just met this guy need advice...

[everythingchanges456]

ok i need honest advice...i am newly back on the dating scene...

 

i went out thursday night with some friends....we spent most of the time at the bar with friends of a friend of mine. one of the guys i could tell was noticing me all night...he eventually came over to try to talk but it took him a bit to get up the nerve and i kind of played it like i didn't notice. i tried to pay attention to everyone. when we did finally talk i really liked him though i think because he's so good looking he's used to getting who and what he wants though he said it was the opposite. i did bust his chops alot while we were talking about being a player and being convinced he was a player and used to women chasing him. before he left he said i will give you my number and the ball is in your court if you want to call...i said you can give me your number but i'll give you mine and you can call me.

 

so that was late thursday night (friday mornig ha) i wanted to call/text right away but tried not too. friday came and went and no word. i was confused if the rule of thumb is to wait for the guy to call you but by 5 pm today i couldnt take it anymore (saturday) so i text him hello and then an hour later when he didn't text back i thought maybe he didn't have text so i called and left a voice mail saying hi and to call. he called chated with me for about 15 minutes tho he was out at a male friend stopped to talk to him and he asked me to hold for a second and i listened to their convo for a good 5 minutes before he came back to the line. then we were chatting some more and he said he'd call right back (he had arrived at his family's house and had to go help them carry stuff into the house tho i didn't find this out till he called back an hour later). when he called back we spoke for about 5 minutes tho i felt pretty boring because he had all these interesting things he had been up to and my day and night were pretty uneventful to speak of lol so i didn't have exciting things to add.

 

i told him i would like to see him again. he said ok that would be cool we'll have to do that one night. then he said even though you talked a lot of sh** the other nigh...(which i didn't think i did but maybe i did?) he said that he knew i was just going along with everyone playing around and also had been drinking so it's okay (what?) he said it nicely but i honestly don't know him well enough to know if he was kidding or what he meant by that. he said it obviously didn't bother him or he wouldn't have wanted to have my number or something like that. then said he was going to a fishing trip tomorrow and would call me later in the week to go for a cocktail and i can pick the place. i asked what he was doing tonight he said going to his friends to drop some stuff off and then home to pack and back to his parents to see his family off that is visting in the morning before he leaves for his trip.

 

i got off the phone (honestly i really wanted him to ask me out tonight or to his house or something....i've been single for 6 months now and i'm wanting some attention plus i was really attracted to this guy!) i text him about 15 min later saying sorry if i gave u a lot of sh** the other nite but if i did it was only because u made me nervous and cuz every time u said wanna make out (he kept saying that jokingly all night) i wanted to scream yes! so for the record yes!

 

he didn't text back and i've spend the whole night wanting to call/text again cuz i wanted to convice him to see me tonight but i didn't cuz my brother called and told me that it would scare him off. i'm truly just anxious to see him and not used to how all of this works...i've been in a relationship for a long time and i'm newly single.

 

what to do next..................(ps i believe he didn't call me cuz i apparently gave him the impression that night that i wasn't interested...his saying on the phone to me that i gave him a lot of sh** the other night only confirms that to me)

[everythingchanges456]

thanks...i just wonder why if he was interested he wouldn't have called me first...but ok maybe he wasn't sure based on my behavior that night if i was truly interested. but on the phone i said i wanted to see him again and he said cool we'll have to do that one night...and my feeling on that was...why the heck didn't he make a plan with me then and there if he was truly interested

[DN]

Well, you played off at first that you were not interested and then you accused him of being a player and pretty much let him know that you distrusted his intentions which, to be honest, is fairly insulting.

 

So it's no wonder that he didn't call you - he must have been quite surprised when you called and was puzzled why you did.

 

In my opinion you've got off on the wrong foot with this guy and need to show him that you are interested without making him wonder why.

[everythingchanges456]

thanks again. he must have been interested to talk to me if he called back. tho he didn't respond to my text that i sent after we hung up (hope that wasn't coming on too strong). i just didn't like that his answer to hanging out was sounds cool even though you gave me alot of the other night...we can go out "sometime"

[everythingchanges456]

i sat at the bar and talked with him and flirted with him for a good 30 minutes and he bought me a drink. granted we would both walk away for one reason or another when we first struck up convo but the last 30 min before he left it was strickly us talking and i definitely flirted and showed interest. i did tell him that he struck me as a player.

 

so i called him...hopefully if he doubted my interest in him ... now he doesn't. then after he called back and left it that he'd get in touch with me in the future to get together for a drink...i hung up and text him 10 min later with what i said above about if i gave him sh** it was because he made me nervouse and that i wanted to scream yes everytime he asked me to make out so either now i seem annoying or i've let him know i'm interested...depends on his personality

 

i have this urge to contact him again but am wondering at this point if i should leave the ball in his court

[everythingchanges456]

i really want to text again but maybe seeing as tho i text at 430, called and left message at 530...he called me back at 630....had to hang up and called me back at 730 said he'd be in touch and i instead of letting it be text at 8:00...and he didn't respond...maybe now i should wait or can i text him tomorrow or is this annoying...we are in our 30's not teenagers tho i feel like one right now!

[Batya33]

You sound overeager about someone you have only met once in a bar with alcohol involved. It's a typical situation and very often nothing comes of it. You've already called him once, leave the ball in his court. I also agree with DN but I don't think you should call him again. also confusing why you would want him to call you and be "traditional" but you want to be invited to his house when you only met him once. If what you really want is a quick hook up, who cares if he's a player?

[everythingchanges456]

you are so on point with that batya...i laughed at myself with that one too...thing is i'm traditional in many ways and think he has the potential to be a very good catch at the same time...i am 6 months out of a long term relationship and a hook up is def what was on my mind tonight...with potential for the future great but i wasn't really thing ahead...just anxious because i was really attracted to him.

i will try to be strong and patient.

[kaoticbaby]

you do sound a little like a teenager right now, lol. but not in a bad way. i think you're getting just a little overexcited though. you let him know he should call you again, and then you texted him. it is definitely his turn to make contact now, so just wait it out. i would give it a few days if he doesn't call, and then maybe send him another text to say "hey.. whats up." if you don't get an answer, don't keep texting.

[everythingchanges456]

I didn't try to contact him again last night. Although, I just don't understand why it matters if I want to call him...why do I have to follow rules in dating. I find this all so frustrating not having had to do it for the last 8 years. Yes, admitedly last night I was looking more for one thing...who can blame me it's been a lonely few months in that arena. I can certainly do things to occupy my mind but I really wanted to call this guy again (who is headed out of twon for the next few days so I won't be able to see him anyway) to chat, to tell him I apologize for any sh** talking I may have done that made him uncomfortable and remind him that I really am very interested in seeing him again, to talk about when we can get together or to talk about the weather. I suppose I don't understand how people don't want to see eachother as soon as possible if they were attracted and only met briefly....that's where I sit...I want to pick up where we left off.

 

For the record...I am not some unattractive loser jumping at the first guy who gives me attention. Men give me attention regularly...it's this guy who's really interested me.

 

Thanks to everyone for advice.

[Batya33]

Many many people meet in bars, are attracted to each other and never are in contact again - many reasons - either on reflection they realize there is not much in common, perhaps he didn't like the way you seem to use swear words pretty often (at least in your writing), maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe he met someone else the next night - who knows. I am very surprised that you would be at all surprised that some guy you met at a bar and lusted after didn't call you - I would never expect a man I met at a bar to call (particularly if I referred to him as a player - that would make him wonder whether I had baggage/negative attitudes). Even if you had been perfectly sweet to him still - no expectations whatsoever that a man you meet at a bar will ever call. Just my opinion.

 

You don't have to follow rules in dating. In my experience (20 years of dating or so, several serious relationships) in general it is not effective, if you want a long term relationship, to do more of the calling in the beginning stages. That behavior might be flattering to a man or it might spark his interest in a fling or a few dates, but in general men choose for a long term relationship women where they do more of the calling, asking and planning in the beginning stages. And, certainly, I would think, with exceptions, that calling a man and trying to get invited to his house on the first "date" likely gives the impression that you want a fling, not a relationship.

 

So, no, no "rules" but certain behaviors are more likely to lead to a serious relationship where you are treated with respect and like a lady than others.

[everythingchanges456]

I am quoting his words when I've said in each post "talking sh**" I do not swear...I am someone that friends will stop in their tracks if they hear a curse come from my mouth because i am so proper and so polite. I know one can't know that about me based on a computer entry.

 

I understand...I am definitely a control freak. I think that's why I'm struggling right now. I hate not feeling in control. Sitting waiting for a man to call me when I want to talk to him...is not a comfortable feeling.

[everythingchanges456]

PS I met him at a professional function....a social gathering for people who work in the same field. It happened to be at a bar.

[Batya33]

I agree it is not comfortable to wait for a call. Been there done that many times sometimes with the help of Sarah Mclachlan music. But, the waiting has always been worth it because the men I date are the type of men who are either a little or a lot "traditional" and enjoy courting a lady - enjoy that role of doing more of the calling, planning and asking in the beginning - and even if they were used to women taking that role, if they were sincerely interested in me then they were more than fine with taking that role. I've met many men who are flattered by a woman doing more of the calling but I don't know any of those men who actually choose that woman for a serious relationship.

 

And - as far as being a professional - sure, in our work we don't let a man do more of the calling in professional situations - and I have been in a professional career for over a dozen years and still even though men know that about me fairly early on (especially if we meet through work) they stil prefer to have the "courting" role at least early on.

 

As far as your language - I never said that you did swear a lot I simply suggested that "if" you did that might have been a turn off. Frankly, if a man who wanted to date me used that type of language as you describe more than once when he first met me, I'd be turned off and I would be concerned about having him around my family and friends.

 

If you do want to date, then, until "things" change yes, there is some waiting involved and there are risks and you need to keep your expectations reasonable and under control. Perhaps some day it will be effective for a woman to do as much or more of the calling or asking. I would have no problem stepping up to the plate and asking men out if that were effective - I've done it.

 

One way to stop "waiting" is to make sure you lead a busy, fulfilling life. I know you miss having sex but my guess is that having casual sex with someone you picked up at a bar wouldn't really solve the "loneliness" problem. What might is for you to get involved in things you like to do and get out there and meet people (friends i mean).

 

good luck.

[everythingchanges456]

so to the men out there...if he called me back last night and we left it that he'd call me sometime to go out for a drink...it would be a turn off if i called him today on his ride to his out of town trip to say hello?

[Batya33]

From my experience it is a turn off to hear from someone new in my life less than a day after I told the person I would call him or her if I wanted to meet for a drink, unless that person has some sort of crisis or just has a quick question to ask me that can't wait or that can't be asked of someone else. Even in a platonic context I would find it a bit needy/clingy and crowding. In a dating context it has tipped the scales where I wasn't sure I wanted to see the person again - if he didn't give me a chance to call him back, it might change my "might be interested" into "red flag - if he's this eager/clingy now it can only get worse."

 

 

sorry - not a guy but I don't think this is a gender-specific question.

[volpe]

I personally am concerned that he got off the phone to talk for five minutes with his friend while you were left hanging on the line. After two minutes max you should have hung up and let you call back. I had a guy do that once to me and I just put him on speaker phone while I did something else but in retrospect it was sort of a test to see how much crap I'd put up with...

[Batya33]

I personally am concerned that he got off the phone to talk for five minutes with his friend while you were left hanging on the line. After two minutes max you should have hung up and let you call back. I had a guy do that once to me and I just put him on speaker phone while I did something else but in retrospect it was sort of a test to see how much crap I'd put up with...

 

Yes, I agree I do not like when people put me on hold for that long to chat with a friend.

[kaoticbaby]

i wasn't saying you should follow any "rules" by not calling him... i was just pointing out that calling him again and again, even after he doesn't answer, just seems a little like you're trying too hard. You don't want to build this guy up in your head too much, because that is what leads to disappointment.

[ghost69]

call him closer to the end of the week if you don't hear from him. say, 'hey this new bar is open. want to go.' or 'going out with friends, want to meet up?'

[everythingchanges456]

Thank you everyone for the advice! : )

[everythingchanges456]

yes, it bothered me to...thinking...this is our FIRST phone conversation and i know you're out but to make me wait while you carry on a conversation without even saying to the person ... i'm on the phone was not cool. then to say when i was mid sentence i little while later...i'm sorry can i call you right back? and call an hour later to say that you had pulled up to your mom's and the family was carrying the visiting guests bags in and you didn't want to be rude and not help...that i see but he should have said...i'm sorry to cut you off but i just got to my mom's and they need help carrying some things can i call you back and then when he called back said...what were you saying now i'm sorry. ooh now i'm a lil put off....

[everythingchanges456]

I personally am concerned that he got off the phone to talk for five minutes with his friend while you were left hanging on the line. After two minutes max you should have hung up and let you call back. I had a guy do that once to me and I just put him on speaker phone while I did something else but in retrospect it was sort of a test to see how much crap I'd put up with...

 

so do you think i somehow put out a bad message by holding?

[lelou]

You are reading into everything and judging yourself too harshly (I do this as well). We're human, and if he judges you for sitting there while he put you on hold (which he did), then that isn't too special of a guy. But I doubt he judged you or even thought twice about it.

 

Hopefully he will make contact, which is likely since he already has talked with you on the phone. But if he doesn't this early in the game, you can't take it personally. I doubt it was anything you said. His loss.

[everythingchanges456]

Ok so it's Wednesday...although, he did tell me when we spoke on Saturday (the only time we've spoken) that he was going to be away for a competition this week...no word yet. Thought of calling tonight just to show interest..since I feel like even though I am normally very flirtatious...being newly single and out of my element I may have sent him mixed signals when we met last week(?). To call...to wait and see