just found out my gf and roomate hooked up before we all met

[studbaker99]

ok i dont want to type a huge story -

 

i met my gf at a party at this house in jan 2006

this house has 2 people living in it, a brother and sister whose parents own the house. my gf is very good friends with the sister.

shortly after the party i started dating my gf.

3 months later i moved into the house (march 2006)

 

fast forward 1.5 years - i found out that my gf hooked up (includes sex) with my roomate the brother PRIOR to me meeting all of them.(somewhere in 2005). I know nothing of hte details on this (ie how long how serious etc) except that he kinda cut it off with her due to his interest in another girl who was common friends.

 

now i found out about this due to a fluke - but basically my guy roomate thought she was flirting with him (which she wasnt but he just thought cuz hes a horn dog) and he started asking questions to me if 'are u and your gf cool?' which i asked him straight up if ther was anything going on, and i then asked her if anything had happened between her and him this other day at the beach (which they both had gone to). To which she replied, 'yeah we had sex' - i was taken aback - she just blurted it out, as a matter of fact - and i didnt know if she was joking or not. So i was like 'are u serious??' etc, and i found out that she thought i had asked her if 'did anything ever happen between u and the roomie' vs 'did anything happened between u two that day' - so she just answered there had been some history between them in the past but it was all over even before i came on the scene and it was not a big deal. anyway - she wasnt the most supportive while i dealt with these news - in fact she was about to pack up her things and just 'give me space' cuz by the way i reacted 'this could be it for us'.

 

the point tho - is now i have this visual of them 'doing it' and it does bug me. this was 2 days ago and me and the gf been out doing stuff so i have avoided talking or facing the roomie, but i dont know how to do it. (he knows i know).

 

Part of it is feeling a bit like i was not in on the 'joke' for all this time i was his roomate - and my anger is mostly towards her - it would have been great if she had someday told me about it and not have me find out this way. Then again, i understand that this is ancient history and there would be no need for me to know it, cuz, look at what that's causing.

 

I wish i didnt know about this - but now that i do..what can i do? what do i tell her?

 

how can i look this roomate in the eye now? i feel like i have to somehow 'regain power' and tell him something like 'dude, whatever happened between u two is past history, but nothing is gonna happen now and get your mind out of thinking anything like it' - cuz again, he thought she was flirting with him...so im sure before he came to talk to me he was contemplating the possibilities. he's a cool dude and up until now i did consider him a friend, and he did come to me and talk about this 'vibe' he was getting from my gf (but then, if a girl says 'hi' he gets a vibe...)

[ProtestTheHero]

Same thing happened to me. I found out my gf had hooked up with a mutual friend I used to chill with a lot prior to us being in a relationship. It did a number on me too. It's worse when you can put a face to the guy.

 

Everyone is going to tell you "This is ancient history. The past is the past. We all have pasts (not always true). She is with you now. If a guy does this he's a stud, why the double standard?" None of these are very helpful, I'm sure, if you are anything like me.

 

I got over it just because my brain readily accepted that there was a difference between a random act of sex and her being with me. If she cares about you, then her connection with you is on a whole different level than anything that guy was ever able to experience through just the act of sex alone.

 

I know it messes with your mind, man. I'm assuming at 1.5 years the "L" word has been used. If she loves you, but didn't love him, you can see how you come out on top in all this. Just calmly remind yourself that this guy is no longer a threat, and if your gf is of the loyal persuasion (lol), then you have nothing to worry about.

 

I'm sure it will be awkward for a little while. I personally haven't talked/hung out with the guy since I found out, and she hasn't either. I didn't ask her to avoid him, but I think she could sense my weirdness with it.

 

We as males wanna get pissed off and confront when this kinda stuff happens. We just have to decide to master our biology rather than being a slave to it in order to get over the "territorial" mindset we all have at times.

[HarleyHunny]

That's a pretty easy one.....It was PRIOR to meeting her. It's not like she cheated on you. So, you have 2 choices, get over it, or don't.

[studbaker99]

I'm sure it will be awkward for a little while. I personally haven't talked/hung out with the guy since I found out, and she hasn't either. I didn't ask her to avoid him, but I think she could sense my weirdness with it.

 

a bit hard considering he's my roomate!...knowing that this guy i see every day banged my gf (regardless of the time line) messes your mind.

 

and, yes we've used the L word but who's to say it wasnt used between them?? i know next to nothing about what played out - i know she's had 4 serious bfs prior to me, so maybe L wasnt it - but it could have been a few months-long sex fest of some sort (ok i'd like to think i outshine him on that department...) , or maybe just a one time drunk thing (my guess is something in between). I don't know!.. i'd like to know, but at the same time, i dont think its quite appropriate, and quite honestly opening that door would lead me to ask more questions i probably wouldn't want to know the answer of...

 

 

and yes, it was prior to meeting her, so it wasnt a cheat or anything - but it almost feels like it. Maybe if it was a bf/gf thing between them i'd be more cool about it than a quick fling... cuz then the whole thing was based on 'pure' sex and connection vs any sort of built up emotion that was there and went away.

 

I figure once i get over the initial 'confrontation' with him sometime this week i either get over it or dont...

[ProtestTheHero]

That's a pretty easy one.....It was PRIOR to meeting her. It's not like she cheated on you. So, you have 2 choices, get over it, or don't.

 

I told you someone would say this.

 

Yeah, I know. I'd like to feel as if I was the best my gf ever had. In all honesty, she's had quite a sexual history. It took me a hell of a long time to get over. If you wanna know the details, Idk if I'd ask her about it. I'd prolly just try to ask the roommate in a non-confrontational way what went down during that time.

 

I also had an easier time dealing with her bf/gf sexual experiences because at least it took some work, y'know? I'd like to not think of my gf as someone who throws herself at dumb guys for quick gratification.

 

Dude, I better stop talking about this lol. Your points are making me doubt myself lol. I guess I'm not really over it either.

[Lana0120]

You replace images of him and her with you and her and remind yourself that if he was so great, she would be with him - not you. You don't have to do anything to establish 'power' (how juvenile that sounds is incredible - no wonder she's asked for space for now) - because you got the girl in the end. Just enjoy your relationship. The best thing to do is to just accept it and move on. Don't ask for gory details as that will just make her even more annoyed. Just go cap in hand, tell her what a fool you've been, you were irrationally jealous and can she forgive you. You've missed her like crazy, etc.

[Locke2121]

Hey...just let it go. She had to play the field a bit before she found the right dude didn't she?

[studbaker99]

Yeah, I know. I'd like to feel as if I was the best my gf ever had. In all honesty, she's had quite a sexual history. It took me a hell of a long time to get over. If you wanna know the details, Idk if I'd ask her about it. I'd prolly just try to ask the roommate in a non-confrontational way what went down during that time.

 

She's a hard girl to argument with, and she's somewhat insenstive. To describe how set she is, she told me she had sex with the roomie the day all three of us were walking to the car from being at the beach, and then on the way back in the car she was already telling me she wasn't gonna put up with any drama cuz it was in the past and there wasn't anything to it. Quite honestly I felt literally like my feelings didn't matter. Only later I was able to talk to her a bit more and how I felt and to be more patient with how I was processing the information. Yeah that was * * * *ty - she does that to her sister too - her sister has been through some depression, and my gf doesnt really 'get' depression. She says her sister should just get a job and get over it - just like I guess I'm supposed to 'get over it' in the space of 5 minutes.

 

Anyway that behavior from her didn't help the situation. In any case, later she did offer to tell me the details of how it all happened - she started telling me about this trip...which leads me to believe it was a one or two time thing, so I'm not too trippy about it.

 

I also had an easier time dealing with her bf/gf sexual experiences because at least it took some work, y'know? I'd like to not think of my gf as someone who throws herself at dumb guys for quick gratification.

 

Ahah you nailed it on the head - then again, me and her hooked up maybe a month into it, so as adults (we're 30) we just jump quicker into the sack with less hangups.

 

To sum it up - yeah I'm over this specific incident - at first I sort of reacted like I had been cheated on , but the whole thing of it being in the past makes all the difference.

 

I'm just a bit hurt over how she chose to act upon my feelings (or, not to act at all), but that seems to be more of a personality trait of hers, that I hope to swing a bit. There's other stuff brewing tho, but that's a topic for another post.