My wife and her ex

[Iceman26]

The bottom line is, I'm questioning her intentions in the first place because she's going way above and beyond the call of duty to meet with him. (aka doing it against her husband's wishes, driving nearly an hour to meet him, etc). In a perfect world, this would be okay, but the reality is, she's setting herself up to have an emotional affair with this guy.

 

For this first meeting anyways, she should have offered to bring hubby along.

 

I agree! I don't see the good in this.

 

I think if she had asked her husband to come along there would have been no problems.

[tiredofvampires]

Why is it "Draconian and Extreme" when people give advice to a guy who's wife has blatantly ignored his feelings to hang out with some two pump dump from twenty years ago?

 

While I do believe there is a slight chance this would be an innocent meeting, it is a chance I wouldn't want to take/accept. Some dude emailing his wife from twenty years ago when there was no really friendship previously clearly indicates this guy probably has a crappy marriage and is looking to relive his youth.

 

On the first point: it's Draconian and extreme just because he bears so little significance to her current life and vice versa, that it is so insignificant in terms of what it "means" that they are catching up. The fact that it was so long ago without contact means that unlike a friendship that has endured, there is probably more of a curiosity factor than anything else, along the lines of high school reunions. And even as the OP said, it IS just a coffee. That's a typical casual (not intimate) setting. You say you'd have more sympathy if this was a long-time friend of hers, but a lot of people posting here feel even more threatened by those "significant" people that keep popping up or have always been there and how much they mean to the SO. It's just how you wish to look at it. Also, again, I point to my own situation (which still hasn't been answered as a parallel): if my ex from 20 years ago has re-entered my life and wants to have coffee with me and vice versa now, if he and I had SOs, why would that be any different? Why should my now-bf or his now-gf object to a coffee in OUR case, since you've agreed that he shouldn't be such a jerk as to cut off my friendship with him.

 

As for the second point: how can you possibly assume what this guy is thinking and his motivations? You are saying he "probably" has a crappy marriage and this agenda? How can you know these things in another man's mind? For starters, it's apparently not the OP's wife's agenda! She feels happily married. Why assume it's different for the guy? 20 years is too long for something that disconnected to really re-fire. It's not like they were longing for eachother for 20 years. That really is a lifetime ago (when you get into your late 30's, you'll probably see what I mean.) You say there's a small chance it would be innocent. I am willing to bet my bottom dollar if the OPs wife saw this thread, she would be aghast that anyone suggested it was anything else. Curiosity, maybe to see eachother in a mature light after all this time and perhaps he might even want to say hey, sorry I was such a lame guy back then, just to talk about the journey of their lives. I know for ME this is a great interest. I wish I could look up all my friends and exes from the past and talk to them, it is such a delight to see how others have evolved. TOTALLY INNOCENT. So if I can tell you as a woman I know such things to be totally innocent and the motivations clean, can't that mean it is for others, too? I think it's the other way around: there is a .00000000000000005 chance that this ISN'T anything but innocent, and if that should be the case, isn't that a bridge she should cross IF it happens, since it's so remote and she's obviously committed to her STABLE marriage and they are happy?

 

I think after 9 years of stability, some credit has to be given and trust is due, sight unseen. Credit has been built, so to speak.

[slightyljealousguy]

Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it.

 

Here is an update:

 

My wife was actually at her 'meeting' on Friday when I made my original post. I didn't mention that at the time, but I don't think it makes much difference.

 

Since Friday we've had a couple of long conversations about the issue. Firstly, she has corrected me on a few facts.

 

- He was her first boyfriend, she was 17

- She knew him for something like 6 months before they started going out. She says they were friends in those 6 months.

- The relationship only lasted for 6 weeks.

- About a year or 2 after the relationship ended he came to visit her at her University on a couple of occasions. Both times staying the night with all or some of what that involves.

- The last she saw him was the morning after one of those nights. Basically he cleared off and never called back. Until an email turned up 20 years later...

 

I don't know whether these facts make any difference to the overall morality of the situation. To me they don't really make any difference.

 

There has been a bot of discussion on this thread stating she should have asked me to come along to the meeting. She did actually say I could come along if I wanted to, but:

 

1. I felt it wasn't particularly sincere, and that she surely wouldn't really want me there, especially on a first meeting.

2. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to meet her ex-boyfriends. In my view they are the enemy. They are in competition with me (whether the relationship was a generation ago or not). My brain does not allow me to like her ex-boyfriends. It's just how I am, and I suspect most other men are the same. He is never going to be my friend, end of story. I don't want him and his wife at a barbeque either.

 

It seems she had a nice 2 and a half hours with him on Friday. I don't really know what was talked about, and whether the conversation became intimate. She says that ideally she would like to remain/become friends with him and see him a couple of times a year.

 

I said if you meet him again I'll be f**king pissed off, if you meet him a 3rd time I'll divorce you the minute the kids leave home (which is probably about another 15 years!) I think it's possibly an over-reaction to the situation (why can't they be friends?), but I can't be relaxed in a situation like this and don't want to be in a marriage like this. I don't want to feel that I need to be looking over my shoulder all the time.

 

I am not sure that morally she is being particularly unreasonable, and I can see that some people would think that I am being unreasonable. The problem is that I can't handle it. Knowing that other guys wouldn't be able to handle it is quite reassuring. I don't want to be a controlling husband, but ultimately someone has to compromise in these situations.

 

I've compromised once by 'letting' her meet this guy. Perhaps she can compromise by being content with it being a one off?

 

By the way, I told her I had posted on here, and she has read the replies and is possibly going to post her own reply very soon.

 

Oh yes, one other thing. She has a bit of a habit of liking to keep in touch with old boyfriends. She was in a relationship with a guy before me, for about 3 years. When she was with this guy she met up with her other previous boyfriend (of 1 year), with the current boyfriend's blessing. She also remained in fairly constant contact with a guy who wasn't a 'boyfriend', but was certainly a previous sexual partner (god I hate the bloke). I am certain that she was never unfaithful, but to me it still isn't right.

 

Anyway, she has stated to me that her boyfriend of the time "didn't mind at all", to which my response, was "How do you know he didn't mind? Perhaps he just internalised it all. He didn't fu**ing marry you did he? Perhaps that's one of the reasons why".

[tiredofvampires]

Anyway, she has stated to me that her boyfriend of the time "didn't mind at all", to which my response, was "How do you know he didn't mind? Perhaps he just internalised it all. He didn't fu**ing marry you did he? Perhaps that's one of the reasons why".

 

I am glad to hear from YOU, OP. Thought we'd lost you.

 

That is EXACTLY what my jealous ex and his friends would say. Even my friend (20 year ago ex) now says the same thing, as he is of this same mentality.

 

It is just a thing that can't be hidden and internalized without it coming out in other ways. Resentment is a huge killer and it eventually comes out. A close friend of mine (another previous ex) was the type giving me free passes right and left "with his blessing." I NEVER took that for granted or took advantage of it. He knew I loved him and wouldn't do that. And he was very, very candid about his feelings that a jealous man is a "weak man." How do I know it wasn't being internalized? Because we were happy together and talked jestingly about these social events of mine, because he was absolutely not hung up, I FELT IT WITH EVERY BONE OF MY BODY. There is NO FAKING this kind of self-confidence, the comfort and ease of speaking about things with your SO and seeing they are not negatively impacted by it. Words, body language, freeflow of conversation being uninhibited, ONE JUST KNOWS. So your wife is telling about something that really and truly exists, bro. And I've talked to this friend at length about some of these thread topics I read, and ask him why such things as this never bothered him and he says, "Because you enhance me as a man (as in, when we were together), you don't define me as one. I am confident in who I am as a man and don't rely on your interactions with others to prove it." This is from a guy who is totally monogamous.

 

 

It is clear to me, OP, that you do not understand full trust yourself, thereforeeee you cannot imagine ANOTHER person trusting fully. Another man. You likewise cannot understand someone being trustworthy even doing things that are morally "reasonable." If she is not morally being unreasonable and you have an emotional problem with this, at least can you be brutally honest with yourself that this is YOUR ISSUE? It's okay if it is, but let's not blame her for YOUR ISSUE.

 

I'm glad she's seen this thread and would post! I would love to hear her POV. If she is anything like me, she would be DEVASTATED to hear that because she has decided to maintain or try to maintain her connections, that you would throw away the whole marriage, which otherwise might be wonderful.

 

Please see my post in this forum on "Why choose trust and not jealousy." Yes, it's my personal feeling, but maybe it would give you another slant on this.

 

Just because a lot of people feel rotten about something, doesn't mean it's a good way to live your life. It's great you've gotten some validation for you feelings here. They are not senseless.

 

Is there something driving them? Why do you feel you can't let this flow and go with the flow of this without "looking over your shoulder"? Did someone cheat on you in your past when you trusted them? Has your wife done anything to make you feel like less of the man you are? I am interested to know what goes into this kind of mistrust for you --- past experiences, the way you were raised, what?

 

Right now, all your wife is guilty of is wanting to be friendly with people she once knew that are of value to her. You read my example with my friend? And how I want to remain his friend even when we get new SOs? The same men who have validated your feelings here have also said my friend (20 years ago ex) is a JERK to want to discard me when he gets a new lady. How does that all add up? It's a contradiction to me.

[Kalika]

As a rule of thumb, exes are generally exes for a reason. Most of them should probably stay in the past, unless there was a good friendship that needs to be salvaged. Seems that wasn't the case here.

 

I can't honestly say I understand your wife's curiosity about this man. Someone who could cause this much trouble in my marriage would have to be really, really worth it. I'm not seeing how this guy is worth all of this nonsense.

[slightyljealousguy]

A close friend of mine (another previous ex) was the type giving me free passes right and left "with his blessing." I NEVER took that for granted or took advantage of it. He knew I loved him and wouldn't do that. And he was very, very candid about his feelings that a jealous man is a "weak man." How do I know it wasn't being internalized? Because we were happy together and talked jestingly about these social events of mine, because he was absolutely not hung up, I FELT IT WITH EVERY BONE OF MY BODY.

It sounds like a prefect relationship. Do you mind if I ask why you split up?

[tiredofvampires]

Exes are exes because they weren't good enough a fit with us to become lifelong partners.

 

That doesn't mean we can't still relate to them, want to share life experiences, care about what happens to them, be interested in their lives, and have some interests we may not share with other friends or our SOs. I n an ideal world, I would have stayed friends with ALL my exes, just because I love PEOPLE and once I care for them, that caring never ends. They are exes because they couldn't be a good match for us romantically. But they were with us at one point because we had something to share. If it was JUST sex, then likely those are the ones that just disappear forever. A relationship no matter how short or long usually involves more sense of shared interest than that. This is the part that may still remain. And just as I would want to find a girlfriend I'd lost touch with 20 years ago (which just happened), so I'd also want to keep touch with whoever else was part of my life.

 

Unless they were a vile person that was dangerous, I don't see why this man should be causing this much trouble in a marriage.

[slightyljealousguy]

I can't honestly say I understand your wife's curiosity about this man. Someone who could cause this much trouble in my marriage would have to be really, really worth it. I'm not seeing how this guy is worth all of this nonsense.

I think part of her curiosty is wanting to know why he walked out that morning 20 years ago and never called back. To me it's pretty obvious that he got what he wanted for the night and that was enough. Loads of blokes are like that. Live with it. Apparently this matter wasn't discussed on Friday, slightly to my wife's disappointment. I think she wanted an explantion, or an apology. I don't think this was her primary motive for meeting him, but I believe it played a part.

[tiredofvampires]

Sometimes it takes many years to settle a score.

[slightyljealousguy]

tiredofvampires. I really appreciate your input in this thread, and I wish I was able to be as trusting as you evidently are, or strive to be. However, I can't help thinking (perhaps wrongly), that your ex who gave out 'passes' was maybe more relaxed about these kind of things because you weren't a "good match [for us] romantically".

 

Without full romantic involvement you are friends. You can still love a friend, but perhaps not in the same way. Perhaps jealously only really comes into play with romantic involvement. It's a horrible side effect of romance. Of course sex skews jealously terribly too.

[Iceman26]

If he was insignificant she wouldn't have met up with him.

I can't compare your situation because every situation is different. My focal point is the circumstances surrounding this situation and according to the OP, his wife ignoring his distress to meet with this guy. Being in his shoes, I wouldn't trust some dude who out of the blue 20 years later emails my wife. Sorry, but I would think that guy is looking for an affair.

 

I couldn't possibly know what this guys' motivation is and I frankly wouldn't have the time nor caring to find out. If some chick I dated 10 years ago called me wanting to have contact or "meet for coffee" I'd say "Sorry, I am married, hope all is well." I have no desire to rehash the past (been there once, no need to go there again) or put any source of stress on my wife, myself, or our marriage.

 

Additionally, if this girl was such a great friend of mine, I never would have lost contact with her in the first place.

[tiredofvampires]

slightlyjealous --

 

My ex and I were so tight -- and did not just love eachother, but were IN LOVE -- that I hoped for the 3.5 years that we were together that we'd eventually get married. And here is why it didn't work out:

 

-- he was living at his mother's house with no intention of moving out in the foreseeable future. I understood this, because he had a dream that I very much respected (he's very talented illustrator/artist, and I'm an artist too, so we shared the inside knowledge of the financial hardship that can be before you get to the top of your game.) I supported that as far as I could, but I also felt that our future deserved to be considered, and how we'd get to at some point share a place to live on our own. Rents are higher here than anywhere in the entire nation, so it was a truly REAL bind he was in, it was a very practical problem. But nonetheless, I didn't want to live until old age separately. AND he was and still is a mama's boy, he would go there sometimes just to eat her cooking and leave my place! He still lives there now (his next gf found this to be a dealbreaker and wasn't as supportive of his career as I was) and it still looks interminable. I think he's just too comfortable with that situation. He is also a person very stuck in his ways, rigid, and inflexible. Which is a personality clash that took many forms, which leads to:

 

-- Our temperaments are TOTALLY different, to the point of it being a no-go; he is a "suck it up" Asian male who takes pride in being emotionally in control, and he could not really handle my emotionally expressive nature (such as crying, or worrying out loud) without getting frustrated, upset and impatient with me. This still happens as my very good friend, and we get into spats over our different ways of coping, and it makes me glad when he leaves in a huff that I don't have to deal with that as his marital partner! But as friends it is okay to look past and forget. As my soulmate though, this is a dealbreaker -- I need to be able to talk to someone who is being more patient and sympathetic emotionally to me, just letting me vent sometimes

 

-- he adamantly didn't want children and I did

 

-- our interests, while rich and full, also had some major gaps; for example, it is a great dream of mine to travel with my life mate, see new places together, adventure a bit. This guy is a died-in-the-wool local who has no interest in doing such things. He is very happy to stay at home and not venture anywhere. So many life ambitions with travel and so forth, including if we ever found a better place to live (lower cost, better for connections, etc.) would be out of the question.

 

He is still my best, best friend here. He knows me better than anyone else, and has seen me through some very painful personal times, including physical debilitating stuff and my break up this year with the man I THOUGHT would be the last stop, and I could be off the market. My friend was there to give me even-handed advice, knowing me very well. He at times sided with my bf and sometimes sided with me, but overall could see that the relationship was hurting me a lot. He had no vested interest in getting back with me, but we hung out together, and I'd always want to be able to do that. My bf was a long distance relationship, and he just couldn't deal with the fact I had a past for 3.5 years with this guy who was "perfect", but I told him that if it was "that perfect" we would still be together. That it was over and done, and I knew in my heart that it could never be revived because of our irrconcilable differences.

 

As for the sex with this guy, it was just about the best sex I'd ever had. We were romantic, we were sexually very welll-matched. In fact, I was very scared that no one could take his place in this department (until I met my new love.) There was ample PDA, and just affectionate and doting touching as well by the bushel. So, it was WAY more than friends, or an extensive FWB situation. It was a full-on love relationship. So no, the fact that there was little jealousy on his part was not due to the absense of romance or sexual chemistry. And by the way, once we were talking about infidelity, and he said in his younger years, he was of the mind that if his (hypothetical future) wife cheated on him, he would leave, no questions asked. He said he'd come to re-evaluate that position, that if he loved his wife in the way we loved eachother, he'd try to work it out (not that cheating was on the horizon with us.) It was just a theoretical discussion.

 

During the course of this relationship, he let me hang out with a guy from out of town who I used to date (who I'd broken up long ago) at his hotel room. The guy tried to make passes at me and I told him that was out of line. I told my bf about it and he laughed and said that's pathetic -- and then he worried that the guy might try to force me next time. I reassured him that there was no danger of the sort. He knew I thought it was icky and that was enough for him. That came and went, no harm, no foul.

 

I also have an ex who is a massage therapist with his own company. He's now married. But from time to time, he's given me house calls, and this has been great because I have a muscular condition that needs professional hands at times, and he gave me breaks, as I could not afford massage a lot of times. My bf was a-okay with this, even though this guy was visiting my home and parts of my body were being bared and touched at times.

 

Again, nothing other than innocence here.

 

None of these encounters amounted to more than a "Hi, sweetheart -- so how was the massage with Dennis?" We (my bf and I) were freed up to go out to a romantic dinner after that, as any couple would!

 

I just wanted to give you a bit of an inside look at what that relationship consisted of and how that worked. He was not totally jealousy free, nor was I -- there were times when each of us expressed some insecurity over a past partner, but it never dominated our conversations for any stretch of time, nor how we felt about eachother, nor dictate what we expected the other person to 'abide by.'

 

Hope this gives you some insight...

[slightyljealousguy]

Being in his shoes, I wouldn't trust some dude who out of the blue 20 years later emails my wife. Sorry, but I would think that guy is looking for an affair.

Exactly my thoughts. She describes him as having loads of friends and being "naturally gregarious". I am sure this is true, but I am also pretty confident that he is up to no good. I think it is highly probable that he fired out dozens of emails to his ex-girlfriends and is seeing who takes the bait. He is a known 'womaniser' as I stated in my original post. A fact which my wife doesn't dispute.

[tiredofvampires]

So your wife knows his tricks. Is she not capable of defending herself and standing up to this? She is telling you outright what his personality is like and IF SHE THOUGHT THIS WOULD AMOUNT TO ANYTHING UNSAVORY, she most likely would not reveal this. She would go out of her way to make you think there was nothing wrong with him, to throw off suspicion. She is handing you transparent material so you will trust that she has clear judgment and is not one to be fooled, man. Please think about that part.

 

It remains to be seen whether the guy is looking for an affair. If he is gregarious in general, he could be looking to just get reaquinted, or be looking to stir something up. But the bottom line is if he tries anything funny, that bridge can be crossed at that time by your wife saying (as I would) hey listen, we can hang out but not if you want to go in that direction. Twice a year of being in touch would hardly give him a toehold anyway, so why are you sweating that?

 

You know, I read something a while back that confirms what I have often believed: that women are much more "social" creatures than men. There are 2 types of men, I think:

 

1. Men who think of "friends" as their male buddies, and women as romantic conquests. Exes fall into the heap of "failed romantic conquests", they don't shift into a new gear called "friendship." (this why I feel so devastated about my 20-years-ago-ex's stand that he will dump me as a friend when he gets a new gf.) Strong lines are drawn. They will not tolerate the Type 2 man being anywhere near his SO.

 

2. Men that have some male friends, but see women as valuable platonic confidentes. These can be women they had sexual relations with before or not. But they are able to make the transition in their minds from "failed romantic partner" to "friend who I can still talk to about stuff." These men tend to have more of a "feminine" side -- they love to discuss relationships, they are highly emotionally expressive compared to the type 1 guy. They take a diverse approach to relating and meaningful connections. They can honor their relationships as well as friendships by giving them latitude, and tolerate the Type 1 guy, but will not be tolerated by the Type 1 in return.

 

This latter type of guy is like gold to us women. And being that women pretty much ALL fall into the personality type of the Type 2 guy themselves, it is no stretch of the imagination whatsoever that being an "ex" and being able to share something platonic, on WHATEVER level can have its own merits, and that is entirely consistent to them. Type 2 males seem to "get" this and want some of that, too (such as the case with my "perfect" ex -- he had female friends he wanted private confidential time with as well) and can make that allowance in their minds. I think Type 1 men tend to be much more rigid and territorial.

 

Which is about how they see women much more than about how their SOs see men, including their exes. Type 1 men SEE THE WORLD AS THEY SEE IT, NOT AS THEIR WOMAN DOES (AS IN THE CASE WITH YOUR WIFE, OP.) Iceman, I see this as relating to your feelings, too. Type 1 men see all other men as being like this (unless he is gay, lying or an idiot -- words of my most recent ex, the jealous one), and women as well. This is just a projection onto other people of your own mindset. So this is how a lot of misplaced mistrust develops, an incongruity of ways of seeing.

[Papillion]

Exactly my thoughts. She describes him as having loads of friends and being "naturally gregarious". I am sure this is true, but I am also pretty confident that he is up to no good. I think it is highly probable that he fired out dozens of emails to his ex-girlfriends and is seeing who takes the bait. He is a known 'womaniser' as I stated in my original post. A fact which my wife doesn't dispute.

 

well i've read every post on this thread and i'm still 100% with the OP on this.

 

i would be climbing the frikking wall if i was him.

 

i think his wife was selfish. i think it was totally uncalled for to go on a two and a half hour meet with an ex-boyfriend.

 

if an ex looks you up after 20 years and you're single, then fair enough - go meet them. but if you're married with kids - nah. out of order in my opinion.

[Kalika]

I doubt very much that he is getting in contact with her just to renew a friendship. It seems more likely that he thinks your wife is an easy target. I wonder why he would think that?

[Papillion]

exactly.

 

and i agree with the earlier comment that he probably contacted a whole bunch of exes just to try his luck and see who responded.

 

i would be very upset if i was the OP.

[Kalika]

Ideally it would be nice if we could all contact exes and hang out with them and whatnot.. Unfortunately these situations get out of control, as it sounds like this one already has in some ways.

 

I'm really wondering why OP's wife would even WANT closure from this man. It's quite simple: He got what he wanted from her, and then he disappeared.

 

A re-review of the facts:

 

-They were barely friends

-He up and left after sex with NC

-IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO

[tiredofvampires]

Unfortunately these situations get out of control, as it sounds like this one already has in some ways.

 

This situation is not out of control in any way. His wife went to a coffee shop, had a latte with someone who hurt her in her past and had a relationship with her that mattered. You don't need to know someone for a long time to have a lasting impact on them. So they chatted for a couple of hours and she went home to talk all about it, and resume her life as a wife and mother. All she wants is to keep in casual contact from time to time.

 

There is NOTHING out of hand about this! Everyone here is jumping the gun, assuming motives, ascribing bad intentions to him. Maybe he has them, maybe not, but SO FAR there is no circumstantial or any other evidence to base suspicion. This is a mindset of fear, not reality. This is the kind of "scare mentality" that sells National Enquirer melodrama. THEY WENT OUT FOR COFFEE AND A BISCOTTI IN PUBLIC TO CATCH UP AND SEE WHAT LIFE HAD TURNED INTO FOR EACHOTHER, that's IT, no more, no less.

 

Even the OP said in his first post, "it's just a freakin coffee!" He knows in his heart this is being blown WAAAAY out of proportion and all these people here are helping him turn his little molehill into a mountain. I, for one, OP, am standing my ground that yes, it IS "just a freakin coffee"!!!

 

Just yesterday, I met up with a gal pal I was close to in high school and a little after, which was, yup, 20 years ago. And she gave me all the scoops on the boy who I madly was in love with, who I lost my virginity to. We didn't have much of a relationship, but he was part of a musical social circle that shaped my life and he is indelibly in my heart. My girlfriend was back here for their 20 year high school reunion, which he could not come to, as he is in the UK, presenting academic papers. He got a Ph.D. in music, lived the whole rocker life with names in very high places, wrote a groundbreaking book now on Amazon...I went home after my friend said to google him, and it just blew me away. Even though it was that long ago, in my (and all our) hearts and minds, we're still part of our history, distantly connected. Well, I sent him an email at his work, and he wrote back today to say what a great surprise, he'd love to call and catch up again, once he's back from the UK. My understanding is he's married for years, with a kid. He is a family man now, and I wouldn't dream of upsetting that. Turns out on his website he has presented papers right here in this city, at conferences!! I don't know why he didn't look me up for a coffee, but next time you better believe I am going to nag him until he does!! I have ZERO intentions in flirting with him or trying to make anything happen other than feel great that we can both see the ups and downs of life since those days, and I truly am interested in all his career and family developments. I would love to keep a correspondence up, too.

 

So how does that make me different from the OP's wife, or more accurately, her "friend" from 20 years ago. I have to say, everyone here who keeps saying "It was 20 YEARS AGO" must not be past their 20's. Because when you start reaching middle age, you start to have nostalgia for the people in your life that you miss, that meant something, that made an impact, and you want to know about them. Sometimes you just want to see how they have matured since those immature days, and share life's hard knox in a more real way. It HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUAL PREDATORIAL ACTIVITY FOR 99% OF PEOPLE WHO DO THIS.

 

If, in the case of the OP's wife, what she wanted as PART of this was closure, why should that be so bad? She has clearly moved on -- she's had a couple of other significant relationships, fallen in love again, gotten married, stated a family. But sometimes hearing an "I'm sorry" even if it is 20 years late, feels REALLY good. I have had this happen to me and there is no underestimating a long overdue apology.

 

SO WHAT?

 

I have now given 2 examples in this thread of my own experiences to show that someone can innocently want to contact an ex from 20 years ago to get re-acqainted and hope to stay in touch, and it means NOTHING bad. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone else, too.

[Kalika]

Maybe your ex's wife didn't want him meeting with you...?

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think she even knows I exist.

 

It's possible that she has a ban out on any meetings with women from his past, period. I know that my girl friend visiting here lost contact with him for a while because his wife's jealousy (even though there was no romantic involvement at all and they knew eachother since middle school years). In any case, this is what I call irrational. If this is the case, you can see how it is irrational and too bad, because my having coffee with him while he's visiting for a conference is not a threat to a marriage. I'm not sure just because someone has irrational fear that it's a good thing for them to hang onto that and for it to dictate relationships. If it works for both, okay, but I think it's a loss that doesn't have to be, and I am into having more, not less, friendship in my life.

[Kalika]

I don't know why he didn't look me up for a coffee, but next time you better believe I am going to nag him until he does!!

 

Perhaps the reason was that he didn't want to disrupt his family life, as you stated above that his wife was jealous. He is being protective of his family. That's not a bad thing. I think OP's wife is being naive and not really prioritizing her family in first place.

 

Either way, if you know it could cause him trouble, why would you want to nag him to meet you? There's probably a reason he didn't look you up.

[tiredofvampires]

Perhaps the reason was that he didn't want to disrupt his family life, as you stated above that his wife was jealous. He is being protective of his family. That's not a bad thing. I think OP's wife is being naive and not really prioritizing her family in first place.

 

Either way, if you know it could cause him trouble, why would you want to nag him to meet you? There's probably a reason he didn't look you up.

 

Well, first of all, for me to be a threat he'd have to protect his family against (this doesn't sound overblown to you, given all I've said?), you'd have to assume a lot: that I would be seeking to be a homewrecker who would be okay with his cheating, and/or that he wants to cheat. Since it certainly isn't true on my end, and my intentions are innocent, and I am going to assume his are the same, there is nothing to "protect" against.

 

I would not be able to make him do anything he didn't want to, and would of course respect it if he couldn't see me because of the limitations of his marriage, but I would think it a terrible shame and be bummed out. Because it's a baseless concern. (Funny, you said my guy friend here (other long ago ex) is treating me badly as a friend, by telling me he would stop hanging around me to "protect" his new gf from me, so how is that different? Why aren't you siding with him for being "protective of his relationship", but this other ex of mine you think I should leave alone?) Not the kind of marriage I'd feel comfortable in, too possessive, but it's not for me to dictate. I actually feel that marriages that have such rules do foster more illicit activity, because people can't eradicate their curiosities and thoughts, and eventually if those are "held in check" very restrictively and something becomes taboo and extreme, it will become more alluring. An intolerant system eventually collapses. So many marriages based on these kinds of stringent rules are the ones where people are fantasizing and eventually going behind people's backs in fear and non-disclosure. I don't think any of it makes for a happier family and marriage, it makes for a more fearful, suspicious and rigid one is all.

 

I will find out the reason he didn't look me up when we e-mail, I am sure. (Clearly, emailing is still okay.)

 

So to the OP -- you say you are happily married. How happily? Do you have a rich life of emotional sharing, shared interests and dreams, a loving and affectionate everyday life with give-and-take and a good sex life, if I may ask? Because to me, THAT is what holds it together, and makes a simple, casual coffee insignificant by any comparison. If you don't have all that, it is internally weak and not all it should be, coffee or no coffee. "Coffees don't ruin marriages, people ruin marriages." Do you have this firm foundation?

[Kalika]

His wife doesn't know whether you're a threat or not. And the difference between these two situations is the fact that your "friend" has kept a friendship with you all this time, only to turn around and tell you he'll be dumping you shortly ... Whereas this other guy never remained your friend in the first place, and probably didn't contact you because he knew to leave well enough alone.

 

I think I've said enough... My opinion is on the record and at this point, I'm not adding anything I haven't already said.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, just to clarify my situations, so there is no confusion. And to keep the parallels going to the OP, as both my relationships I've mentioned here bear similarities.

 

Strangely enough, both these guys (both exes) are 20-year old ex-flames. Both were "likeable rogues" (as the OP well describes his wife's ex) who I didn't spend THAT much time with as a gf, but both were very influential in an "era" of my life. My best memories are from that time in my life. In fact, they were in the same band! I briefly was with let's call him T, he was the one that broke my virginity and two weeks later left to make it big (kind of hit and run, like the OPs ex, it broke my heart), and is now married with the family. Some time after he left, I started seeing J, his bandmate and this lasted for many months, maybe a year or so. Then when that ended, we lost contact. Both of them I have not been in contact with for all these years. The only breaks in this loss of contact was my helping J out on the roadside 8 years ago when he and his girlfriend were stranded, I called for help (a total coincidence, but this is a small island). So I knew he was still here but there was still no contact, because he never wanted to create doubt for his gf (which is what he told me recently as we've become friends in contact again, after his life went down the toilet.)

 

As for T, he initiated finding me on the net about 4 years ago, and started to e-mail me, and seemed to be enjoying our correpondence. He was already married and a family man with a thriving career far away. We might have continued contact had I not dropped the ball after a short time because I was so preoccupied with things in my life. So we lost touch again.

 

J contacted me because he needed moral support and we became friends, but no, he was not my friend "all this time." It is only since last December, 6 months ago that we've been talking again. He feels that for however long this lasts it will be great and then if he finds a gf, I need to be past history again even though he "loves me as a friend always."

 

He would be doing what this OPs wants his wife to do. Either you think that's respectful or you think that's shoddy treatment between friends, I'm not clear. But one thing is clear, he is a relatively new development in my life after 20 years of virtually complete NC.

 

And with T, it was the same except 4 years ago he tried to write and that kind of went to the wayside due to my flaky writing habits and stressful life, and since then we simple have been out of contact until I just now wrote him a few days ago to say our mutual friend from high school is here and I was inspired to write again. At which time I found his new professional website and noticed that he's come to conferences here the last three years in a row. So I don't know what is up with that, or why he didn't look me up. It could be a number of reasons, including but not limited to the possibility that his wife would be upset.

 

I am probably going to find out soon, as he is going to contact me he said, when he's done with his travels and returns home, he is out of the country (though we are thousands of miles, water and a whole continent apart.)

 

So I know this is veering a little off topic, I just had the need to clarify that in both these cases, these guys have only VERY recently emerged out of the woodwork, after 20 years, which is in the same timeline as the OP/wife issue. And in both cases, though one is married with at least one kid far away, and the other is a single man living with his mom wanting to get his life back together here, it doesn't matter. I want to be a loyal and close friend, as a platonic friend, and not be told that in doing so, I am "disrespecting" the marriage or that I'm a person who is a threat to their love lives and the women they are or get with. (Conversely, if the roles were reversed with my bf, I'd be upset if my bf found this unacceptable and was this jealous over nothing immoral.) I just respect other people's relationships too much for that. Maybe the OPs ex flame is different and wants to wreck a marriage, but he won't get very far if the wife feels the way I do when I'm with someone. He would not stand a chance.

 

But he deserves the benefit of the doubt, as she does, to allow them their renewed friendship until and unless it shows itself to be anything more sinister than that, and I am formally registering my opinion here on THAT account. This is all I ask with both T and J, and I think it's nothing but a boon to their/our lives to have eachother "back" as people who are in contact who care, after all these years. It's great to know people are still there for you and care, and are part of your life in some way. Love takes so many different forms and they all have a place in life.