Relationship With X

[just M.E.]

smallguy -

 

"For example most 'traditional' women, seem to be more grateful that they have a marriage that although not perfect, is not dangerous or abusive and they (especially older generations) tend to stay married, happily, or unhappily. It seems that many of todays walk aways, like my very own are more independent, know what they want- dare i say it spoilt."

 

There is truth to this somewhat and although I have many traditional values, I am extremely independent. I think putting this walkaway syndrome to an independent nature is incorrect. I think there is a "princess" mentality among many women today and when it didn't turn out to be prince charming in the fairy tale castle, they bail. I think none of this is conscious in their mind, to do this with that motivation would lay too much accountability on their part.

 

I have been with groups of women and hate to admit that for a number of them "husband bashing" is a pretty acceptable activity. But I see a difference in the marriages that will go on forever, there will always be the jokes about a magnetic force field that attracts his dirty socks to the floor when the laundry basket is 8" away. These jokes are good natured, with a undertone of "I really still love this guy, does your's do this too?" As women we often seek reassurance from other women that our lives are normal. When this innocent activity goes wrong, I hear the undertones of resentment and abuse. This is not limited to physical, emotional abuse seems very common and I hear the stories that tell me there is abuse going both ways, but rarely in one marriage. It seems one spouse or the other is abusive or manipulative in a abusive fashion. That is only in the marriages that seem out of balance.

 

In my experiences, the women who feel grateful for their marriage are also very much in love with their husbands, not necessarily in the Honeymoon stage type of in love, but in the "I want this person in my life forever" kind of love. I wonder seriously if those with Walkaway Spouse behavior are somewhat broken in the ability to love and sustain that love. When it becomes a emotion that feeds them rather than anchors them, it needs to be bigger than reality. It can be like a hole in them that cannot be filled.

 

There is also a concept that for some with emotional issues, a certain stage of life is like a time bomb waiting to go off. For some, children reaching adolescence can trigger all the emotional garbage of their own youth, sending them in a tailspin. I imagine there are many, many triggers, but that comes to mind.

 

scornand torn -

 

"If the spouse wants to just walkaway, is it to much to ask for a real explanation? Something with some substance, rather than some general comments or simply assigning the blame to the other."

 

I think it is too much for them to do, I think they are incapable of giving to anyone else at that point. Sadly, to do so would be to acknowledge what they have done has caused tremendous pain and hurt and with that goes guilt and accountability. They can't do that, they have to be "justified" in their behavior. I have come to realize that these type of people exist, they need to always feel right even at the expense of all around them. Knowing that, I can let it go. I accept there will never be an honest answer, any attempt to give me that respect and closure I craved. I know that the only closure comes from within me, if I am honest, I can see the past as clearly as any explanation he would give.

[smallguy]

M.E.- You have explained further the things I was trying to articulate. The 'princess' is much more fitting- for example in her journal (I have never snooped, but this scenario has brought all kinds of things out in me that I was unaware of) she talks about: should she settle for second best, meaning, me, after 10 years, or (i quote) like my dad says, always the best for his little girl. And she subsequently chose the new guy- but then, with all the intense new and wonderful emotions and the biochemicals associated with him- why wouldn't she, it is new, risky, exciting, it makes her feel special and wanted-It still saddens me that once i provided all those things for her, and now 10 years down the line there is no longer this kind of 'rush' to be had with me- maybe our marriage is like a dead rose- no longer beautiful, but still a rose?

keep posting- lets continue to move forward together.

 

We can't change the past, neither can we predict the future- all we know is now.

[John Bendix]

M.E.,

 

I believe I would be speaking for all when I say that we aprreciate your incredible insight into this dynamic.

 

surfjon,

 

Your comments on the "turning into her mother" hit home. My former mother-in-law has been alone for as long as I hve known her, over 25 years. My X's father simply left one day to begin his new life because he was just unhappy. He waited until my X's sister (younger)turned 18, packed up an left without explantion. He suffered through depression to the point he had to drink in order to get to work. My X's mother has not taken a man and lives in solitude except for work. She is perceived by my X to have no financial problems. She can keep her house spotless since she by herself. She can buy new furnture and remodel the house every couple of years. But she only has herself to take care of and is extremely self absorbed. Only doing what appeals to her. My X's sister is even more selffish and runs her husband around like she owns him. No one else's interests seem to matter to them. Complain and blame when something is interfering with their self interest. My X seems to covet these lifestyles andbecame more like them. My X has become more like my former mother-in-law's sister (who I have not spoken to for twenty years). Outwardly selffish, manipulative, never happy, complaning and never taking responsiblities for any of her actions. It is always someone else doing.

 

Whodathunk,

 

"Once a marriage dissolves, so too, does the family... forever." is a quote by Michelle Weiner-Davis on link removed. I feel that my children were robbed of their childhood and of the chance to grow up and be raised by their mother.

[John Bendix]

M.E.,

 

You wrote, "That is a socially acceptable, almost politically correct outlet for this anger. Soon, she has devalued and demonetized him enough that she can easily justify leaving him and filing for divorce. She will need to remind herself how bad he is so that the sane part of her doesn't beg his forgiveness for what she has done."

 

You hit here on something Scorn stated in a earlier post. His post took it a step further when it was stated that, ironically, the Walkaway eventually looks for the acceptance of her actions by the very peson she has demonized. Statements of, "We are both better off now" and other justifications to convince the one left behind that they did the right thing and to ease their guilt.

 

My X did actually put blame on the children. they did not need her anymore (a point you alluded to), they did not care about her needs, they were lazy and did not turn out as she wanted them to (all A students, incredible athletes, repsectful, many friends and most importantly, would not do anything to make anyone feel bad.). Of course, their apprant faults were all blamed on me.

[scornandtorn]

Surf, I totally relate to your post. My ex wife is also following her mothers footsteps. Her mother is on her third marriage and it is also failing. Her second marriage was "just a friend", her third marriage was also "just a friend". I am sure my ex will marry our friend.

 

I used to see the same things you mentioned, about similarities in expressions as well as other things between her mother and her. One would think this is normal, but to mirror the mindset of a walkaway is incomprehensible to me.

 

Her mother is the happiest person you will ever meet, but on the inside I am sure she is in alot of pain. My ex has chosen to follow this example and will probably spend the rest of her life searching for something which is not real.

[surfjon]

My eyes are still burning from earlier. I met my wife to discuss some financial issues. We met at Starbucks and I could see her on the verge of tears, she actually did start crying so we walked a bit and I offered to drive her home as she had walked from her nearby apartment.

 

We stopped on the way and talked for about an hour, not even about the finances but about us and what happened. It was so emotional, we talked about good times and I told her I'd regret the things I'd done until the day I die. For a while, all we could do was hug each other and sob into each other, our tears mixing on our faces. I just wanted to hold her, she smelled so good and felt so small. She's lost weight and was tiny to begin with. It felt good to touch her, even under the circumstances. It was the most emotionally drained I've felt since those first few weeks of being despondant and borderline suicidal. She is so confused, but still so sweet. We agreed to not file for a while, at least until the house sells. I don't think either one of us would be able to go thru that right now, we'll wait. This was the most open to dialog that she has been, and very very sad, I felt so horrible.

 

I'm very confused now too, I had resigned myself to the loss but a minute part of me thinks there may be some small glimmer of hope still there. I do so miss her, and realize how much I do care for her and want to be with her. I have my kids this weekend and can't stop thinking of her alone tonight after the emotions of earlier. I know that if I am still misting up that she must be too, she was so distraught.

 

I had intended to talk only of finances, but she wanted to discuss us. I'll retreat back to my L/C with her now, I can't do that again. For my own sanity I can't do that dance again for a while, it took alot out of me and I feel really sad for us both.

 

She was and still is the girl of my dreams, but the only place I will see her is in my dreams. I just feel so alone tonight, had to post.

 

I know you guys understand why, we're probably all thinking of them tonight too.

 

here's to a better day tomorrow!!

 

surf

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Searching for something, PERIOD. Always searching for something that will fulfill lheir egoic needs. Once obtained, and the emotion of fulfillment is reached, it dissaptes, as with every other emotion. Now, the search to fill the need is again inacted by the insatible ego. Similiar to addiction. The prime example is the emotion of happiness that most seek but wonder why it is never permanent.

 

The search for something not real. Well, that is done in the future, which is only an image of what could be. After all, an image is not real.

 

My own X and her in-laws have that "Hi, how are you?" smile on when they see everyone. She uses it on her estranged children but my sons have always seen right through it. It is indeed a mask. My X always asked me, "How come no one else (besides my sons, my family and me) thinks that there is something emotionally wrong with me?" I have seen that ingenuine people (ones with masks to hide their true feelings and thoughts) tend to congregate with others of the same kind. They tend not to see through each other because they are so wrapped up in preserving their facade. When I think back to all of my X's lifelong friends and alot of her family, they were all this way.

[smallguy]

Have any of you got any advice on how to deal with a big issue for me. Until I can find somewhere to live, I have to stay in our marital home- which means witnessing my stbx in constant txt communication with her new boyfriend. She was out with him last night until the early hours, and is buying underwear like it's going out of fashion. I know that I can't stop her loving him, and logically, after the revelation that she is capable of infidelity- I don't want her back- but emotionally, of course I do. Our home already feels broken, as our little boys are always with one or the other of us- we no longer do anything together- even eat. Probably because I find it so hard to know that she is sending txt to him constantly, and that she claims to be more in love with him than she's ever been with anyone. This is especially tough as she told me that she WAS happy with us, and could of carried on indefinitely, but she thinks that she can be hapier, as the new guy understands her emotionally. I think that I need to focus on myself, and my own healing- this is of course made more difficult by constantly having my nose rubbed in the fact that she has found someone else. This is the hardest single thing I've had to cope with- it doesn't seem to be going away, and none of it within my control, I understand that I can only try to control my response to what is going on around me- but how on earth can I do this- I have to stay here for now as my children need me- I cook, wash, take them to school etc, as she is at work- the finances will take about 8 wks to sort- and then I'm gone- But for the next 8 wks, I really need an emotional survival kit- my ultimate outcome is to feel a neutral indifference, and I need to get to this point fast. I suspect that there is no easy way, I have even considered hypnosis, Please share your thoughts, as this morning I feel particularly vulnerable, how can someone be so cruel after ten years- or is it cruel? Should I just be able to cope?

[John Bendix]

smallguy,

 

Why do you have to leave? She is having an affair, why does not she leave?

 

To get this straight, you take care of the kids while she goes out to all hours with her lover??? I must have missed that somewhere along the way. That is a boundry that I would have to indeed set up. Even if she has emotional problems, letting that go on is not helping with her struggles. I would have to let her go on her own to straighten her self out.

 

In most states, you would be awarded the house and the kids in a seperation agreement and a final divorce agreement with this kind of infidelity going on. She is not demonstrating the attributes of a good mother by her actions.

 

Sorry, that's how I see it.

[benga]

Hi

Enclosed is a excerpt of a Q&A I had read. I am subscribed a series of emails from Andrew Rusbatch - the co-author of save my marriage today... I found this interesting and thought I'd share it with the group for this case also illustrates typical behaviour from a walkaway.....

 

======================================

 

How often are the most complex marriage problems further exacerbated by poor communication?

 

When you think of communication, talking to each other and expressing your feelings may be the first things that come to mind. How much attention do we pay to our ability to listen to what our partner is trying to tell us?

 

Listening is a very powerful tool in successful marriages, and that's what today's question and answer session revolves around. These are

questions from real people with real marriage problems. Where necessary, I have edited them to protect the anonymity of my customers.

 

With that in mind, let's take a look at the following email:

 

 

My husband has told me that he wants a separation to think about whether he wants to stay in our marriage. I am frantic & anxious and I have done all the things you do not recommend. But before I got your book, I didn't know what to do. All I know is that my heart aches and I long for him to stay so that we can try and work things out.

 

My 3 children are grown with my youngest in college. My husband is gone most of the time and for a long time I have been so lonely and depressed and we have not been getting alone because of it. My best years are behind me and I do not have the strength nor the financial means

to start over.

 

We've had some stormy times throughout our marriage together and with my children, especially one who was taking drugs and caused us tremendous stress, we did not handle this well and sometimes blamed each other. I think we are still suffering from the effects of all that as

well.

 

My husband's primary job pays fairly well. But what has brought us the most stress is his part time job as a musician which takes him away from the home on weekend nights and holidays. He's done this all our years of married life.

 

I know he loves his music and I would never try to deny him the opportunity to do it, but I believed early in our marriage, that there would come a day when he could pick & choose when and how much he would do it and this is that day. At my age and time of life my priorities have changed and I just want to enjoy our life together.

 

It's at the point where I can't say anything to him about anything he does or he will get angry with me and shun me. He says he doesn't understand my complaints because "at least he works". He used to compromise, but in the past couple of years he has not compromised at all.

 

In fact, my husband does not listen to anything I say. If it ends in an argument, I always end up apologizing for, in his words, "always starting an argument". So we never get anywhere. He leads an independent life of which

I'm not a part of because it mostly involves him performing.

 

He is so cold and inattentive. Even after he said he wanted a trial separation he continued to kiss me goodbye in the morning and and at other times. He is cordial and lets me know his whereabouts, but there are times in between that I don't know where he is.

 

He also continues to sleep in the same bed with me but says I should not display any affection towards him, because since he's leaving at the end of the week, it messes things up and he can't make a decision because emotions get in the way.

 

I asked him why during that 2 wk period he was kissing me goodbye and even took me shopping and bought some things for me and we even talked

about doing some things together. His response was that he would stop because it messes things up & I was reading more into it, because nothing

had changed with him. He asked me would I rather he be mean to me.

 

He has even refused to wear his wedding ring, which he took off because of surgery and said it bothers him to wear it now as well as his other jewelery. I'm wondering if he's having an affair and I did ask but he denied it.

 

I cry a lot. He says he's suffering also, but I don't see it. He said the reason we should separate for a while and consider our options is because we don't get along and he is tired of the arguments and he has just been so hurt in the past and cannot forget or forgive. But over & over, I've forgiven him.

 

He won't take responsibility for any of the problems and says I've always caused my own problems. I sometimes think he's depressed. I asked once and he said maybe. Everytime Ive tried to talk to him in the past about our

marriage problems, he shuts down and now I'm afraid to say anything to him.

 

I just can't communicate with him! I'm trying to let this go, but this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I've made every conceivable argument about how we can work things out and the negatives of abandoning our marriage at this time in our lives, but to no avail.

 

I'm reading your books, but am so confused with all that's going on, I can hardly think straight. Please advise me on how to handle this situation

when my husband walks out the door just a few days from now.

----- Here's my reply: ------

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for your email. The first thing I need to tell you is that there are both benefits and dangers in having a trial separation. A trial separation is only going to work if you are both committed to this process, especially in maintaining regular communication and setting of goals.

 

* How long is the trial separation going to be for? It's necessary to have a time frame.

 

* How often are you going to meet to stay in contact?

 

* What goals are you going to set during this trial separation? How are these goals going to be monitored and progress measured?

 

* What conditions have been placed on the separation? Are there conditions placed on dating or seeing other people?

 

* How specifically is this trial separation going to help bring you together? Is it a trial separation or the beginning of the end?

 

You need to be very specific on how this is going to work. With careful planning and consultation, a separation can help, but communication is imperative. Without it, you are simply learning to live as individuals. A trial

separation should be no longer than a couple of months, ideally shorter.

 

The next issue you need to look at is how the two of you communicate. Clearly when your husband doesn't like what he is hearing he gets

defensive, which is something that's typical to most men. He calls it "starting an argument," I call it "you saying something he doesn't like hearing."

 

How do we fix this? You need to schedule time where he can speak, and you just listen. Don't think of justifications or excuses for your behavior, just listen. We call this active listening. Put yourself in his shoes. Empathize

with him and try and understand why he feels the way he does.

 

We all react to things according to how we see them, and the values that we each have as individuals. When he tells you how he feels, you can sit and listen, and if you think it will help, write down notes, and repeat back to him at the end of the session, so you can verify that you understand what he is trying to tell you.

 

Then he needs to do the same for you. This is a respect thing. You listen to him, then he actively listens to you. Ask him to write down on paper what you are trying to tell him, so that you know he is listening and making an effort to communicate. You may or may not need a mediator to help you with this if it doesn't work on your own.

 

Let me know how you get on. Setting clear boundaries and conditions on the trial separation, and developing new communication and listening techniques is where you need to start.

 

Yours in marriage success,

 

Andrew Rusbatch

 

Co-author of Save My Marriage Today

link removed

[smallguy]

Hi John. Firstly I live in the uk, and the law here says that I would be entitled to less than 50/50 of our assets- at the moment my stbx is being reasonable regarding this. Secondly, I am at university, I gave up my business because she offered to support me whilst I study and train to teach. The result is that in this predicament I have no income, and thereforeeee could not afford to keep the house- the situation is incredibly untenable- but unfortunately, I can't stop her loving someone else, neither can I prevent her from seeing him, realistically the only thing I can be responsible for is my own response and emotions- if I could have it anyway I would instantly fall out of love with her- and then her fraternizing wouldn't bother or interest me. However, it is incredibly challenging to deal with this on top of the facts, that I am about to lose my home/kids/dog/car etc. I feel very much the victim, although i don't deny that I maybe did take her for granted, but only in as much as I was comfortable with her, as opposed to new love when both parties are on their bast behavior and totally energised with each other. Thanks for your support and interest, i feel that this will be a long haul journey, I just have no real options right now except change myself to deal with it.

[surfjon]

Well now.............

 

My wife called me this morning to inform me she saw an attorney this morning, 4 days after we had a very tearful face-to-face, 4 days after she told me "I wouldn't see an attorney without letting you know first"..........

 

 

but according to her, she has always done everything right, right??

 

right.................

 

I've lost any will to fight, I'm too drained to try. I told her to do what she wishes and I'll go along with it. I don't have the funds or will to battle the substantial resources of her wealthy mother and grand-parents.

 

I used to be a kick-boxer, I know when I'm licked.

[just M.E.]

surfjon -

I'm sorry to hear it went that way,

 

The tough part about not having any meaningful communication and they did "everything right" is that we have to build our own closure and without any feed back we have to dismiss any person who takes zero accountability themselves. For me I also heard that, as I have said before, I was told "It's all your fault, it will always be all your fault". No one person can be 100% at fault, but in giving me only that, I have no material to work with to understand my complicity in this failure. I can chalk it up to denial and bad choices, but I know there is more. Unfortunately it becomes a guessing game of what really happened and that is destructive.

 

Don't let that happen to you, you cannot be 100% wrong, there is not such thing, every relationship is a unique dynamic, at the very best, when there is failure, we know there is problems with how that particular dynamic played out.

 

Hang in there, in time a more realistic perspective will appear. You are not all wrong, OK?

[John Bendix]

Surf,

 

There are no winners in the dissolution of a marriage and the family that once was. As you have seen, you are up against a dynamic that like a tsunami wave, builds momentum that no one on the shore can stop. It seems that once set into motion, not even the person choosing to walkaway feels that they are able to stop it. They have to end their pain and undesirable emotions in the way they have already started to try and cope. Irrational as it may seem.

 

Even though your wife's emotions changed a bit recently, this was still painful to her. Even the temporary admission to herself of these feelings did not ease her suffering. She is seeking a way out of these feelings by getting out of her situation with you. Unfortunately, this is not an effective plan. She will forced to re-live these emotions over and over again until she accepts them and changes her perspective. Her relief will be temporary at best. She may never see this and her suffering will go on.

 

Sorry to say but you might have to accept the fact that you can do nothing to help her. When you do, your pain may subside.

[surfjon]

John,

As usual, I appreciate your view. All she keeps saying is " I didn't want this for my life".

 

I fear you are right in that she may never find the happiness she's looking for and that the breakup of our family unit (leaving me) will not even accomplish what she hoped it would. At least if she did find happiness thru leaving me, it would make some sort of sense. She keeps dredging up the bad parts, burying the good like a corpse.

 

When I saw her the other day, she couldn't listen to me speak of the many, many wonderful times we had, she just became so distraught. The good memories seem like demons tormenting her that she can't and won't face. She'll have to face it someday that there were alot of great things about us, I hope she's able to do that without feeling regret and remorse.

 

By then I'll be long gone daddy............

[John Bendix]

Surf,

 

She seems to be feeling regret and remorse already, even if it is hidden behind the wall. She does not, or closer to the truth, is incapable of recalling the images of the past that would ordinarily bring her pleasurable emotions. She is probably not able to deal with the conflicting emotions that this may bring on. Remember when I did self-less, kind things for my X and she could not bring her self to even say a normal thank you. This would have been in conflict of the demonized image of me that she had conjured up for herself in justification of her actions.

 

It may bring up guilt, a heavy duty emotion, that she is unable to deal with in her distressed emotional state. Then comes in entitlement. We have all heard that, "I deserve happiness", or "I deserve to be with someone that aprreciates me", or this and that. This may be reaching but she may feel, in an emotional state of low self esteem (a common thread of walkaways), that she does not deserve to feel those pleasurable emotions derived from the images of the past with you, because of the way things are right now.

 

It does bring me a feeling of saddness, when I let it, that they do not see any of this. Then again, in the state they are in, they are incapable of seeint it. Catch-22 to the max.

[scornandtorn]

Surf, you said "she'll have to face it someday that there were alot of great things about us". This is something I have always struggled with as well.

 

When we divided our things three years ago, I went through all of our pictures and videos of our life together. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But, I wanted to make sure I had copies of all those good times, so someday I could reflect when I was ready. I wrote her a three page letter about how I viewed all these good times.

 

After stuffing this letter deep in the box under all the photos, I returned them to her and always wondered if she had read it. As time passed I finally forgot about it. That is until this Christmas when she sent me the card with a single photo of my grandparents. At this point I know she has looked through the memories we once shared and, as a result, read my letter.

 

I don't really know how I feel about it now. But, I do know that, if she is at all a real person, she would have seen the good in those photos.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

I think you have hit on another issue that all have us have experienced.

 

The Walkaway "seems" to have a different memory of the events that transpired in the marriage. I know that I was told by my X that she was never really attrached to me (one of her justifications). This is the first instance that i realized that she was not really stable. For the first 20 years she was affectionate and always willing to be intimate. So, I know that either this was nonsense or she was really lying with body and mind.

 

My own memories of our marriage no longer seem to ellicit an emotional response by me. I just view them as images, images in my mind of the past. My view of her during the past two years is how I see her. How she was prior, really has no meaning to me. Before this, I would have considered myself, or anyone else similiar, to be "dead" inside to the memories. I went through every possible emotion during her departure and most of them to various degrees. I choose not to react to her and the past in an emotional manner. I have accepted her radical change and deal with her, or not deal with her, as she is now. It may seem cold but that is that is how I see it.

[benga]

John - Good point. I posted my experiences of memories in the other thread "Guilt" and my experience has been very similar.

 

I haven't been posting very actively off late but have been reading the updates each day from the threads that I am subscribed to.

 

There has been so much going on in my personal and professional life. Work is getting hectic and the fact that I have reconnected with an old girlfriend keep me occupied to a very large extent. Its strange, but I have had no thoughts of the X in a long long time. What she does, what she says, how she lies... actually make me no difference. I am sure this is just a phase in my life and I will be hit with a reality check soon, but hey, as long as I am prepared, I will handle it. I only have control over today.

 

The connection with the old girl friend has been great. She is so different from the X in everyway. She is smart, witty, intelligent and has the ability to keep me engaged. We had a wonderful short holiday together over the new year, but its complicated. She too is going through a seperation and divorce. We seem to understand the phases we are going through and have decided to take things easy, go with the flow so to say..... Another complication is that this is a long distance relationship. She lives in a different state. So we do end up talking in the morning while driving to work and late at night once all the household chores are complete. Interesting. I have no hopes of this fructifying into anything large, but I will go with the flow and see where this heads... I will be travelling to meet her for a week in early February and will try work out of her home for the duration... Lets see how things move...

 

On the X.. Well, its been 2+ months since we discussed divorce. She has been just so non responsive on the divorce subject after that. Each we speak the divorce topic is brought up by me, she becomes evasive, acts busy... I have had to cancel 3 lawyer appointment because she was not able to fit it into her reasonably non busy schedule... strange behaviour. It was she who walked, it was I who proposed that we try to reconcile to part ways through divorce... she agreed. But since then, its once again limboland for me on the divorce front.

 

I hear the X has become skinny... She has lost too much weight and looks like a bag of bone.... I haven't met her in over a month, but she looks distressed, confused and sad... Another alarm... My daughter complained to me the other day that her mother has started to whack her when she doesn't listen. I did confront her, but she refused to comment. I will observe this and will take action if I get to hear of another instance from my daughter.

 

I am committed to my life and that of my daughters. My lil princess and I share wonderful times together. She would prefer to live with me and says that repeatedly. It would just become incredibly difficult for me to manage that with my work routine and her school. Her schools is very close to where the X lives and its about a 50 minute drive from where I am.. But lets see.. If there is any other instance of beating, I will take action....

 

So, this is what's been going on over the past 1 month. Things are alright. I am enjoying time with my old girl friend and am enjoying this connection. One step at a time and live in today...

[Safer]

I hope I'm not intruding in the WAW group....yet I have been reading this thread for the past few days. I must say, I'm very moved. I've cried, empathized...identified w/ your ups & downs. I'm a "Runaway Wife' from an abusive husband,3 mos ago. Our paths/circumstances differ but I can relate to many of the concepts & emotions revealed by each of you. The guilt, blame & denials, ego, rewriting history, the facade & lack of communication...all ring true. A line of Charles Bukowski's comes to mind, "misdirected animosity" My hopes & dreams of a healthy marriage--dashed. I'm still crawling out of the debris & I must say that your heartfelt expressions have helped me tremendously. I acknowledge that there are good men out there; to not to get jaded by my experience ("H" has NPD). A relationship is the furthest from my mind, except for the one w/ myself now. Your journeys help illuminate the light at the end of a bleak tunnel. Next stop for me; divorce...hard pill to swallow. Eventually, I'll get it down. I commend your honesty & courage.It's contagious. Thank you. It's easy for me to identify w/ women in my situation. Yet I feel that to look beyond that, will only help me on this wild trip. A good friend gave me an analogy, on our drive to the airport ( so I could fly safely away), "See your "H" as you would an old 8 track or beta video. You don't love them or hate them. They just are & not needed anymore... Ambiguous." That's hard from where I'm at now.But it won't stop me from trying. I wish you all the best life has to offer...I think you all deserve it. As do I.

[John Bendix]

Safer,

 

There is no sense of intrusion here. We wlecome anyone who wants to contribute to discussion, anytime.

 

Thanks for the kind words towards the WAW Club.

 

I hope that the rest of your journey takes you where you want to go.

[just M.E.]

Safer,

I was in your "running shoes" about 30 years ago. Don't see yourself as a "runaway", abuse is a from of leaving another also. By abuse he has left you emotionally, no one can love in a real sense and be abusive, these are contrary actions. Don't feel guilt, feel pride for your strong to go forward.

 

The abuser will usually lay blame for the abuse on the one abuser, please, don't buy into that concept. Hang tough lady, real life is around the corner, trust me on that

[faddy]

Hi all

 

Still following this immense thread and trying to post when i can.

 

An update now on current situation. Ex wife has now been diagnosed with depression 1 week ago.

 

The whole festive period turned into the most stressful period of time that i could have imagined due to her state of mind.

 

Our 3 boys were very concerned about their mother at this time and we have managed to convince her to go home to her mothers and find some space.

 

This in itself has really allowed me to concentrate on my boys and help them deal with the emotions of this time. However, my performance at work has dropped and the pressure is now building in this area also. What to do?

 

Not really a question as there can be no doubt about which way i would turn if confronted with this choice.

 

I mentioned in my in my background story that my ex was in a new relationship but it now seems that this has also faltered.

 

The reasons why are obviously not shared with me but suffice to say it was mentioned to me from a friend of the ex that the emotional connection for them both was not there.

 

While this news brings a certain satisfaction it also brings much pain for me. It would have seemed more worth all the pain and hurt if it had actually turned out to be more than a rebound or fling.

 

This said, i am now in a place that is neither good or bad but one of indifference. I no longer want to be in a relationship with the ex or anyone else for that matter. Have been deeply touched by some of the messages on this thread and can only assume that there are many benefiting from the insights found here.

 

Good luck to all.

 

Faddy

[stressedanddepressed]

Scorn, John and Just M.E.

Thank you for your replies to my post. The last 2 weeks since my initial post have been crazy to say the least. In that time, I found out that my wife had lost her job in December (everyone close to me that knew about it, never said a word), she tells me that she has been dating someone (no name of information on the guy though), and our youngest (our only son), has enlisted to go into the Marines (against both of our wishes).

I am just a lost person right now. This house that seemed to be so busy and crazy all the time, is so eerily quiet now. I feel so alone at this point in my life. I have had serious thoughts of just ending it.

Just M.E., you mentioned in your post that "she has chose to take a different path". We were walking down a path together. What can I do now???

I cannot stand even being at work either, as my job is very monotonous and not near too many people. So all I have is me and my thoughts for 8, 9, 10 hours everyday.

It's to the point I'm questioning any of our existences...what is the point of being here, of having children, of working everyday, of making money...in the end, we all end up in the same place. And it REALLY doesn't matter, especially if there is noone beside you to enjoy things on that path to the end.

I hate my life. People have been trying to cheer me up, and, like happiness or other emotions as well, it is fleeting. Those people cannot be with me at night, alone, in my bed, where there is noone for me to hold and noone to hold me. I believe there is no other greater physical sense of security than to be held or hold another.

They say I should get out. Do things. Keep busy. There will be someone else for you, in time. All the politically correct things that family and friends are supposed to say. NOBODY truly knows what I'm going through. I don't have money to just go out to do things, as this choice she has made has really put a financial strain on BOTH of us. Even with losing her job (which paid her more than I was making), she has absolutely no signs of wanting to reconcile.

Scorn, I know you are right when you say I shouldn't try to reason with her emotionally, but I just melt when I see or talk to her...I know what we had and I still think we could still have that, but it is probably just wishful thinking (or is it wish-FOOL?). I have sent her emails. I have tried talking to her and all she does is get frustrated and say things like "we have been over this" or "you need to find someone else". It really hurts. I'm tired of this emotional pain.

I am scheduled to see a counselor this Monday. I don't know if it will help or not. Ironically, I haven't missed any work since this all began (I'm sure the biggest reason is fear of falling behind in bills). I think I can honestly say that I am now totally depressed about how things are and how they got to this point.

[scornandtorn]

stressed,

In reading your post, it really brought back some memories of the constant emotional beatings I would subject myself to in trying to reason with my x wife.

 

You said - "I have sent her emails. I have tried talking to her and all she does is get frustrated and say things like "we have been over this" or "you need to find someone else". It really hurts. I'm tired of this emotional pain."

 

I did all these things you mentioned and the results I received were exactly the same. My point is, she will not give you logical answers to logical questions. I wish mine would have answered those questions instead of dodging them, but I don't think they are capable of playing on a level playing field. It is easier for her to just give you meaningless replies rather than actually engage in conversation which would expose a weakness in her wall.

 

Do not take her replies personally and let it manifest into something that further deepens your depression. They are just distorted words and they do not alter who you are as a person.

 

Most importantly, it sounds like you absolutely need therapy to deal with your depression. I went through this also. Trust me, as time passes you will be able to recover from the early stages you are in.