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I want to divorce my wife and find LOVE.......advice?


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I met my wife, in 1996……while jetskiing on a local lake..

She had two (3 &4) yr old daughters at the time from a previous marriage…

I was a single, lonely sailor….

She was "okay" looking, but not a woman I'd normally go "wow" over..


During our first month of dating, she came over to my place and almost caught me cheating, with my neighbor next door, and although I denied it, I believe that she knows..

She was hysterical, upset, and I've never thought anyone would care about me like she did……….it kind of attracted her to me for that reason.


We never really dated, courted, or had "romance" at all….there were a few drunk nights, when it was fairly hot..

She cooked good meals, and gave me a sort of home..

We moved in together a year later, split the bills, and things have been more or less okay….

We got married a few months after that..

Her kids are now 11 & 12, and good girls…and we have one I helped make, she is now 3…….

She also gave me stability, which helped me attain a dream-career for me.......I feel that the family environment helped me become the man I am..


My cheating started in 2000…

I was a street cop at the time………a one-nighter for starters……….then I came back to the girl twice more…

I felt a lot of guilt about it at the time…..

Then there was a 6 month relationship with another woman, which ended on it's own when my wife and I moved accross the country with my job…it was purely for sex, and I made sure the girl knew I was married, and it was only for fun..

There were also at least 2 other one-niters since then, one with an old friend, and one with a stranger..

I've never been sexually attracted to my wife, and would in most cases prefer to masturbate instead of have sex………..because I'm just going to think about someone else besides my wife anyway..


My wife is not on my level intellectually either, so conversation has never been very interesting..

On a good note, we've never had a serious fight..


I'm away on business right now, and have met my dream-woman..while away..

She is a very intelligent, professional, beautiful and sensual woman…..everything my wife is not..



However, I am obligated with my job to spend two more years on the west-coast, and this DREAMGIRL is not about to leave her family network on the east coast at this time, so this is not even really about her..




I didn't know what happiness and excitement were…….


Mine was a marriage of convenience and nothing more……….


I do care about my wife, and I know in my heart it will kill her if I try to divorce her….


I do not want to hurt her at all………..and it's killing me to think this way..


I am telling myself that I should get a divorce, and maybe someday find the woman of my dreams, one which I am intellectually stimulated by, and physically and sexually attracted to..


This is the only life I will have, and my thoughts are that I don't want to be 50-60-70 yrs old, life slipping away and still not satisfied with my marriage, or my life…


I'm not attracted physically to my wife, and don't think I ever will be..

She's a good woman, but our marriage is like a friendship, instead of a romance..



I want to "BE IN LOVE", something I've never been………



What do I do????????




I am so lost…….

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Hi. Honestly I think your story is terrible, warped and sad, you know why, cause it is my story exactly, but I am a woman and I am in your shoes. I have never cheated though, but am not physically attracted, nor intellectually challenged by my man, though he has a universtiy degree and an excellent high-profile job. I have never been and have never had the strength to tell him for fear of hurting him (but I get hurt and disatisfied in the process).


You know, maybe (and I am trying to figure out myself here) you were scared to find that dream girl. Why I don't know, you have to go into your past exactly. What were the experiences that led you to find comfort with her?


For me, I think lots of men came onto me before and it was like being among the lions. My man was more the placid, calming, friend type, a secure place, offering me help in my career, a stable job, family etc., not looking at me liike a piece of meat. I was long-distance wtih him for a while and I could not even break it off because of TOTAL GUILT; I met this guy I just fell head over heels with but felt so guilty I could not even acknowledge my attraction (7 years later I have sent him an email on this, isn't that sick?) I was not selfish enough and I am paying for it, like I have more nocturnal orgasms than anything from him.


Your cheating is strangely enough at least a step. She is your linus blanket. Please tell me what was the one marking event that led you to post on this board. For me it was that one night (my husband, we also have two kids under 4) he was so tired from his big job (he often is) that I was trying to stir things up in the bedroom and he rejected me from fatigue. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I now had to initiate: 'I am not even attracted to you and have been faking it all along to preserve the closeness and affection that you provide for me unconditionally. ' Yes, my man loves me unconditionally which is very attractive and he is a wonderful man, but boring really, predictable, excellent dad, etc.


My dear I think you have a puppy and are scared to go out and get the dog, perhaps? Please read all posts from real amour? as this may help seeing it from my perspective. Good luck.

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talk to your wife. perhaps she feels the same way about things. after all, what good is a marriage without sex and companionship (you can't talk on the same level, that's hardly being friends, man)? i am sure you will continue to provide for them (or the law will) and still be an occasional parent to your kid and her kids.


love on the other hand, is pretty hard to find. but if you want to give yourself a chance, you should divorce before you find it, so that your dream girl isn't saddled with being the 3rd party right from the start of your wonderful relationship, whenever that's happening.

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Thanks for the advice and replies…


Let me tell you more reasons, that I'm considering this, and I'd love advice on what you all think..




First off, let me say that my wife is fairly attractive, and thin, a very devoted mother and employee of the company that she works for, and everyone she knows, really likes her…


I don't remember ever being refused sex………okay, maybe once or twice…………but even if she didn't want to, she'd do I for me………..just because she thinks it's her wifely duty or something..


Hard worker-full time job, full time mom, soccer mom etc…………


She's great with our money, doesn't spend to much, and manages our finances well..


Great, respectful 11 and 12 year old female step-children……….I've never called them step-kids, they've never called me step-dad, and they have always called me dad, since I came into their life at about 3 & 4 yrs old..


Have another 3 year old I helped make………another beautiful child…


She's followed me accross the country with my job…………..quit hers in the process………..and always found work again..





Again, it was a marriage of convenience,


I was never "wowed" by her looks, and never crazy about her, she was just a decent girl, and I thought I wanted an instant family..


I don't think I was ever "in love" with her……it was like the country song PAYCHECKS WERE BETTER THAN ONE, SO I MADE HER THE QUEEN OF MY DOUBLEWIDE TRAILER"…………………ETC


We didn't have even have sex on our wedding night…


We had sex maybe twice on our 7 day honeymoon..


I don't remember missing her when I've been away, including the last 2 ½ months….in fact business trips are almost like a vacation for me, and I look forward to them..


I don't like kissing her…


Once in a while, when I'm really longing for sex, I'll initiate sex, but still won't really be into it……….I'd really rather masturbate..


I always fantasize about someone else when with her..


She's had maybe one orgasm in 7 years, and I can attempt to please her for hours, without her having one… She says she's just "not comfortable" enough to have one.. She doesn't know how to give herself one either… I've told her, that she needs to "find herself", experiment, and then I can help her……….but she won't do it..


I like things neat, and the house is constantly a wreck, because between her and the girls, none of them can put anything back in it's place………..i.e. : If they take off an article of clothing, they drop it where they stand, instead of hanging it up….etc etc etc……..She acts like she tries hard to be neat, but in reality, she's messy all day, and then spends two hours cleaning house every day, when she could have been neat in the first place……


I grew up overseas as a child, and traveled the world as an adult in the military for 10 years, and am well-cultured… I stay in touch with current events, and like to continue to educate myself.. I can't carry on a conversation with her about anything other than the kids or her job, because she doesn't know anything else….Example: If I mentioned ENRON to her and how sad, it is for all the employees, she'd say "What's ENRON"………….so I have no meaningful conversations with her…


We don't have much in common at all……….At one time I thought we did, but now I don't think so………..


The little bickering has increased over the years, mainly about the raising of the kids…


For example, a regular disagreement for us is: I don't think they should be going to "dances" at 11 & 12 years old, she does, and she lets them anyway….


The 11 & 12 year old's father has recently decided to make an appearance back into their lives, and after spending a month during the summer with him, I'm hearing talk of them wanting to go live with him.. I'm just waiting for the "you're not my daddy, and you can't tell me what to do" scenario………..


I could go on and on for hours, about the things I don't like, and the bottom line is still that I'm not happy…


It's not my wife's fault, and she is a devoted wife and mother…..


I am going through a lot of mental anguish over if, when and how I'm going to tell her, that I don't love her anymore…


Whether to tell her the truth, that I don't think I ever was "in love" with her…..


Or to tell her that I've cheated on her……


How she is going to make it without me…


If she can find another man who will love her and take her on with three children………


Whether it would make sense for me to try to get custody of my biological child…It makes sense to me…….she has two already……..


I am so lost and confused about the actions I should take…





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some people are just happy to live in their own universe, not caring about what's going on. you chose to join her universe, and now you want out. fair enough, i guess. she will probably have to make some adjustments:

- sex, no big deal, it's not much fun for her anyway

- love, er, what love?

- kids - you might want to wait until the other 2 are offloaded to their dad but that might take awhile.

- finances - if there's just her and your kid, and you give her alimony, she'll manage

- house - no difference. it will continue to be messy. that's just her style

- companionship/friendship - there's nothing much there. at least the quarrels will disappear completely.


all in all, you're not a great husband to her. just barely scraping the bottom of the barrel. and she's just a filler wife. (someone who fills the position of wife in your life) - so that's pretty much the norm.


if you want different, then go out and make a difference. shake up your life. and see what is the result when things settle down. one thing for sure. nothing will be the same again.


mostly on the kids. they will have to face the usual (and terrible) trauma of being 'abandoned'. even your 3-year old daughter will not escape this.


so some people will stay on because of their children. personally, i think that sucks, cos you have no real life.


but that's also pretty selfless. living for someone else. not for yourself. which is the christian principle. if you can do that, i applaud you. but being selfless means you no longer grumble about your circumstances, nor wish for something to happen to 'free' you, but to learn to love and cherish your wife and kids at their level.


may you make the wise choice.

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I am also in your boat! But i have not even been married a year yet! I can count on both hand how many times i've had sex since i've been married(11months now). A 12 day honeymoon, maybe 3-4 times. And I cringed everytime! I am not physically attracted to my husband at all. He sux with money, he is very irresponsible, very lazy. But I didn't realize this until after we were married! We dated for 8 years and i feel like i was blind for 8 years or he was a real good actor. I know i will never be truly happy!


I did stray as well! I found my "dream man"! We are so alike, i know i will be very happy with him, he makes me very happy! But how can i leave my husband? It hasn't even been a year yet! How will he ever make it without me? I know he will be crushed and i do love him so I dont want to hurt him! But what do I do? Stay missrable and wonder in 20 yrs from now what it would have been like if i left him for my dream man? Just so my husband wont be hurt? The more I think about it the more crazy I think I am for even considering staying!


You deserve to be happy! Your wife will eventually move on! I'm sure it will be hard for both of you at first, but the pain will go away!

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  • 7 years later...
Let me tell you more reasons, that I'm considering this, and I'd love advice on what you all think..



Remember - you asked for it.


So you've come to the astounding realisation that you have just one life. I understand that this is a profound moment for you. U2 have a hit with this theme after all. And you've come to the conclusion that you should be entitled to leave your family and go find someone who really does it for you ... because, after all.. you only have one life.


To me, this is all about perspective. You could come to your death bed and say "I'm not sure that I ever had a real passion for my wife.. like the kind I know I've felt, at least in the short term, for other women, but I know I loved her and was loved by her all my life. I know I was a good husband to her. I know I was a good father to my three year old daughter and that I stuck by her the way she needed me to. I know I was a great step father to my step kids - even when they were going through their difficult phase. I know I lived my life with integrity and kept the commitments I made - and kept the promises I made. I am after all, nothing, if my word means nothing.


Or you can come to your death bed and say "I screwed over those I promised to love and care for. I screwed over the child I brought into this world. But hey - I had a great relationship with a woman I had great passionate sex with."


So you prefer to be the second of these men. That's fine - but at the end of the day - that's because your values are about pleasing yourself.


If that's the way it is - that's the way it is. I feel sorry for your wife. I feel terribly sorry for your kids - biological and step. I don't have a huge amount of confidence in your ability to maintain any relationship (however intellectual or hot the woman is) in the long term since when the going gets tough you get running, and unhappy and 'never really in love' - but so be it, right? You only have one life, after all. There's a profound revelation for you. Pity it's never made on the side of "I only have one life, I should aspire to keep my word, keep my promises, and not go about the world hurting people".

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What do I do????????




I am so lost…….


What you do is you leave your wife ... because just as you deserve to find true love, so does your wife deserve to be truly loved.


Yes its going to hurt her but you have been cheating on her for over 10 years. She could have found out at any point and its only a matter of time before she does. How do you think she will feel then?

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  • 5 months later...

I stumbled back accross this thread while cleaning up the favorites on my work computer. Long story short, we're still together and going strong... Thanks for the great advice to those that recently replied. Is everything perfect? No, but what marriage is? I am not cheating and am loving my wife for the wonderful woman, wife and mother she is..

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  • 3 weeks later...
I stumbled back accross this thread while cleaning up the favorites on my work computer. Long story short, we're still together and going strong... Thanks for the great advice to those that recently replied. Is everything perfect? No, but what marriage is? I am not cheating and am loving my wife for the wonderful woman, wife and mother she is..
You've gotta provide more color. What turned the corner for you?


I'm in the same boat: Turning 40 next month, married for 15, 2 sons 8 and 9. Traumatic 2 1/2 years: Hurricane Ike + $30K in damage; then we moved 1000 miles accross the country (my job transfer); then put $150K into remodeling the new house...while the housing market dropped by the day. And we lived in the house while the reno was going on (DON'T DO THIS! NEVER NEVER NEVER!). She was diagnosed with depression and is getting treated...seems to be improving.


Me: 2 parents, not in love in the past 20 years, but my dad is loyal - his character is stainless steel. Probably the greatest human being I've had the pleasure of knowing. My mother made it clear she didn't want me growing up, so I crave affection from a female now. She likes me now..but I don't care any more. I'm good to her because it's the right thing to do. I've always kind of been a workoholic, but it's paid well. I was always my own best company...I'd date 3-4 women at a time to keep from choking them on my intensity, almost always short term, and it worked for me.


Her: parents divorced when she was 5. Her father was an alcoholic (now sober for 25 years), he has a long term GF of 30+ years who is very successful, but also not maternal (never had kids of her own). Mother never remarried and is hard and parched in the way only a West Texas farmer's daughter can be. To this day, when she spends time with my wife, she is relentlessly critical..and my wife has been known to throw me under the bus to placate her mother (which I'm OK with...whatever gets her through). My wife has recently gone back to work in outside sales, a job she's never done before. I think she's at least as good a mom as I am a dad.


She and I got together because we were kind to each other. We have similar views on religion, politics, raising children, spending/saving money, and we both roll our eyes at the same things and laugh at the same comedians. Where we have taste differences, we just think they're quirky and cute and make us unique. We've never had as much sex as I'd like, though when we do it's usually insane - I can't remember the last time we had sex that she didn't have an orgasm, before our troubles, usually 2, sometimes 3. I'm OK with the fact that her sex motor runs a little slower. Neither of us have been unfaithful (to my knowledge). Neither of us will ever be mistaken for supermodels, but compared to other 40-year olds I know, I think we're both at least 75% percentile. We're both within about 10% of our weights when we were 23 and started dating.


When I get rattled, I cling. When she gets rattled, she distances (the opposite of the way most couples do it, right?). You can see where this is going.


For my part, I've been very supportive of her job - bought her a book on salesmanship; introduced her to my fairly extensive business network; looked after the kids; given her pep talks about how EVERY salesman hates cold calling...but it separates the good salesmen from the lousy ones. Told her I believe in her - that her hiring manager is in the business of picking winners, and he picked her - despite her lack of relevant experience. I've quit drinking. I've quit saying "I love you," as it freaks her out. I've invited her to join me on business trips; tried to set up weekends away - she's refused because "who will look after the kids?"


For her part, she laughs at my jokes, even when not funny; talks to me when I need to talk; we've had sex once a month for two months now; and she says the right things when I ask; and she accomodates when I'm angry by listening, mirroring, and explaining her view...and by choosing not to get offended when I say things I shouldn't. Our "Heavy Talks" always end with me feeling better. If I ask, she will tell me she respects and values me...but will never volunteer or show it.


Over the past 17 years (including dating), my clinging hasn't been a problem. I attended a grad school 100 miles away from her, this was pre-cell phone, and we saw each other on weekends. I've been a workoholic, travel a lot for business, and have a lot of hobbies that keep me out of her hair. But with everything that happened, I need TLC - I've explained it to her as when you sprain your ankle, you have to baby it for a couple months until it is healed - this is temporary.


Up until a year ago, I'd have told you we have the happiest marriage of anyone I know. But we have fundamentally different TLC needs. Am I going to bed hungry for the rest of my life? I haven't had an affair and I'm not looking....but I'll admit that if an even slightly attractive woman came my way, I'd walk away from my kids, house, 15-year marriage, 60% of my income forever, and everything else I've worked for just to feel like SOMEBODY desires me...even if it's only for 6 months.


I know the statistics - the majority of people in a lousy marriage are happy again in 5 years if they stay; the majority who leave are unhappy 5 years later. I know that, on paper, there is a LOT to admire and love about my wife - and on paper, I'm a really good catch. I know that divorce is hell on the children, regardless of how people try to justify it - at best, it's the least horrible of a number of lousy choices. I know the odds of her finding another man who will love the kids as much as I do are slim. I know she is exactly what I'd be looking for in my next girlfriend..except for the distance thing. I know I probably wouldn't stay single for long, unless I wanted to.


So obviously, I'm very interested in hearing the story of a man whose marriage was also close to dead, but he made the decision to stay and it worked out for him.

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  • 2 months later...
  • 5 weeks later...

I understand where you are coming from. I'm 24 married for 2 months and fee like it is not what I want in my life right now. I feel like I terrible person. I have cheated on her while dating, engaged and married. I feel the sane way about rather touching myself than sex. I just feel like I made a terrible mistake. I feel very lost too bc she is quite happy and I'm not but try to put on a happy persona. I feel like a total fool. I'm not sure how to tell her I no longer want to be your husband and would love my freedom back .

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  • 11 months later...


It's amazing how almost all cheaters have this "revelation." You're rationizing to assuage the guilt of your misdeeds.


Let us know how your DREAMGIRL works out for you bud.

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