pregnant and dont know what to do

[eskimomo]

hey. i'm about 7 weeks pregnant as a result of a casual fling with a man I know from university. we're still in touch, but not in a relationship, and he is adamantly against the idea of having a baby.

 

i am 25 and have a very good university degree and pretty good career prospects, but have spent the past few years mostly drifting. i have very little money and the place i'm living in (a houseshare with friends) isn't suitable for raising a child. however, people tell me i'd probably manage if i had to, and i could probably carry on working freelance most of the time and get state benefits during the period i couldn't work. and my mother has been very supportive and would help with childcare etc. i'd be 26 when the baby is born. that doesnt sound so young, but at the same time it isnt what i envisioned for my late 20s.

 

i feel very connected to the Thing (i dont want to call it a baby because it isnt really yet, but i do think of it as a baby) and i feel protective towards it. i want it to have a chance at life and i don't like the idea of having an abortion at all, but at the same time i'm not sure i'm ready to have a child. and it would be unspeakably hard work: not much money, little or no input from the father, living in a one-bedroom flat, feeling isolated from my friends, all of whom have no family commitments and busy social lives. the Thing's father says that it's more selfish to have the baby than not to have it. is he right? has anyone else been in this situation or known anyone who has? what did they decide? or maybe you have a child in different circumstances, and can't imagine doing it alone...?

 

obviously this is my decision, but i'd be really interested to hear about other people's experiences.

 

thanks very much....

[BeautifulSweetheart]

One of my friends.. Well I mean this was just insane, he didn't have much of a choice, the girl told him she was pregnant when she was eight months.. His parents don't even know he has a kid, hes twenty, the girl is 24. She decided to be a single mom (but with the support of my friend, he sees the be baby but he barely makes anything on his salary that he just put it into having a better and safer car for the baby) and she did not have much but she was able to manage but she is not able to work, but the baby is like her life now. She was college and had to give that up because the baby took up more time than she expected it to and the people who said they would help had their own lives and couldn't help so much. So she lives with her mother in a two bedroom and is barely making it..

 

In my opinion.. you shouldn't bring a child into this world if yer not financially stable because it costs nearly $10,000 alone a year on diapers. Thats statistics.. Yooh should finish yer twenties, finish school have yer career together and then worry about settling down and having a family when yooh have everything together.. because I see when people have children they want them to be raised in the best environment.. and struggling with school work and a child is not as easy as it seems..

[littlestar]

big hugs for you.

This must be a very hard decision from you.

You need to do what is right from you.

You dont have a lot of options. You can abort. I've had 2 abortions and they're not really as bad as people make them out to be. 5 years on i have no regrets. You can always have the baby and adopt it.

Would your mother be interested in raising it??

 

The father is acting a bit childish considering this isnt just your problem, it is his as well, after all you didnt get pregnant on your own.

 

Were you using protection?

[Beyondthesea]

If you want to keep the child, do.

 

Financially he is obligated to pay up for child support if the baby is his, it's as simple as that. Any lawyer will do that for you. As soon as the baby is born, demand a paternity test be done, and then they will make him pay child support.

[shikashika]

This must be a hard decision for you.

 

You asked what we wold do in a situation if we were in this ourselves?

 

Personally I would not keep the 'thing'.

 

It doesn't sound like you are going to be able to keep take care of the baby properly.. and will have to rely on the financial or emotional support of others.. I don't think this is fair to the 'thing' your friends and family or the man you had the affair with.

 

its your body, your life, and I think you should be able to do whatever you want with it.. but I think you have to think of all the people you will be affecting by doing this now.

 

Good luck with your decision!

[annie24]

hi - this sounds like a tough decision. yes, if you do decide to keep the baby, get the DNA test and have him pay child support. Apart from that, it is a very personal decision, not one that we can make for you. If it were me, I would abort, but that just because of where I am in my life right now. in a few years, i might not.

 

How would you feel 6 months or 6 years from now if you aborted? would you feel guilty? or relieved? can you get yourself into a more stable job so that you can make more money? do you have family nearby that can help you babysit? even with 2 loving parents, raising a child is hard work.

 

anyways, good luck with whatever decision you choose. don't make him feel like this is all your fault - because like the previous posters said, you didn't get pregnant all on your own!

[Honey Pumpkin]

There are options, and it must be so hard for you to decide what to do. I don't think there is a right or a wrong, but what works for you.

 

Have you thought about adoption? Very unpopular these days, but there are thousands of couples desperate to adopt new-born babies, and that might be a way forward for you - but I know it's an impossibly hard choice.

 

I can understand how you feel, I do - I'm in my thirties, and I don't know if I could cope on my own with a baby, financially, emotionally, physically etc. But as you say, you would cope if you HAD to.

 

Whatever choice you make, talk to people, talk to impartial people, say whatever is on your mind and think through ALL choices. At the end of the day it's your decision, and up to you. But...make it early (your decision). Don't hang on until you can't decide tohave a termination; face it clearly and think through EVERYTHING. There is a lot of good advice available about this, and take it all on board.

 

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong answer, it's entirely down to you. Incredibly difficult, but sometimes if you sit still for long enough, you find the answer within you. Take care, and good luck with whatever you decide.

[annie24]

that's true - adoption is definitely an option. many many couples would like a newborn baby. and plus, i think you would have some input as to the family that gets your baby?

[lovelyc]

I agree that you should give the baby a chance to live. I understand that you can not see a baby in your life right now but you do have the support of your mother and of people who love you...it may sound scary at first but you are going to love the idea of being a mother once he/she is brought into this world...Of course you can see that I am against the idea of abortion so my opinion is a bit biased. You do not have to be the most financial stable person to be able to raise a child in a respectable and decent environment even thought that is ideal. There are many reasons I could give but I don't want to seem too biased...you may feel alone now and that you are going into this alone but things will all pan out so I do wish you the best...he is obligated to pay child support so that should not be a problem within the financial aspect. Do consider adoption though...Good luck

[shyshutterbug]

I'm so sorry you have to be faced with such a tough choice. This is never an easy decision for a woman to make; it takes a lot of guts to make the best choice for you, whatever that may be.

 

Picture yourself, say, five years in the future. Let's say you decided to terminate this pregnancy. What would you be doing? What would have changed as a result of your decision? Who would be in your life? Who wouldn't? How would you be doing financially? Emotionally? How would making this specific choice impact how you feel about yourself?

 

Now, picture the same scene five years out, but say you carried to term and kept the baby. Ask yourself the same questions. What impacts you the most about that scenario in comparison to the other?

 

Lastly, go five years out again, but say you carried to term and gave the baby up for adoption. Again, same questions.

 

This is an exercise I use a great deal with my patients who are considering their options. Another thing you might consider is to call a local family planning center (i.e. Planned Parenthood) and ask them about options counseling - you would go in and meet with a counselor who would discuss with you all available options in detail. It's inexpensive - the clinic I work at charges $20 - and it can be invaluable.

 

Give careful thought to everything that is open to you before you make a decision. I sincerely wish you good luck.

[Scout]

In my opinion.. you shouldn't bring a child into this world if yer not financially stable because it costs nearly $10,000 alone a year on diapers. Thats statistics.. Yooh should finish yer twenties, finish school have yer career together and then worry about settling down and having a family when yooh have everything together..

 

I have to say that in this day and age, hardly anyone "has it together" anymore, financially. And if we waited until everything was settled in our lives before we ever took anything major on, well...we'd never take anything major on.

 

(And just as an FYI...it doesn't cost anywhere near $10K a year for diapers. They're not cheap, but certainly don't come with that price tag. Plus, there are numerous programs out there that give assistance to struggling/young families, including baby clothes, diapers, food, etc.)