My wife and her ex

[slightlyjealousguyswife]

Yes, I am the wife in question, although to some people aka scarlet woman. I am quite scared by some of the extreme emotions I seem to have stirred up. Iceman is particularly frightening.

 

Here's my side of things, although it's hard to know where to begin.

 

I was 16 when I first met the guy in question - I'll call him John - not his real name (forgive me for not using 'forum' abbreviations, acronyms, etc. but I'm not a regular forum user), having been an extremely shy and overweight wallflower with specs for my early teens. At 16 I lost weight and got contact lenses and suddenly realised that boys took notice, John being one of them. He was 21 months older than me. We became friends for a year or so - by this I mean we'd chat at parties and in town during school lunch break (we were at different schools). I was still quite shy and maybe naive but I knew he 'fancied' me. I was quite scared of having a bf but also excited. He asked me out eventually when I was 17, and we were 'together' for 3 and a half weeks. He 'dumped' me because (he said) I lived too far away (neither of us drove) and we didn't see each other very much. He stated seeing someone else soon after that then someone else soon after that. I was quite upset as he was my 'first bf' and it had lasted less than a month. I felt a bit of a failure. We had not slept with each other and I wondered whether that had anything to do with it, although he never made any sexual advances during this time. I was quite academically bright and had just got a place at one of the UK's most prestigious universities, and he said he felt a bit 'in awe', but I guess that was a bit of bulls**t.

Anyway, he made it quite clear he wanted to stay friends, continuing to have coffee if we bumped into each other (never pre-arranged) and chatting to me, lending me records (those vinyl things with a hole in the middle) and helping me organise my 18th birthday party, and I thought there might be a chance we'd get back together but realised he had lots of friends and genuinely liked staying friends with people (including exes), in a 'no hard feelings' sort of way (this is how it appeared to me at this time - I do not profess to know now or then what he was really feeling).

I went away to uni and at the Easter break (end of 2nd term) bumped into him in a night club. By now I was pretty confident, had had one fairly short-lived boyfriend (4 months) and a few flings and was quite cool and glamorous. I had decided by now that it didn't 'do' to appear to be after a 'serious boyfriend', and I was good at playing the cool and aloof game. He was obviously impressed by this and by the end of the evening we had arranged for him to come and stay the weekend with me at my university.

 

This is what he did and we did sleep together, with me being all cool about it and very much trying to give him the impression that I had lots of male 'friends' in the dodgy sense of the word and this was no big deal (I was in fact not promiscuous at all but felt, in a naive and stupid way that since everyone else who was 'cool' seemed to be, this is how I should appear. Anyway, he said he'd like to see me again as my bf, but I said he lived too far away, but if he liked he could come again as my partner at the college ball.

 

He visited me again 2 or 3 weeks later and we went to the ball and he stayed one night. He appeared more distant this time. He had had a death in the family the week before - this may have explained it, I don't know. Anyway, he left the following day and I never heard from him again. Until...

 

OMG this is getting far too long and way too detailed, but I feel it's important to tell it like I see it. I met my dh (i.e. OP) 10.5 years later. In the intervening years I had had 2 serious relationships (which ended badly due to me being ill and they not being able to hack it)) and 1 less serious but reasonably signifcant relationship. dh was a breath of fresh air and i couldn't believe my luck - by far the best looking for starters, a few years younger, and we hit it off so well. We got married 19 months after meeting and had children 6 years later. We have been married for just over 9 years. I love him so much and I really believe I would never EVER be unfaithful (by this I mean kissing someone as in snogging or having a sexual encounter) to him. However, as I have got to know him over the years, I have realised he has a 'problem' (maybe it's not a problem but an 'issue') with jealousy, verging on paranoia, which seems to make him torment himself with imagining 'worst case scenarios'. For instance, not long after we'd got together I had a meeting late one afternoon with a tutor (I was writing a paper for publication) and was late home. He was absolutely furious with me and accused me of having an affair with this guy (twice my age, balding etc.). Madness. Then, one evening I invited the 'less serious relationship bf' (who had remained a good friend during a subsequent serious relationship) over for dinner with me and OP. As he mentioned in one of his posts, he instantly couldn't stand him and nearly split up with me there and then over it. When we later got married, I raised the possibility of inviting this guy to our wedding and he said if I did then the wedding was off. I have not had any communication with this guy since as I know OP hates him with a vengeance, but I sometimes feel a bit bitter that he made me give up a good friend. I went on holiday with a girlfriend and he assumed I was up to no good with some local Lothario.

 

Anyway, this was all early on in our relationship and I believe OP has come to trust me as much as I do him. Incidentally, he has barely ever discussed with me his previous gf(s), and has not one single photo of any of them. When I ask him he says he doesn't want to rake up the past as what's the point. I on the other hand quite like talking about my past (including old bfs) - I don't feel I have anything to hide and also I want to share things with him.

 

I was amazed to read tiredofvampires' 2 types of men. Type 1 is OP to a tee, Type 2 is John to another tee.

 

To the present. I received an email out of the blue from John earlier this year, saying hello and wasn't it a small world that his family had a connection with my workplace, and also that he lives near me (which is far away from where we both grew up). I was very surprised, and we corresponded a few times. He found me through a school reunion website, and incidentally, not one of his other ex gfs is listed on there so I'd be surprised if he'd 'targetted' all his exes. He said if I was ever in his area (not that far away - certainly not the 45 min drive OP said - it took 28 mins in slow traffic) then we should go for a coffee.

 

Yes, I was curious. He'd sent me a few photos of him and his family, plus he seemed to be involved in a lot of interesting things, and I wanted to see him face to face for a chat. I had many rows with OP, which ended with him saying I might as well go as I had already betrayed him by the very fact of wanting to go! I said I wouldn't, but he called himself an idiot and said 'go', so I did. I knew he didn't really want me to bit I really did not think he would get so utterly mad at me about it. I didn't think it would be quite right if he came with me for the 1st meeting but I certainly wanted him to meet him soon if we hit it off.

 

Anyway, I met the guy and it was nice. We spent 2.5 hours over a few coffees. I met some of his work colleagues. We talked about our families. He said I hadn't changed. He had changed a bit. I didn't find him physically attractive but I did feel very at ease with him and thought 'it would be nice to maintain a friendship with this man and I so wish my husband could/would meet him'. There was a connection there, based around talking about old friends and places familiar to both of us. When I left he said 'keep in touch, we could have lunch'.

 

My husband sees all my exes as 'enemies'. He doesn't think women can have male friends in which the male doesn't have a hidden agenda. I do not believe I would feel and act the same if the boot was on the other foot. My husband now says if I see him (i.e. John) again that is the end of us. He is absolutely terrified I am going to have an affair. There is no way I would allow this to happen, and if I did see the guy again (which is not likely unless OP has a brain transplant) and suspected this was his motive that would be the end of our aquaintanceship, absolutely. My husband is now in a horrible place. He checks through my emails, even trying to restore deleted emails when I'm out. He has accused me of tarting myself up to attract men. I feel this whole ex bf thing is a symptom of a deeper issue, and something else will one day take its place. I will do anything for OP - I love him more than I can say and more than he will ever know. If cutting off all ties with John is the only way then it must be done. But I have to admit I will feel resentment that a possible nice friendship has been stopped unnecessarily.

 

OP may be right - that John's got a hidden agenda. He said to me that he believed John's next move was not to contact me, i.e. wait for me to contact him - 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' sort of thing, make her come running etc. Well, I got a short e-mail yesterday saying it was nice to see me and hope I got home safely (we've got bad floods in this country), nothing else.

 

I have not replied.

 

That's more then enough for now.

[tiredofvampires]

I have more to say on this, slightlyjealousguyswife, but for now --

 

I rest my case.

 

I hand it to you to be able to deal with the resentment of these instances where his irrational fear is cutting you off from a part of your life. I do wonder if this will catch up to you. To be continued.

 

I feel for you. The fear, anger and pain you must be experiencing over this. I was there, in so many ways, only not married. I didn't sacrifice the way you did and wish to, for this kind of fear, and I am paying the price. All I wanted was for us to choose our friends as we pleased and not have to defend ourselves and our moral integrity, on prinicple. I lost the love of my life but retained what I felt my rights as an autonomous individual were. He left bitterly, calling me "selfish, selfish, selfish."

 

Talk about a lose-lose situation, really, emotionally.

 

I'm glad you have read through this, welcome to ENA, and please keep checking here. There will be more replies coming your way...

[slightyljealousguy]

Oh well, I'm a Type 1 guy so at least I can't be blamed eh!?. Here's a link removed for anyone who is curious.

[Iceman26]

Iceman is particularly frightening.

 

Of course you would find me frightening, just like you find your husband jealous.

 

What frightens me are people that obsess of and can't let go of the past.

[Rabican]

Of course you would find me frightening, just like you find your husband jealous.

 

What frightens me are people that obsess of and can't let go of the past.

 

Well said well said. If she doesnt agree were jealous, mean, frightening etc. Im guessing Ill be the mean guy.

 

Ok, to Mr Jealous guys' wife

 

I dont think most guys would have a problem with their wives having male friends. however when that 'friend' happens to have previous sexual history with you... that is a roadblock that can be might difficult to get past for some people. you married one such man, and in my opinion that is something that you should recognize, and respect.

jealous, and controlling would be a guy who said you cannot have friends, cannot go out without him, cannot talk to other guys etc. I think drawing the line on not hanging out with a previous sex partner/ ex boyfriend etc. is well within normal boundaries. Furthermore, this "John" doesnt seem to be a guy with whom you have a lot of history to share. I mean, you havent heard from him in 20 years. You can hardly claim that you are losing out on some great best friend.

 

My reply to his email would have been this. Wow its crazy hearing from you after all this time, I hope you have been well. Hows life treating you? Me, well Im married now so its not a good idea for us to be meeting up, but maybe we can keep in touch from time to time.

 

Is it possible for guys and girls to be friends, and just friends... yes. But the more muddled the history between you, the more likely trouble, mistrust, speculation, doubt etc. are to follow. If this was a guy whom you say... used to go to art classes with and had a shared common interest ie Art Im guessing that your JEALOUS HUSBAND would have a different opinion. But the fact that your shared common interest is something between the sheets... well

 

You sound like a smart woman, dont be so naive, and dont be so dismissive of your husbands feelings. You did marry him, so as long as you are in that situation you should do what you can to honor that commitment, and to honor him (within reason).

 

Telling an ex bf that you cant meet in person, but can email back and forth once in a while certainly shouldnt be asking too much from you.

[Rabican]

Oh well, I'm a Type 1 guy so at least I can't be blamed eh!?. Here's a link removed for anyone who is curious.

 

love the picture man, I almost shot milk out of my nose when I saw that.

[Iceman26]

I agree with Rabican, he put things more delicately and concisely than I have.

 

For what it is worth I hope you two are able to work through this.

[tiredofvampires]

slightllyjealousguy (I think you need a new username: veryjealousguy, sorry) --

 

One reason I am putting so much into this thread is because it pains me so much to see someone (your wife) suffering needlessly as I was made to suffer, knowing in my heart that I was being burned at the stake for things that were a figment of my ex's imagination, and HYPOTHETICAL fears that had nothing to do with my personality, my character, but only his OWN BAGGAGE that he refused to part with. I feel if there is only a chance I could help someone rethink the mistakes you are making, and not throw a beautiful thing (your marriage) away. My ex threw out something that could have been the best thing in our lives, feeling justified to the end. IT WAS TRAGIC.

 

I think deep down, you must know that you have a problem. You are not a Neanderthal, you are a Homo Sapiens. "Sapiens" means "wise."

 

You have feelings, and they are coming from somewhere. Your wife has been transparently honest with you. She wants to share her thoughts with you. She loves you and is in TOTAL control of her behavior because she is committed to you.

 

In return, you invade her privacy with checking her e-mail, disrespect her dressing style by telling her that she is "tarting up", you treat her like a child who cannot take care of herself in the face of "sexual predators", you have not trust in her judgment even though you have nothing, no basis to place your mistrust, you have accused her in the past of cheating behavior, and have told her that even WANTING to get together with "John", she has already betrayed you, for her innocent curiosity. She is giving you love and you are giving her angry ultimatums in return.

 

You do not seeing something PROFOUNDLY wrong with this?

 

There is something in your past that is generating this, some prior experience. Only you know what it is, because you have not told your wife candidly about the relationship experiences you have had.

 

I don't mean to blast you, but this is what I learned about Type 1 men, after my jealous ex, relating to what your wife says here:

 

"Anyway, this was all early on in our relationship and I believe OP has come to trust me as much as I do him. Incidentally, he has barely ever discussed with me his previous gf(s), and has not one single photo of any of them. When I ask him he says he doesn't want to rake up the past as what's the point. I on the other hand quite like talking about my past (including old bfs) - I don't feel I have anything to hide and also I want to share things with him."

 

This is exactly, precisely the dynamic I shared with my ex. And here is what I believe underlies this: what you keep in the past can't be held against you. I believe that if we were to examine OP's Method of Operation in his Type 1 male personality, we would find a much more checkered and scarred past than his wife's. He has probably cheated and done some very less-than noble things. Why do I know this? First of all, because he cannot talk about it, it would show him up to be in ways guilty of these very same crimes. THIS IS WHERE HE LEARNED TO THINK AND BE THE WAY HE IS. I could go into this at length, but I believe that based on what I've learned with my ex and his secrecy (my even talking about exes caused terrible arguments and he eventually said he didn't respect me for being so "open"). I am willing to bet that Iceman has done similarly, or else has tried to. All of the people here I am willing to bet who have come down the hardest on the OP's wife have a far more "tainted" background, and have been capable of quite a bit worse than this wifie is -- as I said, because they are now the product of that in the way they think, and think others think. At best, if they didn't cheat themselves, they were cheated on by women who were absolutely poor examples of any sort of moral conduct, and this is the lowest common denominator they are basing their expectations of human behavior on. The reason the wife is so "naive" (another adjective my ex called me to slam me) is because at heart, she could not do these things. At heart, the OP COULD. And that, my friends, is why this is so abysmally unfair and unjust. It is like the old wisdom that "a liar will only see other liars, and thief will only see thieves, a cheat will only see cheats." A hammer will only see nails. GOOD PEOPLE ON THE OTHER HAND ONLY SEE GOOD (I'm not calling you a bad person, OP! -- I am just saying your wife is GOOD), an honest person will show you their hand instead of saying as my ex did during the earliest phase of our courtship, "What does it matter what happened in the past? The past is the past, what matters is, do you want to dance with me?" That was one of the first red flags I saw, it took me aback. I had asked him innocently what had happened to break his heart, and he shot this back with an icy and defensive tone rather than answering openly and calmly. Something must be buried there, something rotten, I thought, but my gut was covered over by my desire to continue to pursue him. OP's wife: you had warnings before you were married, and one thing Iceman is right about, you married this man who did "maddening" things. You probably have a personality that fits very well with a Type 2 man, they are far more accomodating and socially flexible. But that is not the man you married. It is HIS problem in my view, entirely, as you said a very deep issue that goes further than John. It is a demon he has not faced, and you are bearing the brunt of it now. But now it is BOTH your problems, since you are married. It is now for both of you to solve. I suggest very strongly that you go to marriage counseling together, and OP, that you take a very hard look at what is at stake here for you if you don't "sapiens" up. Here is the evidence that you are blinded by your own perceptual distortions:

 

(your wife writes): "OP may be right - that John's got a hidden agenda. He said to me that he believed John's next move was not to contact me, i.e. wait for me to contact him - 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' sort of thing, make her come running etc. Well, I got a short e-mail yesterday saying it was nice to see me and hope I got home safely (we've got bad floods in this country), nothing else."

 

You see, you think you can figure other men out, but you can't. You wrongly pegged John and his motives and projected shenanigans you would imagine doing onto his. "A player only sees another player." I am not saying you act unfaithfully, but that unfaithfulness has warped you at some point in your life. You are living in a world of your own making due to your jealousy, creating things in people that don't exist. I am sure you are a good husband in many ways, but in this way, you have to really start to examine the nature of your own mind, as it is sabotaging this relationship. What you have gotten here in terms of other male validation are the opinions of other men who are equally scarred, burned, convoluded, wounded and variously corrupted by the experiences of their past.

 

This is not how love should feel or be.

 

I hope for both your sakes you work on this within yourself and go with your wife to couples therapy; and OPs wife, maybe you'd like to think about why you are so easily able to overlook "madness" and allow him to cause in you the sense of desperation (i.e., willingness to do "anything", even things you feel are wrong, which you will resent) I sense from your post. There is a power imbalance here that is quite evident. One that I am personally sickeningly familiar with.

 

I wish you both luck.

[slightyljealousguy]

I think drawing the line on not hanging out with a previous sex partner/ ex boyfriend etc. is well within normal boundaries.

Yes, that is exactly it.

 

In most normal married relationships there is a boundary somewhere, and that is where I put it. I still don't think it's unreasonable either.

 

I sincerely believe that I am not 'controlling'. But there have to be boundaries. I agree that it would be nice if I could be completely relaxed about it, and push the boundary further out, but I can't. Maybe I'll be more 'sapien' in the future, who knows.

 

I tolerated the 1st meeting (and I don't believe we argued about it either, although it was discussed), but I draw the line at John becoming a regular friend. It just isn't necessary. There is no strong friendship to be rekindled. Not using my Type 1 definition of friendship anyway.

 

Oh, and the thing about John being a highly desirable, gold dust, Type 2 is complete nonsense. He might be yes, but he could just as easily be a Type 1 neanderthal like me. How the hell can you think you know what someone is really like when you hardly know them? It's fantasy. Any assumption that he is looking for a platonic relationship (given the history), is no more and no less likely than my fear that he is looking for an affair. Neither I, nor my wife know him well enough to know. And given that there is no friendship of any real substance to rekindle, then why bother finding out? You've had your coffee, surely your curiosty is satisfied now? Leave it now ffs.

[slightyljealousguy]

I sense from your post. There is a power imbalance here that is quite evident.

I am certain there is no power imbalance. But I draw the line at hanging out with '2 pump dumps'. If anything the power is in her hands. She can leave it now, curiosity satisfied. But no, if she doesn't see him again there will be 'resentment'.

 

So what do I do? I am in a lose/lose situation:

 

If I say 'No, you can't see him again' then I am made to feel like an neanderthal arsehole, and there will be 'resentment' from her.

 

If I say 'I don't mind, do what you want', then I (or she) is committing me to horrible periods of fear/paranoia/jealousy.

 

And she is in a lose/lose situation too:

 

If I say 'No, you can't see him again' then she misses out on a 'friendship'.

 

If I say 'I don't mind, do what you want', then she has to put up with me behaving like a neanderthal arsehole.

 

I know it's not a clear cut moral decision either way, but on balance I believe I am justified in drawing the line at there being a regular friendship with John.

 

But, wifey and tiredofvampires, ask yourselves this question:

Who is really in control?

 

All I want is a happy marriage. Is that too much to ask?

[Papillion]

But, wifey and tiredofvampires, ask yourselves this question:

Who is really in control?

 

I'll tell you the answer to that one mate. Right now, it's John.

[tiredofvampires]

 

But, wifey and tiredofvampires, ask yourselves this question:

Who is really in control?

 

I'll tell you the answer to that one mate. Right now, it's John.

 

Let me ask you this: who was in control? The President of the United States? Or...Monica Lewinsky?

 

And to break it down even further: who is in control? The cocaine user? Or the line of cocaine?

 

I can tell you that one, it's easy. The line of cocaine.

 

For the person who is overweight? The Haagen Daas did it all to me.

 

The bottle of gin. The heroin needle. The gun. It has nothing to do with ME and MY choices, those things made themselves available and I had nothing to do with their being done.

 

If John has this much power, you better lock your wife at home. Because she has no indepedent thought or ability to move her own body.

[tiredofvampires]

And jealousguy, it seems you deftly skirted all the points I brought up in my post.

 

About YOU.

[tiredofvampires]

I would like to suggest something for you, jealousguy. I'd be interested in the results, too (though I'm sure it won't change either of our minds about your behavior).

 

Why don't you run a poll here? Contact that mods and set up a poll in the main "Relationships" section, where there is more traffic than on this sub-thread.

 

Ask, "Does your relationship allow your SO to have casual in-person contact (e.g., go for coffees and lunches) and/or maintain platnonic friendships with their exes?" Answers are either YES or NO.

 

Of course, if you've seen the polls here, there are the votes and also people can comment on the thread. I think this would be a fantastic poll. Are you in?

 

If you want to refine it further, it might be even better:

 

"Does your relationship with your SO allow eachother to be friends with an ex?" In your post, solicit other comments about whether there is a "statute of limitations" in terms of years past the break-up that influences the license to allow friendship.

 

-- Yes, so long as it's not in person (email and phone only, and very infrequently or rarely)

-- Yes, so long as it's not in person (email and phone only but we use our own judgment, no set rules)

-- Yes, including in person but I must be present at all times

-- Yes, including in person and sometimes it's me present, other times it's okay if they are one-on-one

-- Yes, I don't need to be present but it can't be with them one-on-one, in certain places, at certain times, etc. (there are perameters)

-- Yes, and we do not make rules but trust eachother to make appropriate decisions

-- No, we do not allow eachother to see or hear from, or carry on friendships with exes

-- Other, please specify in your post

[slightyljealousguy]

It's a good idea. Your version has too many options though, and is too complicated. I'll have a think about it.

 

It also needs to state the gender of the voters.

 

Overall I reckon it will be 60/40 in favour of the hobbit

[slightyljealousguy]

For the record, I have never cheated on anyone ever. But I did have a gf with low moral values or however you described it, so yes you are correct in some way.

[Rabican]

slightllyjealousguy (I think you need a new username: veryjealousguy, sorry) --

 

One reason I am putting so much into this thread is because it pains me so much to see someone (your wife) suffering needlessly as I was made to suffer, knowing in my heart that I was being burned at the stake for things that were a figment of my ex's imagination, and HYPOTHETICAL fears that had nothing to do with my personality, my character, but only his OWN BAGGAGE that he refused to part with. I wish you both luck.

 

 

I think what it really comes down to vampire is that there are two kinds of people.

1. People with traditional values, who believe that hanging out with an ex boyfriend/ girlfriend/ friend with benefit/ one night fling etc. should be a thing of the past

and

2. People who think that this sexual history doesnt matter and you can still just be 'friends' and that your partner is just jealous or doesnt 'understand'

 

Who is right? maybe we both are, maybe neither of us are. But one thing is for sure, we dont see eye to eye.

Anyways... being that your mindset (jealous wife included) and my mindset (jealous guy) will not see eye to eye. The next best thing is to compromise. She can talk to the ex, but not hang out with him alone. Or she can have guy friends that she can hang out with, but it should be someone whom she has a common interest with ie tennis, arts & crafts, boating etc. and not SEX.

[Rabican]

Yes, that is exactly it.

 

 

Oh, and the thing about John being a highly desirable, gold dust, Type 2 is complete nonsense. He might be yes, but he could just as easily be a Type 1 neanderthal like me. How the hell can you think you know what someone is really like when you hardly know them? It's fantasy. Any assumption that he is looking for a platonic relationship (given the history), is no more and no less likely than my fear that he is looking for an affair. Neither I, nor my wife know him well enough to know. And given that there is no friendship of any real substance to rekindle, then why bother finding out? You've had your coffee, surely your curiosty is satisfied now? Leave it now ffs.

 

Jeez I couldnt have said it any better.

[Rabican]

I would like to suggest something for you, jealousguy. I'd be interested in the results, too (though I'm sure it won't change either of our minds about your behavior).

 

 

Ask, "Does your relationship allow your SO to have casual in-person contact (e.g., go for coffees and lunches) and/or maintain platnonic friendships with their exes?" Answers are either YES or NO.

 

I think the thing you seem to be missing here is that his wife and this guy are not really FRIENDS. For F. sake they havent seen each other in 20 years. Before that their friendship, or lack there of was minimal to say the least. So what on earth could they possibly be basing this new found 'friendship' on other than curiosity of what may have been, fantasy, or just stupidity.

[tiredofvampires]

Your two types of people very closely mirror the post I made in here about the Type 1 and Type 2, guy if you read that (which the OP's wife referenced as well.) I think women also fall into these categories, but not as rigidly as men. Most women who are more traditional (and I know plenty of them personally) who have different partnerships than ones I'd be comfortable with (such as, they don't share stories of past relationships with their SO), also admit that they could be more comfortable doing so and being more open to it than their husbands/boyfriends.

 

But overall, I agree with you that people tend to fall into these categories, generally speaking.

 

The problem comes when one person starts to try to impose their view on the other. And this happens in the case of someone more intolerant. The more intolerant one will ALWAYS trump the more tolerant one, simply because the tolerant one can allow for more versions of reality to be "okay" without trying to control the other person. The OP (and jealous guy [or girl]) will "not allow" things whereas his wife (and people like me) will more likely try to allow for more understanding. Which is why, he is the one saying here "my way or the highway." She clearly isn't doing that, which is why I said there is a power imbalance. If the marriage is going to continue and work, she has to follow his demands, not vice versa. This would be unacceptable to me, which is why I have learned I have to not get with Type 1's (men), as I've defined them in this thread, or your Type 1 as well. Because they will try to impose upon me the idea of what friendship IS. Who are you to tell me that because I had sex with someone years and years ago (which I can't even remember anymore and it's not even on my mind!) cannot be a friend? Even if this guy was just a casual friend who shared some things in common with me now, based on a connection we had in the past, the point is not how much value that has for YOU as my SO, the point is how much value it holds for me. Maybe all we want to do is yap about certain obscure vinyl albums back in the day, who are you to say that this is not worth anything if I deem it is? Distance from the relationship to the present, nature of the relationship at the time and other factors like this are actually quite irrelevant to LIVING IN THE PRESENT.

 

I especially take exception to the continual emphasis you and other men here are putting on "how long ago it was." As I said in another post, what's that got to do with it? You can really have more in common with someone you sat on a park bench for one afternoon 20 years ago than someone who has been hanging around you your whole life. That is the mystery of feeling kindred to some people and not others.

 

As a man, when the sex stopped, for you I realize that was a major "shared interest" that was the glue tying in all the other parts. It was so with my ex, too. He told me, which pained me deeply enough that I will never forget how horrible I felt, when we were on a bad swing and conjecturing about IF we ever broke up, "likely we would just drift". I was aghast, I mean here was this gem of a creative, special, insightful, fun and quirky person who I could forever be grateful to know and he had told me that no one understood him like me. So if we understood so much about eachother, why would that have to all go away and drift apart? It took me a long time to realize that in his world, that SEXUAL GLUE made all the rest worth it for him. And without the glue, well, what's the point? I can't even express in words how devalued I felt knowing this, how sexualized and objectified it made me feel in ways, how empty and alone, how diminished his love of my personality now seemed...was I just a body who, oh by the way, was great to be around too? Or the other way around -- a great person he felt priviledged to know, and to boot, I was a hot lady for him. Well, if I was this great person he was privileged and honored to know, I thought he would see it as I did, as a precious commodity to retain no matter what else happened. I have seen all my bf's this way, without exception, and have only lost touch with the ones who either cared not to stay in touch with me, or who were so irksome and draining on me post-breakup mentally I had to distance myself.

 

To this day, though, my door is still theoretically open to them all. Should they prove to be men enough to come forward as mature and respectful gentlemen who wish to contribute something of human value to my life and wish the same from me, just for the sake of itself.

 

As my posts here have shown, there are at least 2 men now from 20 years ago who I find myself in this position with, much like the OP's wife. So I better get pretty clear that whoever I get with next, he knows upfront that I am forever a one-man woman, but he is not the one to decide which connections were insignificant and which are and demand conduct accordingly. That is not my idea of a trusting relationship, that's just me.

[tiredofvampires]

And really, I would like to know a couple of things. All you he-men are welcome to respond:

 

1. You all say that a sexual past makes this different. HOW? I don't want circular reasoning here, I want a REAL reason why if two people once had sex and never will again, and do not WANT to, how does this affect your relationship with your SO?

 

2. OP (and others), if your wife had never been with this man intimately, and he showed up, given your proclivities as she's described, do you honestly think she would stand half a chance at being friends with this guy anyway? Would she be able to be friends with ANY guy enough to have a coffee, any platonic friend?

 

3. You say it can't matter because it was 20 years ago. So then if they had been in touch as friends all this time and really WERE friends, this wouldn't make you even more jealous??

[tiredofvampires]

She can talk to the ex, but not hang out with him alone. Or she can have guy friends that she can hang out with, but it should be someone whom she has a common interest with ie tennis, arts & crafts, boating etc. and not SEX.

 

Sounds like a decent compromise to me, as compromises go. OP, do you go along with both these 2 sentences?

[tiredofvampires]

And to date, no one has told me why, if the OP trusts his wife (didn't you say you did, OP) and why if you guys are with a girl you know is really into you and not a cheating type, why on earth you think she needs a "keeper" as though she can't hold up her own. What's up with that? I mean that is as close to sexist as it gets, if I dare say so.

 

Do you think she is going to get raped in a coffee shop, or what?

[tiredofvampires]

As for the poll, it's interesting, OP, that you say genders should be specified. I tend to agree, though I don't know how that would be stipulated in the questions. But this would seem to indicate that you believe a woman would have a different viewpoint about this than a man. Do you think this might mitigate your stance on your wife, and empathizing with her position as one that doesn't match yours but is equally viable?

 

I am inclined to do this poll thing just for my own research, and I think that while my "rough draft" of it here is a bit complicated, I think there needs to be choices in between black and white, to show the range of tolerance and levels of comfort people have in various situations.

[WhiteForest]

I am going to have to say I feel it is inappropriate for the OP's wife to pursue this friendship as well. I read her post and I didn't see where they had such a great friendship to begin with. She didn't discuss common interests they both share and from how she describes it the time they knew each other wasn't very long and there wasn't much substance to their relationship.

 

Bringing ex's into current relationships 9 times out of 10 causes unnecessary drama. Yes it does make a difference if you've had a sexual encounter with a friend/bf even if it was some time ago. You've seen them naked, they've seen you naked, you've both experienced each other sexually. That brings something totally different to the table. I don't think the OP is being unreasonably jealous here.

 

One thing that the wife said that stood out to me is that her and the ex "hit it off". Obviously it is clear from that statement that these 2 people did not have any sort of friendship before this contact. Then, she says she is going to resent her husband because he doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. Why are you going to resent your husband when you never had an actual friendship with this other man in the first place? That's a huge red flag in my opinion, and it's one of several I've noticed in this thread. And the wife also stated that she didn't want her husband to come along to the meeting, she only offered hoping he would say no. ???

 

To the OP, when your wife offered for you to be present at this meeting I think you should have accepted. The ex could have brought his wife along as well. I understand you don't want to be friends with him, but don't you think it would have been better for the sake of your worries to be there?

 

I think you guys really need to discuss this with each other, as it has been said that there is going to be resentment in your relationship. You are married. You can't afford for there to be resentment, it will affect the relationship in other areas and it's just not healthy. I hope you 2 can find happy ground here and I wish you both the best.