Anatomy of an Approach

[dtm123]

I've been reading on here the past few weeks a lot of threads about approaching people in the real world - when to approach, where to approach, how to get approached more, etc., - and it dawned on me that I hadn't been participating in this game at all. I've been single and dating again for a couple years now, and most all dating I've done has originated online. I mean, I will approach a woman at a bar or a concert or whatever, someplace that's social and singles oriented. But in the real, everyday world, pretty much never.

 

A couple of real world places mentioned here are the gym and the grocery store, but I haven't picked up a woman at the gym since high school, and had never approached a woman at a grocery store. Part of this is because I'm a tad picky on looks and vibe, but the bigger part is that I really really don't like the idea of bothering someone who's minding her own business, getting things done, living her life. So I've always looked for a significant show of interest that an approach was wanted, which seldom happens at the gym, and never anywhere else, at least not with women I find attractive.

 

But when I went grocery shopping yesterday evening, everything I'd read here had me open to the idea of approaching. I noticed a woman here and there in the right age range, who were single, but didn't find them attractive enough. Did see one very pretty Hispanic woman pass by, but she had a ring on, wasn't exactly my type anyway. A little later I noticed this woman shopping with her little girl. The woman was short and kinda curvy, long straight black hair with nice skin. Dressed in a red t-shirt and shorts like maybe she'd gotten back from the gym. She definitely had my attention. And no ring!

 

So I scooted around an aisle, and tried to get my head straight on what to do. She seemed to be going around the store in a leisurely fashion, so I knew as long as I stayed a little ahead of her or behind her, I could figure out a way to strike up a conversation. My attention to shopping was shot now, couldn't remember why I was even there. At that point, I knew that if I didn't talk to this woman, it was pure cowardice, because I was so interested. I don't have a tough time talking to women, but the idea of bothering her, especially with her kid in tow, had me nervous. I just told myself that if she isn't interested, at least she'll get a little ego boost, which is a nice enough thing to give someone.

 

I caught up with her and noticed her shirt had some words on it, which her hair had covered up, so I made some sort of comment that it would bother me if I never found out what the shirt said. I then chatted her up a bit, trying to bring her daughter into the conversation a couple times too. I noticed the woman blushed which I felt was a good sign, and she asked me a question too, instead of just cutting me off. When the moment came, she didn't give me her number, but put mine in her phone.

 

Will she call? Neh, probably not. We had crossed paths a couple times, and if she had been on the prowl and wanted to make eyes, she had a chance. My guess is that she has a boyfriend, but not one stellar enough to mention to me. If he does something stupid in the next two weeks I might get a call, otherwise it won't happen.

 

Even still, it felt great getting out of my comfort zone and stretching a bit.

[darkpumpkin]

Good for you. Even when it doesn't work out still feels great to know you did it!!

[segagirl]

I agree that you have to reach out beyond your normal boundaries to meet people. To me however that means making sure you accept invitations from friends and co workers for every event you can think of.... and make sure your friends know you are looking.

 

To be honest though, I would not be at all happy if some guy hit on me at the grocery store or gym, cute or not. (this is why we women now have our own gyms). You see...many women get hit on all the darn time and we get a little sick of it! I am just a average cute girl and for heavens sake I would like a moment, a place where I am left alone.

 

So its great to reach out beyond your normal boundaries, but try and remember that though you want to find someone, it does not mean you can reach accross the isle and interrupt our focus on cheese. I wonder...is this book your reading written by a man or a women?

 

anyway, thats just my two cents...I'm sure other women feel quite differently.

[dtm123]

So its great to reach out beyond your normal boundaries, but try and remember that though you want to find someone, it does not mean you can reach accross the isle and interrupt our focus on cheese. I wonder...is this book your reading written by a man or a women?

 

No book involved, I'm talking about threads I've read here.

 

My empathy for women who feel the way you do has led to my inaction in the past. I am beginning to admit it hasn't served me well. I so seldom see women I really feel driven to talk to, I need to be prepared to do so in every circumstance.

[galaxy71]

Let's see. Guys are not supposed to approach women in bars because it's rude to interrupt a woman when she is talking to her friend. Guys are not supposed to approach women in stores because she is trying to get her shopping done. They are not supposed to approach women in a gym because she is trying to get her workout done. Let's go even further. They are not supposed to approach women in bible study groups because these women want to deepen their relationship with God without any male interference. Cross out classrooms. Women want to get a good grade without getting distracted by some guy.

 

People meet their significant others all the time in venues other than online personals and parties. Ideally, people should socialize in venues where people are expected to socialize. However women date guys they meet in unlikely venues when the guy does a good job of approaching and attracting her.

 

The reason why guys hit on s all the time is the fact that women don't approach men. If we don't approach women, we become lonely and single. Some guys don't get a lot of opportunites to meet women. Why are you criticize guys for being guys? Heterosexual guys want to date hot, attractive women.

[Leonhart]

Guys are not supposed to approach women in stores because she is trying to get her shopping done. Let's go even further. They are not supposed to approach women in bible study groups because these women want to deepen their relationship with God without any male interference. Cross out classrooms. Women want to get a good grade without getting distracted by some guy.

 

If that is true, I'm royally screwed! Because I don't go to bars or clubs. The only places I go on a regular basis are church, school and out to stores and whatnot. If I can't approach there, then I'm definitely screwed.

 

Might as well resign myself to a lifetime of solitude and loneliness now, since it's over. lol

[Clarity]

Women say they have their own gyms because they don't want to be hit on, but I'm always skeptical of that. My gym, for instance, has a co-ed section and a women's only section. Without fail, the more attractive women work out in the co-ed section and the women who nobody would look twice at flock to the women's only section. I think women's only gyms are great, but I think they're more for women intimidated by a co-ed gym than for women getting away from some supposed negative attention, which I rarely or never see happen, in the coed section...

[JadedStar]

I caught up with her and noticed her shirt had some words on it, which her hair had covered up, so I made some sort of comment that it would bother me if I never found out what the shirt said. I then chatted her up a bit, trying to bring her daughter into the conversation a couple times too. I noticed the woman blushed which I felt was a good sign, and she asked me a question too, instead of just cutting me off. When the moment came, she didn't give me her number, but put mine in her phone.

 

Todd, I think your approach was fabulous. That is the kind of approach, IMHO, a woman would appreciate. Saying "i need to know what that says on your shirt"...umm i think that was brilliant even tho it sounds so simple. What a terrific, non sexual, not threatening way to start up a conversation. And women are not stupid, they know if you are going out of your way to chat like that, that you are probably interested in them to even make the effort to speak to them, but you did it in a subtle way that doesn't crash the boundaries so many women have of not wanting smoe sleazy sexual inuendo hoisted upon her. If I were picking up a guy I would do something similar. Start off with something that would just get the convo rolling....but Todd you are a natural with humor so I am sure that helps you...

 

See that is the problem with guys...most want to have this savvy pick up line that sometimes starts with hey baby but that isn't it. It is normal everyday things that has HUMOR to it.

 

Personally, that kind of approach would have worked for me. I think that was right on target. So what if she doesn't call...that is the way to work it. I think.

 

And I am a female so maybe I don't represent the whole population but i am sure there are plenty that think along these lines.

 

Heck if i were that woman in the store I'd be calling you back!! LOL

[galaxy71]

I find your phrase "we get a little of sick of it!" to be rude and offensive. It takes a lot of guys a lot of courage to approach someone outside of their social circle. On the one hand, we are expected to approach women. On the other hand, there is a strong pressure not to embarrass ourselves in front of other people for fear of getting ostracized. Women date guys outside of their social circle all the time because the guy approached her correctly and confidently. The reason why a lot of guys are shy around girls is the fact that they are extremely preoccupied with how other people feel around them. I hope that you become a little more sensitive about the fact that there are a lot of shy, unconfident, sensitive guys out there who might read your post and use it as a excuse to not go outside of their comfort zone for fear of making some woman feel uncomfortable.

 

I also don't understand why you can't give guys constructive advice about how a guy could approach you in a way that is attractive and confident. The only thing you do is criticize guys for doing something that they are expected to do-namely approaching women.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

That's cool.

 

Grocery stores are awesome, because EVERYONE goes to grocery stores-- you'll find all types of people there. I love going to the supermarket after 5pm, cuz that's when all the men are there haha

[segagirl]

I think you're being a bit dramatic to be honest...and you take everything to the extreme in your comment. And if women are telling you DON'T all the time, then geez you all might want to listen and think of something new. I also said all women are different!!! The reality is most women do in fact approach these days...if they are not approaching you, then you might want to ask why?

 

"let guys be guys" does nothing for me other than make me roll my eyes...Since when is it your duty or roll? Did we sit down in a large group and say ...hey men...this is your job? Oh no. But when we try and tell you any of this....many do just what you did. panic, attack, whine.

[segagirl]

No book involved, I'm talking about threads I've read here.

 

My empathy for women who feel the way you do has led to my inaction in the past. I am beginning to admit it hasn't served me well. I so seldom see women I really feel driven to talk to, I need to be prepared to do so in every circumstance.

 

I really do like the concept ....be prepared in any circumstance....sorta get ourselves psyched up for when a moment really does strike!

[dtm123]

Todd, I think your approach was fabulous. That is the kind of approach, IMHO, a woman would appreciate.

 

Thank you for the kind words. It did go well, considering she hadn't looked at me apparently, and I was going in cold.

 

Still, I'm pretty sure I won't hear from her, but it was a nice experience. Somehow it felt more authentic than hitting on a woman at a bar.

[galaxy71]

Segagrl, I am going to ask that you not make disrespectful comments about my character. My posts are directed toward your comments, not you as a person. You are entitled to prefer getting approached through your social network rather than getting cold-approched, but I just found your comments about women-only gyms and "get sick" of getting approached to be offensive and ungrateful. When I was extremely shy, I didn't approach a lot of women because I did not want to make them feel uncomfortable. Eventually I started breaking out of my shell by talking to people whether they were in my social circle or not. Telling guys about women-only gyms will only discourage guys from going outside of their comfort zone and developing their conversational skills A lot of women find it flattering when guys have the courage to approach them as long as the guy approaches them in a respectful and competent way.

[JadedStar]

I find your phrase "we get a little of sick of it!" to be rude and offensive. It takes a lot of guys a lot of courage to approach someone outside of their social circle. On the one hand, we are expected to approach women. On the other hand, there is a strong pressure not to embarrass ourselves in front of other people for fear of getting ostracized

 

I agree and I am a female. I wouldn't get annoyed if the approach was not sleazy. Even if i were not interested I'd be polite and courteous. It can be a daunting thing on guys to always be the one to make the moves and approach so I would never be hard on a person. But I am the type of person who always tries to see everyone's point of view, including guys. I put myself in their shoes and think about it and yeah it must be hard. I admit I don't think I'd like to have the task of always being the one to approach. Rejection can feel hard that is why I am always courteous to a man who approached me (again, if he were not being sleazy about it).

 

For the record, I would not have been annoyed by the grocery store exchange. It would have been flattering.

[Tealc]

The reality is most women do in fact approach these days...

 

Uhh... don't think I got that memo. Nor have the many girls who have given me looks over the past couple of years. Or any of the posters on the shyness subforum.

[dtm123]

Uhh... don't think I got that memo. Nor have the many girls who have given me looks over the past couple of years. Or any of the posters on the shyness subforum.

 

I didn't get it either, email or hard copy. When women say this, I really don't know what they are talking about. I know guys who date around a whole lot, and none of their stories ever start with, "Hey this chic came up to me at the mall..."

 

I could see women doing the approaching at a house party or whatever. Where you are walking like four steps to meet someone your friends already know. Granted, online they will approach. I get hit up on MySpace, and about once a quarter, it's even someone cute and/or clever enough to talk to.

[segagirl]

Um, Character remarks? I'll just leave that alone and just say you still are not hearing a word I actually said....prob better that way thought. Best of Luck to you.

[segagirl]

I didn't get it either, email or hard copy. When women say this, I really don't know what they are talking about. I know guys who date around a whole lot, and none of their stories ever start with, "Hey this chic came up to me at the mall..."

 

I could see women doing the approaching at a house party or whatever. Where you are walking like four steps to meet someone your friends already know. Granted, online they will approach. I get hit up on MySpace, and about once a quarter, it's even someone cute and/or clever enough to talk to.

 

This was from my own little shell of a world, like you, I cannot speak for women as a whole. I can assure you from my little world in NY, women say these things all the time. If a women really wants it, she will go for it. I have the memo here somewhere.....humm.....yes here it is!! Ok, I will send it right along! I am not saying men cannot, but this may be why on so many occasions you get no response...we get sick of being asked sometimes so try not to take it personally!

[desert_rose26]

I just want to add that the opening line was very great.

 

Also, reading about how you guys approach a lot of women in different places is interesting. But I wonder why I have only been approached once (at work) so it probably doesn't even count. I guess I should put more time into my appearance? this supermarket story is very inspiring! lol I might want to dare myself to try it next time (after 5pm) lol.

 

So guys, what does a girl have to do to be approached? In your story, the girl didn't give you any signals before you approached her right?

 

What's really bugging me these days is that here and there guys in public will look at my face for a few seconds. Does that mean anything? I remember something recently when a guy holding his gaze with me while he was walking until he couldn't see me anymore because of a wall. Outside the mall washroom this hot guy was walking towards the washroom when I was walking out. After he walked past me he turned around looking at me....but I hid behind a wall. Darn. I should've smiled. I am very shy so it's hard. Maybe I should've said something like "do I have something on my back?" and started convo.

 

Anyways, guys do look at me but I don't get approached. I should really try to be approachable (that's why I have a thread).

[dtm123]

So guys, what does a girl have to do to be approached? In your story, the girl didn't give you any signals before you approached her right?

 

My guess is that it's different for different men. The line some guys probably draw is 'doable', haha, if they would enjoy sex with her, they move in. Other guys might just go for the hottest women within a given environment.

 

Personally, I go for type. This woman had the looks (height, shape, long hair, nice skin), vibe (casual, in gym clothes, not rushed), and lifestyle (single parent, compatible age) that appealed to me.

 

She wasn't perfection, but I would definitely have spent a little time and money getting to know her better.

 

Btw, "Do I have something on my back?" - that's a sexy line!

[txblues]

well speaking as a shy guy with no circle of friends or a social life, you could go out by yourself. walking at the mall and approaching could be a little embarrassing especially when there are alot of people around to hear what corny pickup lines i might use...so i've never approached someone who was just walking by eventhough we made eye contact; otherwise everyone would all laugh at how i was shot down and crashed and burned. you could try eating in the food court alone, make eye contact, smile. i would never approach a group of girls for fear of interrupting her and making a fool of myself in front of a whole group. maybe by the time i finish my meal i could come up with some clever line like "hello how are you *crickets*" and approach a girl sitting by herself.

 

if you go to a bar or club, hangout by yourself at the bar time to time. someone would surely offer a drink or strike up a conversation. or hangout next to the dance floor people watching. or if you don't mind some strange sweaty guy grinding on you, you can get out there and dance.

 

i remember one time i was waiting in a barber shop during my college years, when i was bored, lonely, depressed and borderline suicidal, i was reading a newspaper and read something funny enough to put a big smile on my face and brighten my day, as soon as a read it and smiled i looked up and locked eyes with an attractive female walking by. i looked down out of embarrasment, then up again and she was still watching me with my goofy smile, until she passed me and turned her head straight. i thought what could i do? what would i say?

 

and i remember another funny college food court moment. being 23/24 it was bugging me and eating at me that i had never approached a girl. i was seriously stricken with fear. i read techniques to overcome this was just to go up say a comment and keep walking..like your shoes are untied...well i was in the food court saw a single girl studying alone. no one else was around. i thought here's my chance. i would give it the one comment line and keep walking. so i walked up to her, asked her "mind if i join you?" ok she said and started moving her books aside, then i said "sorry" and kept walking, exiting the door behind her and never looking back; it felt clumsy, foolish, embarrassing, but somewhat liberating. maybe its kind of wrong to get her hopes up like that, but i didn't have the social skills to sit and carry on a conversation, and i still don't.

[Gath]

If I'm attracted to a gal, and the timing is right, I'll attempt an approach. What have I got to lose? Most guys will want a little encouragement, so a smile will usually bring the plane in for an attempted landing. And there is nothing wrong with a gal breaking the ice! Especially with an open smile, its like turning the lights on at the runway. And its kinda hard to flirt with someone who hides behind a wall, you know.

 

Something I read on here once by another gal, was that us guys are a sucker for meeting our eyes, then you smile and look down for a moment, then back up. Some kind of subconscious lure that tends to reel us in. . . . I know it works on me.

[yellow_sweater]

GOOD FOR YOU! And you chose a really creative, non-threatening, non-skeevy way to approach her. Regardless of whether she was attracted to you or whether she has a boyfriend, I suspect that you probably made her day.

 

Nicely done.

[dtm123]

Sorry to hear you have such a tough time.

 

I don't know how to help you exactly, but would just say try to not place so much importance on any one conversation. It's just a stranger who looks nice, she could be completely dull or vain or anything else, it's not at all the end of the world if this one woman doesn't like you.