Who pays?

[everythingchanges456]

I'm a big believer in a man paying on dates. I'm curious...since I haven't dated in a while...what the consensus is? Is it now considered rude for the woman not to at least offer?

[nightw0lf]

I'm a big believer in a man paying on dates. I'm curious...since I haven't dated in a while...what the consensus is? Is it now considered rude for the woman not to at least offer?

 

i still pay, it just seems weird for a woman to pay if we had to go for dinner or summing, Nowadays though i think woman may find it offensive if guys always pay (independent)

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think the guy should pay for the first few dates. Then I think the woman should at least pay after that sometimes. Or at least offer.

[desert_rose26]

depends on who initiated the date. If you did, then you'd offer to pay (if he offers to pay, he's a gentleman). If the guy initiated, then expect him to pay. Always have extra cash in case someone misunderstands. wait - I shouldn't even be giving advice on dating since I haven't had any experience yet. opps.

[hosswhispra]

I am appreciative and I like it if a guy pays-especially in the beginning. It makes me feel feminine and pretty darn special, if you want to know the truth.

 

It's not that I can't pay--I do pretty well, thankfully.

 

It just makes me feel feminine. To tell you the truth, it's nice to have someone take you out and make you feel special.

 

If he doesn't pay in the beginning- I assume that he's not really into me.

 

P.S. I do offer to pay the tip at the very least......and they usually refuse that.

[desert_rose26]

If he doesn't pay in the beginning- I assume that he's not really into me.

 

or maybe they are stingy - my ex was reluctant to spend on everything. He always made sure that he didn't over spend on me...how unmanly eh?!!!

[JeckyllNHyde]

or maybe they are stingy - my ex was reluctant to spend on everything. He always made sure that he didn't over spend on me...how unmanly eh?!!!

 

OMG... I would hate going out with someone like that. In fact I would feel uncomfy with him and long to go out on my own so I can order whatever I want and not feel guilty. Hehe.

[everythingchanges456]

That's a good point...I haven't been on a FIRST date in a long time...I suppose it can feel awkward not wanting to order too much and take advantage LOL Guess I could offer...although, I think for the old fashioned men I know...offering is insulting. At least if you offer on the first date...you get an idea of their personality or views on chivalry.

[android12]

hmm wow im rather the opposite to everyone i spose hahaha....im one of "those" independent ppl who likes to pay. i dont feel comfortable with a guy always paying for everything cos then i feel like hes trying to buy "services not yet rendered" ahahahah plus i strongly believe in 50/50 and for me by payin some things it shows him i respect him too. one of my friends is like "yea, i let my bf pay for everything! i think ive only shouted him to a lunch ONCE cos he didnt have any cash on him and there was no atm near by - hes rich...he can pay for it it" i really dont like that frame of mind. i know my boy cares for me, he shows it in many ways - not just by paying for stuff

[hosswhispra]

I think for the old fashioned men I know...offering is insulting. At least if you offer on the first date...you get an idea of their personality or views on chivalry.

 

Old fashioned dudes exist? Really....hmmmm...interesting. I haven't spotted any.

 

Yeah, I agree with you 100%, some guys get insulted if you offer to pay. I totally understand that. Once a girlfriend of mine insisted she pay-when I said I got it. I felt a bit insulted....

[desert_rose26]

I agree with andriod. I also often offer to pay too. I think 50/50 is important. But in the beginning stages, I will let the guy be the guy if ya know what I mean. I view it more as an oldfashioned way rather than him buying "services".

[hosswhispra]

Just because a guy pays on a date, a woman shouldn't feel as though he's "paying for her services". A gentleman asks you out on the date in the first place because he enjoys the sheer pleasure of your company---without a hidden agenda.

[desert_rose26]

OMG... I would hate going out with someone like that. In fact I would feel uncomfy with him and long to go out on my own so I can order whatever I want and not feel guilty. Hehe.

 

yeah. He never really showed generosity. Everytime he did something special, it was to basically pay me back or balance what I had done for him. Gosh that sucked!!! I didn't think much at the beginning because I thought he was low on cash but thinking back, he never verbally offered to pay for anything! He NEVER once said "I've got it". GOSH I didn't feel FEMININE at ALL!!!!! AHH I'm feelin my blood race now. sorry.

[Batya33]

When I did on line dating I did not consider a first meet to be a first date even if the man was the one who asked to meet me- because he never met me. Often, that first meet was just for coffee (and I just do "coffee" - no specialty coffees) - for a $2 cup of coffee, I sometimes offered, sometimes didn't but I did like when the man waited in line to order for me - it seemed gentlemanly. however, if we met for a meal it depended.

 

If he insisted on an expensive restaurant when I had expressed a preference just to meeet for coffee, once in awhile I didn't offer or I offered to get drinks or dessert after (if there was an "after" - my thinking was since he insisted and didn't ask if I could afford that restaurant he should pay. Typically however I offered to pay my way. Whenever I was asked my preference for a meal I deliberately chose an inexpensive place.

 

The sexist part - if I offered to pay my way on a first meet and he accepted, that was a turn off to me if he wanted another date with me unless there were strange circumstances (like he hadn't realized how expensive the place was, etc. I know, not fair, but being honest with how I felt.

 

On a "normal" first date, I expect the guy (who asks) to treat but I almost always offer to pay my share - the only exceptions where it is obvious he would be offended if I even offered or if he took care of the bill while I wasn't at the table (which makes it awkward). On second, third, fourth dates I always offered (and meant it sincerely!) and if he consistently refused after the fourth date I found ways around that - either I would buy tickets in advance (to a movie, a museum, a concert) for our next date, bake him cookies, buy him a CD or a book he said he liked, etc.

 

With my boyfriend and I he strongly prefers to pay 80-90% of the time and I let him pay about 60-70% of the time (and I also make him dinners, buy him things, and sometimes I will choose an inexpensive restaurant or choose to eat at home with him if I know he wants to take me out and won't take my money).

 

Also, when I first am dating someone if we go to dinner I order something that is either the same or less in amount of $ than he does.

[hosswhispra]

All of it seems rather complicated and rather tediously exhausting-who pays, oh gosh, what should I order, is it too much....someone put me in a therapy chair already my head is spinning like the exorcist!

 

It's too much high anxiety for me. When I am solo, I do what I want and I get what I want. Sounds more relaxed to me, right now anyways.

[Batya33]

You are right - my post was full of rules and guidelines. That is a part of dating that is not fun but things that involve money often aren't fun - it can be a bit stressful/complicated going out with certain friends when money is involved - how much to tip, how to split the bill, who owes who money, what type of restaurant to go to, etc. After the early dating stage it's been fairly simple and natural for me at least in my relationship.

[JadedStar]

I think whomever asked the other out should pay.

 

But call me sexist as well but I agree with Batya. On a first date if I offered to pay and he took me up on it, it wouldn't sit well with me either. There are still some gender roles and I don't have a problem with them. Maybe because I am older, I don't know. But i would feel funny abuot a man who asked me out, and I offered to pay for half or all of it, and he jumped on the chance.

 

It is not that I can't afford it, because I can. I'd just feel he might be cheap and since I am not cheap I'd realize that would spell trouble for us later on.

 

It's okay to have these thoughts on first dates. It is no surprise that each person is sizing the other up. It is an interview of sorts. and since I am a former recruiter, interviews are a big deal to me. LOL

[tylercdurden2004]

Man o man men have a lot of expectations on them! Who can blame them if this dating thing gets them a little dizzy?

 

First dates, ladies get a low cost date at a cafe or nice bar. I get to know them better, dont lose my wallet and find out if they are after my or not. Plus it reduces the chances they will feel they are being bought.

[Day_Walker]

As you can see this is a huge issue, I think it all comes down to what you exactly define as a date. The traditional rule is that who ever initiates the date then that is the person that pays. That seems to be the general rule but there are wide variations on the rule and it is going to depend on what the parties involved believed. If I was a female then I would be a firm believer in the guy paying. From the guys perspective I am going to look for a far more cost effective and efficient manner to "date" than for me just to pay all the time.

[android12]

haha i love this thread - its so funny....alto of ppl have the same views but with different takes on them ^_^ i think the key it to talk to the SO about it if its an issue and come to some sorta agreement ^_^

[JadedStar]

Man o man men have a lot of expectations on them! Who can blame them if this dating thing gets them a little dizzy?

 

First dates, ladies get a low cost date at a cafe or nice bar. I get to know them better, dont lose my wallet and find out if they are after my or not. Plus it reduces the chances they will feel they are being bought.

 

If you ask a woman out on a date, you should pay for that date. It is cheap not to.

 

If I asked a man out on a date, I would pay. I wouldn't even think twice about it.

[CaptainPlanet]

This all sounds good in theory the man paying as a symbolic gesture. With that in mind dating can quickly become expensive if the man is forced to pay for everything. Going on dates is frustrating when you are forced to pay for everything by obligation it becomes expensive and I do not appreciate having to pay for both of us. Especially when I know the girl will likely decide she is not that interested. I don't understand why I should have to do all the asking, put in all the effort and then have to pay for the date too. Sounds like this system works a lot better for the ones who are being pursued.

[CaptainPlanet]

If you ask a woman out on a date, you should pay for that date. It is cheap not to.

 

If I asked a man out on a date, I would pay. I wouldn't even think twice about it.

 

Women rarely ask out men.

 

A date is arragened as both people have decided to spend time together. They should both pay for the time they spend with the other.

[Batya33]

This all sounds good in theory the man paying as a symbolic gesture. With that in mind dating can quickly become expensive if the man is forced to pay for everything. Going on dates is frustrating when you are forced to pay for everything by obligation it becomes expensive and I do not appreciate having to pay for both of us. Especially when I know the girl will likely decide she is not that interested. I don't understand why I should have to do all the asking, put in all the effort and then have to pay for the date too. Sounds like this system works a lot better for the ones who are being pursued.

 

Well, no - if the man does not have enough money, he can arrange for a date at a free museum, a picnic lunch in the park, etc. If the reason he doesn't want to pay because of the risk of it being a one date wonder then honestly, I wouldn't want to date him - I would find that cheap and I wouldn't want to date someone who felt "forced" to pay rather than enjoying the process of asking a woman out, planning something to do (whether free or expensive or in between) and having an enjoyable time.

 

I am talking about one, maybe two dates at most before the woman should be offering to pay her way and/or planning a future date where she will treat for the entire evening.

[servedcold]

Tangential issue, but a very important one. If someone pays for a night out, THANK THEM, thank them at the end of the date, and then send a very brief note the next day. Do this whether it's the first date or the 500th. Have found this easy little ettiquette step missing in most dates for the last TEN years.

 

On topic issue, ladies, don't offer to pay for your part of the first date out of a sense of politeness or obligation and then call the guy cheap if he accepts. This is as bad as a guy wearing a woman down for sex then calling her a skank when she finally gives in. I've never accepted an offer to pay for dates 1-3, but if I ever did, making an assumption about my overall level of generosity because of it would be a huge mistake.