before.

 

When you say;

"usually end up leaving when they don't feel much about anything."

 

How is it that they cannot feel much about anything? Would that make them devoid of feelings? I have remarked that the emotional wall that they have erected to protect themselves from the pain that they have inside of them also protects them from any potentially damaging emotional stimulus from anyone outside. Of course, this includes the one closest to them, their spouse.

 

In your experience, do your encounter the "Walkaway Spouse Syndrome" often? If so, do you notice an emotional instability in the walkaway?

 

In my case, my attorney, the judge, the court appointed mediator (former Family Court judge), her last attorney (2 quit her), all were familiar with the dynamic. All recognized my X's irrational behavior.

 

Thank you,

 

John Bendix

[scornandtorn]

Just as I expected, she had to call and leave a message today about the certified letter I sent. Man, she sure has alot of anger and it doesn't even sound like her voice. She threatened me again, but I am used to it. I wonder how he likes coming home to THAT disfunctional personality everyday. Glad its not me. She used to be such a wonderful person. Oh what a shame it is.

 

She has been "walking away" for so long now I wish she would pick up the pace and run away instead. We are divorced and I just want peace in my life.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

It is possible that he does not see that part of her persona. The walkaways that have an extreme dysfunctional ego, can present to the rest of the world that they are fine. They can put on a show. In fact, they HAVE to because of their ego's need to bolster itself through the admiration of others. They must keep ip the facade that all is great while inside they are suffering. Because of the emotionally close connection that they have with "us", they instinctively and unconsciously know that we would see through it. It is also emotionally and physically exhasuting to keep up the "dual" personas. Does bi-polar seem similiar?

 

That is probably why they deny things they have said or done that we know for a fact were expressed by them. They may not be the liars that we think they are for that would entail them knowing that they are lying. Split personality or schizophrenia is just a little further down the road. I have little doubt that they are clinically depressed and suffering some form of illness. They have let their egos become so dysfunctional that it boarders on being recognized as mental illness.

 

I have told my X, in my infrequent responses to her, that I do not really know who she is right now. And she is not a person that I would care to know or have much to do with. I was not mean when I told her this because it is not coming from any emotion but it is just a fact.

 

Is it a shame? I do not think that my X has any shame. She has never shown one iota of remorse towards me or her children for her actions.

[scornandtorn]

Shameless people is the way my councilor referred to her. I think that word sums it up. Myself, I wouldn't even be able to look at myself in the mirror if I were in those shoes.