Relationship With X

[Tigger67]

I have your book John, but am just finishing up the Divorce-Busting one, so will actually probably start on it tonight.

 

SurfJon-- Again all the best to you! Sometimes I wish I had your problem!(?) My X just popped around to see me at work again today! That always gives me the express pass on the emotional rollercoaster!

 

Yeah, t-shirts might be good! Or a new T.V. show--"Desperate Ex-Househusbands!

[John Bendix]

Tigger and surfjon,

 

Thank you and I would aprreciate a review on Amazon. That would be great.

 

Second book in the works, "Walking Away From The Ego In No Time"

 

T-Shirts- My Wife Walked Away

 

First My Wife Then My

Friends Walked Away

 

I Survived The Walkaway

Wife Syndrome

[scornandtorn]

Front- My wife walked away and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Back- Insert knife here and twist for eternal suffering.

[Tigger67]

LOL!! Yes! I believe we have found our t-shirt contest winner! Very good Scorn! I'm liking it!

[surfjon]

HAH!!!

Great,

Would it be wrong for me to wear one of the above to our first therapy session??

 

Maybe............

[surfjon]

Tig,

OMG she pops in at work??

Man, thats gotta be hard. I mean, the people I work with (I've been her 20 years this April) know my wife well and know we're split up. It would be so odd if she showed up here...................

 

I didn't sleep last night, I'm so farkin nervous about todays meeting, I haven't sat beside her in 3 months now.

 

I think at lunch I need a double!!

[Tigger67]

Yeah I don't think wearing the t-shirt would be a great move! Certainly would be a conversation starter though!

The popping up at work thing is not as bad as it may sound. One is that it is a new job for me and nobody really knows her besides what they've been told, and two, I am the assistant manager for a coffee company that has those little drive-by coffee kiosks in the parking lots, so some of my time is spent inside the little hut as a barista, but she is able to drive up unannounced whenever she pleases. It's okay, usually, as it is then just me there, but it is still the feeling of being vulnerable and unable to hide, and that unknown 'surprise' of the visit! Which then usually leads to me not being able to concentrate on my work and inevitably burning my hand on the steaming wand!

Again, hope the day went somewhat good for you, as good as can be with the circumstances. If you are able and want to, it would be interesting to hear how it all went down. Take care. Vent if you need to.

[scornandtorn]

Yeah me too, hope today went well surfjon. Let us know how it went, I know its tough. Hopefully you can go through this transition smoothly.

 

Tigger I don't know if I could handle her popping in like that at work. Hope she may realize it isn't fair to you.

 

I've got a meeting Tuesday with my ex too but, its in the court room. Sometimes I just can't get a break. We have been divorced two years and she won't let up. As she dredges all this up, I have another issue to deal with as well. I was laid off from work four weeks ago. My job has been everything to me while I am trying to rebuild the ruins I have been left with. It's tough but thats the way my business is sometimes. I am a mechanic on a Indycar team. Have done this most of my life. But sponsor contracts end and we sometimes can get laid off til January when testing starts.

 

So if you know of anyone hiring please let me know.

[Tigger67]

I'm sorry to hear about the job situation Scorn. It always sucks to have yet ANOTHER worry to throw into the fray! Much like with the passing of my mother this past summer-how much more can one take?! But I suppose, as they say, that which does not kill us will only make us stronger.

No, I really doubt that my X takes into account my feelings or the emotions when she 'pops' in at work. Well, you know, I don't HAVE any feelings or emotions, so it shouldn't matter! And it must be the masochistic streak in me that does allow her to do that. I could easily say, as the old Tom Petty song goes, "Don't come around here no more", yet I don't for whatever reason. I don't have that whole courtroom battle or anything like that going on. It's all been very calm, so I guess I can handle the visits. I just put some burn salve on the wounds and keep going. And I guess in my own demented belief, if there is any progress being made on her part then telling her to get lost at this point would set things back quite a ways. I know this may be somewhat delusional on my part, but like I said before, it's like the lottery. Highly unlikely that you will win, but there could be at some point that one ticket that does it for you. A pathetic optimistic? More than likely, but I'm not wallowing in it or preventing myself from living because of it, so I will just continue on and ignore the visits when they happen. For now.

I believe as well the reason that I put up with the visits is that they do have me intrigued. It's kind of like solving a mystery. Why does she need to stop by my work to give me my girl's spelling list (I have my daughter from Wed. afternoon through the weekend this week, and the test is on Friday) when she could have just left it in her bookbag Wednesday morning? And, if I was such a monster and all that, which has been relayed to all friends and family, why would she WANT to see me up to three times a week on some occasions? Wouldn't she just rather send the list, or at least e-mail me the words instead of having actual person to person contact? Very bizarre! It's like trying to figure a Rubik's Cube out with your eyes shut! Great! Now I've digressed back to the 80's!

Regardless, Surfon-hang in there. Scorn- I'm sure you'll do okay. Don't let it get you down. Indy mechanic, eh? Cool! Sounds abit more exciting than serving mochofrappolattechinohalfcalfs to people that are in too much of a hurry to even enjoy them!

[surfjon]

Hey comrades........

 

It was an emotional first session, more of a get to know you for my estranged wife and my therapist. I have to hand it to her in that I would have been nervous to go to someone she'd been with for 3 months. I expressed that I really appreciated her doing that.

 

As I expected, I tried to focus on the present and future, she dredged up the past. It was emotional, sitting next to the woman who for 20 plus years you began a life with, ate with, walked with, read with, slept with, dreamed of, admired, treasured, desired, wanted, raised kids with, made love with. It was farking hard to keep my composure, especially when she tearfully put a hand on my leg when she admitted we had some really strong, good times.

 

She continued to hide behind my kids being "calmer" and "happier" now, and how they never asked why we weren't together now.

 

She went on how she was "made sick" by me, and how her family was going to do an intervention and remove her from our house!! Ha!! Her sister has a failed marriage and UGLY divorce, her mom has 3 failed marriages ( 2 of them with the same guy!!!lulzy!!), her best friend a failed marriage and now in a dysfunctional relationship. So these people are the ones fit to "intervene", how about they intervene on themselves first.

 

I found it borderline comical how she is abused by her sister (emotionally and verbally) and has not stood up to that, she told our therapist how problems started with us when she "spoke up" to me, but she hid behind the "she's family" argument, I asked her at what point does a husband cease to be family, I mean 20 years?? She had no real answer. Her sister has been so hurtful to her for so many years, even when we first started dating.

 

We parted with me thanking her for coming, I guess we'll go again. I have to stay focused on my kids well being, and that will be benefitted from a peaceful end.

[surfjon]

Tig.......

That's rough as can be, man, she could not do that to you.

 

Scorned..........

It's hard to even TRY to work, I'm lucky, my boss is very understanding and supportive I've been there soooooolong!! 20 years, but ask my wife, she'll tell you I'm "irresponsible"!! If I owned a company, I'd want some "irresponsible" employees too

 

Also, man, I'm trying to avoid courtrooms, she owns a court reporting firm and has a rich family, I'm doomed if this winds up in court, she'll have the best of the best on her side.

[John Bendix]

surfjon,

 

I see what you have been going through. Abuse, emotional or otherwise, does not necessarily come from the parents or from the spouse. Which I think that you know.

 

Your meeting seemed to have some positive features. Your got to confirm some of your wife's emotional attributes. You could almost predict her behavior or at least what form it would take. As you saw, her comments about the kids being "calmer" is just her justifying and condoning her actions.

She still has the pain of guilt there.

 

How did you make her sick? You did not make her sick, by looking at you, she was viewing her unacceptable and perceived miserable life which you were a the major component of. The problem reallt is that her view of her life was making her sick and sick she became.

 

Another similarity. Almost every women on mife X's side of the family has gotten divorced after long term marriages. Most have been of the women just leaving or throwing the "horrible" husband out. It is amazing.

 

I know that things will work out for you, they have to.

 

John

[Tigger67]

Surfjon--Sounds like it went as well as well could be under all the circumstances. And it seems to me, from your post, that you remained strong and together through it. Good. Let her drudge up the past. Unfortunately, that is where they are still living.

I do consider you fortunate in the sense that you are being allowed this time to talk and get it out in the open, however painful it must be. You can at least build on this, maybe get some questions answered, and have your voice finally heard. I wish I had had that option. For me it's still the "if we don't talk about it, it'll just go away and be fine" attitude (my X's, not mine).

Glad to hear that your focus is on your kids. A true man and father you are. It kills me though how they (the X) do say, "the kids are fine now. They don't ask any questions" ! Yeah, well, they're not asking any questions because they have failed in getting any straight answers, so why bother anymore? My little girl was always asking 'Why?', and "do you love mommy?'. The big heartbreaker was when she scolded me one night and said "You guys broke your promise to each other. You're not supposed to break promises!" She may not be asking so many questions as often anymore, but I know she's still wondering and thinking them. I just hope my X will be around and will be able to acknowledge her part in all of this when it's time to pick up the pieces.

Hang in there my friend!

[scornandtorn]

Surf

Well done on keeping your composure. Don't let her irrational comments about the past get the best of you. It seems you are the one who is staying well grounded and logical through this. No matter what she needs to dredge up and rewrite in her own mind is only to justify her own behavior and build up her support network. I am sure the therapist will recognize this and try to redirect the focus.

 

I hope something positive came out of it for you and your children.

[surfjon]

Thanks all!!

I appreciate the responses. I actually saw her Friday for a moment, she looked sad, I felt bad because at the moment I felt pretty good and doesn't look physically well. She's ordinarily so gorgeous too.

 

Well, it's Saturday night...........

hope some of you are heading to a Halloween party, I've always loved H-Ween parties the best. Tonite "Moonfest", a HUGE costume blow-out is in my city again, we used to go together, but I'll go alone tonite, maybe with a friend though. I'm going as "Officer Dangle", from Reno-911!! Last year I was Steve Irwin, complete with big stuffed stingray pinned to my chest!!

 

Have fun all, thanks for the positive help!

 

Jon

[scornandtorn]

Tomorrow is another day in court with the x wife. She had the affair and left me for him, yet her anger and guilt is still directed at me. I don't even want to see her or hear her voice.

 

I will spend most of today getting my evidence together to try and save what I have left. If the judge orders me out of this house I don't know where I will go. I am layed off from work and this is probably the lowest point in my life.

 

How can she be so shameless? Just don't get it.

[surfjon]

Scorned........

That's rough, I can't say I know how that must feel, but soon I may know first-hand. It's been really hard making ends meet and giving her a grand a month for the kids. I've been forced to borrow money just to stay afloat and I'm getting a bit jumpy too. My house is for sale, it's a terrible market though. I'm hoping it will sell in a few months, that would ease things.

 

I'm allowing a quite unhealthy fear/apprehension relative to women to develop. This is coming from so many storys from guys I know here in town, and the bad situations I read here on ena. I know there are good women, I just am hearing of the not-so-good ones so much it's hard.

 

I'm starting to think the "good girls" are the ones here on ena going thru this with us guys here!! But now they're scared of us too!!

 

dangit!!

[scornandtorn]

I have my house which I was awarded or penalized for, however you want to look at it, for sale also. That is the main complaint from her attorney, that I am not using due diligence to sell the marital property. With the market the way it is this lawsuit seems frivolous.

[surfjon]

"due dilligence"??

 

Man, thats field biscuits!! Market so bad, you're right in feeling it's wasted time and money. You can't do more than have it listed and wait for things to happen...............

 

I may have to get a roomate soon if things don't change, work is slow too and it doesn't help much.

[John Bendix]

Scorn-

 

Is your divorce finalized? I had 9 months to give my X $49,000 in equitity whether or not I sold the house. Two contracts fell through and I had to refinance and give her her money. It is a special refinance set up for those in a divorce settlement.

 

Before the final settlement, my attorney told me that the only thing that I had to due was put it on the market with a licensed realtor. Maybe her attorney is just milking her or appeasing her because she is pestering him.

 

I too, have had to borrow money to keep going. I receive $315 in child support a month from her or should I say when ever it comes. Once, it has come on time and I have the State Attorney General's Office handling it. They refuse to do anything until it is about 6 months in arears. Her reimbursements for medical care have taken up to 9 months.

 

As for women, they are OK but I do not want one in my life right now. I want to raise my children and if I meet someone, OK. If I do not, that's OK also. It is not a need of mine anymore.

 

John

[scornandtorn]

Yeah John, our divorce was final 10/05. Two years later and she still is all about justifying her decision to mutilate our marriage. As per the settlement, I don't owe her a dime when this house sells.

 

She didn't actually show up in the court room today, it was just her attorney. I am so glad I didn't have to see her or hear the sound of her voice because it would have been a set back.

 

I did well in showing all of my documents and defusing her contempt theory. I went in there without an attorney and stood right up to the allegations. Her attorney folded rather quickly. I am going to have a little champagne now in honor of my small victory!

 

Hope that all of you made through today.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

If she had no vested interest in the sale of the house, how can she file suit? Sounds pretty frivolous. What was she hoping to gain? There are laws to protect us against multiple frivolous law suits instituted by the same party. The judge would not happy at all at her attorney for wasting the courts time.

 

But, I am glad that it worked out for you. As you may read in my book, my X did not even knew what hit her in the legal arena. Believe it or not, my attorney (one that wanted to do the right thing) was adamant about making sure another walkaway wife (he says he deals with it everyday) was not going to get everything she thought she deserved. Her distorted logic was not going to work in court. She was forced to cave. Well, 2 attorneys quit her (in less than 2 months) and the third called her "a crazy woman" to my attorney.

 

Congradulations and enjoy the bubbly.

[Tigger67]

A bit off subject from the previous couple of posts, as I (thankfully) have no tales of courtroom woe to go over. Just posting because I'm experiencing a minor setback in my whole 'strength, you can get over this and move on' state of mind.

We had our daughter's parent/teacher conference tonight. It was like 'bizarro' world. Like nothing had ever happened. Like we were at conferences two years ago. It was just so 'normal' and comfortable. I bet if the teacher didn't know that we were divorced, she wouldn't have had a clue. And I'm not saying that we should have been angry-facing and yelling at each other or anything like that, but it was just TOO relaxed. I just went through a range of emotions, from sad to angry to wanting to talk about us to just wanting to shake her and ask 'what the hell were you thinking' to just wanting to hold her. And the saddest part for me was watching her drive off to her place as I'm walking home, just wishing that we were headed in one direction together.

Not sure what I'm really looking for in this post. Has anyone else had any real backslides as of late?

By the way--Happy Halloween tomorrow! I hope I have some candy left to hand out by the time the kiddies start coming!

[John Bendix]

Tigger,

 

Probably not a backslide unless you make it out to be one. Just the ego (It is always there) wishing that the past had been different which would make the present moment easier to accept. We all do this but it is to what degree we allow it to go that brings on how much suffering we put our selves through.

 

I have felt that way and recognized it. Felt those feelings and let them go without identifying other thoughts and emotions with them. The unpleasent feelings did not last that long. Practice and re-programing.

 

I have wanted to say to my X, "WAKE UP", You are creating a huge amount of misery in alot of people's lives here", or "Let me just hold you and talk quietly. We can work this out." But, after dealing with her wall for so long, I knew it was a fruitless action to even contemplate.

[scornandtorn]

Tigger, I think we all go through these setbacks. I know I even have them with no contact with her at all and the pain she causes me. Man I have a lot of respect for you guys that have to man up for the sake of your kids. Don't let her emotions, expressions or words draw you back into the turmoil. Accept them just as they are nothing more. Anything short of her saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and will give you a 100% commitment on repairing the damage, is less than sufficient.